01x07 - This Is Happening

[bunniefuu]

Here we are.

Why, thank you.

Mm. Oh, that's perfect.
You got it just right.

I know. A dollop of
milk and seven sugars.

It wouldn't be the same
with six.

So, what's on the
agenda for today?

Don't know. I thought I might
just sharpen the old sword.

- Prepare for the next adventure.
- The next adventure?

I can't stay around
here forever.

- Besides, a ship has only one captain.
- Roach: Captain!

- Yes?
- Yes?

Oh, sorry, that's,
uh, my bad. Your ship.

Who are we saying is
Captain right now?

- Me.
- Him.

Right. Captain, bad news...

Hold that thought, will you?

Hey, listen, don't
feel as though you need

to rush out on my account.

I mean, we're all enjoying
your company here.

Mate, I know, I know. Me too.

Uh, just, you know, I've stayed
longer than I figured I would,

and... I just wasn't built
for sittin' idle, man.

- Roach: Uhh, Captain?
- What is it, man?

- We're out of oranges.
- This is the emergency?

Eat an apple, for God's sake!

No, the thing is, we
really needed the oranges

to treat the scurvy.

Scurvy? Who has scurvy?

Uh, hello?

My teeth keep falling out.

Is that normal?

So, apparently, we've
run out of oranges.

Uh, yeah, no sh*t, and in
case you haven't noticed,

the Swede has scurvy.

We don't know that it's scurvy.

- Ay, ay, ay. Don't breathe over me, man.

- Go sit...
- I just said we don't know that it's...

- Go sit over there.

Captain Stede: All right,
back to the oranges.

Look, I hate to toss
anyone under the carriage,

but it does seem like
bad meal planning.

Hey! There was that cake you had
me make with the 40-orange glaze.

You wasted 40 oranges on cake?

On the glaze! Plus, another
10 for the cake itself.

- All: What?!
- All right, stop going on about your cakes.

Barely tasted of orange,
if that's any consolation.

Let's just accept the fact that,

due to Roach's immoderate
use of the citrus

we now have to go
grocery shopping.

St. Augustine's full of oranges,

- and we're right near there.
- Captain Stede: Oh, anything

exciting to do there?

Maybe, something might impress

a world-weary, adventuring type?

No! It's boring and
awful, and the humidity?

Do you understand what
that'll do to your hair?

So?

- What?
- Captain Stede: I'll wear a hat.

Are anyone else's
fingernails falling off?

- Oh my god.
- Is that your fingernail?

Right! St. Augustine it is.

So, you gonna tell me?

- Qué te pasa?
- Are you really not gonna tell me?

- Tell you what?
- Why you're scared to go to St. Augustine.

- I'm not scared of St. Augustine.
- No?

You had a pretty strong
reaction just then.

- No, I didn't.
- Captain Stede: Jackpot!

Oh, thank god!
You found the oranges?

Ahh, no.

Bad luck on that
front, I'm afraid.

Apparently, there's a blight.

Not a single orange to be found.

But I may have got
something even better.

Lucius, tell them what I've got.

It's a treasure map.

A treasure map!

Come on, it took me 40 minutes

of intense bargaining
to get this.

The vendor wasn't
gonna sell it to me,

but I managed to sweet talk her.

By giving her a lot of money.

Like, more money than
I've ever seen in my life.

Alright, come on. Calm down.

It was an investment,
and we'll recoup

once we find the loot.

So... go fetch my shovel,

the nice one in
the glass cabinet.

W-Wait, what? What
about the oranges?

Still on with the oranges?

- Really?
- What?

Black Pete: Excuse me.

I don't mind saving the
day on this one, Captain.

Why don't I take a few men

out on reconnaissance, see
what we can't rustle up.

Oh, that's surprisingly
helpful of you, Black Pete.

- Thank you.
- Just make sure Blackbeard hears about it.

I think Jim should do it.

You know, seeing as
though they're from here.

