08x01 - Columbo Goes to the Guillotine

[bunniefuu]

(ELECTRONIC DEVICES HUMMING)

WOMAN: Let's have some light
on the lady, please.

Raise your left hand,
and what do you see?

I see a person
with her left hand raised.

That's what you're supposed
to see, Paula.

MAN: We're still calibrating.

Talk to me, Dr. Hull.

My name is Paula Hull.

My doctorate is
in parapsychology.

I'm the director of the Anneman
Institute for Psychic Research,

and I feel very silly talking
about myself like this.

Also, everything
I just said is a lie.

MAN: Too early to tell.

Anybody got a question
for Dr. Hull?

DORI: How old are you,
Paula?

PAULA: Inadmissible question.

(CHUCKLES) All right,
we'll ask something else.

What is the head of the Institute
doing in the isolation chamber?

PAULA: I don't see why the
assistants should have all the fun.

I just thought
I'd try it myself this time.

False.

MAN: Not yet, Mr. Blake.
We're still calibrating.

But the answer
does appear false.

DORI: Ooh, what do you say
to that, Paula?

If you really want to know, I'm here because
I damn well don't trust anybody else.

(DORI LAUGHING)

Please, Paula. I have to
calibrate my own machine.

The test'll be difficult
enough. No jokes, please.

MAN: Polygraph ready.

For the official record,
it is Monday, March th,

the third
of our series of tests

establishing the telepathic capabilities
of our subject, Mr. Eliot Blake.

Again, we are being observed by a distinguished
panel of CIA and Pentagon officials.

Let us begin.
Dr. Hull,

you'll find in front of you
a deck of Zenner cards.

Please shuffle the deck
thoroughly, and cut it.

Ready.

DORI: Now place the deck
face down in front of you.

When I say begin, you will turn
over the cards, one by one,

and name each card.

Whether you name each card correctly
or incorrectly is entirely up to you.

Is that clear?
Yes.

Now, Mr. Blake, you will attempt to
determine, to the best of your ability,

whether Dr. Hull's statements are
true or false. Is that clear?

Perfectly.

Very well.
Test number one. Begin.

PAULA:
I'm looking at a circle.

False.

DORI: Test number two.

Square.

True.

Test number three.

PAULA: Cross.

DORI: Mr. Blake?

False.

Test .

Circle.

False. No, no, no.

True.

Test .

A wavy line.

False.

DORI: And that completes
our series at this time.

The third card after a
wavy line is always false.

How many times
have we been through this?

I'm sorry, Eliot,
I tried.

Try to understand there's
a precision to all this.

And it starts with the premise
that you will lose your institute

unless you please the m*llitary
and Mr. Harrow.

Do you think
you've pleased them, Paula?

No. Not yet.
Not yet.

Because you gave them %
accuracy when you and I agreed

to set a level of %.

Right.
We'll rehearse it again.

The first answer after
the square is always true,

unless there's an intervening circle,
and the second answer after a wavy line

is always false, unless that
wavy line itself is false.

Or is it true?
God, I don't know anymore!

So much for our scientific study
of extrasensory perception.

Our Mr. Harrow is not
impressed with statistics.

This man is in the market
for miracles.

I have the power
to astonish him,

you, and the entire world,
Paula.

But I am not a dancing
dog in a carnival.

Eliot, he will be back tomorrow.
We have to show him more.

God, we never should
have started this.

We started this for you.

To maintain your funding,
my dearest Doctor.

Tomorrow I can resume
my work in London.

If that's what
you would prefer.

No.

I want you here with me.

Then believe this.

God has blessed me with gifts
as far beyond trickery

as the stars lie
beyond this earth.

You're frightened, Paula.

I know.

I always know.

What you're thinking.

What you're feeling.

MAN: Mr. Harrow.
Colonel.

Has Dyson arrived yet?

Yes, sir,
I believe he has.

The Soviet Union is deeply engaged in
psychic research for intelligence purposes.

Now, either they're a pack of fools or
we're missing a very important bet.

Take a position,
Dr. Hull.

Our position's obvious,
Mr. Harrow.

In terms of
practical results,

Eliot's scores are the highest
ever recorded at this institute.

Well, in that case, the next time we
suspect a double agent in our midst,

I'll just frighten him to
death with your test scores.

Exactly what
do you want of me?

Hard proof
of your abilities.

The impossible
on demand.

That's a fair
description.

For a subject
of your qualifications.

What flavor of impossible?

In general terms, a
demonstration that you can,

telepathically
and precisely,

intercept the thoughts and actions
of an enemy. Fair enough?

Nothing is that certain in
the field of parapsychology.

Oh, I think we can satisfy Mr.
Harrow's fierce thirst for certainty.

On what terms?

Our terms.

Are you willing, Mr. Blake,
to submit to one more test?

One conducted
by an outside authority?

I have no objections.

Phil.

Mr. Dyson.

I'm sure you're both
familiar with Max Dyson.

April fool, Paula.

Say hello
to the bogeyman.

This is your authority?
A fake magician?

Fake?

I'm a magician.
Max the Magnificent.

A pretty good mentalist
in my time.

I've certainly learned
all the tricks.

HARROW: You are aware that Mr.
Dyson's made a specialty out of dealing with psychics.

The expression is
"exposing charlatans."

This institute
exposes charlatans.

Good.
We ought to get along fine.

You're Eliot Blake.

And you're Max,

the Magnificent.

Just so we understand
each other,

I've tested hundreds
of you people,

your incredible,
mystical psychic gifts.

Surely some were genuine.

None. Not a one.

