04x18 - The Best Laid Plans, a Contrabassoon and a Sinking Feeling

[bunniefuu]

Ahh.

I got a great floor plan
for my new house

from this plan store.

Take a look. This is really nice.

Well, the plan uses the square
footage pretty well.

I know. And...

[Drawer opens, closes]

...I want to put a finished
basement right here.

Uh, no way.

You and I get in a fight,
next thing I know,

you're locking me down there
with Beverly Rose

and I'm tapping on the pipes for help.

No, it's for Mark.

He's getting older now,
and I want him to have a place

where he can hang out with his friends

and play video games and stuff.

Mm-hmm. My house had a basement
growing up.

I don't really remember
playing video games so much,

but I do remember
my pants being off a lot.

Just because you couldn't
keep your hands off yourself

doesn't mean that
I shouldn't get a basement.

Just remember, basements flood,

especially when your tenant down there

lets her bathtub overflow.

I needed the water
to put out the fire I caused

by leaving my curling iron
on the bathmat.

You're welcome!

Hey, don't finish the basement,
just seal it.

That makes more sense.

I think I'll decide what makes sense.

Just like you decided that your face

should be more wolf pelt than face.

Whoa. I'm trying to help.

Why do you keep jumping on me?

Because you keep telling me
what to do with my house.

Let's have a code, okay?

When I want your opinion,

I will use these special words...

"Ben, I will probably do the opposite,

but what do you think?"

If you want to help somebody, help me.

There's only one bedroom
that has its own bathroom.

I need a private bathroom too.

Well, you've just knocked out
all the load-bearing walls,

so you'll be bathing while the dogs

are trying to sniff you
out of the rubble.

Hey, your primary bathroom
doesn't even have two sinks.

People want two sinks,
you know, for resale value.

Here you go with
your mansplaining again.

I don't care about resale value.

I'm going to live here
for the rest of my life,

and I only need one sink.

Now, if that's a problem,

just get me everything at cost
and go on your way...

until I need you to come back
and build it.

But then, on your way.

x - The Best Laid Plans,
a Contrabassoon and a Sinking Feeling

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, guys? Come here,
I want to show you something.

Please? It's really important to me.

Uh, hey, a delivery van
full of fried chicken

just broke down in front of the house.

Tricked you vultures
into caring about me again.

Oh, that is so sad.

He didn't have any friends
so he built one.

It's not a friend, it's a contrabassoon.

Check it out.

[Sour note plays]

I know.

I thought I could teach myself
with free online lessons,

but do you guys have any idea
where I can find a teacher?

I-I've gotta make the school orchestra

to even have a chance of
getting a college scholarship.

Wait a minute. You guys remember

my mom's old boyfriend, Lou?

He was a virtuoso on
a few different instruments.

And if I'm remembering correctly,

one of them was the contrabassoon.

Actually, nothing else
sounds like contrabassoon,

so it had to be that.

That's great.

Do you know how to
get in touch with him?

Um, somebody just has to call Bev

and see if she's still got his number,

and since we all hate her
and you don't hate her yet,

it's gonna be you, Mark.

Fine.

Hi, Grandma Bev. It's Mark.

Yeah, Aunt Jackie said
your old boyfriend, Lou,

played the contrabassoon.

Y-Yes, yeah, she's still dating
a much younger man,

and, no, I don't know
what's wrong with him. [Sighs]

I'm really just trying to find
a contrabassoon teacher.

Uh, okay.

Lou Vitore?

Do... Do you have his number?

Okay. All right.

All right, okay. Thank you.

What's that? Oh, you want
to talk to Aunt Jackie?

Um, she's busy right now,

but she says she loves you

and can't wait to come over
and give you a nice sponge bath.

[Whispers] What?!

Just kidding, she already hung up.

Oh, Mark.

Oh, uh, you have to push
the red button, Grandma.

Okay.

All right, I'll... I'll tell her
you still want the sponge bath.

I played a joke
and then life played a joke.

♪♪

It's weird. You've got a pizza oven,

but I never see people
eat pizza in here.

