08x24 - Dead Weight

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Home Improvement". Aired: September 17, 1991 - May 25, 1999.*
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Tim the "toolman" and his wife Jill raise 3 children with the wise neighbor Wilson.
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08x24 - Dead Weight

Post by bunniefuu »

Hello. And a big Binford welcome
back to Binford's Tool Time.

You may have noticed a
little change in the set here.

Well, Binford has to put its
name on practically everything.

Well, today we're going to
show you how the experts work

with the world's hardest
stone, a diamond.

That's right. In case
you just joined us,

all the way from South
Africa, we have a guest,

expert diamond-cutter... Hi.

Dirk Brodsky. Hi.

Dirk comes from a long
line of diamond-cutters.

Oh, yeah. That's right. In fact,

I've brought some diamonds
cut by my great-grandfather.

We're looking forward to
seeing your family jewels.

Humor is such a
tricky thing, isn't it?

All right, well, why
don't we show you

how diamonds are honed
using these machines?

All right. We'll start off with
this little saw. What is this for?

Uh, this is a rotary
diamond saw.

We cut away the unusable
part of our rough diamond

and it gives us
perfect cleavage.

And we all know how
important perfect cleavage is.

Very tricky.

Over here, this is
the brooding machine.

Brooding. Does it come
with a self-pity attachment?

No.

Now, with this machine we shape
the outermost edge of the diamond

which is known as the girdle.
Now, it's critical to keep your diamond

at a correct angle in
order to avoid girdle stress.

Something Al's mom
knows a lot about.

Persistence. Now, over
here, this is the polisher.

Um, Lou here is shaping and
polishing the facets of the diamond

using this spinning wheel.

All right. How long does
the whole process take?

With jokes like yours,
it could take years.

But usually about
three days. Um...

Lou? Thanks very
much. Once he's dipped it

in the hydrochloric-acid bath,

it'll end up looking
something like this.

A beautiful stone,
perfectly flawless

and needless to say, priceless.

Let's take a look at that thing.

(WHISTLES) Yes, well...

Beautiful, isn't it? Yeah.

Look at that, folks. It's got a little
burr on there. Why don't I just...

What? ...take that
right off the side?

No!

Lovely setting.

Thank you.

Hi, sexy. Great show.

Thank you.

Hi! Are we still on for
hibachi night at your place?

You betcha! I picked up the
hamburger meat. You just bring the buns.

(EXCLAIMS)

Come on. Let me
walk you to your car.

Okay. See you, guys.

TRUDY: Bye.

Good afternoon, Tim.

Bud, we're gonna have to talk about
these changes you're making on the show.

Hey, Tool Man! Beautiful
show. Loving it. Loving you.

Well, why don't you
love me from over there?

And tell me who
the hell you are.

Tim, this is the man I've chosen
to, uh, supervise Tool Time,

Binford's new VP of Media
Production, Morgan Wandell.

And you don't have to call me
Mr. Wandell. You call me Morgan.

Or I may go with something else.

Well, I have an extensive background
in entertainment and reality television.

I'm particularly proud
of my last special.

Topless Cops on
Ice.
Oh, that was...

And we feel that the
stuff you do on Tool Time

could be in that same league.

Really? Uh-huh.

See, Morgan feels all your show
needs is expl*si*n consistency.

What? He wants you
to blow up more stuff.

Right.

Whether it's an
accident or, uh, not.

No, no. No. I'm not gonna
stage explosions on Tool Time.

I'm proud of the fact all
the accidents on this show

are a result of my
legitimately stupid mistakes.

What are you working on?

Oh, it's just an application

for a counseling
job in Dearborn.

I might go for the PhD. But I
want to keep my options open.

Yeah, that's a good idea. I
mean, the last thing you want to do

is narrow yourself down
in your golden years.

I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear that.

And yet very soon you
won't have to pretend.

Hi, guys. MARK: What's up, Dad?

JILL: Hi.

Horrible day today.

Really? What happened?

Get this. Bud's handed Tool Time
over to some hotshot young producer

who wants me to
stage explosions.

He wants more
danger on Tool Time.

More danger?

You already have higher insurance
rates than the Knievel family.

Morgan Wandell. The guy's
been on the set... What?

One day. And
everybody's miserable.

Everybody is miserable.

Hey, guys! I am
walking on sunshine!

I guess he's
crying on the inside.

Crying? I am flying! I have
decided the time is right

to ask Trudy for her
hand in marriage.

Get out! Hey! Congratulations.
Oh, my God! That's so great!

Yeah.

That's right. After I walked
Trudy to her car, I ran into Dirk.

And he sold me
one of his diamonds.

(GASPS) Ooh!

Al, this is so beautiful.

Yes, it is! I really
love the cleavage.

Oh. Well, thank you.
But, gosh! It's so pretty.

Everything will become official after
this wonderful dinner I have arranged.

TIM: Ooh. Oh,
that's so romantic.

Trudy's going to love that.

Actually, Trudy won't be there.

I'm taking Mother out to dinner
to break the news to her first.

