05x03 - Identity Crisis

[bunniefuu]

What do you think?

I think she's remarkable.

I'm talking
about the mugging.

You thought I was dead,
didn't you?

Oh, yes. Until I heard
of the feats of Geronimo.

Then I knew
it had to be you.

Sir, I do have
a m*rder on my hands.

I'm painfully aware
of that, Lieutenant.

The man you know as Henderson
was one of my best operators.

That's my wife's
favorite piece of music.

I know.

You have my house bugged.

Bathroom door here, sir.

What's that over there?

That's the wet bar, sir.
Your keys, sir.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Have a nice day,
Mr. Henderson.

Don't worry about it, John.
Believe me.

All right.
I'll be seeing you.

Give my best to Sheila,
would you?

All right, yes.
Yes. Yes. Bye-bye.

Yes?

Colorado is a river.

Geronimo is an Indian.

There is no beach
like a Long Beach.

An amusement park.

When?

In two hours.

Ruth?

Yes?

: , Monday, John Graham's office.
Don't let me forget, please.

Have a nice evening, all of you.
Okay. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Mr. Brenner.
The speech for Mr. Defonte.

Defonte? Is that tomorrow?

: in his office.

I must have mislaid
a day somewhere.

Can you come in at :
in the morning? Yes.

I'll return after dinner this
evening and put it on tape,

and then you can have it
and do it.

Once more, be seeing you.

Bye.

We'd have more privacy
on a freeway.

Oh, I don't know.
Wasn't it you that said

you should never have a clandestine
meeting in a clandestine place?

Besides which,
I've always had a certain

perverse affection
for amusement parks.

By the way,
how is A.J. Henderson?

A.J. Henderson commutes
every day from Westport

except when he has to go to a
regional office for a visit.

A very ordered life.
It makes him worth much more that way.

You thought I was dead,
didn't you?

Oh, yes. Until I heard
of the feats of Geronimo.

Then I knew
it had to be you.

Why didn't you contact me?
I have.

Three years, amigo.

Well, one can't
be too careful.

Now, let me tell you about this little
operation that I'm involved in here.

You'll tell me about the
operation in a minute.

First things first, Nelson.
Now, as I remember,

we had a certain currency scheme
going on down there in banana-land.

Three hundred thousand
cruzeiros, as I recall.

Supposing I told you
that I was broke?

Double agents
don't go broke.

They die sometimes,
but they don't go broke.

Oh, come along now.
That theory about my being a double agent,

you know there's
no fact in it.

The Agency doesn't deal
in facts, only rumors.

And I have a lot more
than rumors, Nelson.

Do you?

Oh, come on, relax.

The funds have been safely
invested in triple-A bonds.

You'll get your money
back plus interest. When?

Of course, I could write
you a personal check

and then we'd both be
tossed into the Potomac.

I said when?
I want cash,

and I'll worry about the laundering.
I was afraid about that.

You'll get the cash.
Sir!

Yes?
Sir,

I've just taken your photograph.
Have you?

Yes, and if you would
like a print of it,

please stop by the booth on your way out.
I'll have them ready for you.

Oh, really?
Yes.

I can stop by anytime?
Anytime.

Well, in that case
I'll be seeing you.

Okay.
Thank you so much.

Step right up.

Five out of ten...
How's your eye these days?

Deadly, Nelson.
Deadly.

Ten out of ten
wins a giant panda!

Let's see
if we can remember.

Only cents.

Two.
Thank you, gentlemen.

Step right up,
ladies and gentlemen.

All right.

Knock down
the little ducks,

win a big giant panda.

Ladies and gentlemen,

knock down
the little ducks,

win a big giant panda.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen!
Step right up.

Five out of ten wins a prize,

ten out of ten
wins a giant panda.

Good.

Congratulations, gentlemen.

We have two winners!

I usually lose
two of these in six months.

Two in the same day
is enough to break me.

You can keep mine, buddy.
I'm all heart.

Thank you, pal.
Thank you.

Five out of ten wins you
a prize, out of ...

I'll bet you were disappointed
when I showed up alive.

Oh, I'm not that greedy.

But the Tupamaro
had you cold.

How did you do it?
How'd you get away?

On day one I had two of
their people on ice.

It was a matter of
a simple exchange.

Then the Director wanted to
make it look like I was dead.

Ah, yes.
The Director.

Tricky fellow,
our Director.

What's this caper
all about?

Now this is a naval code
on microfilm

in the possession of a crafty old
buzzard by the name of Steinmetz.

He'll require a series of meetings to
make sure that he's not being set up.

Is he?

All we're interested in at
the moment is the microfilm.

When and where?

Tonight, : . Sinbad's.
Santa Monica Pier.

Remember the routine that we used
in La Paz in ? Clickety-click?

It's the same one.
Clickety-click.

Why all the jazz?

Oh, this is the way that Mr.
Steinmetz would like it.

This Steinmetz.
Yes?

Is he an operator?

Well, shall we say that he's an old
and crafty peddler and that's all.

Excuse me a minute,
will you?

Hello.
Hi.

Do you like the name Fred?

Yeah.

You do? Perhaps you prefer
the name Archibald?

I don't know
any Archibalds.

You don't know
any Archibalds?

Well, this is Archibald
and now you know him.

And now he's yours.
Would you like him?

Yeah.
You would?

Uh-huh.
All right. He's yours.

Thank you.
It's my pleasure.

Nice talking to you.
Thank you. Okay.

This way.

Bye.
Bye.

You'll be needing this.

What's the price?

Whatever it takes.

What currency?

Dollars or lira.

And they want the drop
site where they decide.

I suggest, by the way, that
you don't wear your g*n.

That undercover
I don't go.

The contact
may want to frisk you.

Well, let him. They know I'm an operator.
Or don't they?

Well, they do, but they
don't know your name

or anything else
about you.

Why didn't you use one
of your men out here?

There's too much
money involved.

Besides, our Director doesn't want Mr.
Steinmetz tracing back to me.

Then you are
setting him up?

Perhaps.
But not at this time.

I'll take care of
the photo stand for you

and I'll be in touch.

Have a nice evening.

Yes, sir.
What's your poison, pal?

I'll have a vodka
on the rocks.

Vodka on the rocks.

You want a twist in that?

No, that's fine.

That's $ . .

Pretty, huh?
Mmm-hmm.

Hey, the machine
doesn't work.

No cigarettes
and no money back.

Acting up again?
How much you lose?

cents.

No sweat, pally.

Here you go.
Thank you.

You got something to show me?

