01x05 - The Best Revenge Is Dressing Well

[bunniefuu]

Blackbeard: What we have here is
a medium-sized merchant craft.

You'll note, if
you look carefully,

a distinct lack of cannons

or any other k*lling devices.

So, we're gonna go on up there,

and, uh, we're gonna
cause some havoc.

Izzy: Crew of "Revenge,"
you are not to engage.

You are simply here to
observe how real pirates

function in the real world.

Uh, we are also real pirates
in the real world, so.

Quick question: How violent
do we expect this to get?

- Blackbeard: Go, go, go!
- (intense music playing)

- (screams)
- (grunts)

(screams)

Isn't this terrifying?
Note the gusto, Lucius.

- The what?!
- The gusto!

- Why aren't you taking notes?
- Oh no! (yells)

(jaunty tune playing)

It's been an extraordinary few days
of training with Blackbeard's crew.

- 'Scuse me, lads.
- Captain Stede: Oh, hello, Ivan.

- Lucius: Hi, Ivan.
- Hello.

Have you checked his
body yet or what?

Oh, hadn't even occurred to me.

Lucius, write that down in
the "Useful Tips" section.

Searching bodies, wow!

Hey, also, I call dibs
on any gold teeth.

Oh, look at that.

They waste nothing.

Who knew there was so much
to learn about pirating?

I've made so much progress,

but the number of bad
habits I've identified is,

frankly, humbling.

- It's another keeper.
- What are you doin'?

I-I'm just looting this library,

but I'm replacing all the books I've
looted with ones I've already read.

Yeah, that's... that's not
how looting works, mate.

- That's a keeper.
- (book clatters)

Seriously, stop it.

Hand over the goods, dear boy,

or I'll be obliged to
unleash my vengeance

which will be quite
unfortunate for both of us:

The vengeancer and
the vengeancee.

No.

Oh, he's not cooperating.

How do I be more
scary than that?

You could try a
little more oomph.

Next one goes through
your f*ckin' eyeball!

Now, where's the loot?!
Where's the f*ckin' loot?

Captain: (speaking French)

(inaudible)

See? Oomph.

Captain Stede: And I like to think
I've shown him a thing or two as well.

Now, the most important
rule with cutlery

always work your way
from the outside in

after you've dealt with these
smaller pieces in the middle here.

- So, we've got the caviar spoon...
- Yep.

Escargot fork, lobster fork.

- What's escargot?
- Uh, that's snail.

Mm, the French love the snails.

- Yeah, kind of, but more of a scoop.
- Snails.

Back to the outside,
and in we go with

- salad fork...
- I learn all of this just to f*cking eat?

Yes, oh, but it's not
just eating. We're dining.

And remember, dining is...

- Pageantry.
- Pageantry.

I'd love to show you
some saucier spoons,

but there appears to be a
distinct lack of those on

this, supposedly,
first-class vessel.

My apologies. Hadn't imagined
we'd be hosting your kind.

What kind?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means a rich donkey

is still a donkey.

A donkey? A f*cking donkey?!

(shouts): A f*cking donkey?!

Do you know where I'm from?!

You know f*cking
nothing about me, mate!

I've got more riches than you
can shake a f*cking stick at!

Just ignore him, Ed!

Don't debase yourself
for a man who

hasn't a single tureen on board.

You're right. No
need to get riled.

- Fang...
- Fang: Yeah?

Lash him to something very
heavy, and toss him overboard.

And Fang?

Skin him first,

and use the snail fork.

(fork clatters)

Oh...

Now, where were we?

Captain Stede: The
melon spoon is, is, uh,

something I didn't
mention earlier,

which, which, obviously

is, uh... is for melons.

Blackbeard's Mother:
Feel it, boy.

The Carmody Estate is
full of things like this.

Beautiful things.

Why can't we have
things like this?

Well, it's not up to us, is it?

It's up to God.

He decides who gets what.

We're just not those
kind of people.

We never will be.

(pensive music playing)

Captain Stede: Edward?

- Yeah? Yeah.
- Everything all right?

I couldn't help but
notice that that captain

got under your skin.

What? No.

Okay.

His words, though...

They sounded polite,
but they stung.

Yeah... that's called
"passive aggression."

Pirates, they att*ck with force.

The upper crust, they strike

with cutting remarks
disguised as politeness.

That's f*cking diabolical.

- It is.
- Good day to you, fine sirs.

