07x03 - Make Me a Perfect m*rder

[bunniefuu]

COLUMBO: (SINGING) I looked
over Jordan and what did I see

Coming for to carry me home

A band of angels
coming after me

Coming for to carry me home

Yankee Doodle went to town
A- riding on a pony

Put a feather in his cap
and called it macaroni

In a cavern, In a canyon

(POLICE DISPATCHER ON RADIO)

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his daughter Clementine

COP ON RADIO: -
, I've got a siren.

COP ON RADIO: -
, meet me on Tech .

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Roger, go ahead - .

I'm at Riverside and Laurel.
My ETA is one minute.

Proceed to Magnolia and Hollywood Way.
Stay on Tech .

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(HORN BLARING)

- I've got a reckless driver in front
of me approaching the intersection.

Roger - . I am eastbound
on Magnolia from Riverside.

He's driving a white or a gray early model...
Look out!

(HORN HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CRASHING)

I think I hurt my neck.

(MOOD Y JAZZ PLAYING)

KAY: Where are
the g*n effects?

PRODUCER:
Bring 'em up, fellas.

MAN: Looking for it.

KAY: The music's too big.

Okay, now,
when he gets into the alley,

what I want to hear is just
the pulse track on the music.

Let's take it from the top.
Okay, John?

Everything's okay with me.
I'm just the producer.

MAN: Going back, Allen.

Kay, you're a very busy lady.

Why don't you get out of the grease
pit and let me dub the film?

Because you boys at the studio
get to have all the fun.

While we, over at the network,

all we get to do
is pay for these pictures

and try to let you know what
we want and how we want it.

How's that for a massage?

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(PHONE RINGING)

So how's
the picture look?

Getting there.
Like pulling teeth. Hmm.

Lunch?
Mmm-hmm. Shrimp Salad.

Peace.

Peace.
He in?

Yeah, meeting.

MAN : But New York
is getting a little anxious.

MAN : Do you really
have to tell me that?

Gentlemen.
Kay.

Hello.

MARK: Let me worry
about New York.

Clay Gardner, what's he
really gonna cost us?

Henry, did you check
his agent out?

You want a price on Clay Gardner?
His agent just smiles and smiles.

Did you see the final dub?

Don't we wish.
At that studio, another three days.

Let me put it this way. Can I show The
Professional to the New York bunch,

and will I want to?

Yes, you can show it
and yes, you will want to.

You heard that Kay Freestone
guarantees a share.

Okay, friends,
thank you much.

KAY: Jonathan, fill me in.

I ran the network demographics
on the six Clay Gardner movies.

Believe it or not,
his strongest appeal...

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(BUZZING)

Yes, Madge.

Mr. Flanagan
in New York, on three.

Hello, Mark.

MARK: Hello, Frank, how are you?
How's that great New York weather?

Well, how do you think?
It's still snowing.

I hate to tell you this but
I went sailing yesterday.

Mark, how tough would it be to
give up sailing in the winter?

What did you have
in mind, Frank?

New York.

For how long?

Long as you want. Forever.

FRANK: It'll be out
Tuesday, definite.

(SINGING) Hated California
It's cold and it's damp

(HUMMING)

(BIRDS CAWING)

Hey! Breakfast!

Happy Sunday.

Well, Saturday wasn't
too shabby.

You can read me
the funnies.

Frank Flanagan called.
I got New York.

The whole damn network.

Baby, we did it,
we did it, we did it.

When do we leave?

I want you to stay here, Kay.

Your job!

You are giving me the job?

What's going on here?

I can't give you
the West Coast, babe.

Well, now.

I thought
I'd earned something.

At what you do, Kay,
you're the best there is.

You're the very best.

But you don't make decisions.

You make guesses.
There's a difference.

Guesses just aren't
good enough.

But you'll learn.

Right.

Right.

I'm learning already.

Don't make it
any tougher than it is.

(LAUGHING)

Poor baby.

Here I am worrying
about myself.

Poor, precious Mark suffering
through the awful truth.

Farewell, my dearest,
the time has come.

Great secret lovers.

Super corporate team.

But onward and upward.

Whoop-dee-doo.

Kay in the end all we really owe each
other is a little bit of affection.

Nobody was keeping tabs,
were they?

So much for overtime, so much for
double time, so much for playtime.

MARK: Kay.

You wanna sue me?

sh**t me?
That make you feel better?

Right through the heart.
Make me a perfect m*rder, babe.

Kay.

You were supposed to find
these out there.

A SL.

The silver one.

It's the one
you always wanted.

It's still at the dealer showroom.
But it's registered in your name.

You can drive it home.

The license plate says,
"Kay # ."

Well, that's a comment
from the management.

Goodbye, Kay?

Sit up, Lieutenant.

I want you to relax.

Tilt your head back.

What... What are you gonna do?

Just give your neck
a little adjustment.

What do you mean
by adjustment?

Don't worry, Lieutenant,
it won't hurt at all.

I'll tell you, Sam, I don't
think it hurts anymore.

It won't hurt at all.

Sam, it already
doesn't hurt at all.

Relax. Relax.

(CRACKING)

KAY ON RECORDER: You have
one minute and seconds.

(CLOCK TICKING)

You have one minute
and seconds.

You have one minute.

You have seconds.

You have seconds.

You have seconds to go.

You have seconds.

You have seconds left.

Nine seconds. Eight.

Seven. Six.

Five. Four.

Three. Two.

One. Out.

Oh, hello, Kay.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Sorry, Jonathan.

I'm going to need all those Clay Gardner
demographs first thing in the morning.

Kay, that's gonna
take all night.

Well, unless you'd like to explain
your troubles to Mr. Flanagan,

you'd better plan
on spending the night.

Condolences, Junior.
Comes with the territory.

FRANK: Well, who says Clay
Gardner's ready to do TV?

PETE: Just once I'd like
to sit down to a hot meal.

MARK: At $ million
a season,

let's just say
he might be tempted.

His agent take the hook yet?
No, I'm still setting it.