Okay. The price is $ , .

$ , .
I want something for myself.

I'll tell the man $ , .
Then we'll both get healthy.

It's nice doing business
with you.

It's in gold.

Zurich prices,
the day of the drop.

I'm gonna have to
get back to you on that.

Look, the man wants gold.

You got anything else for me?
No.

Steinmetz is gonna
have to come up

with two frames of that microfilm blown up.
We're gonna have to verify.

I understand,
but the old man

don't show you nothing without
a down payment in gold.

I've already told you,
I don't know about that.

Mr. Steinmetz does.

I'll meet you
here tomorrow.

Now that we've met,
let's make it earlier.

: .

Good enough.

Geronimo!

Well, how was it?

There are slight problems.
Nothing important.

Slight problem?
Is he safely gone?

Yeah. He's safely gone.

Oh, really?

He wants the payoff
in gold.

The price of gold
in Zurich and...

What are you doing down here?

Just taking the air.

-A- , clear.
-A- , roger.

-A- , clear.

- A- , clear...

Evening, Lieutenant.
Welcome to Muggers' Haven.

Excuse me.

Photographer.

Photographer!
You think you got enough?

Step over to the side for a moment.
How you doing, Anderson?

Okay, Lieutenant.

All right, fellows. Give it to me for a minute.
I'll give it back to you.

Just step over to the side.
Everyone out.

Not you, Anderson.

How you been, Cliff?

Pretty good, Lieutenant.

What've you got?

It looks like a mugging.

That's the third one they've found
around here in the last six months.

How long has he been dead?

Two hours, tops.

He was hit twice
with a blunt instrument.

Once here, and the second blow was
here at the base of the skull.

Which one came first?

Can't tell?

I can't tell, sir.

He's lying on his back.

That's the way
we found him.

This one came first.

Kramer got his Polaroid?

Yeah.

What's that, Lieutenant?

Poker chip, broken.

You can find just about
anything on this beach,

mostly beer cans.

What's his name?

There's no ID,
no wallet, nothing.

The mugger
cleaned him out.

Except for a pack of unopened
cigarettes and a book of matches.

What matches?

Sinbad's.

Sinbad's?

Yeah. It's a club
up on the pier.

Sergeant Kramer's
already up there.

"Love, from Alice."

Is that his coat?

Yeah.

Did you take it off?

No. That's where it was
when we got here.

Kramer's in Sinbad's?

Yeah.

How do you get there?

Go to the parking lot.

There's a staircase.
You take it up.

Walk down the pier and
you'll run right into it.

Take it easy, Cliff.

Carry on, fellows!

Lieutenant?

The bartender here's
an ex-cop.

She's an interesting dancer.

I showed him the photos.
He thinks he knows the guy.

Do you mind?
I'd like you to meet him.

Hmm? Lieutenant?

Louie the bartender,
Lieutenant Columbo.

Hi, Lieutenant.

He's the ex-cop?

Mmm-hmm.

You're an ex-cop?

Yeah.

My old lady didn't like
the hours I kept,

so, here I am till : in
the morning in this joint.

You guys want a drink?

No, thanks.

No, thank you very much.

Lieutenant, Louie says the
victim was in here around : .

Good.

Do you know him?

Who?

The victim.

Never saw him before.

He came in here, had a couple
of drinks, then he left.

Oh, wait a minute.

He got his money stuck in that
cigarette machine over there.

I gave him back his coins, and he
got his cigarettes and he took off.

Who?

The victim.

That checks.

They found
a full pack on him.

Oh, wait a minute.

There was another guy
sitting right here.

A young black guy with a leather
jacket and turtleneck sweater.

When your dead man
walked out of here,

he got up and
followed him out.

You sure, Louie?

Sure, I'm sure.

He left the whole drink here.
He didn't even touch it.

A fresh drink.

Hey,
I notice things like that.

Guess it's my
ex-cop training, huh?

Lieutenant,
are you listening?

Yes. I'm listening.

Who was he?
Do you know who he was?

Who who was?

The guy with the leather jacket
that followed the victim out.

But I could make him
if he's in the files.

Good. Stop by downtown,
and we'll have a look.

Be glad to.

Hey, be like
old home week, huh?

You guys finished with me?

Did the two guys, did
they talk to one another?

Well, one was sitting
right where you're sitting.

The other was over there
where the beer pumps are.

I don't think so.

I'm finished.

I'm finished.

Thank you.

What do you think?

I think she's remarkable.

I'm talking
about the mugging.

You're doing just fine.

Just keep up
what you're doing.

You're gonna find out how
the guy got to the beach.

You're gonna
check out the cabs.

Just keep up
what you're doing.

You're coming?

You notice her eyes?

Her eyes?

Her eyes.

Her eyes.

She's shy.

Moving right along,

here are the news headlines
at : a.m. on the button.

The situation in
the Mideast remains tense.

There's another strike
brewing in New York,

among the municipal workers
this time.

In Washington,
the Senate Finance Committee

is recommending
an across-the-board tax cut.

Locally, the new
District Attorney

has firmed up
his staff appointments.

On the sports scene,
the Chinese have announced

they are pulling out
of the Olympics.

The Dodgers and Angels
were both losers last night.

Details on these
and other stories

coming up
after this message.

Speech for Mr. Defonte

to be delivered before the
Commodity Brokers luncheon.

First of all,
I'd like to thank

the officers of your association
for inviting me here.

It seems like only yesterday I was crushing
the grapes in my father's vineyard.

I dropped the fare
at the pier about : .

It's definitely
this guy in this photo.

And I collected him here.

Thanks.

Thank you.

First of all,
I'd like to thank

the officers of your association
for inviting me here.

It seems like only yesterday I was crushing
the grapes in my father's vineyard.

If you don't believe me, I'll
show you the bottom of my feet.

One foot still has a cabernet
stain, and the other, a Chablis.

These guys with law degrees,

they give you all kinds
of fancy titles.

Get a load of the latest one,
"I'm a president"...

Good day. I'm really sorry
to have kept you waiting.

That's all right.
We just thought that we'd...

Just a minute.

Lieutenant!
Lieutenant!

I had to make a stop.

My secretary said this was urgent.
Please have a seat.

You told him?
Didn't get a chance to tell him.

sh**t.

A member of your company
was k*lled last night, sir.

What?

We're referring to Mr. A.J.
Henderson out of New York.

Henderson?

You know him?

Why, yes, but I didn't know he was in town.
What happened?

He was m*rder*d.

m*rder*d?

We're gonna need
an official identification.

What's his name?

