01x04 - Discomfort In A Married State

[bunniefuu]

So, I have to marry
a complete stranger?

Well, yes.

He's not some derelict.

He has money.

I just... I thought
that when I did marry

it could be for love.

Peasants marry for love.

Mary has acreage.

(both sigh)

I'm Stede, by the way.

- I know. Mary.
- Stede: Oh, yes.

I know.

Consider... the
humble lighthouse.

A beacon, an unwavering
light that guides.

And you shall be
that for each other.

(horn blows)

For eternity.

(light applause)

Mother Bonnet: Oh,
congratulations!

We've purchased something
for your big day.

A gift!

- Mary: Oh! Graves.
- Stede: Huh.

- Mother Bonnet: Yes!
- Wow.

(light classical music plays)

(clattering)

(children laughing)

Stede?

- (laughter continues)
- Mary: Stede?

- (girl screams)
- Mm-hm?

Will you please play
with your children?

Mm-hm.

(playful screaming,
laughter continue)

And don't play
pirates with them.

They'll have nightmares again.

- Rawr!
- (screaming)

Ha, ha!

I'm the greatest
pirate that ever lived.

- Ah! Please!
- (children laughing)

Any last words, dog?

Spare me! I have a family.

Sorry, boy-o.

Scoundrels spare no one!

Girl's voice: And that's
how we treat pirates.

Mary, we were just
playing pirates.

(somber music playing)

(children laughing)

(lively classical music plays)

(waves roaring)

Been lookin' for you everywhere.

We need to move quickly,
before the Spanish realize

we've massacred all their men.

Oh, the Spanish. They die quite
dramatically, don't they? The Spaniards?

Lots of blubbering
for their God.

Yeah, agreed. Now, we
really should discuss...

Izzy, Izzy, Izzy, Izzy, Izzy.
Look out there. Those clouds.

Do they look like
frankfurters to you?

They look like clouds, boss.
Can we just focus on...

Yes, yes, they look like clouds

because they are indeed clouds,

but if you just put some f*cking
imagination into it, man.

I suppose they
look like sausages.

Frankfurters, yes. Exactly.

It's like pulling teeth
with you sometimes, man.

Let's get to it.

What've we got here?

Izzy: Well, the ship sustained
some damage in the crossfire,

and the crew's
completely useless,

- bottom of the barrel.
- Mm-hm. What's the plan for them?

The uszh

make 'em repair the
ship, execute 'em.

- Right... the uszh.
- Hm.

Black Pete: I bet he's
saying something genius.

He's history's most
brilliant tactician.

I wonder if he'll recognize me.

You know, I thought
he'd be taller.

- Shush.
- Ah! f*ck!

Back to work.

Blackbeard: Boys,
boys, boys, hey.

Let's not brutalize
our guests like that.

(Black Pete wheezing)

- Pirate: f*ck, yeah! Whoo!
- (cheers and applause)

Hello, everyone. I'm Blackbeard.

Huge fan, sir. Huge.

Well, that's lovely, but you
don't need to say sir, all right?

It's just Blackbeard.

- Yes sir, Blackbeard, sir!
- Nice to meet you.

Hello. Hi. Nice to meet
you. Hi, how are ya?

Hey. I love all the rope.
Everyone's wearing rope.

Everyone's grubby,
as well. Filthy.

Look at this bunch!

Wild characters
on the high seas.

(laughs)

- Izzy...
- (bird squawking)

Izzy, come here.
They've got a bird guy.

Look at this thing.

- Hello.
- Karl conveys his warm regards, Captain.

- And Karl's the bird, yeah?
- Karl's the bird.

- Karl's the bird.
- Sorry, sir, Blackbeard, sir.

I was just wonderin' if we're
gonna be able to live or die...

(shouts): Right, come on!

Blackbeard has
business to attend to!

- Fang!
- (hisses) Back to work!

Oh! Jesus!

Blackbeard: Izzy, why
don't we have a bird guy?