You're about to find out why.

Hey, it's delicious.

Finally!

Whatever was living in the oven,
you can't taste it anymore!

Okay, so I estimated materials

based on the changes you guys wanted.

Would you mind giving these to Darlene?

Why don't we find a third party

since neither of us really like
being in her presence?

[Chuckles] Right?

You saw how she bites my head off

every time I bring something up
about the house.

I mean, I-I don't know
what her problem is.

I'm offering her everything at cost.

I'm doing all this work for free.

Huh, I bet you wish
she moved to Rockford now.

No.

I didn't want her to move away.

Really?

You would've missed her
if she moved away?

Well, you know,

the devil you know, you know?

That's a lot of "you knows."

Yeah, I know.

So, she bites your head off
every time you say something,

but you keep coming over,

and you're making this big push
for two sinks.

Who would use that second sink, Ben?

No, it's not for anyone.

It's for resale value.

I mean, it could be
for someone who loves her

and wants to live with her,

like someone who has a railroad
spike through their head

and can no longer feel dignity.

Thou doth protest too much me thinks.

Me is in college.

Look. It's real clear

Darlene has decided she's gonna
have a one-sink life.

I don't even know why
we're talking about this.

Because at the end of the day,

I'm really just a basic bitch
who loves hot goss.

All right.

You want me to tell you how
I really feel about Darlene?

Yeah.

[Whispers] Her sister's a huge
pain in the ass.

Okay.

Eat your rat pizza and hit the bricks.

[Laughs]

Whatcha doin'?

I gotta hurry up and get ready
for my lesson.

Last time, I was like a minute
late and Lou got upset.

He says artistry's lost
one minute at a time.

[Scoffs] He sounds like a hard-ass.

Don't let him make you anxious.

[Knock on door]

Do not make any contrabassoon
jokes in front of Lou.

[Gasps] I just can't stop them!

I'll write them down, and you
can hear all about them later.

Hiya, Lou, come on in.

- I'm Dan, Mark's grandpa.
- Oh.

Good to meet you.

I'm Caleb's grandpa.

We don't need to know that, either.

Well, here's something
you might want to know...

I'm a musician, too.

Harmonica.

Harmonica?

It's not an instrument.

It's a toy you find in a cereal box.

Well, Bob Dylan may not agree with you,

but unfortunately you're here,
Bob's not.

I'm almost finished warming up.

Warm up on your own time, not my time.

How long did you practice last night?

Uh, two hours.

Two hours isn't going to cut it.

If you want to learn the contrabassoon,

plan on four hours a night.

Yes, sir.

I'll practice for as long as I have to

if it's gonna get me
a scholarship to college.

What?

You don't learn the
contrabassoon to go to college,

you learn the contrabassoon

because you love the contrabassoon.

Can I do both?

Apparently you can't do either.

This instrument demands sacrifice...

your time, your family,
your friends, your lovers.

Your new lover...

is the contrabassoon.

Are you ready for that, Mark?

I-I-I'm ready for that.

I... Look around, I'm dying to
give all this up.

Then play with that passion.

Major scale, now.

[Plays sour notes]

Wrong.

Again.

[Plays sour notes]

Wrong!

What's wrong with you?

I've seen a chicken play a piano.

Are you even trying?

What the hell's the matter
with this guy?

It's only the kid's second lesson.

Why does he have to ride him like that?

You played football in high school.

Didn't your coaches ride you?

Oh, yeah, I saw some practices

where the coach called him
dumbass or "crap for brains"...

- Yeah, but...
- ...numbnuts,

butt-picking mouth-breather, and, uh...

She gets the idea.

No, please, go on.

...Cry Baby Conner, Ding-Dong Danny,

Dumber Than a Bag of Doorknobs.

Stop!

I'm gonna talk to this guy
before the next lesson.

Mark's not built like me.

I can let this stuff roll off,
he takes things personal.

And don't ever call me
Ding-Dong Danny again.

Hey, what're you doing?

Oh, I'm just wrapping up some stuff

I want to save from the house
before we knock it down.

