06x02 - Old Fashioned m*rder

[bunniefuu]

What is this, sir?

Well, I don't
exactly know.

Is it old?
Beats me.

That's a
battle-a*.

It was used by William
the Conqueror in .

If you want to know
more about artifacts,

there's a tape recorder with earphones
available right over there.

WOMAN: Thank you.
MAN: Thank you.

Janie, may I see you
for a moment, please?

Now, the only chore I asked you to
do this month was to hire a guard.

And I hired one,
didn't I?

You certainly did.

The brother of the man
you're keeping company with.

He doesn't seem to have
any other qualifications.

Aunt Ruth, he was in the Army.
He can handle a g*n

and he's the only one who was
willing to work for that salary.

If, as you've told me,
his brother has been

(SHUSHING) Getting him out
of trouble since he was ,

I would think he'd be willing
to work for any salary.

You haven't said anything
to Uncle Edward?

Oh, don't be foolish.

Do you think he'd be allowed
to set foot in here if I had?

Aunt Ruth,
he is not a bad person.

Tim says that
gambling is a disease,

just like alcohol.

Nevertheless, I would not
have hired an alcoholic

to guard the museum

if I had known he was
one when I hired him.

I'm sorry.

I should have
told you before.

But he is working out

and he is the only one
I could get for that money.

Yes, that is a point.

When Edward makes
the next cut in the budget,

I'll be running the museum
all by myself.

Aunt Ruth, I think that
you should do something else.

I think you should
get out more.

Aunt Ruth, how'd you like
me to get you a date?

I'm not your age, Janie.

I don't date.

I didn't spend my time dating
when I was your age.

I was expected
to be here then, too.

Mother dated.

She wasn't expected
to be here.

How did she
get off?

She was lovely.

Lovely women are always
the exception.

I think you're lovely,
Aunt Ruth.

I think you're old-fashioned,
without being old.

I wish you were
my mother.

(DOOR CLOSES)

No, you don't.

I just saw Janie racing down the
corridor like an escaped convict.

Janie at least
knocks on doors.

Sorry.

I don't have much time
for old-fashioned manners.

There, you've just
said it, too.

Janie was trying
to pay me a compliment.

She called me old-fashioned.
And you just seconded it.

(HUMPHS)

Is that a compliment?

It's better than nothing.

"A compliment is something
like a kiss through a veil."

Yeah.

Oscar Wilde?

Victor Hugo.

Well, that's
close enough.

Whers Janie coming back?

She isn't.

Did you give her
the weekend off?

Edward, she can't spend all of her time here.
She'll wind up like me.

The books have
to be closed out

and the inventory
finished by next week.

Well, I'll be here till past
midnight again for two nights.

Hire a secretary.

With what?

This museum is a losing
concern, and you know it.

Museums are not
a money-making proposition.

Oh, please.
Not that again.

I'm the curator, Edward.

And I am the trustee.

Kindly keep in mind that I have to
manage all the funds Mother left

and that I have
what I consider to be

a sacred duty
to the family.

It's up to me
to make a profit.

Why do people always
speak of money as sacred?

Maybe because it is.

And the way
the museum is going,

there is no choice.

I'll have to k*ll it.

What did you say?

Oh, now,
let's not be shocked.

And let's not
make me the villain.

You've known what this
inventory would mean.

You've been keeping me
from it for months.

We can't go on pouring money
into this place.

We'd be several million
dollars richer,

I mean, all of us,

if we just

got rid of this silly place,
finally, and sold the contents.

That is a family decision,
I presume.

A majority family decision.
Two out of three.

And I'm going to broach the
subject to Sister tonight.

And it's my guess
she'll cast her vote my way.

She's beginning to check
the grocery bills.

And I'm counting pennies.

You always did.

Is that what you came
to talk to me about, Edward?

No.

I came in to see if you had any idea
yet who's pilfering the inventory.

I've found three Renaissance artifacts
missing so far that are on the list.

Fortunately, they're not
very expensive ones.

And I would appreciate your
attending to what is missing

instead of what
can be bought.

I'll attend to it
right away.

Oh! Ruth!

I'm sorry, it's habit.

I do everything I can, Edward,
to save money. I really do.

I run this place like a miser
in every area I can.

I know. I know, Ruth.
I'm sorry I shouted.

You're a good sport.

You always were.

"Nowadays we are so hard up"

"that the only pleasant things
to pay are compliments."

Victor Hugo?

Oscar Wilde.

Pick it up, please,
Mr. Shaeffer.

Miss Lytton?

The butt.

It's still burning.

Pick it up
and put it out.

And then I'd like to
see you in the garden.

May I die,
I wouldn't steal from you.

None of that is true.

(STAMMERING)
Who told you?

Mr. Shaeffer, you were
hired for this job

because my niece believes that she
is in love with your brother.

Your brother thinks that he
is in love with my niece.

He therefore confides
everything in her.

She, in turn,
confides in me.

Among the three of us,
you have no secrets.

Miss Lytton,

my brother doesn't know anything
about any new gambling debts.

The other night, two men
were here looking for you.

You told them
I worked here?

No.

But they will
find out.

Just as my brother
will find out

about the things that
you've stolen from us.

Why didn't you tell them
I worked here?

Why didn't you tell your
brother what you think I did?

Why did you let me keep on
working here if you knew?

Because I need you.

You... What for?

To arrange a robbery, for which
I'll pay you $ , in cash.

Are you
tape-recording this?

I'm not dumb,
you know.

No matter what
my brother thinks...

Mr. Shaeffer, I'm not
trying to trap you.

Why should I?
You and I can help each other.

Everything in the museum is insured
for a great deal of money.

Surely, you must know
how short we are of funds.

Oh, I get it.
Of course you do.

