01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

It's your bet.
I know it's my bet.

Then bet. Why you
always takin' long?

f*ck this! I'm out.

Hey!
- Oluwande: What're you doin'?!

I didn't sign up to play cards.

Weeks we've been out here
with nothing to show for it.

I should have... 20
kills by now, at least.

Yeah, maybe Captain's tryin'
a new kind of slow pirating.

On your
feet for your captain!

What we're about to
do will be perilous!

Very perilous!

Some of us won't be coming back.

Others may be wounded.

Still others may come back
looking totally fine...

but in reality,

be mentally devastated by
what they've witnessed.

So... if that's the
case, what'll we do?

Anyone?

C'mon!

Something I've
always encouraged.

- Um, bottle it up?
- Captain Stede Bonnet: No, Frenchie!

- No, that's the worst thing you could do.
- No? Sorry.

Other suggestions?

- Yes.
- We talk about it.

Exactly. 'Member the rhyme?

"If someone returns from the
raid mentally devastated,

"we talk it through as a...

Crew.
- Captain Stede: crew."

Because that's what we
do here on "The Revenge."

Approachin'
the vessel, Cap'n!

Right! This is it!
Places everyone!

Look scary!

Ahoy!

Surrender! You have
no chance of escape!

Yeah,
that was a warning sh*t.

Now, prepare to
be boarded, curs!

All right. No, just
lift your leg up, Captain.

There you go.

Raid commenced!

Ooh, ahh!

Ooh, gosh!

Is it meant to be this shaky?!

Can you two down there
just hold the bottom?

Keep it straight, if you can.

Ahh!

Thank you.

My name's Stede.

I'll be your robber here today.

- Oh!

Fish, okay, ah!

What's back here?

We're
just fishermen!

A-ha! What's this?!

Some men are
born to be pirate captains.

Others learn on the job.

Watch my buttons!

Me? Well, I'm a pretty
solid mix of both.

Yes!

Tell them what
happened here today!

Take care of the plant.
- Adios!

Good luck with your fishing!

Really fills the
space, doesn't it?

Yeah... it's fine.

Now, where was I?

Um... being a pirate captain.

Ah, yes. Now, every
pirate captain

captains pirates differently.

Traditionally, piracy
is a culture of abuse...

Floggings, keelhaulings.

And my thought is, "Why?"

And also, what if it
weren't like that?

For example, if your average pirate
doesn't steal, he doesn't eat.

That's a lot of mental pressure.

So... I pay my crew a salary.

Same wage every
week, no matter what.

Course, it took them a while
to come 'round to the idea,

but I've included some amenities on
the ship that I think will please them.

Rec center.

Out!
What is this f*ckin' game?! f*ck!

State-of-the-art en suite.

- Non-humans.

The ballroom.

- Jam room.

And, of course, a full library.

The crew is free to
borrow books whenever.

So far, you're the only
one to take me up on it.

Well, I'm the only crew
member who can read.

That's not... Is that true?

Ooh.

All right, come on.

Here it is. The
spoils of battle!

Woo-hoo.

- Congratulations on today's raid.
- Big wow.

I do have some notes, though.

Uh, opening speech went
well. Very inspiring.

Uh, oh, yes, I
guess the big note

is more energy!

We're swashbuckling,
we're looting.

- Let's have fun with it.
- Stealing a plant is hardly swashbuckling.

- - A feckin'
disgrace, is what it is.

What was that?

Who said that?

- Wee John, was that you?
- And what it if were?

Well, I'd...

I'd simply ask you to,
uh, reframe that criticism

as a suggestion.

What's one thing you'd change
around here if you could?

Well, we don't even
have a flag, for one.

Yeah.
- Oh.

Any pirate worth
a damn has a flag.

- Mm.
That's true.

The Swede: That's
right. They have flags.

Oy! Now, each of you
will create a flag.

And we'll vote for the best one,

and that will be the official
flag for "The Revenge."

I'm not f*ckin' sewing.

- That's women's work.
- Oh, Black Pete, come on now.

You know that's not true.

How many of you sew?

