08x02 - m*rder, Smoke and Shadows

[bunniefuu]

You okay, Alex?

If I was any better,
I'd be unbearable.

What do we got, Stanley?

Three-dimensional magic.

Show me.

Lights, maestro.

Set?
Yep.

Hit it.

Ruthie?

She volunteered.

Yeah. Well, she's
a volunteering kind of girl.

Okay, pan the projector.

(GROANS)

About degrees off axis,
and there she goes.

Well, I guess we're not ready
to thrill the audience

with Ruth Jernigan
in holographic glorious -D.

Stan, go in there
and look nice for me.

Okay, now act
for me, Stan.

It's windy.
It's cold, it's windy.

A big storm coming.
Lightning!

(SHIVERING)

Good thing
you're not an actor, Stan.

All right, babes,
that's enough. Thanks.

TOUR GUIDE: and as we move
around the corner,

on our right you'll see
our own house of magic,

where our directors truly make
the impossible come true.

The special effects building.

We just might pop in there later on, and
continue this tour all the way to Mars.

Oh, and coming out over there right
on cue for us, ladies and gentlemen,

that fellow there is the
master of special effects.

That's the young man
who's made more super hits

than any director in Hollywood
history, Alex Brady.

And here he comes,
riding on his little cart.

Hi, Alex!

(ALL GREETING ALEX)

Next, we'll go around the corner
and come to our Western town.

Actually, it's more like six Western
towns all rolled into one.

The reason we bring all the
streets together here is...

(CLAPS HANDS)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)

Alex?

Alex?

Lennie.

Lennie! You come to town, you don't
call, you don't let me know? Huh?

How are you?
Oh, God!

Wait a minute, you did
call, about two days ago.

My secretary said you were on the phone.
I picked it up and you weren't there.

What, are you
playing tricks?

Well, I just wanted to see if you'd be here.
I guess I was a little nervous.

What are you
nervous about?

Let me look at you!
You look great. Took off a few.

So what are you
doing in town?

Are you still
living in Albany?

Oh, yeah, still Albany.
Still working in the men's store.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, boy. You know, I figured
you'd have an office like this.

Office? This isn't my office, this is
just a little goof-off place, you know?

Yeah, talented Alex.
Smart, smart Alex.

Stop.

Still just one of the fellows.

The three of us
goofing around old L.A.

You and me
and Buddy Coates.

So, what are you doing in town?
How long you gonna be here for?

Well, just a day.
Yeah, I ducked my job for the day.

In this morning, out tonight.
Oh, quick trip?

Oh, yeah.
Took that studio tour.

Sort of jumped ship
when I saw you.

Can I see...

That's nothing, just some special
effects we're building here. Come on.

Look at that.

Hmm?

Poor Buddy's dead.

Buddy Coates?
Mmm.

How?

It was last week. Hepatitis.
I'd see him once in a while.

Yeah, we were
a hard luck bunch, hmm?

First my sister Jenny,
and then Buddy.

Jenny was a long time ago.

Not so long. A year
behind us in school, right?

Right after you had your
good luck with Mr. Marosco.

He gave you
your first job.

Hey, come on. We'll drink a soda to Buddy.
What was his favorite?

Chocolate. Chocolate.
Chocolate. Right. Right.

I got chocolate.

Can we drink to Jenny, too?

Sure. Sure,
ice cream sodas all around.

Sit down.

Do you remember how we were helping you
with that little amateur film of yours?

You know,
to finish it up?

I was working at the
market that Sunday,

keeping up the payments
on my motorcycle.

You wanted Jenny to ride it in the
picture, and she was scared of it.

I said, "No way."
We dropped the whole thing.

And you and Buddy,

your second cameraman...

Remember how you got him hooked
on film there for a while?

Yeah. Buddy should've
stayed with it.

Yeah, well,
there's you and Buddy,

and you're waiting for her
to show up at the location,

but she never got there.

That accident
with the cycle.

She's bleeding to death
until somebody finds her.

Too late for the paramedics.
She dies in the ambulance.

Hey, come on. Come on, Lennie.
Don't lacerate yourself.

"Lacerate"?

Oh, yeah. You always knew
just the right word.

To Buddy.

To Jenny.

You know, last day with Buddy,
he gave me a package.

He asked me not to look at it
until he was no longer with us.

And it was a...

It was a little reel
of -millimeter film,

you know,
like you used to use.

So, I had it
made up bigger,

into -millimeter,
kind of like you use now.

So.

Can we see it
on that thing?

Sure.

(INAUDIBLE)

FISHER: I, uh,

think she got there
all right, Alex.

Yeah, she got to you, and
to Buddy, and to your film.

There was no accident along the way.
Your stunt went out of control.

She was bleeding to death,
and you... You left her.

You just left her there,
you didn't try to help.

You ran away,
and you left her to die.

Alex, was that
because of Mr. Marosco?

Because you were afraid your wonderful
new good luck would run out

if he ever found out
what you did to her?

'Cause I tell you,
I choked on it, Alex.

I...

I couldn't tell anyone,
not until I could face you.

Lennie...

And I'm glad that you're
such a terrific success.

That I am. I'm glad
you got everything you got,

because I'm gonna turn
it all into garbage.

You bastard, Alex, I'll...

I'll ram that picture into every scandal
sheet and every newspaper. Okay?

I'll see... I'll see
that film on every...

On every TV news show,
until you choke on it, too.

It isn't true, Lennie...

No! And the cops, and
the prosecutors. Okay?

Until you climb
into your grave

like it's someone in one of your
new fancy sports cars, Alex!

That's what I came here
to tell you!

Len, it isn't real!

I don't know
what Buddy was doing.

When did he start playing
tricks with film? What?

It's a fake! A phony!
Look, it's...

It's all
tricked out.

What was he,
jealous?

What, was he crazy because I
made a life and he didn't? Huh?

Look. Look at it, Len.
Look. Look.

You see? Look, you can...

(STAMMERING) It's...
You can see the matte line.

It's not even real here.
It's not even one piece of film.

Any technician
could read that.

Look at
the generational grain!

Alex, look,
I don't see anything.

I'll show it to you.
Give me the film...

No. No. No. No!
Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Lennie, Lennie.
Lennie!

Lennie, for God's sake,
we were friends.

What is Buddy trying
to do to us, hmm?

Look, sit down, relax.

Do you... Do you really think I
could have done this to Jenny?

Hmm?

All right,
I'll tell you what.

Give me a few hours.

You wait here for me.

I gotta go get some other equipment
together, other experts.

And then I'll show you
it's a fake.

And then you'll understand

whatever there is to
understand about poor Buddy.

All right? Just...
Just give me a few hours.

Alex, I'm...
I'm keeping the film.

Fine, fine, fine.

And I got a plane
at : , okay?

I gotta be
in the store tomorrow.

I will put you on that plane
myself, I promise.

And you'll give me
a hug goodbye.

