06x17 - The Last Escape

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

You should have seen
the one that got away.

The only one I've ever
seen with gold lamy scales.

I'm sure all of you are interested
in the details of this catch.

It's really a matter of
finding the proper bait.

I soon learned that these
little creatures can tell

cheap costume jewelry on
sight and won't come near it.

You must bait your hook
with the real article.

And sometimes they make off with
the bait before you can reel them in.

However, that's a situation with which
most of you men are already familiar.

Tonight's fable is entitled
The Last Escape.

But first something from
which there is no escape.

THE LAST ESCAPE

- Are you ready, Mr. Ferlini?
- Ready.

Here, let me help you.

No Tommy, not now.

They liked your husband
tonight, didn't they.

That kind of crowd.

- They like you too.
- Thanks.

Tommy, I didn't mean that.

You know what I feel about you.

I mean about your singing.

Is that all you mean?
Just my singing.

Tommy please.

It's all right.
He's in his dressing room.

It's not all right. I've told you that.
It's never all right when he's around.

Look, when am I
gonna see you alone?

- Please.
- Got to give me an answer.

I got to go.

Hi honey.

I was great tonight, just great.
What do you say?

You're the greatest.

I could have gotten out of steel boxes
tonight, that's how good I felt.

Hey, did you get a load of that little
guy who put me in a straight jacket?

He thought he was gonna
make it real tough on me .

You see how I was hauling
on those straps. Huh!

Those little guys
they're the worst.

It's a pleasure to fool them.

Will you look at that.
Look at that, honey.

Would anybody take me
for years of age?

- What do you say?
- You're a Greek god.

And speaking of Greeks.

I've been invited out
to dinner tonight.

- Harry Fine.
- Ah Harry.

He spoils my appetite.

You hear him talk you'd think
the escape business was dead.

Well he should have been out
there tonight, he's no different.

Well he booked
you into this joint.

He ought to know
whether it's dead or not.

And uh listen Joe, tonight,
when with Harry,

I don't want to hear any more of that
water business, you understand?

I'm sick of hearing about it.

Uh you're getting old Wanda,
that's your trouble.

That water trick's the
best idea I've ever had.

It's going to make
me a headliner.

Don't you talk to me about age.

You're no kid yourself, Joe.

Trick like that water trick
might prove too much for you.

No kid huh?

I see new wrinkles on your
face in the last week, sugar.

You look at yourself lately?

Go on take a look.

Here use a mirror.

Oh, go look at yourself.

- Go on take a look.
- Stop it Joe.

Who you calling an old man, huh?

I'm younger than you are,
you understand?

Cause I keep in shape.

Don't you go calling me
an old man, you hear me?

All right, all right.

Not everybody thinks
I'm so old Joe.

- Not everybody.
- Ah shut up, get dressed.

So we're supposed to go out to
dinner, let's go out to dinner.

Besides, I gotta talk to
Harry about something.

About the water trick.

But Houdini's dead,
don't forget that.

I know Houdini's dead.

Only I'm alive. Me, Joe Fellini.

Aye, that's one thing
about you Joe.

You never had any trouble
with any false modesty.

What could Houdini
do that I can't I?

I work with ropes, chains, irons.

I can get out of anything.

Sacks, bags, hampers, trunks.

I could do all handcuff routines.

And I still do the fastest
straightjacket escape in the business.

Besides, you know Houdini
used to use a lot of trick stuff.

- And you don't?
- Sure sometimes.

I got my skeleton keys,
phony bolts, all that junk.

But you know Harry I do most of
my tricks with muscles, right?

Sure, sure.
Joe you're the greatest.

I keep in shape.

Ask Wanda here. I work out an
hour a day with the barbells.

I still got great chest expansion.

I can do that water trick.
It'll be the greatest.

But it's been done Joe. That's
what I've been trying to tell you.

People don't get excited about
that kind of stuff anymore.

You drink too much, Harry.
Your brain's soft.

Sure, that trick's been done,
but that was years ago.

There's a whole new
generation today.

All you got to do is handle
that publicity right now,

I'll be a sensation.

Harry what do you say?

Okay, how do you want
to work the act?

I expand, they tie me.
I relax the rope falls off.

I got a skeleton key in
a seam of the pants.

Soon as I get the handcuffs
off I reach into the pants,

get out a razor blade,
cut myself out of the sack,

get out of the false
bottom of the trunk,

and go to the surface
of the lake like a cork.

- It's a cinch.
- Yeah? How good a swimmer are you?

The greatest. You don't
have to worry about that.

When I was a kid, I was gonna
swim the English channel.

That's how good I was.

Well we could put you
over in a motorboat,

pick you up the same way,
that'd lessen the risk.

That'd be easy.
I know you'd see it.

Well I don't see it.

Sounds to me like a
ticket to the graveyard.

Why? You're wrong, honey.

This is a ticket to the
big time, right Harry?

Maybe. We'll have to see.

Tommy, what are you doing here.

Wanda, I had to see you.

- I thought I told you...
- I know Joe isn't here.

I saw him swimming in the lake.

What's all this swimming about anyway?
He's taking it awfully seriously.

He's getting in shape.

- He's going for a long swim.
- What?

Tommy you shouldn't be here.

You don't want any trouble
and neither do I.

I didn't come here for trouble.

What did you come here for?

I didn't think I had to tell you.

Wanda, you've got to leave him.

It's getting worse all the time.

You don't know what it's like.

Every year, every day.

All he thinks about
night and day is the act.

Escape, escape, escape.

Sometimes I think I'm going
crazy Tommy. I mean it.

When we were in
Louisville last year

I went to a headshrinker
for a while.

Do you know that?

