08x22 - Loose Lips and Freudian Slips

[bunniefuu]

Sorry about that, guy.

Try some Merthiolate or
Mercurochrome. It'll help out.

Welcome back to
our Tool Time salute...

(LOUD BELCH)

To men! To men!

Continuing our show about
everything that men like,

we've got a display
you're gonna love.

And our guests are the authors
of the mucho macho book...

The Big Damn Book
of Sheer Manliness!

Heidi?

Nice pelt. Okay, let's bring
out our authors of the book,

Brant and Todd, the
Von Hoffman brothers.

Todd. How're you doing?
Great to have you on the show.

Nice to meet you guys.

I'm Todd.

I'm Tim. I'm Heidi.

I'm single. I'm not surprised.

Quick testosterone quiz.

Man's best friend... Uh...

His mother.

It's his dog, you big nellie.

Harsh words coming from a
m*llitary man in tasseled loafers.

Yeah, you big... Boss.

Favorite guy movie.
True Grit? Spartacus?

Oh, yeah... My Fair Lady.

My Fair Lady? Yes.

What's wrong with My Fair
Lady? It's a great movie.

(TOGETHER) "Why Can't a
Woman be More Like a Man?"

Because surgery's too expensive.

Come on. Let's get to the
meat and potatoes of this show.

What's the manliest
meal a man can fix?

BOTH: Chili. You're
darn tooting. Heidi?

And speaking of tooting...

Today we're gonna show
you how to make our special

three-alarm colon cleaner.

All right, guys.
What do we do first?

Well, first we've already, uh,
browned up a couple of pounds of meat.

Now, we know you like beef.

(GRUNTING) I love
beef. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, we prefer rattlesnake. But
today we're going with Al's favorite...

Lean stewing turkey.

That's right.

Now, while that's
simmering, you want to add

two cans of chopped,
peeled tomatoes

and a bottle of
your favorite brew.

And, of course, there's
always a debate about

whether or not beans
should be added.

Actually, the debate begins two
hours after you've added the beans.

That's right. What the
hell? We're men, right?

TIM: Go for it, baby.

AL: Next you want
to put in your chili mix.

Right. And a manly
jalapeno pepper.

Now, if there's women-folk
partaking, you might want to go easy.

Oh, please!

Now, you want to let
this stew for about a day.

But we have a pot
here all ready for tasting.

All right, Heidi. That's great.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Oh, clumsy me.

Okay, here you go, boys.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry... "Men."

Al! Al, not with a spoon. Always
eat three-alarm chili with a saltine.

Absolutely! That's right.

Mmm.

Mmm.

I upped it to eight-alarm just to
weed out the men from the boys.

Let me guess. You're
reading the footnotes?

Yeah, that's very funny. I'm
doing physical therapy for soccer.

I gotta put some
weight on my knees.

Have you tried standing up?

Here, take that. All right.

Come on, Dad. Lean on me.

You ready for this? Oh, yes.

All right, buddy. Okay, go.

(GRUNTS)

(BREATHING LOUDLY)

What do they call
that? Jerk du Soleil?

I tell you, this
kid's getting strong.

Pretty soon he'll
be able to lift you.

Very funny. Ha! Ha!

All right. I gotta go
stretch my quads.

Oh. Hmm.

So, how was your day, baby?

Well, I handed in my
thesis to Dr. Hanover.

Congratulations! You
must feel fantastic!

No. What? Are you kidding?

I have to defend my paper now in
front of this whole thesis committee.

And maybe I won't
know the material.

Maybe I won't be able
to answer their questions.

Maybe my whole career
will go into a downward spiral.

Maybe you should
see a therapist.

Oh, that's right. You are
one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Say hello.

Oh, Mark! When are you gonna
stop this family documentary thing?

I'm just getting some
last-minute sh*ts.

The class is showing our
films a week from Friday.

Great! Now I can make a fool out of
myself in front of a whole classroom.

(DOOR BELL
RINGS) Oh, stop. Stop.

I got it.

Oh, hi, Gregory.
Come on in! Hi, Mark.

