01x03 - A Warm Body

[bunniefuu]

[groans softly]

[groans]

Ay ay ay.

Oh, God.

Okay, I can do this.

Oh, a f*ck pile.

["Dreams-Come-True Girl" playing]

[groans]

[groans]

♪ You're not my dream girl ♪

♪ You're not my reality girl ♪

[urinating]

♪ You're my dreams-come-true girl ♪

[Nadia] A guy peeing.

Oh, what the hell?

Listen, has anything weird happened
to you in this bathroom? Like...

This. This is a little weird.

Touché.

[toilet flushes]

[water running]

f*cking clues abound.

♪ Ooh, take me dancing tonight ♪

All right, f*ck this. [grunts]

Ain't no problem. No problem.

Here we go. Downsy-wounsy.

Old buildings are never good.

Haunted castle.

Okay.

It's... It's not the ketamine.
It's the f*cking yeshiva.

Oh, hello. Lovely cart.

Uh, do you happen to know
about the history of this building?

The Jewish people? Nothing?

f*cking fire escape.

[Maxine] Everyone.
Everyone has opened up their marriage.

I wish I had a marriage to open up.

- [Lizzy] You won't.
- [Maxine] You're so mean.

- [Lizzy] Get rid of Opening Up.
- [Maxine] No.

Can I get it on Kindle?

I don't want to do a podcast.

[Lizzy] I don't think you listen
to podcasts the way I do.

There's so many and they're...

- Hey, hey, hey.
- [Lizzy] Hi.

Hi.

All right, so, uh, yes,
this building is a yeshiva,

but have you ever you ever noticed
that there is an inscription over the door

that is incredibly, highly creepy?

- [Lizzy] Mmm.
- What does it mean?

Don't you know? You're Jewishy.

No, not by choice.

Hey, come on.
Religion is dumb as f*ck, all right?

It's r*cist. It's sexist.

There's no money in it... anymore.

Who needs it?

Maxine, come on. Help me out.
What does this say?

[Maxine] Um, I can't see
what you're showing me

because you have a code review at 11:30
and John wants his blanket back.

This f*cking guy.

You know, he put his coat over me
while I was sleeping,

and I'm like,
"Don't do sh*t like that, man."

You know, it's been six months.

You don't do that. I could have bed bugs.

I forgot that you're turned off
by chivalry, but it's sweet.

Yeah, well, so is cyanide.

Is cyanide sweet, though?

Is that why Jimmy Jones used it
in the Kool-Aid,

so the kids can't taste it?

[Lizzy] Jones sounds bonkers.
Have you seen those pictures?

They're amazing. Maybe that should be
our next installation.

- [Maxine] Yes!
- [Lizzy] Right? Something Jonestown.

- [Maxine] Maybe I should start a religion.
- [Lizzy] Okay.

[Maxine] Then I could really
make an impact.

Okay, big ideas. Look at this.

Dolores Huerta.

Eighty-seven years old. I mean...

Do you even understand
how much time you have left, Maxine?

Yeah.

I mean, you're gonna do
f*cking huge things. Huge.

Thanks.

Oh, I didn't know you cared
about stuff like this.

Oh. Well, I don't really. Look.

- What does this say?
- [Maxine] I don't know.

The congregation
that used to own this building.

Yep, that's them.

And they're still around.
I think on 14th Street.

f*ck yes.

Dolores Huerta.

Hey! Shabbat shalom.

It's not Shabbat.

Fine by me. Hi.

I'm Nadia.

Sorry I'm a little out of breath.
I was just grabbing you a mango.

Do you like mango?

It was on the way, sort of, so...

Sure, take it.

What's your name?

Shifra.

Hi, Shifra.

I was wondering if I could ask you
about one of these synagogue's properties.

It's the old yeshiva on 10th and A.
It's a bunch of lofts now.

Oh, before my time.
The rabbi might know, but...

- Oh, thank you so much.
- Oh, no, no, no.

The rabbi is getting ready
to go to Great Neck.

He's giving a speech.
It's kind of a big deal.

So I'm afraid
he doesn't have time for you.

That's fine. I don't mind Great Neck.
I love Great Neck.

Well, it's a problem for him because
he doesn't have time for you, okay?

So why don't you come back another day?
Make an appointment.

See, here's the thing. Uh...

I think I might only have the day
that the rabbi goes to Great Neck.

I'm not just gonna let you go in
and see the rabbi.

Not just some single woman
off the street.

What, you... you think
I'm gonna try to sleep with the rabbi?

