01x03 - A Gentleman Pirate

[bunniefuu]

Captain

we're a few hundred yards
out from "The Revenge."

Nice. Very good.

Love that.

Honestly, I really don't think
this Bonnet is worth your time.

Mmm.

So, he's a fancy man
with a fancy ship,

and he travels with a
brigade of imbeciles.

Do I have that right?

Yes, I suppose you
could put it...

And he bested you at swordplay.

They tricked us. It was an
ambush. Completely unprofessional.

- Hmm.
So, what's the plan, sir?

Do we open fire?

Or would you rather
we just att*ck them,

k*ll them, throw them
out to the sharks, sir?

Wait till they make landfall

then invite 'em aboard the ship.

And, Izzy, I want you to
handle this personally.

- Oh, Edward, can't I just send the boys?
- Mm-mm.

No, I want this done right.

After all, he is a gentleman.

We want to make a
good impression.

Stupid f*ckin' Stede Bonnet.

Blackbeard,
Captain Kidd...

The Gentleman Pirate.

What do those names
conjure for you?

Well, the first two are, like,
very, very talented pirates.

The badger's knackers.

But I have no idea who
the... last bloke is.

Well, the last one is
the scariest of them all.

- Oh yeah? Keep talkin'.
- Yeah, he's a k*ller.

But instead of
k*lling with weapons,

he kills with... kindness.

Oh, right, so you're the
G-Gentleman Pirate, then?

- Well-sussed!
- Yeah.

Polite menace.
That'll be my brand.

Every legendary
pirate needs one.

- You getting all this?
- Yep. Yes, I am.

Um

as I said before, Captain,
I'm not the strongest writer.

- Captain Stede: Hmm.
- Or reader.

Well, there's no
words on there at all.

- No, 'cause I've drawn them.
- Right.

Well, you'll have to do
until we find Lucius.

I just hope he's not dead.

That could be bad,

- for the general vibe around here.
- Yeah.

Oh, actually, uh,

since we're on the
subject of bad vibes,

what is the plan for
the remaining hostage?

- Remaining hostage?
- He's still out there.

- Not lookin' great.
- Oh god, we need a plan.

Mm, 'cause he's kind of
bringin' everyone down,

bit of a pirate pooper.

Dear lord, it smells
like he's been roasting.

The sun did work its wonders.

Well good and savory now, Cap'n.

Some nice crispy bits there.

Yes, well, let's
get him some water,

and maybe hold a jacket
over his head or something.

Generate some shade.

Ah, that's... lovely. Cheers.

Right, well, what should
we do with our hostage?

- Any ideas?
Ooh!

- I know.
- What, you mean other than k*ll him?

Oh, everyone does that.
I think a gentleman rises

above those baser instincts.

Black Pete, did
you have an idea?

Nah, I was just
gonna say k*ll him.

Oh, uh, cut off all his limbs

and turn his back into a table.

No, let's not.
Thank you, though.

- Anyone else?
- We could ransom him back to the English.

- Ooh, good thinking, Roach.
- Ah.

What ya need... is a fence.

I reckon you'll find one

at The Republic of Pirates.

An isle not too far at all,

where the law lies doggo
and plunderers rule.

Well, one can only hope
he's talking to us,

in which case, wow!

Now that sounds like
the place to be, right?

No, it's sh*t.

It's become quite
touristy, I've heard,

and just not as cool
anymore. Right, Jim?

Well, I'll be the judge of that.

It's time for the wider
criminal community

to meet the Gentleman Pirate.

- Oh my god, no.
- Mr. Buttons

set a course for the
Republic of Pirates.

Aye, aye, Cap'n!
Hoist the main brace.

We can't
go back there.

Spanish Jackie has put a
price on your head, remember?

You mean for the thing
with her husband?

The thi... Yes, the thing
where you k*lled him.

Pff. Olu, grow up.

We live in a state of nature.

Besides, she's got,
like, 20 husbands.

Well, 19 now.

Jim... a fake beard
and a wax nose

is not gonna fool Jackie.

- You couldn't even fool Lucius!
- Oh, mm, that's different.

Ese bastardito
caught me unawares.

I'll tell
no one! I swear!

Cállate, hombrecito.

Maybe, in your next life,

you'll be a little
less nosey, huh?

Ow! Jesus.

Can you help me
throw this overboard?

I don't think
that's a good idea,

us being on the
same team and all.