(light harpsichord playing)

Mary: Ready?

- Happy anniversary, darling.
- (gasps)

Oh... look at that. What is it?

It's a painting

- of the lighthouse.
- Mm-hm.

- From our wedding.
- (gasps) Yes!

We are to be lighthouses

- for each other, remember?
- That's right.

- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

And the children did that?

Oh gosh, they're good.

- I painted it.
- But they... Hm?

- You did?
- Yep.

Yes, absol... Oh, you can tell.

Wait! Et voila!

What do ya think?

- It's a toy?
- It's a model of a ship.

What would you say to living
on something like that?

You, me, the kids... at sea.

Why on Earth would we do that?

I don't know.

Break the monotony.

Our life feels
monotonous to you?

No!

No, it doesn't, does it?

Um... I just think that

(sighs) why waste our
time here, day after day,

doing the same old thing

when we could be doing this!

We could be on a ship
having adventures.

Do you know I hate the ocean?

- I said so just the other day.
- What? When?

When we were standing
by the f*cking ocean!

I don't want a boat, Stede!

And I don't hate our lives!

At least, not so much that
I would wanna do this!

- I'll get it stopped.
- Get what stopped?

- I mean...
- Get what stopped?!

- Nothing.
- You're not having this built, are you?

No... No, th-this
is just an idea.

This is it. I'm sorry.

That's it.

Blackbeard: This
place is amazing.

Izzy, look, look at this sh*t.

(giggles)

Look at that!

It's a teeny-tiny
version of this ship.

It appears so, yeah.

- So, Edward...
- He's got all sorts of knick-knacks

- and trinkets.
- Edward?

- This guy's f*cking fascinating.
- Edward, focus.

- We need a plan.
- I'm trying on focusing. I'm focusing

- on all of this brilliant stuff.
- Edward, we really need a plan.

- Crazy little trinkets.
- Come on, a plan.

Yes! We always need a
f*ckin' plan, all right?!

And then what? Then we
f*ckin' execute the plan,

then we get another
plan, then what do we do?

We execute that, and
so on, and so on,

and again, and again,
and again, and again.

It's all so f*cking boring!

(heavy sigh)

I'm bored out of my skull,
man. Is this all there is?

I shouldn't be bored.
I'm f*cking Blackbeard.

Well, as bored as you might be,
if you don't make a decision soon,

we're gonna f*ckin' die.

(contemplative music plays)

Ooh, now, there's an idea.
I haven't done that yet.

♪

I haven't d*ed yet, have I?

Maybe we should try that.

Do, do wh-what?

(door closes)

Yeah, 'cause that makes sense.

So, we're thinkin' they're
gonna k*ll us, yeah?

I would if I were
them. Look at us.

Ugh... God.

(speaks Spanish), huh?

You've been lookin'
at me all day.

So, this whole time
you were a woman?

Yeah... I guess.

I don't know.

And you're not a mute?

No, I'm not a mute.

I did not see that coming

at all.

Buttons: Found somethin'
youse might wanna look at.

These wee black dots look about
Spanish to me. What do you think?

Izzy: Right.

f*ck.

f*ck, f*ck...

Hola.

Mary?

- (whimpers)
- Who's this Mary then?

Lucius: Hey, Stede, I
really hope you're not dead

'cause things have
taken a very...

Oh, u-um...

S-Sorry, uh, didn't
mean to bother you.

No bother.

Tell me, can you count?

- Y-Yes. (Scoffs)
- Backwards.

Um...

Sh... Yes.

I want you to
start counting back

from one hour
forty-seven minutes,

and I want you to start...

- Now.
- Sixty, 59

58... 57

- 56...
- Good, keep going. Come find me when you're done.

52, 53... Oh god, sh*t. 50...

Blackbeard: And fetch us
a cold rag, would you?

Absol... Yes! Whatever
you want, sir.

Fif... Uh, 49, 48...

Coward.

I was a coward.

