07x02 - m*rder Under Glass

[bunniefuu]

PAUL ON TV: Good afternoon,
this is Paul Gerard,

and once again,
the world is my kitchen,

a world of fine dining in the
restaurant and in your home.

In Japan, it is said, meals
are prepared for the eye,

as well as the palate.

This is not true, however,
of an eating ritual

known as Odori,
the dance of the flesh.

In a country where most people
like their seafood fresh and raw,

there are those
who prefer it lively.

The shrimp is still wriggling as it
is quickly dipped into the sauce

and eaten with gusto.

You can never say he allows himself
to be blinded by good taste.

Only by money.

Still, he's done
all right for us.

Not me, not anymore.

PAUL: In the case of fugu,
the Japanese blowfish,

this is quite literally true.

The tiger fugu, considered to
be the most delicious variety,

is also the most deadly,

a remarkably potent poison

unless the highly toxic liver
and other organs

are removed with great skill.

I'm getting out.

Ah, when?

Tonight.
Tonight?

He's finished.

...Or a tiny residue
of the poison.

A taste of eternity.

Adorable.

(ALL LAUGHING) Paul, we need a
couple with just the package, now.

Life would be unbearable without
my daily portion of Bon Snax.

Good.

Yes, yes,
my anchovies would weep

and my pâté would be desolate

and my Camembert inconsolable.

Am I breaking
your heart, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Keep it up,
you're doing great.

How many more, fellas?
Oh, just one more, please.

Always just one more.

If you gave a photographer
lashes,

he'd still ask
for just one more.

Terrific. Enough.

Bonjour, and Bon Snax.
Thanks, Paul.

EVE: This way, gentlemen.

Eve, we'll have the proofs and we'll get
them back to you in a couple a days.

The check would be
even nicer.

(DOOR OPENING)

My notes for the
Restaurant Writers' dinner?

Notes.

Did you call
the airport?

Mr. Ozu's flight
will be on time.

You are flawless. A gem.

What kind of gem?

A sapphire.

Too cool.
I'd rather be an emerald.

Consider it done.

Paul, can I ask you
a question?

Certainly.

Are we having an affair?

I would say
a prelude to an affair.

That's terrific, Paul.

Why do I have to do
that stuff at the bank?

Because you must.
I hate it.

Banking is part
of your job.

It's underhanded.
Are you an accountant, Eve?

No, I'm not.

And I'm not
Irene DeMilo, either.

Why do I have to pretend
to be Irene DeMilo?

Because we're having
an affair.

I thought
it was just a prelude.

The prelude is
almost concluded.

The affair
is about to begin.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Vittorio.

You flatter my poor restaurant, Mr.
Gerard.

Come on. We both know
your restaurant is superb.

Let's dine together
and we'll be friends again.

We'll dine.

You invited yourself
and so we will dine.

Albert,
my favorite chef Italiano.

Mr. Gerard. What have you been
concocting for us here, hmm?

My antipasto.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Rosemary, shallot,

a touch of juniper.
Very good, very good.

Anything else, Vittorio?

No, that's it, Alberto.
You've done very well.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

So.
So.

It seems
you do not take seriously

what I told you on the phone.

I do not require
your praise anymore.

Not your radio,
your television,

no more newspapers,
no magazines.

As you please.
It's your restaurant.

I'm finished
with our little arrangement.

Not one penny more. Capisce?

This is very good.

So it's no more
% for you,

Mr. Paul Gerard.

Mr. Famous Paul Gerard.

I'll tell the world
what you are.

Haven't you forgotten something?
Proof? I have proof.

No, you forgot the wine.

May I suggest a cabernet?

May I suggest a Margaux,
maestro?

Fine, fine.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

When I'm finished
with you,

you'll starve like
a beggar in the streets.

Margaux.

(VITTORIO CHATTERING)

What a pity
it has to end like this.

VITTORIO: What'll you write?

Vittorio's is
a rotten restaurant?

What a pity. Well,

ciao,

old friend.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Now, wait, wait.
Tonight I gave you a lesson.

(BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(VITTORIO GROANING)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(GROANING)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)

Paul Gerard?
Yes.

I was called.
I'm Sergeant Burke.

You wanna wait here
a minute, please?

The police asked me to get in touch
with Paul Gerard. He's here now.

(INAUDIBLE)

Mr. Gerard?

Mr. Paul Gerard?
Yes.

Ah, forgive me, sir,
for eating this way,

but I didn't have
a chance to go home

and Chef Albert, he was good enough to
prepare me a bowl of his cioppino.

It's terrific.

He uses a freshly grated lemon
peel to give it that extra zing.

Well, I don't have to
tell you that, sir.

Mr. Gerard,
this is a real pleasure.

I never miss
one of your columns.

My name is
Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide.

