03x02 - Any Old Port in a Storm

[bunniefuu]

An exciting meal
has been ruined

by the presence
of this liquid filth.

Now you've blown the money.

I'm just happy you didn't
report me to my superior.

This g*n for Hire.

No offense to your mother.

Why were you assigned
to the case?

I mean, you're... you're
in Homicide, aren't you?

I just go
where they tell me to.

Of course, the first thing
I wanted was a cold beer.

You really are
a sly one, Lieutenant.

Titian would have gone mad

trying to mix
so beautiful a red.

And he would have failed
dismally in the attempt.

Color like this was born
a hundred years ago in ltaly,

suffered through decades
of the Piemonte winter,

survived a steerage
ocean voyage to America

and lived to bloom afresh

under the rich
California sun.

Drink, gentlemen.

It tastes as good
as it looks.

Mmm.

It is everything
you said, Adrian.

Such a...
Such a delicate aftertaste.

Are you bottling it
for sale?

Oh, Lord, no.

We only press
cases a year.

It's as much as I can do
to stop myself

from drinking
the entire crop.

A shame.

I know
a great many people

who would pay
a lot of money for it.

The cost
would be prohibitive.

I'd rather serve it
to my friends

and watch their faces

than sell it
to some Texan bumpkin

who'll stick it
in the freezer

and bring it out
with a homemade chili.

I'm from Texas.

Yes, but you, my dear Falcon,
are a connoisseur.

Relax, gentlemen.

Help yourselves
to a slice of cheese.

I'll be with you
in a moment.

I have a superb claret
breathing in my office.

What do you think?

He's our man.

Yes, definitely.

I can't think of anyone
who has done more

for the wine business
than Adrian Carsini.

Then it's settled.

I thought
you'd be here.

Only a fanatic
works on Sunday.

My dear little brother.

Would you care
for a sip of the wine

that made Carsini famous?

I'd rather have some wine
that made Carsini rich.

Oh, I see.
We're gonna have to listen

to the same
tired old harangue?

Adrian, I need some money.

You know, Ric,

you are so remarkably gauche.

It pains me to feel
we have the same blood

coursing through our veins.

I'm getting married.

Congratulations.

Who is it this time?

A waitress
or a topless dancer?

She happens
to be a very nice girl.

All your wives were.

She's waiting for me
at the Casa Rojo,

you know, in Acapulco.

We're, uh, we're getting
married tomorrow.

I got my bags and scuba gear
in the car, but...

But, uh...

I'm embarrassed.

I don't have the money
for airfare.

You don't have the money
for the airfare?

We'll discuss this later.

You know, Adrian,

Papa gave you the cash,
but he gave me this property.

Now you've blown the money.

I've let you run this place
because I thought,

well, maybe you can
make a go of it.

But, no, no,
you're just like he was.

Our father was a good man.
A good ltalian.

He provided the wine.

My mother was English.

She provided the breeding.

Your mother,
on the other hand,

appears to have
been responsible

for all the coarser sides
of your nature.

I'll overlook that remark.

You would be wise
to do exactly that.

Now, I'm in rather a hurry.

I have three gentlemen
in the tasting room

who are about to make me

the Man of the Year
in our industry.

There's a rather
splendid wine auction

in New York City tomorrow

and I intend to be there.

I'm selling the land.

What?

The Marino Brothers
have made me an offer,

and I'm accepting it.

The Marino Brothers?

The Marino Brothers?

The Marino Brothers?

The -cents-a-gallon
Marino Brothers?

They don't make wine.

They don't even
make good mouthwash!

But they make money, huh.

I mean, you snobs
can drink your wine,

but I want the cash.

To squander on fast cars
and faster women?

Don't talk about spending.

You don't know this,

but I've kept
a complete record

of all the company money
that you spent on wines

that are so fancy
and expensive

that you'll never drink them.

At least I know how
to have fun with money.

You're an adolescent
imbecile, Ric.

Do you think I'm gonna sit by

and let some
muscle-bound hedonist

throw me out of
what is rightfully mine?

Hey.

Don't worry.
You'll be taken care of.

I'm sure the Marino Brothers
will let you

lick the labels of
their new carbonated rose.

You think I'm gonna...

I... I... I have given

years of my life
to this land!

You think I'm gonna let
some ignorant Neapolitan

turn it into a wino heaven?

I don't think
you have any choice.

Yes, I do.

Ric.

Ric.

Oh, Mr. Carsini!

Oh. Hello, Karen. I didn't
expect you here today.

Well, I had
some last-minute things

to go over before our trip
to New York.

I saw Mr. Ric's car outside.
Is he with you?

He was.

He, uh, went down to the
cooperage department, I think.

Now, no paperwork today.

Today is Sunday.

Only a fanatic works
on a Sunday.

But, Mr. Carsini...

Well, why don't you go back

and pack
some more splendid gowns?

We're going to be in New York
for a whole week

instead of two days.

I... I shall need a... a tuxedo
and... and... and several suits.

Oh, yes. Shall I get tickets
for some Broadway shows?

Oh, no, no, no,

we won't have time for that
with all the wine auctions.

You run along now.
I'll see you at the airport.

Gentlemen, you are
going to adore this one.

I tried a bottle of it
two years ago,

but it was still on the uphill
side of perfection.

It should be just
about right now.

Eh, Falcon, uh,
would you do the honors?

Adrian, I'm delighted.

Isn't it a pity that
so much of a great wine

must be lost
to the sediment?

Yeah. At least
four healthy sips,

or two unhealthy swallows.

We, um, we have something
to tell you, Adrian.

I thought we'd let you know
during the New York trip,

but why wait?

Is... ls there something wrong?

Not at all.

The society has decided
to make you

the Man of the Year.

Oh.

Gentlemen, you honor me
beyond my accomplishments.

May our enemies never be
as happy as we are

at this moment.

I don't know
how to thank you, gentlemen,

for the honor you've done me.

I can't wait
to tell my brother, Ric.

He owns the entire vineyard,
you know.

So in a sense,
he is as much a recipient

of this accolade as I am.

Unfortunately, he's on his way
to Acapulco.

