01x01 - Pilot

Episode transcripts for the TV show "k*lling It". Aired: March 31, 2022 –; present.*
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Rags-to-riches sitcom about class and capitalism, Craig is a bank security guard living in Miami and struggling to make ends meet.
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01x01 - Pilot

Post by bunniefuu »

I know what you're thinking.

"This f*cking guy," right?

"Rich prick.

"I mean, damn, that
kimono was made to be worn

"for the highest-level
state functions

"of the emperor of Japan,

and he's just loungin'
around in that sh*t."

Oh, look at that.

Spilled some osso buco on it.

Oh, well.

But let me be clear about this.

No one just hands
you a royal kimono.

Nah.

I came from nothing.

People wanna say the
American dream is dead.

Well, that's bullshit,

because the story I'm
about to tell you,

my story,

is one that can only happen

in the U.S. of m*therf*cking A.

Are you even listening
to me, Andrea?

I thought you were on the phone.

I'm inspiring you with
my personal journey.

This is a big deal
for you, Andrea.

Pay attention!

Shut up.

Get your ass in the store.

We were in here before.

We took some candy when
you weren't looking.

- I'm sorry.
- Damn right, you sorry.

We are a family that
pays for what we get.

Okay. It's just 30¢.

Oh, uh, we can't pay for these.

- It's not funny.

You know I'm working
towards something, Isaiah.

Nobody succeeds overnight.
You gotta put the time in.

Ask him.

Was it easy opening
this place up?

- No.
- It took years of hard work.

You see, boys? Years.

You just gotta keep the faith.

Dad.

- Dad!
- What?

We took more candy.

Give him the candy.

I'm proud of you, Craig.

f*cking snitch.

- Ah!

What's the combination,
m*therf*cker?

Stop f*cking stalling!

- Be cool.
- I didn't see anything.

So how did I get from there

to the splendor and
opulence I now inhabit?

Wait, are you crying? Don't cry.

Oh, Mr. Craig, it's so sad.

It's not sad. It's inspiring.

No, it is sad.

Agree to disagree.

I lost my cousin
when I was eight.

We're not talking
about that now.

Andrea, this is a
uplifting interaction.

Cancer.

Andrea!

It's 4:00 a.m. Miami is asleep.

But me, I'm wide awake. Why?

Am I out at the clubs?

Do I rise with the
European markets?

No.

I just really have to pee.

Pause for laughter.
Pause for laughter.

This is an
all-too-familiar story

for a man of over
40, 50, or even 60.

So what's the deal?

Chances are, you're
suffering from

benign prostatic hyperplasia.

In other words, you have
an enlarged prostate, son.

That's too Black.
That's too Black.

In other words, you have
an enlarged prostate, sir.

Frequent need, weak stream,
post-urination dribbling...

This has to stop.

But luckily...

Nessa, up!

I'm dropping you at your mom's.
I have to be at work early.

In a minute, Dad.

There's an
all-natural supplement

that's proven to work.

Saw palmetto berries.

Pharmaceutical
companies are desperate

for these berries.

But they only grow one
place in the entire world.

Oh, sh*t!

- What was that?
- Is that an iguana?

- Where did it come from?

It's 'cause of the cold.

They get stunned and start
falling out of trees.

Toss him in a bush.
He'll warm up eventually.

You wanna go ahead
and grab that for me?

I don't love reptiles...
Lizards, snakes, skinks.

- What's a skink?
- I don't know what a skink is.

I'm not gonna look that
sh*t up and scare myself.

Well, I'm not touching that.

Ugh. I'ma try the wipers.

Ugh!

Damn it.

It wasn't that big a deal.

That's 'cause you refused
to touch it, Nessa.

Hey, Camille.

Marco.

Thank you for taking her.

I have to be in early

because I'm actually
applying for a business loan.

So I bought this suit.

Fits so nice, it looks
like it was painted on.

- Yeah? Good.
- That's what I was going for.

Oh, you just gonna walk away?
Now you can't read my lips.

Boy, that Marco's sure gained
some weight, hasn't he?

He's calling me fat again.

This is family time, Marco.

You don't need to be here.

Good luck at your meeting, Dad.

Thank you, baby.

Craig, wow!

I barely recognize you
out of your guard uniform.

Love the suit.

I want you to know how
serious I am about this.

- Can I just start?
- Oh. Okay.

- All business.

It's 4:00 a.m.

Miami is asleep.

I'm wide awake. Why?

Am I out at the club?

Do I rise with the
European markets?