Planes don't count. That's toy food.
It's really up to Frank.

What do you think, Pete?

Before, I got to be a VP...
Now I put it between bread.

We'll still
come out of it.

Do you really want to lay out
that kind of cash, Frank?

If we start paying $ million, every
actor we have will wanna renegotiate.

Clay Gardner isn't
every actor.

Thank God.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Mr. Flanagan, gentlemen.

Kay.
Hi, Kay.

Soon as you've had your ice cream and
cookies, we'll go to the movies.

All right, guys, let's go.
This way, gentlemen.

That's right. What have you got?
I hope I'm gonna see you guys in my office later.

ALL: We'll see you later.

Mark.

Let's roll the dice on Clay
Gardner before I change my mind.

You got it.

FRANK: Pete, listen,
we're gonna go with Gardner.

So, first thing tomorrow set up a negotiating session.
I'll call Herbie Stone.

You all right?
I'm fine.

No, I mean really.

I mean, I'm really fine, Mark.

Good.

He can handle it.

Well, this picture is very much a
Kay Freestone effort, I understand.

Oh, yes. You'll find little flecks
of my blood on each and every frame.

Gentlemen, I'll be in the booth.
Enjoy yourselves.

ALL: Thank you.

Frank, do you really think

that William Morris will cave-in
that much on the price?

A million at least. You got to be kidding it's seven.
Nobody believes seven.

Evening, Walter.

Hi, Kay.

VIP time, huh?
Oh, it's m*rder.

You got all nine reels here?

Ninety minutes,
nine reels.

Okay.

You watching
back here again, huh?

Walter,

I wrestled this bloody film through
that nutty studio for six months.

If you so much as make
one mistake in a changeover,

I'll k*ll you.

Yowsah, Miss Freestone.

Your film is gonna go
through this gate

at the incredible rate
of feet per minute.

You just watch
this little old counter here.

And no sooner will this first
reel finish up when I will see

two little flashes of light
out there

in the upper right hand corner
of your lovely picture.

And then I will,
with lightning speed,

switch over to this
projector right here.

And not only will your big-sh*ts not
know that I have switched a reel,

they'll not suspect
one little old thing.

Bravo.

Kay, roll when
you're ready.

All right. Okay.

What's this called?

The Professional.
Mmm.

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

Good luck.

Thanks, I'll need it.

(MOOD Y JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALING)

Frank, has Standards and
Practices seen this yet?

(SHUSHING)

WALTER: Changeover.

Flash.

Go.

Couldn't have done it
better myself.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Marius?

Not exactly the family hour,
is it?

Walter, where are
those other reels?

What other reels?

Screen tests that I ordered for Broad Land.
Flanagan might want to see them.

Oh, somebody goofed. They must
still be down in Shipping.

Well, you better go get them.
Four reels.

Well, there's a changeover
coming in about two minutes.

I'll take care of the changeover.
You just get those reels for me, please.

KAY ON RECORDER:
You have four minutes.

You have three minutes
and seconds.

You have three minutes
and seconds.

You have three minutes
and seconds.

You have three minutes
and seconds.

You have three minutes
and seconds.

(SIGHING)

You have three minutes.

You have two minutes
and seconds.

(PHONE RINGING)

Finished already?

Yes.

Finished.

Honey, wait a minute,
wait a...

You have two minutes
and seconds.

Mark?

You have two minutes.

You have one minute
and seconds.

You have one minute
and seconds.

You have one minute
and seconds.

You have one minute.

You have seconds.

You have seconds.

You have seconds.

You have seconds.

Twenty seconds.

You have seconds left.

You have seconds.

Nine.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three. Two. One.

Make the changeover okay?

Like a champ.

All right.

Well, how's it going?

Well, no one's left yet.

(g*n f*ring)

How long are they gonna keep
putting that stuff on television?

(ON SPEAKER) Kay, would you
come in here a minute?

What?

I'll be right in.

KAY ON SPEAKER: Walter,
no more picture tonight.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Kay, I'm so terribly shocked.
I'm so sorry.

Yeah, we're all very sorry.

I'm sure he'd be
the first one to say

there's no disrespect
in our just doing our jobs.

What is there for today?

They asked for you
in Mark's office.

Soon as you came in.

Kay, steady, love.

Good morning, ma'am.

Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide.

And you're Miss Freestone?

Yes, Lieutenant.

No disrespect intended, ma'am,

but that's where Mr.
McAndrews was lying, just like that.

When he was sh*t, that is.

Is there any way I can
be of help, Lieutenant?

I don't believe so, ma'am.
Nice of you to offer.

We think it's a whiplash.
The doctors are making tests.

I'm so sorry.

No, I... I meant, is there any way I
can help you with your investigation?

Oh, the investigation.
Yes, ma'am, I think there is.

Now, I understand that you worked
very closely with the victim.

Yes, I was
his executive assistant.

Yes, ma'am.

And would you agree
that these were his glasses?

They look like them, yes.

Then would you mind coming
through that door, ma'am?

Excuse me?

If you would just go out and
come through that door, please.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Come on in, ma'am.

COLUMBO: Come on in.

Stop right there, ma'am.

Now, if you'll just hold out
your arm.

Where?

Just point it at me, ma'am.

Like you were
holding a p*stol.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

My father wore glasses
just like these.

And when I was a youngster,
I used to like to put them on.

Made me feel like a grown-up.

There's something I wanted to ask you about Mr.
McAndrews, ma'am.

An item that I found here on his
desk a little piece of paper.

Well, it will turn up.

My mother used to grab
the glasses off me.

"They're bad for your eyes,"
she used to say.

You know, in those days,
everything was bad for your eyes.

Not wearing mittens was
bad for your eyes.

Wearing rubbers in the house, that'd
strike you blind on the spot.

I don't know what I did
with that damn paper.

Well, it will turn up.

That must be
very uncomfortable.

Ma'am?

Oh, this? Well, it's better
than a gallstone.

Did you ever have
a gallstone, ma'am?

Whew!

No, I don't think so.

If there's nothing else,
Lieutenant...

