03x02 - limonada

[bunniefuu]

(QUIET CHATTER FADING IN)

Two number threes with Diet Cokes?

- Oh, yeah. Thanks.
- Sure.

- (BAG CRINKLING)
- Could I have my change, please?

- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you so much. Thank you.

- Here's your burgers.
- Yeah.

Please let me ride up front with you.

- Here's your drink.
- Okay.

- Here's your change.
- Oh, my God. Thanks.

Look, can I at least eat the sandwich

- before we take off?
- We gotta go.

- No, no, no.
- Wait, the food is gonna fly all over the...

We gotta go! Got big plans!

SALLY: Yeah, I just...

I wanna make sure that
we fully understand,

like, why Chloe decides to leave Zach.

I think it's pretty clear.

Are you worried it'll appear
like we have an agenda?

No, not an agenda. Just, like,
needs to be, like, complex

and gray, you know?

And right now, it just reads like...

(GROWLS) I don't know.
Like her dialogue is...

People just don't talk
like that, you know?

Like in perfectly worded arguments.

I would disagree with that assumption.

Her naïveté is a direct result
of the history of subjugation

of women by a draconian patriarchy.

Right...

Maybe we throw a few "um's" in there?

(GASPS)

- Oh, my God...
- How do you know to do all this?

Writing? Oh! (LAUGHS) It's easy.

You know, you just, um...

follow your instincts
and keep it honest.

- You know, just like when you're acting.
- Yeah, I'm...

I'm actually, like, working
on some personal stuff.

Like, um, kind of a show.
It's like coming of age,

but set in space.

- I don't know, but...
- Sally!

- Barry?
- Hey!

Hi. I... Wait...

I'm forgetting.

Did I ask you to come?

No, I came on my own.

- Oh... Hi!
- Hey!

Hey. Listen, I know how to get Cousineau

over the m*rder of his girlfriend.

You cast him on your show.

SALLY: What... I...

What? Wait, y... You
talked to Cousineau?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, and, um, you know,
he's still pretty f*cked up,

but I think getting his, um,
you know, career back on track

will make him a little less f*cked
up and give him a purpose.

Oh, that's so sweet.

But we threw his name out for
a part and casting said no.

I think the direct quote
was, "life's too short."

Well, wait, aren't you the boss?
Can't you override that?

Yeah, I am the boss,
which is why I need to trust

that I hired smart people,

and casting said he's a shitshow. So...

- He's not a shitshow.
- Yeah, I know.

Look, I was as surprised as you are,

but the town wants
nothing to do with him.

He's made his bed, so...

Hey, you know, I'm kind of in
the middle of something here,

so can we talk about this at home?

He's in a lot of pain.

Yeah. No, I am sorry to hear that.

- No, you're not.
- What?

If you actually felt that way,

you'd do something about it, but
you're not doing anything about it.

So now, I have to do something about it.

I came here for your help,

and you're not giving it to me.

Are you okay?

'Cause you seem a little manic.

- I'm worried about him.
- So am I.

Which is why I tried to
get him on my show.

We're saying the same thing.

We are not saying the same thing!

We are not saying the same thing!
If I don't do this, I don't live!

I have to do this to f*cking live!

- (LAUGHING)
- Don't f*cking laugh at me!

My whole life! My whole... f*cking life!

- Barry...
- I need you to do this for me now!

Now!

- Do it.
- Okay.

- I see... you're very upset right now.
- Do it!

Look, I-I-I'm sorry. I tried, and...

- I... I can't.
- (SIGHS) sh*t.

(SALLY SIGHS)

(PHONE BUZZING)

- Hello?
- Hey-hey.

Are you around to meet up?

(QUIETLY): Yes. Um...

- What time were you thinking?
- Now!

NOHO HANK (ON PHONE): Right. Duh.

(LOUDLY): You know, I really wish
you would trust one of my guys

to bring you these heroin plants,

but since I'm the only
one you trust, you know?

Just... sucks that you live

- all the way in Calabasas.
- GIRLS: Hi!

- I mean, that is a drive.
- Say I live in the Redlands.

Redlands? f*ck me!

Wow.

I am so f*cked today.

I will not be coming back
to this office anytime soon.

(QUIETLY): Okay. I'll see you later.

(CRISTOBAL LAUGHS)

Are you selling limonada?

- GIRLS: Yeah.
- Oh, how much?

