01x09 - Desperate Measures

[bunniefuu]

- [line trilling]
- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Come on, pick up.
Pick up. Pick up!

911, what's your emergency?

- He sh*t him!
- He f*cking sh*t him!

I don't know why he
did it! He sh*t him!

He sh*t him! Jesus Christ!
[breathing heavily]

Uh, sir, this
connection isn't great.

I'm sorry. I didn't
hear any of that.

What? sh*t.

[grunting]

Can you hear me? Hello?

- Oh, there you are!
- Okay, much better.

Um, so what's your emergency?

- I am in the Everglades, okay?
- A man has been sh*t!

The man has been
sh*t. I need help.

Oh, my God. There's
so much blood.

Okay, I'm hearing
you are on a boat.

Um, Bob, we got
another boat emergency.

I'm not on a f*cking boat!

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- f*ck.
- Okay, I've lost you, sir.

I-I can't hear you at all.

- Sir?
- [groans]

Hello? Hello? Sir?

- Hello? Hello? Hello?
- How about this?

Oh, there you are!

Okay, great. Tell
me what's going on.

My name is Craig Foster.

I am in the Everglades
on a service road

- off of route 41.
- Uh-huh.

I have a man with me
who has been sh*t.

- Okay. Mm-hmm.
- He's not moving.

I don't know if he's alive.
I-I don't think he's breathing.

- I got it.
- I need an ambulance

right away!

- That's terrific.
- Thank you so much, Susan.

- Susan?
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I don't know if
you're still there,

I was just talking
to Susan, our IT gal.

She thinks the
problem's my headset.

So just drop anchor on
your boat and hang tight.

[yelling]

[breathes heavily]

[sighs] Let's give
him some space.

[breathes heavily]

- Oh, no.
- What the f*ck?

Is it filming us?

- Eat faster, snake!
- He don't speak English.

Come rápido.

Will you forget about
the f*cking snake?

We got to knock this
damn drone out the sky!

Give me your shoe.

- Hurry up.
- Wait, you're throwing it?

Why don't you use your own shoe?

- I see why.
- sh*t, where's it going now?

- Will you come on?
- I only got one shoe!

- In a swamp?
- What's wrong with you?

Fucker stopped again.

I'm taking care of
this sh*t right now.

- Zay, what the hell?
- Why do you have a g*n?

'Cause we're out here
disposing of a corpse, Craig.

That's classic activity
to bring a g*n to.

Well, nobody's gonna get
sh*t on account of us.

- Put that sh*t away.
- [stammers]

Away.

[person grunts] Shh,
somebody's coming.

Oh, yeah. Okay, got it.

Right over here. Oh, yeah.

- There she is.
- Yo, what's up, Brock?

- Ooh, the competition.
- That's your drone?

Uh-huh. Yeah, we're out here
getting footage for my channel,

except we're having problems
with the controller.

Um, actually, it's not the
controller, it's the...

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa...

Now, son, I know
we're a team, okay?

But I am the team leader,
so any feedback you have,

I need you to give
it to me first, okay?

Okay? Just into my ear, son.

Into my ear.

- [whispering]
- It's the video link.

We're having problems with
the video link, obviously.

Surprised you didn't know that.

So, if the video link is down,

does that mean you
weren't recording?

- [normal voice]
- No, it's recording just fine...

That's exactly right. Shh.

Corby. Come on.

Uh, no, the footage
is on the SD card,

but because there
is no video link,

we cannot see what
we were filming.

Hey, I don't want to lose
that gator sh*t, all right?

So, right when we get home,
we got to download that.

Okay, but I thought that we
were gonna go out to dinner

with Mom tonight...
You know, try and work

- on fixing things?
- Uh, yeah, Cor... okay.

Uh, okay, then maybe just
do it tomorrow, okay?

- Got you.
- Yeah.

I don't know what the
f*ck he's talking about.

[laughs] Work on things.
Marriage is fine, okay?

- Dad.
- Little kid's making sh*t up.

Dad, seriously, like,
we've talked about this.

Okay, yeah.

You're right. I'm not
gonna do that anymore.

I'm working on being
more emotionally truthful

with myself and with others.

So, uh, I have driven
my wife into an affair

out of my own negligence,
but I want to repair that,

and it is scary,
because I'm not sure

that she has any
love left for me.