No. I just really have to pee...

Wait, is this a pitch?

- Are you applying for a loan?
- Yeah.

I told Monica. Did she not...

She just said you
were coming in.

I thought it was about me
going as Shaq for Halloween.

Why would I wanna come in early

to talk to you about that?

Somebody wrote a
letter to corporate

saying they were offended,
and I assumed it was you,

since you're the only...

Person I hadn't
asked about it yet.

- It wasn't me.
- Because you're cool.

And for the record, I
wasn't in blackface.

I had makeup on
my arms and chest.

But the face was a mask.

I'm not stupid.

- I know the rules.
- Okay, so

- can I still do my pitch?
- Of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's hear it.

It's 4:00 a.m.

Miami is asleep.

Me? I'm wide awake...

The whole thing
is just so crazy.

I'm one of the least r*cist
people you'll ever meet.

Sorry, go on.

So why am I awake?

Am I out at the clubs?

I'm an advocate
for Black people.

I hired you and Gloria.

- Gloria's not Black.
- Well, she's something.

Do I rise with the
European markets...

I just gotta tell you,

my favorite actor is Jamie Foxx.

I don't think you're
r*cist, Mr. Franks.

Thanks. Thank you.

It's so important to
me that you know that

because I can't give you a loan.

Our default rate with borrowers
from the Black community

is just too high.

What is your favorite
Jamie Foxx movie?

Mine's "Ray."

So dope.

I can't believe that sh*t.

I mean, whose favorite
movie is "Ray"?

That's not what I meant, Isaiah.

I worked on that
presentation for over a year.

Yeah, well, bosses are dicks.

That's why I'm self-employed.

Self-employed doing what?

Doin' well enough to
afford the new Kobes.

Pow!

- You didn't answer the question.

Because I'm being
intentionally vague.

Damn.

Learn to allow a little
mystery in your life.

Maybe I'm looking
at this all wrong.

- You know what Rita Gaines says?
- Who the f*ck is Rita Gaines?

- Famous entrepreneur.
- She was on "Shark t*nk."

And she says,

"Every red light turns
green eventually."

That's dumb as sh*t.

Look, I'm saying
this as your brother.

This is your life, Cregory.

- You gotta take action.
- What kind of action?

As soon as this lunch is over,

I want you to walk
into that guy's office,

shut the door, and don't leave

until he agrees to
listen to your pitch...

The entire pitch.

- f*ck it. You're right.
- g*dd*mn right, I'm right!

I've worked there
over six years.

- Six f*cking years.
- They can give me ten minutes.

- He can give you 20.
- He cangive me 20.

- 20 grand.
- 20 grand!

That's what the f*ck

I'm talkin' bout, Cre-gor-y!

What's up? Do we have a...

Mr. Franks, I need
$20,000 for a down payment

on a piece of swampland,
where I'm gonna grow

saw palmetto berries and
make a f*ck ton of money.

Did you know that most older men

suffer from enlarged prostates?

Well, these berries
shrink the prostate,

improve urination,
enhance hair growth,

and boost libido.

Pharmaceutical companies
are desperate for them,

but they only grow one
place in the world:

Coastal Flor...

Everybody down!

Down on the ground!

We don't need no heroes.

I don't wanna put no
b*ll*ts in the body.

- Nobody move, nobody gets hu...

I'm okay.

- Go and hit the alarm.

- But he's out there.

So what are you doing in here?

I was... my pitch!

- Your g*n's not even out.

- Oh, sh*t, I forgot I had it.
- All right!

You know what time it
is. Give me that g*n.

Pass the p*stol.

Son of a bitch.

- What?

I have no idea what
you talkin' about.

Oh, oh, you think all this
cash is from a bank robbery.

It's not.

Crazy story...

- I just found it.
- You know I got fired, right?

I lost my job 'cause of you!

No, you lost your job

'cause you weren't where
you were supposed to be.

'Cause you told me to go
in the manager's office

and shut the door.

That's on you!

You shouldn't be
taking advice from me.

I'm a known lowlife.
Take me and Dame.

He thinks I should get
golden contact lenses,

but I'm ignoring him
because that man is trash.

They make you look
like a wizard.

They make you bump into sh*t.

- What happened to you, Zay?
- Huh?

I knew about the
scams and the fraud,

but armed robbery?

Seriously?

Dad would be ashamed.

You're a disgrace to his name.

Hey, Dame, give us a second.

Oh, yeah, no doubt. No doubt.