I've got men searching,
Lieutenant. Is that enough?

As many as you can get,
Sergeant.

We haven't found
the w*apon, ma'am.

We think it still might be
on the premises.

I know there was a paper
on this desk.

Oh, Sergeant Burke,
this is Miss Freestone.

She was Mr. McAndrews'
executive assistant.

Found you.

I think you're wanted in your office.
Something about Mr. Flanagan.

Oh, thank you.

Lieutenant, I think there's
something you should see.

Would you mind
coming with me?

Certainly, ma'am.

Keep searching, Sergeant.

BURKE: Yes, sir.

We lost a hell of a lot more
than manpower.

No, they don't know
anything yet.

(KNOCKING)

Yes, I'll be staying around until we
can get the pieces back together.

Kay, I hope
I didn't take you away.

You all right?

Your men have everything
they need, Lieutenant?

Well, it's
very confusing, sir.

I mean, there were only so many
people in the building last night.

You and your people, Miss
Freestone and the projectionist

and the young man
working next door.

Every single one of them is
accounted for.

With your terrific security
and all,

no one else could get in
or out of the building.

So the question is,
who k*lled Mr. McAndrews?

That's why I want you to look
at these, Lieutenant.

You personally won this
award yourself, ma'am?

Indeed she did, Lieutenant.

"For Best
Documentary Production."

Well, you certainly are
a very clever woman, ma'am.

That's why she's with us.

Very clever indeed.

Let's just say
I work like an ox.

Please sit right here,
Lieutenant.

Thank you, ma'am.

FRANK: Kay.

Under the circumstances, I'm
gonna ask something of you.

We'd like you to help us by
taking over all of Mark's duties,

at least for
the time being.

Of course. Anything I can
do to help, Mr. Flanagan.

Good. I knew
I could count on you.

You can start by locking up Clay
Gardner in The Broad Land.

Oh, Mr. Flanagan,
I wanted to talk to you

about The Professional,
the film last night?

I think we should talk
about that some other time.

Good luck, Lieutenant.

Oh, thank you, sir. I'm sure
it'll be off in a few days.

I call it weird, ma'am.

All these crazy crank letters.

Have you ever told the
police about these threats?

Yes, I certainly have.

You'll notice that the network gets
blamed for everything that's going,

be it communism,
fascism, atheism,

abortion, sex, v*olence.
You name it.

Up, down or in the middle.
It's all the same thing.

"Support decency
or we'll k*ll you."

Signed in blood.

So, naturally,
when this happened,

it occurred to me...

That one of these nuts slipped in
here and k*lled Mr. McAndrews?

Well, other attempts have been
made, twice on Mr. Flanagan.

I don't think so, ma'am.

Not in this case.

Granted, there's a lot of nuts running
around, some of them dangerous.

Not in this case.

You seem very sure,
Lieutenant.

That's because Mr. McAndrews
recognized his m*rder*r.

He knew the person
who sh*t him.

I find that very hard
to believe.

I don't wanna distress you, ma'am,
but there's no doubt about it.

I know I had
that paper somewhere.

Why is there
no doubt about it?

We know the angle
of the b*llet, ma'am.

We know that the m*rder*r
didn't sh**t from the door.

He entered the office.

I'd say he was feet in by the
time he pulled the trigger.

Well, why couldn't a stranger
be feet into a room?

Well, let me put it to
you this way, ma'am.

If you were alone in a room
at night, lying on a couch,

and a stranger entered,

wouldn't you take
a good look at him?

Wouldn't you wanna see
what he looked like?

Yes.

That's the point, ma'am.

Mr. McAndrews didn't bother
to take a really good look.

It's these glasses, ma'am.

He had them up here on his
forehead when he was sh*t.

When the m*rder*r came
into the room.

So Mr. McAndrews must've known
exactly who that person was,

or he would've pushed
them down, like this.

Because with these type corrections,
ma'am, these bifocals,

this is the only way that Mr.
McAndrews could see his k*ller.

If the k*ller was
a stranger, that is.

Which he couldn't have been.

But I'll keep
your theory in mind.

Interesting, isn't it, how you
can work these small things out

if you just think about it?

Like you got a tiny voice
whispering right in your ear,

trying to tell you who did it.

You're a very attentive
listener, Lieutenant.

Oh, yes, ma'am.
Why that's all we got to go on.

Listen and look,
look and listen.

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

WALTER: You see, you watch
your counter for the blip

and then you stand by
for the blip.

You mean to tell me
that all these years,

every time I took Mrs.
Columbo to the theater,

those flashes were
on the screen?

They have been on the screen even before Mrs.
Columbo, Lieutenant.

The upper right hand corner.

In a regular theater?
A regular theater.

If I go to the movies tonight,

: , down the block,
a dollar and a half,

and I walk in and sit down
and watch the movie,

you mean to tell me

that I will see those
flashes on the screen?

Right.

That goes to show you, you
learn something new every day.

Now, the flashes tell
the projectionist

when he's supposed
to change his reel.

All right,
all right, watch.

Flash.

Now, you tell me when
you see the second one.

Flash.

Mr. Mearhead,

I would say you did
that like an artist.

Listen, you wanna
see art, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant,

this is art.

Isn't that remarkable?

You did that yourself?

That I did, sir.

When I was a kid, I used
to build model airplanes.

I'd start them but I
could never finish them.

I'd always wreck them.

Miss Freestone,

she made the changeover
last night

when you went out for
The Broad Land screen tests?

Yeah, about two minutes after I left.
I checked that counter.

You checked the counter,

Miss Freestone,
she changed the projector.

Did Miss Freestone make
the splice, too?

What splice?

You mean
the film didn't break?

Isn't this one of
those editor's gloves?

Right. I mean, she
could've fixed the film

if anything happened, but
nothing happened to the film.

You see,

I use these gloves
because of the glue.

Well, thank you
very much, sir.

Do you think it would be
asking too much

if I took one of these
things for my nephew?

Sure, help yourself.

The kid's -years-old

and he sold all his stereo stuff
to make eight-millimeter movies.