Okay, cool, but that drone...

It's also scary

because the man she
has been sleeping wit

has an enormous penis.

I mean, it is both
thick and long.

- Jesus.
- I want you to think

- of a beautiful cactus.
- Dad.

- Just straight...
- Stop.

Well, that's what it
looks like, Corby.

- Just stop.
- Okay?

Hey, this is the emotional truth

- inside of me...
- Okay.

Because of what's been
inside of your mother.

All right? A big-ass dong.

That's what it is.
That's the facts.

Get the f*cking drone.
Come on, let's go.

God damn it. That's
my truth, son.

- That's my story.
- sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

- I'm feeling tacos.
- You down for tacos?

No, I'm not down for tacos.

Why aren't you freaking
out about this drone?

'Cause your boy
Zay's got a plan.

Now, we know Brock's going
out to dinner, right?

We break into his house.
We steal the drone.

Make it look like a burglary.

You still know
where my man lives?

Yeah, but we not
breaking into his house.

What if we get, I
don't know, arrested?

- You got a better idea?
- Yeah, I do, actually.

Look, Brock just wants
to be liked, right?

- Right.
- So we tell him

we been watching his videos

and we're inspired to
start our own channel.

We want to learn
from the master.

He invites us in his crew.
He shows us the drone.

We fly it. We crash it.

Boom! No more video.

Well, that's an elaborate
f*cking Scooby-Doo caper.

f*cking Glen-style plan.

- Who's Glen?
- Blonde dude with the scarf.

- That's Fred.
- I don't get you, man.

I mean, you're smart
enough to remember Fred

but dumb enough to think his
stupid-ass plan will work.

You know, we wouldn't
even be in this situation

if you just let me
pull my g*n out.

We would've put it right
in those dudes' faces...

Not to hurt 'em, just to
scare 'em a little bit.

I'm not gonna let you
pull a g*n out on someone

in front of their son.

We both know how that ends.

You still talking about
what happened with Dad?

[chuckles] You ain't over that?

No, I'm not, and
you're not either.

You already admitted
it in the swamp.

- sh*t.
- I did say that, didn't I?

- Mm-hmm.
- Just never gonna let me

- live that down, are you?
- Nope.

Okay, I won't bring the g*n.

But we got to break
into Brock's house.

That's our only option.

- Damn it.
- I'll pick you up at 7:00.

And bring your own ski mask.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Miami PD, don't move!
- [screams]

[grunts] Ow. [Body thuds]

Can you imagine coming home to
find someone in your shower?

What would you think,
huh? [chuckles]

Hey, come on out, honey.

I told him not to press charges.

- We weren't going to.
- She's your stepdaughter.

- She has keys to the house.
- Well, I'm a taxpayer.

You'd have to sh**t
her if I told you to.

I mean, she's also a taxpayer.

Actually, I'm not. Too poor.

[imitates g*nsh*t]

Okay.

You have a good night, ma'am.

Honestly, Jillian, you
scared me half to death.

I thought you were a burglar.

A burglar who wanted to shower?

There's a lot of sick
people out there.

You know, I saw a man at Publix

eating sour cream right
out of the dairy case.

Yes, I did know that.

It's been your number-one
story for the past eight years.

Both: He dipped a
raw potato in it.

You can't just keep
running up my water bill.

What's going on with
your little snake hunt?

I actually don't know.

Stuff's been really
weird with Craig.

And Craig is the guy you're
giving the prize money to,

even if it gets you deported?

- Doesn't matter, anyway.
- We're not gonna win.

[sighs] I've got to figure out
some way to make some money.

I can't even sell
my hair anymore,

since the wig lady said

my hair's gotten
worse than yak fur.

My hair's prettier than yak fur.

Well, look, I was having a drink

with my friend
Jennifer last week.

She said she might
have a job for you.

It's an entry-level
logistics position.

[sighs] Logistics!

That's one of those fancy words

that doesn't even mean anything.

Well, I'll have Jennifer
set up the interview, then.

[sighs]

Now that we're fixing your life,

will you please let me set
you up with Darla's son?

Isn't he under house arrest
for posing as a teen girl

on online forums and
encouraging other kids

to commit su1c1de?