Nothing I couldn't explain
and duplicate.

That's in case anyone here
has the idea I'm a believer.

So if you still
want to play,

these are the protocols.

We'll try some
distant viewing.

We'll need a day or two
to study the conditions.

If the terms are as straightforward
as Magnificent Max,

I think we can make a contribution to
his education in psychic phenomena.

We might even make him
a believer.

You realize what this means, Mr.
Blake?

Yes.

It could mean
the end of my career.

Or possibly yours, Max.

Now we shall see.

Yes. Now we shall see.

(FOGHORN BLARING)

That's for the past.

Now we're matched
against each other.

"Eliot Blake"?

I've been reading about you.
European journals.

When did you
change your name?

When I got out, Max.

Three years after you.

degrees
in the shade,

or an afternoon of poker
in a Ugandan prison.

I read that in your book.

Dyson On Mind Reading.

You're giving away
our secrets, Max.

We survived the African slammer.
Together.

You were a very
good student.

Why not?

You taught me
everything you knew.

Everything I know.

What are you going to do
about the test, Eliot?

I'm gonna try
and fool you, Max.

Unless you back off.

I can't do that.

You can.

No, no, no.

Gone too far now.

For both of us.

You better be good, kid.

Oh, I am, Max.

I'm very good.

Ready, Mr. Blake?

I'm ready, Max.

Pursuant to instructions
from Mr. Harrow,

I've designed today's test
to eliminate any possibility

of fraud, collusion
or deception.

MAX: The selected problem
is viewing at a distance.

Three m*llitary officers in
the field will randomly select

three distant target images

and attempt to project those images
to our subject, Eliot Blake,

by mental telepathy.

The subject will attempt
to intercept these projections

via extrasensory perception.

That, ladies and gentlemen,
is our test.

All right.

Cars Alpha, Bravo and
Charlie, wherever you are,

as soon as you can do so safely, pull over
to the side of the road and report in.

This is Bravo reporting.

Alpha reporting in.

Charlie reporting.

Gentlemen, you have each been given a
sealed package. Please open it now.

Inside you will find a city map book
, an eye shield, a felt-tip pen,

a rubber band, a compass,
and an instant camera.

To ensure that each of you select an
absolutely random viewing target,

please put on
the eye shield.

Now flip through the pages of the map
book and stop at any random page.

Take the felt-tip pen and touch
it to the page you've selected.

When you've done that, wrap the
rubber band around the map book,

and remove the eye shield.

When you get there,
report in.

Any objections,
Mr. Blake?

It's your test, Max.

This is Bravo.
I'm in position.

Mr. Harrow, will you select a direction,
north, south, east or west?

West.

Lieutenant, turn to the west and
take a photograph of what you see.

(CLICKS)

Now clear your mind
of everything else

and concentrate intently
on the scene before you.

All right, Mr. Blake, if you're
able to receive any images,

please record them
on your pad.

I have something.

Place your sketch
in the drawer on your left.

Back to you, Lieutenant.
Please place the photograph of your target

into the fax machine
on the seat next to you.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(CLICKS)

(SIGHS)

Well, Max?

Now we'll see.

We got him.
Yeah.

Congratulations.

I think we have some work
for you, Mr. Blake.

Are you a believer, Max?

Congratulations.

(BELL RINGING)

(BELL RINGING)

Bad idea,
your coming here.

I should've said no.

Oh, I wanted this, Max.

What is all this?
It's a guillotine.

I don't exactly get rich hiring
out to people like Mr. Harrow.

This...

I build magic effects.

I have a magic store
downstairs.

Do me a favor.
Lie down.

Why did you
help me today, Max?

Quite a little stunt we pulled.
Maybe we should take it on the road.

Why, Max?

You have to ask me that?
After what we went through in Uganda?

So we cooked up a little illusion for Mr.
Harrow. I'll survive the insult.

See how you like this.

Beautiful effect, huh?

You know, Max,
for a moment this afternoon,

I really thought that
you were going to betray me.

Again.

What do you mean?

That show that you put on,

well, I thought it might be
to make it up to me,

you know, for what
happened in the prison.

Remember, Max?

The escape we planned.

And then one day
you vanished.

Max the Magnificent was out.

And then the guards knew exactly where to
look for my clever little escape tricks.

My God,
is that what you think?

I think you sold me, Max.

Freedom for you...

(COCKING g*n)

Three more years for me.

That isn't true!

And every hour
of every night,

I dreamt about
being like this.

They let me go!

Here and now!

I gave them money!
I never betrayed you.

I never gave them you.

If you want to k*ll me,
you can,

but try to remember what we meant
to each other in that place.

What we gave each other,

and put that together
with this craziness.

It doesn't make sense.

Okay, Max.

I had to know.

(CHUCKLING)
Your hands are shaking.

Be calm, old friend.

Go back to your machine, hmm?

Maybe I will.

No guilt to hide, hmm?

You finish up.

And then,

well,

perhaps we can
have a drink, hmm?

It's almost done.

Well, you'll need this.

No! What are you doing?

Tell me again
about our friendship.

You don't understand.
I had to get out of that place.

Oh! Oh, no!

(SCREAMING)

You didn't really think

I'd ever forgive you,
did you, Max?

Didn't your wife
just have a baby?

Yes, sir.
Last month. A boy.

What'd you name him?
Harry.

Harry. That's some
terrific name for a baby.

What's happening here,
Officer?

Oh, I don't know,
Lieutenant.

The owner, he's the
guy behind the bar.

He won't talk to nobody
but Homicide.

Nobody else.

Hmm.

You the owner?

Who are you?