Lieutenant,
I came immediately

as soon as
the police called.

I can't believe,
Vittorio dead.

Poison?

Well, that's the medical
examiner's opinion.

Please, sit down, sir.

Thank you.

My God, poison.

I ate the same meal.

Albert prepared it.

Ah, yes, sir,
that's what he told me.

May I ask, sir,
how you feel?

I don't know. I'm not sure.

I was at the airport,
then home.

No ill effects.

And then you came
directly here, sir?

Yes, I...

You said
Albert cooked that?

Delicious and it's all
in the basil and the garlic.

Oh, I see
what you mean, sir.

Albert, the poison.

Oh, I doubt that
very much, sir.

When we brought him in to question
him, he became very indignant.

He grabbed a Kn*fe and fork, he
started to eat everything in sight.

He's in perfect health, sir.

And the boy? Mario?

As I understand it,
he didn't eat.

I wonder why the mussels
that you buy in the store

never turn out this way.

Oh, I do a little cooking,
sir, nothing fancy.

Mrs. Columbo,

she's a remarkable woman.
She has lots of interests.

But cooking
isn't one of them.

She gives me plenty
of encouragement.

Feeling better, sir?

Yes, yes, thank you.

Well, what I was
going to ask you, sir,

didn't the...

Did you say you went
to the airport tonight?

Yes, to meet a friend.

And then you came right here?

No, Lieutenant,

the call from the police didn't
reach me until I returned home.

And how long
would you say it took you

to get from your home
to here?

I came immediately.

From the phone call
to my arrival,

about eight minutes.
Is this important, Lieutenant?

Not at all, sir.
Just for my report.

What I wanted to ask you,

did the victim show any signs
of being in trouble?

No. Certainly nothing
like that.

Are you sure, sir?

Nothing you
might have forgotten?

Lord knows you'd be entitled if
something slipped your mind.

All this stress,

all this poison flying around.

What makes you think Vittorio
was in some sort of trouble?

Mainly because
he was m*rder*d, sir.

The two, trouble and m*rder,
they seem to go together.

At least that's been
my experience, sir.

Lieutenant.

Albert,
can all this be true?

Mr. Gerard,

Vittorio was a fine man.

You're a food critic,
a great critic.

I'm a simple chef,

but I'm sure I speak
for chefs everywhere

when I say I wish it
was you dead in there.

Oh, Albert.

Lieutenant, the boy, Mario,
you can speak to him now.

I'm going home
to finish getting drunk.

Thank you, Albert.

We'll be in touch, Albert.

Poor man. He's overwrought.

Well, I guess
we're all overwrought.

May I help with Mario?

Certainly.

You want to hear
a coincidence, Mr. Gerard?

I was listening to your
program on my car radio

one day last week, and I
go through this tunnel

and I missed the end of a terrific
recipe on some kind of sauce.

Do you remember
the name of that?

Could it be béchamel?

No. This is something I'm
gonna spring on Mrs. Columbo.

Rémoulade? Hollandaise?

I'm gonna think of it
in a minute.

It's some kind of
a French name.

May I ask
who called the police?

He did, sir. Mario.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

But he doesn't speak
a word of English.

Well, he's a very
bright boy, sir.

As Sergeant Burke understands it,
he called his mother in Genoa

and she called the police
here long distance.

Genoa.

He's remarkable.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

As I understand it, sir,

you left without
finishing your dinner.

Yes, fortunately.

And before the victim showed
any effects from the poison.

Well, yes.

I'll just question
the witness.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Calm. Calm.

(COLUMBO SPEAKING ITALIAN)

He says he loved his uncle.
I believe him.

Why would he
k*ll his uncle?

What else did he say?

He said his uncle was very angry.
Slamming drawers.

Why would he be
slamming drawers?

I mean, why would
he even open drawers?

He put the tray there.

Nothing has been put away.

Why would he open drawers?

Have to think about that.

Look at those beautiful pots.

The boy said something about an
argument and a lot of shouting.

What was that about, sir?
It was a trivial matter.

Yes, sir. Most arguments
seem to start that way.

Every year the restaurant
writers have an awards dinner.

For the past three years we've
held it here, at Vittorio's.

This year the committee decided to
have the dinner at Chez Duvall.

Vittorio saw it as a slight,
an insult.

I'm on the committee
and he accused me

of suggesting the change,
of influencing their choice.

Did you do that, sir?

Yes, sir.

In all honesty,
I must confess that I did.

Mr. Gerard, I want to
thank you for your help.

Oh, I'm pleased
to do what I can.

Oh, there's just
one other thing.

The victim's
appointment book.

He had you down
for dinner at : .

Yes.

And the entry before that

at :

was for a meeting with an M.
Choy and an M. Duvall.

Do those names
mean anything to you, sir?