- He drives an Audi, Jillian.
- You should be so lucky.

[breathing heavily]

Hey. Do we have any ski masks?

[vocalizing]

I'm going hunting with Jillian,

and it gets windy in the swamps.

No mask of any kind?

What the f*ck, bro?

Marco wore it trick-or-treating.

It don't even fit you!

He has a very petite
and feminine head.

I had to make it bigger for me.

It's still is a mask. It
still hides my likeness.

f*cking Fred m*therf*cker.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Wait, what if Brock has a dog?

How low is your opinion of me?

You know I watched all
this dude's videos.

I ain't see nothing
about no damn dog.

I did see him sobbing

about having to put his
golden retriever to sleep,

talking about, "We'll
never replace you, Bonnie."

I mean, come on, boss up, Brock.

I didn't even cry this much
when our pops got sh*t.

Yeah, but you still
lugging around

all that emotional baggage,
struggling to process the pain.

[sighs] God damn it, Isaiah,

just hold that
sh*t in next time.

♪ ♪

[door closes]

Let's get the drone
and get out of here.

Grab some other stuff too, so
it looks like a real robbery.

I could f*ck with a air fryer.

I heard it crisps the sh*t
out of some salmon skin.

- Will you come on?
- I'ma head to the back.

♪ ♪

f*cking Brock.

♪ ♪

Oh, sh*t.

- Zay!
- You think it's gross

to steal another
man's water flosser?

- We're at the wrong house!
- What?

We're at the neighbor's.

I never actually
went in with Brock

'cause he made us wait
outside... I got confused.

[laughs] You absolute amateur.

You complete...

[growls softly]

- What's up, bro?
- [growls]

All right, we
chillin'. We chillin'.

- [barking]
- [gasps]

Aah! Craig!

[screaming]

Hey! Get off him!

Get off him! Look
at me! Look at me!

♪ ♪

Why'd he stop? What you do?

- I don't know, I just...
- [growls softly]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Shh, shh. Easy, fella.
- [barking, growling]

What is happening?

I think this is
a MAGA household.

I think this dog
loves Donald Tr*mp!

♪ ♪

f*cking dog Republican.

f*cking can't wait
to lower dog taxes.

Come on, let's
just get the drone.

This must be Brock's house here.

You sure about that?

Your track record on this
is pretty damn spotty.

Yeah, this is it.

He's out to dinner,
so we can just...

Oh, sh*t.

God!

I didn't say that you couldn't
order the lobster, Brock.

I just said that you should
ask what the market price is.

Asking that makes us seem poor.

- We are poor, Brock.
- We're poor, okay?

- And we are not lobster people.
- Don't say that!

We are lobster people!

Okay? I'm a lobster man.

You are a lobster woman,
and Corby is a lobster...

What the f*ck you doing here?
This about the snake hunt?

No, it's just that
we saw your videos,

and we were inspired to
start our own channel.

So we were hoping to watch you
film and learn from the master.

You know what I mean? [Chuckles]

You came all the way out here
in the middle of the night

- to tell me that?
- Absolutely.

Okay, well, finally

someone who appreciates me.

[groans] Yeah.

Oh.

- Who are you?
- Isaiah, Craig's brother.

I'm so excited to
work with you, man.

[inhales sharply, groans]

Things haven't been easy lately.

I've been working seven,
eight jobs at once.

I Uber. I Lyft. I TaskRabbit.

I get paid by creeps online

to watch me lick the last bit
of pudding out of containers.

I'm desperate.

Now, I know desperation isn't
what you're looking for.

You probably want someone
who went to a fancy college

or has logistics experience.

[knock at door] [spits, sighs]

I've told you a thousand times,

this bathroom is
for customers only.

I am a customer.

I bought this earlier
before your shift started.

You got that from the trash.

I'd like to see you try
to prove it, Caitlin!

My desperation isn't
a weakness, though.

My desperation is a strength,

because if you give me this job,

I will treasure that paycheck

like I have just
won the lottery.

Um, oh, you just
missed my house.

Oh, sorry. I got distracted.

But I'm late for
my job interview,

so I'm just gonna drop you
here, and you can walk, okay?

- I have to cross a freeway.
- Thank you!