I don't know
what you're capable of trying.

For the record,
I happen to be a heavily married woman.

Wonderful.

- It is.
- Why don't you bring your husband by?

- And he can speak to the rabbi.
- Okay.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- He can speak to the rabbi.
- Not a problem.

- Well, I'm ordering a car.
- Okay.

Hi. I'd like to order a car.

And... yes, to Long Island, 1:45.

Thank you.

[phone vibrates]

- Hey.
- [Nadia] Hey, poppy cock.

- Thanks for picking up.
- It was nice seeing you last night.

[Nadia] Yeah, well, you know, hocus pocus.

Thanks to you, I got a chance to wear
my trench coat today. I look like Columbo.

- Oh. No one's mad at Peter Falk, right?
- [John] Sure.

Uh...

I... I need your help. Uh...

I'll explain when you get here.

Well, you know, I have
a real estate mystery/emergency.

I can't. I'm actually walking
into a client meeting like in ten minutes.

For what? Uh...

To sell some New York landmark
to a Russian billionaire

who needs a dorm room for a parrot?

- [John] Okay, that's not entirely fair.
- Ah, so you admit it's a little fair.

Hey, listen, if you get over here,
I'll give you a blowjob.

If I come down there,
you'll give me a blowjob?

I would suck your cock anyway,

but if you come down here,
it'll give it a transactional nature

that I think would be a fun twist.

[John] Okay. Which precinct?

Uh, I'm not at a precinct, all right?

I'm actually at a synagogue
on, uh, 14th street.

- Bishulim Synagogue.
- This better not be a hate crime.

[John] Thank you.

[Nadia] Shalom, shalom!

Let's move it.

This is a place of worship.
This means something to me.

I was raised Catholic.

Right, but you f*ck like a Jew.

- That is not a bad thing.
- Really?

All right, I have this list of questions
for the rabbi, okay?

[slurping]

[footsteps approaching]

[gasps] Shifra.

Hey.

Look who it is. It's my husband, John.

I don't see a ring.

Look.

Between us, I'm 36, no kids,
lots of fibroids.

Plus, I've got this thing
just stuck in my hair.

I brought you a man.

Can you just... help me out a little?

Just so you know, I'm not Jewish,
but I am circumcised.

Well, 50-50.

[sighs]

I have fibroids, too.

[knocking on door]

Come in, come in. Sit down.

- Who are you?
- John Reyes.

Lutz and Reyes Real Estate.

I just have a couple of questions
about the old yeshiva on Tenth and A.

Oh. I went to school there.

My first memory's hiding under a desk.

It was supposed to protect us
from the atomic b*mb blast.

Can you believe it?

What's on that paper?

Um...

[sighs]

Are there any history
of hauntings in the building?

Supernatural events, the dead coming
back to life, things of that nature?

You said you were in real estate?

[Nadia sighs]

I, uh... I've been watching you, Shifra.

I got to tell you,
I don't think your heart is in this place.

- Excuse me?
- You heard me.

- I mean, do you even know the prayers?
- Yes, I know the prayers.

All right. Uh...

What's the prayer for drinking wine, huh?

Borei pri hagafen.

Okay, too easy.

Uh...

What about for protecting
someone in danger? Do you know that one?

I know the prayers.

Like, if a person could die.
How does that go?

Come sit.

[John] My ex found out about her
and she threw me out.

My daughter thinks I'm an assh*le.

I really thought
I wanted to be with Nadia,

who turned around and said
that was too much pressure...

- which hurt.
- [rabbi] Listen.

Mysticism teaches that there is wisdom
inaccessible to the intellect.

You can only reach it through surrender,
being nothing.

Turn away from the physical world
and turn toward the spiritual one.

Maybe Nadia
is just a way to stay distracted,

avoid the abyss,

when embracing it is the only way forward.

[John] Right.

And that building she's asking about
isn't really haunted?

Buildings aren't haunted.

People are.

[Shifra speaking Hebrew]

- What does that mean?
- Angels are all around us.

You can't drink that.

[gulps] Ah.

Correct.

It's undrinkable.

Listen, uh, thank you for the prayer.
I appreciate it.

I mean, it won't do anything,
but, uh, you know, thanks.

Shifra.

- Rabbi, thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

[Nadia sighs]

We're done here. Let's go.

John, John, John, come on. Just stop.
You know I'll catch up with you, John.

John!

What was that about? You wanna tell me?

What were those questions?
You having a mental issue?

Did you k*ll someone?