The robbery must be carried
out at : a.m. Tonight.

We'll go over the details
of how you are to break in.

Tonight?

I will give you a list
of the items,

of the things
that I want you to take.

Tonight? That's tonight?

Yes, that's right, tonight.
We have no time to waste.

You may be run over on another
sidewalk any minute now.

Tomorrow morning I want
you out of the country.

Miss Lytton, I don't
even have a passport.

I've had one
made for you.

It's in the name
of George Balonsky.

Now, I will meet you at : a.m.
Tonight, after the robbery,

on Sandhill Road.

At that time,
you will bring me

the items
that you have stolen.

I will give you the
passport and the money.

Mmm-hmm. And your brother
will report the robbery,

and they'll be on the lookout
for me in every airport...

Be quiet!

Just listen.

Here is $ ,
in advance.

You take it.
You buy anything you need.

The best part,
Mr. Shaeffer,

is that I have found a way
for you to disappear

so that no one
will look for you.

No one will associate you
with the robbery.

You'll have $ ,
and you'll be safe.

You can start a new life,
new name, new luck.

There is no way nobody's gonna associate
me with the robbery. Are you kidding?

I'd have to be dead.
Yes.

It will have to look that way.

(PHONE RINGING)

It's my wife. Come on,
we better get out of here.

TIM ON ANSWERING MACHINE: This is Dr.
Tim Shaeffer speaking.

I'm not on call this weekend.

However, if you wish to leave
a personal message for me

you have seconds
in which to do so.

Kindly wait for the beep.

(BEEP)

Tim, it's Milton.

I'm calling from a phone booth.
I haven't got another dime.

Tim, can you get here by : ?

I can't wait but minutes.

(STAMMERING) Tim, I'm in trouble.
I'm in real...

Hey! Hey, don't, don't...
Please, or I'll...

Why would she call
to warn you?

Because she always
gives me a warning.

She wants to interrupt me,
not to catch me.

Then she'd have to
give me a divorce.

Janie?

Yes, Mother?

It is considered
good manners

to say hello
to your mother

when you come
into the house

and goodbye
when you go out.

I'm sorry, Mother.

Hello.
Hello, Aunt Ruth.

Your Uncle Edward was furious
at your leaving this evening.

You know how much
he depended upon you

to help him tonight
with the inventory!

I'm sorry, Mother.
RUTH: It's my fault, Phyllis.

I told Janie she could
go out tonight.

I forgot what needed
to be done.

Ruth, you needrt always
be making excuses for her.

The day you forget an inventory,
I'll forget a cocktail party.

I thought you had one
at the Franksons'.

Oh, I see!

You had a quarrel tonight with
your date and came home early

hoping to have one of your quiet
little tête-à-têtes with Ruth

about life and loneliness
and heartbreak.

So sorry to have intruded.

I don't know what you're
talking about, Mother.

It's not early. It's : .

Janie, :
on a Saturday night

is usually the time
you're going out.

Well, then, I guess it was an early
night for both of us, Mother.

Oh, for heavers sake, stop
feeling sorry for yourself.

You have no reason
to avoid me

when you're going out
in the evenings.

I don't begrudge you
a social life.

Why do you act
as though I do?

Of course,
when I was your age,

I wouldn't leave a room
unless it was on a mars arm.

You didn't have to.

There was always
an arm to support you.

There still is.

That's why I left the Franksons' early.
Bill Sitwell was leaving.

There is a mars arm to support
any woman who wants one.

No.

Not any woman.

(SIGHING)

Eleventh-century
silver plate.

Small wooden dish,
th century.

Justinian book,
th century.

Miss Lytton!
What are you doing here?

(SHUSHING)

(WHISPERING) I have the
passport and the money with me.

I won't be able
to meet you later.

Quickly. Take the briefcase
over to the phone booth.

Mr. Shaeffer.

EDWARD: Hello?
Anyone down there?

(FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING)

Edward, I just knocked
everything over.

Ruth? But it's almost
: in the morning.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I do wish everyone
would stop asking me that.

(AIR HISSING)

MILTON: Tim,
can you get here by : ?

I can't wait but minutes.

(STAMMERING) Tim, I'm in trouble.
I'm in real...

Hey! Hey, don't, don't...
Please, or I'll...

(g*n f*ring)

I heard it ringing and I didn't
answer, and now he's dead.

Or dying.

It doesn't sound like
you'd have had much time

to do anything if you did answer, Dr.
Shaeffer.

He had no luck.

He always said it.

I always laughed.

I told him he was lucky
he was still alive.

What time did you pick up your
messages this morning, sir?

I don't know exactly.
About an hour ago.

It's : .

Well, I couldn't
sleep,

and I was expecting
a call from my wife.

Lieutenant, we called
the Lytton house.

I spoke to a
Miss Ruth Lytton.

She said her brother
fired Milton Shaeffer.

Yesterday morning
at about : .

You talk to the brother?

She won't wake him up, sir.

She says he was taking
an inventory last night

and was probably up until
: or : in the morning.

Did you know that your brother
had been fired, Dr. Shaeffer?

No. But it figures.
He always is. God, I...

(SNEEZING) I shouldn't
say that now.

We checked out
the Shaeffer apartment.

The landlady says she didn't
see him all day yesterday.

And nothing was taken.
We inventoried the place.

Okay. Well, lock it up, and I'll go
to the Lyttors and then check it out.

Yes, sir.

(SNEEZES)

Should you be up?

It's not a cold.
It's an allergy. Every spring.

From what you told me about your
brother, sir, it seems surprising

that he would be hired
for this sort of work.

Yes. It surprised me, too.

But people like the Lyttons
are often surprising.

Eccentric, I think is the
term, above a certain income.

Do you know
the Lyttons, sir?

By reputation.
Who doesn't?