M. Choy would be Mary Choy,
She owns the House of Choy.

And M. Duvall?
Who would that be?

Max Duvall,
the owner of Chez Duvall.

Vittorio knew them both.

But I don't see how this meeting
could be of any importance.

Well, it probably isn't, sir,
but Vittorio thought it was.

He has the entry
heavily outlined

with four exclamation points
after it.

That's odd.
Well, what's even odder

is he did the same thing
with your name.

And he drew a circle
and an arrow.

PAUL: That's bizarre.

Linking your name
to theirs.

That's pretty bizarre.

Do you know, sir,
any reason

that he might have
marked his book that way?

No. None.

I must say
it's very strange.

Lieutenant, it's very late.

It's been a harrowing day.
Good night.

Sorry, Mr. Gerard, but I can't
let you get away with it.

What?

Your recipe. You didn't think
I'd remember, did you?

It's onion sauce.

Then it was Soubise.
Sauce Soubise.

It's a simple recipe.
I'll get it for you.

I'd certainly
appreciate that, sir.

Good night, sir.

Good night.

MAX: Nobody lives forever,
but poison?

Who can figure poison?
Who could imagine a thing like that?

Vittorio Rossi.

We were apprentices together.
Hotel school, Switzerland, just boys.

As I understand it, sir, you had
a meeting with him yesterday,

and I was wondering...

Is that what I think it is?

Is that galantine of duck?

Yeah, this is my galantine.

You know, I've read about
these in a cookbook,

but I have never
actually seen one.

And those black buttons,
are they real truffles?

Why, of course.

And the green mosaics here,
pistachios.

And there's another
kind of meat there, inside.

Mmm-hmm. Ham.

It's a real
work of art, sir.

What I wanted to ask you,

you had a meeting with Mr.
Rossi at : yesterday.

Can you tell me
what that was about?

Well, it was social. Cocktails, shop
talk, gossip among old friends.

Since you were one of the last
few people to see him alive,

can you...

Do you suppose...

Could I try to do that?

This? Oeufs en Gelée?

Eggs in aspic.

I'd really like
to try to get the feel.

The way you garnish
a dish like this.

Yes, go right ahead.

Thank you very much.

What I wanted
to ask you, sir,

it has to do with
the victim's frame of mind.

Lieutenant Columbo,
I am Louis, the chef.

Well, it's a very
great pleasure, sir.

Vittorio was my friend.
I wish you luck.

And I've prepared
a little something for you.

Stuffed mushrooms.

Champignons farcis au crabe.

Are those made
with a béchamel sauce?

Exactly.

Well, I'm going to
enjoy this very much.

Merci, monsieur.
Thank you, sir.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

We all loved Vittorio.

We'll miss him, Lieutenant.

Tell me something.

In your last meeting
with Vittorio,

did he express any fears?

Did he mention anything
about a death thr*at?

No, not a thing. In fact,

I found him preoccupied,
withdrawn.

He was strangely silent.

A lot on his mind?

It was all bottled up
inside, ready to explode.

No, there was nothing to suggest
that he was a potential victim.

On the contrary,
he seemed like a man

about ready to commit
m*rder himself.

And you got all that
through his silence?

You're a very
perceptive man, Mr. Duvall.

WAITER: Would you care for some chartreuse, Mr.
Gerard? Thank you. Light lunch today.

Well, this is
quite a coincidence.

I had no idea
you were here.

Would you care to join me?

Well,
I'm really not hungry, sir.

I just polished off three
mushrooms stuffed with crabmeat.

But I'll join you anyway.

If you're anything like me, you're
not too crazy about eating alone.

I'm beginning to regard you as
an old acquaintance, Lieutenant.

Well, thank you
very much, sir.

I'm beginning to know you
pretty well, too.

Would you care
for some champagne?

No, thank you.

I know you're going to be
very glad to hear this, sir.

I got the poison report
back from the lab.

They still don't know
what kind of poison it was

that k*lled
your friend Vittorio,

but they found out
it wasn't in the food.

It was in the wine.

The wine?

That's extraordinary.

Why should I be glad to hear
that the poison was in the wine?

Well, don't you see, sir?

That immediately strikes you
right off my list of suspects.

According to the boy, Vittorio
didn't even open the bottle

until after you left.

I wasn't aware that I was on your
list of suspects, Lieutenant.

I must say
I find all this very puzzling.

It is puzzling, isn't it, sir?

I mean,
here's this boy, Mario,

sent to the wine cellar
for a bottle of Margaux

and he picks it at random

and it's laced with poison.

How do you explain
a thing like that?

Lieutenant Columbo,
I was a friend of Vittorio's.

With my compliments.

Caviar? Smoked Salmon?

And fois gras.

Well, thank you very much.

This is a sensational layout.

Good luck, sir.

Gee, this reminds me.