This is not A.J. Henderson.

The bellboy at the
hotel is positive.

This is the one.

Excuse me. This is our man.

What does your man do?

Well, we have offices
all over the world.

Mr. Henderson's
chief function

is to periodically check
the various branches,

be sure we're all
operating efficiently.

He is not ours.

Sorry to have
troubled you, sir.

Lieutenant,
I'd like an explanation.

So would he.

This is really weird,
Lieutenant.

Tell me something.
How did you get to this guy?

Have you ever been in the
lobby of the Biltmore Hotel?

It's like
Grand Central Station.

Now, I gotta go in there.
I gotta find the desk clerk, right?

Yeah. You gotta find a clerk
in Grand Central Station.

Now, don't be like that.
Give me a break.

Just give me a minute
to explain.

Yeah. I got a minute.
Go ahead.

So I gotta go in.
So I find him. I find him.

Now, I gotta show him
a photo of our guy.

Does he know him? Does he remember him?
The guy laughs.

Yeah. So he laughs.

Does he remember him?
Shakes his head.

So now I gotta find
the other clerks.

I gotta find the bell
captain and the bellhops.

So, finally I find a guy who
remembers walking him to his room.

Now I know
it's Henderson.

Now, I gotta go back to the
desk because down at the desk

I gotta get
his registration card.

Do you know what he uses
as a business reference?

The Winston
Advertising Agency.

That's right. Now the guy's
gotta be nuts to do that.

Maybe he's smarter
than we think.

I don't know.
Did you check his room?

Yeah. Just some clothes.

He signed in about : .

You told me he took a cab
to the beach at : p.m.

What did he do
between : and : ?

This much I can tell you.

He came down and
he asked the desk clerk

how long it would take to get to the
Pike Long Beach Amusement Park.

All right. Take a break.

Give me the photo.
What was that again?

What was what again?

The fish, the pike.

The Pike's Long Beach
Amusement Park.

Excuse me, ma'am.
Just one moment. Yes?

Have you ever seen
this man before?

No.

Are you sure?

Positive.

He was in the park
yesterday afternoon.

No. I'm positive
I've never seen him.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen!
Step right up.

Only cents.
Win yourself a big prize.

Five out of ten
wins you a prize.

Everything all right?
Ten out of ten wins you a giant...

Yesterday, there was a fellow
here in the amusement park.

I wanna see
whether you remember him.

This is his picture.

Boy, he...
He looks dead, don't he?

How could
I ever forget him?

He and his friend, they b*at
me out of two $ pandas.

But...
Now, this guy, he was all right.

He gave it back.

Is that it up there?

Yeah. Yeah.

What do you have to do to
win one of them things?

Knock down the ducks,
out of .

Yeah, my wife
would go for that.

Oh, no, sir, Lieutenant.
Hey, you're a pro.

Oh, forget about it.

If I'm standing on the dock,
I couldn't hit the water.

The man
that was with him,

if you saw him again,
would you know him?

Yeah. I think so.

Well, if he comes by,
you give me a call.

Yeah. Yeah.
I'll be glad to.

Step right up,
ladies and gentlemen!

Step right up.

Step right up,
ladies and gentlemen.

Step right up. Only cents.
Win yourself a big prize.

Five out of ten
gets a prize...

Would you care for one,
sir?

Yes, I would.

Well, step right over here and
sit down right in that chair.

And look
right into the camera.

That's it.

Does she take a picture of
everybody that comes through here?

Look straight ahead, sir.

That... Right...
That's it. Smile.

Yeah. Did you hear
what I said?

Yes, sir.

This'll take
about seconds.

I'll have a pin-up button
for you.

Yeah, well, we take what we can,
but we can't cover everybody.

We do pretty good.

All right.
Now, you're doing this.

That takes
about seconds.

That's right.
What's she doing?

That's a Polaroid system,
sir.

I mean, it's a one-sh*t deal.
What's the interest?

Well, here's my interest.
What do you call yourself?

Don.

All right now, Don.
You take a Polaroid like you just did of me.

The lady,
she does something else.

Well, that's a
Polaroid system, too.

You see, she just makes a
print and holds the negative.

Now, you can order up
a print right now,

or you can order up
an enlargement.

What does she do
with them?

Hey, look at that.
Isn't that great?

That's terrific.

Can I talk with the lady?

Joyce!

Listen, this is a fellow from the police department.
He wants to talk to you.

Take him over to the shop,
and I'll cover for you.

Okay. Come on.

Would you like a photo?
Right this way.

Joyce. That's it, huh?

Joyce.

Art. Here. These are ready to be
developed and then filed. Okay?

I'm gonna
show you something.

It's a picture of a dead man,
so just take it easy.

Okay.

Sure is, isn't he?

Do you recognize him?

No. No.

He was in the park
yesterday.

Do you remember
taking his picture?

Gee, I take so many pictures.
No.

All right.
Let me check over something.

You take as many pictures
as you can, right?

That's right.

And you hand out cards,
right?

Uh-huh.

And you take
people's names, right?

That's right.

And they can order
a print immediately

or they can come back, or they
can write for an enlargement.

That's right.

Now, what about the ones
that you don't sell?

Well, I keep them about a week
and then I get rid of them.

So you got a lot left
over from yesterday?

Yeah, I do.

May I see them?

Sure. Come on in the back.
I'll show you what's left.

An old man,
men, family,

couple of girls,
an old man...

That's it.

That's it.

That's all the unsold
photographs from yesterday?

That's the works.

There's not another pile?

No.

And he's not in there?

No.

You're sure?

Quite sure.

What about the photographs
that you didn't sell?

What about them?

Don't they have
a negative?

You want to see
the negatives?

I do.

I'm gonna get you the negatives.
Negatives.

Negatives.

You know, you can't really
see faces on the negatives.

I mean, when you hold them up,
you can't make them out.

I think you'll have to
have them printed up.

Do you have
a magnifying glass?

It's over there.

You know, I might not even
have taken his picture.

I mean, just because he was
here, he may not have come by.

And maybe he bought it, so
maybe I don't even have it.

I think it's these.
This is it.

I thought you said
that he wasn't here.

He's not.

Who is this?

That's a fat lady.

Who is that
behind the fat lady?

It's your friend.

I'm not gonna
say anything.

Shows you what a little
perseverance can do.

Now, wait a minute.

Just a second.
Let's not rush.

Standing next to the guy
behind the fat lady

is a piece of a guy
in a blue jacket.

They could be together.

Now let's see if we can find
a bigger piece of the guy

who is standing next to my guy
who is behind the fat lady.

