08x09 - Mr. Likeable

[bunniefuu]

Well, that about
wraps up Tool Time.

So, Tim, what have
we learned today?

Well, we learned that blown
foam insulation is a great way

to reduce energy
costs at your house.

And?

Well, and that blown foam
insulation is a great sound-dampener.

(CHUCKLES)

And when the manufacturer
says psi max,

they mean psi

max!

Hey, Al. Hey.

Cable show ratings just came in.

I think you might
want to take a look.

Ah, congratulations, Heidi!

You won again with
males aged to .

Keep reading.

Ah, well, my ratings are up
again in the "likeability" column.

You're off the charts!

Yeah. Oh, my God! I b*at Tim!

Yes! Congratulations.

Listen, you really ought to take
advantage of this new popularity.

What do you mean?

Well, when's the last time
you appeared in public?

Well, Tuesday I went to the
mall for peanut brittle and a belt.

I mean, you should be doing
promotions and endorsements.

Al, you could be the
next Ed McMahon.

Ed McMahon?

Uh-huh.

(IMITATING ED McMAHON)

I'll be goshed... Hey,
guys. Who's got the ratings?

Hide them. Here comes Tim. Okay.

There we go. Where's
the ratings sheet?

Huh? What? I don't know.

Huh? What? Huh? This.

Oh!

Hey, once again, Heidi,
in the stratosphere.

Yeah.

What is it with you and men?

What the...

Hey, the show's
doing pretty well.

(GRUNTING) Oh, no.

I didn't b*at you by much!

Okay, I'll clear out my locker.

Hey, don't be ridiculous.

Whatever gave you guys the idea

this was some type of
competition? Come on!

Well, maybe because every
month when these come out,

Tim runs around going,
"I won! I won! I won!"

All right. All right. Okay.
Maybe Heidi's right.

This isn't a competition.

These numbers are
good for the show.

Good for you, Al.
We're a family here.

Yeah. Well, thank you, Tim.

You know, I never thought
this would happen to me.

I've always lived in
someone else's shadow.

Well, growing up with your mom,

I'm surprised you
knew there was a sun.

All right!

I'm gonna go tell
Trudy the good news.

Yeah. Congratulations again, Al.

Thank you!

I think he took it pretty well.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

Hey, Brad?

What's up, Mark?

If a girl named Erica calls,
tell her I'm not here, all right?

What? Is she, like, the
ugliest girl in junior high?

Actually, she's the prettiest.

I wish she'd just
leave me alone.

Wait, wait. There's no
way you and I are related.

I'd love to go out with Erica.

Just all she does is complain
about her jerk boyfriend.

Mark, Mark, wake up.

She's using you as
her shoulder to cry on.

You know what that means, right?

Yeah. She thinks I'm a girl.

No. No. She thinks you're
a caring, sensitive listener.

And when she finally breaks
up with that jerk boyfriend of hers,

you're in the pole position.

All I have to do is just sit
on the phone and listen?

You don't even have
to listen. Just pretend.

Every so often say lines like
"I sympathize with your needs."

And when you want to whip out the
big g*ns, try "I hurt when you hurt."

This is so devious.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi. Did you get my tulip bulbs?

Oh! I forgot to go by the
garden center. I'm sorry.

Let me ask you a question. What?

Am I a likable guy?

Are you gonna get my bulbs?

What would you say if I told you
that Al was more likable than me?

Duh?

Our ratings came out today
and for the first time in years,

Al was rated more
likable than me.

So this is bothering you, right?

Well, duh.

You don't think Binford would
think about switching hosts, do you?

Honey, that's never
gonna happen.

Look, Al hosted the show
once and it was a disaster.

He needs you to
make it all work.

Huh?

Well, see, look, you took
a shy, insecure, stiff guy

and you turned him into a
likable, confident, stiff guy.

You gave him his persona.
You invented the signature salute.

You sort of created Al.

I did. I created Al.

Almost like Al is my
Frankenstein monster.

You know, without the
attractive neck bolts.

He's alive!

Now, see? That's
what you should do.

Just enjoy the
fruits of your labor.

Yeah. You know, and maybe
accept my fate in a way.

You know, because even the
brightest stars can't shine forever.

I mean, there's a point when the
champions like me and Michael Jordan

just have to pass our
balls on to somebody else.

Hey, Fred.

Hey, Mr. Taylor.

Do you have tulips?

Well, it'd be hard
to whistle if I didn't.

You get it? Yeah.