Lieutenant Columbo.
Homicide.

You're the owner?

Sergeant Russo, retired.

What's the problem here,
Sergeant?

Blood.

Well, what's up there?

Some kind of workshop.
Belongs to the magic shop next door.

We're getting there,
Lieutenant.

COLUMBO: Okay.

Was he in the habit
of working late?

All night sometimes.

That's why he bolts that door
and locks the freight elevator.

So if nobody got in there,
what happened to him?

LOCKSMITH:
We got it, Lieutenant.

(EXCLAIMS)

You'd better not come in.

I give you a time of death somewhere
between : and midnight.

And you can count on it.

Right.

Lieutenant, this is the
screwdriver we found in his hand.

Look at this, Sergeant.

What do you think of that?
This whole place is one big magic trick.

You can't believe
anything you see.

Both doors were locked
from the inside,

the freight elevator locked,

the door to the stairs locked.

The safety bolt over there,
it's hanging from its chain.

I mean, the guy
obviously screwed up.

I'm gonna give you this one as an
accident, and you can count on it.

Hey, that was off
when I got here.

It was off
when I got here, too.

I mean, it could
have been a su1c1de.

But who ever heard of a
su1c1de with a guillotine?

I'm still gonna give you
this one as an accident.

Have the lab check
this out for blood.

You never know.

He was loved,

but not by those mind
readers and psychics.

They weren't so crazy about him
once he got on their case.

But magicians loved him.

I loved him.

I've never seen
so many wonderful tricks.

Those beautiful
Chinese rings.

And that terrific
birdcage.

Once, on a vacation
with Mrs. Columbo,

I saw a magician

make a tiger disappear
right out of a ring.

But I have never seen a trick like
that guillotine trick upstairs.

That must be
some dangerous trick.

Not if you're careful.

Max built in some safeguards
that made it all foolproof.

What happened to Max?
That didn't look very foolproof.

How do you explain that?

Are you sure you won't
join me, Lieutenant?

No, thank you very much, sir.

Max must've
gotten careless.

Forgot to lock in
the safety bolt.

To Max the Magnificent.

To Max, sir.

And all these tricks,
you know how they all work?

That's my job.

A very beautiful
and ancient art.

And the mind reading part,
how did all that work?

Consultant to universities,
corporations, government agencies,

exposing those ESP people.

He even wrote a book on it,
Dyson On Mind Reading.

Max was so good himself, he never
found a psychic who wasn't a fake.

Not a single one.
Until yesterday.

Is that a fact, sir?

He conducted a big test out
at some think t*nk institute.

Really shook him up.

Are you sure you won't
join me, Lieutenant?

Well, Mr. Spindler,
I think I'm off duty now.

There you go.

Max Dyson,
a magician's magician.

To Max.

Max the Magnificent.

The psychic who passed
Mr. Dyson's test, ma'am,

he must be an extremely gifted
person to pass a test like this.

He is indeed, Lieutenant.
The test was an enormous success.

A milestone in authenticated
parapsychology.

Now, this Mr. Blake,
could I meet Mr. Blake?

Eliot? Why?

Well, it's just police routine, Dr.
Hull, for our report.

When someone dies the way Mr.
Dyson did, in a strange way like that,

we have to make out
a very full report.

Mr. Dyson and Mr.
Blake, have they worked together before?

I wouldn't say
they'd worked together at all.

If anything, I'd say they
worked against each other.

I mean, they met
only a few days ago.

Let me see if I can find Eliot
for you, hmm? Excuse me.

Lieutenant, would you
mind waiting here?

Oh, no, ma'am.
Sorry, I thought you wanted me to come.

I'll be right back.

GUIDE: Now, if you'll stay together
and follow me, we'll have a look

at our special
research operations.

Our subjects, incidentally, have been
selected from all over the world.

As bizarre as some of
these studies may seem,

bear in mind that
all of these phenomena

are also being closely
analyzed in the Soviet Union.

Here our researchers are testing
some visiting telepaths.

Computer analysis show that
these folks are scoring %.

That's well above the national norm,
but far below Institute standards.

From India.

And here, in this booth,
they're testing Turkish twins

whose brain waves
are perfectly synchronized,

a prerequisite
for telepathic communication.

(EQUIPMENT BEEPING)

And this subject possesses
an extraordinary ability

to detect colors and shapes
with her fingertips.

A form of eyeless vision utilizing an
unknown form of electromagnetic radiation

that could have m*llitary
applications as important as radar.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

But we humans aren't the only species
that exhibit extrasensory perception.

(BEEPING)

As you can see, plants, too,
are subject to fear,

a phenomenon that may well replace
chemicals as a m*llitary defoliant.

This way, please.

In our computer center, we'll
see how all this works out

in terms of
statistical analysis.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

It's okay, don't worry.

See, it's not lit.

Lieutenant Columbo?
I'm Eliot Blake,

and I understand
you wanted to see me.

I do, indeed, sir.

Forgive me for wandering off, but all
these things, absolutely fascinating.

I'm Lieutenant Columbo.
Police. Homicide.

But you knew who I was right away, sir.
That's incredible.

Well, your ID badge helped,
Lieutenant.

Now, how can I help you?

Well, I'm not sure, sir.
I'm investigating the death of Max Dyson.

Whenever someone dies, and he
isn't under a doctor's care,

we have to do these things,
Mr. Blake.

Is there some place
we could talk?

The door's marked secret.
Are you sure we should be in here?

Everything about this place
is secret, Lieutenant.

This is where the Institute does
most of its important testing.

It's a fantastic place.

Most of their research
is funded by the government.

