02x18 - Call Me Shellfish

[bunniefuu]

I hope Kat's okay.

I don't understand why they
can't tell us what's going on.

Oh, I think we all know why.

They are not harvesting her
organs for rich old people.

- It happened to my Uncle Joe.
- It did not.

Then why does he have a glass eye?

Because he's a man who
loves whiskey and fireworks.

What'd they say? How's Kat?

She's gonna be okay. We can go see her.

Apparently, she had a panic att*ck.

Yeah, because they were
about to take her organs.

Don't be ridiculous.

Who would want her expired ovaries?

Oh, look.

Aw, it's all the people who love me.

And my mother. (LAUGHS)

How you feeling?

Never better.

Let me tell you something...
if you get a chance,

get yourself one of these bad boys.

The nurse said they gave her
something to calm her down.

Well, can we give it
to her all the time?

I'm so glad you're feeling better.

I could not live without
my bestie for the rest-y.

Oh, Maxi Pad.

Yeah, let's hope that doesn't stick.

(LAUGHS): Oh, it's gonna stick.

The nurse said they just have
to finish up some paperwork,

then we can take you home.

Oh, good. That's great.

Oh, hang on. I'm not sure
you should be getting up.

Pshaw, I'm fine. I'm fine.

And I'm taking this with me.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

(DEEP VOICE): "I'm Nick.
I'm raising your rent.

I'm in my s, and I
still wear Axe body spray."

(REGULAR VOICE): "Well, I'm a well-read,

intelligent, confident woman,

and you are a
douche-burger with cheese."

Take that, Nick.

Anyway, to answer your
question, Dr. Green,

I grew up here in Louisville.

The dolls were here because
my last client is eight.

What do you want me to say?
Don't put dolls on the table

if you don't want me to
put my hand up their butt.

Okay. So, to recap,

in the last few weeks, you've
kissed your best friend.

He wanted to kiss me first.

Broke off your engagement.

Engaged for like minutes.

Moved in with your mother.

Back at my place now.

And slept with Nick.

Once on a cheese wheel.

And now he's your landlord?

Exactly, and he raised my rent,

which is why I had a panic att*ck.

Let me show you how it went down.

Leave the dolls. (CHUCKLES)

And we don't know what
caused your panic att*ck.

Um, I think we do.

(LAUGHS) You're not
the only doctor here.

Oh. What's your specialty?

Math.

Interesting.

Perhaps you read my paper
on the characterization

of operators in non-Gaussian
infinite dimensional analysis?

I think I missed that one.

Interesting.

So, how did you wind
up running a cat café?

I quit my career as a
professor and opened the café

after my father d*ed.

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

Were you close?

Very.

He was the best. (CHUCKLES)

He's actually the reason
that I rescue cats.

It all started when I was ten.

I was at the park, and I found
this really cute little kitten.

And I wanted to keep it,

but my dad said we had to
look for the owners first.

So we made all these posters,

and then like a week later,

after I was already completely attached,

this woman called.

It was her kitten.

So how did that make you feel?

Wow, they actually do ask that.

Heartbroken.

But my father told me that
the important thing was

how happy this woman was
that she had her kitten back.

He always taught me to, you
know, think of other people.

So, was opening the cat café
a way to feel close to him?

Um, I guess.

And maybe you feel,

if the café fails,

you're failing him, too.

All right, Doc, I'm just gonna
be honest with you. (CHUCKLES)

I was really just
hoping you could give me

some of that happy juice from the ER.

Maybe it comes in pill form?

It does.

That's why my husband goes to meetings

and I have to drink alone in the garage.

So, is that a yay or nay on the pills?

♪

sh**t! In your face!

Okay, okay.

You come at me, you're
gonna unleash the beast.

- Still in last place, beast.
- Mm-hmm.

- (LAUGHS)
- (CELL PHONE BUZZES)

Sorry, I'm very competitive.

I even view sex as a race to finish.

Can't b*at Max, though.

- (CELL PHONE BUZZES)
- Who's blowing up your phone?

Is that Kat with her
math problem of the day?

I mean, who cares what time
the train gets to Toledo?

Also, stop sending me math.

(CHUCKLES) It's just Daniel.

As in your ex, Daniel?

As in the only other
guy to see you naked?

Well, he's not the o...

Yes, that Daniel.

- What's he texting you for?
- Well, his mom is having surgery,

and he just needs someone to talk to.

Well, tell him to buy a damn parrot.

You feel me, right?

It's not that big a deal.