Mrs. Columbo said to pick
up something for dinner.

PAUL: Now, I know this isn't
my area of expertise,

but I have a theory.

Now, please, don't laugh.

I wouldn't consider it, sir.

It's just that it could
have been an accident.

An accident?

The poison got into
the bottle by accident?

It could have happened at the chateau,
where the wine was bottled.

Some insecticide, perhaps,
it spilled, wasn't noticed.

The wine was corked
and shipped.

Well, that's a very
interesting notion, sir.

But the World Health
Organization has no record

of any outbreak of poisoning
in the French vineyards.

I see.

Does this feel ripe, sir?

I don't think
it's squishy enough.

It's ripe.

Sorry about your theory, sir.

But there is
another possibility.

That Vittorio might have been
planning to m*rder somebody himself.

And he did have that
dinner date with you, sir.

You mean
he planned to m*rder me?

Well, let's examine it.

Suppose it was Vittorio who put
the poison in the wine bottle

thinking that
you would drink it.

And when you walked away,

he made the fatal mistake
of drinking it himself.

Yes.

I can see how that
could be possible.

You can, sir?

Well, maybe you can
explain it to me.

I mean, how could a man
make a mistake like that?

I don't even understand why
Vittorio would want to k*ll you.

Can you think of a reason?

Of course not.
You're perfectly right.

The whole idea
is ridiculous.

Well, it was my idea, but
I'll think of better ones.

How did the poison
get into the wine?

That's the question.

But don't worry
about it, sir.

I'm gonna write
that out on a card

and I'm gonna paste it up
on my shaving mirror

and that's all
I'm gonna think about.

PAUL: Eve.

I've been a fool.

Interesting.
How long have you been a fool?

Since I forced you
into that damn business

with the Irene DeMilo account.

It wasn't fair.

Did you say affair?

Eve, go to the bank
one last time.

Oh, no.

Close out the account and go
home and pack your things.

I'm moving in?
You will need a passport.

A passport?
Your next assignment.

Go to Paris.

Why?
A new book.

It's time to revisit the
great restaurants of Europe.

I'm tied up, so you eat
the food of the gods.

I'll meet you in one month.

And then we'll travel
the Mediterranean, Spain...

Oh, and the Greek islands?
Yes.

How selfish I am.

You have so much to do
and I keep you in my arms.

It's all right.
To sum up, first the bank,

an end to the DeMilo account,

then France,
Italy, Spain...

And Monte Carlo.

You will never forget
Monte Carlo.

You have the bank book?

Yes, it's in my bag.
Good. Hurry back.

I'll have your itinerary.
You leave tomorrow.

Oh, Paul, I need
at least three days.

Three days.
Wait, what about the dinner?

Europe is calling.
Go, go, go.

Mario, come ahead.

Gerard is still
sitting here.

Vittorio, he's over here, he's
putting his plate on the sink.

Yelling, carrying on.

Gerard gets up
and leaves.

The bottle is still corked.

Mario goes after him.

Mario.

Here's where Vittorio
had to open the bottle.

Drinks.

Mario comes back. Mario!

This is depressing.
This is very depressing.

Vittorio picks up the tray,
takes it to the sink.

Slams a couple of drawers.

He turns around.

"What's this?" he says.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(GROANING)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

All right,
enough of that.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

What was he doing
slamming drawers?

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Like he broke the drawer?

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Cancelled checks

drawn from
Vittorio's bank.

$ , $ ,

$ , $ .

Holy Toledo. Must be
$ , worth.

Restaurant
Developers Association.

They're all made out to the
Restaurant Developers Association.

Here's their stamp
on the back.

What's the Restaurant
Developers Association?

Never heard of it.

Nevertheless,

you'll observe I'm taking
these into police possession.

They gonna tell you how the
poison got into the wine?

All right, now,
we do it all over again.

Not with me.
This is too depressing.

Wait a minute, Albert.

How does this thing work?

I know there's
some kind of cartridge.

This...

Another clue?

COLUMBO: If there's poison
in that cartridge,

then that's a clue.

COLUMBO: I want to take this
down to the police lab.

We'll see if the boys there
find any poison.

Good.

You're a good detective.

Leave no stone unturned.

You want me to fix you anything
else to eat before I go?

No, thank you very much,
Albert.

The poached scallops
will hold me just fine.

See you later, kid.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

That's the kind of man
Vittorio was,

tough when it was good
to be tough,

generous when it was right
to be generous.

Now let me tell you something
I don't think you know yet,

how generous he was to me
and to his nephew, Mario.

In his will, Vittorio left us
his restaurant.

To both of us.
With one condition,

that I train Mario the way
Vittorio would have trained him.

To me that means
just one thing.

That I train Mario to be a
great man like his uncle.

ALBERT: A great chef
and a great manager.