Three months it was.

And he got that job in Vegas.

That was the end of that.

If you ask me, he's the one that's
crazy treating you the way he does.

No he thinks about escaping
in his sleep sometimes.

No kidding.

Sometimes in the
middle of the night

he throws off the covers
and takes a bath.

- Tommy?
- Yeah?

- Would you do me a favor?
- Certainly.

Would you put these on?

Please.

And try and get loose.

- I can't.
- Of course you can't.

Neither could Joe.

If he didn't have this
hidden on him someplace.

Now try it.

The key, it won't turn.

No of course it won't.

It's the wrong key.

This is the right one.

You know that water
trick he does where he...

...he gets thrown in the lake.

Yes.

Well he's gonna do it
in a couple of weeks.

That's what he's
practicing for now.

And you know what
I've been hoping and

praying for ever since
he decided to do it.

You better go now.

In case he comes back.

You sure everything's all set?
I don't want anything to go wrong.

I'm always all set.

- You sure you feel okay, huh?
- Never better.

Have a little kiss,
honey, for good luck.

Yeah sure, Joe.

Chief Wallace, I'd like you
to meet the great Ferlini.

Fellini.

This is Mr. Ralph Kremens president
of the local chamber of commerce.

Frank Petty of the Tribune.

And you've already met our
motorboat pilot, Mr. Dave Brooks.

Well, let's get started. It's a
bit warm and I'm ready for a dip.

Chief Wallace, do you
have the handcuffs?

Yes, I have them right here.

Now Chief Wallace you've
examined these handcuffs.

Are you sure they're genuine?

Oh they're genuine all right.

And will you place
them on please.

- Yeah.
- May we have the rope please?

Now will you gentlemen tie
this rope around the body

of the great Ferlini and make
as many knots as you wish.

I warn you Mr. Ferlini, I
used to be a boy scout.

There. Now Mrs. Ferlini may
I have the sack please.

Now will you gentleman lift the
great Ferlini onto the sack please.

Now pull the sack
up over his head.

And fasten the top securely.

And now...

we have the trunk.

Now you gentlemen
have examined this

trunk and tested its
locks, is that correct?

The lock is okay but why do you
have all these holes in the trunk?

A good question.

The holes are there to make
the trunk sink faster.

- Satisfied?
- Okay.

All right then.

Will you gentlemen lift the great
Ferlini into the trunk please?

Chief Wallace.

Chief Wallace, will you
secure the lock, please?

Well now are you
gentlemen satisfied

that the great Ferlini is securely
locked in this trunk?

- We are.
- Sure.

Then, we are ready to put
him aboard the motorboat.

- Sure thing.
- Ready.

I sure hope they know
what they're doing.

- Is this all right, Mr. Miller?
- Yes this will do fine.

All right, Dave.
Let's get this trunk overboard.

Yes sir.

There he goes.

He's not coming up, Mr. Miller.

He's got to come up.

He's got to.

He's not coming up.

Dear friends, we are
gathered here today,

to consign the mortal remains
of Joseph Martin Ferlini,

to the earth which bore him.

Who can say that
Joseph Ferlini

in his last moment of earthly
glory was not happy

in this choice which
was made for him,

by the almighty arbiter
of life and death.

Is this the Ferlini funeral?

Why yes, but...

I'm sorry to break
this up, Reverend,

but, I'm from the uh
county coroner's office.

I'm afraid the funeral
services can't continue.

We have orders to attach
the body of Joseph Ferlini.

But surely...

What's the matter?
Something wrong?

- I'm sorry ma'am, you Mrs. Ferlini?
- Yes.

We have a court order to
attach your husband's body.

The coroner wanted me to
make a further examination.

I'm afraid I'll have
to open the coffin.

Open the coffin?

Yes, at the caretaker's cottage.

We'll make the
examination there.

Would you gentlemen please pick
up the coffin and uh follow me?

Thank you gentlemen.
I'll call you when I need you.

I'm sorry, uh
you must go too.

Don't look Wanda.

Well you got to understand
how it is in my business.

Everything is showmanship,
everything.

And that's why Ferlini
made this deal with me.

Just what was this deal?

Well, nobody knew about
it but him and me.

It was crazy, I told him that.

But he made me promise him that
if anything ever happened to him,

if he should die, that I
would arrange a last escape.

Something that would make him be
remembered longer even than Houdini.

And that's all it was, a trick.

A trick?

Look, I slipped the
undertaker bucks

and he arranged to have him
buried someplace secretly.

Then he put an empty
coffin onto the hearse.

And that guy from the coroner's
office, he was a phony too.

Just an actor I hired.

You see what I mean?

Showmanship.

I see.

But I'm afraid that
your showmanship

has had quite an
effect on Mrs. Ferlini.

- That's the unfortunate part.
- Yeah.

Well, I feel pretty rotten
about that, doctor.

Could I see her?

I'm sorry Mr. Miller, but that's
impossible right now.

Yeah well, I understand.

Well, remember doctor if
there's anything I can do...

Thank you, Mr. Miller.
Thank you.

Mrs. Ferlini.

I really would try and
rest if I were you.

You must remember that things are
always much better than they seem.

That this is the best
of all possible worlds.

That every cloud
has a silver lining.

And that it is darkest
just before the dawn.

I tell you this not because of
what you have just experienced.

But for what you are about to see.

I suppose you're wondering
what became of my catch.

The game warden insisted
I throw her back in.

Because her measurements
didn't meet specifications.

In order to keep them they
must be larger than .

And of course it's
quite difficult knowing

precisely where to take
that last measurements.

Next week I should be
back so let us hope

I have some more luck
in the meantime.

Until then, good night.