What's going on?

Mark, I'm having an
anxiety att*ck about my film.

It's like Antonio Banderas is
doing the lambada on my liver.

I'll see what I can do about it.

Mom, Dad, this is Gregory.
He's in my film class.

Hi. Hello, Gregory. Tim Taylor.

I'd, uh, shake your hands, but
human contact makes me queasy.

How do you feel about some k*ller
chili? You want to stay for dinner?

Sorry.

I can't masticate
in front of strangers.

Who can?

I can't believe I have
to waste my Friday night

watching your stupid video.

It's payback for having to watch
you kick your stupid soccer ball.

Guys, this is what family's
all about, you know?

Doing stuff together
that you hate.

Oh, my gosh! That's Dr. Hanover.

(LAUGHS)

Call him Dr. Comb-over.

(SHUSHING) That was a good one.

This guy is head of
the Psych Department.

I have to defend my
thesis to him tomorrow.

Are you sure he shouldn't be
defending his haircut to you?

(SHUSHING)

Good one.

Hello, Jill.

Oh, hi, Dr. Hanover. What
are you doing here tonight?

Well, I have a child in
the class. This is Emily.

Oh, hi. It's nice to meet
you. This is my husband Tim.

Tim. And one of my sons, Brad.

Brad.

Our film student's over there
talking to that boy in the corner.

Yeah, that's poor
Gregory Winston.

You know, talk about a
psychological case study.

I'd really like to
meet his parents.

Well, you'll have to
settle for the father.

How do you do?

He's my stepson.

I'm well aware that
Gregory has issues.

But in the future, you might not want
to be so quick to share your diagnoses.

I'll see you tomorrow
morning, : a.m. sharp.

(SNIGGERING)

Good one.

Attention, everyone.
Find yourselves a seat.

Our young directors
have all made

gritty, realistic documentaries
about their families.

And it's my belief that any
one of these budding auteurs

could grow up to direct
the next Rescue .

Mark, would you like
to man the video deck?

Damian, the lights.

To say that I'm the black sheep of
my family would be an understatement.

I'm hoping to move up to black
sheep. My mother's a Rhodes scholar,

my father's a Doctor of Psychology.
My biggest accomplishment is

that I flossed this morning.

Gregory, stop that taping and
get over here and eat your chicken!

Yes, Father.

Checkmate again, son.

GREGORY: There's nothing I enjoy
more than playing chess with my father.

Except for maybe a
cerebral hemorrhage?

Our last film is from the
very gifted Mark Taylor.

Tim? Wake up! Tim!

We'll be right back after
these messages from Binford!

(SHUSHING)

MARK: Meet my family. On
the surface, we seem normal.

But things are not
always what they seem.

Brad, that's disgusting!

Wait till you see what
I did with the spoon.

Hey, Mom. How was your day?

You really want to
know how my day was?

Not really.

Uh-oh.

What?

Well, it was going
great until I had this

awful conference with this
horribly arrogant professor of mine.

Please don't mention his name!
Please don't mention his name!

You didn't, you
didn't, you didn't.

Dr. Hanover.

You did!

He's a pompous
jackass, you know?

He's smug, he's didactic.

And what is the deal with men,
you know, and their comb-overs?

I mean, this one would start
at his neck and stretch across.

Hideous thing.

Good one.

And those are the Taylors. If
they are the typical American family,

this country's in trouble.

I can't look. Check out
Dr. Hanover. See if he's angry.

Don't make it obvious.

He's not angry.

He's not? He's gone.

Mom, are you ever gonna get off
the phone? I've gotta make some calls.

Use your phone. I can't.

I'm downloading some
hot pictures from Denmark

of Danishes.

Brad, I've been trying to apologize
to Dr. Hanover for two hours. It's busy.

I gotta keep trying.

Hey, Mom! Did you ever
get a hold of your professor?

No. And, you know, none of this
would've happened if you hadn't

taped me without my knowledge.

Don't you know that's illegal?

It would be, except you
said I could tape you.

I have it on tape.