Oh, well, that's a way to go.

And let me guess

where you're taking her. Sven's
All-You-Can-Eat Smorgasbord.

No. As luck would have it...

You know they went bankrupt
shortly after our last visit?

You know, I do remember seeing

a white flag in
their window, yeah.

Yeah. So, I'm taking her to
Sorrentino's, Saturday night.

We're gonna be
there Saturday night.

Really? Yeah.

Hey, I got it. After you tell your
mom, let me know. We'll come over

and get a little bottle of champagne
and we'll celebrate with you.

Oh, that would be great.
I could use the support.

I'm very nervous about
how she's going to react.

Oh, don't worry.
It's gonna be fine.

I hope so. I can't believe
I'm gonna pop the question!

Ah, it's a big day in a
man's life. It really is.

It sure is. Yeah.

Do you remember when
you asked your mother

for permission to get married?

I wonder if Al and
his mom are here yet.

I'm guessing yes.

Hey, Al. Hi, Alma.

Good evening.

Antonio. What are you doing
here? I thought you were working

at that French restaurant.

I was traded for a chef

and a waiter to be named later.

I am so happy to see you.

Really?

No. I'm practicing false sincerity so
the Borland party will give me a big tip.

Well, we're gonna
need a few minutes here.

Just some bread
and water to start.

How tantalizing!

My God! Is that Gwyneth Paltrow?

No, Antonio! That's
still my mother.

I've never seen him so nervous.

Not since we did
our salute to propane.

Ooh. I think he's
gonna tell her now.

I see the ring coming out.

Mother, I have some great news.

I've decided to
make Trudy my bride.

(WOMAN GROANING)

(THUDDING)

AL: Oh, my God!

(AL STAMMERING)

Somebody call a paramedic!

I'm so sorry, Al.

So am I.

I can't believe I
k*lled my mother!

(GRUNTS)

This was a terrible tragedy.
But you had nothing to do with it.

Well, she d*ed because she was
distraught over my getting married.

No! You don't know that.

It could've been all the
excitement at dinner.

Look, let's be honest. Your mother
was not in the best physical condition.

The doctor said that she was a
prime candidate for a heart att*ck.

And I pushed her
over the edge. No.

You're being way too hard on
yourself, Al. This is not your fault.

And think of it this way. Your mom
went the way she would want to go.

She was dining
in a fine restaurant.

Surrounded by her
favorite side dishes.

And now she's at that
big buffet in the sky.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

I just can't believe she's gone.

No more do-si-doing
at the seniors' center.

No more harmonizing with Don Ho.

Oh, honey.

Come on, buddy.

You'll get through this.

We'll be there for you, buddy.

I'm so glad you decided
to stay with us tonight.

Would you like me to
make you a nice cup of tea?

Yes, I would. Okay.

I can grill up some bratwurst.

That would be nice.

And about work,
Al, you can take off

all the time you
need. Okay, buddy?

And if you need any help
with the arrangements,

we'll be glad to pitch in.

Oh, thank you.

Gosh, there are so many details!

I have to notify the
rest of the family.

I have to find a minister.

Oh, gosh! I have to
buy Mother a burial plot.

That could get pricey.

Thanks for filling
in for Al, Heidi.

Oh, sure. Anything to help.

But, you know, I'm a little nervous.
You and Al work so well off each other.

Oh, come on. You're
gonna do just fine.

Hey, tell you what.
Do you have any quirks

or physical abnormalities
I can make fun of?

Uh...

Yeah. I twitch
when I get nervous.

Your eye or something?

Not exactly.

I don't know if I
can work with that.

Hi, guys. Hey.

Al, I thought you were
taking some time off.

Well, I thought it would be good

to keep my mind busy
with work right now.

That's a good idea. God,
this must be so hard for you!

I've gotta get ready
for my new intro. Okay?

Hi, Trudy. Hi.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to make
sure you were okay.

I haven't seen or heard from
you since your mother d*ed.

Well, I've been taking
care of business.

You know, a lot
of things going on.

I figured that.

Lookit, I made you
a shepherd's pie.

Just the way you like
it, with double meat.

Thanks.

I'll leave you guys alone.

No, no. That's all right.

We really gotta get
ready for the show.

Okay. I guess I'll see you soon.

Thanks.

Bye, Trudy.

It's pretty nice of her to
come down here and bake you

a shepherd's pie
with double meat.

To be honest, I just wish
she'd kind of back off!

What are you talking about? A couple
days ago you wanted to propose to her.

Well, that was two days ago.

What's happened?

Two days ago my
whole life changed!

Oh, come on, Al. I know
you feel like that now.

But you and Trudy
still love each other

and everything else is the same.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Let's get ready to repair!

Oh, my God!

It looks like somebody
hand-polished a barn.

Well, that's an example of
something that you shouldn't say.


I'm glad you cleared
that up. Yeah.

Guys, take a seat. Let's
go pay our respects to Al.

Wow! Heidi seems really upset.

I think I should go comfort her.

Oh, thank you, guys, for coming.