Fine.

Oh god!
Oh god! Thank you!

Oh, you made a wise
decision today,

and I feel really
good about this.

Nope, I can't do
this. Get back in.

-No, no,
no! You can't! You can't!

You don't know what
it's like in there!

Have either of you seen...

Lucius, there you are.

Oh god, why're you so sweaty?

Um, so we have been
exercising together

because we want our
bodies to be smaller.

- Everything's fine.
- Well, I'm not fine.

I've got a journal full of
doodles instead of words.

I'm glad you're making
friends, but tighten up, mate.

Come on. I need your help getting
me dressed for the big day.

All right, it's
a bit gentrified,

but it's still the
Republic of Pirates.

- I remember when this place was gritty.
- What, 10 years ago?

Please, place got lame.
Is that a gift shop?

Republic of Pirates.

Quite the hellish cesspool.

- Come along.
- Sorry, um,

do these outfits maybe feel like

- an error in judgment, or...
It's a power move.

Make people feel underdressed,

and suddenly you're
the one in charge.

No, no, no, no, no! Oh
god, this isn't happening!

Aww, come on! You
couldn't have sidestepped?

- Right, too late. Let's go.

Maybe just take the jacket off.

I've never felt so at home.

Man for sale! Man for sale!

- Healthy, sturdy, obedient man for sale!
- Captain?

- So, we're leaving, right?
- Yeah, and quickly.

Captain Stede: Man for sale!

Listen, I think you might
wanna adjust the pitch

because it's quite unclear
what you're selling.

Look, I might be
new to pirating,

but I know a thing or
two about salesmanship.

After you.

Check out this

fabulous booty I'm hawkin'!

Whoa.

Bonifacia Jimenez,

wanted for m*rder.

I told you Jackie
was still pissed.

Reward, 50
doubloons?! That's it?

- I think you're gettin' the wrong message, Jim.
- But I, I wasted her husband!

- That's worth a thousand doubloons at least!
- Shh! Quit shouting!

Man for
sale! Someone, buy my booty!

- Man for sale!
- Over here.

Oh, here we go.

One piece of silver's me bid.

So, do I get all
three of ye's, er...

No, only one of us is for sale.

Mm, so the other two watch, or?

He thinks you're a prost*tute.

I'm no prost*tute, mate!

Oh.

We could've made magic.

Unbelievable. Do we look
like prostitutes to you?

Well, not terribly
successful ones.

Jim, what're you doin'?
Someone's gonna see you.

- So far, so good.
- Jim...

Oh, hey, guys! Ooh, this
place looks promising.

Maybe we'll find
some buyers in here.

No, no, no, Captain. You d...
You don't wanna go in there.

It's a, it's a sh*thole.

There's a lot of crime,

and, uh, diseases,

and, uh, poorly mixed drinks.

Jim's already gone in.

Jim?! No, no, no, Jim!

Does look a bit scary in there.

I'm gonna need you to hold
it together, and come in.

Well, if it's scary, I'll probably
just head back to the ship...

Ah, Lucius, look at this.

Come. Come here.

You have to sketch
us in front of this.

It's so authentic.

Look tortured.

: Okay,
like we rehearsed.

Hear ye, hear ye!

: Oh f*ck.

Please join me in welcoming
for his regional debut...

The Brigand of Barbados

the
Cream of the Caribbean...

The Gentleman Pirate.

Hi, all. Nice to be here.

I may be landed gentry,

but I'm thrilled to
be granted entry.

Well,
the drinks are on us.

- Oh, come on!

Drinks be on ye now!

Oh... god.

Jim, Jim, this is not
keepin' a low profile.

Oluwande Boodhari, as
I live and breathe.

- Geraldo.
- You have got some world-class, rock-hard

absolutely titanic
balls coming in here.

You know, I actually thought
you'd be dead by now.

I did, too!

Life is funny.
Who's your friend?

Um... This is Jim. Jim...

You don't know Jim
because Jim is a mute.

So, that's my friend.

Naturally, Jackie's
gonna want a word.

Yeah, no, naturally.

- Um... just, uh, just let me know when...
- Now, man!

Not you!

Hey, Jackie.

- Lads.
Have a seat.

- Yep.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Right here.

Hey.

Olu, Olu... Olu.

Where you been?

You been avoiding me?

What? No, no, I...