In the meantime, just make yourself comfortable.
Everything you need is here.

Hey, Lennie, Lennie,
Lennie, trust me.

Hello, Rose.
You're fired.

Excuse me, Alex?

I said, it's time to go home, Rose.
Thanks for a great day.

Say it again.
Why?

I like to hear it.

Mr. Marosco
called you twice.

He's anxious
to talk with you.

Tell him tomorrow.
I haven't got time now.

What's this call here?

Oh, he's that nice production
manager you used to work with.

You called him
"The Professor."

I said you'd
call him back.

Rose, couldn't you have
told him something else?

Should I have told him
he's too old, Alex?

Hey, give me
a break, huh?

Alex,

Ruth Jernigan
is waiting for you.

How long?

Not long. Ten minutes.

And Phil Crossette
is here.

Ah, Phil.

I won't keep you
a minute, Mr. Brady.

That little job I did for you the other
day, everything work out all right?

Yeah, Phil, fine. Yeah?
Was the performance okay?

The performance
was very good.

We get the next picture rolling,
I'll show you my appreciation.

Well, you know, there is
no part that is too small.

I mean, anything I can do to
help you out, maestro, huh?

Okay.
Thank you, huh?

Good night.

Good night, Phil.

I've been posing here
for you.

You wanna try for laughs?

Try a little kick
with your upstage foot.

How's that for laughs?

I could use a lot
of that, Ruthie.

You used to use
a lot of that,

before I went to work
as your leading lady.

And while you were working,
I seem to have heard something

how you went and got yourself
a new boyfriend.

Just a couple
of playful actors,

and right on
my very own picture.

Maybe the movie was our trouble,
Herr Doktor Direktor.

I seem to have
slipped your mind.

Just your actress while you
made your very own picture.

Can I confess, Alex?
Even murderers are allowed to confess.

I've gotta do something
about you and me, babe.

Now?

Now I've got other things
to think about.

Well, slip me in
when you can.

"Exit pursued by a bear."

Shakespeare wrote that.

Davy, this is Alex Brady.

I need a wet-down
on Brownstone.

In about an hour.

I'm not running a debate here, Davy.
Just find your man and do it.

Thanks for waiting.

What was I gonna do,
go dancing?

You got the film?

Good.

Come on, they're
waiting for us.

We just got
one stop to make.

I don't
believe this, Alex.

I know. You will.

Brownstone Street.

What for?
Why did you bring me here?

To see this street.

This is where
we make movies.

Shadows on
the handy-dandy screen.

This is where
we kid you with illusion.

This is where we
blow your reality, Lennie!

This is where
I k*ll you, Lennie.

Hey! Come on!

Come on! We could never hurt
each other, you and me.

The film,

it's the truth, isn't it?

What the hell do you
know about truth?

What's shadow?
What's substance?

They teach you about that
in the men's store, Lennie?

You're crazy!
(TAUNTING) Better run, Lennie!

Escape, escape!

You know, Len,
that film...

You hurt me, old friend.

You hurt an old friend.

And that hurts me

(THUDDING)
right here.

Hey, it's all an act! Don't you know an act?
I'm acting for you!

(GASPS) Here we go, Len!
Illusion all the way.

Into the maelstrom.

"Into the Valley of Death
rode the six hundred."

It's all fake, Len.

There's no valley.

There's no gallant
six hundred.

Death is the only part
that's real.

Who's the real illusion, Len?
You or me?

Which one of us
is going to die?

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

Everything okay, Alex?

Everything's peachy keen.

Good night, Scotty.
Good night, sir.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

(MODEL TRAIN RACING LOUDLY)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

(CROSSING BELL CLANGING)

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

I'm sorry, I guess one of us
must be in the wrong place.

Oh, that will be me, Mr. Brady.
I certainly know who you are.

I'm sorry, but in this whole studio,
this whole wonderful place,

this was the treasure that caught my eye.
This certainly is a beauty.

I'm with the police, sir.
Lieutenant Columbo.

Homicide.

Miss Walker,
your secretary, sir,

she told me to wait here
while she tried to find you.

How did you know?

Know what, sir?

You are the answer
to a filmmaker's prayers.

(CHUCKLES)

In my business,
the film business,

we're always working
with the same people,

over and over,
and we never, hardly ever,

break out of our own
self-centered little circle.

But to meet somebody
wonderfully new,

an authentic plumber,
a real chemist,

or praise God,
a homicide lieutenant!

You know, it's funny, I've been thinking
about making a detective movie.

You know, I would like
to take this straw

and stick it
in your ear,

and extract everything you've
ever thought or felt or seen,

or even dreamed
about your profession.

And I bless whatever it is
that brought you here to me!

Oh, here, sit down,
Lieutenant, please sit down.

I'm interested to hear
anything you wanna tell me.

Well, Mr. Brady, that is as fine a
greeting as I've ever received.

Mostly, when
a policeman shows up,

people right away, they get
all guarded and queasy.

But you, sir, you certainly made
me feel very warm and welcome.

What I came
to see you about, sir,

that's about an unidentified
body on the beach.

What they call
a John Doe. Uh...

Do you mind
if I stand, sir?

Sure, Lieutenant.
Let me help.

Here, why don't we
try it over here?

So what's with this
John Doe at the beach?

Identity unknown, sir.

An unidentified body found at
the beach early this morning.

Wait, try this for
comfort, Lieutenant.

Try stretching out on it.
It's a water bed.

You know, I've never
tried one of these.

My wife,
that's Mrs. Columbo,

she tried
to get me interested.

Well? How
do you like it?

Well, to tell you the truth
sir, it feels all swimmy.

Makes me wonder
what Mrs. Columbo had in mind.

I know how strange
it is, sir,

my coming to you
about this John Doe,

but if you'll
just bear with me.

You see, the victim's
face, Mr. Brady...

Uh...

I hate to say it right out
like this, but he had no face.

Like he was struck by a heavy
blow, like from a hammer.

And his death
by electrocution, sir...

I'd say about your age.
Electrocuted by a very high voltage.

Oh, blew out
his whole nervous system.

Lightning.
Well, I'm afraid not, sir.

You see, the weather boys, they
say rain but no lightning.

High tension lines
at the beach?

Oh, that certainly
would help explain it, sir,

but no electricity near the
body, no electricity at all.

This is...

Is a really
very interesting bed,

and, uh, I certainly
enjoyed the experience.

And we can't even get any fingerprints.
Hands all b*rned.

Like he was grabbing on to
something when it happened.

And his pockets, empty.
All turned out and empty, sir.

So you see, we got
a very real problem here:

How to identify him, sir, how
to give him a name, and a life.

Then maybe we could
deal with how he d*ed.

Which brings me
to you, sir,

and this.

The Films of Alex Brady.

We found it near the body,
up on the road.

Maybe somebody dropped it,

or maybe it fell
from the victim's pocket,

like if somebody was carrying
the body, like from a car.