When I was a kid in my
neighborhood, we had heroes.

DiMaggio, Rizzuto...

You know who he's
got on the wall?

Francis Ford Coppola.

(EXCLAIMING)

Sorry, ma'am.

Excuse me, Lieutenant.

Oh, Walter, you can send those test
reels back to Shipping anytime.

Oh, those tests, ma'am, the tests,
they've already gone back to Shipping.

I spoke to
the gentleman in charge.

Oh.

Fine, then.

COLUMBO: Ma'am. Ma'am.

About those tests that
you sent out for last night.

Those were tests for a new series
called The Broad Land?

Yes, Lieutenant,
they were talent tests.

Yes, well there's something
that I don't understand, ma'am,

and maybe I should...
I probably should...

Lord knows I'm not the
brightest guy on the force.

Another detective, he could
cut right through all this.

I understand, Lieutenant.
Just ask your questions.

That's the problem, ma'am.

When I ask the questions, I know
I'm putting you on the spot.

It's perfectly all right,
Lieutenant.

It's your job.
I appreciate that.

Thank you very much, ma'am.
If only more people felt that way.

The question is...

Mr. Flanagan says that he

already approved Clay Gardner
to star in that new series.

So I had to ask myself,
if he already approved him,

why would you wanna
show him more tests?

You see my problem, ma'am?

Yes, I do, and I wondered
exactly the same thing myself.

Did you?
Mmm-hmm.

This time I think you're listening to the
wrong little voice in your ear, Lieutenant.

I was just
following instructions.

Mr. Flanagan's instructions?

Mr. McAndrews' instructions.

Written instructions, ma'am?

Verbal instructions,
Lieutenant.

I see.

Well, we certainly can't ask
Mr. McAndrews, can we?

(ELEVATOR DINGING)

I'm afraid I do have
to go, Lieutenant.

COLUMBO: Oh, ma'am.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I know you're pressed.

I don't wanna hold you up.

Can we walk and talk?

Let's.

I know that Mr. McAndrews
was an important executive,

and I know that CNC is
a big television network.

But I have no idea
what he did all day

and night, from what
I can see around here.

Well, I can hardly speak
for his nights, Lieutenant.

I didn't mean
to imply, ma'am.

His days were mostly like mine.
We run a fire department around here.

Do you want to look
at some of the flames?

Flames, ma'am?
Yes,

mostly we put out fires.

LUTHER: Nancy,
monitor two.

NANC Y: One, please.

LUTHER: Thank you,
sweetheart.

Yeah, now, that's the angle
I want for the third position.

MAN: Looking nice kids.
Looking very good.

Start from the top
and I'll watch it up here.

Oh, Kay, we've
already lost two hours.

Where is she?
Luther will tell you.

Oh, Lieutenant, I'll be busy for a minute.
Just help yourself.

Don't worry about me, ma'am.

(SHUSHING)

Luther?

LUTHER: Coming down.

You can take a break now, Nancy.
Thanks.

NANCY: All right, everybody,
five minutes, please.

Where are we?

Replace her, Kay.

Valerie?

She's never gonna make it.
Not a live show. Not in this world.

Oh, come on,
we're on tomorrow night.

She's terrified,
she's hysterical.

She's losing her mind.
I mean, she doesn't even understand

that this is not an MGM
sound stage years ago.

She hates the blocking, she
hates the camera, she hates me.

You, I don't know about.

Look, a few times a day she'll have a
nice rush of confidence for minutes

and then she'll remember it's a live
show, bite one of the dancers on the leg

and run to her dressing
room and hide.

Aside from all that,
her work is lousy.

Where is she?

Dressing room.

Luther, is she on anything?

Oh, please.

COLUMBO: You mean it's gonna be live
TV, just the way it used to be?

TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: A little bit
better, Lieutenant, we hope.

This is where the director
will sit. Here, sit down.

This is a technical
director's console.

Does that bother you?

(STAMMERING)
That's just whiplash.

I mean,
I think it's a whiplash.

My doctor thinks
it's a whiplash.

The chiropractor, he thinks
I just got a bad massage.

And my wife's osteopath,

he thinks it might be
a back problem.

It doesn't look
like a back problem.

That's what
the orthopedic man said.

Listen, all these screens
for just one show?

That's a line monitor.
That's what's going on the air.

Preview monitor is what
the director wants up next

and those are what
the four cameras see.

I do the switching.

Hey, all these beautiful
machines in here,

all these buttons to push.

I know it costs millions

and I know that everybody works very hard.
But I gotta tell you the truth.

To me, it looks like fun.

It is, but I wouldn't
swear to it in court.

And Miss Freestone,

she understands
all about this, too?

I'll tell you about that.
If there's one thing worse

than a television lady who
thinks she knows everything,

it's a television lady
who knows everything.

I'll see you later,
Lieutenant.

(WHISTLING THIS OLD MAN)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SWEEPING
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SLOW
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Valerie.

KAY: Val, it's Kay.

Whose side are you on?

Whose do you think?

Prove it.

You can keep
the key to my apartment.

Oh, Kay. Give me a hug.

Oh, I thought you'd
never get here.

Did Luther get over
his snit yet?

How about yours?

Big deal.

I tried to tell that genius where to
put my key light and the roof fell in.

Big man from New York.

Luther's very good.
He's the best in the business for live shows.

He'll make you look
like a million.

A million years old.

Is that how you feel?

Want your key back?

Val, are you clean?

Oh, my God.

I look like a junky, huh?

I've had no booze,
no pills,

no sniff and no smoke.

Except these damn things,
that's all.

(SOBBING)

Can you look at me, babe?

How scared are you?

I'm terrified.

I can't do it, Kay.
I just don't know how to do it anymore.

I don't know what you
have to do.

Sing, dance, be funny
in front of million people.

I'd do it myself
if I had the time.

Come on.

LUTHER: And then we'll go
to four after the crane sh*t.

Luther.
Mmm?

Take a look at this.

What's that?

LUTHER: Oh, boy.