Are any of those urns unoccupied?

They'd make really
cool looking cookie jars.

This is from Ben.

Why didn't he just bring it to me?

Because you keep attacking him

like that psychotic rabbit
from the Monty Python movie.

No, I didn't att*ck him.

Maybe he felt att*cked because
he's so stupid and patriarchal.

I don't know about patriarchal,

but he is definitely stupid

because he still has feelings for you.

[Scoffs] What are you talking about?

When he dropped these off,

he kind of said he'd miss you
if you moved to Rockford.

And the way he's pushing
the whole two sinks thing...

Just stop, okay?
I don't know why you think

you should be reading
something into this.

Ben has made it very clear,

over and over again, that we're done.

He thinks the same thing about you.

What if you guys aren't done?

No, we are, and I cannot
go through this again, okay?

I've finally gotten to a place

where I am okay with
living by myself with one sink.

Leave it alone, Becky.

Okay. Sorry.

I just thought you'd want to know,

because you'll be out of luck

once scientists figure out a cure

for whatever it is
that makes Ben like you.

I heard they're putting Fauci on it.

- [Knock on door]
- [Grunts]

[Television shuts off]

Well, look who it is.

Harmonica boy.

[Chuckles]

Look, Lou,

I need to talk to you
before Mark comes down.

I caught some of your
lesson yesterday...

...I'd appreciate it
if you'd lighten up on the boy.

[Chuckles] Well,
I'm not taking notes from you,

Ding-Dong Danny.

Yes, I heard you in the kitchen.

Mark's a sweet kid.

He tries hard.

There's no sense in
treating him like a rented mule.

Thank you for your home-spun wisdom.

Now, if you're done,

get the boy down here

and move aside.

I'm not done
because you're not getting it.

So let me put it this way...

if I ever hear you
yelling at him like that again,

it'll be the last time.

My daughter's got a house
with a crematorium,

and I'm just itching
to fire that thing up.

So, if I don't change the way I teach,

you'll k*ll me

and burn my body?

You're taking that very literally,

but... yeah, something bad
will happen to you.

You know what?

It's not worth what you pay me

to try to bring culture to you people.

You can go back to playing washboards

and your moonshine jugs.

Good day, sir.

I, uh, thought I heard Lou. Where is he?

Uh, he just left.

I told him I didn't like the way
he was treating you,

and he totally overreacted.

What did you say?

Nothing.

I simply asked him to respect you,

and I might've made a joke
about burning him alive.

Maybe he took that
the wrong way, I don't know.

Damn it, Grandpa!

He was my last hope to get into college.

You're ruining my life.

I was defending you.

I can handle anything he throws at me,

because that's what I need to do
to get where I want to go.

You need to fix this.

Fine.

I'll go talk to Lou.

And don't come back without him.

The contrabassoon has made you hard.

I could've done this by myself.

- [Sighs]
- What are we even looking for?

Well, depending on what kind of shape

the stones from the chimney are in,

we can save them during the demo
and use them inside.

I think they'd make a great accent wall.

Well, I don't even know
if I want those stones.

This was a funeral home.

A lot of people have wafted up
through that chimney.

No, no, no, t-this one comes
from the family room fireplace.

That one's the one
that the souls come out.

Wow. [Chuckles] You can see
everything from up here.

Look at all the seagulls
circling the dump.

Pretty.

Well, hey, hey.

This is why I came up here, okay?

You gotta be careful where
you're stepping, okay?

This roof has some wood rot underneath,

and it's a little soft in places.

Yeah, I'll be fine.

I know since I'm saying it,

your first instinct is to ignore it,

but trust me, wood rot is no joke.

Yeah, wood rot is so complicated
that a woman like me

couldn't possibly figure it out
by herself.

Look, I'm not worried.
I weigh less than a sandwich.

Oh, God. Why are you
so hard to deal with?

I am not threatening
your precious independence

by helping you build a decent house.

Why are you mocking my independence?

I went through hell
learning to be okay on my own,

and especially because
you were a part of that,

I would think you could
stop making fun of it.