I'll tell him
as soon as I can.

Ciao.

Congratulations again, Adrian.
Thank you.

Delightful afternoon,
thank you.

Okay, don't be late.

Dd

Karen, my sweet,

as soon as we land,

send a letter
to my dear brother, Ric.

He's on his way
to the Casa Rojo in Acapulco.

Tell him about
the Man of the Year award

and say I'm looking forward
to seeing him on his return

in a week or two.

Shall I make it a telegram?

Oh, Lord, no.

A letter will suffice.

I dislike sending telegrams,
or receiving them.

There's something
about a telegram

that makes one feel

that some kind of tragedy
has occurred.

Have you got my checkbook
with you?

Yes, Mr. Carsini.

Make out a check
for $ , to my brother.

$ , ?

He's getting married.

It may help to start him off
in the right direction.

You're very generous.

What else is money for?

Good breeding.
Interesting aftertaste.

But they've left
the skins in too long.

I'd say Gewurztraminer,

imported, of course.
Vintage ' or...

No, ' .

Probably a Chateau Verite.

Well, that's incredible.
Utterly fantastic.

That's exactly
what it is.

How in the world
did you do it?

Simplicity itself.

While the rest of you were
savoring the delicate bouquet,

I was peeking at the label.

Shall we go in, gentlemen,
and stimulate the economy?

Quick, Karen.

Come, come,
ladies and gentlemen.

Here is a noble wine

bottled the very year
that California was annexed

to the United States.

You're not buying wine,

you're buying
a bottle of history.

Shall we start the bidding,
say at $ , ?

Do I hear $ , ?

Who'll open the bidding
at $ , ?

How much have we
spent thus far?

$ . Who'll open...

$ , .

I think I really
would like that bottle.

Oh, Mr. Carsini, we bought
the other wine in case lots.

This will cost more...

Yeah, I... I... I know,
I know, Karen.

It's too expensive to drink,
and I can't afford it.

But life is short, Karen.

Life is painfully short.

$ , .

$ , I have.
That is a fair beginning.

Now, let's have an auction.

$ , I'm bid for this rare
and priceless bottle.

$ , . Do I hear $ , ?
$ , . Do I hear $ , ?

$ , .

$ , . And to you, sir.

$ , I have. $ , I have.
Who will make it $ , ?

$ , ... $ , I have.

Thank you, sir. $ , I have

for this rare
and priceless wine.

$ , ,
who will make it $ , ?

$ , , do I hear $ , ?

Do I hear $ , ?
$ , I have.

$ , , do I hear $ , ?

$ , going to $ , .

Do we really need it,
Mr. Carsini?

Nobody really needs

a $ , bottle
of wine, Karen.

I just don't want
anybody else to have it.

$ , I have,
who will make it $ , ?

$ , once. $ , twice.

Third and last call.

Sold to Mr. Adrian Carsini
of California for $ , .

Congratulations, sir.

: in the morning, ma'am,

I don't know
how I can help you.

What you want
is Missing Persons.

I'm in Homicide.

I know that, Lieutenant.
But I went up

to Missing Persons,
and there's no one there.

And Ric is not
the type of person

who would just
turn up missing.

The only thing
I can suggest to you

is to come in the morning,

see Capt. Marvin Krosinsky
in Missing Persons.

He's a very capable fellow.

He's a little hard of hearing
in his right ear,

so stand on his left.

I'm sure
something's happened to Ric.

There's nothin' I can do,
ma'am, really, uh, until...

Until a body is found?

I didn't want to say that,
but that's the fact.

I understand.

How long has he been missing?

Three days. We were supposed
to be married in Acapulco.

I waited there until tonight

and when I didn't hear
from him, I came back to town.

You two didn't have a fight
or anything, did you?

No, but...

Maybe he got cold feet.
That's been known to happen.

Was he married before?

Three times.

Three times?

I guess his feet are
warm enough by now.

Does he have any relatives?

A half-brother.
And, evidently

he expected Ric
to be in Acapulco, too,

because he sent
this letter

and a check for $ ,
as a wedding present.

Can I keep this?

Certainly.

When was the last time
you spoke to him?

I spoke to him
on the phone Sunday.

He said he'd been
scuba diving that morning

and that he was now
on his way to the winery

to speak to his brother.

Well, ma'am,
I'm gonna get into this.

I see he's an ltalian,

and we ltalians
have got to stick together.

Thank you very much,
Lieutenant.

And if you need me
for anything,

I'm usually at
one of the numbers on here.

Do you have a picture?

Oh, sure.

Hard to find a missing person
without a picture.

Here's one
of the two of us.

It was taken
about three weeks ago.

He's a terrific-
looking guy.

I don't blame you
for being worried.

You're sure
this fellow's ltalian?

The family was from Milan.

Oh, from up north.
Oh, yes. Mmm-hmm.

They make 'em
blonde up there.

His full name is
Enrico Giussepi Carsini.

Well, you can't get
more ltalian than that.

If anything turns up,
you'll hear from me.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Better fasten your seatbelt,
Mr. Carsini, we're landing.

Will you open that wine

when we honor you
at the dinner?

This wine? Never.

Most wines are
meant for drinking,

but wines like that are meant
for buying and selling.

Well, it was
a splendid trip, wasn't it?

Will you be needing a lift,
Mr. Carsini?

No, thank you, Karen.
I left my car in the lot.

Is yours there?

No, I'll take a cab.

Right.

Hey, Lieutenant.

Coast Guard spotted
the body this morning.

It's too close
to shore for them,

so they called us.

Any make yet?

I called Krosinsky
at Missing Persons.

You know,
the usual number of absent.

We'll know
in a minute.

Hey, can I light that
for you?

No, no, thanks.

Trying to cut down.
All I do is chew 'em lately.

Why don't you chew
a cheaper cigar?

I don't want to cut down
on my standard of living.

That's some piece
of machinery, huh.

Look at that finish.

Hey, you know what.

I bet there's coats of
paint, at least. Easy.

It'd probably cost
a whole year's salary.

Easy.

Hey, look at that wood.

You don't have a pencil,
do you?

No, I don't.