I would never have approved of this
if I'd known that you were gonna be

so irresponsible about
what you showed people!

You're right. I should
have checked with you.

I'm really sorry.

Mom, you don't even
know if he saw Mark's video.

He could've just
left after Gregory's.

Well, I can't take the chance of
walking into that thesis committee

without knowing for sure.

Oh, good! It's ringing.

Hello, Gregory? GREGORY: Yeah.

Hi, this is Mrs.
Taylor, Mark's mom.

Great film.

Are you kidding?

I was so traumatized
by the public viewing that

I just spent two hours on the
phone with an Army recruiter.

Interesting. Uh, Gregory, is your
father there? I need to talk to him.

Uh, he's upstairs asleep. I think my
film sent him into a catatonic state.

And I don't mean Arizona.

Look, Gregory, did you and your
father stay and watch Mark's film?

Uh-huh.

Oh, no.

I feel so terrible. I really
wanted to apologize to him.

Oh, for calling him
a pompous jackass?

Yeah. He was paged a couple of
times so I'm not sure if he saw that part.

But, uh, I enjoyed it.

I'm sorry I'm late. It's okay.

Dr. Hanover isn't
here yet anyway.

Well, he's a very busy man.

Maybe we should just whip
through my thesis without him.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What are you writing?
Never mind. Ah.

Here's Dr. Hanover now.

Hello, Jill.

Well, speaking for the
committee, we feel that

your thesis is
basically quite solid.

Oh, good.

But we felt there were a few
things that were just a hair off.

A hair off?

Dr. Miller, would
you like to elaborate?

Well, I...

Was it the conclusion?
Was it too thin?

(JILL STAMMERING)

Sparse? I mean, shallow?

I wasn't ready to talk
about the conclusion just yet.

Oh, sorry, I jumped
ahead... I mean forward.

Uh...

On page , you say that feminism
has complicated the traditional

psychological dynamic
between fathers and sons.

Can you elaborate on that?

Yes, I can. Um, as
I stated on page ,

"Fathers have to teach their sons
that women and men are equal,

"even though they may not
have been raised with that belief."

Point well taken.

Thank you,
Dr. Comb-over... Hanover!

Now, do you think you've
thoroughly addressed how

the relationship has changed
between mothers and sons?

Well, the thesis is called

"The Father-Son Dynamic
in the Post-Feminist Era."

I know what the thesis is
called. I came up with the title.

Wonderful title. Yeah.

Now, is it possible that you've
treated the mother-son relationship

in a rather superficial way?

Superficial?

No. I think that I fully
addressed that in pages to .

Well, I thought it was more
fully addressed in the first draft.

You shaved off a
little bit too much.

Jill, you've made some
pretty provocative statements.

The question is, can
you defend them?

Well, I don't know. I...

Well, if you don't know, how
are we supposed to know?

How did you like the typeface?

Helvetica point?

Excellent choice. I liked it.

Yeah. That's good.

(COUGHING)

Perfect. How was your day?

Imagine having your
head squeezed in a vice.

I don't have to imagine.

How was Dr. Hanover?

Obviously, he saw Mark's film.

He raked my thesis
over the coals.

Now I have to do a
whole rewrite by Friday.

Honey, the man
is a professional.

I can't believe he'd let a few personal
remarks get in the way of his job.

Well, if he wasn't attacking
me because of the insults,

he was attacking me
because he hated my work.

There you go now. Feel better?

Here you go.

Oh, thanks. You know, this
part just doesn't seem right there.

"When the mother tries to
instill feminist ideology in her son,

"and the father presents a
counter philosophy/ethos,

"it can cause confusion
in the adolescent male."

Hmm, sounds good to me.

You understand that?

No. But I'm a confused
adolescent male.

(TWITTERING)

Wilson?

Come to me, my lovely
little creature of the night.

What? Are you drunk?

Oh. No, no, no, no, Jill.

I was talking to the Chiroptera
which I'm trying to attract with

the sounds on
this tape recorder.

What's that?

Uh, it's a small device
for recording tapes.

No. I mean the other thing.