As you can imagine, the
potential m*llitary application

of extrasensory perception
is virtually limitless.

Right.
I never thought of that.

Is that what they call
an isolation booth, sir?

Isolation chamber.

That's where I did
my work yesterday.

And passed
Mr. Dyson's test.

That's right, Lieutenant,
I passed his test.

You are the first psychic who
ever did that, aren't you, sir?

So I'm told.

That's very impressive, sir.

My goodness.

And Mr. Dyson, what was his
reaction to your passing his test?

Shock. Disbelief.
Bitterness.

Understandable, of course, when you
consider he spent his whole life

denying the validity
of extrasensory perception.

I do understand that, sir.

Dr. Hull, she said that you never met Mr.
Dyson until a few days ago.

Is that right, sir?

Two days before the test.

Well, forgive me, sir, but
that strikes me as very odd,

you both being
in the same business and all.

We're hardly in the same
business, Lieutenant.

I'm a psychic.
Max Dyson was a magician.

He made his living
convincing his clients

that all psychic phenomena
are fraudulent.

For the past years, I've lived in
Europe, where the psychic community

takes a good deal of pride
in policing itself

without the aid
of people like Max Dyson.

Well, now I've got to admit
I'm confused, sir.

What confuses you,
Lieutenant?

Your feeling the way you do
about Mr. Dyson.

I can't help wondering, why did
you agree to be tested by him?

Well, that's simple.

Dyson's client
insisted upon it.

Do you mind telling me
who that client was, sir?

I'm sorry, Lieutenant,
I can't tell you his name.

Like everything else
around here, that's a secret.

Well, there I go asking
the wrong questions again.

So whenever I do that, you just
stop me, sir, the way you just did.

One more thing, sir.

Can you do me a favor?
It'll only take a minute.

Of course, if I can.

Oh, you can, sir.
I'm convinced of that.

Well, what is it,
Lieutenant?

Can you read my mind?

Your mind?

Tell me what
I'm thinking?

Well, I can try.
Over here.

Now, you see, Lieutenant,
these are six ESP cards,

a square, a circle, a cross,
a wavy line,

a triangle and a star.

I want you to mentally
select one of them,

then draw a picture of it
in your notebook.

Any card I want?

Any card you want. Just think about
it and draw a picture of it.

Is it okay
if I change my mind?

Of course.

Right. I got it.

Now concentrate

intently upon the image
that you drew.

Okay.

You can open your
eyes now, Lieutenant.

Is that the card
that you were thinking of?

That's it.
That's incredible.

And I sense that that was the
one that you were thinking of

before you changed
your mind.

That's right, sir.

That's the exact card.
Look.

I was thinking of a circle,
and then I changed my mind.

And you knew that.

You knew the exact card.

What I wouldn't give
to be able to do that.

In my business, if I knew exactly
what the suspect was thinking,

well, I would make
some wonderful detective.

I imagine you would.

Do the anti-gravico.
Do the rattle bars.

Do the multiplying rabbits.
Do the Svengali deck, Bert.

The Svengali deck.
Which one of you got money?

I do.
Show me.

Then we do the Svengali deck.
All right.

Oh, I'll be with you
in a minute, Lieutenant.

No hurry, sir.

Now I have here an
ordinary deck of cards.

But watch very,
very carefully,

backs are all the same,
faces are all different.

What a bunch of saps.
Bert's hustling them.

You a magician?

Me? Nah, just a cop.
You a magician?

Watch this.

Pick a card,
any one you like.

Got it?

Got it.

In the middle.

In the middle.

No, it's not.
It's on the top.

What's your card?

Ace of diamonds.

Is this
the ace of diamonds?

Let's do that again.

In the middle.

In the middle.

And off the top.

That's practice.
Study and practice.

(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING)

Those kids,
they're just kids.

Saps. They never even
heard of practice.

Let me see your cigar.

Nice and sharp.

I want to thank you
for that.

They call this
the finger guillotine.

Stick your finger
in there.

You sure you know
how to work this?

Don't worry,
Max Dyson taught me.

Now that's a neat trick.
Name's Tommy.

I do birthday parties, bar mitzvahs.
Whatever you need.

Gimme a call sometime.

(KIDS CHATTERING)

Now that's called
the Svengali deck.

You know how
to work this thing?

Sure. I figured you'd ask.

That's why I brought this.

What's that?

Your head.

Now, your head goes here.

Okay, Lieutenant.

Now, the first thing
the magician does

is prove to the audience that
this is a real guillotine.

That's the convincer, where the magician
shows the blade is really sharp.

Well, that's one thing
I'm already convinced.

Now you lie down
on the board, face up.

Listen, if I have to
lose a finger, okay.

But a whole neck?

Oh, come on, Lieutenant.
You're gonna love it.

That's it,
just lie back,

down there.

You sure you're
doing this right?

Yeah. Pretty sure.

Comfy? Good.
Here we go.

How's your neck,
Lieutenant?

(SIGHING)

(BERT CHUCKLING)

I'm just glad Mrs. Columbo
wasn't here to see this.

She'd have had a heart att*ck.
I think I just had one.

I had to go and ask
how this thing works.

No, you didn't.
You asked me if I knew how to work it.

That's an entirely
different thing.

Different than what?

Asking me to explain the trick,
how the guillotine works.

Well, that's what
I was gonna ask you.

You were going to ask me
a thing like that?

Well, that's what
I had in mind.

I can't tell,
Lieutenant.

But this is for Max.

Max was a magician. I'm a magician.
You're not a magician.

Magicians never tell.
I gotta get back downstairs.