Or maybe it had nothing
whatsoever to do with the m*rder.

So you think
it was m*rder?

Well, I expect it was
something like m*rder.

It would have been
a very strange electrocution

if the victim got up
and turned his pockets out,

and then took hisself to the beach
and hit hisself in the face,

if you get my drift, sir.

(CHUCKLING) I get your
drift, Lieutenant.

But what I don't understand
is how I can help you.

I mean, there must be thousands of
copies of that book all over the world.

I even have one myself.

See?

Well, it's not just
the book, Mr. Brady,

it's what's
inside this book.

Inside the cover.

Over by the light,
please?

It's damp from the rain,
but you can still read it.

Written in pencil.

It's the telephone number of the
studio, with the area code.

Do you see that, sir?
Yes, I see that.

And written under
the studio number,

the telephone number
of your office, Mr. Brady.

Your direct-dial number,

if somebody wants to reach you without
going through the switchboard.

Do you see it?

It's like somebody had
found out your number,

then written it here
so that they could call you.

Yeah, that's...
That's clear enough, Lieutenant.

Did somebody call you?

You mean somebody without a face,
electrocuted, whose name we don't know?

Well, now that you put it that way,
it's not much of a question, is it?

But we wouldn't be doing our jobs if we
didn't check out every little detail.

Any kind of
a strange call at all, sir?

Maybe somebody
you didn't even know?

Yes.

Yes?

Lots of calls
from the unknown.

Books like that are mostly published
for amateurs, Lieutenant.

Film buffs, dreamers,

people living their lives through some
filmmaker they think they understand,

or who might even
understand them.

Some of them have
a crazy idea for a movie,

others have even
scratched down a script,

but most of them are just
enthusiastically fantasizing.

And they call.

Where did I begin? How did I get started?
How can they get started?

"Tell me the secret.
Show me the way."

And they're sweet,
or desperate, or sad,

and they do call me

and everybody else
in our line of work.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
I guess I'm just no help. No help at all.

Well, sir, I can't say I'm surprised,
and now I'll be running along.

Good day, ma'am.
You can almost reach out and touch her.

Would you like to?

That's holographic film.
Guaranteed three-dimensional.

But it's just
a piece of film, sir.

Oh, Lieutenant!

We could say that about
everything we do around here.

"Just a piece of film."
But is the film real?

Well, the film is real, but the
pictures that are on the film...

The images,
are they any less real?

No, no, no, Mr. Brady. You're gonna run
circles around me if we go on like this.

I'm afraid I've taken up
enough of your time,

so I'm just gonna say
thank you very, very much,

and I won't be
troubling you again.

No trouble at all, Lieutenant.
No trouble at all.

Take care.

(SIGHS)

Excuse me, sir,
just one more thing.

Were you serious about making a detective
movie based on a character like me?

Are you gonna help me,
Lieutenant?

Well, that's the problem.
And don't get me wrong, I would be thrilled.

But I gotta be honest with you,
sir, the kind of work I do,

I don't think it's as
interesting as you think it is.

It's just not exciting,
Mr. Brady.

It's not
like in the movies.

I mean, the things
that I work with,

I don't think that they would
be interesting to an audience.

But if I'm wrong,
you correct me.

But, for instance,

take these ice cream
soda glasses.

If I'm on a homicide case,
sir, forgive me,

and I had to work
with these glasses,

well, then I have to find
these two glasses interesting.

But you, sir, for your
movie, you can't...

No, I'm already interested,
Lieutenant.

Well, then
I'd have to say

that you used
all this recently.

Two ice cream soda glasses,
straws, spoons...

I'd say chocolate, sir.

Chocolate syrup
and vanilla ice cream.

What we used to call
a black and white.

And the way the cream has hardened along
the rim, I'd say maybe this morning,

but you wouldn't use
ice cream in the morning,

so I'd say maybe
sometime yesterday.

So if I was gonna try to make it
even more interesting for you, sir,

I'd have to say the two of you were enjoying
two black and white ice cream sodas.

But not really
enjoying them,

because one is hardly touched, and
the other one is only half-finished.

So you might have
been interrupted,

or maybe the two of you
were very busy together,

or maybe something
upset the both of you,

and you just
left them there.

As to who that other
person might have been,

I'd say it's probably a man.
No lipstick marks.

And as for the rest,
Mr. Brady,

well, we'd have to go
to the fingerprints.

But I don't think
we have to go that far, sir.

I told you, you're
gonna be disappointed.

Disappointed?
Are you kidding, Lieutenant?

Why, that's not only interesting,
that is fascinating, Lieutenant.

Well, I think
you're just being kind.

But I really
have to run now, sir.

I'll try not to keep
you, Lieutenant.

Take care, now.

(GLASS BREAKS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Was I right, sir?

About the soda glasses?

Close enough, Lieutenant.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Ma'am?

ROSE: I'm standing here
with a printout in my hand.

I got charges
in black and white.

Ma'am?

No chance, Cecil.
He wouldn't order it without telling me.

He should have told me before he ordered
it, but he would have told me after.

I said if he didn't
tell me before.

Well, if you have to put
something in your computer,

I can't think of
a better place to insert it.

Are you an inspector?

Uh, no, ma'am, just a lieutenant.
They don't have inspectors anymore.

I wanted to thank you,
ma'am.

Mr. Brady and I, we did find each
other in his secret hangout.

You mean the Boys' Club.
The Boys' Club for one boy.

If you were an inspector, you
could help me inspect this desk.

I'm looking for
a ten-ton water truck.

On your desk, ma'am?
A note or something.

They claim he ordered
a water truck

to wet down the brownstone
street last night.

And now their wacko computer is
charging our wacko computer,

and that is
some wacko system.

Why would he order
a water truck?

We don't even sh**t
for another six months.

I'm sure
I wouldn't know, ma'am.

He's very young,
Mr. Brady, isn't he?

The whole damn business
is very young, Inspector.

Uh, Lieutenant, ma'am.

When I was a young policeman,
the inspectors...

Is this a weather report?
Help yourself.

Picture-makers live and
die by the weather.

I always like to check to see if
I'm really gonna need my raincoat.

You know, as I was saying, ma'am,
when I was a young policeman,

the inspectors,
they all seemed very old.

When I was a young secretary, all the great
directors and producers seemed very old.

Now that I'm an old secretary, they
got very young. Film children.

They know every foot
of film ever sh*t,

but they think the most important
date in the history of the world

is their own birthday.

Is there anything more
I can do for you?

Well, I was
just wondering, ma'am,

all those fans of Mr. Brady, those people
who read his books on film and all,

when they call for him here, do you
keep a list of those phone calls?

No. Just the business
and personal ones.

If we did, we'd need another
computer instead of a clipboard.

Right.

Well, that would have been some job,
looking through all those names.

What am I talking about?
I wouldn't even know what name I'd be looking for!