Would you like to have
a car like this, Lieutenant?

I got one...
Uh, a car like this?

I'd love it.
I wouldn't even drive it.

I'd park it out
in the front of the house

and sit and watch it
from the kitchen.

Hey, feel this carpeting.

Well, I'd like to have
that in my den.

Ankle deep.
You know, that's livin'.

John.

Been dead a few days.

A friend of mine
once fell off his boat.

We found him.

Looked the same way.
Very puckered.

How old do you think
he was?

next July.

Well, you guess people's ages
at Long Beach, or what?

No, I just know him.

Every year on his birthday,
he'd throw a big party

and I once worked
as a waiter for him.

His name's Carsini.

Dd

When, when did it happen?

They found the body
this morning.

Was it a car accident?

No, sir, he was scuba diving
in the ocean.

He... He drowned?

I don't think so, Joan.

I think...

Apparently during a deep dive,
his head hit a rock

and he lost consciousness
and he ran out of oxygen.

He suffocated.

I warned him
over and over again

to stop going in twice
in one day.

It was too tiring.

Should I have the police
notify the brother?

Joan, would you prefer
I have the authorities

notify the brother

or do you want to do it?

You, I-it's better.

They weren't full brothers,
they were half-brothers.

Yeah, they weren't
that close.

Actually, Ric didn't
even like him at all.

All right,
I'll have the authorities

notify the brother.

How come the two brothers
weren't that close?

It was the business,
and Adrian's eccentricities.

He took a fortune
and ran it into a shoestring.

He's also
a bit of a snob.

It... It was mostly business.

See, Adrian ran it
like a hobby,

and Ric resented that.

Ric wanted
to sell the business

so that we could get married.

It didn't make any difference
to me, Lieutenant,

because I'm very comfortable,
but Ric felt...

D-D-Do you mind
if I g-go inside?

I think the truth
of the matter

is getting to me, and...

Oh, what a blow.

The guy was a heck
of an athlete,

I'll tell you that.

He was?

Yeah.

Knew him eight years.
Diving, eh?

Diving.

That's awful.

In a rather bizarre accident,

the body of Enrico Carsini

heir to the winery
that bears his name,

was pulled from the surf
early this morning.

Carsini was a local sportsman

and well known in the area
as a playboy.

Preliminary reports
appear to indicate

that he was scuba diving

in a desolate area
when the accident occurred.

You may recall in the past

that Carsini was
an amateur racing driver

who won many races,
many trophies,

but refused
to turn professional

as he considered himself in
for the sport

rather than the money.
We asked Dr. Martinez

Never dive
without a buddy.

About the case. Doctor?

Our preliminary examination

shows that Mr. Carsini
d*ed of suffocation

six days ago,
rather than drowning.

We found evidence
of a sharp blow to the head.

My theory, strictly
unofficial, of course,

I don't have
any buddies left. Or...

is he probably
struck a rock during a dive

was knocked unconscious,
and d*ed before he woke up.

Thus, we surmise

that he probably
ran out of air

and d*ed of suffocation.

The time of death...

I'm sorry that
I bothered you.

Six days ago.

The complete report
will be issued

after the autopsy.

When did he say
the fellow d*ed?

Six days ago.

Did it rain
last Tuesday?

I don't remember.

Bartender.

Another beer?

Did it rain last Tuesday?

Mister, I can't remember
what happened this morning.

Got change for a quarter?

Yes, sir.

Did it rain last Tuesday?
Huh?

Last Tuesday, did it rain?

Oh, I... I don't know.

Operator,
may I have the number

for the weather bureau,
please?

No, that's tomorrow's weather.

I want information concerning
last week's weather.

What time do they close?

Oh.

All right, give me the number
for the newspaper,

the LA Chronicle.

Thank you.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you happen to remember,
did it rain last Tuesday?

I'm sorry,
I don't remember.

Ma'am?

No, I don't.

I don't know
if you can help me

at this hour or not, sir,

but I want information

concerning
last week's weather.

: to : .
Okay. Thank you very much.

Uh, excuse me.
My name is Lt. Columbo.

I'm with the Los Angeles
Police Department.

And I need a little help.

Uh, can anybody here tell me,
did it rain last Tuesday?

There are many misconceptions
about winemaking.

For example,
my father was a winemaker

and I've never stepped
on a grape,

except by mistake,
in my life.

Now, years ago,
in the old days,

they did use women to crush
the grapes with their feet.

But then the men objected
because the girls

were always sitting down
on the job.

Carsini Wineries
have been the recipients

of many gold medals
and other awards,

some of which
you'll see displayed

in this case right here.

Excuse me, sir.

I don't drink myself,

so forgive me
if I sound stupid, but...

Don't be silly.
Go ahead.

I don't know the difference
between grapes.

All I know is green or red,
or seedless or seeded.

How many different kinds
of wines do you make?

We specialize in six,

but actually
there are over

including champagne,
which we don't produce.

How come you don't
produce champagne?

Because Mr. Carsini
does not like champagne.

He claims bubbles
obscure the flavor.

We buy our bottles in bulk,
and keep them here

until they're ready
to be filled

with the various
Carsini vintages.

They are shipped in
sterilized and brand-new.

But I thought you fellows
produced your own bottles.

Actually, we have this agreement
with the manufacturer.

We don't make bottles

if he doesn't
try to make wine.

Ah, just kidding, really.

Mr. Carsini feels it's better
to do one thing really well

than a lot of things
in a slipshod fashion.

All right,
will you follow me, please?

Must be a tough boss,
Carsini.

I mean, he sounds like
he demands perfection.

He does. But he pays
the best wages around

for comparable work.

Maybe I could get a job
around here.

Do you know anything
about wine?

Well, my grandfather
used to let me stomp

on the grapes when we
made the stuff at home.

Mr. Carsini's office?

Huh? No. No. No.

Uh, Mr. Carsini...

Here. Here.
The office is here.

Uh, Mr... Mr...

Mr. Ric is dead.

Yeah, so I heard.

You know,
I'm surprised that, uh,

they didn't close the place
out of respect.

Everybody surprised.

Oh, you know
what Mr. Adrian did?