You feel me, right?

Can't I feel both of you?

Randi, that's your call, but I'm down.

You are not gonna believe this.

I just got off the phone with
a producer from Nashville.

The song I sold Robin Thicke has been

"causing quite a stir"...
his words, not mine...

and he invited me to collaborate
with his other artists,

who are in need of my musical genius.

My words, not his.

Oh, that's great, buddy.

That's amazing. For how long?

A month at first, but if
it goes well, who knows?

Wait, hold up.

No, don't worry. I'll
still cover the rent.

Okay. Well, then
congratulations, Maxi Pad.

Maxi Pad?

Changing your contact
name in my phone right now.

Oh, ha ha. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, you're actually doing it.

Look, I know long-distance isn't ideal,

but I think we can really make it work.

CARTER: I know we can.

It's just, I'm gonna miss you, man.

- I was talking to Nicole.
- Oh, yeah. I...

Yeah, I knew that. I knew that.

♪

How excited are you for Nashville?

- Well, I...
- Here's how excited I am.

I'm gonna bedazzle my cowboy boots

when I come visit you.

I'm excited and also a little nervous.

Mostly that you're gonna come to visit

dressed like cowboy Elton John.

♪ Hold me closer, tiny line dancer. ♪

I mean...

Merry Monday, beautiful barista.

Phil, are you having a senior moment?

You do remember you don't
work here anymore, right?

Well, it doesn't mean
that this isn't still

my favorite coffee shop.

Plus, I got to get
my cup of morning joe.

Trains are piling up in the tunnel,

if you know what I mean.

He's talking about poop.

Yep, got it.

Oh, hey, Phil.

Hey, sugar. Where you going with that?

Oh, I'm just giving it to Max.

Yeah, like hell you are.

You can't just come in
here and slap my muffin.

Oh, grow up. There was an actual
muffin there that got slapped.

I cannot sit idly by

while you serve subpar pastries.

Now, this here, Max,
is some home cooking.

Wait, is that bag full of muffins?

Muffins, scones, couple of bear claws.

Dancer's gotta dance,
baker's gotta bake.

Well, since you're all here,
I think I may have found

a way to keep the café open
for a little while longer.

Fire Randi.

We were all thinking it.

I'm gonna throw a "Save
the Cat Café" night.

Try and raise enough money
to buy me a little time

until I find a more permanent solution.

Like a fancy charity soiree?

Shall I dust off my tuxedo?

Well, it's gonna be at the Middle C.

So shirt, jeans, maybe a belt?

We can take donations,
maybe do a live auction.

Ooh, I have a for-sure moneymaker.

Sell pictures of our feet.

Don't look at me like that.
These babies bought my car.

Oh, we could also play some music.

Yes, it'll be fun.

I can bust out some math riddles.

Math riddles are dumb.

Oh, the things I can say
since I no longer work here.

(PLAYING GENTLE MELODY)

(PLAYS LOUD, DISSONANT CHORDS)

(SIGHS)

That's pretty.

Is it a love song?

No, it's garbage.

It's all garbage.

What a waste of a morning.

You know what you should
write a song about?

Damn dirty Daniel and his devious texts.

Come on, man.

Randi's just helping
him through a tough time.

Oh, Max.

So handsome, so stupid.

Well, that's what he wants her to think,

but he's got other motives.

- You know how I know that?
- Huh?

'Cause I'm a dude.

But you trust Randi, right?

I'll trust her a lot
more when I figure out

- her phone passcode.
- You can't do that.

Well, I can't unlock it with her face

while she's sleeping,
'cause it doesn't work.

So I've heard.

Maybe you can get her
code. You live with her.

Mm, forget that.

Oh, what, you scared of her?

Yeah, and so are you.

Please.

No, that's true.

But if she gets mad at you,
at least you're leaving town.

Yeah, well, maybe I'm not.
Maybe I haven't been able

to write a note since I got this gig.

Maybe I'm better off
just being a bartender.

Stop that.

- Look, I believe in you.
- (SIGHS)

- Thanks, man.
- Course.

And also, you're fired.

What?

No more safety net.

You're going to Nashville.

And you're gonna k*ll
it 'cause you're good.

Really, really good.

- That means a lot.
- Mm-hmm.

And you suck as a bartender.

- Really, really suck.
- (LAUGHS)

Hey, cuz. Heard you're
looking for a new bartender.

How the hell did you...

You know what? You're hired.

I won't let you down.

Oh, Darren, we both know you will.