- Be honest.
- Sewed my shoulder up once...

- after I'd been stabbed.

Captain Stede: Oh! Did
you hear that, guys?

Roach sewed his own arm up!

Sounds to me like sewing
can be pretty tough.

So, grab a piece of
fabric and have at it!

Express yourselves.

- Oh, that's very good.
- Oluwande: Oh, thank you.

What is it?
- It's like a flag extender...

- Right.
- So it flaps.

-Oh, it'll blow in the wind?
Interesting, okay.
-Yeah.

- Do you like mine?
That's such beautiful material.

Well,
don't you look holy.

Oh, thank you. I used to
make dresses with my mother.

And now, you're a pirate.

A lot of the guys are
sweethearts deep down.

Hoy, hoy! Hey, hey,
hey, hey! Break it up!

Swede, get off of him!

They're just dealing with
a fair amount of trauma.

So, first of all,
you should've asked,

and, second of all...

what could you do with
your large bit of fabric?

Talk about it?

-No, shared! You could've shared it.
-Oh.

Captain Stede: Creative projects give
them a chance to work through it.

And maybe even share a bit
of what's going on inside.

Well, guess it's time.

- For what?
- To k*ll Captain.

Hey, come on, mate. I'm gonna
have to sew that up now.

Sorry... sorry.

If I can help this crew grow,

as people,

then I've succeeded in
being a pirate captain.

A word, Cap'n?

Oh, yes, Mr. Buttons.

What's on your mind?
Everything good?

Everythin' is not good.

Mutiny is a-brewin'.

Mutiny?

Really?
Been on many a ship 'n the nose never lies.

- Stop writing!
- Stop...

I mean it!

- Lucius!
- Sorry, I'm confused.

You said to record
everything, warts and all,

- so that's what I'm doin'.
- Well, not this!

Just go for a walk.

You think Blackbeard's
crew sews? No.

We were too busy k*lling.

Or, or drinking.

And when we weren't
k*lling or drinking,

we were plotting or scheming,

or... or just, generally,
being badasses.

You never sailed
with Blackbeard.

Hey, could you pass the
black thread, pretty please?

Cheers, me dears.

Roach: What is that? A, a cat?

The flag's supposed to be scary.

Yeah, cats are terrifying.
Everyone knows that.

'Cause they're witches.

And they've got
knives in their feet.

Can we
forget about the flags

for a second, and
focus on the mutiny?

Mutiny or no, we're gonna need
a scary flag aren't we, so...

Look, the point is...
we should be pillaging!

Mm-hm.
The current management's gotta go.

Who's with me?

If we can light him
on fire... I'm in.

That's one. Who else?

Hey, guys, so, um...
Buttons told him.

- Goddammit!

Um, I'm still in, by the way.

Mutiny?

Really? I... I
can't believe it.

Why?

I wouldn't take it personal.

It's just that
they don't like ye.

- Or the way that ye do things.
- Hmm.

I'm supportive, caring.

- Responsive to their needs.
- Buttons: See, that

may be what's contributin' to
the poor overall impression.

What is the overall impression?

That yer weak...
soft-bellied, yella.

- I see.
- Craven, ill-equipped to lead men.

Understood!

Thank you.

What I'm hearing is they
could do with more structure.

- Perhaps, a firmer hand?
- Or an iron fist.

Give 'em somethin' to really
stick their teeth inta.

Make them earn their keep.

Know what I'm sayin'?

I get it.

Toughen up.

Question, who's gonna be
captain if we k*ll Captain?

We vote on it.

And... then it will be me

'cause I'm the most experienced.

- f*cking no, no, no, no, no.

How 'bout Jim? He
looks experienced.

Well, he's a mute, for
one, which seems...

problematic in a leader.

No offense. I
know you're mates.

Oh, no, none taken. It's true.

Besides, Jim's not too keen
on politics anyway, so.

Captain Stede: Ooh, how
'bout that one? Is that big?

Aye, hard to say for certain,

but... I expect
she's our beauty.

Good, all right. Should
we go for that one?

It's the only one
I can really see.

Let's do it.