Oh, let me know if there's anything
I can do to help you, Lieutenant.

Anything at all.

See you later.

MINISTER: Of all the magi we
have known, this was the wisest.

Let us pray now for our brother of
the earthly mysteries, Max Dyson.

His inquiring mind and vast knowledge embraced
all the enigmas of our secret science.

In theory, he was unexcelled.
In execution, perfect.

In his brief,
illuminating journey,

he unlocked all the arcane secrets
of those who came before.

Now he has been summoned by the
grand master of the universe

to join his mystic circle,

and to be initiated into the most
miraculous mystery of them all.

Max the Magnificent has performed his
most breathtaking vanishing act.

In a twinkling,
he is gone from our stage.

We applaud him
and sing farewell.

(BELL TOLLING)

(CHIRPING)

Mr. Blake.
Mr. Blake, sir.

Excuse me,
Mr. Blake.

Yes, Lieutenant.

It was a very enjoyable funeral.
Very moving.

For a moment there, sir, I believe
you had a tear in your eye.

Did I?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I thought that was,

well, it was peculiar,
Mr. Blake.

Considering that you were what we
might call professional adversaries.

If a man weeps at all, Lieutenant,
he weeps at funerals.

But you hardly
knew him, sir.

There are those here
who loved him.

One respects that.

I understand, sir.

What I want to do,
Mr. Blake,

I want to talk to you
about my problem,

my report on exactly what happened when Mr.
Dyson lost his head, so to speak.

I really do have to be getting
back to the Institute.

Which brings me
to another point, sir.

Whenever I'm stuck on a case,
whenever I don't know what to do,

my wife, Mrs.
Columbo, she always hands me an article

from one of those
supermarket magazines

about some psychic that goes
to the scene of the crime,

feels around for the vibrations,
and he solves the case.

Yes, Lieutenant, such things are quite
common in parapsychology journals.

There was a very successful
Dutch psychic that...

Exactly, sir.
That's what I want to ask you.

Could you do that
for me?

I'm sorry, I've never
done such a thing.

Well, it could be a very
important experiment, Mr. Blake.

I hate to bother you like this,

but could you come down
to where Mr. Dyson d*ed

and see if you could
sense anything?

I agree, Lieutenant.
Perhaps I could try.

Well, that's all
I can ask, sir.

(BELL RINGING)

Sorry I'm late,
Lieutenant.

Oh, no, sir. I used the time
to start Mr. Dyson's book.

Did you know he had written a book?
On mind reading, sir.

No.

So, this is where
it all happened, hmm?

Well, it's not just a book on
how to pretend to read minds.

It's all about
Mr. Dyson's life.

Did you know that he was
in a prison in Uganda?

No. I didn't
know that, either.

This is some sort
of safety device?

Yes, sir. I believe
it's called a safety bolt.

That's the way it was hanging
the night he d*ed.

The reason Mr. Dyson ended up
there in that African prison,

so he says, one card trick too many.
The game was poker.

There was some kind of an
argument there, some kind of...

Oh, here I go on
about Mr. Dyson,

and you came here
to help me.

I'm sorry, sir, I'll
just sit down over here,

and you go right
ahead, Mr. Blake.

Exactly what is it that you
expect of me, Lieutenant?

I thought maybe
you could sense.

Sense?

Vibrations. Like how Mr.
Dyson d*ed in this room.

Are you sensing something?
Please, Lieutenant.

I'm sorry, sir.
I'm sorry.

There is an emotional mist
in this place.

A residue of despair,

and hopelessness.

Pain... beyond belief.

And here...

An ache of anguish

as tangible as... brick.

Oppressive.

A passion

to escape
from life itself.

Torment, death,

and freedom.

To end it all.

I'm sorry,
Lieutenant, I...

I don't think
I can get any more.

su1c1de?

What a terrible,
terrible way to die.

That's the most incredible
thing I've ever seen.

To draw all that
right out of the air.

The atmosphere.
The residue.

Death.
su1c1de.

So it seems.

But it couldn't
have been su1c1de.

The emotional track
was as strong as perfume.

Why would the man
commit su1c1de, sir?

I observed him
to be a broken man.

After his test
with the Institute,

well, his entire universe
was shattered.

After his lifelong claim
that all psychics were frauds,

well, he had nowhere
left to stand.

Well, that could explain su1c1de,
sir, but what about this?

Cabbage?

Cabbage.
And wait till you see this.

A three-pound corned beef.

Corned beef.

Corned beef
and cabbage, sir.

Why would a man go to the market and
buy yourself a three-pound corned beef

and pick out
two head of cabbage,

and then go home
and cut off his own head?

Well, he could have bought these
things at any time, Lieutenant.

You're right again, sir.
But what about this?

The receipt from the market.

You see the time?
And the date?

Do you see
what I mean, sir?

Yes, Lieutenant.
Then I agree.

We must eliminate su1c1de.

As you understand su1c1de.

(GROANS)

Still, my impressions
of this place are

pain, despair
and hopelessness.

su1c1de has many modes.

Sometimes
the victim can, um...

disguise it to himself,

provoke an accident,
and perish.

An accident, Lieutenant.

That's terrific sensing, sir.

An accident that the
victim wants to happen.

Exactly.

But it couldn't
have been an accident.

I don't think I follow.

It's this screwdriver, sir.

To the guillotine, please.

It's the same screwdriver that
we found in the victim's hand

when we found him
lying like this,

only without a head, sir.

No head and a screwdriver.

Can you see how the screwdriver
is in this hand, sir?

Yes, Lieutenant.
I can see very clearly.