Look through
these photographs.

Okay.

How you doing?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. What...

What do you think
about that? Same color.

My goodness. You've done it.
That's him.

Okay.
Let me see, let me see.

That's the both of them.
They're together.

Hey, you know what?
Yesterday this new guy here,

he bought both the print
and the negative from me.

I remember because
he gave me $ for them.

Can you blow this up?

This extra demand
for our extra supply

is gonna make a proper marriage
in this market place.

You're worried
about the Chinese?

I tell you, don't worry about the Chinese.
You know why?

Because they can
pull out of the Olympics,

but they can't pull out
of soybeans!

I tell you this, they
gonna be our big buyers.

I guarantee you!

Now, you know what it's like from
the growers' side of things.

No matter the high cost of fertilizer...
Got the wrong room.

...no matter the laws against insecticides...
Mr. Brenner?

...we are going to have a big year!
Yes. You have the wrong room.

Your secretary said that I could find you here.
My name is Columbo.

Now, if there are
any sour grapes...

I'm sorry to bother you, sir.
This is very important.

Do you know an A.J.
Henderson from New York?

I'm gonna promise you
that next year...

No, I don't.
You have the wrong room, sir.

I had this blown up.
You might want to take a look at it.

Well, that was
taken last night

in an amusement park
in Long Beach.

Absolutely marvelous.

You've done it again,
my good friend.

That was a fine speech.
Wonderful speech.

That Moustache Pete dialogue
always gets everybody.

You gonna
come to the table?

I'll be with you in a moment.
I'll see you all a little later.

All right.
But don't you stay too long.

Yes, that was
a terrific speech...

Nice to meet you.

Step over here a minute,
will you, please?

Take a seat.

According to witnesses,

you were seen with Mr.
Henderson yesterday afternoon.

I didn't quite
catch your name.

Lieutenant Columbo, Los
Angeles Police Department.

Sorry for the reception.

Not knowing who you were,

and since I intended
to pirate Mr. Henderson

away from his firm
to my firm,

I naturally denied
knowing him.

Until what time, sir,
were you with Mr. Henderson?

Oh, I suppose I left him
between : and : ,

something of that nature.

Do you have any idea

what Mr. Henderson's plans
were after he left you?

Not at all. I had imagined that he was
going back to the hotel to have a...

Oh, yes! Yes.

He did say that he was going to
take a drive out to the beach.

To see it at night. Never seen it before.
East Coast man, you know.

Apparently that's just
what he did, sir.

He was found m*rder*d
there last night

in a place called
Muggers' Haven.

Muggers' Haven.

Well...

Yes, sir.

That's such
an extraordinary...

Forgive me, please.

The strangest thing is,
one of the reasons I gave him

for moving out here
away from New York,

that the crime rate was not quite so high.
Isn't that bizarre?

That is ironic.

Do you have any suspects?

Yes, sir, we do, but we
don't know who he is yet.

Someone who appeared
to follow him

out of a nightclub
out there at the beach.

How did you
contact me so quickly?

Oh, that's a long story,
sir.

But when I got
the photograph,

someone at the firm where Mr.
Henderson worked identified you.

They said you were
a very famous consultant,

and they also said, sir, that the A.J.
Henderson that works for their firm

is alive and living
in Westport, Connecticut,

and doing business
out of New York.

Then you must be mistaken.

No, sir, I'm not.

You mean to suggest that the
Henderson that I met with yesterday

was not with
Winston Advertising?

That's right, sir.

I don't understand.

Initially, you see,
he called me from New York

and evinced an interest
in working for my firm.

And I said, "Yes, surely, of
course, we'll see about it."

Meanwhile, I checked him out,
found, in fact,

that he was an able
accounting executive

and said next time
he was over here we'd meet,

and we did and...
And that was yesterday.

He must've been
impersonating.

Impersonating? Why?

I don't know.
Did you hire him?

Too late now, isn't it?

I was going to.
I liked him. I thought...

Most impressed by him.
Too late now.

Dead.

All very sad.
Most puzzling, isn't it?

Well,
it certainly is to me, sir.

I can't make head nor tail
of this whole thing.

You'll have to excuse me. I have...
I have things to do here.

You'll appreciate we all have to do
our little bits from time to time.

If I can help you
in any way whatsoever,

please don't hesitate to contact
me, now that you know where I am.

Oh,
thank you very much, sir.

Thank you.

Good day, sir.

Good afternoon, sir.

Nelson.

Good to see you again.

And you.

Would you care
for some coffee or...

I didn't fly out from Washington
to have coffee, Nelson.

What happened here?

Oh, you mean Geronimo?

Yes, damn it, Geronimo.

Well, it was all set.

A meeting was arranged for him with
a representative of Steinmetz,

and the next thing I knew,
he was dead.

Do you think
Steinmetz did it?

Most unlikely.

We'll have to have
someone pay him a visit.

I wouldn't advise that, sir,
even if you could find him.

You see, he still
has the microfilm,

and after all, that is our
primary objective, is it not?

Yes, you're right.

As far as I can tell,
it was a simple mugging.

Of all the ways to lose
a top operator. Yes.

It's unbelievable!
It is.

We're running late,
sir.

I'm...
I'm sorry about this, sir.

Yes, well, I had to be in Mexico
City this afternoon anyway.

You know
a Lieutenant Columbo?

Oh, yes, indeed.
He's a local homicide officer.

He discovered that
I was with Geronimo

a few hours
before he was k*lled.

He's running
a check on you.

That's understandable,

but I made the excuse that I was
trying to get him to join my firm.

Place him
under surveillance.

Very well.

We don't want any locals finding
out about our operations.

All right, sir.
Have a good trip.

Right. Bye, Nelson.

All right.

Change my itinerary.

I'll be coming back here
from Mexico City.

Yes, sir.

That's him.
That's the guy.

Melville.

Is that his name?

Well, that's the guy that
followed your man out of the bar.

You're sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

Melville?
Melville.

Well, that's the guy.

Lawrence Melville?

Yeah. I'm Melville.

Lieutenant Columbo,
LAPD.

Sure. I was having
a drink at Sinbad's,

but I don't know
no A.J. Henderson.

The bartender said
you followed him out.

He's mistaken, man.

Come down to headquarters tomorrow.
We'll talk about it then.

Okay. I'll be there.

Good afternoon, sir.

Lieutenant Columbo,
what an unexpected pleasure.

I know it's Sunday.
I was in the neighborhood.

This is quite a place
you have here, and remote.

