33x19 - Girls Just Shauna Have Fun

[bunniefuu]

(BAND PLAYING "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB")

♪ Mary's rolling in her grave ♪

♪ I'd like to join her now. ♪

(DOOR OPENS)

I come bearing an important communiqué.

It's from the marching band
director at Springfield High.

Oh, did he get his swollen
head stuck in a French horn?

Uh, there's no mention of that.

But it seems one of the band's
most important musicians

injured his middle toe doing
a high step in double-time.

- (ALL GASP)
- That's footwork su1c1de!

They need a replacement sax player,

and they've requested... Lisa Simpson.

Me, in the high school band?

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

One yes would suffice.
Pack your sax, Lisa,

you're moving up to high school.

Three days a week after school,

otherwise you're still in second grade.

I finally get to play with people

who respect music theory and tradition.

Teenagers!

Class, we have a new
baritone sax player.

Direct from Springfield Elementary.

(COUGHING): Largo's losers.

Hi. Hello.

Now, if you'll turn to page

in your marching band songbook.

The theme to Hawaii Five-O?! Wow!

Yeah, Mr. Orlando is cool.

We do -year-old songs
instead of -year-old songs.

(BAND PLAYING HAWAII FIVE-O THEME SONG)

Shauna Chalmers,
thank you for joining us.

I'm gonna call you James Corden,

because you're a late, late show.

(LAUGHTER)

He totally relates to us on our level.

Mm.

- Burnout.
- Waste case.

Third-chair slacker.

Shut up, woodwinds.

Okay, from the top.

(BAND PLAYING HAWAII FIVE-O THEME SONG)

Okay, cut.

Apparently Supertramp
isn't giving us the rights

to "Goodbye Stranger."

(STUDENTS PROTESTING)

No...

Shauna! I didn't know you played drums.

And I didn't know some tiny
band dork was gonna talk to me.

It's me, Lisa Simpson?

You babysat for us.

Last Saturday night.

TikTok is dumb.

Well, anyway,
your drumming's really good.

Wow.

Dear diary, today I got a compliment

from a rando about something
I don't care about.

(GASPS) I have a diary, too!

(EXHALES) Oh.

(MOANS SOFTLY)

People were playing eighth
notes like it was nothing.

Band kids are the coolest
kids in high school.

No fair. Lisa gets to go to high school?

I was supposed to be
King of the Burnouts

before she even got there.

Well, son, I guess
Lisa's just unusually bright.

She gets it from me. (SHOUTS)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

I left all my sheet music at school.

I have to go get it.

Ah...

Hmm?

(DRUMS PLAYING)

- Shauna!
- I'm Shauna!

Did you stay late to practice?

No way. As if.

You're practicing. Being stupid.

You don't need to. You're great at it.

I'm jealous.

Shauna, we share a passion for music.

(GASPS) Do you want to jam?

Yeah, jam this stick in my eye

if this conversation
goes on another second.

Gah.

Fine! But I'm not afraid
to admit that music

means something to me, unlike you.

(IMITATING SHAUNA): You're Shauna.

Hey!

I'm sorry if I was mean back there...

little weirdo.

I really don't know how to take that.

Well, maybe we can talk about
it tomorrow at my house...

when you come over to jam.

(GASPS) I'd love to!

Where do you live?

Okay, stalker.

(GROANS)

Oh, hello, Lisa Simpson.

And how are you this fine evening?

Dad, stop interrogating people,
you fascist!

Hmm.

Wow, you're really rude to your dad.

Thanks. That's actually
the reason I got into drums.

To drive him crazy.

But then I...

Turns out, I really like playing music.

It takes the suck out of things.

It does take the suck out of things.

(GASPS) I just said a light swear.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- (KNOCKING)

Well, sounds like
you girls are having fun.

How would you know?!

(SIGHS) Yes. Well, uh,

dinner's almost ready, dear.

Lisa and I are eating at the mall.