Eddie, give me a tight two-sh*t
on Kay and Valerie, would you?

Valerie Kirk.

Valerie Kirk?
Wait till I tell my wife.

Hey, boss, you
want a willing worker?

Well, what are
we waiting for?

And the lighting
is terrific.

I don't believe it.

What are you waiting for?
Let's go to work.

Anything else, maestro?

Yeah. How about
walking on water?

Oh, yeah.

LUTHER: Valerie, I'm coming
right down. Wait for me.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

(CRASHING)

Ma'am?

Lieutenant, you frightened me.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

Your secretary said
you were coming here.

I'll just take that.

Are you supposed
to take that off?

Well, I thought
I'd cheat for a while.

An hour won't hurt.
What do you think?

I think you're very
attractive without it,

but that's not
a medical opinion.

Well, I'll tell you, ma'am, it's
the nicest opinion I've heard yet.

She said, your secretary,

that you used to live here.

Yes.

My mother raised three of us
in this place.

I guess nothing sends you
scurrying back to your roots

like somebody else's
death, does it?

Oh, I thought, ma'am, now that
you have this new, important job

you might have paid a visit just
to see how far you've come.

Excuse me. I'll just
get another chair.

May I, ma'am?

Let's dine by candlelight,
Lieutenant.

That'd be very nice,
ma'am.

You know, I always knew
this place was small

but I never realized
it was quite this tiny.

Four of us cramped in here.
Never a chance to be alone.

I took a trip
a few years ago.

Took Mrs. Columbo back
to the house where I grew up.

It looked all shrunken.

I had five brothers and one
sister, Miss Freestone,

and that was
really terrific.

There was always someone
around for company.

We were never lonely.

You're a very special man,
Lieutenant.

You accept things
as they are.

I try to change them.

That's to your credit, ma'am.

Your success
and ambition and all.

Now, I'm supposed to ask you
questions about all that.

You're supposed to?

Well, nobody told me to, but that's
the way I'm supposed to do my job.

They're certainly
not personal.

Whenever anyone says
it's not personal,

that's exactly
when it's very personal.

It's not by choice, ma'am.

Sometimes I get all tense
when I have to do it.

Well, then that's
your problem, Lieutenant.

We have to do something to
relieve some of that tension.

Oh. Be careful, ma'am.

I won't touch your neck.
Just relax.

(GROANING)

That's a real relief.

What I wanted
to ask you, ma'am,

would you have gotten
this new job,

in charge of
West Coast production,

if Mr. McAndrews
hadn't been m*rder*d?

Go on, ma'am.
You're not hurting me.

No. I don't think Mark would
have given me the job.

May I ask, ma'am,
why you say that?

He never mentioned it.

Now the fact is,

he never mentioned it
to any of his executive staff.

But you were
his main assistant.

Perhaps Mr. Flanagan
had objections.

Well, I don't mean
to pin you down, ma'am,

but it was Mr. Flanagan
who gave you your promotion.

Yes.

But it's not a permanent promotion,
Lieutenant. Remember that.

Well, Mr. Flanagan told me

that it would have been okay with him if
the m*rder*d man had given you the job.

Then it was Mark's decision.

I hear those little voices going
around in your ear, Lieutenant,

asking could I possibly
have miraculously

m*rder*d Mark for his job?

Oh, no, ma'am.
I don't think that at all.

You were up
in the projection booth.

And I don't think people
k*ll people for just a job.

Even an important job
like yours.

A little lower down, ma'am,
if you don't mind.

Either there was
no motive at all,

like in these crazy kind of murders
that you read about in the newspaper,

or there was
a very good motive.

One that makes terrific sense.

And that's what keeps
going around in my mind.

The motive.

No, I couldn't think those thoughts
about you, Miss Freestone.

Not as long as all you had
with Mr. McAndrews

was a business relationship.

Well, I'm sure you've checked that
out with the executive staff,

haven't you, Lieutenant?

Not by choice, ma'am.

I wish I could help you,
Lieutenant.

You have, Miss Freestone.

I'm gonna try sleeping tonight
without this thing.

Well then,
if you'll forgive me.

I've had enough
of my olden times.

Yes, ma'am.

How do you like that?

I almost forgot again.

That item that I found
on the victim's desk.

The one that I lost.
Well, I found it again.

It was a slip of paper.

Like a note that he was
making to himself.

Some numbers
and the capital letter "K."

Take a look at this, ma'am.
Maybe you can help me.

COLUMBO: You see
the capital letter "K"

and the numbers ,

with
a circle around it,

and .

Now, the "K"
with those numbers.

Does that mean anything
to you, ma'am?

Not a thing.

No.

You see, the numbers part,

I think that they form
some kind of a pattern.

I think they got
something in common

and it's right on the tip of my tongue
but I can't put my finger on it.

You can't help me?

Sorry.

Well, thanks a lot anyway.

What's your
first name, ma'am?

Katherine.

But they call you Kay.

Yes.

And there's this capital
letter "K" on the note.

Yes.

Does that
ring a bell, ma'am?

No.

Nothing at all?

No, no help at all.

In this case, the "K"
must simply be a "K."

Can't blame me
for trying, ma'am.

COLUMBO:
You see, Mrs. Columbo,

she never believed the
doctor right from the start.

She claimed
I was sleeping in a draft.

Well, last night she insisted
upon closing the windows.

Well, I woke up this morning,
I tell you, Sergeant,

my neck felt terrific.

That's very good,
Lieutenant.

I was getting so desperate

that I was gonna go to this clinic where my
brother-in-law goes for his back problem.

What they did,

they said they had to
deaden the nerves in his nose.

His nose, Lieutenant?

His nose.

They stuck a needle
in his nose.

Sticking right out
of his nose, like this.

That's how he had to walk around,
with a needle in his nose.

What do you think of that,
Sergeant?

That's very interesting,
Lieutenant.

I think so, too.

Don't let me hold you up,
Sergeant. You go ahead.

Yes, sir.

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

Mr. Mearhead?

Oh, hi, Lieutenant.
Come on in.