Look both ways!
Five stars, please!

I Uber. I Lyft. I TaskRabbit.

I get paid by creeps
online to watch me lick

the last bit of pudding
out of containers.

I'm desperate.

Jillian, honey, relax.

You got the job. This
is just a formality.

Your step mom told me
what you've been up to,

and you're perfect for this.

- I'm sorry.
- What is the job exactly?

You'll be working
at the airport.

Do you remember Sully?

The guy who landed the
plane in the river?

After a bird flew
into his engine.

Exactly! He was a hero.

He saved all those people.
That's gonna be you.

I'm gonna land planes?

You're gonna k*ll birds

so they don't fly
into jet engines.

Go out to the runways,
find where they're nesting,

poison them, and
squash their young.

- Squash their young?
- Just with your foot.

Or you can use a special
rock we can provide you with.

I mean, technically,
though, that is a rental,

so it comes out
of your paycheck.

Totally up to you.

I thought this was more of
a professional position...

Logistics.

Well, Angelica said
you've been k*lling snakes

and that you loved it.

I mean, she said this
was your calling.

f*cking Angelica.

What are we doing
here at 8:00 a.m.?

Whoa, I didn't know
you were in the union.

Sorry for getting you up a
bit early, Mr. SAG-AFTRA.

Okay, some of us want
to make good content,

as opposed to sitting around
and scratching our balls.

All right? Now, Corby
couldn't be here

because, you know, he can't
miss any more classes.

[blows raspberry,
chuckles] Am I right?

- Yeah, totally.
- [blows raspberry]

Okay, he gets it.

All right, so today
you guys are my crew.

Either one of you, uh, think
you can handle a camera?

I mean, it doesn't
seem that hard.

- Yeah?
- Well, it's real f*cking hard.

You got to have a good
eye, visual instincts.

Pop quiz... Which
side is my good side?

The right one.

Okay, well, now you
just sh*t my confidence

straight to f*cking hell, okay?

They're both my good side.

Your job is to make the
star feel beautiful, okay?

- 101.
- You look fine.

And I'll be your cameraman.

Matter of fact, I have this idea

for this dope drone sh*t,
okay? We gonna come in...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No drone sh*t. Drone is
for setting the scene.

When you're filming me,
you got to get in close.

I want you to get
the raw human emotion

in both of my eyes, okay?

So no drone. You always
get my good side.

They're both your good side.

Okay, you overdid it.

Okay, now I can't trust
you. [fork clatters]

Now I got to go find
a f*cking mirror

and figure out what's
goin on with my left side.

- f*ck.
- [sighs]

- Great plan, Craig.
- [sighs]

Now, the guy before
that, his name was Roy.

He saw a little wire
sticking out of the ground,

and he touched it, and
then he just got fried.

Oh, there's one.

Put it in the grack sack.

"Grack sack"?

The birds out here
are mostly grackles,

so we call it the grack sack.

Grack like grackle, sack like...

Sack.

[airplane engines
roaring overhead]

[Jillian screams]

Don't worry! You get used to it!

I don't even notice it anymore.

Is that because of
extreme hearing loss?

I mean, yeah, that's
a huge part of it.

[sighs]

Everything okay?

[sighs] You know I was
meant to be a business lady?

- Saw palmetto berries.
- What are those?

It's actually pretty cool.

They get processed into pills

that shrink the prostate,
improve urination,

enhance hair growth,
and boost libido.

It's a billion-dollar
international industry,

- by the way.
- Wow.

Yeah, but it's
never gonna happen.

Well, maybe you'd be interested

in a different but equally
exciting opportunity.

Have you heard of Scentala?

- What?
- Scentala.

It's the premier brand of
luxury soaps and lotions

for working moms and
stay-at-home women.

Well, I don't even
have my own shower,

so I probably shouldn't
be buying any soap.

I don't want you to
buy soap, Jillian.

I want you to sell it.

I'm offering you a chance
at financial independence.

Did you know I've been making
a k*lling working from home?

Except you're not
working from home.

You're working in a
field by the airport.

- [clicks tongue]
- But I'm making a k*lling.

[chuckles - k*lling grackles.

[airplane engines
roaring overhead]

[screams]

[grunts]

f*ck it, Cheryl.