Well, thank you very much,
Miss Walker.

Goodbye, Inspector.

Lieutenant, ma'am.

MAROSCO: You're like an agent,
you read upside down.

What are you finding
on my desk?

Secrets, Mr. Marosco.
Just the secrets you keep from me.

Got a problem,
my boy.

The board.

They're all over me
about a hit for Easter,

and they want your picture.
Easter, not summer.

Oh, gee, no chance, Mr. Marosco.
I can't do it that fast.

It's not the board that's
asking, Alex, it's me.

We're not exactly
strangers, Alex.

I hope we respect each other.
I mean, maybe more than respect.

So can we have it?
Can I have it by Easter?

When do they have to know?

I have to know today.
I got a board meeting.

Just tell them
I'm obstinate.

Wacko, like old Rosie says.

That way,
they can't do anything.

Just say you can't do
anything with me.

That way, we're both covered.
Blame me.

What are they gonna do to you?
They can't lay a glove on you.

This is for you.

You're a generous
young man, Alex.

Look, I gotta get back
to work, Mr. Marosco.

Hey, you know how to handle them, boss.
You always did.

(FEMALE DISPATCHER CHATTERING
ON POLICE RADIO)

Here's his belt,
Lieutenant.

Oh! His belt!

Just an ordinary belt?

Yeah, it's ordinary.

Ordinary belt.

When do I get
to open my eyes?

ALEX: When I say so.

Oh, who was that man
in your office last night?

What man?

Oh, that guy.
He's Phil Crossette.

Yeah, who is he?

Oh, he's just
a friend of mine.

I think I've
seen him before.

It could be.
He's an actor.

He's a bit player.
You might've seen him around a lot.

No, I don't mean like that.
I think I've seen him someplace real.

What comes
after Saturday?

Sunday.

Okay, you can
open your eyes.

Oh, Alex.

Oh, Ruthie.

So, you ever gonna find
true love, Andy Hardy?

I thought I finally did.

Ouch. No fair.

So tell me
about your actor.

He's your actor.
Your movie.

And I was drowning.
I was scared stiff of working for you.

And I was wigwagging
all over the place.

You know, "Help me. Hold me.
Kiss me. Save me."

But you were too busy counting
your, uh, sprocket holes.

The picture hadn't even
started yet when I met Brian.

I met him by accident,
my leading-man-to-be,

and then, uh,

we had
a punishing love affair.

Who got punished?

It was supposed to be you.
Mmm.

Worked out it was me.

So, did you miss me?

I mean on balance.

Yes.

How much?

How much do you want?

Just bat
your eyelashes.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Perfect. Perfect.

I'll be right back.

It's been a
splendid day, sir.

It's been
a terrific day.

Very good news.

I thought you might be interested
in sharing it with me.

Lieutenant Columbo.
Come on in.

Lieutenant, this is
my friend, Ruth Jernigan.

Ruth Jernigan,
Lieutenant Columbo.

I've been hearing
about you, Lieutenant.

Well, I've certainly heard a lot about
you, Miss Jernigan, about your movies.

It's a very great
pleasure.

I hope
I'm not intruding.

No. No.
No. No. Not at all.

I'm sure you and Alex
have important business.

Well, it is
important, ma'am.

Mmm-hmm.

Remember me, kiddo.

Bye.
Night, Lieutenant.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

So, is our business
important, Lieutenant?

Well, I'm gonna leave that
up to you, Mr. Brady.

I brought you
some terrific news.

Ah, about our John Doe.

Well, he's not
a John Doe anymore.

We know exactly who he is.

In one day, Lieutenant?

I told you,
it's been a terrific day.

He was wearing

this.

His belt?

His belt, sir.

What do you think
of that belt?

You're thinking that's not a very
interesting item to use in a movie.

But suppose
I show you this, sir.

This fold
on the inside of the belt.

Does that help
give me your attention, sir?

You have my attention,
Lieutenant.

And the zipper, sir,
underneath the flap.

Do you see that zipper?

That's what tells us
this is a money belt.

People take trips, and sometimes
they hide money in a belt like this,

in a secret compartment.

Are you
interested yet, sir?

I mean, for something
you might use in your movie.

We're not making
a movie, Lieutenant,

so why don't we just stick to our
John Doe and his remarkable belt?

Would you just
open the zipper, sir?

You see, there's
a secret pocket there.

Why don't we see
what's in the pocket?

That is, if you're still
interested, sir.

It seems to be
a traveler's check.

That's exactly
what it is.

The victim was
a very careful man.

He hid a traveler's check
in his money belt.

A $
traveler's check.

You see that, sir?

And these numbers
that are printed here,

would your audience find
these numbers exciting, sir?

Because to a detective,
these numbers...

Well, they're thrilling.

When I look at them,
I don't see numbers.

I see a neon sign blinking
a name and address,

because these special
numbers, what they do is,

they connect this check

to the buyer's name
and address.

That's an absolute
fact, sir.

That's how we
identified John Doe.

And who was it,
Lieutenant?

Who was who?

Oh, you mean
the John Doe.

Here, I...

Wait a minute. No...
No... Laundry list...

Oh, I gotta pay that.
Bear with me, sir.

Fisher.
Leonard Fisher.

That was his name.
He lives in Albany.

At least he used to live in
Albany until he was electrocuted.

Are you sure?
Leonard Fisher?

Oh, very sure, sir. The Albany police
people, they've been very cooperative.

They even faxed us
his driver's license photo.

Here.

I think it's here.

There.

I know this man,
Lieutenant.

You do?

I don't understand.

Lennie... We, um,

we grew up together.
We loved each other.

I can't...

Lennie's was the body
you found?

What a remarkable
coincidence, sir.

You actually knew him?

Coincidence is what makes
a story, Lieutenant.

Without coincidence,
life runs evenly,

like a train on a track.

Coincidence
is a train wreck.

(VOICE CRACKING) v*olence
and suffering and guilt.

Guilt, sir?

Lennie's sister Jenny

(SNIFFLING) was k*lled
about ten years ago,

in a freak accident.

She was on her way
to meet me.

(STIFLING SOB)
Me!

No me, no accident,
no dead Jenny.

(SNIFFLES)

And now Lennie, too.

What was he doing in Los Angeles?
Why didn't he call me?

When was the last time
you saw him, sir?

About three years ago.

Uh,

it was with another
friend of ours, Buddy.

Jenny's dead,
now Lennie's m*rder*d.

That leaves me.

Um,

I'm, uh...

I'm gonna have to excuse myself,
Lieutenant, if you don't mind.

I'm afraid
I'm not fit company.

I understand, sir.

It must be
a terrible shock.

Is there anything else
I can do?

Well, there is
something, sir.

Tell me.

Maybe not, sir. Maybe some other time.
Not under these circumstances.

They're my circumstances,
Lieutenant, not yours.

Go ahead and ask.

Is it all right if I make
myself an ice cream soda?