- I never said that.
- Yeah, you don't say a lot.

Right, fine,
whatever. Go with Jim.

I've got an amazing day to plan.

Tell Blackbeard I
took initiative.

This was my mission!

It's still yours. I'm not going.

- Cálmate.
- Does anyone have a little baggy?

I'm saving my teeth, so
I can put them back in.

Uh, yeah, thing is, Swede,

teeth don't work like that.

Once they're out

they don't go back in.

Jim, please help!
Please get more oranges!

The teeth don't go back in!

- Go for a run, Swede.
- Ahh! They don't go back in!

Read it and weep, my
friend. Adventure awaits.

Look, mate, I hate
to be a downer, but

people just don't bury
treasure. It's just not done.

- Well, why make a map?
- He's saying the map's not real.

What? Course, it's real!

Look at it. Tatty
edges. It's burnt.

It's been around,
it's seen things.

If it were real, why would
she have sold it to you?

Why not keep the map herself,

and find the treasure herself?

Oh, strong question. Love that.

Well, maybe she's just lazy.

I mean, she works down at the
dock selling maps, for God's sake.

Best of luck to you,
mate. I'm taking a nap.

Last I heard, a ship
only has one captain,

and the captain of this
vessel says, "On your feet!"

We're having a day...
once I've changed.

- Is he always this highly strung?
- Yeah.

What?

I can't believe you
made me do this.

You have no idea how
much I hate it here.

Exactly! I don't know because
you don't tell me anything

because you're weirdly and
freakishly secretive, Jim.

No, I'm not. I'm
normal secretive.

Jim, Jim, I've known
you for over a year.

I didn't know you were
from St. Augustine.

I don't even know what
your favorite color is.

- What's that got to do with anything?
- Everything!

We're friends.

Friends tell each other
these kind of things.

Teal. My favorite color is teal.

Who are you?

I should be leading
this mission.

It's more of a chore than
a mission, to be fair.

See, I think the
main thing is you're

- bad at leadership.
- And Jim isn't?

They just started talking.

Yeah, but Jim's the kind of
person where if they stabbed me,

I'd be like, "Yeah,
probably deserved it."

Ah, I would love to
be stabbed by Jim.

Uh, guys? Think we're all set.

Boom!

- Oranges! Found 'em.
- Wait. No, we don't want those!

- Yes!
- We don't want... Stop!

Hey, hey! Drop the orange!

Well, well, well.

Someone looks a little
silly right now.

Jealous much?

Those are off limits.
We'll go somewhere else.

Why? 'Cause it's a church?

What are they?

Christ's oranges?

Sí...

Is there a problem?

Now, that was incredibly
badass, especially for a nun.

Don't k*ll us, Sister.
I'm in the tribe.

Yes, just joined.

Jim: Nana.

- Nana: Bonifacia.
- I go by Jim these days.

- Well, come in, Jim. We'll have cake.
- Nana?

- Bet you think this is hilarious.
- This is f*ckin' fascinating.

That's your nan.
Jesus. Coming, Nana!

I'm coming for some cake!

So, we're either here,
or possibly down here.

- Why're you hiding your face?
- I'm freakin' Blackbeard, man.

- I can't be seen treasure hunting.
- Oh, come on.

We're in the middle of nowhere.

No one's gonna recognize you.

Hey, Blackbeard! Treasure,
treasure hunting.

Shut the f*ck up, okay?
I'm not Blackbeard.

- Okay.
- Oh, dear.

f*ck off! Get outta here! Move.

Right... I'll be hiding
over there by that tree

whenever you decide wherever
the f*ck it is we're going.

Captain Stede:
Right. Won't be long!

Now look, we're
gonna have fun today,

and that's an order.

You can't really order
people to have fun.

Well, I just did.

Guys like Blackbeard,
they live for adventure.

It's like nourishment for them.

So, we're gonna have
an extremely fun,

memorable, deeply
cool adventure.