Oh, don't try to blame me

for the fact that we didn't work out.

I think we both had a hand in that.

Yes, okay, I admit it.

I made mistakes, but you know what?

I'm a different person now,
and I'm trying to move on.

So just back off
and let me have my one sink.

Fine! Fine.

I hope you're so happy

in your ridiculous one-sink
house that you never leave,

and the rest of the human race
can live in peace!

Oh, I will be happy,

because there won't be anybody
telling me what to do

or where on my own roof I can step.

You know what?

Maybe I'll just do
a little dance right here.

[Laughs mockingly]

Or here! ♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun,
dun-dun-dun-dun, dun ♪

Or here!

Ohh!

Darlene!

Are you okay?

No, I just fell through a house.

What was that for?

I'm just so happy you're not dead.

That didn't feel like
a thanks-for-being-alive kiss,

but I-I liked it.

[Winces]

Yeah, I gotta be honest,

I'm tasting a little blood there.

Um, I think we should really,

uh, get you to the emergency room, okay?

Yeah, probably a good idea.

All right. Slow, slow, slow.

[Groaning] Ow, ow, ow.

It's okay. I got you, I got you.

[Groaning]

Oh, okay. Here, here, here.

- [Grunts]
- Okay.

[Both breathing heavily]

Lighter than a sandwich, my ass.

♪♪

What do you want?

I came to apologize.

You mind if I come in and talk to you?

Fine.

- You got a lot going on here.
- [Door closes]

Did you really play
with the Boston Pops?

Oh, I played with the Pops.

I played with Bernstein.

I played with the Chicago Symphony.

Are you on any of these records?

All of them.

This is my legacy!

Look, uh...

I shouldn't have spoken to you
the way that I did.

I'm very protective of my grandson.

That's not why I walked out.

You want to know why
I really walked out?

Because I made a lighthearted
jab about cremating you?

Oh, no, no.

Because I realized

with the amount of time that boy has

to master that instrument,

I'd have to drive him so hard
I'd break him.

You don't have to worry about that, Lou.

The kid will do anything
to go to college

and make his life better.

He took amphetamines.

He hustled rich kids
by selling them illegal essays.

That's terrible,

but clearly,
he has the soul of a musician.

So help him.

He'll k*ll himself
to rise to your standards.

And if you're as good a teacher
as you say you are,

he'll make you proud.

I'll do it.

I'm one of the best
contrabassoon teachers there is.

Then again, there's only three of us.

♪♪

- Hey.
- WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Baker to pediatrics, please.

For you.

Aww, this is so sweet.

Yeah, bucks
in the hospital gift shop.

Take it back.

I just gotta do one thing first.

[Sighs]

What are you doing?

I'm proposing.

Will you marry me?

Where's this coming from?

Well, when you fell through the roof,

I thought I lost you,

and then all that stuff about,

you know, who did what to who
in the relationship

just became meaningless.

And just to be clear,
it was what you did to me,

but I don't care about that anymore.

You're... You're not gonna
change your mind, right?

'Cause I couldn't handle that.

Give me total amnesty
for everything I ever did.

Okay, yeah.

The lying and the cheating
and everything...

you're forgiven.

I just want us to spend
the rest of our lives together.

[Scoffs]

This is impossible.

I-I can't believe this is happening.

Don't marry me just 'cause
you want a sink.

I don't know how else to get one.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Then answer the damn question
'cause I'm not asking again.

[Laughs] Yes. Yes, yes.

[Both chuckle]

Okay.

What are you doing?

Well, I gotta put this thing
back on the bear

or otherwise I won't get my money back.

[French accent] Mesdames and monsieur,

tonight for your listening pleasure,

I present Mark,
master of the contrabassoon.

- Ooh.
- Whoo!

Now that I've had another lesson
with Lou,

I wanted to play something

to thank my family for all your support,

especially my Grandpa Dan.

"Free Bird"!

[Playing "Hot Cross Buns"]

Mommy, is it supposed to
sound like that?

God, I hope not.