Oh, the Chiroptera.
Well, that's a bat.

I saw one swooping around here.

I'm trying to get her
to nest in my eaves.

I was just wondering what
you thought of my thesis.

Oh, yes. The thesis, yes.

Well, that was a very
interesting rewrite.

I thought your use of comparative
symbolism had a certain

textural resonance
that really, uh...

You think it blows.

Like a Nor'easter.

(SIGHS)

You know, to tell
you the truth, Jill,

I actually preferred
the original version.

So did I.

But Dr. Hanover
hated it, you know?

And I have to make these changes
whether I believe in them or not.

You know, your situation
reminds me of Walking Naked.

Good night, Wilson.

No, no, no, no, no, no, Jill.

Walking Naked is a
play I wrote in college.

It's a saga of an Aztec warrior
who finds himself in New Jersey.

Oh. Primitive man
adapts to modern society...

No, no, no, no, no. It's about a
guy who loses his clothes in Newark.

And funny stuff happens to him.

So, now, wait. What does
this have to do with my thesis?

Well, my drama department
wanted me to rewrite my play.

But I was very passionate
about Walking Naked.

So, you refused to
make any of the changes?

No, no, no, no.
Quite the opposite.

I caved in, rewrote
the whole play.

It was a big success.

(SNIFFS) Uh-uh. You
must've been thrilled!

No, I felt terrible because I
compromised the integrity of the play.

So, you think that I should just
stick to what I wrote originally?

You know, Jill, your name is
gonna be on that thesis forever.

Shouldn't it represent something
that you truly believe in?

Yes, it should.

You've given me a lot to
think about. Thank you, Wilson.

You're always so sensible.

(LAUGHING) Well, my pleasure.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have an old brown bat to seduce.

Dr. Hanover?

Oh, Jill, come on in.

I've, uh, finished
all my revisions.

I look forward to reading it.

Dr. Hanover, I've tried to
incorporate all of your notes.

But, frankly, I just couldn't
make some of them work.

Pity.

May I?

Oh, please. Yes.

Look, uh, I don't mean
to be disrespectful.

I could only write this in a
way that makes sense to me.

And I think you might have
been overly critical of my work.

Why?

Because you called me a pompous
jackass with a bad comb-over?

I am so, so sorry.

Me, too.

When my wife heard what you said,
she came after me with an Epilady.

(GASPS)

Yeah, I understand now why
you were so tough on my work.

Jill, I wasn't tough on you because
of the personal remarks you made.

So, you really
didn't like my thesis.

No, no. I thought
it was quite good.

Uh, but during your oral exam,

it's my job to challenge you,
and your job to defend your work.

And I didn't exactly rise
to that challenge, did I?

Well, I suspect your defense would
have been better if you weren't so

flustered by the situation.

Definitely. When you came in here
with your head shaved, I was completely...

Wigged out?

Good one!

Just wait till you get
out in private practice

and you have to deal with
what's inside people's heads.

If I can't deal with
male pattern baldness,

what am I gonna do when I get
people who think they're Elvis?

I always make them a fried
peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich.

Jill, you're gonna be
a fine psychologist.

And I'm sure, in time, you'll learn
not to be thrown by the unexpected.

Thank you, Dr. Hanover. And,
uh, when you've read my revisions,

I'll be ready to defend them.

Oh, Jill, before you go, can I get your
professional opinion on something?

Oh, certainly. Yes.

What do you think of this?

You can wear it, but
can you defend it?

Touche.

Honey, that's great
news. It really is.

I'll see you at home. Love you.

Well, good news.

Your dad, the
pompous Dr. Hanover,

loved your mom's thesis.

Really? Cool.

Yeah, sure. It's cool for her.

When's the last time I
ever got a compliment?

People mock me
day in and day out.

They call me a mama's boy.
What kind of future do I have?

I don't know.

How good do you look in flannel?

Which one of you women
wants to arm-wrestle? Come on.

I can take you.
Excuse me. Hey there.

Okay, I'll see you
at home. I love you.

Great news. Your dad, the, uh...