Now, do I have your
support on that?

- Yeah, okay.
- Okay, good.

Bonifacia once bit a
priest's finger off!

- What?!

Aye. We thought they were feral.

- Aye, the priest swore... that he'd die of rabies.

Well, he didn't, did he?

No, he d*ed years
later. He was... Oh!

- What? What? What?

- He was crushed by a tree.

Ha-ha. Wow. Dark
humor over here.

Life is pain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It kind
of is though, isn't it?

I like him

Is he your husband?

Or is this just a living in
sin situation

He speaks Spanish,Nana.

Ohh.

Muy bien. Aye, muy, muy bien.

- Oluwande: You bit a priest.

Nana: And the rest of them?

The ones... that are
fixing my wall, huh?

Black Pete: What are
you stopping for?

Eh! Hurry up!

- Jim: They're just a bunch of idiots.
- Nana: Ah, figures.

Who else would agree to get paid

- with oranges?

Oluwande: Only Pete.

- f*ck off, flies!
- They're not that bad.

They really are full of
blood, though, aren't they?

Like little flying grapes.

I think
I just swallowed one!

At least you got lunch.
I'm f*ckin' starving.

Captain Stede: Guys! Come
quick! I've found something!

Dryocampa Rubicunda,

or the candied melon silk moth.

A very rare specimen.

See? We're already
finding stuff.

Great, you found a bug. Cheers.

And who says treasure
maps are useless?

I wasn't being sarcastic,
that's just how I talk.

Oh, laugh all you want,

but without the map, we wouldn't
have found this little guy,

so it's already
paying dividends.

Suppose it is pretty
interesting, for an insect.

- f*ck off!

f*ck this. I'm goin'
back to the ship.

Oh, come on! We're having fun!

You know what your problem is?

You just have no
idea how to relax!

Does he, Lucius?

I mean, you are kind of intense,

like... all of the time.

No, I'm not.

I know how to relax.

See? I'm actually quite
relaxed right now.

- Oh, f*ck off!

f*ck you! f*ckin',
f*ckin' nature! f*ck off!

f*cking... little...
mother... f*cking... snake!

f*ck you!

Die!

According to the map, there
are snakes in this area,

so... just be careful.

- Hmm... Mmm.
- Mmm.

Admit it. This is a
bit of fun, isn't it?

Yep. The snake's nice.

It's actually really
well tenderized.

You could be a chef.

Probably could. Maybe I will.

I can do anything.

I'd come to your restaurant.

Well, you might not get in.

It's gonna be very popular.

You'd save me a
seat, wouldn't you?

Maybe...

If you weren't being a d*ck.

What night do you wanna come?

- Saturday night.
- That's a busy night.

I'll come on the Monday.

Okay. I can probably get you in.

It's called Blackbeard's
Bar and Grill

and Other Delicacies,

and Delights... and
Fishing Equipment.

Yeah, but who wants to go to
dinner, and then you walk past

all this fishing gear
that you can buy.

Maybe a gift shop out the back.

Then you can say, "Oh,
hope you enjoyed your meal.

Have you seen the gift shop?"

Blackbeard: What do they say?

"Oh, no thanks. I've just
come for a nice meal."

That's, aw... Then
now, they're angry.

- No!
- They're gonna leave a bad review.

Another guy from the other
side of the room might go,

"Oh, I'm into gifts.
I'll go and have a look."

Ah yeah, well, that's
the guy I'm after.

I want him to come.

- Who's he?
- That's me.

Aww!

Ooh, you've got a

little bit in your beard.

Oh.

No, come to the... Down a bit.

Just up, up a little bit.

To the, to the left.

Here, I'll get it.

Oh my god, this is happening.

- What?
- What?

Lucius: Nothing.

More snake?

Captain Stede:
Blackbeard's Snakery.

- That's your specialty.
- Blackbeard: It's a Snakery Snackery.