Now, in this position,
before the blade came down,

the only screws he could
reach were here, right here.

Right here inside
this track, sir.

Like this, sir.
But this screwdriver,

this is just
a regular screwdriver,

what they call a slotted
screwdriver, for regular screws.

But if you'll look at this
screw, sir, you see here?

You see that kind of screw?

That's a Phillips
head screw.

That's a completely different
kind of screw.

And a Phillips head screw,

that takes a completely
different kind of screwdriver.

Like this one here, sir.

And we found it
on the floor

along with a lot of other
tools near the guillotine.

Do you see
the difference, sir?

Do you see
what that means, sir?

What do you think
it means, Lieutenant?

Well, to me it means
that Mr. Dyson

couldn't have had the slotted
screwdriver in his hand,

not when he d*ed.

What would he be
doing with it?

And it means that Mr. Dyson
must've been working

with the Phillips head
screwdriver.

And when he d*ed,

the Phillips head
screwdriver,

it fell on the floor
like this.

And here's the really interesting part.
Somebody,

somebody who was here,

must've picked up the other
screwdriver by mistake,

and put it into
Mr. Dyson's hand,

maybe to make it
look like an accident.

But it wasn't
an accident, sir.

That's what these
two screwdrivers tell us.

Well, if it couldn't have
been an accident, Lieutenant,

and it couldn't
have been su1c1de,

are you intimating
that Max Dyson was, um,

m*rder*d?

Oh, no, sir. I'm saying it straight
out that the man was m*rder*d,

because we have to
consider this, too.

When the police came,
they found this part,

what they call the collar,
it was lying here, like this.

Way over here.

And the lab boys, they found
strong traces of blood,

Mr. Dyson's blood,
on this collar.

Which means

that when he was k*lled,

the collar was like this.
And the m*rder*r,

would that be the same one that put the
screwdriver back into Mr. Dyson's hand?

And the m*rder*r, he took the collar
off and he laid it over here.

So all of this would
look like an accident.

But it certainly
was a m*rder, sir.

But the newspapers said
that the workshop was locked

from the inside.

Two doors,

both locked.

Yes, sir.

The elevator door
and the door to the stairs.

Well, if that's true,
and Max Dyson was m*rder*d,

how did the m*rder*r get out?

That is very puzzling,
Mr. Blake.

Very puzzling indeed.

And I was hoping you could
help us with that.

Me?

How could I?

Vibrations, sir. Maybe what the
m*rder*r was feeling or thinking.

Well, so far, Lieutenant, I seem to be
picking up all the wrong vibrations.

I'm sorry, I don't seem
to have been very much help.

Well, don't you worry
about it, Mr. Blake.

Now that we've come this far, we're
certainly gonna find the m*rder*r.

And when we do, maybe you can
help us by reading his mind.

HARROW: You must consider
very carefully, Eliot,

if you choose to enter my employment,
there will be consequences.

I undertake that your wages will
be handsome, your life comfortable

and your work rewarding.
Understood?

Yes, I understand.

These are circumstances as
unusual as your own abilities,

and I can give very little
time for your decision.

If you accept,

a plane will arrive tomorrow night
to remove us from this environment.

In your case,
it will be forever.

Eliot Blake will vanish.

You will get a new identity,
a new name, a new life.

Understood?

Yes.

You let me know
by tomorrow night.

Good afternoon, Lieutenant.
What a pleasant surprise.

I hope I'm not
disturbing you, sir.

Not at all.
I'm just doing some reading.

London Psychic Society?

They just made you an honorary member
there, didn't they, Mr. Blake?

Now, how on earth
did you know that?

I was reading your curriculum
vitae that the Institute put out.

I was very impressed, sir.

What is a curriculum vitae?

Like a resume,
Lieutenant.

You seem to be taking
quite an interest in me.

And you've gotten me very
interested in mind reading.

Do you remember the experiment you
did with me over at the Institute?

The one
with the Zenner cards?

I tried it out
on Mrs. Columbo.

Successfully, I hope?

I'm gonna let you
be the judge of that.

Mrs. Columbo,
she was absolutely astounded.

(CHUCKLING)

Just pick out one of those cards, sir.
Any one you want.

Picked.

You sure you don't want
to change your mind?

Quite sure.
Good.

Okay, sir.

Now you just draw on this
blank sheet of paper

the card that you
were thinking of.

Drawn.

Okay, concentrate
on that card.

You're thinking of a star.
Am I right, sir?

Perfectly done, Lieutenant. You see, everybody
possesses a degree of psychic ability.

It's just a question
of development.

Oh, no, sir, I'm not psychic.
That was just a trick.

I read it
in Mr. Dyson's book.

I don't know whether I should
tell you this or not, sir,

because you're not
a magician.

And magicians, you know, they
can't reveal their secrets.

But all I did was watch
the end of the pencil.

I watched how it moved.

And I could tell right away
what picture you were drawing.

Well, you certainly fooled me.

I was convinced that
you had actually read my mind.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, no, sir, no.

No, I'm not psychic.

I just wish I was psychic.

Because this case,
it's still got me puzzled.

What's puzzling you now,
Lieutenant?

I was looking
at your curricular vitae.

You were born
in Uganda.

Yes, my father
was in business there.

I think I told you, sir,

that Mr. Dyson, he spent
time in Uganda, too.

You didn't happen to
know him, by any chance?

I've told you, Lieutenant.
I didn't know him at all.

I seem to remember
your telling me that Mr. Dyson

also spent some time
in a Ugandan prison.

Since I left there
when I was six,

it's hardly likely
that I should have met him.