He called all the workers
this morning.

And he said,

"Ric, my brother,
was a very special man.

"I'm sure that
he would have said to you

what I'm saying to you now."

He wanted you

and everybody here,
including me, to work.

That was,
Ric would want you to work?

Yeah.

He was that kind of man?

Was he that kind of man?

No. No.

No?

Is there a phone around?

Phone? Yeah, right there.

I want to speak
to someone down there

that can give me
the weather of last Tuesday.

That's Tuesday the th.
I'll hold.

You don't say.

You don't say.

I hear you.

I hear you.

Thank you very much.

Yes, thank you
very much, Lieutenant.

Much better.

Uh, Miss Stacey,
I just want to ask you

one question,
if you don't mind.

Go ahead.

How did your boyfriend
feel about his car?

Sometimes I think he loved it
more than he loved me.

He did? Thank you very much.

Is that it?
That's it.

Yes?

Is Mr. Carsini in?

Your name, please?

Is he in?

I must have your name.

Why would you
want my name

when you have such
a nice name yourself?

Karen Fielding,

I think
that's a lovely name.

Look, whoever you are,
I'm a busy woman

and I don't have time
for games.

My name is Lt. Columbo.

I'm with
the Police Department.

Oh.

Mr. Carsini is not
in his office right now.

I see.
Is he in mourning?

No, he's in the lab.

I can have him here
in a few minutes.

Don't bother, ma'am.
That's all right.

Point me in
the right direction.

I'll find him.
I'm good at that.

I'm sorry about Mr. Ric, sir.

We in the lab
share your grief.

Oh, well, the Lord giveth
and the Lord...

You know, it was a shock
for all of us.

It's hard to believe
that I'm now

the last surviving member
of my family.

Are you going to change
anything here?

I mean, uh,
some of us were wondering...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No. No. Don't worry
about a thing, Jerry.

The winery will go on doing
what it's always done:

Providing the very best wine
we can.

That's the way
Ric would've wanted it.

Mr. Carsini?

Yes?

May I speak to you
for a moment?

Your secretary sent me over.

If it's about a position,

the personnel office is open
from : to : .

The man you want
to see there is...

Let's go to my office.

It will only
take a moment, sir.

I know how valuable
your time is.

Oh, please, sir, I would
rather you didn't smoke.

Ha, I'm sorry.

The fumes destroy
the delicate taste

of good wine.

I... I know some people
believe that

a good cigar goes
with their glass of wine,

but I'm afraid
I feel they clash.

I'm sure you understand.

Absolutely.

You are going to
adore this wine.

Can you tell me
what it is?

No, sir. You mean
what kind of wine it is?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

You're an ltalian,
aren't you?

Yes, sir,
on both sides.

Well, you should know
about good wine.

It goes with the heritage.

Well, I guess
I kind of missed up

in that department.

I got to tell you
somethin' else.

I'm probably the only ltalian
in the world

who can't sing, either.

That's very amusing.

Well, Mr. Columbo,
I don't want to rush you.

Take all the time you need,

but I have some wine here
to decant.

So if you don't mind,
I'll go on doing

what I have to do
and we can talk.

If that's acceptable to you.

Absolutely.

Did you say
you were a lieutenant?

Yes, sir, a lieutenant.

Hmm.

What exactly
do you want of me?

Well, sir, I imagine
you must be pretty shook up

by your brother's death.

Not at all.

I don't understand.

I'm amazed he lived
as long as he did.

But he was such a young man,

he was in such good condition.

Ric took too many chances.

Auto racing, skydiving,
all this underwater rubbish.

Of course,
I'm saddened by his death.

One doesn't lose a brother
and remain emotionless.

I... I... I have to take solace
from the fact

that he had
such a happy life.

Wasn't the sort of life
I'd choose for myself,

but it was good for him.

What did you say
you'll do there? Decant?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You see, I have
a taster's luncheon at : .

It is now precisely : .

And this particular wine
needs to breathe

for two and one-half hours.

I'm simply pouring the wine

from the bottle
into the decanter

to let it breathe
a little bit.

The important thing
is that the sediment

inside the bottle
remains inside.

It's quite a little art.

One mistake now
could be disaster.

There. Hmm.

That's one thing I don't allow
anyone else to do for me.

According to
my records, sir,

you were the last person
to see your brother alive.

Was I? Uh...

I certainly saw him

on the Sunday,
the Sunday before last.

W-Was that the day he d*ed?

The closest
we could come, sir,

was Tuesday the th.

Are you sure
you saw him on a Sunday?

Couldn't have been a Monday
or a Tuesday?

Um, yeah, excuse me,
one moment.

Uh-huh.

Uh, Karen?

Yes, Mr. Carsini?

Would you come in here
for a moment?

I just want to check up
on a date.

So much has happened
during the last week.

Yes?

Uh, Karen,

do you happen to recollect
exactly which day,

uh, Ric came to the office?

Yes, he was here on the th.

How can you be sure
it was the th?

It was the same day
we left for New York.

I see. And how long
were you in New York?

Seven glorious days
in Fun City.

Will that be all?

Yes, thank you, Karen.

And you say, um,

my brother d*ed two days
after that?

Yes.

Well, then I certainly
couldn't be the last one

to see him alive.

Unless he went into hiding
for two days,

and that certainly
doesn't sound like Ric.

Is this an official
interrogation, Lieutenant?

No, sir, I'm not going
to write anything down.

No, I just thought
we'd chat and sip some wine.

Couple of things
that bother me.

Don't ever try
to get last week's weather

at : at night.
It's no fun.

Uh, the weather
for Tuesday the th.

Intermittent showers.

Would your brother go swimming
on a rainy day like that?

Doesn't really
make much difference

if the person
is underneath the water.

Does it?

I suppose not.

You know,
that car was out there

for five or six days.

I can't imagine why nobody
reported seeing it.

By all accounts,
it's a pretty desolate spot.

And you know
what people are, Lieutenant.

They don't like
to get involved.

Hmm.

Girl told me
that he loved that car.

Sorry?

Is that a... a statement
or a question?

Well, it just
doesn't make any sense.

Uh...