- Captain Stede: Snake Snacks.
- Blackbeard: Ooh, Snake Snack.

Captain Stede: "Want a
Snake Snack?" "Yes, please."

Glad to see the form I taught
you is still excellent.

So, is there any
prayer here, too,

or is it just Kn*fe work?

Please, don't get her started.

This child was not
raised to kneel,

or to turn the other cheek.

I taught them how to be silent

stealthy enough to stalk mice.

Patience.

Let it fully reveal itself,

and then... strike.

I taught them to k*ll,

to butcher.

And after many
years of practice,

Bonifacia... was ready.

- Ready? For what?
- To take their revenge!

- Revenge for their bloodline.
- Revenge for my bloodline.

- Revenge for the meek.
- Jim: Revenge for the meek.

- God's divine revenge.
- God's divine revenge.

Okay.

The Jimenez family

was k*lled by a roving
g*ng of mercenaries:

The Siete Gallos.

Seven of the most dangerous
and brutal K*llers

this land has ever seen.

Tell me, my child.

Did you hunt them down?

Did you slaughter them?

Did you have them beg...
like dogs for the mercy

they did not...
show your family?

Sí, sí, Nana. I got
oodles of revenge.

Details.

Do we have to do this right now?

If not now, when?

Tell me, how many of
the Siete Gallos live?

I, I don't know. Eh, six?

Unless some of them
d*ed of other things.

One?

You just k*lled one of them?

The only one that mattered...

Alfeo De La Vaca.

You just k*lled

one of them.

Yeah, but Jim used
the family dagger,

which... I thought was
a pretty nice touch.

I was there. He was...

He was very surprised.

You are such a disappointment.

Life is disappointment

Isn't that what you always told me?

Oluwande: Jim.

I'm gonna try and
undo some of the

damage from that interaction.

Jim!

There's still a few scraps
that didn't completely burn.

Ah, give it up, Stede.

All adventures have
a natural conclusion,

and this one's
more than fitting.

No, I think I can fix this.

Come on, the day's
not fully ruined.

God, he'll probably be moping
all the way back to the ship.

You don't have to
be a d*ck about it.

- What?
- I said, "Don't be a d*ck."

Okay? 'Cause he's put together
this whole outing for you.

For me? Why?

Look, you're very cool,

and you wear leather, okay,

so maybe you won't
understand this,

but everyone is
worried all of the time

whether they're interesting
or adventurous enough for you.

And that bizarre little man
over there likes you very much,

and you like him.

And if you can't
get over yourself

long enough to realize that,

you're gonna end up another

leather-clad,
middle-aged sad sack

dying alone in a
puddle of his own piss.

You can s*ab me in the face now.

Oh...

It's hopeless.

We might as well head
back to the ship.

You were right. It's
a stupid idea. I...

I don't know why we're here.

I'm actually a
little disappointed.

I was startin' to have fun.

That little bit there on that

little scrappy bit of paper,

that looks like a
tree, doesn't it, boy?

Yeah, no, definitely.
It does to me.

And the, the other
little squiggly bit.

- What's that look like?
- Yeah, like a, a... Like a

- river or a road.
- Road. R-R-Road or a river.

Maybe, yeah. Clear as day, mm.

You know what?

I think, just with
this little bit here,

we could probably sort this out.

- Yeah?
- They're all the pieces we need.

Plus, the rest of the map was,

basically, just
blank space anyway.

Hm, shall I prepare
the shovel, or...

Uh, well, we didn't come all
this way to not dig something up.

Right!

That's the spirit.

Okay.

This way...

I think.

Come on!

- That was very sweet.
- Don't,

or I will s*ab you
in your f*ckin' face.

Yeah, absolutely.
Of course. 100%.

Wait for me.

Oluwande: There you are.

How'd you find me?

Well, I just...

I just followed
a trail of twigs,

and footprints.

I've seen you get lost
on the ship sometimes.

Yeah. Where are we?

That's my tree.

