08x14 - Home Alone

[bunniefuu]

Does everybody
know what time it is?

Tool Time! Tool Time!

That's right. Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Tool Man"
Taylor. And I intend to remain him.

(CHUCKLES)

And you all know my
assistant, Al Borland.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

I'm excited. Today we have a
globally significant Tool Time.

We're doing our Tool Time salute

(GONG RINGS)

BOTH: to
international relations.

In today's world, manufacturing
superpowers compete

for the leading edge
in consumer products.

Competition is healthy but

so much more can be
accomplished if you work together...

Al? Harmoniously.

Al! My show, okay?

So in the spirit of international
brotherhood, we have invited

the president of a major Japanese
corporation to be our guest,

to show us some of
their newest inventions.

Let's give a warm Tool Time
welcome to Nobo Nakamura.

Welcome to Tool Time. Or
as they say in Japanese...

(SPEAKING MOCK JAPANESE)

You just invited me to
frolic in your trousers.

Well, in this light you're
kind of an attractive man.

All right, Nobo.

Why don't you show us what's
new in Japanese high tech?

I would be happy to, Al.

Behold

the future!

Uh...

Well, it appears to be a
steel rod with a hand on it.

It's called The Lazy Grabber.

You can pick up stuff without
having to leave your chair.

Well, I was under the impression
that Nakamura Industries

was involved in lasers
and high-tech stuff like that.

Someone on your staff
called Nakamura Novelties.

We specialize in things like

the Noodle Guard.

Protection from embarrassing
noodle backsplash.

Well, that's bound to turn that
Japanese economy right around, huh?

Now I'll show you something
really state of the art.

I will demonstrate on Al.

This is the all-day
tissue dispenser.

For the guy on the
go who has to go.

That's just a crappy invention.

You calling my
number-one seller crappy?

Wouldn't that be your
number-two seller?

Nobo is not laughing.

Oh, boy, Nobo. I'll bite.

What the heck is this?

This is called the Grin Grabber.

Simply put on
your face like this

and then with one
tug of the string,

even grouchiest guy
turns into Happy Harry.

That is the stupidest
thing I've ever seen.

Okay, now you make Nobo mad.

And yet you're smiling.

Hey, Tim, so your family is
going away this weekend?

Yeah. You want to hang out?

Nope.

Okay, then. Nice talking to you.

Al, it has nothing
to do with you.

Just being alone this weekend
will give me the perfect chance

to write that book for Binford.

You're still writing that thing?

Didn't they give you the
advance, like, six months ago?

Yes. And I spent the
advance six months ago.

And I just, you know,
have to write the book.

You've done nothing?

Yes! I've done a lot of things.

You plan. There's planning
involved. You don't just write a book.

You gotta plan. Make plans. I
made a lot of plans, you know?

Like you gotta
plan who you'd want

to do it if they made
a movie out of it.

Okay, let me guess.
Harrison Ford?

He knows his tools, but
doesn't have my bone structure.

So what's the deadline?

Monday morning.

I have to have three chapters.
Which gives me, of course,

the entire weekend to crystallize
my thoughts on love, life,

tools, my fascination with them,

yin-yang, the dharma of guyness.

You have no idea
what to write, do you?

I have no idea what to write!

Good luck.

BRAD: Bye, Dad. See you Monday.

You guys have a nice weekend.

I'll be fine. There's plenty
of food in the refrigerator.

I need it nice and quiet
to get my work done.

JILL: Bye, Tim!

Yeah. Okay. I'll miss you all.

MARK: See you.
I'll miss you a lot!

JILL: Miss you, too. Miss you.

MARK: Bye.

(WHOOPS)

I'm all by myself!

Miss you!

I can do whatever I want!

Anything I want to do. What
do we want to do? Let's think.

What do we want to do? First...

Take a nap.

Then go to a strip
club or a drag race.

Have a snack! Then I'll
nap in the chair or the couch.

Chair or couch? Couch!

Yes!

No.

Gotta write.

Write, write,
write, write, write.

Well, I'll just get started.
Okay, okay. All right.

: . I'll write for
four hours straight.

Figure pages per
hour, by : , I'm up to .

Then I get to eat.

I'm actually ahead of schedule.

So let's eat.

Look at all the
food Jill made me.

Macaroni and cheese,
pot roast. Oh, boy!

Tuna casserole.

So nice of her.

Yes. I'd like to order a pizza.

Let's get a large with
onions and double sausage.

That's a little fatty.

You have turkey sausage?

What are you? A hairdresser?

How about just vegetables?

You can't stand vegetables.

Put double cheese on it.

Yeah. Tim Taylor.
You got my address?

Yes. I rewired the
doorbell. Thank you.

What a wuss! It was only
a second-degree burn.

All right.

Okay, all right. Here we go.

"A."

"A."

"B."

"C."

"B."