(LAUGHING): Oh, yeah,
you know what it is.

♪

All right, the next item up for bid

is a mystery box from...

Uh, the Tyrannosaurus Sex Shoppe.

"We put the 'ass' in Jur-ass-ic."

- Ooh, what could it be?
- (RATTLING)

(BUZZING)

Apparently, batteries are included.

And we'll start the bidding
at a hundred dollars.

- Do I hear a hundred dollars?
- One hundred.

$ from my mother, and
another therapy session for me.

! Y'all are gonna find out
why they kicked me off eBay.

from the little
man with the big heart.

Do I hear ? ? ?

- .
- from anyone who didn't give birth to me?

- !
- What?

You're going to
Nashville. I need a friend.

. Do I hear ?

going once, going twice.

Sold to the cute little piano teacher!

It's always the quiet ones.

I guess it's true... robots
are taking over our jobs.

♪

Um, y'all are not gonna believe this.

Between the auction and
the online donations,

we've raised over $ , .

Four grand? That's great.

So many people want to support us.

Even Daniel sent in $ .

Say what, now? Oh.

Then I'm donating $ .

And I will send you a check for the .

I mean, this is really incredible.

$ , ... that gives me
plenty of time to figure out

how to keep the café open
for another few months.

And then another few months after that,

and then another few months,
and then another few months.

I'm just staying open.

Not going anywhere. Just here.

(HYPERVENTILATING)

All right, everybody,
Kat's freaking out again.

Y'all know the drill. Bring it on in.

♪

HARLEY: Looking for this?

Dad?

Hey, Kitten.

How d... What...

What are you doing here?

Been worried about you.

And I miss this stuff. They
don't have it in heaven.

Ironic, right?

(CHUCKLES)

How can they not have
ice cream in heaven?

BOTH: Ice cream is heaven.

I don't know, some crap about
God being lactose intolerant.

Seriously?

Now, don't get me started on that guy.

He's so full of himself.

Pull up a spoon.

I-I can't believe you're just

sitting here right in front of me.

Do you visit Mom like this?

I did once.

She was shtupping my buddy Preston.

I never liked looking at his golf swing.

I wasn't gonna watch that.

Yeah, Mom's grief kind
of came out sideways.

That night, it came out
sideways, backwards...

Okay, you can stop. Please stop.

Sorry, sweetie.

So you had another panic att*ck.

Yeah.

Which is weird 'cause I
got exactly what I wanted.

I can keep the café open.

So I just... don't know
why I'm freaking out still.

Maybe it's not what you really want.

Of course it is.

Okay.

I mean, I have so many
people depending on me.

Phil, Randi, the cats, the customers.

And what about the health inspector?

I mean, if the café doesn't make it,

they'll get laid off,
and then other restaurants

may not be as careful about their food,

and then some of their customers
might get salmonella and die,

and there you have it,
I've offed someone's nana.

Oh, my Kitten's beautiful mind.

A lot of people's lives will
be affected if there's no café.

What about your life?

My life?

Does the café make you happy?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, like, right now it's not

making me feel so good, but...

but it should make me happy.

I want it to.

Sweetheart, I know I always
told you to think of others,

but you can't set yourself on
fire to keep other people warm.

I just don't know what else to do.

As an inconsiderate shrimp
once told me, sometimes...

you need to be shellfish.

(LAUGHS)

I miss you so much, Dad.

I miss you, too, kiddo.

Can I hug you?

I thought you'd never ask.

♪

- (CELL PHONE BUZZES)
- (CHUCKLES)

Oh, hey, boo.

Uh, can I help you?

Who you texting?

A friend.

Cool. Cool.

Friend.

A friend like Daniel?

- Really?
- Yeah, I want to know.

Are you seriously that insecure?

Yes, and I'm secure enough to admit it.

Well, if you must know, it's Phil.

He's asking if it's pronounced

"Megan The Stallion" or
"Megan Thee Stallion."

- Are you happy?
- I'll be happier

when you block Daniel
Thee Weasel's number.

Stop telling me who I
can and can't talk to.

Well, stop telling me who I can tell you

who you can and can't talk to.

- What?
- Well, just stop texting Daniel.

Oh, my God, what is wrong with you?

I don't know. I don't
want to lose you, okay?

Why do you think you're gonna lose me?

Because you're out of my
league in every way possible.

Well, that's the first smart
thing you've said all night.

But you're not gonna lose me.

Well, how do I know that?

Because I love you, dumbass.

You love me?