I had a hard time
finding it.

How did you get in?

Oh, the gate. It was open.
I just drove.

Oh, did you?
Excuse me.

You remember
Yvonne and Bob here?

I have to leave you
for a moment.

I'll see you
a little later. Eli!

Would you care for a drink,
Lieutenant?

Thank you very much.

But I could use
one of those.

Help yourself.

Thank you very much.

I'm really sorry to bust
in on you like this,

but I'm sure
you'll understand.

I'm just a policeman, and
wherever the line takes me,

that's where
I have to go.

I have the same
problem myself

from time to time.

Thank you very much,
Eli.

Shall we move away
from the madding crowd

and talk in a little more

peace and quiet?

I think I explained my one
little deception to you.

As far as I can see,
there's nothing else to tell.

Not quite, sir.

You still haven't told me where you were when Mr.
Henderson was k*lled.

Oh, I see what
you're after now.

Well, let me see
if I can tell you.

I returned to my office
that evening.

I wrote down
and dictated

the speech for Defonte.
You remember the one.

You were there.
You heard it.

You can check with
my secretary if you like.

Her name's Ruth.

Lieutenant,

I think that I should warn you
that I am not an unworldly man.

I have powerful
and important friends

even in
the police department.

I respectfully request

that you do not

harass me.

Why, sir,
I would never do that.

I know. I understand your problem,
but you must understand mine.

It's a very
bizarre situation.

Because of
a misplaced confidence

in a man
that I knew as Henderson,

I find myself in this

ridiculous predicament
with you.

Oh, and it's all
very understandable, sir.

As a matter of fact, I have a lead
on that suspect that I mentioned.

Do you?

Do you know
a Lawrence Melville?

Melville.

No, I don't.

And this time
I'm not lying to you.

He's black, , and been arrested
and convicted for as*ault.

Do you know whether or not
Henderson knew Melville?

I didn't know Melville,
I hardly knew Henderson.

As a matter of fact, I didn't
know Henderson at all.

Do muggers usually
know their victims?

No, sir, at least
not on a personal basis,

but I have a hunch that
Melville isn't a mugger.

Now you're confusing me,
Lieutenant.

Well, you see, sir,
Henderson was hit once

right here.

Mmm-hmm.

And then when he went down,
the assailant hit him again

on the back of the neck, right
here at the base of the skull.

Hmm.

Mr. Henderson
must have known him,

otherwise how did he get
hit from the front?

Couldn't the mugger have
asked him for his valuables,

and when he was refused,
then hit him from the front?

Oh, it could've happened
that way, no doubt about it.

Well, isn't it true there was no
identification on Henderson's person?

Right. Nothing at all.

And isn't it logical then,
to assume

that the mugger took the
victim's cash and credit cards?

Oh, they were removed,
all right.

Then why are you making
more out of it than that?

His coat was off.

His coat was off?

Yes.

That's it?

That's it.

Except for the life of me,
I cannot figure out

why would a mugger
take off a victim's coat

unless he was gonna remove something
other than cash or credit cards.

Well, not being a mugger,

I'm afraid
I can't help you there.

Tell me,

how did you first come upon
this Melville as a suspect?

He was seen at Sinbad's
following Henderson out.

Seems as though you've got
a pretty tight case.

No. Too many loose ends.

I bring this into the DA,
he'd sh**t me right down.

I better run along, sir.

I'm sorry to have
interrupted your Sunday.

Not at all.

I've enjoyed
speaking to you

once again.

I'll see you to your car.

This will be your car.

Yes, sir. There are only three
like it in the country.

Interesting model.
Allow me.

Just between us, sir.
Mmm-hmm?

Somebody's following me.

Now, who would be
following a cop?

Well, that's what
I'm trying to figure out.

Can't be the collection company.
The car's paid for.

Take care.

Hello.

This is Steinmetz.

I received your message.

Two miles north of the small
grocery store in Topanga Canyon,

make a left.

Four hundred yards.

: tonight.

Be sure you're
not followed.

You are here.

Mr. Steinmetz.

You scared
the hell out of me!

Come, my car. Come.

Be careful.

Always be careful.

Careful?
This is spooky.

Why are we meeting way out
here in the boondocks?

Here. Here.

You go in front.

No, wait.

Wait.

When first you work for me,
I tell you explicit,

this is very serious
business you are in.

I know. And you laid down some
heavy bread to back it up.

But if I'd have known it
was gonna be this serious,

I'd have stayed
in the street.

Of what do you talk?

I'm talking about heat

from some heavy little
dude named Columbo,

and I'm talking about
that government man

you put me next to
that's now dead.

I am aware of this.

And you're also aware it's my head
that's on the chopping block?

When you are in the business of
buying and selling information

on the international market,

you will have to
have sometimes

a little heat.

Well, listen, they got enough
on me now to put me away!

Did you k*ll him?

No, I didn't k*ll him.

I did what you told me to do,
that's all.

Then you have
nothing to worry about.

How did the man die,
Mr. Steinmetz?

I don't know.

I do not know.

It was not a part of my venture.
I do not know.

Well, what happens now?

Well, we have to reestablish
contact with the other people.

What do I tell the cop?

Nothing.

Nothing!

But they asked me about if I
know a man named Brenner.

That is good.
It means they have a suspect.

You just relax.

Well, okay.
That's all I wanted.

Just a little
down home reassurance.

You take this key to this car
and take this car tonight.

This car? What for?

This is a cover car for another
member of my organization.

It has to be
at Sixth and Alvarado

by midnight tonight.

What about my car?

Your car will be at your home
by the time you return.

You sure are strange,
Mr. Steinmetz.

It's a strange world.

From now,

you will be paid
week by week.

Now you're talking.

We still use
the same drop site?

Mmm-hmm. Until I tell you that
we are going to change it.

Take care of that car,
it's my pride and joy.

Sixth and Alvarado,
here I come.

You should've talked
to us.

I should've talked
to somebody.

But I didn't do
nothing wrong, no, sir.

Hey, how's this?

No, no. He looked
a lot older than that.

He had a big nose,
and the nose...

Where did you say
you met this Steinmetz, again?

In a bar. In a...

Lookit. He... Listen, he had a moustache.
Okay. Okay. Yeah.

In a bar?
He laid some bread down,

knew everything about me.
My record.

And you don't know how to
get in touch with him?

Like I told you,
we had this drop site.

It's like a mailbox
where we leave messages.

We just exchanged them,
that's all.

No, lookie here.
You got to put the glasses

and then take this off
all over here.