Let's just do your
pyramid scheme.

Yes!

- What is this fool doing?
- Push-ups.

Shh, he gonna hear you.

Man, we ain't got
time for this sh*t.

- I'ma end this right now.
- Zay.

- We said no g*ns.
- I'm sorry, bro.

But you ain't gonna
get that drone, I will.

Jesus, relax. Put it away.

I'm on it.

Hey, Brock.

- Brock!
- Oh! Hey.

Do not interrupt me when I'm
getting psyched up, okay?

Once my juices are flowing,
I'm like an animal.

You're lucky I didn't reach
up and snatch off your cr*ck.

- Whoa, sh*t.
- What's the g*n for?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I seen some big ol'
gators out here recently.

Why? You scared?

I just want to talk
about the drone.

No! We're not doing the drone.

Hear me out, hear me out, okay?

I got this idea for a sh*t.

We start in real close,
get the lines of your face.

And then you say something
like, "This is snake country."

I go back and back and
back and capture you

and the vastness of all
the swamp around you.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, that could be pretty cool.

But, you know, that drone
gets stuck in a tree...

The reason I'm pushing so hard

is 'cause I have a lot
of experience with drones

from my time in the Air Force.

- Oh, you served?
- 143rd squadron.

143rd? Flying Tigers!

What you know about
the Flying Tigers?

- I know my sh*t.
- [laughs]

Yeah, I almost enlisted,

but they said my
testosterone was too high.

Well, f*ck me.

I didn't know we had
an airman in the crew.

Let's get the drone.

- Gear up.
- Gear up.

Yeah.

So how does Scentala work?

I mean, honestly, the
soaps sell themselves.

Everybody loves the packaging.

There's fun, new scents
introduced constantly.

Literally, the only
issue I ever run into

is people getting sick.

- What do you mean "sick"?
- The soaps cause disease.

But the packaging
is so beautiful.

I mean, they modeled it
on Parisian wallpaper.

[gasps] I'm gonna get my
sample kit from the car.

[airplane engines
roaring overhead]

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, oh,
sh*t! [exclaims]

Are you okay?

No, I just saw the biggest snake

I've ever seen in my life!

Oh, it's probably a python,
but don't be scared.

They'll ignore you
if you ignore them.

- He tried to bite me!
- Really?

That's weird... They're
usually not aggressive

unless you att*ck
them or unless...

[percussive music]

Where was this snake exactly?

♪ ♪

[drone buzzing]

Hey, you have to say "action."

Action!

Welcome to the Everglades,
river of grass,

,000 square miles
of hot, wet swamp...

Mm. "Hot, wet swamp"?

That sound too
horny to you guys?

- [scoffs] No.
- I liked it.

Okay, you're a f*cking pervert.

It was too horny. I'ma go again.

From the top, reset.
[whistles] Okay.

Okay, Craig, you
have to say "action."

If you do not say "action,"

I don't know what
we're doing out here.

- Action.
- [sighs]

Action.

Welcome to the Everglades,
a river of grass

8,000 square miles of
deep, wet swampland.

f*ck!

Maybe just avoid the word "wet."

I had more of a
problem with "deep."

Just shut the f*ck
up, all right?

Everyone shut the f*ck up.

- Shut the f*ck up!
- I'm trying to help.

- Say "action."
- Action.

Welcome to the
Everglades, river of grass

8000 square miles
of thick, meaty...

Nah! Mm, I'm gonna take it back.

I'm gonna take it
back. [clears throat]

How about you just
clear your head?

- Get all the sex words out.
- Okay. Okay.

Hot, wet, deep, slick, moist,

sticky, tingly,
tickle, tongue, hard.

All right, I'm
getting all worked up.

I'ma call it. Action!

Welcome to the
Everglades, river of grass

8,000 square miles of danger.

Hiding out there, a
k*ller... Burmese python...

One of nature's most
feared assassins.

[claps hands] This
is snake country.

[dramatic music]

f*ck, yeah. That
was f*cking good.

Okay, okay. Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, not too far.

Hey, Craig knows
what he's doing.

Yeah, yeah. I got this.

- sh*t! sh*t!
- Pull up, man!

- You got to pull up!
- It's not responding to me!

Oh, you better do
something, man.