I actually thought you were

kind of mad at
me, if I'm honest.

Why would Jackie be mad?

Well, I kind of recommended
you hire a waitress

who stabbed your
favorite husband up, so.

Oh yeah, that's
true, that's true.

Bonifacia Jimenez.

The bitch who stole my life.

The bitch who stole my joy.

But it's not like you had
anything to do with it, right?

Like you helped her set it up?

N-No. C... Uh, correct.

I barely even knew
the bitch. Ooh.

But you do know where
she is, though, right?

Seems like I remember both
of you guys leavin' town

- at the same time.
- I k*lled her!

I k*lled her.

Yeah, I didn't, I
didn't like the way she

handled herself.

I thought it were
kind of g-gauche

if I'm honest.

I appreciate that, kid.

It was f*ckin' kinda gauche.

You know, Jackie
got feelings, too.

Jackie is a person also.

What about your sexy
little friend over there?

You gonna invite him over?

Yeah...

I'd love to.

Barkeep!

- What?
- Uh, please bring us a round of your finest wine.

- We're out of wine.
- Well, then what's this all over my boy?

That's blood.

I mean, we serve that.
Do you want blood?

I think we'll go for
something stronger.

Bring us a round of...

Eww

ugh...

Ah, this tasty-looking
stuff. On the double!

It's good, isn't it? Being
amongst proper maniacs.

No amateurs here, Lucius.

Ah.

Mm, it's nutty.

- What do you call this?
- It's juice from the nose jar.

- Hmm?
Jackie's been collecting them for years.

You misbehave...

You end up in here.

- Oh god.

I've a few colleagues in there.

- You again.
Mr. Hands, welcome.

- It's been a while.
Yeah

because I hate
this f*cking place.

But for some
inexplicable reason,

my boss would like a
word with you, Bonnet.

Yes, well, everyone wants a
piece of the Gentleman Pirate.

Get in line.

- I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, Iggy.
- Izzy.

Whatever, I don't care, but
we're busy at the moment,

fencing our remaining hostage.

AKA, the one you
didn't manage to steal.

So, I'll tell my captain that
you're declining then, yeah?

Or tell him he's got
terrible taste in flunkies,

and he can go suck eggs in hell.

: Gladly.

- To my dead hubby! Yes!
- Yes.

Alfeo de la Vaca!

One of the best
that ever done it.

Mmm.

He was a saint.

I keep a altar to
him in the back

with a couple of his mementos.

Minion: Jackie, you are needed.

Business calls.
Don't go anywhere.

Oh, my god.

I bet she's got my
dagger back there.

Okay, look, you've
proven your point.

Now, can we just let this go?

Fine.

Jim, what are you doin'?
What are you do...

J...

I'd maybe give
ya 20 doubloons for the Brit.

Seems a tad low.

We're already expecting
another offer.

From who? The prost*tute bloke?

Ha, ha! No.

The bidding starts
at 50 doubloons.

Take it or shake it.

- 50.
- 51.

- 60.
- 61.

Should we attempt
to lower the temperature, or...

No, no. Don't be scared.
This is a bidding w*r.

Okay, it's
startin' to look like an actual w*r!

Think it through guys, please!

Alfeo de la Vaca.

The man who k*lled my family.

We meet again, pendejo.

Now give me back my dagger.

- Where is it?

I knew you was a thief.

But I loves me a thief.

C'mon, guys.

- I think we should intervene.
- No, you intervene.

Fine, I'll intervene. Don't
k*ll one another, you guys!

Ooh...

You are one sexy thing.

Relax...

You're stiff in all
the wrong places.

Oh sorry!

My noses!

Lucius, can you please
help me pick these up?

No, I'm not gonna
do that, sorry.

- Oh...

f*ck is you supposed to be?

- Hi, I'm Stede.
- He's the Gentleman Pirate.

Well, I got bad news
for you, Genital Pirate.

I'm about to start a
whole new nose jar.

- Uh, baby...
- Don't say that. Don't call me that.

Well, I just figured since
we're married, and...

None of my other husbands
have a problem with it.

- That's mine.
Do not call me that in here.

Okay, well, Izzy
Hands was in here

asking about him for his boss.

Blackbeard?

Muthafuckin' Blackbeard
wanna talk to this guy?

Thank you so much.

Shut up.

You're an idiot...
and you're banished.

Do not darken my doorstep again.