Take it off this copy,
and get this moustache right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

...Like a goatee on there.
Okay.

What about the credit cards in the glove compartment?
They belong to Henderson.

Look, I'm telling you.
I don't know nothing about that.

I swear, it's like I told
that Lieutenant Columbo.

I didn't touch that man.
We just talked about this microfilm, that's all.

That's all we did,
honest, Sergeant.

Hey, how's this?
This okay?

Yeah.

That's Mr. Steinmetz.

Now you're getting
close to him.

All you got to do is just
make him a little older,

get him a little tighter under
here, his nose was just bigger,

glasses off the...
You got him, though.

I can't absolutely verify that Mr.
Brenner came back that night

and wrote his speech.

But that's what he said
he was going to do.

And you found the tape
sitting on your desk

when you came in
the following morning?

Right. At : .

I typed it up and gave it to Mr.
Brenner shortly before : ,

when he rushed in,
picked it up

and went off to his meeting with Mr.
Defonte.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Brenner.

Morning, Ruth.

Good morning, sir.

This way, Mr. Columbo.

No calls

for five minutes.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Mr. Brenner,
you told me yourself

that I should check with your secretary.
That's what I'm doing.

That was before your suspect turned
up with Henderson's credit cards.

How do you know that, sir?

I told you already, Lieutenant, I have
friends in the police department.

I have friends across the country.
All over the world.

I also know

that your suspect

has accused a man named Steinmetz
of trying to k*ll him.

Your information
is very good, sir.

We don't believe that
Steinmetz wanted him dead.

You don't?

The officer from the
b*mb squad told us that

if you wanted a man dead,

you'd use a lot more plastic expl*sives
in the car than what we found.

And you would put it
in the engine

rather than
in the driver's door.

I fail to understand you.

You have suspects
all over the place.

You have Melville,
you have Steinmetz

and yet you still insist on

suspecting me.

Yes, sir, I do feel you are
involved, I have to admit that.

Did anyone see me
on the pier?

The answer is no.

Do I know Melville?
Again the answer is negative.

I could go on and on, but I suggest
that we leave it where it is.

Your secretary doesn't provide
an alibi at all, sir.

You simply told her that
you were coming back here.

Can you prove that
you actually did come back?

As you well know, these offices
are empty in the evening

and I don't need to prove it.

Neither do I
require an alibi.

If you have
an accusation to make,

do it.

No accusation.

In that event, good morning.

And, Lieutenant,

let me assure you that
you are delving into areas

over which you have
no authority.

For the last time
I ask you,

don't harass me.

Colorado
calling the Director.

Now entering
Travel Town, out.

Here you are, honey.

Thank you.

How goes it, Lieutenant?

I can't complain, Arthur.
How's by you?

Don't ask.
How's your dog?

He's swimming.

Is this charred enough
for you, Lieutenant?

Yeah, that's perfect.

Where's he swimming?

Well, a fellow down the block
built a pool,

so he goes over there
in the mornings.

Leave me his address,
Lieutenant. I wanna join him!

Art, it's just a normal-sized pool.
It's not a lake.

Two hot dogs.

Hey, you know you're pretty?

Did you know that?

No.
Huh?

Sure you are.

You know it, huh?

I don't blame you.

Is that your sister?

Mmm-hmm.

You're pretty, too.

Thank you.

You guys got a dog?
Yeah.

You know where my dog is?

No.

He's swimming.

He goes swimming
every morning.

I didn't know
that dog swims.

Oh, he can swim.

He can swim
just like a fish.

You know
what his name is?

What?
Dog.

Just plain old Dog?

Yeah.

That's what I call him.
Just Dog. Nothing else.

Let's take a walk.

See you later.

This way.

Inside.

Come in.

Watch your step.

I hope you don't mind.

I don't carry a g*n, sir.

It's not a g*n
we're looking for.

I know you've seen that.

Yes, sir.

What is it that
he is looking for?

A bug.

I don't have any bugs, sir.

Now, you don't mind if I
satisfy myself in that regard?

No, sir.

Now, I want you
to look at this.

I want you to pay
strict attention.

You're the head man?

Yes.

It's only
on rare occasions

I take a local law enforcement
officer into my confidence.

Only when the situation
absolutely warrants it.

Whatever it is, sir,

I won't breathe a word.

Good.

Now, it seems in your
investigation of a homicide,

you stumbled upon one of my most
valued counter-intelligence men.

I have?

He is, in fact, in charge
of the West Coast region.

A lot of sensitive, highly
important information

from the Pacific
and South America

funnels through him.

I had no idea.

I realize that.
That's why I am here.

Nelson Brenner's cover
is deep and foolproof.

All the more reason to
emphasize the confidentiality

of our conversation.

Nelson Brenner.

Well,

that certainly explains
a great many strange things.

I thought it would.

Hey, can we come up,
please?

Let's walk.

Whatever inconsistencies
bother you, Lieutenant,

come as a direct result of Brenner
trying to protect the Agency.

It's fantastic.

I hope you understand.

I ran a check on this man.
I sent to Washington.

Yes, I know.
I got it right here in my pocket.

You'd never know
this man was a spy.

Operator.

Operator?

Operator.
Spy's old hat.

They're referred to
as operators.

What do you fellows do?
You fabricate this stuff here?

Pleased to have met you,
Lieutenant.

Likewise, sir.

One more thing, sir.
This will only take a moment.

Are you familiar
with a man named Steinmetz?

Forget about him.

But you do know him?

Yes. Forget about him.

Sir, I do have
a m*rder on my hands.

I'm painfully aware
of that, Lieutenant.

The man you know as Henderson
was one of my best operators.

But, you see, sir,

this Mr. Steinmetz,
in my judgment,

is somehow
implicated here,

and I can't find
a trace of him.

Neither can we.

And we've been after him
a lot longer than you have.

But we'll get him,
one of these days.

One more thing, sir.

Do your operators carry a g*n?

They do.

What'll it be, sir?

Give me two.

Two gallons, sir?

No. $ , please.

Wait a minute!

Right.

All right. Go ahead.

What'll it be?

Gas. Just regular gas.

Make it $ .

Make it $ . .

$ . ,

$ . .

Oh, gee...

Want me to wipe
your windshield, sir?

No, that's all right. Don't bother.
I can see through it.

Just keep it rolling.
Keep it rolling!

All right.

Forty. What's up there now?

$ . .

$ . .

$ , $ . , $ . , $ . ,

$ . .

Right, stop it. Stop it!

I have $ . .
What do I have now?