Tough and generous.

Okay, Vittorio,
I make you this promise...

(INAUDIBLE)

(ALBERT CONTINUES SPEAKING)

ALBERT: Now, friends,
before you go...

I know you all want to get back.
You're all busy people.

But I want you to know
that the man in charge

of investigating Vittorio's
m*rder is here today.

The man who is
going to catch that m*rder*r,

Detective Lieutenant Columbo.

Lieutenant, we're
behind you, all of us.

And I want you
to know this.

As long
as you're on this case,

you'll never go hungry.

Arrivederci, Vittorio.
Arrivederci.

Lieutenant, the opener,

the cartridge,
what did the lab say?

Well, it was
just a cartridge.

We still haven't
figured out the poison.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Sir, if it'll make you
rest any easier,

I think those checks are
gonna be a very big help.

That dim sum reminds me of the
kind I used to have at home.

At home, Lieutenant?

Right around the corner from Chinatown
was an Italian neighborhood.

When I was a kid I bet I had more
egg rolls than I had cannelloni.

Do you recognize this, ma'am?

It's a cancelled check.

I noticed that you tore it up at Mr.
Rossi's grave.

But that's all right, ma'am.

I've got a lot more.

$ , worth.

I only passed that around
to see who would react to it.

Only two people did.

You and Mr. Duvall.

How very clever of you,
Lieutenant.

I've been in touch with the
Department of Corporations, ma'am.

I know that Mr. Rossi
was the treasurer

of the Restaurant
Developers Association.

I know that Mr. Duvall
was the vice-president.

And I am the president.

Exactly, ma'am.

Why was
the Association formed?

To help develop
certain promising restaurants

into commercial successes.

And it's been
a smashing failure.

Do you know why Mr.
Rossi made out all those checks?

I haven't got
the vaguest idea.

We never received the funds

and our commercial account
consists of $ .

Well, that's quite
a spread, ma'am

between $ and $ , .

What happened
to the rest of the money?

You don't think poor old Vittorio
was up to something nasty?

Ma'am?

I'd hate to believe
he committed su1c1de.

Oh, no, ma'am, that's the
furthest thing from my mind.

Never even thought of that.

I want to thank you very much
for this tea lunch, ma'am.

I enjoyed it immensely.

I'll have somebody come by and
pick up the Association's books.

Yes, of course.

Lieutenant, you forgot
your fortune cookie.

To tell you the truth, ma'am,
I could use some good news.

"Cheer up."

"There is more
than one fish in the sea."

That's the kind I always get.

Once I would like it to say I'm gonna
be rich and go away on a long trip.

Just once.

Goodbye, Lieutenant.

(GEISHA STRUMMING SHAMISEN)

Charming.

Join us, please.

You're a most welcome part
of this surprising evening.

I wanted you to have
one last taste of Tokyo

before you begin your tour
of American restaurants.

They won't believe this
when I send back the story.

They think I'm eating
hot dogs and grits.

Have you ever eaten grits?
OZU: No, not yet.

Don't bother.

PAUL: And now,
the pièce de résistance.

Fugu sashimi? Incredible.

This cannot really be fugu?

I did it myself, exactly
the way you taught me.

Is it authentic?

I can't believe it.

Fugu sashimi in Los Angeles.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'll get it.

I'm definitely not home.
To anyone.

Good evening, ma'am.

My name is Lieutenant
Columbo, Homicide.

I'd like to speak to Mr.
Gerard. Is he home?

I'm not sure.

Is it a big place?

Or is he just out
to the police?

Paul, Lieutenant Columbo
is here.

Good evening, Lieutenant.

Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.

The young lady didn't
tell me you were eating.

It's quite all right.

How may I help you?

Well, I expected to...
Sorry.

I expected to see you
at Mr. Rossi's funeral.

I guess
you couldn't make it.

I never go to funerals.

I prefer to remember my
friends as I saw them last.

I believe Mr. Rossi
was yelling at you

when you saw him last,
isn't that right, sir?

You mustn't
take me literally, Lieutenant.

Have you eaten?

Yes, sir.

It seems I've been eating
quite a bit lately.

It's terrific.
A pity.

You could have joined us.

Well, that's very good of you, sir.
Maybe a small bite.

I'm delighted.

A new setting, please,
for our latest arrival.

Sit down, Lieutenant.

I'm Eve Plummer,
Mr. Gerard's assistant.

Pleased to meet you, ma'am.

My distinguished colleague
from Japan, Kanzy Oz...

How do you do, sir? The two modest
maidens are professional entertainers.

Geishas.

Are you a lieutenant
with the American Army?

No, sir.
Los Angeles Police.

Homicide.
Right, Lieutenant?

That's right, ma'am.

There was a m*rder movie
on the plane. Brilliant.