God. Seriously? Come on.
No, I did not k*ll somebody.

If I k*lled somebody, I'd play it cool,
move to Mexico, start a band.

Then what is the problem?

Will you just tell me what the rabbi said?

No, no, no. It's been six months.
I kept my distance. I gave you your space.

Then I get a text inviting me
to your birthday party.

- Maxine invited you.
- A transactional blowjob

with a side of rabbi.
What is going on with you?

- Do you want to know?
- Yes.

I can't tell you, okay?

There's too many moving parts.
You know what I mean?

It's a lot of ins and outs, so...

I blew up my life, and that's not on you.

But if you could acknowledge
that it happened, that would be great.

It happened, John.

I know it happened.

Thank you.

- [John] I don't want to rip your hair out.
- [groaning]

- It's like a little...
- Ooh.

Too-doo!

- Careful.
- [Nadia gasps]

- Look at that.
- Ah, mamma mia.

Now can you turn it into a bistro chair?

Of course. I was a waiter in college.

- Wow.
- And very high.

Good for you. That's good.

It's 6:30.

It's late. I've never lasted this long.

[laughs] Wait, hold on.

Let me back up my truck
of double entendres.

Before you do that,
what did the rabbi say?

Nothing. That they sold the building
'cause nobody wanted to be there.

He talked about mysticism
and how there's wisdom through surrender.

Why does this interest you so much?
What is it about that building?

Are you okay?

Eh. Come on. I'm fine.

- I miss you.
- Right.

People miss people. I miss you, too.

Specifically, how do you miss me?

Mmm...

You know, I don't have specifics.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- What?

Look, I know it's not gonna be as exciting
as when we were, like, sneaking around,

but I think we have
something really, really good

and it's worth pursuing.

And it might be the best
either one of us can do.

Hmm.

Yeah. Well...

[grunts]

You know, thank you...

for, uh, this, which is f*cking adorable.

Thank you for
that depressingly pragmatic sales pitch,

but I actually have, uh, lots of time.

Uh, too much, in fact.

- Where are you going? Are you leaving?
- Yeah, I gotta go.

- This is your apartment.
- Wow, you really are in real estate.

We are not getting back together.

No. No, John.
We are not getting back together.

I mean, especially not
when your best argument is a warm body.

Why is it so offensive to you
to consider me as a real option?

[sighs]

You know what?

Sure. All right? Why not?

I want to be with you, John.

- For the rest of my life.
- No, no.

Oh, no.

- You're such a f*cking assh*le.
- [Nadia] No, no, no.

- If it makes you happy...
- [John] f*ck you.

...we're together... forever.

- I'm in.
- You have no f*cking respect for me.

- I'm all the way in, John.
- [John] f*cking piece of sh*t.

First of all, this is my coat.
Thank you very much.

You know what else the rabbi said?

Okay? He goes, "You're using her
as a distraction from the abyss,"

but he's wrong, because you are the abyss.

I promise
you just feel that way right now.

No, I promise you
I feel like that all the f*cking time.

I don't f*cking need this sh*t.

["Caldera, Caldera!" playing]

[Nadia] Oatmeal.

♪ Come, Caldera
Bring them to their feet ♪

Oatmeal!

[men speaking indistinctly]

Oatmeal.

- [Nadia] Ow!
- [man] Whoa! What the f*ck is this?

Pardon me!

- Yeah, go home, lady.
- You go home, lady.

You go home. Unibrow.

♪ Oh, caldera ♪

[Horse] What's on your head?

I said, "What's on your head?"

Is that a wig or a hat?

Where's your shoes, man?

Mmm, someone stole them
last night at the shelter,

so I'm not going back there, not ever.

I don't sleep among thieves.

And someone stole your shoes?

Hey, what the f*ck is going on
in America, huh?

- What's your name. Do I know you?
- No, you can call me Horse if you want.

All right, Horse. I'm Nadia.
You want some?

- Can I tell you something?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know.

Mmm. I wouldn't tell me anything,
you know, if I was you,

because I'm just not the kind of person
that you tell secrets to. Uh...

I'm the abyss.

[both laugh]

- I want to cut your hair.
- Yes.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Come here.
- Okay.

Okay.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

[thuds]

[Nadia] Okay.

You're gonna k*ll me.

- I'm not.
- [tools clatter]

You can change your mind.

Okay.

Oh.

You see this?

This is the old you.

This is who you were
day after day after day,

but it's gone now.

[gulps]

'Cause this...

[exhales]

This is the new you.