BOTH: One dollar!

Fantastic. I'll take two.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

- (DOORS OPEN, SHUT)
- (DOOR ALARMS BEEPING)

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

- (DOORS OPEN, SHUT)
- (GANGSTERS SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPANISH CONTINUES)

- (CLICKING, KNOCKING)
- (MUFFLED SHOUTING)

OCCUPANT: Don't pull on the door!

Let me unlock first!

(BEEP, CLICK)

Pendejo.

- Mi yerno.
- Suegro.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- (BACK PATTING)

Did you just come all
the way from Bolivia?

Yes.

But not in this. It's a rental.

We flew.

- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- (SECURITY GUARD RADIO CHATTER)

GENE COUSINEAU (MUFFLED): Barry?

Barry, I've been in this
trunk way too long.

I can't feel my legs!

A-and, you might not know this,

but that is definitely a stroke symptom!

- You're going to have to relax.
- GENE: What are you doing?

Plan A didn't work, so I'm
gonna have to do plan B.

GENE: Do you even know what the plan is?

I don't know what the plan is!

Look, I'm trying to f*cking
help you, man, all right?

- So just shut up!
- GUARD: Where you going?

Uh, Allison Jones' office, please.

We were all just a
little confused though.

I mean, you read for "Swim Instructors,"

you were really good.

We liked you. Jay liked you.

- Who?
- Jay.

- The director.
- Oh, Jay Roach.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But then, um, we couldn't find you.

You didn't return any calls,
and we left messages.

We left word, we couldn't...

- You never called us back.
- Right.

- No, uh, something came up.
- Right. Well, it's cast now.

They went with Adam DeVine and Josh Gad.

Two short guys. Never,
ever, ever going to work.

Not funny. I don't know
why they think it is.

- Right...
- Yeah.

Well, it's, um, I'm not
really here for me.

Uh, I was wondering if you could, um,

- get my acting teacher some work.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, his name is Gene Cousineau.
He's been around...

Oh, Gene Cousineau's a f*cking assh*le.

I won't have anything to do with him.

He was awful to me. No, thank you.

But you know what?
I like your intensity.

You kind of have, like, a not-present
Joaquin Phoenix thing.

- Huh.
- We might have something for you, actually,

that you could be right for.

On the show "Laws Of Humanity,"

there's a great role, Mr. Millaway.

Can you come back at
: and read for that?

- Me?
- Yeah.

: . Different office.

Good role. I think
you'd be great for it.

Yeah. Last slot.

("SKINNY PAPA" BY WILLIE COLON PLAYING)

♪ This is skinny papa,
don't you be a creep ♪

♪ If you learn to boogaloo,
you can really be deep ♪

♪ Look at fat mama,
she's as cool as ice ♪

♪ If you dig a boogaloo,
you know it's pretty nice ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Skinny papa ♪

♪ Come on and do the boogaloo ♪

♪ Fat mama's dancing ♪

♪ So, why can't you? ♪

♪ Skinny papa ♪

♪ Come on and do the boogaloo ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Fat mama dancing ♪

♪ So, why can't you? ♪

Cristobal!

- (PARTY CHATTER)
- Drink with me. Come on.

- (GROANS)
- (NERVOUS LAUGH)

(LAUGHS) This Airbnb is fantastic.

(LAUGHS)

- They're fun, no?
- Y-yeah. Yeah.

(FERNANDO LAUGHS)

Stop being so much fun!

(LAUGHS)

Uh, did Elena send you?

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

My daughter misses her husband.

And the niños, they...
they need their daddy.

I know you've had a hard time
establishing a foothold in LA.

Minor setback.

Chechens seem to be a major setback.

But not to worry.

The cavalry is here.

We will take them out. Blood for blood.

The sooner we can wipe
out these Russian farmers,

the sooner we establish our business.

And you can go back home!

- (LAUGHING)
- (CRISTOBAL SIGHS)

Blood for blood.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Sally?

Action on rehearsal.

Sally, action on rehearsal.

Oh. Um...

You need to get out of
this. I think I'll...

I think we'll cross this way,
if that's not totally weird.

Um... Sorry. Yeah. You
need to get out of this.

But he apologized.

That's why you're staying
in it, for the apology.

- That's not a thing.
- Yes, it is.

I did it with your father, and
it was a pattern I fell into.

It took me years to break it, but I did.