No doubt. sh*t.

Oh, sh...

Ow. f*ck. My bad, man.

I... I'll fix that later,
you know what I'm sayin'?

f*ck with your
periphery and sh*t.

My bad, man.

That dude's a fool.

You see him fall off
the counter in the bank?

So I need a new partner.
You're unemployed.

That's what you
wanted to talk about?

Yeah, why you think I
sent Dame out the room?

Because I touched a nerve

with the stuff I said about Dad?

Oh. No, no. No, no.

That didn't affect me at all.

'Cause you know who was
a disgrace to Dad's name?

Dad.

He achieved nothing.
He ain't own nothing.

He d*ed with nothing.

But I did you dirty.
Here's 20 grand.

Go buy yourself some swampland.
Grow your damn d*ck berries.

Keep it.

I'll get my loan, and
I'll do it the right way.

All right, Rita. Let's go.

Power and glory.

It's 4:00 a.m. and
Miami is asleep.

But me? I'm wide awake.

Why? Am I out at the clubs?

Do I rise with the
European markets?

No. I just really have to pee.

This is an
all-too-familiar story

for a man of 40, 50, or even 60.

You're suffering from benign
prostatic hyperplasia.

In other words,

you have an enlarged
prostate, sir.

What's your favorite
Jamie Foxx movie?

E-excuse me?

My favorite of his,
definitely "Collateral."

- You know what he's great in?
- The new "Annie."

"Django" is f*cking rad.

They should teach
that sh*t in schools.

Bathroom is here.
Towels are clean.

What else?

Uh, don't tell anyone
I'm renting my place.

It's not really allowed.

Oh. Just here visiting family.

I don't even think
I'll be around much.

Okay, cool.

Well, I gotta get
to the airport.

I'm going to New York
for a business meeting.

- Right on, man.
- Enjoy the Big Apple.

- All right.
- All right.

- What the hell?

Hey!

Hey, what y'all doin' here?

Uh, yeah, I remember.

Why do you think I'm
at the car already?

Pfft. Am I living in here?

What, a man can't cook
breakfast in his own car

without living in it?

I have a friend in town.

I gave him my bed. Damn.

Oh, sh**t! Phone call.

Gotta cut this
conversation short.

I will take Vanessa
to school, though.

Oh, sh*t, it's a loan officer.

Foster Group. Craig
Foster speaking.

Hi, my name is Donald Assarian.

I'm from First
Florida Federated.

- Hello, Mr. Assarian.
- How can I help you?

I came across your
application on my boss' desk.

He wasn't interested
because you're...

Well, the point is,

I think it's an
interesting proposal.

Any chance you could take me by

to see the plot
you're looking at?

- Absolutely.
- What's a good time for you?

Could you meet me
there in an hour?

- Perfect.
- Yes, I'll see you there.

Thank you so much, Mr. Assarian.

Are you getting the loan?

- I'm getting the loan!

Well, it's not for sure yet.

He's gotta see the
property first.

Oh. My suit.

I gotta get my special suit.

Yo, sorry I can't take Vanessa.

I know.

I know. I know. I know.

But this is the moment my
life has been building up to.

It's my dream.

And it's the only way
I can make it happen.

I wanted to help
grieving families

cover the myriad costs
of burying a pet.

That was a good idea.

Until everybody got smartphones.

It's all the same!

It's one dream. It's
one f*cking dream.

I'm sorry.

But I really think
this is the one.

Also, since you
followed me in here,

I do not have a friend over.

That was obviously a lie.

I'm making some extra money

by renting my apartment
out to strangers.

I never, ever do this
when Vanessa's here, okay?

I swear to you, Camille.

Also, this guy is cool. I'm
a great judge of character.

I'm not just gonna
let anybody up in

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck?

The f*ck?

I know.

I know.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

I'm embarrassed.

I'm sorry.

But everything's gonna
be different after today.

I'ma get this loan.

It's all gonna be
different. I promise.

But right now, I gotta go. Okay?

I can't miss this. This...

sh*t!

My sausages!

I called the fire department.

Good, good. That was smart.

So can you take me...

Right, let's go.

- Uber, yeah. That's a good idea.

Ah, come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on.

Jillian G. Mercedes Benz.

Craig?

- Yeah.
- Hey. I'm Jillian.

This is my Mercedes!

You don't have to worry.

I'm not one of those
weird Uber drivers

that doesn't talk.

Kay.

Are you from around here?

- Yes.
- I'm from Australia.

Have you ever seen
the movie "Grease"?