I could have figured that out myself.
It's right here.

Anything else puzzling you,
Lieutenant?

Oh, yes, there are a lot of
things that are puzzling me.

But I'm not gonna take up
any more of your time.

You've been very cooperative,
sir, and I appreciate it.

Good day.
Good day, Lieutenant.

BLAKE: Yes, Mr. Eliot Blake will
be checking out late tomorrow.

Suite .

The Anneman Institute will
be taking care of the bill.

Yes, Dr. Paula Hull.

Thank you.

Who was that?

What? Oh, that
was room service.

I thought you might
like some champagne, hmm?

Well, you're quite
a vintage yourself.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Paula, what would you say

if I told you

that I was going away
for a while? Hmm?

For how long?

Quite a long time.

It's Harrow, isn't it?

He's made me a proposition.

I'm giving it some thought.

Will you give me
some thought?

Always.

You're going with him,
aren't you, Eliot?

I don't know yet.

Oh, come off it.

I know everything you think and feel.
I'm psychic that way.

Now that Harrow believes in you, will
you tell him you're not a dancing dog?

Will you persuade him that
you need to help each other,

just a touch of corruption,

now that it's Mr. Harrow providing
you with hotel suites and champagne?

That's enough, Paula.

Yes.

Enough.

Try to read my thoughts.
They're very vulgar, Eliot.

They'll tell you
what you can do to yourself.

TOMMY: I ain't telling
no guillotine trick.

Well, the other trick then.

Map book, eye shield,

rubber band,
a felt-tip pen,

a compass and an instant camera.
That right?

Right.

And the psychic draws a picture
of what the drivers see?

I saw the pictures.

That's some trick.

Do you know how it's done?

Maybe I can figure it out.

How?

It's a trick. You remember it's a trick
and you don't forget it's a trick.

Then you start
to figure it out.

Buy me another burger and shake
and I'll set to work on it.

Well, you can make
money disappear, kid.

I'll give you that.

You understand what ends
here and what begins.

Aboard that plane, Eliot
Blake will cease to exist.

I don't remember anyone
named Eliot Blake.

Good evening, Mr. Blake.

And you're Mr. Harrow.
I remember you, sir, from the wonderful funeral.

Lieutenant Columbo.
Homicide.

Forgive me
for arriving like this,

but the pilot, he was good enough
to pick me up over at the runway.

I'm sure it had to do
with the, uh,

the court order,
Mr. Blake.

What do you want,
Lieutenant?

Well, let me
put it this way, sir.

I would like to show you
a kind of magic show.

It could be
a terrific magic show, sir.

And I think you'd enjoy it,
too, Mr. Harrow.

I'm not under the jurisdiction
of any judge.

Well, whatever you say, sir.
But Mr. Blake, he certainly is.

He's a very serious judge.

COLUMBO: Here we are,
Mr. Blake, Mr. Harrow.

This is where we're
going to have our show.

If you'll just
take a seat over there.

It's going to be a kind
of psychic demonstration.

BRAVO: Car Bravo
ready for instructions.

ALPHA: Car Alpha, ready.
CHARLIE: Car Charlie reporting.

Back already?

Are you involved
in all of this?

I'm just an observer, Eliot.

Just like you.

This demonstration,

who's the psychic
you're showing off?

Why, that'll be me, sir.

Can you hear me,
Mr. Dyson?

Yeah, you're okay.

Here I am
in the isolation chamber,

looking at myself in a mirror.

Our demonstration tonight

is viewing at a distance.

And I'm going to try and imitate the
famous psychic, Mr. Eliot Blake.

The young man out there,
he's a friend of mine.

He's going to pretend
to be Max Dyson.

And we're going to use
all of Mr. Dyson's rules,

just like
when he tested Mr. Blake.

Are you ready, Mr. Dyson?

Ready, Mr. Blake.

Cars Alpha, Bravo
and Charlie,

you may stop
and open your packages now.

You'll find a city map book,
an eye shield,

an instant camera,
and a bunch of other stuff.

BRAVO: Car Bravo,
coming on target.

ALPHA: Alpha,
I'm on the money.

This is Bravo, do you
have a direction for me?

Alpha's got the picture.

Car Charlie
reporting on target.

Car Bravo having
difficulty with the scanner.

This is Charlie looking to the west.
Let me get this picture.

Car Bravo scanning,
it's coming through.

Car Alpha coming in.

Charlie scanning.
Got a pretty picture.

I'm concentrating.

Car Bravo concentrating
on the target.

Car Alpha. How long do
you want me to concentrate?

How'd I do?

(PAULA LAUGHING)

PAULA: Lieutenant, that's getting
to be a very popular stunt.

Everybody's doing it.

DORI: All cars are released
at this time.

Bravo.

How do you explain this,
Eliot?

Congratulations,
Lieutenant.

Well, from you, sir,
that's high praise.

Well, there is
only one explanation.

Lieutenant Columbo
is extraordinarily gifted.

COLUMBO: Oh, no.
Oh, no, sir.

I don't begin to have
Mr. Blake's gifts.

This, it was just
a magician's trick

taking advantage
of the fact

that you can get people
to believe almost anything.

Really?

Will you tell us how your
trick is done, Lieutenant?

Well, I'd like to, Mr. Harrow.
But we're not allowed to tell.

But it's a very simple trick,
it's almost obvious.

I'm sure
you can figure it out.

Maybe Mr. Blake
can help you.

(BELL RINGS)

So nice of you
to invite me, Lieutenant.

Yet again.

You blew my act.

So what other plans
do you have for my life?