I just wanted to say that I dropped
the glove off for my nephew.

He figures it'll improve
his editing %.

Well, you tell him he ought
to become a surgeon.

That way he won't have
to see so much blood.

You got any opinions about
v*olence on television?

Well, I work nights a lot.

I wanna tell you something.
The other night, I come back from Film Shipping

and the first thing I see is
some guy blowing his brains out.

I mean,
you think that's right?

I got a change coming up.

You know, it's crazy,
Mr. Mearhead,

but since I've been hanging around here
I think I've become a button freak.

Buttons and switches.
Mmm-hmm.

You don't suppose I could try to make
one of these changeovers myself?

I don't see why not.
All it is, is a writer watching an old movie.

All right, when you see
your first flash, buttons up.

Button up.
Round before your dowser.

Dowser up.

On your second flash,
Lieutenant,

button here,
button there, press.

Button, button.
Dowser down.

Down on dowser.
Left light off.

So, on the first flash,
buttons up?

Buttons up.

And the dowser up.

WALTER: Flash coming up.

COLUMBO: First flash.

Flash up.

Second flash coming up.

Second flash. Now the buttons
go on the flash or before?

Did I miss?

It goes on the flash, Lieutenant.
On the flash.

There it is.
On the flash.

Okay.

What happened?

WRITER ON SPEAKER: Walter, we lost
our film in here. What's going on?

Walter, can you hear me? What the
hell are you playing at in there?

Walter.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Lieutenant.

Lieutenant! Lieutenant!

Can I talk to you?

Certainly, Sergeant.

Can we go in here?

I'd rather not.

(WHISPERING)

(BIRDS CAWING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

McAndrews?
Uh-huh.

Got anything to go?

No, nothing to go.

All right. Hold on.

I heard your promises last
night and the night before.

Now, out of the carousel
location by midnight tonight.

Kay, Luther's on one.
You have to talk to him.

What it is
is a -minute melodrama.

Now, you get that on tape
tonight, by midnight,

or I am personally coming
out there to pull the plug.

It's about Valerie.

Yes, Luther.

Valerie is gone.

What do you mean, she's gone?

I mean she's gone. Gone is gone.
Up the chimney.

Nobody's seen her since we finished the
dress rehearsal on the USO number.

And we go on the air in
three hours and minutes.

(GRUNTING)

Well, did she leave the building?
Has anyone checked with the guards?

Kay, she left the building.
She's at your place. Line four.

I'll get right back
to you, Luther.

Valerie?

She's gone.

I'll get her back.

I'll get her back.

Valerie.

Val!

Valerie!

Did you call, madam?

You call me, "Madam," but never
call me, "Late for dinner."

(VALERIE LAUGHING)

Come on.

Don't you touch me.
I don't want to!

I have to do the show.
I'm gonna do the show.

Luther's scared.
Luther's so scared.

Valerie's gonna do it live!

(VALERIE GROANING)

Kay, please.

Sure.

Please.

I hurt myself.

Me, too, kiddo. Me, too.

I told you I couldn't do it!

Nobody listens.

They'll listen when I sing.

They'll listen when I sing.

They'll listen when I sing.

(VALERIE MOANING)

Please, give me a hug.

No more hugs.
We're fresh out of hugs.

I tried.

I'm just not good anymore.

Anymore.

Mr. Ames, please.

Henry, Valerie Kirk's at my apartment.
She won't be able to make the show tonight.

It doesn't matter right now.

Look, just get control
of yourself.

We'll put in something else.
We'll put in a picture.

What else have we got?

Run The Professional.
It's the right length.

I got it made, didn't I?

Just tell the press that she fell
down some stairs and hurt her leg.

What did you do?

What all good girls do.
The best I can.

Come on.
Give us a hug.

I really did it to you,
didn't I, Kay?

I mean, I really did it.

It doesn't matter.
It's only a show.

I've got a million
of them, kiddo.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Closed.

You promised.

What?

You promised.

Closed.

What?

Promised what?

My television set.

Lieutenant Columbo.

You brought it in
this morning.

(BELL DINGING)

Yeah, I wanted it for tonight
but I had to work late.

I'm working late myself
on your television set.

Well, you see, sir,

working nights, I don't get
to see much television.

Mrs. Columbo,
she does a lot of reading

and she takes a lot
of night school courses.

So the real TV fan
in the house, that's my dog.

(MOOD Y JAZZ PLAYING ON T. V.)

Boy, you got it going.
That's terrific.

He likes television.
He can't get enough of it.

You see that.
You like that?

He like it?

Yes, sir,
I think he likes it.

How do you know he likes it?

He never saw nothing yet
he didn't like.

Well, if he didn't like it, how
would you know he didn't like it?

Well, he would look
very bored, sir.

All droopy and listless.

I'll tell you the reason that
we wanted to see TV tonight is,

we wanted to see the second half
of The Valerie Kirk Show.

Not on.

Not on?

I said it's not on.
This is the channel.

They got something else
on instead.

Something called
The Professional.

Oh, The Professional.

Would you believe I know the
lady that made that show?

Not a bad picture. Spy stuff.

Spies. Your favorite.

You gonna start that again?

Come on, we gotta...
Up where the view is here.

All right, move over.
That's it.

There, are you comfortable?

Come on, up here
where you can see.

Is that all right?

(g*n f*ring ON T. V.)

Sorry, Lieutenant.
Still not right.

Not bad, sir.

Not bad at all.

You just keep working.

I could fix you up with a
terrific new one. Under $ .

Your dog would love it.

No.

I gotta buy a new
bumper for my car,

maybe a new pair of shoes.

I think I'll pass.

Okay with you?

It's okay with him.

If it's okay with him, it's okay with me.
Good night, Lieutenant.

Good night, sir.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

(BELL DINGING)

JONATHAN: New York.

Average rating . ,
average share . .

Los Angeles, a little worse.
You want the numbers?

No, and I don't want
a hatpin in the ear, either.

We should probably get
the nationals by tomorrow.

All right, it comes
with the territory, Junior.