I've been hand-rolling gnocchi all day.

Stop touching my food.

Food-toucher.

Look at all this science stuff.

Are you building a Frankenstein?

'Cause if you are, you have to tell me.

Ah, yes.
Uh, you're here to pick up Lisa.

She's at the mall with my,
uh, challenging daughter.

Eh, tell me something,
Simpson, do you like beer?

Hmm, I never thought about it.

(GLUGGING)

Well, I've been brewing
my own Belgian ale

in the style of the Trappist monks.

It's a, it's a stupid hobby really.

(LAUGHS) That is stupid.

I buy my beer in a bar.

I-I'm sure you do.

But, uh, just take a sip.

(CHOIR SINGING)

This is the most delicious drink

I ever drank that could get me drunk.

You made this?

Yes, I did. If you'd like,

I could show you how to brew it
using these simple ingredients.

Beer has ingredients?

- What the hell?

(GLUGGING)

You have so much to teach me.

(BURPS)

Okay, worked there, got fired there.

Got unfairly accused
of shoplifting there.

Oh, shoplifted a ton of stuff there.

Wow, you've really lived.

In this end of the mall, sure.

Cool!

A selfie machine.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Ooh, A Prom Before Dying.

I read that book.
It's about two teenagers

who fall in love despite only
having minutes to live.

Sounds stupid.

Let's go see it. It's on me.

LISA: Shauna's so great.
She's like a fun, older friend

who's mean to me for no reason.

But somehow I really want
to hang out with her.

What do you call that?

Um, she seems young for a movie

with adult themes.

You have to let her in.

I'm her big sister.

LISA: (GASPS) That's it... big sister!

Now let's go watch teenage
sickos make out, then croak...

- little sis.
- (GIGGLES)

(SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Shauna, two, three, four ♪

♪ Is my new three, four ♪

♪ Super awesome,
three, four, sister! ♪

You've made a very fussy enemy.

Well... later, losers!

That's what Shauna and I
call people who aren't us.

Isn't that cute?

HOMER: Hmm.

Hmm, I'm not sure
Shauna's the best influence.

She always seems like she's so over it.

Even when "it" is something nice.

Yep, teens are garbage. (CHUCKLES)

Anyway, I'm off to 'Mers.

Don't you mean Moe's?

No, Chalmers.

Now there's a different sad,
old man getting me drunk.

♪ Before we commence a new batch ♪

♪ Let us chug deep the last ♪

♪ Of the old. ♪

(HARMONIC BURPING)

Oh, man.

Art thou as hammered as I?

Yes, verily, but,
Homer, Trappist brewing

is about more than
just drinking the beer.

It's about the traditions
of the Belgian monks

who created this divine quaff.

(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(RETCHING)

See, that's what I like
about home brewing.

You're there when it enters the world,
so full of promise.

And you know that if you
pour your heart and hard work

into it, it won't tell you it's pregnant

just to mess with you.

Simpson!

- Hmm?
- I think it's time for you

to brew this next batch on your own.

You think I'm ready?

Oh, I sense great drunkenness in you.

♪ ♪

Mm. I didn't think he'd
transform on page one,

but I'm not complaining.

(PLAYING DJ KOOL'S
"LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT")

My horror-romance!

Messing with parents is the best.

Wow, Shauna, you're so good!

I've been thinking,
you should try out for lead drummer.

They would never give that to me.

Even if I wanted it, which I don't.

Why won't you shut up about this?

Mmm, these Cheetos are cheesy.

Shauna, listen,
the last thing I'd ever do

is imply that you care,
but I think you're a star.

And stars are meant to shine.

So if you won't do this for yourself,

will you do it for me?

Uh...

I think I have cheese dust in my eyes.

Fine, I'll do the audition.

But only to shut you up.

Yes!

Mind if I celebrate with a sax solo?

Oh, that'd be great.

(CHUCKLES) Sarcasm noted.

♪ ♪

Huzzah, big brother!