Me, sir, for instance.

My wife reads the society columns
the way some people read the Bible.

There's some mention of Phyllis
Lytton Brandt every week.

Yes, sir,
I know what you mean.

My wife is
the same way about...

...Ann Landers'
Advice to the Lovelorn.

Well, I better be going.

Would you like an antihistamine
to dry you up, there?

Oh, no, sir, thank you.
Just makes me sleepy.

And at : in the morning
that's very dangerous.

(SNIFFLING)

(COLUMBO SNEEZING)

(SNIFFLING)

(BLOWING NOSE)

RUTH: Yes?

Oh, sorry.

Lieutenant Columbo, madam.
Homicide department.

Forgive me for
waking you up. Very nice.

Very nice little things
you have standing around.

Very nice.

Well, thank you,
Lieutenant.

Are you interested
in figurines,

or has there been
a homicide?

Oh, I'm sorry, madam.
Yes and no.

What I mean is, that's what
I'm trying to find out.

You know, when I say
"Homicide department,"

most women,
they act a little upset.

So I try and calm them
with a little chit-chat.

I've been doing that
for so long

that I forgot to notice
that you werert upset.

Forgive me
for wandering off.

I've disappointed you.
My sister won't.

You needrt even bother
saying "Homicide."

"Foul play" will do it.
She faints.

Oh, I hope not, madam.
That's the last thing I want.

What do you want, Lieutenant?
Perhaps if you told me.

Oh, I've wandered off again,
didn't I?

I'm afraid I let you.
Won't you sit down?

Thank you very much, madam.

It has to do with the new
guard at the museum.

Shaeffer.

I gathered that.

A Sergeant Miller
called to inquire about him

at : this morning.

Yes, madam. I'm sorry to have gotten
you up so early on a Sunday morning.

But, you see,
we got a call earlier...

I'm sorry, madam.
Forgive me.

Oh, no. Not at all.

Allergy.

Pollen, I should say.

Chamomile tea
is the best cure for that.

I detest modern medicine.
Don't you?

Yes, madam?

Cathy, would you bring the
lieutenant a cup of chamomile tea?

Yes, madam.

You got a report?

That Mr. Shaeffer
had disappeared.

He called his brother
last night about :

and he left a message on the
answering machine asking for help.

Then we heard a noise, which
we're pretty sure was a g*nsh*t.

Good heavens.

Yes.

We don't know
where the call came from,

so we're trying
to track him down.

Well, that's strange.
And awkward, too.

It leaves the museum
unprotected.

I shall have to ask my brother
to hire someone immediately.

He's the one
who fired Mr. Shaeffer.

Is he also the one
who hired him?

Yes.

No. No, wait a minute.
I believe my niece hired him.

It's kind of
a delicate question, madam,

but, I mean, considering
the way you live and all,

and considering what I found out about Mr.
Shaeffer this morning...

What did you find out,
Lieutenant?

Excuse me. Aunt Ruth?
Arert you coming to breakfast?

This is my niece, Jane.
This is Lieutenant Columbo.

Oh, how do you do, madam?

Your aunt was telling me
that you hired a Mr. Shaeffer.

How did you happen
to choose him for the job?

Madam?

Did you hire
Mr. Shaeffer?

How did you happen
to choose him?

Aunt Ruth?

It's all right, dear.
You can tell him.

Mr. Shaeffer is missing and the
lieutenant is trying to find him.

Oh. Why, I just put an ad in the
paper, and he applied, and he...

Good morning.
Come in, Phyllis, dear.

This is Lieutenant Columbo
of Homicide.

(EXCLAIMING)

You see?

What you will do
is continue the inventory.

Alone?

What about
Uncle Edward?

Let him sleep, dear.
Let him sleep.

He was probably up
half the night.

Sometimes, we must
be considerate.

Even to those
we're not in love with.

You know,

somehow I keep
forgetting that.

Aunt Ruth?

Aunt Ruth?

Aunt Ruth?

(YELLS)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(CRASHING)

Sorry about the car.
It's all right, sir. You got the dent.

COLUMBO: Miller!
What's happening?

Sergeant Miller!
I can't see.

MILLER: Yes, sir.
The light is off in the hall.

Right. Why is that,
Sergeant?

Because, sir, you said to leave
everything just as it was.

And the hallway is adjacent
to the m*rder room,

and one of the bodies
fell almost in the doorway.

DETECTIVE:
Sergeant Miller! Sergeant...

Oh, hi,
Lieutenant.

Say, Philips has to use a
flashlight to outline the bodies.

We've dusted the light switch
here and in the hall.

Now, can't we turn
the lights on?

Not until the
Lieutenant says so.

Thank you very much,
Sergeant Miller.

MILLER: This is just
the way we found it, sir.

COLUMBO: Oh,
very good, Sergeant.

Well, I think if we've
dusted the light switch,

you can turn on
the lights.

Yes, sir.

The contents of his pockets are
on the case here, Lieutenant.

He obviously
entered here

after cutting the alarm

and breaking
into the basement.

He then broke
into the cases...

Excuse me, Sergeant.
You done? Almost.

...Removed the objects, and
placed them in the briefcase.

And then he went
back down to his car,

saw the tire was flat,
and panicked.

Came back up here
and tried to call his brother.

Lytton surprised him
while he was on the phone.

He fired, and Lytton fired
at the same time.

And there you have it.

Right.

Well, we know
where Shaeffer is.

Call his brother. We'll get a
positive identification from him

when he gets
to the morgue.

Yes, sir.

What's this?

The contents
of his pocket, sir.

No, I know that,
Sergeant.

I mean this.

Oh. That's probably
from the case, sir.

It's old.

I know something
about relics, sir.

My wife and I...

Yes, mine, too.
He had it in his pocket?