"Complete weather report,
Tuesday the th.

"High . Low .

"Overcast all day.
Threatening clouds

"and scattered showers
in the morning,

continuous light-to-heavy
rains in the afternoon."

Can't imagine why he would
leave the top down.

I'm afraid I don't know
anything about motorcars.

My life begins
and ends with wine.

Hmm.

Wait a minute.

I can think of
a possible explanation.

Can you, sir?

Yeah, let us
for a moment hypothesize

that Ric put the top up.

But didn't fasten it

because he was
coming back to the car.

Now, with this rainfall
we get very high winds

from time to time.

The wind must've
flipped the top back

and voila!

Possibility, sir.

More wine?

No.

No.

Oh, boy.

You all right?

I didn't realize
I drank that much.

What do you call
that stuff?

Cabernet Sauvignon.

Usually I don't
drink anything

I can't pronounce,
but I got a lot to learn.

First thing I got to learn

is how to hold
my Cabernet Sauvignon.

Thank you very much.

It was a pleasure.

Say, would you mind

if I came back again?
Unofficially?

What for?

To be frank,
learn more about wines.

I see where my education
has been badly neglected.

Didn't your family
ever drink wines at home?

Closest we ever came to it

was my father's job
during Prohibition.

Bootlegger?

No, he was the tail gunner
on a beer truck.

Lieutenant, it's for you.

Oh, thank you very much.

I left this number.
I hope you don't mind.

Not at all.
Drive carefully now.

Medical examiner?
Oh, Good.

Two days? Two days?

Empty.

Strange.

Thanks.

Thank you very much.

Do you know
your way out, Lieutenant?

Oh, Miss Fielding, I'm sorry

about being flip
like I was before.

That's not like me.

I don't want you
to be angry at me.

It's quite all right,
Lieutenant.

Lieutenant.

Could I pop in here
for a moment?

Oh, let me buzz first.

It'll take just a second.

Sir?

You really think
it gets that windy up there?

Pardon me?

Your brother's car.

I'm talking about
the convertible tops.

You know,
they're pretty heavy.

I could see
where a wind might come along

and flip the top open.

Maybe even halfway back.

Maybe three-quarters.

But not all the way down.

Did you see the car?

Yes, sir, I did.

Do you remember
how the convertible top was?

Well, I'm not very good
on details.

That's why I write
everything down.

Uh...

My handwriting is so bad,

sometimes I think
I should have been a doctor.

Uh, um, uh...

Ah, here it is. Top down.

Hmm.

Doesn't say how far down.

Well, what's the difference.

There's a photograph.
I'll check the picture on it.

See you around, sir.

Right.

I'll try and make this
as painless as possible.

I just spoke
to the medical examiner.

Was Ric any kind
of a health fanatic?

No.

Was Ric on any kind
of a strange diet?

Is there any reason

why Ric wouldn't eat
for days on end?

None. Never.
He was a tremendous eater.

He was an athlete.
b*rned it right out.

Yeah, matter of fact,

I can't think of anything
he didn't like eating.

Except Brussels sprouts.

I can't figure
this thing out.

Why?

The medical examiner
told me

that Ric hadn't eaten anything
for two days

prior to his death.

That doesn't make any sense.

That kind of fasting
makes a person weak.

Does it seem logical
to you that a person

would starve himself
for two days

and then go scuba diving?

No.

I thought you'd say that.

Oh, no, Lieutenant.
You go right ahead.

Ask anything you want.

Now, you understand
that this

is just
a routine questioning.

Nobody's accusing
anybody of anything.

Of course.

You have a pencil
I can borrow?

Hmm, here.

Oh. Thank you very much.

Oh, that's a beauty.

Now, you gentlemen
were with Mr. Carsini

on Sunday the th
the day he left for New York?

Yes, we were all together
in his tasting room.

Did you happen
to see his brother?

No.

Mr. Stein?

No, I didn't see his brother.

From the time that you got
there until you left,

you were always
with Mr. Carsini?

Yes.

He never left the room?

No.

Well, there was that one time

when he got that
incredible bottle of claret.

How long was he gone?

Well, not long,
four or five minutes.

I remember now
it took him a little longer

because his secretary came in

and he was talking to her.

He mentioned that.

Then what happened?

Well, nothing.

We just had a wonderful time.

He brought back
this superb bottle of claret.

He was in a very good mood.

We were looking forward
to the moment

when we'd tell him
that he'd...

A little bit more slowly.

Well, we were looking forward
to the moment when we would

tell him that
he had won the award.

I felt very good about that.
He, he deserved it.

And, of course,
I took a particular delight

in the fact

that he allowed me
to decant the claret.

Adrian then made a toast,
which I remember.

"May our enemies never be
as happy as we are

at this moment."

He allowed you
to decant the claret?

Yes. I was honored.

A man needs
a very steady hand for that.

Oh, yes, very steady.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, sir.

Would you care
for a bit of wine, Lieutenant?

We have a very fine Chablis.

No, thank you.

I'm still a little hung over
from Mr. Carsini's Cabernet

whatchamacallit.

Oh, Lieutenant.

My pencil.

Oh.

My friend, they tell me
that you know more

about wine than
just about anybody.

Correction. Than anybody.

I want to you to teach me
everything you know.

It took me years
to acquire my expertise.

Well, what can you do
in an hour-and-a-half?

Oh, just the very basics.

Let's start with this.

How can you tell a good wine
from an average wine?

By the price.

I think you're really
gonna like this wine.

It's, uh...

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Sensitive breeding.

Rich bouquet.

Strong vinosity.

Well, it's a Burgundy.
I'm just not sure

whether it's a Pinot Noir
or a Gamay.

That's really excellent.

You astound me.

It is, in fact, a Pinot Noir.

How'd you guess it?

I know Carsini
only makes three red wines,

two Burgundies, Pinot Noir
and a Gamay

and one claret,
Cabernet Sauvignon.

You served me
the Cabernet Sauvignon

the other day.
It didn't taste like this.

So I know that this has
to be a Burgundy.

And it's either a Pinot Noir
or a Gamay.

You really are
a sly one, Lieutenant.