Well, sir, if you can just give
this string a good hard tug,

I'd appreciate that.

Now, sir, if you'll just
pull on one of the ends.

It worked perfect, sir!
Perfect!

It worked just perfect, sir.

Just like in the book.

Locked Room Magic.

I tell you, this case has
been some education for me.

Do you think that's the way
Mr. Dyson's m*rder*r did it?

I mean, leaving
by the freight elevator

and then locking the door
from the inside?

It's not a subject
I dwell on.

You think it was a magician
that locked the door like that?

And a magician who knew
the guillotine trick?

A magician?

Mr. Blake,

I know I asked you here,

but why did you come?

Curiosity.

I had to know
how you worked it out.

Dyson's procedures,
drawing the pictures.

Mmm-hmm.

I know you're
expecting cabbages, sir.

(CHUCKLING)

If you'll oblige me, sir?

And the marking pen
and the rubber band.

And if you'll just
put this on, sir.

Now, if you'll just riffle
through the map book

and pick any page
at random,

just so we know
it's random.

Now the marking pen,
sir,

just punch it down,
any place at random.

Now I'll take
the marking pen

and the eye shield,
Mr. Blake.

And if you'll just slip on the
rubber band to mark your page.

The page and the point
that you marked

is the corner of Arroyo
and Holly Drive in Pasadena.

And if you went there
and you looked north,

I think you could draw
a picture of a bridge

with a big archway.

Is that the way
you did it, sir?

You looking for a confession,
Lieutenant?

For being a magician
instead of a real psychic?

I don't think
that's a crime, sir.

Not even when you use
a special map book

where all the pages
are exactly the same.

And the pen is
a special pen,

which won't make a mark
on the page.

Because the mark
is already there.

The same mark in the same
place on every page.

Arroyo and Holly Drive.

Arroyo and Holly Drive.

Arroyo and Holly Drive.

I don't care where you look, it's
always going to be the same.

And an eye shield,

so you can't see that the
mark is already there.

And a rubber band,

so you can't turn back

and see that all the pages
are alike.

I think you missed
your calling, Lieutenant.

As a psychic or a magician?

Now, Max Dyson,
he was a magician.

And he knew ahead of time
where the drivers were going

and the four directions
that they could look.

And you knew that, too,
Mr. Blake.

So you and Mr. Dyson
must've known each other.

So you could
work the trick together.

Well done again,
Lieutenant.

When Max Dyson and I
met a few days ago,

we got together
and rigged the test.

Why would he do that, sir?

I paid him.

Max wasn't the most honest
person in the world.

And to my astonishment,
I discovered some time ago

that I wasn't, either.

Now that you've perceived these
secrets of the human heart,

I shall wish you
a good night.

I think
you k*lled him, sir.

It was just a thought.

You're a very thoughtful
person, Lieutenant.

I've asked you a lot of
questions, Mr. Blake.

And I'm sorry to say

your answers have not been
strictly truthful.

Been reading my mind again?

No, sir, I've been reading an
old State Department report,

about how life was going for
an American and an Englishman

in a Ugandan prison.

Would that be you
and Mr. Dyson, sir?

And if I told you that Mr.
Dyson sold you out

to get himself
out of prison,

would you call that
a strong motive for m*rder?

Would you agree with that
as a motive, sir?

You'd make a bizarre
executioner, Lieutenant.

You'd ask the condemned man
if he agreed with the rope.

Well, sir, we don't
have you condemned yet.

Even if we consider this.

A cartridge?

A cartridge.

Like the one I found here
the other day.

And I thought
maybe the m*rder*r left it.

Maybe when he decided to k*ll Mr.
Dyson with the guillotine

to make it look like an accident
instead of sh**ting him.

All that from a cartridge?

Well, this is
where I found it.

And then, after you
came here to help me,

the cartridge was gone.

That was very good the way
you palmed it, Mr. Blake.

I wish I could
learn to do that.

And finally,
there's the guillotine.

Do you mind, sir?

How hideous and beautiful.

Fantastic effect.

And I couldn't figure out
how it worked,

and nobody
would tell me.

So I had to try
and figure it out myself.

Do you mind, sir?

And I had to keep
telling myself it's a trick.

So I could think about it
as a trick.

And I finally figured out the trick
is right there in the collar.

Where it's marked
safe and danger.

Maybe another blade
in there,

the safe blade.

Am I warm, sir?

What a pity
Max isn't with us.

You could have asked him.

I don't think
he would've told me.

Mr. Blake, would you mind
fitting that collar over me,

the safe way?

Are you sure you trust
me, Lieutenant?

Why not, sir?
You're a magician.

And the case
I have against you,

well, I have to admit,
it's not much of a case.

Then it's my pleasure.

You were saying, Lieutenant,
about your case?

All I have is motives, some
lies, the missing cartridge.

No, sir, I'd need at least
one more piece of evidence.

And if I know you, sir, you're
not gonna give it to me.

But I'm gonna keep trying
to convict you, Mr. Blake.

Because you did m*rder
Mr. Dyson.

It was you
who k*lled him, sir.

That's something
we both have to face.

Not a doubt in the world.

No doubt at all.

Just a matter of time.

No, there is no time,
Lieutenant.

Time is just a magic trick.

And that, sir,
is the last piece of evidence.

It's the labels, sir.

Safe and danger.

I have to admit I was
very cynical, Mr. Blake.

I reversed the labels.

You seem very startled.

Is it something I've done?

It's like hiccups, sir.

Sometimes, it takes a shock
to bring you out of it.

You're under arrest
for the crime of m*rder.

And I'll have to
apply the penalty, sir.