Overcoat pocket.
Yes, sir.

And everything else
is in there?

Yes, sir.

Nothing in the briefcase
has been touched.

Very good, Sergeant.

Big briefcase.
Plenty of room still in there.

Yes, sir.

Wonder why he put this
in his pocket.

Excuse me,
Lieutenant.

We need a sh*t
of these articles.

Oh, very sorry.

You done?
Not yet.

He knew what he was doing, sir.
Muffled his footsteps.

Isn't that something?

He broke in here
in new shoes.

Yes. Well, he wore
rubbers, sir.

No, what I mean is,
Sergeant,

it takes a lot of footwork

to break into
a place like this.

Why wear rubbers?
Why not wear sneakers, or crepe soles?

These shoes are new.
They're stiff as a board.

I don't think you could
bend your foot in them.

Did you check to see if there are
any other stolen items on the body?

Not yet, sir. I didn't want to
change the position of the body.

Sergeant, is this paper
part of his contents?

Yes, sir. It is.

"Turn twice
right after midnight."

(WOLF-WHISTLES)
Look at that shirt!

"Turn twice
right after midnight."

Open his coat,
Can'ter.

Hmm.

Isn't that clever?
It's an outfit.

Is he wearing
an undershirt?

Yes, sir, he is.

Yeah. Does it have
a laundry mark?

Not that I
can see, sir.

COLUMBO: George, sh**t your
flashlight in here, will you?

Label is new.
It's stiff.

His hair was
falling out, sir.

The hairs are too
even for that.

Looks like he
just got a haircut.

And a manicure with it.

MILLER: Hmm,
that's some watch.

See something, sir?

Yeah, his watch is wrong.

My watch cost $ .

His must've cost a couple
of hundred, and it's wrong.

It says May st.

It goes to show you
money doesn't buy quality.

Lieutenant,
it is May st.

Your watch is wrong.
His watch is right.

Oh.

Well, what do you
expect for $ ?

That looks like
an insect bite, sir.

No, Sergeant.

It's not an insect bite.

Excuse me, George.

Did you go
through his car?

Yes, sir, I did.
There's nothing in it.

Not even
a spare tire.

And this is all there was
in his pockets.

That's very peculiar,
isn't it, Sergeant?

I have to be honest
with you, sir.

Everything seems
perfectly normal to me.

Why does it look
peculiar to you?

Because I think that every
stitch that Shaeffer is wearing

is brand-new.

And tropical.

I think he was dressed
to go on a vacation.

You mean with the haircut
and the manicure and all?

Yes.

But he had no luggage
and no cash.

That's what's peculiar.

And no passport.

Passport? Oh, sir, this guy's
not dressed for Europe.

More for Vegas.

If he was
going anywhere.

Oh, he was going
somewhere, Sergeant.

He was going
somewhere.

I was afraid of that.

There are so many
flowers around.

Oh, you shouldn't have bothered
with that, Miss Lytton,

at a time like this.

You've been here for quite
some time, Lieutenant.

Yes, madam. It can cast
a spell over you, this room.

It's a fascinating room,
isn't it?

I used to come here
often as a girl.

I came here to be alone.

When things happened.

I came here
when my mother d*ed,

and my father, too.

And before that.

I'm very sorry
about your brother, madam.

Thank you.

Is that your mother
as a girl?

She's got a nice face.

It's a happy face.

No. My mother was dead
when that was painted.

That's a portrait of me.

After I became engaged
to Peter Brandt.

It is a happy face,
isn't it?

Oh, I thought you were...

An old maid, yes?

That term refers to a woman
who has never been married,

not necessarily to someone
who's never been engaged.

Did something happen
to him, madam,

or did you just decide that
you didn't wanna marry him?

I didn't decide that.

My sister makes most
of the family decisions.

She did even then.

She just didn't like
this fella, huh?

No, I don't think
she did like him.

I thought she liked
him then, though.

So did she.
She married him.

(CHOKING)

I'm so sorry, Lieutenant.
I thought you knew.

Everyone else does.

She is
Mrs. Peter Brandt.

It was in
all the papers.

They eloped.

Oh, then your niece,
Janie...

Is the daughter that I
might have had. Yes.

I suppose that's why I feel
about her the way that I do.

Lieutenant,
tell me something.

Aside from being
under a spell,

what have you really been
thinking about all this time?

To tell you the truth,
Miss Lytton,

I've been thinking about the way Mr.
Shaeffer was dressed.

Oh?

You know, it's a funny way
to dress for a robbery.

Even Sergeant Shaw whistled,

and Sergeant Shaw has been known
to wear fluorescent ties.

Everything new,
including a haircut.

And then there was
the note.

What note?

He had it in his pocket.

Bear with me, madam.

Oh, he had this
in his pocket, too.

Everything else he stole he put
in the briefcase, except this.

It's funny, isn't it?

And the note.

"Turn twice
right after midnight."

And what do you conclude
from that, Lieutenant?

I think that Mr. Shaeffer was leaving
the country right after the robbery.

That he was going
some place tropical,

that he had made an
appointment to meet somebody

in order to get rid of the
stolen articles before he left,

"tonight."

And he held out one item because
he wanted it for himself.

And you know what else,
Miss Lytton?

What?

I think that whoever
he was going to meet,

he was going to meet right
here on the museum grounds.

That's fascinating.

Why do you think that,
Lieutenant?

Because this note
is a set of directions

and there's only one reason that there's
no streets and no addresses on it.

Because it is a place
that has no streets,

and he was already
at the address.

Right.

That's exactly
what I thought.

You would make a very good
detective, Miss Lytton.

Thank you.

You seem to have it
all figured out.

Yes, it all fits,
except for one thing.

Where's his luggage?

And where's his passport?