Stede?

I know you're unhappy.

I'm unhappy, too.

- I'm not unhappy.
- No?

Sometimes, I think I...
I've heard you crying.

By yourself?

Uh... no.

It's probably the wind

you're hearing,

or an owl. Might be an owl.

I know we never would've
chosen each other,

not in a million years,

but... all we have
is this one life.

We have to try, don't we?
Otherwise, what's the point?

(snoring)

(snoring continues)

(snoring continues)

♪

(whispers): Mary?

Mary?

Dearest Mary...

You deserve happiness, as do I.

My hope is that the
vast wealth and property

I leave behind for
you and the children

will suffice.

I've sold an acre or
two for my own needs,

but the rest is yours.

You're quite right. We
only have this one life.

Fond regards, Stede.

Mary: You are such...
a disappointment.

- Mary?!
- Did you really think a letter was enough?

- Oh, Mary. I've been stabbed.
- Yes... Congrats.

I mean, piracy?

You left me to be... a pirate?

It's not you. It was me.

I was just uncomfortable
in a married state.

- Father Bonnet: A pirate?
- Ah!

He was scared of geese,
for Christ's sake. (Laughs)

(geese honking)

Goodbye, Stede.

Enjoy hell.

(dramatic music plays)

Captain Stede: Ah! Ah!

Scoundrels spare no one.

Ah! Ahh!

Ahhh!

♪

Hey.

That was a close
call, wasn't it?

Got yourself pretty stabbed
up there by some Spaniards.

- My crew!
- Shh!

- (winces)
- Crew's okay. They're fine.

You need to relax. You
gotta take it easy.

Otherwise, your guts will start
poppin' out all over the place.

What?

Do you work for Blackbeard?

Do...

Never thought about
it like that, yeah.

I suppose I do work
for Blackbeard.

Hmm... I'm Ed.

Hey...

Stede.

- (hammering)
- Psst... Hey.

Are you still Jim?

You know, on account of you being
a... (whispers): A lady now.

Haven't really thought about it.

Wee John Feeney:
Course she's not Jim.

What kind of a name
is Jim for a lady?

My uncle's name is Margaret.

Margaret's kind of
an either/or name.

I think Jim's
strictly for dudes.

If you're not going to be
Jim anymore, can I be Jim?

(Captain Stede sighs)

He probably thinks I'm
a fool, that Blackbeard.

- I'm a terrible pirate.
- Oh, come on.

You know, most of the
pirates I know, they're dead.

So you're doing a hell of
a lot better than them.

(scoffs)

You're a good man, Ed.

How long have you
been on his crew?

Oh, long enough.
Too long, maybe.

To be honest, I'm thinking
about packing it all in.

It can be a bit of a grind.

- Is this silk?
- Captain Stede: Oh, no.

That's actually a

rather exquisite cashmere.

Rather exquisite cashmere.

Oh!

Do you fancy a fine fabric?

I think maybe I do.

Yeah.

Can you keep a secret?

(door creaks)

f*ck off.

I've had a few secret passages

built into the ship.

You know, just for fun.

f*cking mental!

This is my auxiliary wardrobe.

It's a back-up to
my actual wardrobe.

- Blackbeard: Okay.
- Winter jackets.

Autumn vibe.

Summer linen.

(exhales) All of this is yours?

Afraid so. I'm a bit
of a clotheshorse.

Oh, I've been lookin' for these.

- Fab.
- Izzy: Ed?

Ed?

Edward, you in here?

- We don't have all day!
- (softly): Is that Blackbeard?

Hm? No, uh, I'm Blackbeard.

Shh.

Wee John Feeney: We have a
serious question to ask you.

- Are you a mermaid?
- (chuckles) I told you.

(mouth full) I'm not a mermaid.

- Right, okay.
- No, but the way you said that

- was definitely kinda mermaid-y.
- Roach: Yeah,

- I heard it.
- Frenchie: That's what I was thinking.