Yes.

So stop it. I'm not going anywhere.

Wow.

You love me.

That's crazy.

Tell me about it.

I love you, too, baby.

I can't believe you said it first.

- (SCOFFS)
- So thirsty.

(LAUGHS)

Thank you all for coming.

I have kind of a big announcement.

I've decided to close the café.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

- Why?
- That actually was a big announcement.

Usually, you hype things up for nothing.

I love this place,

and I don't regret a thing
that I gave up to open it,

but if I keep going like this,

I'm gonna be on a first-name basis

with every nurse at the ER.

I need a break.

Whoa, Kat Silver putting herself first.

I like it.

RANDI: Yeah.

I know how hard it is to
admit that you're suffering.

I've been there, so I'm proud of you.

Yeah, we just want our
Little Miss Sunshine back.

So, what, she just keeps
all that fundraiser money?

We got you, Kat, no matter what.

I completely support you, darling.

(SIGHS) Thank you, Mother.

I mean, closing the café and
torching everything you built

is not what I would do, but attagirl.

♪

So, what time do you leave tomorrow?

: . I get to Nashville by : ,

meet with the producer at : ,

and then at : a nervous breakdown.

Max, don't be ridiculous.

- Have the breakdown before the meeting.
- (CHUCKLES)

What about you?

Now that you won't have the
café, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll go to France.

I've always wanted to
visit the birthplace

of my favorite
mathematician, Marie Crous.

She invented the decimal point.

Well, I'm . % sure it'll be awesome.

- (CHUCKLES)
- It's funny, I feel like

you're usually the one with the plan

and I'm the one going with the flow.

And now I'm going with the flow

and you're the one with the plan.

Yeah, for two people who are so in sync,

we never seem to be in the
same place at the same time.

I wonder if we'll match up someday.

I bet we will.

To being happy with whatever comes next.

And to new adventures.

With new friends. (LAUGHS)

Oh, y'all are having a moment.

All love, all love.

- Hey, Kat, can we talk to you for a second?
- Sure.

Oh, I actually have a little
surprise I got to get ready for.

You guys take the table.

So, Phil and I have been talking, and...

And we want to keep the
café open while you're gone.

RANDI: You said I could tell her.

I'm sorry, I get so excited when
I got a bee in my butter bin.

You really want to do that?

Yeah. I mean, it's our home, too.

Plus, if I'm my own boss,
I can make my own hours.

Ooh, I'm gonna need Sundays off.

(SCOFFS) I guess Mama will just
have to roll herself to church.

Well, I don't know where I'll be

or what I'll be doing, but...

I'm really happy to know that

Kat's Cat Café will still be here.

Randi's Cat Café.

Phil's Bakery with Cats.

MAX: Excuse me, everybody.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I've been trying to write a
song for a couple days now,

and I had nothing.

And then I got inspiration from
the strongest person I know.

- (SIGHS) You didn't have to...
- Kat, will you come up here?

It's fine. I don't need a song.

This one's for you.

♪ When the days are long ♪

♪ You're out of focus, in between ♪

♪ You're feeling out, and
oh, what does it mean? ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ You're okay ♪

♪ So you had another breakdown ♪

♪ And you're walking
with your head down ♪

♪ And you don't know what to do now ♪

♪ You can turn it around ♪

♪ Celebrate your face ♪

♪ See all the colors around you ♪

♪ See all the beauty that I do, I do ♪

♪ Celebrate your face ♪

♪ Celebrate your face ♪

♪ Don't you let the dark define you ♪

♪ Let the world see what I do, I do ♪

♪ Celebrate your face ♪

♪ Celebrate your face. ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪

_

Are you coming back to bed?

Okay, that part didn't happen,

but I am in Paris, so who knows?

Anything can happen.

See you in a few months.

♪ Celebrate your face ♪

♪ See all the colors around you ♪

♪ See all the beauty that I do, I do ♪

♪ Celebrate your face ♪

- ♪ Celebrate your face ♪
- ♪ Celebrate ♪

♪ Don't you let the dark define you ♪

♪ Let the world see what I do, I do ♪

♪ Celebrate your face ♪

- ♪ Celebrate your face ♪
- ♪ Celebrate ♪

♪ Don't you let the dark define you ♪

♪ Let the world see what I do, I do ♪

- ♪ Celebrate your face ♪
- ♪ Celebrate, celebrate ♪

♪ Celebrate ♪

♪ See all the colors around you ♪

♪ See all the beauty that I do. ♪