They're not in his apartment.
So who took them, and when?

If the hypothesis
doesn't fit the premise,

isn't it more reasonable
to question the hypothesis?

What hypothesis?

That Mr. Shaeffer was going to
leave the country right away.

Oh, that's not a hypothesis, about Mr.
Shaeffer leaving the country, madam.

That's a fact.

Because he had
new clothes and a haircut?

No, because of the insect bite that Sergeant
Miller thought Mr. Shaeffer had on his arm.

You see, it wasn't
an insect bite.

Last year, my wife and I, we went
on a vacation to the islands

and I had a mark
just like that on my arm.

And you know what it was,
Miss Lytton?

It was a vaccination.

I see.

All right, Lieutenant,
you proved your point,

that Mr. Shaeffer was
going to leave the country.

However, it doesn't mean that he was
going to leave the country tonight.

Now, don't forget that, after the
robbery, he would be a wanted man.

I would think that it would be difficult for
a wanted man to shop, to get a vaccination.

He would do everything first.

And I think he would wear the new clothes
that he bought if he liked them.

Shaeffer couldn't have waited.
He was, in many ways, a child-like man.

I'm sure his brother
has told you that already.

And so he had his luggage
and his passport stashed

wherever he was
going to hole up and wait.

Yeah, that would account
for everything, I guess.

Well, maybe it's
the atmosphere.

Maybe I'm trying to make something mysterious
out of something that's open and shut

just to sort of fit in
with this room.

Shall we leave, Lieutenant?
It's getting dark now.

We might as well.
Otherwise, I'd sit here forever.

I'll walk you home,
Miss Lytton.

That's it.

I beg your pardon?

What you just said.

I didn't say anything.

You said
it was getting dark.

It's nearly : .

That's what I mean, madam.

By : it will be dark.

Completely dark.

That means it was dark
last night when...

When it happened.
Of course.

But nothing in this room
had been touched, madam.

Nothing had been touched.

Don't you understand?

Nothing.

Don't you see?

Miller wouldn't even let
anyone touch the light switch

because I told him to leave
everything just the way it was.

That means the lights
were off last night.

Only they
couldn't have been.

It would be impossible
for two men

to sh**t and k*ll
each other in a dark room.

Where is the light switch,
Miss Lytton?

Right over here.

That's it.

That's what he did.

He?

Whoever m*rder*d your brother
and Mr. Shaeffer.

I'm afraid I don't quite
understand, Lieutenant.

Why couldn't one of them
have turned the lights on?

They could have.

But after they were dead,
Miss Lytton,

who turned them off?

Do you have a Darryl here?

Yes. Around the corner
and to the right.

DARRYL: And with
all these things,

you can just comb it with the
hands, like that. You see?

You don't need
to comb.

No, just with your fingers, that's all.
Just keep it casual.

Excuse me.
Darryl?

Here you are. And I'll see
you in the next month, okay?

MAN: Okay.
DARRYL: Yeah.

Excuse me, Darryl?
Yes.

A challenge, but I'll do my best.
Sit, please, please.

No. Actually, I just wanted
to ask you a few questions.

Oh, don't sue. Just wear a hat,
and never let him cut it again.

No, sir...

Is it that bad?

Mmm-hmm, yes.

Yes. And that's all the questions
I have time for. Next!

Cheryl, will you see what I have
in the book, please? Oh, sir.

Excuse me just one moment, sir.
Check it again.

Yes? Yes? Just one moment, sir.
My name is Lieutenant Columbo.

Columbo? Mmm-hmm.
I'm from Homicide. Yes.

And I would like, if possible, to
ask you a few questions about a...

Are you joking,
Lieutenant?

This is the middle
of a working day.

Well, sir, if you don't
answer the questions here,

I'm afraid I'll have to take you
down to the Police Department.

You see, this is
a m*rder case, sir.

Fine. Arrest me. I'd be disappointed
in the police if they didn't do that.

If I don't lose a fortune, cancel
the day, offend my customers,

you're gonna take me
to the police headquarters.

Well, go right ahead. Arrest me.
Do you have the handcuffs with you?

Why don't you handcuff me?
I'm surprised you don't b*at me unconscious

so you can carry me out
so I don't cause trouble.

Now, sir...
Isn't that correct?

No. Look. How about
just a haircut?

Haircut?
Yes.

That can be arranged.

Sergeant?

Yes, Lieutenant?

Sergeant, would you take my
wallet out of my back pocket?

She told me not to touch anything
until the polish hardens.

On the left, there.

Sergeant,
I've only got $ .

If you could loan me $ ,

and I think they'll expect a
tip, so give them cents.

Apiece?

I'll leave that to your
own judgment, Sergeant.

In the meantime,
I'll be in the car.

He came in just before closing time
on Saturday and bought the watch.

Very similar to yours. Works the same.
Only the case is different.

Well, my watch... I was just
wondering if you knew about this.

My watch
lost a day yesterday.

I was wondering, do you...
No. It didn't lose a day.

All calendar watches are
adjusted to have a -day month.

Now, last month had days.

Does your watch say the first
instead of the second?

Yes, the first.

Here. Give it to me.

You see,
in a -day month,

you have to turn your watch
hours ahead,

or else it'll say the st
instead of the first.

You have to
pass the twice.

This stem is very tight,
isn't it?

Oh, yes. You know, I was
afraid to turn it at all.

You see, I figured anything that
tight wasn't supposed to move.

Thank you very much
for trying to do that.

Oh, that's all right.
I do it all day long.

Showed Mr. Shaeffer how
to do it for minutes.

It took me another minutes
to explain it to him,

with the manager
leaning on the door.

Finally, I told him I'd be glad to
turn it a day ahead for him then.

But he said, "No, if you're
gonna have a calendar watch,

you might as well
have the right day."