Yeah.

Well, here's a little
secret for you.

Olivia Newton-John
is from Australia.

Sandy?

She played Sandy.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

I know who you're talking about.

Have you ever heard
of Nicole Kidman?

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I gotta take this.

She's Australian too.

What?

No "hello"? I see how it is.

Well, you're about to feel
real bad about being a d*ck

because I'm calling
to offer you a job.

What kind of job? A legal job?

That's a good question, Cregory.

Let me run it up the
ladder to my HR guy.

Get Dame to do it.

Nah, he's unavailable.

He had a little mishap
on account of those

dumb-ass wizard lenses.

Look, man, I'm just trying
to do your poor ass a favor.

- Just let me know if you're in.
- I'm not in.

My poor ass doesn't
need any favors.

As it so happens, I'm on my way

to a business meeting right now.

So thank you,

and go f*ck yourself.

Just call me after when
it doesn't work out.


Go f*ck yourself.

You're a businessman.

Very cool.

My father moved here
to be a businessman.

And then he d*ed.

- Sorry to hear that.
- It's all right.

It was sort of the best
age to lose your dad...

As a teenager.

So what's this big meeting?

- I'm trying to buy some land

so I could start a
saw palmetto farm.

- It's complicated.
- Wow.

I wish I was good at business.

I'm way in debt, which is crazy,

because I have so many jobs.

I Uber. I Lyft. I TaskRabbit.

I get paid by creeps online
to watch me eat bananas.

I do a little elder
care... Oh, sh*t!

What? Wh-wh-what?

Sorry, I just have to
do one thing real quick.

- No, I have a meeting.
- I know.

But this will just
take one second.

- Please?

- Pretty please?
- Fine, fine, fine.

Great.

What's the hammer for?

Hammering. Be right back.

What the f*ck?

Nearly done! Just wrapping up!

Oh, sh*t! f*ck you! Ah!

- Oh, sh*t!
- Ah!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

Hey, I'm just gonna
get another Uber.

No, no, no. I'm done!

I'm done.

Would you mind
sliding down a tad?

I'm gonna need a little
room for this guy.

- No, no, no, no, no, no!

No! No! No!

So you're probably
wondering about the snake.

Yeah, I'm wondering
about the f*cking snake.

That's exactly what I'm
wondering about, Jillian G.

It's all completely above board.

The state of Florida
pays me to do this job.

Check it out. I've
got a pamphlet.

Ten years ago, there
was a trend for people

to get Burmese pythons as pets.

They start out really cute.

- That can't be true.
- It is.

But then they got too big,

so everyone drove their
snakes out to the swamps

and set them free, but
they're not from here,

so nothing eats them,
but they eat everything.

- Birds...
- Okay.

- Alligators...
- Damn.

- Even other snakes.
- Nasty.

It's an ecological disaster.

So the state pays removal agents

100 bucks for every
dead python we bring in.

It's a quick and easy way
to earn some extra cash.

Didn't seem easy.

- They're not poisonous.
- They're really slow.

They're like big hot dogs

that can bite you or
squeeze you to death.

But also, they
can kind of smile.

You know, this has been very
informative and all that,

but you think we... hey!

Hey! It's alive!

You didn't k*ll
it!

- sh*t!
- Okay.

- Okay, okay.

- f*ck!
- Stay calm! Just remember!

It's more scared than you are!

That m*therf*cker's
not scared at all!

That must be the brain damage.

Sometimes they lose
all sense of reason.

- Grab its neck!

- That doesn't help.
- It's all neck!

sh*t! sh*t!

- Get off me!

- Hold on. Hold on.
- Get off me!

- Ow!
- Sorry!

Sorry!

- Ow!
- Sorry!

- sh*t!

- Ow, sh*t!

- Watch the road!

- The window won't k*ll it!

- sh*t!
- Oh, sh*t!

Okay, so I kind of feel
like I owe you an apology.

You were right.

The window thing worked.
You k*lled the snake!

That's not what you should be
apologizing for, Jillian G.

What do you think I
should be sorry about?

Everything!

The generalities of
this whole situation.

Okay, but the window
thing was super smart.

So many people overlook
the cerebral aspect

of snake-k*lling.

Hey, would you
ever wanna team up?

Your brains, my hammer?

I just wanna get to my meeting.

Does your car still drive?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

I'll just throw it in reverse
and get you there in no time.

My special suit.

I can't show up
looking like this.

Not a problem.

I have clothes you
could change into.