I'm afraid I bore Paul
with the detail

all the way
from the airport.

That must have been the night
that Vittorio was m*rder*d.

The very same night.

Do you have a hot suspect?

Well, I've got my eyes
on one.

COLUMBO: Mr. Gerard, this is a
lovely place you have here.

Thank you.

Oh, that's quite a dish.

I've never seen a dish
like this before.

What is that called?

Raw fish.

In Japanese, it is fugu sashimi.
A delicacy.

Why don't you try it?
It's a developed taste.

I think the Lieutenant would
prefer one of the cooked dishes.

Oh, I am sure there is nothing
wrong with his taste.

Allow me.

Fugu for the Lieutenant.

Gee, that's funny.

I thought that the fugu
was gonna taste like tuna fish.

Did I say something wrong?

Not exactly.
Shall we tell him?

I don't think our guest is
interested in fish stories.

Eve's off tomorrow night
on a trip to Europe,

to visit every major
restaurant on the continent.

Lieutenant, they're having a
little joke at your expense.

The fish
you have just eaten,

what you call a blowfish
or puffer fish,

is deadly poison.

Is it?

Except when it's prepared
by a master chef.

Then it's heavenly.

In Japan, the chef must be licensed
by the Department of Health.

Every year
hundreds of people die

trying to prepare
fugu themselves.

Holy mackerel.

Excuse me?

I was just thinking about a
fortune cookie that I read today.

Mr. Gerard,
this has been educational,

but I really have to be
running along.

Ma'am, enjoy your trip.

Mr. Ozu.

Sayonara, sayonara.

Oh, one more thing.

Gee, I almost forgot
what I came here to ask you.

Fortunately you remembered.

As you're an expert
on restaurants, sir,

I wanted to ask you,

do you know anything about the
Restaurant Developers Association?

I don't know anything
about it, Lieutenant.

I've never heard of it.
Have you?

No.

No, Lieutenant, I'm sorry.

Well,
that's all right, ma'am.

As the Chinese say,

there's more
than one fish in the sea.

CRAWFORD: Vittorio and I
had a binding agreement.

He didn't lend money
and we didn't make lasagna.

This was his favorite
coffee cake.

I used to serve it
every time he came by to talk.

Oh, my, oh.

Oh, this is sensational.

We always used to think so.

Restaurant Developers'
commercial account.

Oh, thank you.

Scrumptious.
Let me help you, ma'am.

This is the best cake
I have ever eaten.

As you can see,
Mr. Crawford,

a balance of $ . .

As I told you, Lieutenant.

Then we have
the savings account.

Say what? Account, what?

The Restaurant Developers also has
a savings account at the bank.

You know that's what
Mrs. Columbo said?

She said there's probably
two accounts

and somehow
they got mixed up.

I beg your pardon,
Lieutenant,

these accounts
are not mixed up,

but a corporate savings
account is a little unusual.

This savings account,
excuse me,

is where Mr. Vittorio's
checks were deposited.

Also the checks
from Chez Duvall

and the House of Shanghai.

(WHISTLES)

Who has access
to this account?

Just one person.
A Mrs. Irene DeMilo.

I would like to speak
to Mrs. DeMilo.

Claire.

Her only address seems
to be a post office box.

She came in two days ago
and closed out the account.

She asked me to draw up
a cashier's check

for everything in the account.

Except $ .

She took out $ in cash.

In travelers' checks.

In travelers' checks.

This is the best cake
I've ever eaten.

Would you say this looks
like me, Lieutenant?

I'd say it doesn't
do you justice, Miss Plummer.

You're an angel.

I'm sorry about Mr. Gerard.

I know, ma'am. He's busy
at the Chez Duvall.

He's getting ready for tonight's
Restaurant Writers' dinner.

I'll be thinking
about you on the plane.

You are going to the dinner,
aren't you?

Oh, certainly, ma'am.

Mrs. Columbo and I,
we appreciate the invitation.

Wouldn't miss it
for the world.

You should've been there last year.
It was terrific.

Oh, Mrs. DeMilo.
Yes, Lieuten...

The bank.

The bank, Miss Plummer.

Only in this case,
it's more like a laundry.

I have a feeling I just
blew a trip to Europe.

I suppose
there'll be questions.

Let's begin

with where Mr. Gerard
buys his fish.

His fish?

His fish, ma'am.

How did the poison
get into the bottle?

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

The banquet, I know.

How did the poison
get into the...

Who's been here?

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Nobody's been here.

Now we're going
to the banquet.

Now we're gonna get
something terrific to eat.

(WHISTLING)

No Mrs. Columbo this evening?

Oh, well, sir. It's her night school.
Final exam in accounting.

She was dying to come here

but at the last minute she decided
she'd better take the exam.

Oh.

Once again, dear friends, we are dining
together on the finest cuisine,

drinking the best of wines.