- I'm not a f*cking mermaid!
- All right.

Izzy: Has anyone
seen Blackbeard?

- What're you doing?
- Eating.

You don't get food when
you've been invaded.

You live at my pleasure!

Back to work! Useless
f*ckin' f*ckers!

(door shuts) - Alls I know is
women are bad luck on ships.

- (all agree)
- Historically.

- That's a myth.
- Frenchie: Well, no,

actually, science

because women have
crystals in their body,

and the crystals attract demons.

And the demons
attract misfortune.

You know, the French call
it... Hey! Hey, hey, hey.

I'm only gonna say this once.

- Once is fine.
- Mm-hm.

- So, listen up.
- Frenchie: Yeah.

I've been on this
ship for weeks now,

and we haven't crashed.

- Hm?
- We were att*cked by the Spanish.

- But...
- Jim: (speaking Spanish) Look, everyone...

I'm gonna keep this very simple.

You all know me as Jim, sí?

- Frenchie: Yeah, good ol' Jim.
- So just... keep calling me Jim.

Huh, nothing's changed.

Except, I don't have the beard,

and my, my nose is different,

and I can speak now, yes.

Anyone got a problem with that?

- (all muttering "no")
- Frenchie: Certainly not.

It makes sense.
Always liked Jim.

- Yeah, good guy. You know, he's great.
- Yeah.

(lively harpsichord playing)

- And this is my pride and joy.
- Incredible.

- You've read all of these?
- Many times.

These are just my favorites.

(sighs)

Ooh, here's one you
might appreciate.

Where is it? Oh.

Yeah.

Oh god.

Is this what they
think I look like?

Hm? f*cking viking
vampire clown with...

Look at that. There's
one, two, three, four

nine g*ns all over
him. Nine g*ns?!

- It's... too many.
- I have... I, I have one g*n and one Kn*fe.

Just like everyone else.

- I didn't mean to upset you.
- No, it's not you. It's

(winces) - It's just f*cking
hard sometimes, you know?

You ever feel trapped?

Like you're just treading water?

Waiting to drown?

Yes.

I have...

I very much have
felt that way...

Blackbeard always wins.

That's the thing. He can't fail.

It's not even a
challenge anymore.

People just see the flag and
they freak out. "Blackbeard!"

And they basically just
give up. They surrender.

What's the point? I don't
even need to be on the boat.

I'm a ghost.

There's no chaos.
There's no drama.

There's no f*ckin' life!

Look...

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but... have you ever
considered retirement?

What the f*ck is that?

Oh! Oh

well, it's when you
stop working by choice

to pursue a life of leisure.

- That's a thing?
- Hmm.

(sighs) Retirement.

You got it all sussed
out, don't you?

You know how hard it
is to find someone

doing something
original out here?

It's impossible, man.

And here you come
with your library,

and your fancy quarters, and
your secret little closet

full of, full of frilly
shirts and, and summer linens.

(exhales) f*ck.

Look it. There's
two chandeliers.

That's overkill.

An open fire on a wooden vessel

surrounded by bits of paper.

You're a f*ckin'
lunatic, and I like it.

(scoffs)

I know it all seems great,

but, really, if I could just

be like Blackbeard, even just for
a moment... (Blackbeard scoffs)

Honestly, I would
give all of this away.

Hey... Do you want to
do something weird?

(cheery music playing)

(hammering, sawing)

Crew of "The Revenge,"

please put your hands together,

and welcome

your brave, brave Captain...

Blackbeard.

♪

- Clap.
- (slow applause)

Captain Stede: Hello, everybody!

Yes, I am the
legendary Blackbeard.

Hello, everyone!

Ooh, ooh, and this
is my new pal, Stede.

Ooh, well, how do you do?

- What is even happening right now?
- Blackbeard: I know.

Come on, you lot.

Come on. Come on. Line
up. Line, line up.

- Line up...
- I'm back!

And greet your Captain.