What do you think? A
couple of the suits

from the fancy ship
didn't have blood on them,

and weren't b*rned
up, so I nabbed 'em,

and I found this.

It's a invitation to some kind of
fancy party for hoity-toity people.

Oh, well, we won't
be needing that.

Frenchie: No? I'll burn it then.

No... (stammering)
Hey, stop. Hang on.

- I don't care, but... yeah.
- Want to look at it?

- Very well. Let's have a look.
- Have a read.

It's addressed to "Sir
Godfrey Thornrose."

Even the name's annoying.

Oh yeah. He's been
invited to some

stuffy, swanky formal
affair tonight.

- Ooh, lame.
- Yeah.

- Don't wanna go to that.
- Frenchie: Yeah.

Yeah, but, I mean,
f*ck I care. Whatever.

But we may as well,
maybe, just go.

Give me a chance to practice
my massive aggression.

- Passive aggression.
- Passive aggression. I know.

Well, I think you'll hate it.
It's just a whole bunch of

posh nobs hobnobbing
with other posh nobs,

drinking champagne,
and exchanging glances,

and talking about nonsense.

Fashion, all that kind of stuff.

- Yeah.
- We're going.

What're you doing tonight?

- Nothing. No.
- Nothing? Let's do it.

(indistinct chatter)

- (shushing)
- (whispers): Shut the... Shut up.

Black Pete: I'm, I'm
trying to be quiet.

You good?

I'm good.

Oh, be a dear, and make
me one of those, would ya?

No, shut up.

Get back to work now, all of ya.

We are working...

We just took stock
of the rations.

Of the rations, yeah,
and it turns out we are

- (knocks) good.
- Very good, actually.

- Yeah, we all heard you.
- Yeah, we love an audience.

Oh, I see. You
think you're cute?

Actually, I think
I'm just so-so,

but I've decided
to carry myself like I'm cute.

- (laughs)

- Black Pete: Worked on me.
- (chuckles) Ooh.

(forced giggling)

Ooh, ooh, Daddy.

Daddy.

Your lot days of lyin' around
doing f*ck-all, it's through.

You're all gettin'
specific duties.

No thanks, Iggy. I only
take orders from my Captain.

My name is Mr. Hands,
First Mate Hands,

or God, as far as
you're concerned.

And I've got just the
job for you... bitch.

- Follow me.
- Yep, absolutely.

Come on.

Little psycho.

- Um.
- Hey!

- This was fun.
- This was so fun.

- Izzy (screams): Now!
- Yeah, okay.

(light classical music playing)

Here we are, gents.

Polite culture, ho.

Oh, bonjour.

Uh, Sir Godfrey Thornrose.

- And this is...
- Jeff... the accountant.

You know you can
pick anythin', right?

Yeah, and I like the name Jeff,

and accounting
sounds fancy as f*ck.

- All right.
- And these are...

- Oh... these are...
- You have the honor

of addressing the Crown
Prince Azi of Egypt.

Please.

Thank you. (Clears throat)
And I am his viceroy.

- Oluwande: Please.
- Please, please.

Oluwande: What
does a viceroy do?

Whatever the f*ck
he wants, babe.

Oh, Gaston!

Well, here it is. High society
in all its grotesque glory.

(high-pitched laughter)

(classical music plays)

(laughs)

If you're feeling overwhelmed,

we can always go
back to the ship.

No. Jeff never turns
his back on a challenge.

Jeff would sooner die.

And how does one win
this interaction?

Win?

Well, I've never really...

I suppose you win if all of
these people find you charming.

Well, what's the
first step of that?

Maybe a witty anecdote?

Something funny that might've
happened to you at some point?

Oh, there was one time
I was gouging an eye out

of this lad's skull, and, uh...

I'm gonna stop you there.

It's not really the, uh,
crowd for skull talk.

- Come on.
- Check out this heisting.

Gabriel: Pardonne-moi.

But there is a vicious
rumor going around

that you are... Sir
Godfrey Thornrose?

Ah, yes. Yes, I am.

Not "the" Sir Godfrey Thornrose?

- Guilty.
- The master phrenologist,

Sir Godfrey Thornrose?

- Are they deaf? Are you deaf?
- Indeed, I am.

- We are huge fans of your work.
- Huge fans.- Oh.

- Would you be willing...

to...

palpitate my wife?

Oh, that was fast.

Please...

This head is yours.

Gabriel: Ah, everyone, everyone!