Thank you, petit frère.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Next audition... Shauna Chalmers?!

I am so out of here.

Mm.

(INHALES, EXHALES)

(CRYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GIGGLING)

♪ ♪

ALL: Shauna!

(CHEERING)

Shauna, that was great!

(WHISPERS): I won't tell
anyone how hard you practiced.

Like I care.

(WHISPERS): Thanks.

Um, Shauna, I'm sorry to bother you,

but I'm Trevor McBride,
star quarterback.

Cool bio, Jock Cousteau.

What do you want?

Well, um, I couldn't help but noticing

that you blew my mind
tonight with your drumming.

I'm having a pool party
at my house tomorrow.

- Do you want to come?
- Mm.

Of course,
your band friends are invited, too.

Sure. I guess.

"Sure" and "I guess"?

Crushing it!

I don't know. I've never been

to a teen party before.

Don't worry,
you'll be with your big sis.

Whatevs, it's all good, NBD.

What am I saying? It's a huge BD!

- (GIGGLES)
- Oh, I forgot to mention.

Everyone has to bring a beer to get in.

Huh, I think I have
a hookup for some brews.

Hmm. Warm caramel color,

the foam is immaculately bubbled.

Beautifully brewed, Brother Homer.

♪ ♪

Today, you have truly become

my padre from another madre.

(CHUCKLES)

I wish only to be worthy
of our humble labels.

_

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- SHAUNA: Daddy?

I know I've been kind
of a B-word lately.

That stands for Brenda.
She's this total bitch I know.

So Lisa and I want
to apologize by, like,

putting on a little show for you.

Shauna, that is so thoughtful and-and...

Just shut up and come in the house!

You're so embarrassing! Both of you!

BOTH: Sorry, Shauna.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Awesome! This beer is exactly

where the chick said it would be.

Her name is Shauna!

Learn three things
about her that don't have

to do with her looks,
or you're off the team!

(PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC)

Wonderful.
Shauna and I are finally connecting.

We're just like the Gilmore Girls.

(CHUCKLES) And I'm Lorelai.

(WHISPERS): I'm so happy for you.

(CLICKS)

♪ ♪

What?

- Bravissima! Yes!
- Yeah! (WHOOPING)

- Wonderful, wonderful!
- Yeah! All right!

Welcome to the pool party, ladies.

We've got pizza, burgers...

possible and Impossible...

and hella soda, courtesy of my parents.

BOTH: Love you, T-Man!

(LIVELY CHATTER)

Oh, my God!
It's a little girl with a saxophone.

So cute.

Play us a song, Saxophone Girl.

Okay, sure.

♪ ♪

I don't care what people say.

I just think music is one of
the coolest sounds out there.

Want to kiss about it?

Duh.

Trev, Mom and I are going to one
of those fun escape rooms

in another city.

Is it okay with you that we won't

be back for seven hours?

Oh, don't worry about them, Brian.

It's almost nightfall.

That's when teen pizza parties
generally break up.

Bye.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Well, party's over.

Now let's make two
separate recycling piles.

JOHNNY JOE: The beer...

is here!

(ALL CHEERING, CLAMORING)

(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

_

Uh, this is like one of those TV shows

I'm not supposed to watch.

- Our beer, someone stole it!
- (HOMER GASPS)

But I brewed that
with the malt of my loins.

(CRYING)

Oh, God, please don't let Shauna have

anything to do with this.

I'm gonna check her social media.

She lets you follow her?

Of course not.

I follow her as "Rodrigo,"

a goth teen from Argentina.

Mm. Oh, dear God,
that so-called pool party

is a bona fide rager!

(GASPS)

Our homebrewed beer is
inebriating these minors.

We have to go save them.

The beers I mean,
from those awful teens!

Excuse me, have you seen Shauna?

Big sister?

Cool, it's a metal beer bong.

Thanks.

(GASPS)

(GLUGGING)

(WAILS)

Hello, emergency?