KAY: Wendy,
you still on Flanagan?

He's been out all day.
I'll keep trying.

What time did the carousel
location wrap up last night?

They didn't.

Get me that genius Benjamin.

(COLUMBO STRIKING A MATCH)

Lieutenant.

You're working rather late
tonight, aren't you?

Yes, ma'am.

Working late like
a television executive.

That's a very impressive
desk, ma'am.

You could run the world
from a desk like that.

The world doesn't count.
Just the West Coast.

Through for the day, ma'am?

No. Not quite.

Mr. McAndrews,

he wasn't married?

He wasn't married.

Was he ever married, ma'am?

I don't know.

Engaged?

Engaged?

Engaged, ma'am.

I don't know.

What about women?

Did he run around a lot?

MADGE: Kay.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'll be moving
in here tomorrow.

Would you please call the beach
location and let them know

that I'm coming out there tonight?
And then that would be all.

Okay. Good night.

I was asking, ma'am, if he ran
around with a lot of women.

I don't know.

He must've had companions.

Would you say

that women found
Mr. McAndrews attractive?

I'm sure
his secretaries did.

You, personally, did you
find him attractive?

Yes,

Mark was
a very attractive man,

in his way.

You're an attractive man,
in your way, too.

I guess
I told you that.

Yes, ma'am.

Please sit down.

Now, I ask people questions
and they answer.

Now, I ask them the same
question another time

and they answer
in a different way.

That's not because
they're lying, ma'am.

I know that
and I appreciate that.

There's been a death.

People are in shock,
confusion.

People misremember.

They misspeak themselves.

Have I said something wrong?

Well, let's go all over again.

You said you knew nothing about how Mr.
McAndrews spent his nights.

That had nothing
to do with you?

Mmm-hmm.

Sometimes we dined together
if we worked late.

And dates, girls.

Maybe somebody he lived with.

We never asked each other.

Well, that holds
with what you said before.

But I'm surprised, ma'am.

And I don't mind telling you,
I find it all very troubling.

Because I was at Mr.
McAndrews' house yesterday.

The beach house.

And some cleaning
was delivered,

some slacks and this blazer.

And that's the problem, ma'am.

This blazer.

You see, I noticed that the
buttons are on the wrong side.

It buttons right over left,

the wrong side
for a man's jacket that is,

because this is
a woman's blazer.

There's a tailor's
label in it.

And I checked on that.
This jacket was made for you.

It's your jacket.

Would you like to try it on,
ma'am?

No.

Well, since you were sending
your cleaning out

from Mr. McAndrews' house,

I can only assume...

All right, Lieutenant.

You've done very good work.
You've caught me in a lie.

I would say so, ma'am, yes.

Well, the corporation being
what it is,

Mark and I didn't feel
it would be very discrete

to advertise
our relationship.

Now, you can understand
that, can't you?

Yes, ma'am,
I can understand that.

But being discrete with the police,
that's something else again.

Is it so really important
to the police?

Well, you might have been able
to tell us things.

Now, we're gonna have
to talk about that.

All right.

I'm due on location now,

so perhaps we can talk
about it later on tomorrow.

As you say, you're not
racing the clock and I am.

I guess another day won't
make that much difference.

And I promise not to
change my address

or renew my passport
or leave town

or ever tell another lie.

Well, you weren't even
under oath, ma'am.

But what we have here,

it's a matter
of civic responsibility.

All the way down, ma'am?

All the way down.

I mean, if everybody kept their
little secrets from the police,

we'd be forever getting
to the bottom of our cases.

My goodness.

I'm not supposed
to do this in the elevator.

Excuse me?

I was talking about
cooperation, ma'am.

I had a case once.
A man was cheating on his wife

and he was
a very important witness,

but he was afraid to tell me.

I understand.

I hope you do, ma'am.

I apologize, Lieutenant.
I hope you forgive me.

Well, it's not
my place, ma'am.

Oh, just so we have
a meeting of minds.

Oh, about that note, the one that was on Mr.
McAndrews' desk.

The one with
all the numbers on it,

the , the ,
the , the .

Nothing to worry about, ma'am.

It came to me. Those were
just some automobile models,

different kinds
of Mercedes cars.

So I guess, Mr. McAndrews, he must
have been in the market for a new car.

Aren't you coming, ma'am?

No, there's a phone call
I forgot to make.

Good night, Lieutenant.

Good night, ma'am.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(ELEVATOR BELL RINGS)

Good night.

GUARD: Miss Freestone,

a young fellow from
the agency left it.

I was supposed
to give you these.

I don't know anything
about it.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CAROUSEL MUSIC PLAYING)

KAY: This...

And this.

And these two pages.

It only hurts
for a little while, boys.

And they'll never miss
what they don't know.

Now, at least you're back
on schedule for tonight.

Where's the AD?

Kay, got a minute for me?

Mr. Flanagan. Of course.

All right if we
sit in the car?

If you like.

Oh, Carl.

Does this bother you?

No, not at all.

I want to talk about some of the
difficulties you've been having.

Valerie Kirk.

I understand she's
a close personal friend.

Yes, that's true.

I also understand that her director tried
to warn you about her incompetence.

That's also true.

Well, we'll put that aside.

The decision to use
The Professional

as a replacement
for Valerie's show,

I'm sure you know
the ratings were very poor.

Well, under
the circumstances...

Well, you created
the circumstances.

Now, Kay,

nobody knows better than you that The
Professional cost us $ , , ,

including a second run.

Now, you wasted the first one.

You threw away
an impressive film.

I was under the impression that
you didn't like that film at all.

You had no right to make an
assumption about what I like.

We'll... We'll
put that aside, too.

I've also been told
that you're...

You're planning to...

To move into Mark's
office tomorrow.

Why not?

I'll be needing more space.

The office comes with the job.

But you don't, Kay.

Nobody ever told you that your
present duties were permanent.

Also, I question your taste

in leaping so quickly
behind a dead man's desk.

Well, I seem to have made
quite a big hit.

All in all.