He escaped the jaws of death.

(confused muttering)

- Glad you're not dead, Captain.
- Good to see you.

Did you see that?
This is amazing!

A word, Cap'n?

You can be a real bummer
sometimes. You know that?

When you tasked me with
trackin' that absolute idiot,

I did that, no questions asked.

And when we traced him to a Spanish
warship, I att*cked that ship,

losin' several of
our men, by the way.

Mm, kinda the job.
They're pirates.

For years, I've followed
your every whim,

I've managed your
increasingly erratic moods,

I've massaged this crew when they
were worried about your judgment.

- Mm, sounds stressful, Izzy.
- It is,

but I did all that

because I was honored to work

for the legendary Blackbeard,

the most brilliant
sailor I had ever met.

But now, you're
just an... insane,

unpleasant shell of a man

who's merely posing
as Blackbeard.

- That's Blackbeard.
- (Captain Stede winces)

I'm Stede, remember?

I'm not dying.

Not for that ponce
and not for you.

So, I'm gonna devise a plan,

and when we've, once again,

barely eked by to
fight another day,

I will very willingly
offer you this:

My f*ckin' resignation,
you absolute twat!

(grunts)

Oh, it's you.

(grunts and winces)

How quickly can we
move this vessel?

I'm not sure. That's
really the crew's thing.

- Ah!
- How are you stocked for munitions?

Ed! Do you know this guy?
He's a complete assh*le!

- Ooh!
- Ivan! Fang!

Prepare the g*ns. Execute
anyone who won't fight.

- What?
- Well, Blackbeard

what do you think?

- Do you concur?
- Me?

I mean, you wanted
to be Blackbeard,

this is what it's like.

We could just talk to them.

Okay, yes, and do
you speak Spanish?

- No.
- Mmm.

Maybe they understand
ecclesiastical Latin.

- Twenty, 19, 18, 17, 16...
- Uh-oh, time's almost up.

- What're you gonna do?
- What?!

They're on us now. Time
for a new idea, Stede.

- W-W-We talk.
- The crew's gonna die.

- I don't... have an idea!
- Hurry, you're gonna lose all your men.

It's all gonna be your fault.

Six, five...- -All of
the men who trusted you.

- I don't know!
- All their blood's gonna be on your hands.

- It's going to be your fault!
- I don't know!

- Time's up!
- I don't what to do!

Death it is.

- But, wait...
- You're a genius, Blackbeard!

I knew you'd save us.

What?

(ethereal music playing)

♪

I don't believe it.

This fog's as thick as stew.

No one'll see us in this.

Oluwande: This is why you do
not doubt Captain Blackbeard!

- Genius on the ship!
- (cheers and applause)

- Alright!
- Bravo.

You knew this would happen?

- How?
- Quite simple, really.

The color of this morning's sky

coupled with the...
brisk westerly wind

made me think we'd be safe.

And then, the shape of
the clouds confirmed it.

- Frankfurters.
- Blackbeard: Yeah.

- f*ck me.
- (laughs)

Izzy, I figured the
fog would set in

once the sea cooled around dusk.

(all impressed)

'Cept we're right in their path.

They'll run smack into us.

Correct! On any other day.

For it is September 2nd,

and tonight's a full moon.

So lift anchor, and
let the ocean current

drift us into the warm
embrace of safety.

- (cheers and applause)
- Ed, it's...

Ed, Ed, it's
September 1st, boss.

- What's that, mate?
- It's September the 1st.

- Dickfuck, no, it's not.
- He's right. It's the 1st.

The full moon's tomorrow.

- It's a leap year.
- Captain Stede: Leap year?

Does that change things much?

Yeah.

We're goners.

(somber music playing)

Those of you who can swim
would be wise to do it now.

- Wait, what are you gonna do?
- I'm sorry.

Where are you going?

The Captain goes
down with the ship.

I'm gonna get pissed.

Blackbeard!

Captain Stede: Wait... Ed.