Of course, Lieutenant.

Thank you, sir.

Good night, Lieutenant.

Uh, good night, sir.

(WHISTLING)

Scoop.

(SODA MACHINE GURGLING)

(SLURPING)

(MEN CHATTERING)

Yo, Stanley! Yo!
Where's the water truck?

Coming at a dead run, Alex!

What do you want?
You want food?

You just ate.

All right, here.
Here's a bone.

That's your third one this morning.
That's too many snacks.

Soon you're gonna be big
like a dirigible.

You won't be able
to fit in the car.

I'll be right back.

(WHIMPERS)

Stanley!
More wind, less fog!

Mr. Brady!

Okay, now move that rigger
over to the right!

Mr. Brady, sir!

That's good!

Mr. Brady! It's me,
Lieutenant Columbo!

I'm afraid I'm a bit busy right
now up here, Lieutenant.

I got the clippings!

You got the what?

Clippings, sir!
Newspaper clippings!

I'll be right down,
Lieutenant.

You just take your time, sir!
I'll just wait here!

I don't wanna interfere.
I know you're busy.

What clippings,
Lieutenant?

Oh, at the office, sir.
Just part of my investigation.

All the clippings from that motorcycle
accident with Mr. Fisher's sister.

You and your friend Buddy Coates,
you had no reason to feel guilty.

I just had
to say that, sir.

It makes me feel better,
Mr. Brady.

k*ll the smoke, Frank.

That accident, it's all the motorcycle.
You had nothing to do with that.

It would've been different if she was
working on your film, but she wasn't.

So there's no reason for guilt, Mr.
Brady. There was nothing you could do.

Could I sit here?

I mean,
when you go back up?

Your work
is so interesting, sir.

As you said about your
work, Lieutenant,

I'm sure mine isn't as
interesting as you think it is.

Just a few minutes, sir. It's sort of
like turnabout, your work for my work.

I'd be very quiet.

All right, Lieutenant,
hop on up.

I really appreciate this, sir.
Thank you very much.

Buckle up.

Okay, arm me up,
fellows.

This is called
a Titan crane, Lieutenant.

Don't feel you
have to talk, sir.

Just concentrate
on your work.

Does the height
bother you?

Uh, no, no,
hardly at all.

I don't
hardly mind.

We're just having a look at this for
about seconds in a dream sequence.

Wind whipping around the fog,
slick wet streets...

Arm us left, fellows.

It'll look very real
in its own way.

Film makes
its own reality.

Arm us to the right!
Down and right!

I'm not sure whether we'll sh**t
this day or night, though.

No, back up to the left,
fellows, back up to the left!

Is that why you ordered the water
truck the other night, sir? To, uh,

wet down the streets?

Your secretary, she was
very upset about that,

your forgetting
to tell her.

Yeah, well Rosie gets upset about
paper clips these days, Lieutenant.

And we don't make
allowances for age.

Down and right!

I gotta get back to
my stage, Lieutenant.

I'm glad you
enjoyed the ride.

Oh, I think I did, sir.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(BANGING)

ALEX: Awful dead
in there, Stan.

STAN: Let me
try something.

That any better, Alex?

Not bad.
Got any sand?

For sand, I'd need
a bigger wind machine.

Okay, strike
the window.

You got it.

COLUMBO:
Mr. Brady? Sir?

What are you doing
in my desert, Lieutenant?

I was looking
for you, sir.

I think I came in
the wrong way.

(ZAPPING)

(EXCLAIMING SOFTLY)

(CHUCKLING)
This is very strange, sir.

(STORM RAGING)

(EXCLAIMS)

It's a good thing
I wore my raincoat!

I think you better
get me out of here, sir.

Stanley, why don't you help down Lieutenant Columbo?
He seems to be a bit lost.

I got it. Thanks.

You be all right
for a while, Alex?

Sure. Sure,
go ahead, Stanley.

That was a very
eerie feeling, sir.

For a moment there, I didn't
know where I was anymore.

And where were you when you knew
where you were, Lieutenant?

Oh, I was in the middle
of my work, sir,

thinking about
your friend Len Fisher,

he being here
in L.A. and all.

Can you think of any reason why he
wouldn't get in touch with you?

No, I can't.

It's funny, I've been
troubled by that myself.

Could he have been angry with
you about something, sir?

How would I know,
Lieutenant?

Right. How would you
know about such a thing

if you hadn't seen him
or spoken with him?

You'll pardon all
the questions, sir.

Ask and listen,
listen and ask.

That's all we got
to work with.

It's really not a very
interesting line of work.

Not nearly as fascinating
as yours, Mr. Brady.

Oh, I don't know.

A moment ago you were lost
in the shadows.

Shadows on a screen.

Light and shadow,
shadow and light.

That's all
we have to work with.

For instance,
what is that over there?

That looks like a big
black picket fence, sir.

Right.
And what about that up there?

Yo, Wagner!

A spotlight, Mr. Brady?

A spotlight.

Now, let's see what happens when
we mix the light with the fence.

Wagner!

Light and shadow,
Lieutenant.

Am I trapped
behind the fence?

Or are you?

Or are we trapping
each other?

Shall we?

Why don't we try to escape
from all this, Lieutenant?

Well, it should be
easy to find a way out.

Not if we reverse
the action.

See? We're still locked
with each other.

Now our film's making
its own reality,

and there's no end
to the fence.

We could always just back
away from each other, sir.

Back away
and you lose your light.

Without light, you die.
Your picture dies.

And you've lost your
m*rder case, Lieutenant.

You've left the world of your
own reality, Lieutenant.

Now you're in my world.

Now you're living in my reality,
and you've lost your substance.

You're a shadow
on my screen.

An illusion
without reality, sir?

But I think
I'm very real.

What's real
and what isn't?

We do our tricks
with smoke and mirrors.

The mirrors are real,
so is the smoke.

But is the fence real,
Lieutenant?

Oh, I'm pretty sure
about that, sir.

Clouds of atomic particles fly through
empty space, pretending to be a fence,

and you call that
reality?

As real as you are,
Mr. Brady.

Right.
Now you understand.

I'm the substance,
and you're the shadow.

I created you,

and I can destroy you.

I could vanish you
with a word.

What word is that, sir?

k*ll!

Remarkable, sir.

Just an exercise.

"Just an exercise."

Sometimes I think that's the way
my investigation is going, sir.

Well, mine was just
theatrical tricks, Lieutenant.

Not in the same league
as pursuing a m*rder case.

Well, now we're back to the
same problem, Mr. Brady.

You wanna make a movie
about a detective.

Now, in this particular m*rder case, the
victim's belt and the traveler's check,

you might say that was
interesting, even theatrical.

But now I'm dealing
with shoes.

This evidence, uh,

came off
the victim's feet.

Well, you judge.

Would you find
anything interesting there?

Would I find this
interesting?

No.

Just a shoe.

Just a shoe.