There you go, Lieutenant.
All set.

Oh, thank you.

And thank you very much
for your cooperation.

Not at all.

Oh, incidentally,
I like your hair.

Darryl?

Uh, yes.

Thought so.

Yeah.

(KEYS JINGLING)

Hi, Miss Lytton.

Lieutenant. You look
in high spirits.

Oh, I am, Miss Lytton.
I am.

It turns out we may
be right after all.

Shaeffer told everybody that he was
leaving for the islands the next day.

Is it part of your job to trip people up?
Or to see if you can?

Trip people up?

Trip people up.

We never thought that Mr.
Shaeffer was leaving the next day.

You may recall I thought
exactly the opposite.

Gee, I forgot about that.
I get confused sometimes, you know?

I mean, just trying to keep all
the facts straight in my head.

Lieutenant, you must
never underestimate me.

Nor I you.

I don't in the least mind
you playing tricks,

but you're going to have to be
a little cleverer, aren't you?

I knew yesterday that you were going
to have to interrogate us, all of us,

because we are, all of us,
of course, under suspicion.

You have to be suspicious.

That's part of your job.

Well, I have to ask questions,
if that's what you mean.

I wouldn't say
that I was suspicious.

Your delicacy
does you credit.

You'd best save it
for my sister.

I'm afraid
you're going to need it.

She won't faint again,
will she?

I know it's...

I know it's a very bad
time for you, Mrs. Brandt.

No, go ahead. It's all right.
I can take it.

God help me.

Well, nothing
that bad.

I mean, I'm just gonna
ask a few questions.

Oh, God!
It was all so awful.

Maybe I should come back
another time.

No. I can't give in
like this. I can't.

I'm not what I seem
to be, Lieutenant.

I'm not made of lace.

Never was.

When I was a girl,

people used to say I got my
own way about everything

because I was
lovely-looking.

Perhaps so, but that
wasn't the only reason.

I had strength then.

I have it still.

I must be strong now.

'Cause that's the way
he would have wanted it.

All right, Lieutenant.
Examine me.

No, no, look, Mrs. Brandt,
it's a very tragic thing.

If you ever feel faint while
I'm asking you questions,

you'll let me know.

I mean, the last thing
I wanna do is upset you.

(SOBBING DRAMATICALLY) Oh!
Oh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(CLOTH RIPPING)

Well, thank you,
Mrs. Brandt.

That's all the questions
for today.

Thank you.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yes?

Are you all right?

Sure. Are you?

Fine, considering.

You better put
a robe on or something.

Lieutenant Columbo is here
to ask some questions.

Hell of a thing.
Makes you grow up kind of fast.

Yes. Yes.
Death does do that.

My father's didn't.

I don't remember very
much about his death.

No reason you should.
You were very small.

I wonder why Mother
never remarried.

You know, this is the first
time I ever wondered that?

She didn't fall
in love, I expect.

Love? Mother?

You protect her
when you're talking to me,

the same way you protect me
when you're talking to her.

You protect everybody.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Excuse me, I don't mean
to intrude or anything.

You're not intruding,
Lieutenant. Come in.

I just dropped by
on the way to my room

to see if Janie
was all right.

Excuse me.

I wonder if I could just ask you
a couple of things, Miss Janie?

Janie will do.

Sure, why not?

Nothing personal or anything.
I mean, it's just routine, you know.

I'm supposed
to ask questions.

You want to know where I was at
the time of the m*rder, right?

Yes.

I was with a lover

and I won't give his name unless
it becomes absolutely necessary.

Right.

Well, then,

thank you.

(WATER RUNNING LOUDLY)

Excuse me.

Gee, I'm sorry.

I knocked twice.
I really did.

I was in the kitchen
the whole time.

Ask anybody.

Oh, boy! Thanks.

Well, you've got some family,
Miss Lytton.

Everybody thinks I'm getting
ready to arrest them.

Everybody but me.

Yes, it's a relief,
talking to you.

I was beginning
to feel like a policeman.

You are a policeman,
and a good one.

You say a thing when you're
ready to say it and not before.

You know how to keep a secret.

What kind of secret?

I just know that you have one.

I know the look.

My brother-in-law had
that look the day he d*ed.

Does Janie know that you and
her father were once engaged?

Of course.
I have no secrets from Janie.

None?

Only one.

I gather that you've been reading old
society columns and birth certificates.

I became curious when you
told me about Peter Brandt.

Lieutenant, that is a part of my life
that I don't discuss with anyone,

and I don't feel that I know you well
enough to discuss it with you now.

None of my business.
I'm sorry.

Oh, by the way, I do have one
little problem, Miss Lytton.

It's about the alibis.

Arert you satisfied that we
were all telling the truth

about where we were
at the time of the murders?

The problem is,

the murders didn't
take place at : .

I thought you said that Mr.
Shaeffer made a phone call

into an answering machine
on a tape,

and that he
mentioned the time.

He did.

He was lying.

I understand the note
that Mr. Shaeffer had now.

The one that said, "Turn
ahead twice at midnight."

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Mr. Shaeffer had a
calendar watch like mine.

It has to be set
to May st by hand.

In order to do that,
you have to

turn it past the twice
after midnight.

Mr. Shaeffer's watch
had been set to May st.

That means he was probably
still alive at midnight.

How can you be sure of that?

The salesman
where he bought the watch

said that he explained how it worked to Mr.
Shaeffer for minutes

because Mr. Shaeffer said,

"If you're gonna have a calendar watch,
you might as well have the right day."

And in order to have
the right day,

he would have to turn the watch
twice right after midnight,

just as the note said.

How brilliant
you are, Lieutenant.

Tell me,
why would he lie?

Why would he want everyone to believe
that it was earlier than it was?