It's a gag. Yeah.

Hey, I've got your special
bulb order in the back.

While I'm digging them up, why
don't you say hi to your buddy Al?

He's in Fertilizer.

Al?

"Hope you enjoy your bag of

"fert-Al-izer."

Hey, Al.

Tim! Hey, ladies and gentlemen!

Tim Taylor! All right!

Tim, what are you doing here?

I was just about to
ask you the same thing.

Yeah? Well, I decided to
branch out into endorsements.

You're endorsing fertilizer.

Yeah. I guess it's kind of like
working from the ground up.

Can I talk to you
privately for a minute?

Sure.

Mr. Likeability will be
back in a few minutes

to sign your bags. Okay, guys?

Meanwhile, why don't you pull your
cars around so I can load them easier?

Come out here.

What are you doing?

I'm capitalizing on my
newfound popularity.

Is this why you've been leaving
work early for the last couple of days?

Well, actually, on Tuesday
I opened a lamp store.

And on Wednesday I was
keynote speaker at Spacklefest ' !

If you want to capitalize
on your newfound popularity,

you might want to aim your sights
a little higher than spackle and dung.

Well, I don't want to
impose on our friendship.

But if you could give me some career
advice, you know, coach me a little,

maybe I could get some
better endorsements.

Well, I hate to see
you signing this crap.

Hi. Hi. What are you doing?

Mapping out Al's destiny.

And yet you couldn't
put the dishes in the sink.

Listen to this. I got him the
cover of Handyman Monthly.

On Saturday, he's doing a radio
commercial for Welder's Warehouse,

and Sunday, a pre-sh**t for a
commercial for Faucets-N-Stuff.

You know, I'm really
impressed with the way

you've been able to put
your ego aside and help Al.

Honey, he was knee-deep
swimming in cow pies.

And you dove in and saved him.

I like this stuff.

Now, Al's strengths
are his sincerity

and his groundbreaking dullness.

I can manipulate that kind of
talent a ways from Sunday.

And yet...

Come on, come on, come on. If you
want to go to the mall, I'm leaving now.

Hey, listen, Erica, I got to go.

But I just want to let you
know that I'm here for you

and that I sympathize
with your needs.

Oh, really? Hey, great.
All right. See you then. Bye.

Guess what? Erica's coming
over to cry on my shoulder.

What's the matter with Erica?

Oh, her boyfriend
broke up with her.

And I'm helping her
through her anguish.

What do you know about anguish?

I live with you and Dad.

Finally back.

Hi. So, what are you
and Al gonna do today?

Oh. First we have a
strategy meeting here.

Then this afternoon
we're off to Zug Island.

The Port Authority is gonna
have him christen his own ship.

How did you come up with that?

It's amazing. He's got a big appeal
among dock workers ages to .

I wonder who they latch
onto when they turn ?

Andy Rooney.

Knock-knock! Hi!

Hi, Al.

Honey, I'll see
you guys later. Bye.

Bye. See you later.

Okay, Al. I have your
sailor suit all pressed.

Are you excited, or what?

Well, there's something else
I'm even more excited about.

Come on.

I've added a new
member to our team.

I've hired a manager. A what?

Now, now, come on!
You're a great coach.

Now I've brought someone
in to run the ball club. All right!

Well, Al, we don't need a manager.
I lined up a great gig for you today.

You're christening a ship.

It's a trash barge.

It's a slag barge.

It's a Cadillac of
waste products.

Well, let's see what my manager
has to say about that, you know?

He's coming over. I invited
him to our strategy session.

He's coming here? Yeah.

Yeah, his name is Roy Becker.

You're gonna love him.
He's smart. He's savvy.

He's got a great sense of humor.

What are Roy
Becker's credentials?

Well, he's president of
Roy Becker and Associates.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute. I know that name.

Didn't he use to manage that
other cable guy, Fishin' with Freddie?

Might have. He
handles a lot of big stars.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

There he is. Coming! Coming!

Hey, superstar! What's
happening, baby?

Hey! There he is. Tim Taylor.

How are you, my man?

Hey. Roy Becker.
Nice to meet you.

Hey, Roy. Hey, nice
pad you got here.

You know, I used
to live around here

then I, uh, made
something of myself.

I'm just kidding.

He's got a great sense of humor.

I can't wait to see it.

Hey, you want some coffee?

Coffee? No. No coffee
for me. It makes me hyper.

I'm here for one thing and
I'm here for one thing only.