What about you,
Oluwande? In or out?

Well, I don't really have
a problem with the Captain.

He reads us stories at night.

That's one nice thing about him.

If we k*ll him, we'll
never know what happens

to the wooden doll who
wants to become a real boy.

Aww.
None of us can read.

Lucius reads.

But can he do the voices?

- Captain does the voices.
- Roach: Talk like a wooden boy.

- Do the, uh, the boy voice.
- Oh, no, that's okay.

- Do the wooden boy voice.
- Do the wooden boy voice!

: Oh, hello.
I'm a little wooden boy,

and me, me legs are sticks.

Christ, that was awful.

- He's not the captain.
- Terrible...

Avast ye!

Now, listen up!

I gather some of you feel as
though we're not real pirates.

Well, here's the deal, buckos.

We have our eyes on
a ship. A big one.

That's right. A whopper.

And we're goin' to catch
up with it forthwith,

and kick its ass.

So, any questions?

Is it really a big
ship this time?

- Yes, I just said it was...
- I'm not asking you, I'm asking him.

Oh.

She is quite impressive, aye.

But can we light it on fire?

I'd be disappointed
if we didn't.

- Yes!

Well, I think that worked well.

Aye, they do seem less
inclined to m*rder ye, Captain.

Uh, Mr. Buttons...

You don't think it'll actually
get that bloody, do you?

Well, it's hard to tell.
Raids are like snowflakes.

No two quite alike?

Well, no, they almost always
end in terrible bloodshed.

Snowflake might not be
the best comparison.

- What's that?
- Me fangs.

Case I have to chew through
some poor fucker's throat.

- God!
- I'm gettin' too old fer the hand-to-hand v*olence.

Open your eyes, child.

This is what a man's
work looks like.

Come! Come with me. Come on!

One day, all this will be yours.

Not 'cause you deserve it

or 'cause you've earned it...

Lord knows you
haven't done that.

Because you lucked into it.

What do you suppose
that makes you?

Fortunate?

Fortunate?

Oh, no.

A weak-hearted...

soft-handed...

lily-livered little rich boy.

That's all you'll
ever be, Stede Bonnet!

That's
all I'll ever be.

All I'll ever be.

- Yeah, yes?

Oh, uh, hey, Buttons sent us to
check in... Is everything all right?

Like, you're in your pajamas.

No, no. This is
my battle jacket.

Yeah, I find the, uh, the feel
of silk very invigorating.

All right, well,
we'll leave you to it then.

- Yeah?
Hey! No, come in.

Come in... Please, come in.

I was just gonna say, uh,
it's actually been a minute

since I've, uh, done
the old hand-to-hand.

- Don't suppose you could give me a refresher?
- Refresher?

Well, Jim's seen
the most combat,

- so is there anything in particular, or you...
- Oh!

Just the basics should do it.

Oh, that's a
k*ll. There's a k*ll.

Another k*ll. Oh,
there's your balls gone,

- and k*ll.
- Captain Stede: Right, that's...

It's so permanent, isn't it?

- Oluwande: Mm.
- A lot of those, which I, I like them,

but is there something,
perhaps, less so?

Like, a stun move?

I mean, I suppose
if you kind of...

Yeah, just, if you kind of
hit someone at the back there,

- you'd knock 'em out.
- Ah.

That, that is a relief.

And does it have to be a
sword, or can you use...

No, anything heavy should do it.

- Listen, Captain, you know, if I may...

You may. Come on.

Have a seat... Please.

- All right, well.
- This is nice.

- Look, Captain...
- Mm.

You know, piratin'
is not for everyone.

- Oh, no, yeah.
- It's a really dangerous lifestyle.

Yeah, some of us thrive
on danger, don't we?

-Yeah... Yeah, but look,
-Captain Stede: Yeah.

Me and Jim, we don't do
this because we like it.

We do it because... we
don't have any other choice.

Oh, I hear that. I mean, here we
are just the whole band of us.

k*lling and...

having to k*ll.

I mean, that's having,
having to k*ll.

Oh god.

I've made a mistake.

I'm not a pirate.