That's what I can't
figure out, madam.

Unless...

Unless somebody
told him to.

Yes, but why would somebody
tell him to, madam?

Lieutenant, I do wish you would
stop trying to trip me up.

You know the answer to that.
You just said it yourself.

At : everyone had an alibi.

But even if you're right and somebody
told him to do it, why did he listen?

I mean, why provide somebody
with an alibi, time and all,

by pretending to die?

Obviously, he didn't think
it was an alibi,

because he didn't think
he was going to die.

Since Edward
didn't sh**t him,

someone else must have
made an arrangement with him.

Someone who wanted him dead
and who wanted an alibi.

Suppose they planned
the robbery together,

Mr. Shaeffer and the man
who sh*t him,

and all Shaeffer
was planning to do

was to leave the country with some antique
gold jewelry won'th quite a lot of money.

But, then, let's say
that the cohort sh*t him,

Edward heard the noise,
came downstairs,

and then, of course,
Edward had to be k*lled, too.

Yes.

That must have been very close
to the way it happened.

Cake?

No, thank you.
Well, maybe. Thanks.

Hey, they look delicious.

Lieutenant, I better tell you something
before you find out yourself.

There's an artifact
missing from the museum.

What kind
of an artifact?

It's gold.

It's a small, rectangular piece
with carved stripes on it.

It's won'th
quite a lot of money.

It's been missing
about two weeks.

Did you report it
to the insurance company?

No, no. Edward
didn't want me to.

Why not, madam?

Well, he said
he knew who had taken it

and he preferred to take care
of the matter himself.

Did he tell you who?

No. Edward was
a very stern man.

He wasn't given to emotional
outbursts any more than I am.

Except this one time,

two weeks ago,
about the artifact.

I told him that I was going
to report it no matter what,

and I thought
he was going to strike me.

He went into a rage.

Who else had access?

I did.

Yes, but who else,
Miss Lytton?

No one.

No one at all?

Not to my knowledge.

Miss Lytton, Janie's friend, the
man that she was with at : ,

that was Mr. Shaeffer's
brother, wasn't it?

Why would you say that?

You must have known that
Janie hired Mr. Shaeffer

because he was
her lover's brother.

And Janie has no money
of her own.

And it must have
occurred to you

that it was Janie that your
brother was furious at.

And that Janie knew it.

No! No! I swear!

I don't believe it.
I swear to you, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant,
I'm telling you the truth.

I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.

I don't believe
that Janie did it.

A search warrant!

I have never been
so insulted. Never.

What's it
look like?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Brandt.
I thought the investigation warranted it.

I'll have you
disbarred for this.

Or whatever the hell
that word is.

Yes, madam. "Fired," I think,
is the word you want.

Worse than that.
You'll never get another job,

not in this city,
not in this state,

not in any police force
in the country.

I am not without certain
influence, Lieutenant Columbus.

MILLER: Lieutenant Columbo,
can I see you a moment?

I found this dish in her
room, hidden on a shelf.

That's it.

MILLER: That's motive,
means and opportunity.

I guess it is, Miller.

Book her.

Sergeant, you will not
get away with this.

I am not the weak, fragile
creature that I appear to be.

Somewhere, somewhere
inside, I am strong.

MILLER:
Miss Jane Brandt,

I am arresting you for the double
m*rder of your uncle, Edward Lytton,

and Milton Shaeffer.

Now, you have the right
to remain silent...

Strong!

EDWARD ON TAPE: Necklace.
Turquoise and gold.

Same period.

Necklace. Gold and cloisonné.

With pendants.
Same period or slightly later.

Kn*fe scabbard,
gold-encrusted.

Lieutenant?
Kn*fe scabbard.

Lieutenant?
Gold...

(SWITCHES TAPE PLAYER OFF)

I'll bet you don't know
the difference

between Byzantine

and the Renaissance.

You've been listening to those tapes
for over seven hours, Lieutenant.

You see, the Middle Ages
werert as dark

as everybody thought
they were...

Lieutenant...
or the Renaissance as light.

Now, the French Renaissance
jewelry, some of it,

wasn't as garish
as the Turks' and the Arabs'.

Garish?

That's a good word, isn't it?

Yes, sir,
I've always liked it.

You know, it's funny.

Listening to Lyttors
voice on the inventory tapes

and then listening to Shaeffer's
on the answering machine,

both of them dead,

and both of them, you know,

like they were trying
to tell you...

Seven hours is a long time
in a room like this.

I just wanna hear
this tape again.

What is it I can't hear?

...Jewel-encrusted...

(JAIL DOOR CLANGING)

How you feeling, Janie?

I brought you some stuff
to nibble on.

Food here's
not too good, is it?

And some cigarettes.

Figured you might run out.

There.

Plenty of ketchup.

Smoke?

Mad at me, huh?

That cheeseburger's nice and hot.
I just picked it up.

Had them put everything on it.
Don't know if you like onions or not. Do you?

No.

Okay, okay.

Do you recognize it
or not?

Yes.

It's the briefcase that
Shaeffer used in the robbery.

How do you know?

It was on the floor
next to the body.

He was still holding it.

Gee, you're a pretty
observant person, huh?

You only saw it
that one time?

No. Of course not.

I saw it when I arranged
the robbery with Shaeffer,

and I saw it again when I
k*lled him and Uncle Edward.

Is that true?

You think it is,
so what's the difference?

It's gonna make a difference in
court if you talk like that.

I'm not in court now.

Janie, I'd like
to help you.

Is that why you brought
all this stuff?

Just to see whether I'd have a
reaction to the briefcase or not?

Very smart.
You proved your point.

I would appreciate it
if you'd go now.

Why did your mother
marry your father?

She was in love
with him, I guess.

Is that true?

I wasn't alive then.