Gentleman over there thinks
you could use this, sir.

Gentleman over where?

Over here, sir.

I just met the Director.

The head man.

Yes, I know.

You know already?

I knew before.

You knew it before
that I met him?

I knew it before that you
were going to meet him.

Jeez,
the way you guys operate.

It's fantastic.

We could use a couple of guys
like you down in the department.

All the lies
are explained now.

Yes, sir.
I guess they are.

It's a weight
off my mind, too.

In fact,

I'm going to take
the rest of the day off.

Why don't you join me

up at my house
for a cocktail or something,

and we can discuss old times.
You rather fascinate me.

Oh, that's very,
very nice of you, sir,

but I still got a couple
of things I gotta do.

Sir, we have
other customers.

I've gotta check back
down at the station.

Those guys
are always bugging me.

You know what I mean.

I know.

Wait a minute. Sir!

I still got this $ !

Come in, please.

Your coat, sir.

Mr. Brenner will be here
in a moment.

Mr. Columbo to see you,
sir.

Mmm-hmm.

Right away, sir.

I'm terribly sorry
to keep you waiting.

I'm having dinner for a
few friends this evening.

I was just checking
the menu with the chef.

Oh, that's all right, sir.
That's no problem. Here's your $ .

And then afterwards we're
having a little piano recital.

Please come in.
I've ordered some

hors d'oeuvres for you.

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, thank you, sir.
This is quite a place to be comfortable.

But I do want to clear up this $ , sir.
That's why I'm here.

I can spare it,
you know.

Oh, I know you can, sir.

It's just that I'd like to
keep my accounts up to date.

Well, maybe I don't, but my wife
likes to keep everything straight.

You know what I mean.
Hmm.

Is that
an original painting, sir?

Oh, yes. Nearly everything
here is original.

That was done
in Austria, .

The Discovery of America.

The Discovery of America.
Is it all in there?

Nearly.

Isn't that fantastic!

Look at that.

The Discovery of America.

I think I'm just gonna leave
this $ here on the table, sir.

That way
it's out of my hands.

Relax. Relax.
Take a minute.

Try one of these.
Try a few of them, in fact.

All right, sir.
Thank you, sir.

This looks good.
May I, sir?

Please.

What would you like
in the way of libation?

Oh, nothing when I'm on duty.

But you're finished
for the day, aren't you?

Well, nearly, sir.

Do you have any wine?

Cellar full.

Just a glass.

What kind
would you like?

Oh, red.

A little music?

That's quite a music box
you got there, sir.

That must have
set you back a few dollars.

A few. Do you like music?

Well, I hear it all the time.

My wife is crazy about music.

Really? Classical?

Yeah, Beethoven,

what's-his-name, the guy that
wrote Marriage of Figaro...

Mozart.

That fellow and...

She likes rock music, too.

When the nieces are around,
it's on the air all the time.

A lot of rock.

How about this?

That's Puccini. That's...

No, that's...

Madame Butterfly!

Yes.

That's...

That's my wife's
favorite piece of music.

I know.

You know?

You have my house bugged.

I know.

But since the Director
met with you,

I've had it removed.

It's just, I'm glad my wife
didn't know about that.

Tuning.

Boy, that's some system
you got there, sir.

Hydrophonic.

Gee, I wish my wife
could hear it like this.

Yes.

Well, it helps to calm
the nerves, you know.

Are you nervous, sir?

Oh, yes. We all need
our little antidotes,

and I happen to know
one of yours.

And what would that be, sir?

Cigar.

Well,
as a matter of fact, yes.

I have some very
special ones in my den.

Would you care to sample them with me?
We can take this with us.

Just through here.

And here are
the little darlings.

Do you have a cutter?

A what, sir?

A cigar cutter.

No, I don't carry them.

Well, in that case, do you
mind if I do it for you?

Not at all, sir.
You have all the experience.

You like to play games, sir?

Yes.

I know this one. Backgammon.
I've seen that before.

And I know poker.

Do you mind?

Go ahead.

What's this?

Mah Jongg.

What?

Mah

Jongg.

You play all these games
for money, sir?

Yes, indeed.

Do you like to gamble, sir?

What else is there?

Your cigar.

Matches are over here.

How do you find the cigar?

Real class, sir.

Cuban?

The Bay of Pigs
wasn't a total disaster.

Here we are.

See how you like it.

Happy days.

Who is that lady there
in that picture?

That one,
the Princess of Thailand.

My goodness.

And look at these, sir, the medals you've won.
You did well in the w*r.

Reasonably well. Look at those medals.
Where was that, sir?

Korea.

My goodness. What is this?

That you wouldn't be able to understand.
It's in Latin.

A little gift from
the University of Bavaria.

Distinguished
Achievement Award,

University of
the State of New York,

Trustees,
Columbia University.

Certificate for service, driving a racing car.
Quite a life, sir.

I find it dull.

Quite a life.

What kind of a plane is that,
sir?

That? That's the T- ...

Silverstar.

Oh, yes.

And that's you
standing right beside it?

Mmm-hmm.

Yes. I seem to remember
reading about that.

It was quite famous
during the w*r, wasn't it?

The best known trainer
of the period.

Well, you're a hero, sir.

And you have power

and you live
in a magnificent house.

You're a hero.

The languages you speak...
How can you say your life is dull?

Mah Jongg.

What time do you have, sir?

: .

Oh, I have to run.
I almost forgot, sir.

I'm taking my wife
out to dinner.

Forgive me.

You've been very gracious.

I'll get your coat.

It's been
a fantastic day, sir.

Oh, yes, indeed.

May I help you
with your coat?

Thank you.

I appreciate the $ .

I'll tell you,

I hope I never run into
that kind of a fix again.

Safe journey.

Oh, I almost forgot.

This is a sketch that we
worked up on Steinmetz.

Melville says that this is
a reasonable facsimile.

Steinmetz.

So this is Steinmetz?

You've never
seen him before?

No.

No, I have never seen him.

If this is not
a breach of security, sir,

could you tell me
how you made contact?

By telephone or through
a representative of his.

I see.

'Cause I've checked
every Steinmetz in the city

and so far I haven't been
able to find anyone

who even comes close
to this description.

Well, by now, Lieutenant, you should
know that no one in our business

is ever who he says he is.

Of course.

I should've
known that myself.

By the way, may I have
a copy of that

for our leader,
the Director?

Why don't you take
this one, sir?

I have another copy
for myself.

Be seeing you.

I hope so, sir.

Have a nice evening.

My best to your lady.

Della.

The Commodity speech of
last week, we have a copy?