Sir Godfrey Thornrose

is going to palpitate
Antoinette in the parlor,

- and everyone shall watch!
- (laughs)

- (excited chatter)
- (applause)

May I just say, Prince,

you and your employee
are two of the cleanest,

most well-spoken Africans

- I have ever had the pleasure to meet.
- Oh, wow.

- What?
- What a lovely thing to say.

If only I can get my Africans

to present with your bearing.

Stand up straight, Abshir!
Take a lesson from these two!

Now, now don't be
too hard on the lad.

Not everyone can be the
Big Dog Prince Azi here.

He's the descendant of a
fabulously wealthy pharaoh.

Siegfried: Ah, (speaking French)

Y-Yes... that's
correct, correct.

Unfortunately, tragedy
recently befell

- his massive fortune.
- (gasps)

Frenchie: It's locked
away in a remote pyramid,and

I shouldn't be
saying this, should I?

- Um... no.
- I apologize, or should I?

- Yes.
- I don't know, I probably shouldn't, should I?

- Should I? Eh?
- You... Okay.

Ah, to hell with it.
Siegfried gets us.

So, we've a scheme to
retrieve the wealth.

- Siegfried: Mm-hm.
- But we need the right business partner,

who, of course, stands to
become insanely wealthy.

Are you that kind of person?

(lively music playing)

Uh, so, uh, phrenology, which
is the study of the human head.

Feeling here...

I can tell that Antoinette
is of... Dutch descent?

- (all gasp)
- No, I'm Prussian.

Wow, I k*lled a Prussian once.

Excuse me?

In self-defense.

Sometimes... a quick death's the
best way to end a bad conversation.

- (Antoinette laughs)
- (all laughing)

- This man is absolutely hilarious!
- (laughter continues)

And fascinating.

Wait 'til you hear about my
life... as an accountant.

(laughing)

This is far too fast. This is far
too fast. This is far too fast...

Oh god! Oh sh*t! I just
tweaked my lower back.

I expect this to
be done by sunset.

I hope you know how bad
this is for my hands.

Captain Bonnet'll have your head

if my calligraphy's negatively
impacted in any way!

This is deranged! I
don't clean things!

Oh...

- He's gone, mate.
- Oh, Fang, thank god!

Okay, can you haul me
up, please? Come on.

Yeah, nah. I'm
supposed to watch,

and make sure you do
all this and that.

Yeah, totally.

Has anyone ever told you you
have stunning cheekbones?

- (chuckles) Once or twice, I guess.
- Yeah?

Have you ever been sketched?

(snickers)

So, there I was

living... as a, sort of, Godking

among the cannibals of Nuperi.

And they insisted I indulge,

- if ya get my drift.
- (all gasp)

Jeff, are you saying
you've tasted human flesh?

- Not really, no.
- Antoinette: Oh.

I did my best to get it
down without tasting it.

(all laughing)

- You're an incorrigible tease.
- What?

I actually did eat a man.

Actually, I too, have traveled.

- In fact, I've got an amusing anecdote about the time...
- Oh, Thornrose,

will you never cease with
your incessant nattering?

We are trying to hear Jeff!

Forgive him. Forgive
my friend here, okay?

Once he's palmed your
cranium a few times,

it's impossible to shut him up.

(all laughing)

Seriously. Half
the time, I'm like,

"Oh, Godfrey, will you
stop fingering my dents,

and let's get back
to some accounting."

(all laughing)

If you ever want
to change careers,

you can finger my dents anytime.

(all laughing)

This is everything I have on me.

My people thank you
for your investment.

With any luck this little

pyramid scheme of ours will make

- us all very wealthy.
- (giggling)

But remember, you
must be discreet.

Okay? Tell no one of our pact.

All right?

Absolutely.

- Mum's the word, Prince.
- (gives a blessing)

- Go away. Keep your receipt.
- (giggling)

(whispers): How are
you so good at this?

I know a thing or
two about this lot.

(Abshir clears throat)

I can see what you are doing.

Honestly... it was all his idea.

We're not, we're not,
we're not even royalty,

so we could just
leave. We can swim...

Or

Perhaps, I can
arrange an office,

so that Your Grace can
better... conduct your affairs.

Businessman.

I don't know what you're talkin'
about. These people are great.

They seem that way
at first, don't they?

Aw, lighten up. You're just sore
'cause they like me more than you.

It's a fickle crowd. Trust me.

Will you play us
something, Jeff?