You remember my brother Cal.

Cal, sorry about
your mom. Thank you.

Hi, Cal. How are you?

I'm trying to be strong.

Well, you don't have to be. I
mean, a funeral is for grieving.

You're right.

I wish I was in
the casket with her.

You're a therapist, right?

Hi, Al.

Uh, hi, Trudy.

It's quite a turnout. Your mother
was obviously loved by a lot of people.

(SIGHS)

Thanks. Uh, boy, I really
need to say hi to Aunt Martha.

I don't know what to do.

I want to support Al.

But he keeps pushing me away.

Well, uh, maybe he
just needs some space.

Maybe.

I should go pay my respects.

What's going on?

It's pretty obvious.

Al associates Trudy
with his mom's death

so he's pushing her away
emotionally and physically.

Wow!

How'd you come up with that one?

Al told me. Oh.

Hey, guys. Hey, Benny.

Oh, hey, Benny.

What a solemn occasion. I know.

Jujube?

Benny, don't you think
it's a little inappropriate

to be passing out
snacks at a funeral?

You're right. I'm a bad boy.

You know, honey, you are
ruining this funeral for everybody.

I'm glad Al got
you to officiate.

Well, it's my honor
to do it, neighbor.

Of course I haven't done a funeral
since my last ceremony in Pago Pago.

Tim, if you'll excuse me,

I have to make a few
adjustments on this service.

Substitute "Heavenly
Father" for "Lizard King."

I was just thinking about my mother,
all the great times we used to have.

When I was a kid, she
used to take us to the park.

We'd fly kites, she'd
push us on the swing.

We'd spend hours
on the teeter-totter.

I used to love
the teeter-totter.

Up and down. Up and down.

Down?

Well, they play it differently
in different parts of the country.

I just, uh, can't
believe she's gone.

I'm so alone.

You're not alone.
You're not alone.

You got me, buddy.

I know. You got your
friends, your family,

you know? And Trudy,
who really, really loves you.

And I really love her. But I...

I don't think my mother really
wanted me to marry Trudy.

Did she say that?

No. But I think actions
speak louder than words!

Al, I don't think that's what
she meant. You can't re-live...

WILSON: If everybody
would take their seats,

the service is about to begin.

Let's talk about
this later, okay?

WILSON: Ladies and
gentlemen, we are here

to celebrate the
life of Alma Borland.

A warm, loving woman who
raised two exceptional sons,

Cal and Al.

Her youngest, Al, would
now like to say a few words.

My mother was a great lady.

I'm sorry!

Cal, would you
like to say anything?

I did... Until I talked to Jill.

Would anyone else like to
say a few words to honor Alma?

I'd like to say something.

Uh...

This is hard for me because
as most of you know,

I've spent a lot of years
making fun of Alma on Tool Time.

But what you probably
don't know is that she was...

And there's no delicate way to
say this, but she was a huge fan.

She had a great sense of
humor and a great spirit about her.

Everywhere Alma went,
she left a big impression.

That was her favorite joke.

I owe a lot to that woman.

Without her, I would
never have had the privilege

of knowing my good friend Al.

And I know, Al, that your
mom would want you to share

the love that she gave
you with someone you love.

(GRUNTS)

I didn't mean me.

Thanks, Tim.

My mother was a great
woman. She was my friend,

my supporter,

my teacher. And Tim's right.

She said that there's
nothing greater

than sharing your
love with someone else.

And, well, there was something
I was going to do the other night.

And I don't think there's
any reason for putting it off.

Trudy, will you marry me?

Perhaps I've put
you on the spot?

Of course I'll marry you, Al.

Al and Trudy, this is
indeed a joyous occasion.

Now, let us proceed
to the grave site.

Will the following pallbearers
please take their places?

Al, Cal,

Tim, Brad, Mark,

Marty, Benny,

Patrick, Colin, Francis, Chris,

William, Brian, Jake,

Carson, Ted, Alonzo...

Hi, honey.

Hi. How did the Tool Time
at the granite quarry go?

It was great!

That new executive,
Morgan, didn't drive you nuts?

No, no, no, no. Before we left I had
Heidi make up a special map for him.

He's halfway to
Amish country by now.

But Al did ask us
for a special favor.

Well, sure. Anything.

He wants to have the
wedding in our backyard.

What? Why would
he want to do that?

They want someplace
that's intimate.

And they're comfortable with it.

And Trudy's house, that's
where she had her first wedding,

there's bad memories
there. Oh. Oh.

Well, why don't they
have it in Al's backyard?

Because the landlord keeps a
whole bunch of car parts back there.

You're the landlord.

Do you want me to
bring that crap back here?

We have a beautiful
house for a wedding.

Hello. And a big Binford welcome
back to Binford's Tool Time.

You might notice there's a
few changes here in the set.

Binford's puts its name...

(STAMMERING)

Dirk comes from a long
line of diamond cutters.

Oh, that's right. Yeah.

In fact, I brought some diamonds
cut by my great-grandfather.

Great. Maybe next we can
show the family, show the baby...
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