And once again we,
the restaurant writers,

are about to bestow
our coveted Award of Merit.

But this is not
the happy occasion

we had so eagerly
anticipated.

One who was very special
to us all is no longer here.

For three years
in succession,

we have held our annual
dinner at Vittorio's.

This year
the awards committee

decided that it would be more
appropriate to meet somewhere else.

Lieutenant Columbo,

perhaps I should have
told you the reason before,

but it was a closely
guarded secret.

I couldn't even
tell Vittorio.

Ladies and gentlemen, I now
present our coveted award

posthumously
to the great Vittorio Rossi.

And I call on his nephew, Mario
DeLucca, to accept. Mario?

(ALL CHEERING)

MAN: Bravo, Mario!
Bravo, Mario! Bravo!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Thank you very much.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Tenente Columbo.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hi, lover. Hi.

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be
on a plane to Paris.

That was Irene DeMilo.

Eve Plummer's been grounded.

I'm Tenente Columbo
and this is my friend Mario.

He doesn't speak
much English yet.

So I want to say this.

I know the two things

that he wants more than
anything in the whole world.

One is to be a success
here in America.

You've given him
a start with that.

The other is that the m*rder*r
of his uncle be punished.

I think
I can help with that.

By this same time

tomorrow,

the person who m*rder*d
Vittorio Rossi

will be under arrest

and that's a promise.

Oh, that was
a lovely speech.

Would you like
to hear mine? I quit.

Ciao.

Mr. Gerard, sir.

Yes, Lieutenant.

Now that this case
is almost over,

this might be
our last opportunity

to cook something up together.
Yes.

Who knows when our paths
will cross again?

Vittorio's will still
be closed tomorrow.

Maybe we could get to use
all those terrific tools

and that beautiful stove.

What do you say, sir?

Would you join me
around noon?

Lieutenant,
if you hadn't brought it up,

I was about to
suggest it myself.

Lieutenant, I'm late.
I'm sorry.

I'm just chopping up
some shallots.

Two should be enough.

For what?

A recipe from my pop.

He used to cook for us kids when
my mother was in the hospital

having a baby.

That was about once a
year for a while there.

Veal scallops.

Slightly seasoned
with salt and white pepper.

Somehow it looks better on
veal than black pepper.

The dried fresh
mushrooms, sir,

they're diced and they're soaking
in a dish on the counter.

Now could this dish of yours
possibly be

escalopes de veau
aux cèpes?

Well, pop just called
it scaloppini.

Let's see if we can find
a good-sized pan.

This is fine.

I'm just gonna heat up
some sweet butter.

About a tablespoon or so.

And a dash of olive oil.

Olive oil first keeps
the butter from burning,

Well, this is the way they
did it where pop came from.

He was from the
old country, like Vittorio.

Oh, I'll prepare the dressing
for the salad.

You know, I've been thinking
about the m*rder, sir.

We were all wrong
about the poison.

It wasn't in any of the bottles
down in the wine cellar.

So the only other possibility

is that the k*ller
brought it with him.

But why?

I'm gonna start browning up the veal, sir.
Just a few at a time.

Yes, I think you're gonna be
interested in the k*ller's motive.

Undoubtedly.

He was a silent partner in the
Restaurant Developers Association.

You remember
I mentioned that to you.

Yes, you did.

Vittorio and the others were paying the
k*ller a lot of money for many years.

You see, he was someone in a position
to publicize their restaurants

and make them successful.

Or else he could print a few
bad items and demolish them.

What it was,
it was a form of extortion.

Would you like
some wine, sir?

There's an open bottle
on the table, help yourself.

Thank you.

Would you care for a glass, Lieutenant?
Yes, sir.

Coming up.

I could also use

about a half a cup
for my scaloppine.

Please, please,
go on with your explanation.

I'm fascinated.

It went on that way
for some time, sir,

with Vittorio paying off
along with the other people.

But after a while,
he didn't want to pay anymore.

He might even have
made threats on his own.

And that was the motive
for the m*rder, sir.

You're right.
That's very interesting.

But...

But it's only conjecture,
of course.

Oh, yes.

We have no way of knowing
for certain.

No, unless we got
a lot of cooperation

from the other people
in the Association.

Correct.

Oh. I forgot your wine.
I'll open another bottle.

I'm taking out the veal, sir.

Then I'm gonna add my shallots
and my mushrooms

and let 'em bubble around in
the pan for a minute or so.

You look perfectly at home
in a kitchen.

It's amazing.

When I was growing up, sir,

that's where we spent
most of our time.

We had a living room that was
mostly for visits from the teacher

and funerals.

I'm adding the wine, sir.

Your wine.

Oh, just set it down
for a moment, sir.

I want to stir this around
for a minute or two.