I'm trying!

This is an expensive
drone, Craig!

I am trying! There's
nothing I can do right now.

[drone buzzing]

- What the f*ck?
- What the f*ck?

Yeah.

See, what you guys didn't know

is you can override the
remote with your phone.

So, um, how about you tell me

what the f*ck is going on?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, fellas!

143rd air squadron ain't the
Flying Tigers, by the way!

It's the Rhode Island
Air National Guard...

- The Rhode Warriors.
- That's right. I forgot!

It's been so long since
I lived in Rhode Island.

Quit f*cking lying to me
and tell me what's going on!

[suspenseful music]

Your drone
accidentally filmed us

- disposing of a dead body.
- Shut the f*ck up, Craig!

- But we didn't k*ll anyone.
- My brother got mixed up

with some dangerous
people, and they said

if he didn't get
rid of this body,

- they were gonna hurt him.
- That's what this is about?

You didn't want
to learn from me?

You wanted to destroy my drone?

- I was scared.
- I couldn't tell you the truth.

- And you shouldn't have.
- But now that you know,

will you delete the
footage, please?

- I'm asking as a friend.
- A friend.

We're not friends.

- Did you even watch my videos?
- Yeah!

- All of 'em.
- Which one was your favorite?

The one where your dog d*ed.

- It was raw.
- It was emotional.

Yeah, it was a tough day.

I miss that bitch.

But, you know, if the pain in me

affected you and you
felt something...

[inhales deeply,
groans] I did my job.

I really enjoyed
filming with you today.

This has been one of
the most informative...

Craig?

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

How'd you find us?

We set up our phones to
track each other, remember?

And I wanted to
surprise you, but...

Did you say you were
making videos with Brock?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, we were
filming something, yeah.

Well, guess what I brought you.

- What the f*ck is that?
- Python eggs.

Yeah, the snake Cheryl
found was guarding a nest.

- Who's Cheryl?
- My grackle-k*lling partner.

Keep up, Isaiah.
Use context clues.

Didn't seem like
many were provided.

There must be 80 eggs in here.

107, which counts as 214
feet of snake in the hunt.

We hand that in,
we're in first place.

That grack sack
is worth $20,000.

Oh, my God, Jillian G.!

That's not my name!

Jillian G. Is my Uber handle.

I'm more than your
Uber driver, Craig.

- I know, we're friends.
- I thought that.

I also thought we were partners,

but then you deserted me.

I mean, when you blew me off
to hang out with your brother,

I got that, that's
family, but Brock?

f*cking Brock? We hate Brock.

- We don't hate Brock.
- Yes, we do!

We laugh at how he pretends
to be this tough, manly man,

but then he's always
just fixing his hair.

- Oh, 'c-cause I have to, okay?
- I'm an on-camera personality.

I didn't have to come here.

I really need that money

way more than I need to invest

in some stupid
saw palmetto farm.

But I couldn't let Craig down,
Craig and his f*cking dream,

because nobody else has dreams.

I know you have dreams,
Jillian... Jillian.

Okay, if I have dreams,
then what are they?

I'm not actually sure.

Well, neither am I, but
that's not the point.

The point is I have
them, and they matter,

and... and I'm keeping
the grack sack.

You don't get the grack sack.

I wish I wasn't saying
"grack sack" so much.

Goodbye, Craig!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hold the phone.

Come on, come back.

Come on. Everyone
just settle down.

You don't have to worry
about these guys choosing me

over you, sweetheart,
you understand that?

- This guy f*cking hates me.
- I don't!

The only reason they're
hanging out with me

is they're trying to
destroy some footage

- I accidentally got of them.
- Don't do this, man.

Footage of them trying
to dispose of a corpse.

- That's not true, is it?
- No.

Yes.

But we didn't k*ll anybody.

Zay got in some trouble, and
I was trying to help him out.

That's why I was
blowing you off.

- But...
- you could've said something.

I didn't want to
drag you into this.

I didn't want to see
you getting hurt.

Oh, Jesus Christ, all right,
that's all very f*cking sweet.

All right? Now, listen to me.

You have a choice to make.

You can give me
those python eggs.

I'll wipe out this footage.
No one will ever see it.

Or if you want to keep
them, that's cool, too.