Now, you don't have to rush
looking for a new position.

We'll, let's say, make it
official at the end of the month?

I'll try to consult you
in the press release.

Do you expect hysterics?

I hope not.

I'm as tough as you are.

I'll survive.

And you'll want me back.

I hope so.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Let's go to
the party, Carl.

MAN: Dinner break,
one half hour, folks.

(CAROUSEL MUSIC CONTINUES)

Excuse me.

I'm looking for
Miss Freestone.

Search me.
We're on dinner break.

(CAROUSEL MUSIC
PLAYING LOUDLY)

Miss Freestone!

COLUMBO ON T. V: Miss Freestone
, ma'am, are you here?

Miss Freestone.

We're very busy
where I am, Lieutenant.

You're going to have to forgive me.
We have problems.

Too many problems
to speak now.

KAY ON SPEAKER: So I'm sorry,
you'll have to forgive me.

I can't speak right now,
Lieutenant.

Oh, I get it.

The cameras.

Oh, you're up
in that control place.

You can see me
on those big screens?

I'm right. You can see me.
Right, ma'am?

Lieutenant, can we speak
tomorrow at the office?

No, I... I'll call you.

I definitely promise I'll do
that, Lieutenant. I'll call you.

Well, it's very important
that we talk tonight, ma'am.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

I'm afraid I'll have to insist, ma'am.
I really have to do that.

I can't accept that.

I can't speak now!

Please bear with me, ma'am.

It has to do with the car.

The SL, the silver one
that's registered in your name.

The one that Mr. McAndrews bought.
That's all very puzzling, ma'am.

And there are other things.

There's your picture,
The Professional,

and this connection with whoever
m*rder*d Mr. McAndrews.

And there is a connection.
I'm pretty sure of that, ma'am.

I'm afraid it's necessary.

I know you're under
a lot of pressure, ma'am,

but there are these things that
we should talk about tonight.

I don't like to have to talk
to you this way, ma'am.

I know how you feel.

But it's very hard
not being able to see you.

(KAY SCREAMING)

Ma'am?

I told you I have work
to do, Lieutenant.

This show needs a lot of work.

The script needs work.

Ma'am,

like I asked you before,
this new job you got,

would you have it if Mr.
McAndrews hadn't been m*rder*d?

No.

I already told you,
I don't think so.

I don't think so either.

Is that why he
bought you the car?

Sort of a parting gift
considering your relationship,

like he was
getting rid of you?

I find that very intrusive,
Lieutenant.

And I don't think
you have a right.

Oh, I have the right, ma'am.

But I understand
your feelings.

Please, keep bearing
with me, ma'am.

Sit down.

You know,
maybe it was fate.

But I came within seconds

of not seeing your
TV movie The Professional.

But I did see it, ma'am.

And I noticed
something very peculiar.

So peculiar that I had the
projectionist run it again today.

And that Technical Director
that I met,

he made this up for me
on television tape.

It's your movie, ma'am.

The part where the fella's in the hotel
room and he's gonna sh**t himself.

Now, the Technical Director
told me

that there would be
an eject button, blue.

Yes.

And a slot right here.

And an RT button one.

Here.

There it is ma'am.

(MOOD Y JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Now, we'll just
watch this together, ma'am.

There it is now, there.

There he is.
He's by the sink.

And there he's washing.

There, right there,
you see the flash?

Yes, Lieutenant,
it's a cue blip.

And now the second one.

There. There's
the second cue.

Now that's the cue for the
projectionist to make his changeover.

Am I right, Miss Freestone?

Yes, Lieutenant,
I'm very impressed.

Excuse me, ma'am.
I don't mean to interrupt.

Right there, that high sh*t where
the man's lying on the hotel bed.

That's where
the new reel begins.

Just watch it, ma'am.

(g*n f*ring ON T. V.)

And there, that's where
the man commits su1c1de.

And that's what
the projectionist saw

right after he got back
from the shipping room.

That's what Mr. Mearhead
told me.

He came back into the booth, looked up
and he saw a man blowing his brains out.

You had to make the changeover

right before Mr.
Mearhead got back from the shipping room.

Not a few minutes earlier,

not sometime before,

like he thought.

I'm afraid, in this case,

Walter must be confused,
Lieutenant.

He checked the footage
counter before he left.

You must've fooled him
about that, ma'am.

What I think,

I think you changed
the footage counter

to place yourself in the projection
booth at the time of the m*rder.

But really, ma'am,

you had time enough to leave the booth
and get to Mr. McAndrews' office.

Just enough time.

Because when you rushed back
to make the changeover,

that's when you must've
dropped this glove

by the projector.

It's Walter's glove.

Walter's projection booth.

I don't think you have
a case against Walter.

No, ma'am. Not the way he kept
that booth, so immaculate and all.

I don't see him just throwing
a glove on the floor.

And the lab says that this
glove has powder burns on it.

And then there's the g*n.

Mr. McAndrews' g*n,

the g*n that m*rder*d him.

The one that you put
on the elevator.

Our people found it
this afternoon.

And then we took a second g*n,

one that looked like this g*n

and we put it
back on the elevator.

But we put it
where it could be seen

as if the continuous movement
of the elevator had jiggled it

so now it became visible.

Watch this, ma'am.

That's a TV picture of where
we placed the second g*n,

just before you got on
the elevator with me, ma'am.

There it is. Now, there...

That's the way it looked

right after you got back on
the elevator and came off it.

And you'll notice,

there is no g*n.

Not anymore.

Because you got rid of it.

But this g*n...

This is the g*n that
you m*rder*d him with.

I see.

I'm sure you do, ma'am.

It's very odd.

They say there's
a great sense of relief

that comes when
something like this is over.

I don't feel that at all.

Quite the opposite.

Will you be taking me?

Yes, ma'am, into town.
After that...

After that, I think
I know what will happen.

I'll fight.

I'll survive.

I might even win.

Yes, ma'am.

Should we turn this off,
ma'am?

It doesn't matter.

Yes, ma'am,
the power shortage.

I think I know
the right button.