Just by looking at it, I could
tell it was a cheap shoe,

and I guessed it was made
in Portugal, but who cares?

Portugal. Right.

Here's another shoe.

No heel.

No heel.

Not much,
but better than nothing.

A missing Portuguese heel.

Well, it's not uninteresting,
Lieutenant.

And the question, "What
happened to the missing heel?"

Now, that question...
Yes?

Yes?
Yes, I see.

That question might get
the audience's attention.

Do you agree?
Definitely.

The audience would be
right with us.

What made the heel
come off?

Could you discover that
just by using your eyes?

What do you think?

I don't know.

Well, you can't!

You also gotta
touch it.

It's sticky.

Yes. Yes, it is.

It is sticky.

Probably where
the electricity came out.

The electricity
blew off the heel.

But you already knew
your victim was electrocuted.

So all these
deductions of yours,

they don't really represent
any real progress.

Oh, no, sir, no.

It's not like it helps you
solve your m*rder case.

Oh, no, no. That would really
be exciting for both of us.

Have you on the edge
of your seat!

Oh, sir, what you see,
that's what you get.

Okay, sir.
Well, that's the best I could do.

I know you're busy.
I'll let you go back to work.

But don't give up
on this case, Mr. Brady.

Who knows what
tomorrow will bring?

Maybe we'll make
some real progress.

Well, I'll keep my fingers
crossed, Lieutenant.

Good day, sir.
Good day.

Just take a second, sir.
You'll get a kick out of this.

I'm walking around
on the brownstone street.

Naturally, I got heels
on my mind.

A shoe without a heel, how did the
heel come off, heel this, heel that,

and I stepped on something.

Where did I put it?

You won't believe this, sir.

Oh, here.

It was a heel.

Now, that's one
I'm gonna tell the wife.

Go back to work, sir.
See you soon.

From my bed,

on a clear dawn,

you can see
Catalina.

I know.

Oh.

Can I show you?

It's not dawn yet.

It will be.

Your friend,
Phil Crossette?

The man in your office
the other day?

I remember
where I saw him before.

Is that important?

I think so.

But first I want to tell
you how I met Brian.

I want you to know
our accidental meeting.

Brian.

Terrific.

I was flying home
from New York.

Landed in the rain
about midnight.

No cabs.

My lucky night. This taxi
just showed up out of nowhere.

The driver started to take
me home, out to Encino.

Not my lucky night.
The cab broke down, in the rain.

Something in the engine.

I got soaked
holding the flashlight.

Then his radio
wasn't working, either.

He went to a house, rang
the bell to use the phone.

Turns out
it was Brian's house.

Brain followed him back,

invited me in,
just to dry off.

Two fellow actors.

We found out we were going
to work on the same picture.

Your picture.

We talked for hours.

And then in the morning,
he took me home.

And that's how we met.

(GRUFFLY)
How's that for coincidence?

Do you know who the
cab driver was, Alex?

He was your little bit-player
friend, Phil Crossette.

Pretty good actor.
Did his job very well.

Did you use another actor

to make sure that Brian was
going to be home that night?

What's that
supposed to mean?

It means, Alex, that you're lousy.
You're the lousiest there is.

Ruthie. Hey, Ruthie,
forget it!

Forget it. Whatever happened that
night, whatever you think happened,

we want each other now!

(SCOFFS)

You set us up!

Alex the director,
Alex the master manipulator.

You make your little puppets
dance the dance of love.

You freeze me out, and then
you juggle me a new lover?

What's the big deal?
Everybody got what they wanted.

Brian wanted you.
You wanted to punish me.

And your love scenes
with Brian were excellent,

and that's what I wanted.
That's all I wanted.

So who suffered, Ruthie?
What got lost?

Go to hell, Alex.

(GASPS)

Excuse me.

Miss Jernigan?

Mr. Brady?

Mr. Brady, sir?

(SHARPLY)
Yes?

Excuse me, stopping by your house
like this, Mr. Brady, but, uh,

I got some more news,

and Miss Jernigan, she was just leaving.
She seemed very upset, sir.

She's upset.

I'm upset.

Do we have to do this
now, Lieutenant?

Well, ordinarily, I wouldn't
even trouble you, Mr. Brady,

but I've got some
very encouraging news.

The Albany police, sir, they traced Mr.
Fisher's place of employment.

Menswear store.

Seems he told them he needed a
day off for some dental work.

That's the day
he d*ed here, in L.A.

Uh, sir, I'm expecting
two acquaintances.

Uh, they're coming
in a second car.

Just let me see if they
got the right house.

(EXCLAIMS)

Brought you a candy bar.
Know you got a sweet tooth.

How did he get here?

You mean Mr. Fisher? By plane, sir.
He arrived that morning.

Uh, we traced
the return ticket, sir.

The return...

Right in here, fellows!
This is the house!

Down the stairs!
We're in the living room!

Uh, where was I, sir?

Uh, Len had arrived that morning,
and you traced his return ticket.

A return ticket for :
the same night, sir.

You mean he only planned
on being here for the one day?

Just a day, sir.
I'm sure of it.

I checked
that ticket twice.

In that morning, out that night.
That's one day.

Uh, Mr. Sewell,
Mr. Kardarsian,

Mr. Alex Brady.

Good evening.

How do you do?
How do you do?

Strange.
Isn't it strange?

His coming here
for just one day.

Yes, strange
he didn't call me.

You never heard
from him at all?

No, I told you, Lieutenant
not for three years.

Right, you told me.
Right.

Archie?

Uh, Mr. Sewell,
he's a new detective.

But he's working his way up.

Tell Mr. Brady where you first
encountered Mr. Kardarsian.

That was
on Century Boulevard.

Not at the airport?
No.

I thought it was
at the airport.

Century Boulevard.

That's where you first showed him Mr.
Fisher's picture?

Yes, sir.
And he recognized him.

Uh, Mr. Kardarsian
is a cab driver.

From Iran.
Yes, sir.

I hope things are going
well for you here, sir.

Thank you.

Now, you recognize
this man,

and you remember picking
him up at the airport?

Yes.

Now, Mr. Brady, you're not
gonna believe this.

Do you know where Mr.
Kardarsian took Mr. Fisher?

Lieutenant,
I couldn't possibly know.

Look, I think you better just come out
and tell me what you wanna tell me.

He took him
to the studio, sir.

To your very own studio.

The studio.

I didn't leave him off
at the studio.

I took him
to the Tour Center.

The Tour Center. You mentioned that.
That's my mistake.

The Tour Center.

You know, the Tour Center, where the
visitors come to take the tour.

Yes, I know the Tour
Center, Lieutenant.

What was Len doing
at the Tour Center?

It is, it's strange,
isn't it?

Hard to believe a man would fly
all the way from Albany, New York

just to see the studio,

then fly right back
home again.

Can you think of any reason...
No!

No.

No, it's baffling.