My parents planted
it when I was born.

This was my family's land,
and that's where I grew up.

This is where it all happened.

Jim: One day

a stranger showed up.

Can I help you

This is our land

Beautiful oranges.

Take as many as you like.

I will.

Jim: I don't remember the rest.

Must've blacked it out.

When I came to, I was in
the woods holding this.

My father's Kn*fe.

I was... out there for weeks
before anyone could find me.

Christ...

Jim, that's awful, man.

Look, for what it's worth

you're surprisingly
well-adjusted for a

orphan raised by a nun
to be a k*lling machine.

She's a lot.

But she's my only family.

Well, look

if you wanted...

I could be family. I just...

Captain Stede: You sure
this is the right tree?

- Lucius: Yeah, definitely.
- Blackbeard: Oh, undoubtedly, mate.

Lucius: It looks just
like the one off the map.

Plus, pirates are always burying
stuff at the base of trees.

See, now I feel like
you're just patronizing me.

- Uh, guys.
- What are you doing to my family's tree?

Oh, hey! Good timing.

I'm just about to
unearth some treasure.

We, uh

we're just letting
him dig for a bit.

- Get it out of his system.
- I found something!

What do you think it could be?

- It's a rock.
- A rock, I imagine.

Lucius, come help!

Okay, I'm literally the only
person here with a wooden finger,

- but, uh, sure!
- Too late!

I've got it.

- I think it's a rock.

Yeah, sorry, mate. That's
usually how these things go.

Just end up finding a rock,
or a dried-up piece of sh*t.

Well, I guess the real treasure

was our day spent
together, am I right?

Lucius

we spend every day together.

Treasure is the real treasure.

Hey, look at that.

It's an orange.

- Hm.
- Petrified.

It's a petrified orange.

Old tree still had some
fruit to give after all.

I suppose you should have it.

It's your land.

It's cool. Finders keepers.

Oh, thank god. I didn't
want to give it to you.

I think this is my
new favorite thing.

Okay! Back to the boat.

I told you I took that lady down at
the docks for a ride, didn't I, Lucius?

Lucius: You sure did,
boss. You sure did.

Yo.

You're not coming?

I can't.

Nana was right.

I have to finish the job.

Not for her, for me.

Be careful.

You know me.

Yeah, that's why I'm
saying be careful.

Nana: Vamos.

The Swede will be
happy with these.

If he has any teeth left.

Nana: Adiós.

Where is Bonifacia?

Gone.

Said they're to finish the job.

Sorry, child.

Life is pain.

Life is pain.

Captain Stede: It really
is the perfect paperweight.

And this really is
the perfect brandy.

- Plenty more where that came from.
- Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.

You know, Ed...

I don't know if I, uh

well

agree that

- a ship can only have one captain.
- Mm.

Yes, well...

I suppose if you
found the absolutely

two perfect people

then they could potentially...

- Co-captain?
- Co-captain.

We said the same thing.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Izzy: Bonnet comes
along, and he's like,

"Oh, Oh, Blackbeard, I really
love... I love the way you dress.

I love the way your hair,
your beard, and all that."

I tell ya, I would've
ripped his f*ckin' head off.

And I would have had him,
too, I would have had him...

I don't like havin' their
kind in my establishment.

If it makes you feel any
better, they hate it, too.

Well, this is
quaint... ly awful.

Let's make this quick.

So, you're Spanish Jackie?

Yeah.

Are you Spanish?

No.

- So, why do they call you Spanish Jackie?
- I don't know.

A little bird has told us that
you've got it in for Stede Bonnet.

So do we.

He broke my nose jar,

and one of his crew m*rder*d
my favorite husband.

I didn't follow any of that.

- And you?
- Bonnet

done something to
my boss's brain.

Who is this chump to you?

This chump

- k*lled my brother.
- Is that a f*ckin' cat?

We can serve Stede Bonnet
up to you... for a price.

Name it.