Now you can be...

whoever you want to be.

I'll never understand
why you're being nice to me.

Look.

I look like my mom.

[laughs]

Is that a good thing?

- This blanket sucks.
- Yeah.

Downtown.

Eat a d*ck.

Okay, baby.

It's f*cking cold.

[wind whistles]

[knock on door]

[water running]

I froze to death.

Jesus f*cking Christ, that's dark.

["Gotta Get Up" playing]

[knocking on door]

[knocking intensifies]

Of course.

♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out ♪

♪ Gotta get home
Before the morning comes ♪

Sweet birthday baby!

Ah, I got to go, Max.

The party's been grand,
but I got to go check on a guy.

Nads, what the f*ck?

I'm sorry. It's important.

[Maxine] What's important?

Well, it's not gonna be
important to you, you know.

I have a lot of interests and I find
a lot of different things important.

Look, I think a guy who gave me a haircut
yesterday may have d*ed tomorrow

and I don't know how tomorrow deaths work
when it's yesterday again.

I mean, is he in yesterday
or does he even exist?

I just don't know how these deaths
work for other people, okay?

And this is fundamental stuff, Maxine,
so I really need to know, okay?

- Sounds important.
- Bye.

The fire escape.

What a c**t.

Horse!

[cell phone vibrates]

- Help.
- [John] Hello.

- Nadia?
- [Nadia] Hey.

Good to hear your voice.
It's been a long time.

- Yeah.
- [John] Listen.

Maxine invited me to your party.
Are you here?

Uh, no. No, I'm not.

Uh, I'm trying to find this guy
I met the other night.

Oh. Wow, okay. Well, that's a...
that's a good way to make me feel special.

All right, listen, you sick f*ck.
It's not a sex thing.

Actually, he's a homeless guy.

Like a major... Basically owns Tompkins.

[John] It's not a sex thing.
He's homeless.

Well, at least your taste in men
has improved.

Uh, it's not cool to make fun
of homeless people, John.

I'm not making fun of homeless people.
I'm at your party. You're not here.

I want to see you.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh! Found him.

Or at least, uh, I found his stuff.
But you know, that means that he's around.

I think I finally figured out a little
something about how this world works.

[John] Well, you should.
You're 36 years old.

Are you coming back here soon?
'Cause I would like to see you.

Um, actually, I'm not coming back there.

Uh, why don't you, um, go home
with someone else, all right?

- Go home with someone you actually like.
- What does that mean?

Look. Do you see
that chick with the red shirt

about to get into a fight
with her boyfriend?

Uh... take it as an opportunity, okay?

Just... get in there.

No, I'm not interested in that.
Listen, get over here, okay?

Johnny...

Goodbye.

["Cop k*ller" playing]

♪ Cop k*ller ♪

♪ Let's k*ll the cops tonight ♪

♪ Cop k*ller ♪

♪ Law ♪

♪ Against the law ♪

♪ Against the law ♪

♪ Against the law ♪

[man] I don't know.

You need something?

No.

Do you need something?

I'm okay.

Who are you?

I'm just a person
that is here guarding your shoes.

Well, I don't know what kind of weird
scene you're involved in, but...

if you're gonna sit there, don't touch me
while I'm sleeping, I've got reflexes.

- Deadly.
- [Nadia] Okay, I'm not gonna touch you.

Is it okay if I just, uh, sit here
and play my crossword puzzles?

I don't care.

[Nadia] Okay.

[people chatting indistinctly]

Those aren't yours.

Huh.

Huh.

["Death of a Rockstar" playing]

I want to cut your hair.

[elevator dings]

All right, you win.

[automated voice]
Please stand clear of the closing door.

Going up.

[Nadia] Elevator up, huh?

Okay.

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

[tapping on box]

- [elevator thuds]
- [woman yelps]

[automated voice] We are experiencing
a temporary power outage.

[alarm sounds]

[woman] Get your phone! Call 911!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Can't break us out.

Quickly, lie down, everyone!
Get down, get down, get down, get down!

Hey, man. Didn't you get the news?
We're about to die.

It doesn't matter. I die all the time.

[people screaming]

[elevator thuds]

["Mindkilla" playing]

♪ It's okay ♪

♪ To lay your head down sometimes, I say ♪

♪ It's okay ♪

♪ To lay your head down sometimes, I say ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Oh, na na, baby ♪

♪ Oh, na na, baby ♪

♪ Oh, na na, oh, na na
Oh, na na, oh, na na, baby ♪