- Do you live in there?
- Yeah, it's great.

I got a bed.

I got a couple garbage
bags with my things.

That's pretty much it.

Where do you go to the bathroom?

Starbucks.

- It's actually awesome.
- It is?

Does your bathroom get
cleaned twice a day?

Look, this is very nice and
more than a little bleak,

but I don't think you
have anything in there

that'll fit me.

Oh, really?

- What the hell is that?
- My graduation gown.

Florida School of
Excellence, class of '07.

Go Titties!

The old mascot was r*cist,

so they let the students
vote on a new one.

That color does
really pop on you.

Quick tip, though...
Stay in the shade

because that fabric
melts in the sun

and it will burn your skin.

Mr. Assarian.

I'm Craig.

- What are you wearing?
- This?

Oh, it's a, uh

it's a gown.

Standard business casual gown.

Look, I have a
presentation for you, okay?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

It's 4:00 a.m.

Miami is asleep.

But I'm wide awake. Why?
Am I out at the clubs?

Do I rise with the
European markets?

No.

I just really have to pee.

This is a all-too-familiar-story

for a man of over
40, 50, or even 60.

What's the deal?

What's, uh, the deal?

Okay.

Look, I know this seems crazy.

I'm late. I show
up in a billboard.

When I was a kid, my dad told me

if I worked hard,
I could make it.

I could become rich.

"It won't be easy," he said,

"but you just gotta have faith."

And then he d*ed.

He wasn't rich. He
wasn't anything.

But I carried on his dream.

I just thought that,

you know, if I could
prove him right,

then his life would've
meant something.

His death would've
meant something.

And I waited and I worked
through setback after setback,

and it's just
getting so damn hard.

And I just wanted a sign...

Anything to tell
me to keep going.

So when you called this
morning out of nowhere,

that's what I'd
been waiting for.

It was like the
heavens opened up

and I could hear
the angels singing.

So now, if you say no,

it's not just that I won't
get to start my new business.

This is everything
I've ever believed in.

So I'm asking you,

please,

reward my faith.

f*ck him. That guy's a d*ck.

Do you mind if we
make a quick pit stop?

I feel like I'm going
above and beyond here

in my role as Uber passenger.

Okay, I didn't wanna
ruin the surprise,

but I'm gonna give
you the 100 bucks

to invest in your business.

What? Why?

Do you know why my graduation
gown wasn't melted?

I assumed because you were

sittin' in the
shade or whatever.

There's no shade

at the Florida
School of Excellence.

Wake up, man! I didn't graduate.

Remember when I said
16 was a good age

to have your dad die?

It wasn't. I tricked you.

I kind of stopped going
to school after that...

Stopped really doing anything.

Things have been tough since
then, and I don't know,

I just don't like to
see anyone else give up.

Well, I appreciate
it, Jillian G,

but 100 bucks ain't
gonna do sh*t for me.

- It might be 110.
- They pay by the foot.

So if you pull the skin
away from the meat...

I need $20,000.

Okay? So keep your money.

I'm done.

Okay.

Well, I guess I better
go find someone else

- to help me with this, then.
- Yeah.

Hey.

How'd the big
business meeting go?

You swimmin' in d*ck berries?

No. Look.

I'm calling to see if
you still have that

job opening available for me.

- The illegal one?
- The crime I'm doing?

I thought we were
being cagey about this.

Oh, no, that was
before I had a chance

to rub your moral
downfall in your face.

It's not a moral downfall.

Oh, it is.

We're gonna do such
f*cked up stuff together.

Hey, you think
you're in my head?

I know what you're
doing... Standin' out here.

It ain't gonna work.

What the f*ck are
you talkin' about?

Oh, you think we're
gonna be intimidated

'cause you got a 14-footer?

Think that makes
you the favorite?

Well, guess what?

My boy and I are gonna
eat your f*cking ass.

Dad.

Yeah, we're gonna be eatin'
out on your ass all day long.

- Dad!
- What, Corby?

What?

We're gonna eat his ass?

Yeah, well, we're gonna...

We're gonna kick his ass...
You know what I meant, okay?

Boy, I'm havin' a showdown here.

A man's showdown.
Don't undermine me.

Um, sorry, excuse me.

- What are you talkin' about?
- The contest.

The Florida Python Challenge.

It starts tomorrow. 30 days.

Whoever kills the most
snakes gets a grand prize.

- What kind of grand prize?
- Cash.

How much cash?

$20,000.

Zay,

I gotta go.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
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