"C."

"A."

"O." "O." "O."

"R."

"A."

"C."

(GRUNTING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Right when I was getting hot!

Hello?

What?

Hi, Mary Lou.

Am I satisfied with my
long-distance carrier?

TIM: Tim. Suppose.

Yes. What? TIM: Hello?

No. Ma'am?

TIM: Hey, bonehead!
Wait. Hold it.

This is really a
bad time for me.

Uh-huh.

Okay, Mary Lou, let
me get this straight.

In order to get the
mid-week discount

of four cents a minute...

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Look, I have to call

, times between Saturday

and that following
Thursday after : .

Just sign me up!

No more phone calls.

TIM: Well, that worked out well,
Tim. Hour and a half on the phone,

you saved cents.

Nice chatting with
you, too, Cyber Fred.

No! You prove that I'm
not Marlon Brando, pal!

Cyberspace e-mail!
Look at the time!

The greatest writers of all
time never had a computer.

They used stone
tablets and chisels,

bark, Latin.

The password is...

Legal pad.

Paper, pencils.

What makes legal pads legal?

Is there such a thing
as an illegal pad?

(CLEARS THROAT)

What's legal about yellow?

Pencils are yellow. It's wood.

That's a nice pencil.

Okay. Pencil.

Check. Eraser. Go. Lead. Go.

All systems go, we have

liftoff.

(IMITATING ROCKET ENGINE)

Throughout history, man has...

Here we go.

A little hair.

Very good. Now, see, if
this thing was a comic book,

I'd have one page done already.

Boy. That writer's
cramp is kicking in.

You know, I'm more
of a verbal guy, anyway.

Wait a minute! Wait a
minute! I'll dictate my thoughts

into a tape recorder, then play
them back later and organize them.

(EXCLAIMS)

Captain's log, .

(IMITATES FART)

Spock, was that you?

I'm not buying this
stuff that Vulcans can't.

There's only two of us in here.

Believe me, that wasn't human.

(EXCLAIMS IMPATIENTLY)

Men have different
energy than women.

Men have different
energy than women.

We're take charge.

We take charge.

We're go-getters. Go-getters!

This is ridiculous. I
can't write on the couch.

I gotta go to a place
that pumps me up.

Outside? Upstairs.

Kitchen, no.

The garage! Bingo-bango-bongo!

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

But, first, I'll
enjoy a little pizza.

Sorry I'm late. My
car broke down.

Is that a GTO?

Yeah. I restore old Goats.

Car guy.

I'm building a hot rod in the
garage. A ' Ford convertible.

Whoa.

You got time to show it to me?

Do I have time?

So I'm gonna powder coat the headers
one more time to make sure that...

Yeah, yeah, that's
what you said.

Yeah. The top is all...
The whole thing was...

I know. The German canvas.

Yeah. Yeah. I should really go.

Hey! I spent this whole
time talking about the hot rod.

What do I know about you? I mean,
what's new in the pizza business?

Well, we're thinking about
branching into thick crust.

Yeah. Well, you're gonna
have to get bigger thermal bags.

Yeah. We kind
of thought of that.

Well, you know, I should
get back to writing, I guess.

Unless you need someone
to go on a delivery with you.

Oh, no. I'll be all right.

There you go. Three pounds of
cheese and a -year-old colon.

Perfect.

(FART SOUND)

(FART SOUND)

Well, that worked.

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

KENNY: In an amazing development, Tim
Taylor's book has sold million copies

before even hitting the shelves.

Now on tomorrow's show,
the man who wrote Man

is going to teach us
what it means to be a man,

and also make us
better women for it.

Tim "The Tool Man"
Taylor. That's tomorrow.

Folks, I want to apologize.

Instead of getting a literary
genius like Tim Taylor,

we're stuck tonight with Jack
Nicholson and Marlon Brando.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)

Next week, Pulitzer Prize-winning
author Toni Morrison is here,

not to read from
her latest book,

but from the much anticipated
bestseller by Tim Taylor.

KENNY: This makes it the
best-selling volume in the world,

second only to the Bible.

Mrs. Taylor, can you tell us
anything about your husband's book?

I'm sure that it's gonna be a
brilliant study of the male psyche.

Tim is truly a visionary.

And he's great in bed.

I think it's great that my dad
has written this important book.

And by the way, ladies,

I definitely have some of
that greatness in my genes.

Dad wrote a book?

I'll believe it when I see it.

Tim, Tim, you must
be so excited tonight.

Hey, you're Kenny the pizza guy.

Not anymore. Now I'm
Kenny the on-air personality.

So you won't be
needing a tip then, huh?

Well, Tim, for selling
so many copies,

the publisher has two
big surprises for you.

I like them.

A check for million dollars

and the keys to a
brand new Ferrari.

You're kidding!

KENNY: Not so fast.