It is.
It's all very puzzling.

Okay...

Uh, Mr. Sewell,
Mr. Kardarsian,

we've taken enough
of Mr. Brady's time.

Don't bother to see us out, sir.
We'll...

I know, it looks like the trail
ends at the Tour Center, sir,

but we've come
a long way.

Don't give up on me yet.
Good night, sir.

Good night, sir.
Nice meeting you.

SEWELL:
Sweet dreams!

SEWELL:
What a house!

KARDARSIAN:
Very nice house, sir.

COLUMBO: Did I tell you
he was a director?

SEWELL: A director?

Yeah, he's a great director.
Oh, yeah?

That's how he got
this house.

What does he do, TV?

Movies.
Movies?

His next movie...

(CAR DOORS CLOSING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello, Phil Crossette.

Phil, this is Alex.

I got another
private job for you.

What kind of part you got in
mind this time, maestro?

Drop by the office
in the morning.

What is it
with this costume?

Always the bridesmaid,
never the bride?

How's your salad?

It's great. You know, there are a
lot of vegetables for a change.

How's yours?

I think I should have
gotten yours.

(CHUCKLES)

Excuse me, ma'am,
the hot sauce?

Pacific Delight.
Delightful.

Uh, excuse me...

It's supposed to be shrimp.
Uh, the mustard?

Yeah, little shrimpy shrimp.
They hide them in the dressing.

No kidding!
Yeah.

I don't see them.
Uh, ma'am...

You gotta hunt.
Ahoy.

Ma'am, the ketchup, please?
Oh, there's another one.

Excuse me.
You know something?

I think I'm gonna become a vegetarian.
I'm really tired of eating meat.

Oh! Did you see
the paper this morning?

No. I overslept.

Uh, ladies...

Oh. Oh, my God, what a story.
Excuse me, would you ladies...

What was that?
Would you like to change places?

Thank you.

Thanks.
What was that?

They found this dead guy
on the beach. Len Fisher.

Really? Len Fisher,
that name sounds familiar.

He used to live in L.A.
I used to go with him.

You're kidding!
You must feel awful.

Worse. Out of nowhere, I get
this phone call from him.

I don't even know
how he got my number.

You're kidding!
What did he want?

Wait till you
hear this.

He just says
he's up at the Tour Center.

He's waiting for this guy
who never showed up.

He sounds all panicky, and...
Mmm!

Yeah, wait till
you hear why.

He says he has to score
a load of

coke

to take back
to Albany.

He said that? Coke?

Out of nowhere!
Men.

Then he asked me if I knew
anybody for coke.

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

I hung up on him.

Oh, gosh!
We're late again.

The assistant will
have a fit.

Uh, waitress?

Excuse me. Sorry.

Honey!

One for the road.

Excuse me. Ladies?
Excuse me!

Lieutenant Columbo.
I'm with the police.

I couldn't help but
overhearing about the...

Are you an actor?
Oh, no, no, no, ma'am.

Homicide.

Oh, that's all I need is another
pick-up from an out-of-work actor.

Oh, no, please, ma'am, this
is not a pick-up. Please!

Are you bothering
the artistes, pal?

Oh, no, I'm with the police.
Well, this is very nice,

but we got a whole prop
department full of this stuff.

I am really with the police.
I don't think the artistes wanna be bothered.

You know, I think you should call
yourself a casting director.

Okay,
whatever you wanna say...

Because, see, casting directors,
you can talk to them all day long.

Fine!

Mr. Brady!

Mr. Brady, sir!

Lieutenant Columbo!

Yes, Lieutenant.
What is it?

Just wanted to say
goodbye for now, sir.

Bring me down, fellows.

Are you leaving us,
Lieutenant?

Well, it's the case, sir.
It's taken a whole new turn.

Gonna have to spend some time
with the narcotics boys.

So we won't be seeing
each other for a while.

Well, you've got me convinced there's such
a thing as too much reality, Lieutenant.

Excuse me, sir?

You've got me convinced that a real
detective doesn't belong in the movies.

Well, maybe we could talk
about that again.

Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye, Lieutenant.

Goodbye, Lieutenant!

Thank you.

Well, Rose,
where do we begin?

I didn't know we were beginning
anything, except these.

Hmm.

Maybe it's
an ending, then.

For me and you.

It's time to start thinking
about another job, Rose.

Oh. You mean
a new secretary.

Whatever.

Old Rose, young Alex.

Rose too old for Alex,
Alex too young for Rose.

Excuse me.

Here we are.

I think there's something you
ought to know about me, Alex.

I'm still going to
enjoy my lunch.

Alex, did you remember to tell
that nice Lieutenant Columbo

about your phone call
from Len Fisher?

What difference
does that make?

I thought I heard you telling him that you
hadn't heard from your friend Len Fisher.

Not for three years.

But Mr. Fisher
called the other day,

and you picked up the call,
and no one was there.

Remember, Alex?

No.

Thank you.

That's not a very interesting subject, Rose.
Why bring that up?

I remembered his name.
Len Fisher.

My mother's maiden name
was Fisher.

Try your salmon, Alex.
It's very good.

I was checking the old
phone sheets yesterday.

One page was missing.

For the day
Mr. Fisher called.

Did you know
it was missing, Alex?

No.

But if it was missing,

I'm sure that you just
threw it out by mistake, Rose.

You're talking
about leaving?

Finding
another job?

I don't want you
to do that, Rosie.

Oh, I'd never
leave you, Alex.

I was thinking about
a long paid vacation.

Maybe a cruise!
Maybe around the world!

I've always dreamed
about something like that.

But then I'd
come back to you.

What do you think?

Is something wrong
with your salmon, sir?

No. Just take it away.

I think you deserve
a rest, Rose.

Huh!

My treat. For being
a loyal secretary.

I'll have my travel agent
get in touch with you.

You really should have
tried the salmon, Alex.

Alex.

Maybe you have
a minute to join me, Alex.

Sure, Mr. Marosco.

Excuse me.

You see?
I'm playing hooky.

Me and Rita, we're spending the
afternoon with our grandchildren.

You deserve it, Mr.
Marosco. Oh, do I? Yeah?

Did I deserve that answer I
got, asking you for a favor?

My problem with the board?

I know, I know. I'm sorry.
I was a little uptight that day.

I must tell you, Alex,
you hurt me.

I can make it up to you,
Mr. Marosco.

No...

I think I can get that picture
ready for an Easter release...

That won't be necessary, you see,
because I made other arrangements.

They're for you,
too, Alex.

I want to discuss the picture
that you offered us.

What do you mean,
"offered us"?

We have an agreement.

No, no, what we have
is an understanding.

My understanding that you
are to prepare the picture.

And you can take six months, two
years, a lifetime. All the same.

Only day-to-day expenses
will be authorized.

So you can play
your ungrateful games, Alex,

you can perfect
your illusions,

but you got my word:

In the end, your picture

will be the greatest
illusion of all.