I've been doin'
a little research.

You know, up until now,

I thought that wines
were only to drink.

But I find out that people
actually invest in them.

Oh, yeah.

And the longer you keep them,
the more valuable they get.

I've heard
that some wines cost

as much as $
a bottle.

Well, that's really
a fairly medium price.

I... I have paid
as much as $ , .

$ , ?

$ , for a bottle
of wine.

You know, my father
never made $

in one year?

Can you imagine
drinking a year's pay

in one night?

Can I see?

Is it possible for me
to see

one of those
expensive bottles?

Not drink it.
Just see it.

Well, I, uh,

I keep them
in a locked vault.

I've never seen
anythin' like it.

Uh-uh.

I'd really appreciate it.

Well, if you really want to,

I'd be delighted
to show them to you.

Like a crypt.

I think I saw something
like this

in a vampire movie.

To me
it's a very beautiful room.

Why do they keep wines
in a place like this?

To protect the wine
against extreme heat.

Right now,
it's no problem,

but in the summer
it gets very hot outside

and that could
damage the wine.

That's why
I keep a humidifier

and air conditioner
turned on the whole time.

I was wondering
what that noise was.

Hmm.

Oh.

Do you have a phone, sir?

Yes, of course,
what's the problem?

I'd like to call my wife.
It'll only take a moment.

Be my guest.
It's in the office.

Thank you.

It's nothing serious.

Remember the day
we went on the picnic

and it got so hot
we had to come home?

Was it last week
or the week before?

What day last week?
How hot did it get?

All right, I'll go
to the weather bureau.

Head of lettuce
and two quarts of milk.

All right.

Thank you very much.
Sorry to hold you up.

Oh, that's all right.

I have to remember:
Head of lettuce

and two quarts of milk.

Tell you, I'd sure hate

to get accidentally trapped
in here.

It reminds me of that
Edgar Allan Poe short story,

The Cask of...

I know what it is.
It begins with an "A."

I just can't pronounce it.

Amontillado.

Of course, if somebody
did get trapped in here,

they'd sure have
plenty to drink.

Nobody could get
trapped in here.

The door locks
from the outside only.

That's a beautiful bottle.

How much
is that fella worth?

Oh, that's something
I picked up in, uh,

in Spain in .

It's worth about $ , .

Amazing.

These bottles
are actually beautiful.

Yes, I... I think so.

Here's an old one.
I can't read that label.

Oh, that's a... a claret.

That's a Bordeaux Rouge.

It's worth about $ , .

Claret?

Oh, that's what you served
Mr. Falcon and Mr. Stein

that Sunday
when you went to New York.

Yeah, that was also a claret.
Uh, may I?

I remember that.
They mentioned that.

Of course, that was
a cheaper wine you gave them.

That was an ordinary wine,
wasn't it?

On the contrary,

it was one of my
most precious wines.

My father put
that down in .

Really?

Hmm.

Strange.

Why?

It was a special occasion.

I thought it merited
a rather special wine.

No, sir,
I was referring to the fact

that you didn't
decant the wine yourself.

You said you never
allow anyone else

to decant precious wine.

Well, didn't I decant it?

I don't recollect.

I have a statement here,
sir, from...

Oh. Oh, yes,
I remember.

I do remember.

Uh, I thought it would be
a nice gesture. You see,

I knew he was going
to give me this award,

Man of the Year.

I thought it would
show my appreciation.

Besides, Mr. Falcon
is more than capable.

He has a very steady hand.

Yes.

Hmm.

Have you seen enough?

Are you sure
somebody couldn't

accidentally be trapped
in here?

Lieutenant, you really
are one of a kind.

Do you want me
to prove it to you?

I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.

I'm going to go outside.

I'm going to close the door.

And I'm not going to
tell you how to open it.

I'm gonna see how long
it takes you

to find your way out.

It's very simple.

All you have to do
is push it.

Didn't I tell you?

You shouldn't be
so skeptical.

Your brother's check,
that $ , check,

I meant to bring it
out this afternoon.

Sir, I forgot it.
I'll get it to you.

Oh, just tear it up.

Uh, it was a very generous
gesture on your part, sir,

regardless of how
things worked out.

It was a wedding present.

Are you driving back
into town, Lieutenant?

Just what are your plans?

Oh, uh...

I think I'll be
running along now, sir.

Thank you very much,
I certainly enjoyed it.

Appreciate your time.

Bye.

Uh, Lie-Lieutenant.

Lieutenant, when are you
going to release

my brother's body?

It was his wish
to be cremated and...

I'll check on that
this afternoon, sir.

Probably a few days.

Well, wh-what's the delay
in an accident case?

Beats me, sir.

Why were you assigned
to the case?

I mean, you're...

you're in Homicide,
aren't you?

I just go
where they tell me to, sir.

Well, doesn't look right
to me.

It looks like they, uh,

they suspect someone
of foul play.

Well, maybe they do, sir,

but you have nothing
to worry about.

You were , miles away

at the time
of his death. Right?

Right.

I'll be running along.

Oh. Mr. Carsini.

Sir, I just remembered
one of the reasons

they're not releasing
your brother's body.

I forgot to tell you
the other day.

Well, do you know
your brother's car?

It stayed out
on that cliff for a week.

During that time, it rained
and then we had some sun.

But when we saw the car
the morning we found the body

it looked like it just
came off a showroom floor.

What's your point?

No water marks.

Can you explain that?

No, I can't.

Well, there must
be a reason for it.

There always is.

When you find it,
will you tell me?

Believe me, sir,
you'll be the first to know.

Yes?

Uh, Miss Fielding?

Isn't it a little late
for police business?

Oh, this is
kind of unofficial.

All right.

But there's
an Alan Ladd movie

I want to see on at : .

Well, I'll be out of here
long before then.

Well, go on.

About that trip
that you took to New York.

What about it?

We were both in New York
on business.

Look, I don't see
how I can help you.

Neither of us were here
when Mr. Ric d*ed.

Did you see Ric Carsini
leave the winery

on that Sunday?

I, I saw him arrive
and I saw him leave.

He was in the building
about minutes,

then he drove off.