Before we let you drive away,
you're gonna have to read us

a few passages from your
highly anticipated book.

Well, I'd love to, Kenny.

Plenty of places
for autographs here.

And notes, you
know, personal notes,

little letters you want
to write to yourself.

Oh, no!

TIM: There's
nothing in this book!

Nothing!

What a hack!

Who are we kidding?
This man's a loser.

Tomorrow's show, celebrities
who feel betrayed by Tim Taylor.

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Coffee. Joe.
Java. And lots of it.

Hey, Wilson. You're up late. What
are you doing on the old Studebaker?

Changing the oil?
Flushing the radiator? What?

I'm just changing my oil.

Then I'm gonna
wash my windshields.

All right! What do you say we pop in a
new motor and rebuild the transmission?

Gum?

Well, no, thank you.

My goodness, you're awfully
peppy for this time of night.

Peppy, peppy, peppy.

Do you think peppy's just a
male trait? Or is it a universal trait

for all people, all times, huh?

Want some gum?

No, thank you, Tim.
And if I might suggest it,

you seem to be three
sticks to the wind.

No. No sticks.

No wind. No nothing. I've just
been drinking a lot of coffee.

Lot of coffee. A lot of
caffeine. Lot of coffee.

See, I just got about hours to
finish three chapters of my book.

Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, take
a breath. Let me finish.

Now, how much writing
have you actually gotten done?

Well...

A paragraph.

I hope it's a good paragraph.

Stinks.

Maybe you're being
too critical of your work.

No. Even the pizza guy hated it.

What's the matter with me? I got a lot
of good ideas up here in the old nugget.

Just can't seem to get
them to come down my neck,

over the shoulder, through
the arm and into the hand.

The hand...

You know, it's odd
there's so much space

between your index
finger and your thumb.

There could be a lot
more fingers right in there.

Well, Tim, it sounds to me like you've
got a classic case of a writer's block.

What exactly are you
trying to write about?

Men. Who they are.
What makes them tick.

First I wrote that all
men are predators.

Well, that's a start.

Yes, yes. It's a start. But
then I thought about Al's family.

And the only predator
there is his mom.

Then I wrote that all men are
consumed with speed and power.

Then I thought about you.

You still use a
manual lawnmower.

Then I spent the rest of the night
just making crank phone calls.

You know? Hey, ever taken a bus?

Well, you better give it back!

You know, Tim, I'm reminded of
the playwright George Bernard Shaw.

He said, "The man who writes
about himself in his own time

"is the only man who writes
about all people and about all time."

Nice car.

What were you just saying?

Well, I'm just saying
that it's a daunting task

to write about all men, because
no two men are exactly the same.

You might be more successful
writing about one man.

Like that famous
guy Seymour Butts!

Why do I even try?

I know what you're saying.

I should just write about
me, Tim "The Tool Man."

WILSON: Exactly.

I'll give that a sh*t.

Sure you don't want some gum?

No.

It's interesting, though, gum.

The origin of the word "gum."
Think about it. Think about it.

Gumby,

who's made of clay, huh?

They didn't call him
Clayby, did they?

Go!

TIM: Who wants to
write about feelings?

Well, maybe other
guys feel the same way.

I wonder how they
feel about feelings.

One chapter done.

I really gotta get
that clock fixed.

Nothing's going to keep
me from finishing this book.

Except maybe those
cups of coffee I drank.

No, that's an excuse,
Tim. I've gotta keep writing.

I have to finish this book so others
have something to read in the bathroom,

which leads me to Chapter .

"Men Who Read in the Bathroom
and the Women Who Need to Vent."

(EXCLAIMS)

Three chapters done. Seven
minutes ahead of schedule.

Well, maybe it's time
for one more chapter.

No.

Well, maybe I'll just
knock out the dedication.

All right.

This book is about
men. It's for men.

And it's dedicated to me.

(GRUNTING)

"Men, the Prologue."
It gets better.

"Beginning this book
wasn't an easy task.

"But through my struggles I learned
that a man should trust his instincts.

"He should face his fears
instead of avoiding them."

Keep reading. Come on.

"Men shouldn't be afraid to talk
to other men about their feelings

"as long as it's in the garage."

"See photos on page
eight, and back flap."

All right, forget that.
Move on to Chapter .

Okay.

"Nothing makes you feel more
like a man than being a father.

"And nothing makes a man
more scared than being a father.

"That's where the challenge is."

That's pretty good, Dad.

Can't wait to finish it.

That's because
men are impatient.

So are you gonna analyze
everything I say from now on?

There's an example of a
man becoming defensive.

And here's an example of a
man avoiding confrontation.

Dad, why are you following me?

Well, 'cause some
men are followers.

We have a globally
significant Tool Time today.

I don't know.

I don't think so.
Pizza boy hated it, too.

I got a lot of good ideas
in my head. I just can't...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)