I'm an idiot.

Oh god!

- Oh no!

What the hell was that?!

It's a warnin' sh*t, Captain!

Finally caught what
we've been chasin'.

Why is that ship so big?

She's an English Naval
warship, turns out.

Ten times as many men,
10 times as many g*ns.

Have you been cryin'?

What?! No... no.

- Ahh!

Don't panic!

Officer Wellington:
They're still not moving.

Permission to blow
them to hell, Captain?

I suppose so, yes.

And we're quite certain
they're pirates?

Hard to say.

One appears to be a heavyset
woman in a silk dressing gown.

Eye.

Office Wellington: You can
see her there, cowering.

Captain Badminton:
What the devil?

Stede?

They're sendin' over
a tender, Captain.

What?! A tender!
Everybody hide!

I say, does one of you
happen to be Stede Bonnet?

What you lookin' at? Get up!

We know you're there.
- Get up!

Officer Wellington:
We saw you.

Oh... yes. I'm he. Hi.

Captain Badminton of His Majesty's
Royal Navy sends his regards.

Captain Badminton?

- Nigel Badminton?
- Officer Hornberry: One and the same.

He's dreadfully sorry
about the cannon fire.

- Oh.
- He'd like to come aboard and apologize in person.

Over tea.

Not necessary.

Officer Wellington:
I'm afraid he insists.

Does he?

Hey! No!
- Uh, well, in that case...

No! No, no.

That'll be lovely, yes.

Just give us a
smidge to tidy up.

We went to boarding
school together.

We haven't seen each
other since I was 15.

- There's too many buttons.
Okay, you are Lord Peter Gravelston,

minor royalty from Essex, and
you love horse riding. Next!

I'm terribly sorry for
f*ring on you earlier, Stede.

Captain Stede: Mm,
ancient history.

We easily could've
done the same thing.

Exactly. I
mean, thank God you didn't,

otherwise, you'd all
be dead by now, but...

You're a wonderful sport.

So...

tell me about your
colorful crew.

What
is there to tell?

Just a bunch of upper-crust lads

trying our hand at
the seafaring life.

- Right, boys?

- More tea, sir?
- Uch, no.

Tastes like... dishwater.

I'm not surprised.

It's clearly been
made by savages.

We
were rowdy school chums.

Always playing
pranks on one another.

Hmm? Do you remember the
day with the rowboat?

- The rowboat?
Oh, come on now.

- No, I can't.
- The rowboat.

It was hysterical!

Look! It's Baby
Bonnet!

Get him!

- Bonnet!

Oh!

Row, Baby Bonnet! Row!

Oh, it was all in
good fun, of course.

An initiation of sorts.

Yes, funny, I don't recall
it happening to anyone else.

Oh, and there
was the time with the horse!

When we made you French kiss
the horse. Do you remember?

Right,
well, this has been quite a blast,

but I'm sure you're busy
with all your things,

the King, and the
Navy, and all that.

Not really, no. It's
terribly boring being at sea.

I mean, how many pirate crews

can one obliterate before
it becomes a bit of a chore?

- - Well,
this has been fun and all, but, uh...

- we're actually on a bit of a tight schedule, aren't we?
- Ah, Stede...

a darling little
ship you've got.

It's so...

efficient and...

tiny. I'd love
to see the rest of it.

Would you like a tour?

Yes, I would! Wonderful.

We really should
be getting back...

Oh, keep your pants
on, Wellington.

We'll be back on our smelly
old ship soon enough.

No, really. Smells of ass and
runny cheese on that thing.

Oh, I bet it does.

Good God.

Quite something, isn't it?

It is absolutely ridiculous.

I mean, who brings
an entire library to sea?

Baby Bonnet, that's who.

Oh, it's so perfectly
you. It's so impractical.

I mean, what if there's a storm?

Don't all the books fall out?

We've managed so far.

To think of the ridiculous
rumor going around about you.

- Oh?

What's that rumor?

It's so silly, so outlandish.

Go on.

The rumor is...

that you left your
wife and children...

- Ah.
- upended your entire comfortable life...