And I just don't want...

f*ck! What's my line?

I don't want you to make
the same mistakes.

Yeah, we gotta change that.

- I just... I say that to her constantly.
- All right, let's set this up.

- Cast can rest.
- SALLY: Where's my script?

- (SET CHATTER)
- (TYPING)

Hey. Are, are you okay?

Yeah. That was really scary.

Yeah. Um, so, uh, we
gotta report that, right?

Oh. Are you guys talking
about Sally's boyfriend?

- I heard about that.
- CHLOE: Yeah, we were there.

It was, like, terrifying.

Who do we talk to about this?

Well, he doesn't work here,
so we can't report it to HR.

Did he hit her?

- No. Um...
- Did he thr*aten her?

Uh, no.

Did he throw anything?

Well, (SCOFFS) he had her
pinned up against the wall,

and he was yelling at her.

(SIGHS) There's really nothing
we can do about that.

I mean, he's clearly a violent person.

They're adults, and I like my job.

Sucks that you had to see tha...

- (BEEP)
- What, camera's ready?

- (BEEP)
- We're ready for you on set.

♪ ♪

Okay...

(MUTTERING)

Apologize...

So let me get this straight.

You went in to get me a part,
and you got yourself a part?

It's an audition.

I'm reading Mr. Millaway.
You're a lawyer.

You seriously want me to
interpret the scene for you?

Are you out of your f*ckin' mind?

Oh, just let me go, Barry.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.

- Wait, you wouldn't go to the cops?
- Of course not!

You're a bad actor, Mr. Cousineau.

So you're gonna hold me hostage
until you book me a part?

That's not the way it works.

We're talking about me here.
That could take years.

Look, what I'm saying to
you is that your plan sucks.

Look, I swear on Janice's soul,

- I will not say a word to anyone...
- It's either this or I k*ll you.

You're one of the good guys, Barry.

(OIL RIGS CREAKING)

You did a horrible thing.

But I see your pain.

It is the same pain that
you came to me with.

Fresh out of the army. A lost soul.

No one to tell you your worth.

I took you in.

Not only did I teach you
to be a good actor,

I taught you to be a good human being.

And this is how you repay me?

By k*lling me?

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ ♪

I love you, Mr. Cousineau.

- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- (WIND BLOWING)

I appreciate that, Barry.

All right. Well, look, we
don't have a lot of time.

Uh, I was going through
my checklist in my head,

and I think my guy's issue is his ego.

Like, he's one of these big pharma guys.

But I think I can actually make
one of these guys likable.

(GROANS) Hi.

No, I'm just leaving.
Literally the worst date.

I'm not exaggerating this time. Okay.

He ordered milk with
dinner. He... Oh, my...

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(g*ns RATTLING)

_

This thing has cup holders.

I counted.

Madness.

(SPANISH CHATTER ON WALKIE-TALKIES)

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

Apaga las luces.

- (LIGHTS CLICKING)
- (g*nf*re)

(FLASHLIGHTS CLICKING)

(SPANISH CHATTER)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

GANGSTER (ON WALKIE-TALKIE):
There's no one here.

- Cómo que no one?
- (SPEAKING SPANISH)

- ¿Seguro?
- (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): Nada.

_

_

- Look at the dinosaur!
- Look!

- Look!
- Dinosaur! Look!

Dinosaur! "Jurassic Park"!

_

- Holy sh*t! Jimmy Kimmel!
- Where?

- Right there!
- Yeah, Batir,

that's where they do the Jimmy Kimmel.

- "The Man Show" does not age well.
- Ah! Ah!

No. Not a carbonara. That's too fancy.

Just, like, a regular spaghetti.

I mean, do you guys have a kids menu?

- Sally, Lindsay's in your office.
- What? Lindsay?

- Wait. What? Did she say what for?
- Didn't say.

- She's here.
- Oh. Okay.

She just walked in.
I'll give her the lowdown.

- Hey. What's up?
- LINDSAY: Hey.

That was Casey over at Diane's office.

- We have a situation.
- Ah...

Apparently, there's
another show like yours.

- What?
- It's called "Pam!"

with an exclamation mark.

So it's kinda more like... Pam!

- Who's in it?
- LINDSAY: Alexis Kaplan.

- She's a stand-up comedian.
- Who's that?

- She is hysterical.
- Yeah. In the show, she plays a woman

who escapes an abusive relationship
and has a daughter.