I'd like to report the
abandonment of a minor.

The minor is me! (SOBBING)

Hurry, this party is out of control!

What are you doing?

Did you just narc out the party,
you party narc?

Where were you?!

I was with Trevor, getting some.

- Some what?
- Some smooches.

- Duh!
- Your turn.

You give me that!

Oh, no, this is terrible.

Homer, we need to get
every one of those bottles,

or my superintending days are over.

(HOMER WHIMPERING)

You abandoned me.

And I was really scared.

I thought big sisters were
supposed to take care of you.

And I thought little
sisters weren't supposed

to be stupid, snitchy babies.

I am not a stupid, snitchy baby!

(CRYING)

- (LIVELY CHATTER)
- ♪
♪

It's worse than we thought, Chief.

This party's not just epic.

It's legendary.

Now, who could have given
these teens so much beer?

Uh, good evening, Your Eminences.

May God be with you.

Chief, those are no monks!

- (WIGGUM GASPS)
- (BOTH CLAMORING)

You two are under arrest

for subjecting these kids

to the best night of their lives.

Well, there goes
my career and my pension.

Oh, and also I'm going to prison.

(LAUGHING)

- (HOMER WHIMPERS)
- LOU: Chief?

I just breathalyzed all these teens.

They're all blowing . .

Dear God, they're already dead!

This beer contains no alcohol.

Simpson, you-you glorious idiot.

You forgot to add the yeast.

What forgot the who?

No fermentation means no intoxication.

Mwah! Your incompetence

just saved our cowls.

Attention teens, you are not drunk.

Repeat... not drunk.

Please examine your outrageous behavior

through a lens of
newfound self-awareness.

Please use this experience

to better understand the
pressures you're all under,

and have more compassion
for your friends,

teachers, parents, and most of all,

yourselves. Over.

You bungling brewmasters are free to go.

My career. It's saved. (LAUGHING)

Yes.

Whoa, Rodrigo from Instagram is crying

at our party!

Let's comfort him.

(CRYING)

All right, yeah... (CHUCKLES)

Yes, all right.

Sweetie, what are you doing
at a teenager party?

Shauna brought me!

But I never want to see
her stupid face again!

(CRYING)

- Dad...
- Mm.

MARGE: Oh, Lisa.

It's been a week now.

Are you still upset about Shauna?

I really did think of her like a sister.

Well, you still have your real sister.

- Hmm?
- (MAGGIE GIGGLING)

Well, your father and I are headed out.

We're gonna spend some Mommy-Daddy time.

Marge, did you get the hotel room?

Because I got the chants
and the incense.

Ave Maria.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

That must be the babysitter.

Hmm?

Oh, hello.

You look... well.

Thanks. I thought I might see you here

at the house you live in.

What's going on here?

Well, whatever it is,
the awkwardness is...

(SMOOCHES) ...delicious.

(LAUGHS)

So, how's the marching band?

I can't believe they made me quit

when that kid's toe healed.

I hate Western medicine.

Oh, I quit, too.

I started a punk band,
where I'm the drummer and the singer.

Just like Phil Collins!

Okay, got to go.

We're called Brenda and the B-words.

I never would have done it
without all that

stupid confidence you gave me.

Wow, that's actually
really nice to hear.

Shut up, it wasn't meant to be.

Anyway, I brought my drums.

You want to jam?

I'd like that.

Oh, dear God, no.

♪ ♪

Aah! (GRUNTS)

("YOU CAN COUNT ON ME"
BY SAMMY DAVIS PLAYING)

♪ If you get in trouble ♪

♪ Bring it home to me ♪

♪ Whether I am near you ♪

♪ Or across the sea ♪

♪ I will think of something to do ♪

♪ I'll be on the lookout for you ♪

♪ And I'll find you ♪

♪ You can count on me ♪

♪ You can count on,
you can count on ♪

♪ You can count on ♪

♪ Count on me. ♪

Shh!