And that's to
take Al to the top.

This is the greatest
day of my life!

I got my manager.
I got my coach.

Yeah! Look out, world!

Here comes Team Borland!

Can't wait for that
team physical, huh?

Okay, fellas. Now,
let's talk game plan.

As I understand it,

Taylor's got you peddling
faucets and metal garbage.

Which is fine.
Don't get me wrong.

But now it's time to move
up to the major leagues.

Major leagues?

National commercials.
I'm talking an M.O.W.

M.O.W.? A mow?
What will I be mowing?

M.O.W. is a Movie of the Week.

I'm gonna be in the movies?

Al, you're a big hit
with women, baby.

I can get you on
the Lifetime Channel

playing opposite
Morgan Fairchild.

Morgan Fairchild? I love her!

Wait, wait. Reality check.
Come on! ROY: What?

This is a pitch man.
He's not an actor.

Actor-shmactor!

He'll act happy when he
sees the money rolling in, huh?

Oh, boy!

What are you leading
him on for here, Roy?

I'm not leading him
on. Hey, look, Taylor.

If he doesn't make
money, I don't make money.

And if I don't make money, I'm
back living in this neighborhood.

I did it again!

Why are you being
such a doubting Thomas?

You know, the big
time is beckoning!

So are slag workers who
want to see you in a sailor suit.

Yeah? Well, they're out of luck.

Let me tell you right now, Al, I
don't want this going to your head,

but garbage is beneath
you. You think so?

I know so! Blow them off!

I tell you what. You
come have lunch with me.

I got a big commercial director
I want to introduce you to.

Come on. Come on. I'm telling
you, you can make some money here.

Wait, wait, wait. We made
a promise to Local .

And the Local doesn't like it
when you break their promises.

You know what? You want to dress
up like Popeye for the rest of your life?

Or do you want to make some
money? Come on. Let's go.

I don't know what to
do. I'm so conflicted!

Look, I'll make it easy for you.

You go with Roy
or you go with me.

And I think you know what
the responsible thing to do is.

Obviously, you're gonna
have to fill in for me.

And thank you! You
were a great coach.

Thanks, Taylor. You're a
good man. Beautiful house.

And then he said, "Well, why
didn't you tell me that before?"

And I said, "Well, I
thought that it was obvious."

And he said, "Well, it
wasn't obvious to me."

Isn't it obvious to you?

Huh?

I asked if it was
obvious to you.

It doesn't matter what I think.

Just keep sharing your
feelings and I'll keep listening.

Well, I'd really like to
know what you think.

Well, I hurt when you hurt.

What are you talking about?

I'm not hurting.

Well, then I'm not either.

Mark, I want you to tell me
one thing that I just talked about.

You used the word "Obvious."

That's what I thought.

You know, you're even
worse than my boyfriend.

At least he's honest
about not listening to me.

I sympathize with your needs!

Well, Brad, thanks to
you, Erica hates me.

What? Your stupid
advice backfired.

I should never have pretended
to care about her feelings.

So, you taught him that?

Look, I'm sorry, Mom.

I know you're disappointed.
But if it makes you feel any better,

I hurt when you hurt.

That's it. I'm canceling
your subscription to Sassy.

(JILL LAUGHING)

So, Captain, where's Tennille?

Like I haven't heard that
from , longshoremen?

Well, I thought Al was
supposed to do the entertaining.

He was until he backed out

on the advice of his new
manager, Roy Becker.

Roy Becker. I know that name.

Didn't he use to live in this
neighborhood before he made it big?

All the work I did for Al,

he just forgets about
me and picks another guy.

That is terrible. It
doesn't sound like Al.

(PHONE RINGING)

Ahoy. Promenade deck.

Oh, hi, Al. You need a day off?

Well, why... Get out of town!

All right. Well, tell...

Okay. All right. Thanks. Bye.

What was that about?

They're sh**ting a Movie
of the Week here in town.

He's got a bit part
with Morgan Fairchild.

Ah!

I love her!

You can start as early
as you want, Wilson.

But I'm still gonna kick butt in
that Christmas lighting contest.

No. This is not
for Christmas, Tim.

Are you familiar
with who inspired

the Indian festival
of Deepawali?

I'm still wondering who put the
bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop.

Well, probably the same
person who put the ram

in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong.

You want to know who put
Al in a Movie of the Week

with Morgan Fairchild?

Morgan Fairchild? I love her!

Well, good going, Tim.
You are quite a coach.