Hmm.

Excuse me for just a moment.

"Norman, security guard:

"'I saw Mr. Ric arrive
at approximately : ,

but I never
saw him leave."'

Well, Norman is
the winery's best customer.

Mr. Carsini only
keeps him on

because he couldn't get
a job anywhere else.

I think that does it.

I'm closin' up
this case.

I'm glad
you finally see the truth.

May I use your phone?

Yes.

Thank you very much.

This should
just take a second.

Ah, which one is it?

What?

Which Alan Ladd movie
is it?

This g*n for Hire.

Oh, that's a good one.
That's the one

where he has
the broken wrist.

Hello, Mr. Carsini?
This is Lt. Columbo.

Look, I feel like
I've made a fool of myself.

No, there was one thing
that was bothering me.

I just spoke
to your secretary

and she straightened
the whole thing out.

I'm really calling you
to apologize

for giving you
such a hard time.

No, it's not okay.
Don't be so gracious.

I want to make it up to you.

I want to buy you and Karen
a meal

in the best restaurant
in town.

No. No, I want you
to pick out the restaurant

and I'm going to
pick up the check.

I insist.

I've heard of it.
Tomorrow night.

Fine.

If I can get a baby-sitter,
I'll bring my wife along.

Lovely. See you tomorrow.

I wish I could
watch it with you.

Well, maybe I'll catch
the last few minutes at home.

Thank you very much.
See you tomorrow.

Thank you.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I wanted to ask you
one more question.

What is it?

How long have you worked
for Mr. Carsini?

years.

Well, that long?
You must like him very much.

I'll see you tomorrow.

You know,
it's after : , Karen.

We have to hurry
if we're to meet Lt. Columbo.

Do you have everything here,

or do you have to
go back to the house?

No, I'm fine,
Mr. Carsini.

You know, it's funny.

Here we are,
going out on what normally

would be described as a date

and you're still
calling me Mr. Carsini.

Well, I... I...

No, no, no, no, it's... it's...
it's perfectly proper.

Things have always been
quite proper between us.

Perhaps, just for tonight

we could
suspend the formalities

and you may call me Adrian.

Thank you, Adrian.

Maybe, if all goes well,

after tonight we'll suspend
the formalities altogether.

Ah, that would be very nice.

I still wish
we weren't having dinner

with that man, though.

Lt. Columbo? Why not?

He still suspects you
of k*lling your brother.

Does he? He has no cause.

After all,
I was , miles away.

I know. And so does he.

But he still suspects you.

Do you suspect me?

Well, you've been
quite a different person

the last week.

Even in New York,

at certain moments
you seemed very preoccupied.

I asked you
a specific question.

Do you suspect me?

I'd like an answer.

No.

Good. Well,
let's go to dinner.

Well, you sure don't see

very many
of these things around.

I got over , miles
on it.

You take care of your car,
it'll take care of you.

Columbo. Columbo.

Oui. Monsieur Columbo,
party of three.

Dd

Walk this way, please.

Uh, we trust
you will enjoy the dinner.

Thank you.

Uh, sir, could you please
send me the wine steward?

But of course.

Uh, white wine steward
or the red wine steward?

Columbo.

What is this?
A table by the kitchen?

This will never do.

I'm sorry, Monsieur Carsini,
but when he walked in...

Just get us a better table
and stop simpering.

Immediately.

I wonder what this check
is gonna look like.

I tell you,
I always get nervous

when a place has a menu that
doesn't include the prices.

J.P. Morgan
was once asked

how much his yacht
would cost.

His reply,
if I remember correctly, was:

"if you have to ask the price,
you can't afford it."

In this restaurant,
if you have to look

at the prices
on the menu,

you can't afford to eat here.

Well, sir, it was good,
wasn't it?

Superb.

That's the important thing.

And equally superb
was your wine selection.

I must admit
I would never have thought

of Moselle
with the oysters

or Zinfandel
with the meat.

I'm astounded by your
newly-acquired knowledge.

I can't wait to hear

what you've planned
for our after-dinner wine.

I tell you, I did my homework
very well on that.

Wait one moment.

Uh...

I know exactly what I want.

I'm just praying
that they have it.

You got a minute?

No.

Bring me a bottle of Ferrier
Vintage Port, .

Ferrier, ' ?

You do have it, don't you?

My dear Columbo,

I'm afraid you've set this man
an impossible task.

I'm familiar with this
particular vintage port

and I would hasten to wager

that he does not have it
in his cellar.

Moreover, the price
would be prohibitive.

Allow me
to check on it, sir.

I hope they have it.

I also hope
my wife doesn't find out

what this meal costs.

Where is your wife?

You said
she might come along.

Well, we're having trouble
with the baby-sitter.

Our regular girl has
her finals tomorrow

and everybody else
is down there

at the rock concert.

You know what it is
when you have kids.

My dear Lieutenant,

it's not fair for you
to pay for this entire meal.

At least,
let me take up half of it.

No, no, I insist. No.

Not on your life.
I deserve to pay for this.

You know, I embarrassed you
by suspecting you.

No, no, sir.

This is on me.

Uh, the fact is

I'm just happy you didn't
report me to my superior.

I should be grateful to you.

We had one bottle, sir.

Oh, terrific.

Good heavens.

Thank you.

My dear Karen,
I implore you not to smoke.

You'll ruin an exciting
taste experience

with the bitterness
of the tobacco.

Very well, Mr... Adrian.

Ahem.

Tastes terrific to me.

Drinks all around.

Drinks all...

Wonderful. What body.

This is dreadful.

Monsieur...

This is dreadful.

Don't you realize

that a great wine
is like a great work of art?

It has to be nurtured,
it has to be taken care of.

You have subjected this port
to a temperature

in excess of degrees.

Such disdain cannot
and must not be tolerated.

I advise you
not to pay for the check.

But, sir, I think that...

This wine has been oxidized
by overheating.

Where did you keep it,
on top of the stove?

Don't you know

any delicate wine spoils
by being subjected

to a rapid change
in temperature?

Serving this iodine
is an insult!

Is there something wrong?

Is there something wrong?
Everything is wrong!