I'm not very musical, love.

Plus, I only know shanties,
which are probably

a little beneath the fancy
britches crowd like you.

Oh, no! We love a good shanty.

Oh! I'll see what
we can come up with.

Uh, I don't know.
Maybe, uh, this.

- (runs down keys)
- Oh, come on.

(cheery music playing)

- Oh, I like to dance!
- (cheers and laughter)

♪ ♪

(gibberish)

How's our barnacle
project comin'?

I'm gonna k*ll that twat.

Fang: I've never had anyone
take interest in my form before.

Well, you've never met
anyone worth a damn, then.

Ahh, yer just bein' nice.

Hey, guys. Uh, the boss
is lookin' for you.

What, Blackbeard's
back? Oh sh*t!

Oh, no, no, no. It's that
little... angry fecker, Izzy.

Izzy the Spewer? Let him look.

Izzy the Spewer?
What's that about?

Captain left him in charge once,

and we were in choppy seas,

and he spewed everywhere,

and he sh*t himself, too.

I mean, lots of sh*t. (Laughs)

That's not a bad likeness.

You've really captured
somethin' there.

I'm just recording what's there.

What the f*ck?!

(quiet chatter)

Melon.

Snail.

Snail fork.

Oh goodie.

Jeff's seated next
to me. (Chuckles)

- Yes, goodie.
- Oh.

- (clinks)
- Ooh! (Laughs)

(all laughing)

(cork pops, laughter continues)

(quiet chatter)

What's all this about?

I'm really not at
liberty to say.

Prince Azi wouldn't like it.

We appreciate your
offer, but, uh...

Oh, please, I beg of you!
You must let me invest!

I'm sorry the Prince doesn't
know what you're talking about.

Don't toy with this man.

He's clearly quite
sophisticated.

Please, I would love
to have you assist us.

Oh, thank you, Prince.

Just, em

give us everything valuable
on you, and, eh, you are in.

Be quick, please.

Business is, you know...

- Your receipt, sir.
- Thank you.

- (knocks on door)
- Thank you.

There's a Steve asking for you?

- It's Stede, actually.
- Yeah, tell him we'll meet him outside.

- Hey, guys, what's going on in here?
- Frenchie: Nothing.

Take... okay.

No, I know, I know them.

I know them. I'm,
I'm the Captain.

Hi!

And I simply wouldn't be caught

dead in Paris past Spring.

- Would you, Jeff? Would you summer in Paris?
- Hm?

Uh...

Sure, why not?

Why, Jeff, you have such an
interesting manner of eating.

- (chuckles) Thank you, mate.
- Mm-hm.

(all chuckling)

Hang on. That's, that's
passive aggression.

Whatever do you mean, Jeff?

You're doing it again.

Stop that. I know
what you're doing.

- It's not clever!
- What's not clever?

I don't know if you have a problem
with something that we are doing.

(all gasp)

You have any idea who I am?

I will k*ll every
last one of you.

How will you do that,
Jeff the Accountant?

- By boring us to death?
- (all laughing)

Or maybe he'll remove our heads

with teaspoons, or...
Oh, escargot tongs!

(all laughing)

Stede was right! You're all
f*ckin' fickle! All of you!

(all laughing)

Captain Stede: I was never
very good at these things.

Yeah, from my experience

these things are meant to make
you feel like a bit of a jackass.

I was in service for a minute
so I know the lay of the land,

and trust me, servants,
they see everything.

This lot?

They're not so fancy.

Get the f*ck outta my way.

- You all right, mate?
- I think I wanna go now.

- Captain Stede: What?
- What'd they do to you, man?

Did something
happen over dinner?

Uh, yeah, well,
uh, I don't know.

Um, I used escargot tongs

and a melon spoon to
eat a f*cking prawn!

- Oh god. No!
- Oh, they are such dicks about spoons.

- Why would you?
- I don't know, I panicked.

And then, they laughed at me.

- Nobody laughs at me.
- Captain Stede: Edward, put that away!

I'm serious! Stand down now!

You're in over your head.

These are my people.
I'll deal with it.

You're gonna swab
the deck... twice.

Then patch the mainsail,
oil and rewick the cannons,

then stack the munitions,

and by the time
you've done all that,

I'll have several
more chores for you.

And what if I don't?
You're not my captain.

I could spill all your beans.

You've been a proper little
seductress, haven't you?

Black Pete, Fang.
Who else is there?