Yes, sir,
it's in the files.

Do you mind bringing
one in, please? Thank you.

Columbo.

You'll like that.

Isn't that unusual,
to get a speech

just a half-hour before
you're gonna deliver it?

No. No, no.
Because I read it twice,

it make an impression in my
mind, like this. Really?

You know, me, sometimes I
forget my own telephone number.

Thank you, Della.
Very nice. Very nice.

Let me see
if this is the speech.

Suppose you want it
rewritten?

There's no time.

Rewritten? For what?

Nelson, he writes a speech,

says just what I want
to say, that's all.

Then he adds a touch of spaghetti humor, you know?
And everything's all right.

Oh, he's brilliant, Columbo.

Brilliant man! Very.

Is it possible
that I take this?

Sure. I have
a copy here, you know.

Thank you very much.

It's so nice meeting you.

Is it possible to have
a few more grapes?

Grapes? Oh! Is it possible you ask?
Look at that.

No! No!

Come on! It's such a pleasure
to talking to a paisano.

Grazie.

Listen,
you be sure to call me.

We have lunch together,
all right?

Arrivederci, Columbo.

Ciao.

Let's get back to earth.

Good morning, Mr. Brenner.
I'm a simple farmer

in the Imperial Valley.

It just happens to be
miles wide, that's all.

Good morning.

My papa, from whom
I learned the business,

told me years ago
when I started out,

"Salvatore,
to be a successful,

"you gotta know two things.

"Who buys
and who sells your crop."

"And the weather."

Well, we gotta the water
down in our Valley.

That takes care
of the weather.

This is important.

Your secretary was kind
enough to provide this tape.

Of course,
I have a warrant for it.

You told a lot of lies,
sir.

Of course, most of them
can be explained

in your capacity as a spy,
but not the big one.

Not your whereabouts
at the time of the m*rder.

What strikes you
about this picture?

The T- Silverstar.

I see that you visited
with me again.

In my absence.

I have a warrant for that,
too, sir.

You have a warrant
for everything.

What strikes you
about that picture?

I was younger
and more beautiful then.

Not that it was taken
years ago in Korea?

Not the fact that,
at that time,

your hairline is receding.

How stupid of me.

What strikes me, sir, looking
at you now, years later,

is that you now have
a healthy crop of hair.

Luxuriant.

I wear a piece.

A hairpiece.

That's what I told the art
guy down at headquarters.

I said, "Figure
this fellow to be bald,"

and working on
that assumption, sir,

he took an air brush

and he removed
all your hair.

This is the same picture.

Removed all of it?

Yes.

And then he put on a wig

and he added a moustache
and a beard and some glasses.

Steinmetz!

Our dear old friend
Mr. Steinmetz.

That's marvelous.
Very clever fellows you've got.

It's really wonderful.

I want you
to hear the tape.

Yes. I'll hear it.
By all means, go ahead.

It's terrific.

Pay strict attention
to the early part.

Speech for Mr. Defonte

to be delivered before the
Commodity Brokers luncheon.

Right here.

That sound.

That sound, sir, is the
closing of Venetian blinds.

That's the sound.

So I closed the blinds.
What's so special about that?

That direction is east.

Please don't give me
a lesson in geography.

At five minutes past six,
the sun came up.

An hour or so later, give
or take a few moments,

the sun angles into the
building in this direction

and it hits right here
at your desk.

You came in
the following morning, sir,

to finish your speech.

And you sat down

and when you
started to dictate,

the early morning sun
got in your eyes

and you then arose,

went to the window

and closed the blinds.

I see.

I closed the blinds

for privacy.

But you're on the third floor, sir.
Yes.

Why would you
require privacy?

Well, there are other buildings
in the neighborhood.

Higher buildings.

But they're all
office buildings, sir.

There's no one
in them at night.

This is an office building.
I was in it at night.

Why should not other people
be in their offices?

Why don't you
play the tape,

carry on from there,

and you will see that,
in fact,

it had to be night.

Any particular section,
sir?

Right on, from there.

Now,
you listen very carefully.

First of all,
I'd like to thank

the officers of your association
for inviting me here.

It seems like only yesterday I was crushing
the grapes in my father's vineyard.

If you don't believe me, I'll
show you the bottom of my feet.

One foot still has a cabernet stain...
There!

...and the other...
There! Did you hear that?

...a Chablis.
Yes, sir. I heard it.

You heard the chimes?

These guys with law degrees...
I did.

Did you count them?

...They give you...
Yes, sir. There are .

Eleven?

So it had to be
: at night.

It could not have been
: in the morning.

You can check
with my secretary.

No, sir. It couldn't
have been at night.

Couldn't have been night.

...Feel about over-production,
but it's gonna be all right.

There's a food shortage all over the world.
It had to be morning, sir.

There's no reason for the price to fall.
Look at Southeast Asia.

They need our crops
more than ever now,

because of the tragic events
there in the past years.

This extra demand
for our extra supply

is gonna make for a proper
marriage in the market place.

And if you're worried
about the Chinese, don't be.

They may pull out of the Olympics
but not out of the soybeans.

You've lost me again,
Mr. Columbo.

I did some checking.

Newspapers, wire services,
TV newsrooms.

I checked everywhere,

and I ended up calling
the Peking News Bureau.

Did you?

And at : a.m.
on the morning of the Defonte speech,

six hours and minutes
past midnight,

seven hours
and minutes past the time

that you claim that you
were writing this speech,

and to the shock
of the world,

the Chinese pulled out
of the Olympics.

Did they?

You couldn't have written
that speech the night before.

There's no way in the world.

It hadn't happened yet.

What made you stay on it?

Was it the...

Was it the coat?

Yes, sir. I couldn't figure
out why it was removed.

You see,
I know that a mugger

can take a guy's money
without taking off his coat.

And then it occurred to me that Mr.
Henderson was a secret agent.

And that secret agents
wear g*ns.

Shoulder holsters.

And that Mr. Henderson...

Had one.

...Was a secret agent.

He was.

And you couldn't afford
to have that fact known.

So, in order to remove
his shoulder holster...

I had to...

Remove the coat.
...remove the coat.

Why didn't you
put it back on again?

Oh, I was going to,

but apart from muggers
on the beach, Mr. Columbo,

they also have
loving couples.

And I was interrupted

at the scene of the crime.

Would you like to hear
something funny?

I'd love to.

Today, the Chinese,

they changed their minds.

Did they, again?

They're back in the Games.

In the Games.

Mah Jongg.

Mah Jongg.