NATALIE: (LAUGHS)
Wait, look at the glass!

- It's so big!
- It's cute.

She loves to drink.

That's a show about abuse?

You're mad? You're mad.

So Diane wants to get ahead of it,

so they're pulling your release date up.

- What?
- Yeah.

- To when?
- End of the week.

Exciting! It's so exciting!
(MUFFLED SQUEAL)

I-I don't know how I feel about this.

So, we'll do the premiere Thursday,

and you have to do a press junket.

- When?
- Tomorrow.

- It's happening tomorrow?
- So let's sit down...

- we can talk strategy.
- I gotta go pick up some spaghetti.

LINDSAY: We do... We should
talk about it right now

- because it is tomorrow.
- NATALIE: But she needs to get spaghetti.

- (TIRES SCREECH)
- (INSECTS CHIRPING)

- (TIRES SCREECH)
- (THUDDING)

(GENE GROANING)

- (DOOR OPENS)
- (TAKES OFF SEATBELT)

- (SHUTS DOOR)
- Be right back!

Apologize? Are you nuts?

I'm not the type of man
to admit my wrongs.

I've already paid the family.

CASTING ASSOCIATE: I need you
to not only look inside your wallet,

but your soul.

It's part of the settlement.

To apologize? What kind
of law practice is this?

A law practice whose goal
is to eradicate meanness.

Wait. That's you guys?

- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah. Thanks, Barry.

Okay. Uh, when will I know if I got it?

Uh, work's tomorrow, so soon.

I really need this job.

I know, everyone does.
We'll get back to you, okay?

You have that part, the sad
old man whose wife dies,

have you cast that yet?

Doesn't have any lines.
That's just gonna be an extra.

I need you to cast my acting teacher.

- There's a process here...
- His name is Gene Cousineau.

Gene Cousineau? That's
your acting teacher?

That the guy that brought the loaded g*n

to the "Full House" audition?

Yeah. When Allison didn't
cast him on "Family Ties,"

he called her a donkey witch.

Everybody deserves a second chance.

That's not how it works.

(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)

When I met Mr. Cousineau...

I was a lost soul.

I was just out of the Marines.
I didn't have anybody.

He didn't just teach me how to...

be a better actor, but...

he taught me how to be a human being.

He saved my life.

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

(TYPING)

Oh, my God. Thank God you're okay.

(HEAVY BREATHING) Oh, f*ck.

What the f*ck is going
on? Who's Fernando?

Why the f*ck is Fernando
trying to k*ll us? I mean...

Fernando is the head
of our family, Hank.

He brought his elite soldiers.

Las Águilas.

(IMITATES BIRD SCREECH)

You don't stand a chance.
You need to run.

Run?

Come on, we don't run away from anyone.

- Let me talk to him, okay?
- f*ck, man,

you're not listening to me, Hank.

You don't talk to him!
No one talks to him!

You'll die.

I couldn't handle that.

Wait, like, are you breaking up with me?

Goodbye.

Enriquito.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

(FOOTSTEPS SPEED UP)

(UNLOCKS CAR, OPENS DOOR)

(SHUTS DOOR, STARTS ENGINE)

(ON CAR RADIO): Oh, you
know, me and Don Felder...

(REVVING ENGINE)

...especially the drums,
we wanted it to be very wet...

- (DRIVES AWAY)
- (RADIO AUDIO FADES)

(INSECTS CONTINUE CHIRPING)

("THE UNFORGIVEN" BY METALLICA PLAYING)

♪ What I've felt ♪
♪ What I've known ♪

(QUIETLY): Okay, okay, okay...

(cr*ck, HISS)

(RUMMAGING)

Okay...

"Connect to Bluetooth"?

How the f*ck do you do that?

(PHONE RINGING)

Barry? Hey.

- (INSECTS CHIRPING)
- I got a part!

Wh... For your controller?
No, no, I-I got you a new one.

No! No, like a part on a TV
show! "Laws of Humanity."

Wait, what?

Oh, my God! That's, like...

That's like a huge f*cking show!

Like, a real show! Congrats!

Yeah, I got Cousineau a part, too!

Oh, my God, so you did it.

- How?
- I told Ben, the casting guy,

our story, and he was really moved.

His exact words were,
"That is f*cking clean

- and rad and beautiful, bro."
- SALLY: Oh, my God.