Which is your favorite
of all the horses?

Halifax. Very pretty
and very fast.

- Yes, he's wonderful.
- I like Arthur.

He has kind eyes.

And which is your favorite pig?

To become... a pirate.

Oh...

I mean... it's true.

No!
- Yeah!

You can't! Oh, Baby
Bonnet, you do tickle me.

Ah... look at this.
Is this a pillowcase?

Officer Wellington:
What on Earth is that?

- Just a, a flag...
- Yeah.

From some pirates we met...

- and k*lled.
- Why's one skull eating the other?

Were they c-cannibals?

Who can say? All I know is...

I wouldn't mess with those guys.

They were super tough. With
a flag like that? Please.

Ah! And this?

- Pirates as well?
- Oh yeah...

Those guys were even tougher.

No, they weren't.
Doesn't even make sense.

He's holding his own head.

- That's terrifying.
- Skulls!

- More skulls!
- Ooh, this one's vomiting buttons onto a skeleton.

- No more buttons.

Ahh!

I'm crying.

- I'm sorry.
- It's not that ridiculous.

Oh,
it is. Oh, it is.

Baby Bonnet became a
big, bad pirate.

But you were so fat...
and soft and weak.

- I thought I was slender.
- No, no, no, no.

No, I recall you were a plumper.

And you cried all the time,
and liked to pick flowers.

- : A little bit.
- Officer Hornberry: Get ready.

- Meow.

Truly, you've tangled with
some fearsome outlaws.

Actually, everyone knows cats are very
evil because they steal children's breath.

Enough interruptions, sl*ve!

Your captain may suffer
uppity behavior, but not me!

Oh my god!

f*ck it!

Did you hear that?

Uh, no. I didn't
hear anything.

- We're under att*ck.
- Just wait, it might blow over.

Still a coward. Pathetic.

: Pathetic. Pathetic.
Pathetic. Pathetic...

- Gah!

Ah!

Hello? Excuse me?

You guys, I need a
hand with something...

in my room.

Quickly! Please!

I used the stun move.

Lucius: Yeah, no, he,
he looks pretty stunned.

Oh my god. Oh my god.
It was just an accident.

- This is not happening. No.
- Oluwande: Hey.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- No.

This is happening, okay?
Do you want to live?

- That's a tough question.
- I said, "Do you want to live?"

I think so! Probably!

Well, pull yourself
together then.

Yeah, because everyone
up there wants you dead!

- It's true.
- Now, do you want the respect of your crew?

- That would be nice.
- Then this was no accident. Okay?

You did this intentionally.

- Right.
- On purpose.

On purpose.

Uh... I did this.

- On purpose.
- Stabbed him right in the face.

- Respect.
- You'll never leave here alive, pirate scum!

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
What now, Captain?

Throw 'em overboard?

No.

Get some rope.

All right, come on.

They're, they're
leaving? Where's Captain?

There he is.

Do you know how hard it is to drive
a sword through someone's skull?

It's
always the quiet ones.

I thought that
was fairly badass.

- You got to admit, he pulled it off.
- Pulled what off?

Making us dress up like
a bunch of fancy boys?

Ah, come on. At least we
got some hostages, huh?

It won't hurt to
give him another day.

We can always k*ll
him the day after.

He's a
terrible captain.

We're not exactly the
best crew though, are we?

Besides, as long as he's around,

we're gonna be paid, fed,

and we don't even
have to work too hard.

He'll be dead soon. We might as
well enjoy it while it lasts.

Would you rather be
captained by that?

Exactly.

My family's here, now. At sea.

His
wish had come true.

At long last, he'd
become a real boy.

The wooden puppet looked down at
his legs, his hands, his feet.

Whatever would he tell the woodsman
when he came 'round for breakfast?

Stupid
puppet pulled it off.

Jim?

Some dinner.

- Good thing, I was starving.

"Morning, Mr. Woodsman,"

said the wooden boy,

"Don't panic. I can
explain everything."

Right.

Lights out.

Could
we just have one more?

I
know you love it,

but you've got a big
day tomorrow, okay?

Night-night.