- Hey, Pete?
- Yeah, love?

- I drew Fang naked.
- (laughs) Nice.

He's drawn most of us.

See? We don't own each other.

Dizzy Izzy.

Or is it... Izzy the Spewer?

It'd be a shame if the
entire crew learned about

that nickname, wouldn't it?

Go now.

Have you ever been sketched?

f*ck off.

(laughs) Oh! Yes.

That was hot.

(indistinct chatter)

Ah, look, it's the Head Toucher.

And where is your
friend, Monsieur Prawn?

- (all laughing)
- Clever.

Hey, I've noticed that we
have yet to play a game.

So I'd like to propose one
called "Stark Revelations."

Pff, it sounds
absolutely pedestrian.

I'm already so
bored I could die.

Well, I thought
you might say that.

It might be a little
over this room's head.

It is more of a Parisian
game, after all.

I'll have you know that
we are as sophisticated

as any Parisian you
would ever know.

We will play your
dreadful little thingy.

- What are the rules?
- Mm.

Well, it's quite simple.
I ask a question,

and if you can't
answer, I get a point.

If you can answer, all
of you get a point.

So, let me understand. It
is you versus all of us?

(all laughing)

Exactly... Let us begin.

- Now, ah, Sebastian...
- Ohh.

Have you ever had a
child out of wedlock?

Named, say... Daphne?

(all gasp) - Eugenia, isn't
that the name of your child?

(all laughing)

Score one for me!

Now, ah yes, Siegfried.

I hear you're
struggling financially?

Piffle! Patently false.

Maybe because you've
been embezzling from

your business
partner for the past

- eight months?
- (all gasp)

Gabriel: I didn't know
people still embezzled.

- How grubby.
- I know, just inherit it like a normal person.

- Gabriel? Antoinette?
- Both: Mmm.

You've both been married
for some time, haven't you?

- Yes, for many years.
- We're deliriously happy.

Tell me, how did you two meet?

- We met at a, a ball.
- A picnic.

You see, I think you
might have met at birth.

Seeing as how you're
actually siblings!

- (all gasp)
- That is inane!

Go f*ck yourself, Thornrose.

Oh, please, we've all
suspected for years.

- And I told you he was a crook!
- So what if I am?

I don't need your money anymore.

I'm going to be richer
than all of you!

- I own half a pyramid.
- I own half a pyramid.

I own half a pyramid, too!

Give me those!

(grunts) - That is for
shagging my Eugenia!

Told you. We see everything.

You weren't wrong,
Frenchie, Olu.

- Thanks for the info, Abshir.
- It was my pleasure.

- (glass shatters)
- (retching)

Why should our
love be forbidden?

Because you're my f*cking
brother, Gabriel! It's disgusting!

- f*ck is goin' on in here?
- Now they are truly worthless!

What the hell did you do to 'em?

(all shouting)

Passive aggression.

(distant shouting)

When you cut loose,
you really cut loose.

Thanks.

Hey, what'd you do
with our earnings?

I reinvested them... wisely.

So, what are we going to
do with all this money?

I don't know. Sharpen
the con a bit.

We'll say, "I'm
a Nigerian Prince

"in terrible need
of assistance." Ha!

(light music playing)

We're just not those
kind of people.

We never will be.

I'm sorry tonight
was a bit of a bust.

No, no, mate, you were right.

- Wasn't ready.
- I don't know.

I think you're
very sophisticated.

- Thank you.
- Well, that's a lovely piece of silk you have there.

Oh, this tatty old thing?

Well, sometimes the old
things are the best things.

May I?

There we go.

Look at that.

You wear fine things well.

(scoffs)

(soft chuckle)

♪ ♪

- Okay.
- Yep.

- Night night.
- Night night.

♪ ♪

What in God's name
is emblazoned on it?

Admiral: I believe it
is a cat, your Highness.

And why is there blood
all over the thing? Ecch.

Admiral: It is the
blood of your officers.

They were brutalized
aboard the vessel,

and slain, in the case of
brave Captain Badminton...

(crew yelling)

My dear twin brother.

He was your twin? Didn't
he have lots more hair?

I don't know. I suppose.

Not something I paid
much attention to.

Yes, well, horrible
business, Admiral Badminton.

Full force of the English
Navy is at your disposal.

(sniffs)

Your Grace.

On my honor, I'll ride these
"Cat Bandits" straight into hell.

(tense music playing)

♪ ♪