I never got to see the world.

Ah, it's a bit of a
letdown to be honest, mate.

It's just kind of rocky and
flat, and rocky and flat.

You know, I thought I'd have
a cooler death than this.

Something like being
eaten, eaten by a tiger,

or massaged to
death by mermaids,

or... belly-flopping
into a volcano.

(children laughing)

Blackbeard: What's
that painting?

What is it? A grain tower?

Oh, it's a lighthouse.

I should've been
one for my family.

- And guide them.
- Blackbeard: Hmm.

Well, technically, you're
supposed to avoid lighthouses,

so you don't cr*ck
up on the rocks.

- I never really thought about it that way.
- Mm, no one does.

Both: We need to
be a lighthouse!

(buoyant music playing)

(quiet chatter)

All right, lads! I'm here!

(grunting)

All right, that should do it.

- All right.
- Is this gonna throw enough light?

Blackbeard: Should do. Here.

- Take a swig.
- Yeah?

- Don't swallow it.
- Mm.

Okay, would you blow
into those flames there?

- Careful of your face.
- Mm!

Do it, man! Give
it a go now! Go!

Yeah, that's it. That's it!

Take another swig.
Give it another go.

In three, two, one, blow!

Oh, yes.

And again!

Keep going. You there, do it!

Now!

- (imitates foghorn)
- And stop!

(foghorn stops)

(speaking Spanish)

(foghorn sound)

Again!

(imitates foghorn)

(stops)

(flames whoosh)

(cheery music playing)

(quietly): We did it? We did it!

- (quiet laughter)
- Hey, guys.

- (cheering)
- f*ck, yes!

(shushing)

Yes! We f*cking did it!

Looks like we're
gonna live after all.

For a little while
longer, at least.

Do you think...

I can go back to being mute?

Hey.

Try this.

(Blackbeard sniffs)

Oh... that's some
damn good marmalade.

It's the best.

Ship's stores are
loaded with it.

Had to get rid of
some gunpowder,

but I think it was
the right move.

"The Gentleman Pirate."

I should take a leaf
out of your book.

And then we'll
live the high life.

I could take one out of yours.

Maybe I'll live a little longer.

Could be arranged.

If you were to show me the
ways of an aristocrat...

I could probably show
you a thing or two

about being a
blood-thirsty pirate.

(chuckles) Wouldn't
that be something?

(chuckles)

(birds cawing)

- You're serious?
- It's the most fun I've had at sea in ages.

Okay...

Agreed.

- (Blackbeard laughing)
- Whoa.

Okay.

- (clattering)
- Ah...

Oh, I should deal with this.

(ropes creaking)

Izzy?

I said some things
I regret last night.

I don't think you're
a shell of a man,

or a twat.

(Blackbeard sighs)

You were right, man.
About all of it.

- Have you ever heard of "retirement"?
- Mm.

That's not much of an
option in this line of work.

The only retirement
we get is... death.

What if Blackbeard
turned up dead?

(ominous music playing)

His corpse d*sfigured beyond
recognition, of course.

But still be identifiable
as Blackbeard.

Blackbeard: Well, he's
wearing Blackbeard's clothes,

he's on Blackbeard's ship.

- What happens to you?
- I'm not even here.

My name's Stede Bonnet.

I'm a wealthy landowner.

Of course, the crew
would need a new captain.

Someone who really
knows the ropes.

You mean me.

I suppose it could be me, yeah.

I need you here.

Edward?

You still got it.

I know.

("The Empty Boat" by
Caetano Veloso playing)

♪ From the stern to the bow

♪ Oh, my boat is empty

♪ Yes, my heart is empty

♪ From the hole to the how

♪

♪ From the rudder to the sail

♪ Oh, my boat is empty

♪ Yes, my hand is empty

♪ From the wrist to the nail

♪ From the ocean to the bay

♪ Oh, the sand is clean

♪ Oh, my mind is clean

♪ From the night to the day

♪