They're yours, but
I'ma take this drone

and go right to the cops.

Mm, seems like a
pretty good deal.

- I'd take it.
- No.

You don't have to do this,
not if you need the money.

Craig, what the
f*ck are you doing?

We can handle this on our own.

How? How are we gonna
handle this on our own?

Jillian, I'm sorry, but
you're gonna have to let

this man blackmail you, okay?

I'm sure Craig will
get you back, yeah?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Here.

♪ ♪

- [laughs]
- All right, and, hey, listen,

I'm a man of my word, so
here's what I'ma do...

I'ma wipe this drone clean.

See that?

It's been a pleasure
doing business with you.

Hey, try not to get
bit by anything.

- Whoa.
- Give me those eggs.

Now, who the f*ck is this now?

- Condom Carl?
- What did you just call me?

- Carlos, your name.
- No, no, no, no.

Say it again. Say what you said.

Condom Carl.

Do you know how many jobs
I had at that putt-putt?

I put in all the greenery.

I was in charge of pest control.

I did windmill repair!

But you pick up
one f*cking condom!

We were told it was
a lot more than one.

It doesn't matter how
many condoms there were!

Not in the grand scheme of
things, but if you're wondering

about the root of
the nickname...

I want those f*cking snake eggs.

Yeah, well, I want
you to suck my d*ck

and play with my balls,
but I don't think

either of those things are
gonna happen, muchacho.

You b*rned down my shed.

I was gonna win $20,000,
and you took that from me.

I've been following you around
for weeks, trying to figure out

how to get my revenge,
and now I know.

I ain't admitting to burning
down any f*cking putt-putt,

but if I did, I'd be justified.

You were cheating.

You don't deserve
this f*cking money.

I'm married to a 92-year-old.

- What?
- What?

10 years ago, I married
an 82-year-old woman

because she was sick
and I was her nurse

and I thought I would
inherit her house.

It was just supposed
to take a few months,

but she made a
miraculous recovery,

and now she just won't die!

And she is so mean to me.

I'm not sure I see the point
in what you're trying to...

I do deserve this money!

You don't know how
much I've struggled!

- f*ck your struggles.
- We've all struggled, man.

Your struggles don't
make you special.

No, no, no, no, no, you're
not sh**ting anybody, okay?

I'm getting it all on film.

It's all backed up to the cloud.

My name's Brock Telemeyer.

Make sure to check out
my YouTube channel.

[clicks tongue]

You heard him. You're
not gonna sh**t anybody.

So, with all due respects,
get the f*ck out of my way.

- Give me those eggs!
- m*therf*cker.

- Give me those eggs!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Give me the f*cking eggs!
- Hey!

- Give me the eggs!
- Hey!

- My f*cking eggs!
- You gonna sh**t somebody!

["A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall"]

♪ Oh, where have you
been, my blue-eyed son? ♪

♪ Where have you been,
my darling young one? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I've stumbled on the side
of 12 misty mountains ♪

♪ I've walked and I've crawled
on six crooked highways ♪

♪ I've stepped in the middle
of seven sad forests ♪

♪ I've been out in front
of a dozen dead oceans ♪

- ♪ It's a hard ♪
- ♪ Hard ♪

- ♪ And it's a hard ♪
- ♪ Hard ♪

- ♪ And it's a hard ♪
- ♪ Hard ♪

- ♪ And it's a hard ♪
- ♪ Hard ♪

♪ And it's a... ♪

All: ♪ Hard rain's
a-gonna fall ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ And what did you hear,
my blue-eyed son? ♪

♪ And what did you hear,
my darling young one? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I heard the sound
of a thunder ♪

♪ That roared out a warning ♪

♪ Heard the roar of a wave

♪ That could drown
the whole world ♪

♪ Heard 100 drummers whose
hands were a-blazing ♪

♪ Heard 10,000 whispering
and nobody listening ♪

- ♪ It's a hard ♪
- ♪ Hard ♪

- ♪ And it's a hard ♪
- ♪ Hard ♪

- ♪ And it's so hard ♪
- ♪ Hard ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh, hard ♪
- ♪ Hard ♪

♪ And it's a... ♪

All: ♪ Hard rain's
a-gonna fall ♪

♪ ♪

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.