I'm gonna see to it
it never gets made. Never.

Mr. Marosco, you can't just
pull the plug like that...

Please. I'm already late
for my grandchildren.

Stan!

Stanley.

Hi, Alex. Got a new effect here.
Haven't even seen it myself.

We're through with effects.
Lock up the stage.

I thought we were gonna look at those plates.
I said lock it up!

Where did this
come from?

COLUMBO: From the boys
at Albany, sir.

Your assistant was kind
enough to put it up for me.

Get out.

I hope you don't mind, sir.
Just a few more questions.

The Albany police, boy, they've
been some terrific help.

They even sent me an inventory of
everything in Mr. Fisher's apartment.

And when I saw that there was
a roll of -millimeter film

hidden among
some groceries...

Well, because of
my new interest in film,

I sent for it, Mr. Brady.

It's just
this tiny reel, sir.

But I had it made up
like this for your screen.

Do you see the screen, sir?

And what do you make
of my screen, Lieutenant?

Well, when I compare it
to the newspaper clippings, sir,

I see Mr. Fisher's sister, and
I see the motorcycle accident.

And I see you there,
too, sir.

So the accident happened
while you were filming,

and you ran away
and left her to die.

At least that's
what the film tells me.

Did Mr. Fisher
ever show you this film?

I told you, I haven't...

Do you mind, Lieutenant?

Not at all, sir.

You seem to have taken over
my stage, Lieutenant.

Invite me to
the first day of sh**ting.

Could Mr. Fisher have
threatened you in any way, sir?

Because he was upset over the
way his sister really d*ed?

Become hostile?
Something like that?

Self-protection.

That's certainly a very
good motive for m*rder.

Remember, I haven't seen or
talked to Lennie for three years.

Are you suggesting
I k*lled him, Lieutenant?

No, sir. All I'm
considering is a motive.

Then if that's all, I have a few
problems of my own to take care of.

Oh, there's more, sir.

For instance,
there's

this.

Your weather report,
Mr. Brady.

The one your secretary
always gets you.

That's for the night
Mr. Fisher was electrocuted.

You see the prediction
for rain, sir?

Yes, I see
the prediction for rain.

But that was the night

that you ordered the
brownstone street washed down.

You wanted to see it wet.

And I had to ask myself
why you did that,

and got charged for it
and all,

when you knew
it was gonna rain.

Can you help me
with that, Mr. Brady?

Because I'm an impatient
man, Lieutenant.

A rain prediction doesn't guarantee a wet street.
A water truck does.

Well, that certainly
explains the truck.

But then there's
Mr. Fisher's shoes.

Over by the light, sir.

You remember
his shoe, sir?

The one
with the missing heel?

It's the heel I found
on your brownstone street,

the street you made sure
was nice and wet.

That would be a very dangerous
place to stand, sir.

I mean, if someone was gripping
onto something with high voltage.

You see
the b*rned heel, sir?

The lab boys say
it's a perfect fit.

Do you believe that's where
Len was k*lled, Lieutenant?

On the brownstone street?

I think it's
a possibility, sir.

And then there's
this book,

your college yearbook, from
the books in your Boys' Club.

I took the liberty, sir.

Those are my bookmarks.

Uh, that'd be your college
picture with Len Fisher,

and I guess
that's Buddy Coates.

And here, sir, from the
class before yours,

here's a picture of Mr.
Fisher's sister Jenny,

the one that d*ed
in the accident.

Is there a point
to all this, Lieutenant?

I guess it has to do with the
way people treat a book.

Some people, they turn down
the corners of the page,

and some people,
they use a bookmark.

My own mother,

she would chop
my hands off

if she ever saw me turning
down the corners of a book,

so I use a bookmark
like these, sir.

What do you use?

I must confess, I'm a
corner-turner, Lieutenant.

Is there a penalty
for that?

Well, whichever way,
it becomes a habit.

And whoever used
this book last,

maybe just to look
from picture to picture,

reminisce about
happier times,

he used a bookmark.

I found this in your
college yearbook,

on the same page as the
photograph of Jenny Fisher.

Maybe you could see it
better over here.

Would you turn out
the lights, sir?

I think
the lab boys...

I think they put this
on the same piece of film.

You see the date
and the time, sir?

The day Mr. Fisher d*ed,

and the time,
minutes after : .

Just two minutes
after Mr. Kardarsian

delivered Mr. Fisher
to the Tour Center.

So we can say that's Mr.
Fisher's ticket, sir, to the studio tour.

And we found the ticket
in your yearbook.

A bookmark.

So Len Fisher had to be
in your Boys' Club

on the day he d*ed,

the day, the night,
you m*rder*d him

by electrocution
on the brownstone street.

I'd say
by that iron gate, sir,

near where I found
the heel.

Do you really think

some underpaid policeman

is going to arrest me

with all that
circumstantial claptrap?

Oh, I almost forgot, sir.

Miss Walker, your secretary?

She's been very helpful.

She helped us with that little
scene in the restaurant today

where you tried to bribe her
with a trip around the world.

I'd say that was
an admission of guilt.

Her testimony is gonna be
very damaging.

I wouldn't count on it,
Lieutenant.

Whatever Rose told you, in the end
it'll be her word against mine.

Well, not exactly, sir.

We do have witnesses.

You see, that little
scene in the restaurant,

that was what
you might call

"staged," sir.

Like your own
little manipulations.

Like the taxi driver that drove
Miss Jernigan that night,

or the two lady extras that were in
the studio commissary yesterday,

when I was having lunch.

They were very good, sir.

But one of them
was a nurse,

and there were no hospital
scenes sh**ting at the studio.

And the other
was a bridesmaid,

and there were no
wedding scenes, either.

So I have to think that they
were your actors, Mr. Brady,

trying to fool me.

Maybe you would like
to see our own actors.

Our witnesses
at the restaurant, sir.

Mr. Wagner!

(CLAPS HANDS)
Sir!

(DRUM ROLL PLAYING O VER PA)

You remember
the busboy?

The part of the busboy
played by Detective Sergeant

Luis Rodriguez!

(FANFARE SOUNDING O VER PA)

(APPLAUSE PLAYING O VER PA)

Another witness, sir,
your luncheon waitress,

(DRUM ROLL)
a role beautifully performed

by Detective Sergeant
Bennington.

(FANFARE SOUNDING)

Next witness, Mr.
Brady, your very own cocktail waitress,

a little hand for your favorite
actress, the popular Ruth Jernigan.

(FANFARE SOUNDING)

(APPLAUSE PLAYING O VER PA)

And then there's me, sir,
playing my own part.

The only thing that's given me any
pleasure in this case, Mr. Brady,

is charging you
with m*rder.

And I must say, sir,

(DRUM ROLL) that's been
a very great pleasure, sir.

(FANFARE SOUNDING)

(APPLAUSE RO ARING O VER PA)