An exciting meal
has been ruined

by the presence
of this liquid filth.

It is not
our intention...

There will be no check
for this table.

We have our reputation
to uphold.

Listen, I insist.
We had a good meal.

I apologize.
I apologize.

We had a very good meal.
I must pay.

Thank you very much.
No, it's all right.

Thank you. Thank you.

What is it?

That's a heck of a way
to b*at the check.

I'm gonna have
to remember that.

I'm sorry
I lost my temper.

But that port,
that was really very bad.

It was bad, wasn't it?
Mmm-hmm.

I couldn't tell.
Could you?

No.

Such a subtle difference.

And that's just because of the heat.
Mmm-hmm.

Amazing.
Oh, that reminds me.

I have to have
my refrigerator fixed.

You remember
that day here, last week...

Well, you weren't here,
were you?

Oh, you were
in New York. Oh, right.

We had a day here, last week.
I want to tell you.

You know, the temperature
went up to .

Strangest weather.

Took my wife and my kid
out on a picnic.

You know, it got so hot
we had to come back.

Of course, the first thing
I wanted was a cold beer.

Took the stuff
out of the icebox.

The stuff was just
as warm as coffee.

I don't know how
the English drink it that way.

No offense to your mother.

I guess she didn't drink
much beer.

Well, anyway,

I don't think we'll be seeing
one another again.

It's been a pleasure.

It's very nice meeting you.

Miss Fielding,
lovely meeting you.

And I want to
thank you very much

for helping me
close out the case.

Me?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

If you hadn't told me
that you saw Ric

leaving the winery
that Sunday,

quite frankly,
I'd still have my suspicions.

But you showed me
it doesn't pay to be cynical.

Thank you.

Your car's ready,
Mr. Carsini.

Thanks for the dinner.

You're welcome.

Why did you lie, Karen?

I thought
I was helping you.

Thank you. Come again.

There was no need for you
to endanger yourself.

After all, you are
only an employee.

I wanted to help you.

I thought
you would be in trouble

if I didn't say anything.

And I care about you, Adrian,
don't you see?

I don't have anything else.

I care about you.

years.

years, the efficient,
dutiful, quiet secretary.

Sterile and passionless.

Then, in the face of danger,
the truth emerges.

Remarkable.

Do you feel anything
towards me?

I don't know, Karen.
I really don't know.

You did have something
to do with Mr. Ric's death,

didn't you?

Is that why you lied?

Because you thought
I k*lled him?

I wouldn't blame you for it.

He wanted to take away
the only thing you ever loved.

We'll discuss this
in the morning, Karen.

Nobody would blame you
for it.

You could always say
it was an accident.

There was no need
for you to lie, Karen.

Columbo had
no proof whatsoever.

Now you have a hold
over me.

And I don't like
being in that position.

Why, why don't we
take a vacation, Adrian?

Just the two of us.

Go away somewhere,
get to know each other.

I have a better idea.
You go to Paris.

There's another wine
convention in the offing.

You could work out
the itineraries for us.

I'll join you shortly.

You're trying
to get rid of me.

Karen, it's, it's very late

and I have
a number of things to do.

You're trying to turn me
back into an employee.

You were never anything
but an employee.

Not anymore, Adrian.

Not anymore.
I'm your partner now.

And I intend getting
a great deal more from you

than $ a month
and two weeks' paid vacation.

I gave you
years of my life.

Now it's your turn
to give me something.

You can't force me
into loving you, Karen.

Maybe not.

But you don't have
to love me to marry me.

Lots of marriages have
been built on much less.

We'll talk about it
in the morning.

They were all ruined,
weren't they?

Well, these are just
some inferior wines

I was trying to...

Chateau d'lssan, ?
Inferior?

Well, a great label doesn't
always denote a great wine.

Thursday the th.
That's what did it, sir.

You know, it got very hot
in that vault

with the ventilation
turned off.

That one day, that Thursday,
it hit degrees outside.

So inside,
the temperature went way up.

Over degrees.

Wine overheated. That was it.

That's why I mentioned
that hot day

outside the restaurant.

I knew it would ring a bell.

I figured
you'd have to get around

to disposing of the wine,
sooner or later.

It must be k*lling you
to throw all this stuff away.

Yeah, you have no idea,
it's like...

How did you know?

How did I know?

Well, sir.
Do you mind if I smoke?

Well, now...

I did a terrible thing, sir.

You remember the day
when we were in the vault

and I kept saying
if somebody got locked in,

there'd be no way to get out?

In order to prove me wrong,

you closed the door
and left me in there alone?

Well, I took that opportunity
to steal a bottle of port,

your port.

Ferrier Vintage Port, .

That's right, sir.

That bottle of wine
in the restaurant,

that was your wine.

See, the wine steward
was in on it.

And you did the rest.

I surely did, didn't I?

That's ironic.

Sir.

Well, I-I'm probably one
of the few men in the world

who could've told you
that wine was spoiled

and told you it was
because it was overheated.

Yes, sir. It required
a very delicate palate.

degrees.

Is that some kind of a record
for that day in the year?

No, sir.

Notebook.

No, sir,

it hit in ,
and in .

The weather bureau doesn't
keep records before then.

That's a pity.

I would have liked it
to be a record.

Shall we go?

Uh, we'll take
my car, sir.

It's parked
right around the corner.

I'll send somebody
to pick up yours.

Do I get a confession, sir?

Oh, yes, I'll confess.

There's no remorse
attached to it.

It's a great weight
off my mind,

as a matter of fact.

Why is that, sir?

Well, you see,

Karen guessed the truth.

She's turning
the thumbscrews on me.

She's quite a little
iron maiden, that lady.

I guess freedom
is purely relative.

Who's gonna
look after all this?

The grapes, the plant?

It'll go on, sir.

It's the only place
in my entire life

where I was ever

really happy.

I took the liberty
of bringing along a surprise.

Huh?

Montefiascone.

That's an excellent
dessert wine.

I was hoping
you'd like it.

And very suitable
for the final course.

You've learned
very well, Lieutenant.

Thank you, sir.

That's the nicest thing
anybody's ever said to me.