Well, that's open
to question, isn't it?

I don't understand what this
has to do with anything.

Now, you don't have to answer any of my
questions without a lawyer unless you want to.

But I think the truth is this.

Your mother went off with
your Aunt Ruth's boyfriend.

They eloped
on a Thursday.

It was June th, and they didn't
come back until after you were born.

And you were born on December
th, two days after Christmas.

What is that?

That's a copy of your birth certificate.
It's on file in Sacramento.

It means that Mrs. Brandt was three
months pregnant when they eloped.

Did you know that,
or didn't you?

Lieutenant, what happened then
is nobody's business anymore

except for my mother's
and my Aunt Ruth's.

If I never talked
to them about it,

why should I talk to you?

You love your Aunt Ruth
a lot, don't you?

More than your mother.

Maybe more than anybody.
You wouldn't like to see her get hurt, would you?

She must have been
hurt plenty back then.

Enough so that she got left
without anything, right?

Anything but the museum,
that is.

What do you want?

You were only seven
when your father d*ed.

He d*ed of a heart att*ck,
didn't he?

That's what
the coroner's report said.

That he'd had
two heart att*cks,

that he was under
a doctor's care,

and there was no autopsy.

Your Aunt Ruth said that your
mother wouldn't hear of it.

And the doctor probably didn't see
any reason for an autopsy anyway.

How can you be so positive
about all that?

When I saw your Aunt Ruth
the other day,

she began talking about
your father and his death.

Your Uncle Edward's death
reminded her of it.

So? Death always
reminds you of death.

Right. And m*rder
reminds you of m*rder.

Even when you don't know it,
you begin to think it.

I don't know what you mean.

Don't you?

He d*ed of a heart att*ck.
Everyone knows that.

Heart att*cks can be made to happen
in a lot of different ways, Janie.

Do you know that digitalis and
quinidine can have a reverse effect

if the dose is too high?

And it needrt even be that high a
dose if a man has a weak heart.

The coroner's report on your father
said that his condition was bad,

and that he had other
minor complications.

Not big ones.

Little ones
that the doctor knew about,

and your Aunt Ruth knew about
because she was nursing him.

He had asthma,

he was susceptible
to infection,

it's why he had a bad cold
the week that he d*ed.

So what?

So she probably gave him
a lot of chamomile tea.

It was a lovely
funeral service.

Lovely.

I can't think why
you left early, Ruth.

I didn't.
You left late.

Well, if I've
told you once,

I've told you
a thousand times.

I don't leave a room unless I
have a mars arm to support me.

Especially not after
an experience like this.

I just know everything's gonna
be all right with Janie.

I know it.

(SILVERWARE RATTLING)

Cathy, for heavers sake, will you stop shaking?
You'll spill the gravy.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(EXCLAIMS)

My God.

Sorry, madam.

It's all right, Cathy.
I'll get the door.

Sorry, madam.

Aunt Ruth, please
don't listen to him.

Please don't listen
to what he's gonna say.

It's all right, Janie.
It's all right.

Come in, Lieutenant.

But you don't know
what he's gonna say.

(SOOTHINGLY) It doesn't matter.
It's all right.

(WHISPERING)
Come.

Jane! Oh, my God.

Mother, please don't faint.
It's all right.

Have you come here to t*rture
us again, Lieutenant?

Haven't you
done enough?

I'm releasing your niece
in my cognizance, Miss Lytton.

Releasing her?

That's right.

I don't think
she k*lled anybody

and I don't think
she stole this, either.

She's been using it
all afternoon as an ashtray.

She doesn't even know
what it is.

What is it?

Janie, for
heavers sake!

Your aunt's been teaching you
Byzantine art for three months.

Don't you know?

No, she doesn't.

And she doesn't even know how we
happened to be looking for it.

And she doesn't know
how we knew

that it was missing for two
weeks before the m*rder.

He thinks that you k*lled
my father, Aunt Ruth.

What?

He thinks
that you hated him.

He thinks that you hated all of
us so much that you k*lled him.

He doesn't know
how much you love us.

He doesn't know how you've
kept the family together.

You never would
have tried to do this

if you knew how much my
Aunt Ruth has done for us.

How much she's done
for me.

All I've got is
a tape recording.

I don't think it's enough
to convict you.

It's your brother's voice.
It's from the inventory that he was taking.

This tape is dated
April th.

EDWARD ON TAPE: Miniature incised gold
piece, Bronze Age. One inch square.

Miniature halberd,
same period.

Inch and a half.

Gold-mounted button,
green, same period.

Gold beaker, same period.
Six inches.

Halberd, one inch square,
miniature.

Large gold belt buckle,
Bronze Age.

Three and a half
by five inches.

(TAPE PLAYER CLICKS)

I wanna hear
that last item again.

Large gold belt buckle...

(TAPE STOPS)

Large

gold

belt buckle.

That's it, Miss Lytton.

Sergeant Miller and I,
we thought it was a dish.

We were wrong.
It wasn't a dish.

It was a gold belt buckle.

And it was there
the night that Edward d*ed.

It was never missing at all.

Lieutenant, I don't know
what you're talking about.

And you never will, Mrs.
Brandt, unless this case goes to trial.

And then
it will all come out.

What your brother said to you
about something being missing.

And what you said to me.

Janie,

it wasn't true what he told you
about my k*lling your father.

Was it, Lieutenant?

You lied about that,
didn't you?

Tell her
it wasn't true.

Tell her.

It was all such
a long time ago.

It couldn't matter
to anyone anymore.

Only to Janie.

Yes, madam.

It wasn't true.

I lied about that.

It won't be necessary to use the
tapes as evidence, Lieutenant.

Yes, madam.

Lieutenant,

may I take your arm?

It's my pleasure,
Miss Lytton.