By the way,

the night Vittorio d*ed,

you never did intend to eat
his whole meal, did you, sir?

What makes you say that?

Well,
the appointment book, sir.

Mr. Rossi had you down
for : .

I arrived at : .

Well, then you went to the airport later on.
To pick up Mr. Ozu.

Mr. Ozu says

that he came in
on the movie flight

and according to
the airline schedule, sir,

the only movie flight
arrived at : .

And since you planned to
meet that plane, Mr. Gerard,

there is no way that
you could have enjoyed

an entire meal

and still got to the airport
in minutes.

So, you knew that you were
going to leave early, sir.

You never intended
to eat Vittorio's dinner.

Bravo.

Lieutenant,

guilty.

I was going to make
some excuse to Vittorio.

As it turned out,

I didn't have to.

You're doing very well.
Very well.

What else have you learned?

I'm adding the veal
to the pan, sir.

Oh!

The boys at the lab finally got a
fix on that poison the k*ller used.

It was Japanese

blowfish poison.

Fugu?

You can't be serious. Fugu?

It's a terrific poison.

The k*ller knew
we couldn't trace it.

And between you and me,

he had access
to that kind of fish.

There's a fish store
in Little Tokyo

that buys them off
a couple of fishermen.

But how did the m*rder*r get the
fugu poison into the bottle?

Excuse the outburst,
Lieutenant.

Lieutenant,

Vittorio was alone
when he opened the bottle.

Right, sir.

Right.
Right.

Vittorio was indeed alone.

Ah, that's the point, sir.

Now, a very odd thing
happened here the other day,

when I was recreating
the crime as they say.

Just before you arrived here
at Vittorio's kitchen,

Albert took this apart for me

because I wanted to
take the cartridge

down to the lab to have
the boys check it out.

And what did they find?

Not a thing, sir.
But, and here's what's odd,

Albert put a nice,
fresh, new, full cartridge

into the opener for me.

And nobody used
that opener until last night

when just
before the banquet,

I myself, sitting right here,
tried to open a bottle of wine

and the opener was empty, sir,
flat out.

From which you concluded?

I asked myself,

I asked myself,

how does a full cartridge
become an empty cartridge

without opening any bottles?

And the answer was,

somebody's been switching
bottle openers around here.

Switching?
Switching more than once, sir.

That's my opinion.

And then there's this.

You see this, sir?

Yes.

Well, this hollow needle could
also hold a tiny bit of poison,

probably injected with
a hypodermic syringe.

And that's what
the k*ller prepared, sir.

He took an opener identical
to the one that Vittorio used

and he put poison
in the needle.

And he took that opener
with him to the dinner

and at an opportune time,
he switched the openers.

So when Vittorio
was by himself in the kitchen,

and the boy was showing you
to the door,

Vittorio used
the switched opener

to poison his own wine.

You understand, sir?

Lieutenant,
I regret to tell you

that I understand
all too well.

It was
a terrific scheme, sir.

Your only mistake
was coming back

the next night so that you
could switch back the openers

so we couldn't find
any trace of poison

and that was right after Albert
put in the fresh cartridge.

Brilliantly deduced.

Shall we drink to your
successful solution of the case?

I couldn't have done it, sir,
without your help.

On the other hand,

there remains
a matter of proof.

Oh, I can't prove
any of this, sir.

But it did bother me

that there was a poisoned opener
around the exact twin of this one.

So when I came in here
today, I took the trouble

of putting a little nick
in the top.

Right there, sir.

But you'll notice
there is no nick.

See?

Yes.

It must be
a different opener.

No question about it.

Ah! I wouldn't, sir.

Don't drink.

You switched
the openers again

but I switched the glasses.

That's the poisoned
glass, sir.

The glass I was
supposed to drink.

I'll just keep this for
the boys down in the lab.

That's what they call proof.

You must try this, sir.

I'm really interested
in your opinion.

You're a very
able man, Lieutenant.

I respect that.

But I really don't
care for you very much.

You know, sir, I was thinking
the same thing about you.

I respect your talent.

But I don't like anything else
about you.

The dressing is perfect.

Thank you.

When did you
first suspect me?

Well, as it happens, sir,

about two minutes
after I met you.

That can't be possible.

Oh, you made it
perfectly clear, sir,

the very first night,

when you decided to
come to the restaurant

directly after
you were informed

that Vittorio was poisoned.

I was instructed to
come here by the police.

And you came, sir.
Yes.

After eating dinner with a
man that had been poisoned.

You didn't go to a doctor.

You came because
the police instructed you.

You didn't go to a hospital,

you didn't even ask to
have your stomach pumped.

Mr. Gerard,

that's the damnedest example

of good citizenship
I've ever seen.

I see.

I see.

What do you think?

Lieutenant,

I wish you had been a chef.

I understand, sir.