- Lovely.
- Well, I'll just, I'll just squeeze past then.

Thank you so much for having us.

Well, the Gentleman
Pirate bids you all

Ah!

He's not interested in meeting.

What?

I explicitly told him...

Blackbeard desired his company.

But does he know who I am?

Seemed to, yeah.

And still, he said no.

You can "go suck eggs in hell"

was his response, I believe.

Fascinating.

I'm starting to think
you're not the only one

who's not cut out
for this, Lucius.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Anyone could break a nose jar.

Well, see, this is
what I'm talking about.

You and I, we shouldn't
have this kind of rapport.

Hey there.

Are you the fancy man
sellin' the British bloke?

No! Wait, yes.

- Oh, are you interested?
- Terribly.

- And I'd pay handsomely...
- Deal.

For parts of him.

Wait, what?

I'll do the disassembly myself.

You're not actually
considering this, are you?

Hmm?

No... No.

Kick rocks, freak.

Big boys need to talk.

No, no, no, no, no.

- Hey.
Hey.

I'm gonna sh**t
you straight, man.

When you first came in,

I didn't think you had balls

- at all.
- Yeah.

But when I saw how you
handled yourself with Jackie,

I was like, "Oh man,

he's got balls! For days!"

- Really?
- Yeah.

Balls for days.

- Maybe I do.
- Listen, I, I got a little bit of, um

a side hustle with
an exclusive client,

but he only deals with...
refined types, like yourself.

Hmm!

He's gonna love you.

You almost got us
k*lled! You know that, right?!

And for what? She didn't
even have the dagger!

She did!

On Stede's stupid f*cking nose!

I would've had it if you
didn't rush us out of there.

- Shh!

Hi, guys. Oh, guy, well,
guy... Well, guy and lady...

Oh, you are pushing
your luck, hombrecito.

Um, I was just wondering
whether your dagger had,

um, something on the handle,

- a family name, maybe? J...
- Jimenez. ¿Qué pasa?

Uh, well... Ahh!

You found it.
Yeah, yeah.

Well, I guess you could say
I'm a bit of a pickpocket

from back in the day. I don't
like to even talk about it.

- It was not cute...
- Now this... is a good friend.

Oh, my god.

Okay... well, wouldn't that be crazy
if I was suddenly like, into Jim?

Okay. All right, then.

Makin' our approach
now, Captain!

Oh.

That doesn't look
like a private vessel.

Oh, it's not.

Sorry, I thought I said, uh

we're selling your guy
to the Spanish Navy.

Oh... And we're sure
they're friendly?

Oh yeah. These
guys are the best.

Super chill.

Come on. We'll make this quick.

Let's bring that guy.

He looks tough.

In honor of our hosts,

I've had Roach put
together some food.

I made an assortment of tapas.

Tapas means "little plates."

Yeah, I know about tapas.

- They're like catnip to Spaniards.
- Oh, exactly.

Besides, a gentleman never
arrives empty-handed.

Lucius, once I climb aboard,
I want you to start sketching.

The world's about to witness

the Gentleman Pirate's
first business transaction.

Oh! Now this is a ladder.

Loving your ladder setup,
by the way. Very stable.

El Gentleman Pirata?

I am he.

Oh... I think there's
been a mistake.

This is how we handle pirates

Did y... Did you
mean to do that?

Filthy scum.
String him up,Take the rest of his scum away

Hold on! Bring that one back.

Almost forgot.

Jackie wanted this
for the new jar.

- No. Oh!

- Oh, my god! His nose!

Oh god, no!

Jim's a woman?!

- Did you know that?
- How would I know that?!

Oh, thank god it's out. I'm
so bad at keeping secrets.

- And she can talk?

I'm actually super into
that, so... thanks.

Jackie made you straight away.

She just wanted to watch
you sweat a little bit.

All she had to do
was set a low bounty

sit back, and wait
for you to return.

Adios, Bonifacia.

You can't fool her.

She's Jackie... the
love of my life.

And she's got the biggest
balls of them all.

I'm sorry, guys.

- Any last words?
- Yeah...

You are the worst f*ckin'
pirate captain in history.

I deserve that.

Okay, so, uh,
eh... are you done?

Is that it? Were those
your... last words?

: Help me!

The Gentlemen Pirate, I presume.

- You've heard of me?
Oh yeah, I've heard of you.

I've heard all about you.