I can't believe he said rad.
They never say stuff like that.

That is just... That is so
wonderful, Boo Bear.

I mean, we should...
we should celebrate.

- Yeah, I'll be home soon.
- Okay.

Yeah. Hey, listen. I, um...

Uh, I texted you a lot earlier.

Oh, I haven't... I haven't
been near my phone.

SALLY: Oh, yeah. No, that's okay.

Um, I just, uh, I actually...

I wanted to apologize. I...

(SIGHS) I was... I've just
been under so much stress,

and then you came to my office,
and I was just thrown,

- and I-I'm really sorry.
- BARRY: Oh, it's okay.

Okay.

Uh... Wait, are you okay?

BARRY: Yeah.

Okay.

- Are you happy?
- BARRY: Yeah. I gotta go.

Okay. I just... I really
want you to be happy.

- BARRY: Okay, byeee!
- Okay. I love you!

- (LINE BEEPING)
- Love you.

- (INSECTS CHIRPING)
- (KEYS JINGLING)

Mr. Cousineau! Guess what?

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Ho... Ho!

- (INSECTS CHIRPING)
- (PANTING, WHEEZING)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(CAR APPROACHING)

LIZ: Okay. I-I did not see this coming.

I felt like things were
going really well.

- No, that's irrelevant.
- (GENE YELPS)

I wouldn't have made this big move.

I wouldn't.

(SIGHS) I just...

I don't understand why you
don't want to be with me.

I mean, it's been five amazing years.

- (PANTING)
- (FENCE RATTLING)

(DOG BARKS)

(DOG SNARLING)

- (GENE GASPS)
- (DOG GROWLS, ROARS)

I'm working on myself and you
seem to be appreciating that.

No? I mean, I don't understand
why you're leaving me.

You have too many dogs.

- Who?
- You!

- Me?
- Yes!

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE BUZZING)

sh*t. f*ck.

- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
- (RESTAURANT CHATTER)

- (MUSIC PLAYING IN RESTAURANT)
- (PANTING)

Excuse me, little girl,

- I really need your help.
- Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I'm being chased by a man

- who k*lled my girlfriend.
- Oh, my God.

Yeah, and now, he's
trying to make up for it

by getting me a job on a TV show.

Right...

I don't have my phone.

Could you please call
me an internet taxi?

- (DOG YIPS)
- Is that your dog?

Oh, no. That's just one of
the that mauled me.

- Mm-hmm. Uh...
- (YIPPING)

Okay. It looks like there's
one right around the corner.

- You are an angel!
- Okay. Good luck.

No, no, no! Please, don't
leave me. I can't be alone.

- No, I have to go to work.
- I-I'm a good person.

I wanted to live.

So I ate his sandwiches in the trunk.

- Oh! That's your car. That one.
- Yeah?

(g*ns ENGINE)

(SCREAMS)

- (ENGINE ROARING)
- (TIRES SQUEAL)

- (HORN HONKS)
- (CARS CRASH)

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

(HORN HONKING)

- (ALARM CONTINUES)
- (SIGHS)

- (DOG COLLAR JINGLING)
- (YIPPING)

- (ALARM FADES OUT)
- (VIDEO GAME MUSIC FADES IN)

- (GASPS) Leo!
- (DOG YIPPING)

- L-Leo!
- Jesus, Dad, what happened to you?

- Call the police.
- W-what do you mean?

- No, no, no. Listen to me!
- GORDON: Oh, my God, a doggy!

- I want you to...
- LEO: Barry, here's your tea.

- (VIDEO GAME MUSIC CONTINUES)
- (ICE CUBES CLINK)

LEO: Oh, Dad, you like you
got, like, hit by a bus.

Something... Something
happen to you two?

No, your dad was helping
me with an audition,

and we both, uh,
committed a little too hard.

Uh, you said something about the police?

No.

Okay, cool.

- (ICE CUBES CLINK)
- (DOOR SHUTS)

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC CONTINUES)

I told that casting director our story,

and he was so moved...

that he gave us both parts.

So you're going to enjoy

everything that comes with
being given a second chance.

Because if you don't...

this one... and that one... go away.

Do you understand?

(RAGGED INHALE)

I love you, Mr. Cousineau.

Do you love me?

Can you say it?

I love you, Barry.

Can you say it again?

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC)

♪ ♪