Al hired a professional manager.

Well, good for Al.

He fired me.

Bad for you.

Don't feel bad for
me, I feel bad for Al.

The overnight sensation
who's appearing in a movie

with Morgan Fairchild?

I'm not jealous or anything. I
just think he's moving too fast.

It's like Frankenstein
loose on the world

without his doctor by
his side, you know?

What was the doctor's name?

Frankenstein.

They were related?

You know, Tim, I can
understand your concern for Al.

But I'm also reminded of the
Persian writer Nasir-i Khusraw.

He said, "Though God creates
the mother, the breast and the milk,

"the children must draw for
themselves their mother's milk."

Wilson, you just gave
me horrible images.

No, no, no, no. I'm just saying,
just as the child learns self-reliance

by separating from his mother,

so the assistant learns by
separating from the Tool Man.

Maybe what Al needs is protection
and support so he's not left hanging.

So I'll just buy him
a sturdy jockstrap.

Hello, horrible image number .

Scene Baker. Take .

DIRECTOR: And action!

You're leaving me for my sister?

Which one?

The one carrying my baby.

Get out! Get out
and never come back!

(MORGAN FAIRCHILD CRYING)

Great news. I've snaked the
toilet and you're good to go.

Thank you, Gerard.

Now, what have you
got for a broken heart?

Hey, Maggie! What's the
matter? You can tell Gerard.

Oh, I'm sorry. I...

Cut!

The woman is
emotionally devastated

and you come bouncing in and salute
her like Gomer Pyle on a sugar high?

(IMITATING GOMER
PYLE) Well, golly!

What are you doing here?

Just here to support
Borland. How's he doing?

I had more fun at my
last prostate examination.

Uh, why don't you let me
work with him for just a second?

Thanks. Thanks.

Al, you know, I am really
enjoying playing opposite you.

Oh, wow! Thank
you, Morgan Fairchild!

No. Please just call me Morgan.

You know, Al, you have this
reality that I just find so exciting.

And if you could
tap into that reality,

I could respond
very passionately.

Do you understand?

All right, everybody,
let's go again.

We'll take it from
Gerard's entrance.

Action!

Great news. I've snaked the
toilet and you're good to go.

Thank you, Gerard.

Now, what have you
got for a broken heart?

Oh, Morgan... Cut!

Get me a new Gerard.

Borland, you're fired.

Hey, get me
Freddie, the fish guy.

Wait a minute.

You're replacing Al with
a guy that bobs for bass?

Let me see if I can
get him on the phone.

You can't do this.
He put his trust in you.

You know, Taylor, it's
times like this I hate myself.

But then I buy myself a
new suit and I feel terrific.

By the way, who
represents you? Well, I...

Hey, Frederico! Hey! How's
the fish biting? Hey, baby, yeah!

Hey, Al. Hey.

Oh. When did you get here?

I got here in time to
see your last two takes.

They're good. It's good stuff.

Time to see me get fired.

Well, that's okay. I mean,
the last take was good.

The way you committed to
the salute, kind of half-salute.

It was kind of funny stuff. I
mean, you were going with it.

No, maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm just not an actor.

Maybe not now. You
take a few classes.

The next thing you know, you'll
be back in Morgan Fairchild's arms.

I just... I guess I tried
to fly too high too fast.

Gravity is a cruel mistress.

Your mom probably
taught you that.

I should've been happy with the career
path we were working on, you know?

There's no shame in
making longshoremen happy.

At least not in this state.

You know, it doesn't matter
that I work with Morgan Fairchild.

You know, the
important thing is that

I have a good friend
like you. You know?

Because when push comes to
shove, you know, you're there.

Well... Al.

Yes, Morgan Fairchild?

I am so sorry about this. Um...

May I have your autograph?

You... You want my autograph?

Well, actually, it's not
for me. It's for my dad.

He's a huge fan of Tool Time.

Well, he probably wants mine,
too. Hi. I'm Tim the Tool Man.

Hi. No, he didn't mention you.

Thanks.

I, on the other hand, am a
huge fan of yours, honey.

Morgan Fairchild. I love her!

Hey, Cleotis!

Hey, Mr. Taylor!

I've branched out
into endorsements.

You're endorsing dung.
That's dung. That's not dung.

You know, Tim, I can
understand your concerns about Al.

But I'm also reminded of the
Persian writer, Kooty-koogy-googy.

Koogy-googy-oogy.
What is his name?