08x04 - Grand Deceptions

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, sir.

Morning, Corporal.
Any word on our toy soldiers?

Not a one, sir. The shop still
insists they've been shipped.

The deed'll never get done
with just the books.

At least I've got them
sorted out.

I'll be out at the camp
until noon.

After that, at the Foundation.
Let me know if the soldiers show up.

Not much of a surprise
for the general,

not if they don't
get here by tonight.

It'll take me hours
to set those things up.

The general's office is off
limits until his party.

I've got it locked off, for all the good
that'll do us without any soldiers.

Right, sir.
We'll keep our fingers crossed.

Oh, yes, Corporal.
Wish us both luck.

You people haven't
seen much of me,

but I know all about you.

I know that if you wanted
to learn close-order drill

you'd have joined
a marching band,

and not the First Foundation
training battalion.

You've spent two weeks
of your lives

and a lot of your
very good money

learning to fight and k*ll
like professionals.

Tomorrow, Sergeant Major
Keegan and his trainers

will send you home tough,
confident and capable.

Someday your capability will be this
country's first line of defense

against our enemies.

Some of those enemies have seen fit
to deprive us of a draft army,

a trained body
of citizens,

ready to guard our families
and our way of life.

Now, by your
personal sacrifices,

you have embraced
that responsibility.

Tonight's maneuvers will be
your last formal exercise.

After that, I expect you
to live what you've learned.

General Padget
is proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

Soldiers, I salute you.

(ALL CHEER)

(SOLDIERS CHANTING
m*llitary CADENCE)

How much longer are you gonna
keep making that phony

bugle-boy speech
to the troops?

Fine body of men
you're turning out there.

Well, I don't
like this job.

I hated dumb duty when I was in the army,
and I don't like it any better now.

You never drew this kind of
pay for real soldiering.

Neither did you, Frank.

Now, you don't mind me calling
you Frank, do you, Colonel, huh?

It's fair, Lester.
We've been around a few blocks together.

Yeah, that's true,
that's true.

Now you're running
this foundation here,

and you're working for the old
general, I'm working for you.

Only the general, he...
He doesn't trust you all that much anymore.

Turns out he likes me better.
Cheers.

Is that a fact, Lester?

You know, the general thinks
you're holding out on him, Frank.

Some operation called, uh,
Special Projects Fund.

Did you ever hear
of the Special Projects Fund?

That's Foundation business.
It's got nothing to do with the training battalion.

Well, Frank, that's exactly
what I told General Padget

when he asked me
to look into this for him.

But how in the hell am I going to find
out anything that high and fancy,

unless I talk to some of my old
army brothers in the Pentagon?

Which I did.
Just top-kick non-coms.

What the hell,
close enough to the bone.

And you know
what I found out?

I have a feeling
you're gonna tell me, Lester.

You're using
the general's foundation

to do things that they
put people in jail for.

Then you're cutting out a nice
slice of cash for yourself.

But, Frank, listen,

I don't have the slightest
intention of blabbing any of this

to General Padget.

Not after what you and I
have been through. Mmm-mmm.

I appreciate that, Lester.

Oh, thanks
for the use of the room.

Of course I had to do
a little recon job for myself.

So I can tell you that I also know
who you've been sleeping with.

Sergeant Major Keegan, you seem to
have a great deal on your mind.

Well, Frank, you see, I
got this idea in my head

that if the Foundation's got money
for you, you've got money for me.

What do you say,
partner?

It's the old
army game, Lester.

All those black phone calls
you've been making.

You call your friends,
they call you.

They pump their friends,
their friends call me.

And round and round it goes.

So I guess I'm about three
points ahead of you on this.

As for whom I may or may not
be sleeping with,

I've noticed you've been following
me around here and there.

Lester, you don't do that very well,
so I know all about that, too.

So what are we
gonna do about all this?

We're gonna
take care of each other,

so long as neither one of us
gets greedy.

Starting when?

Give me a couple of days
to bring you an offer.

Old battle comrades never die,
they just get rich together.

No hard feelings, Frank?

Life's too short.

Nobody knows that
better than we do, huh?

That's right.

PADGET: Those were
the days of Korea.

I only had one star then, and in the
presence of a five-star general,

one star gave you
as much heft as a shavetail.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I remember the first time
he cocked that pipe at me,

he couldn't even
remember my name.

But that's all right.
I couldn't either.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Now, I've got a lot of stars
myself now, I affirm.

I've had 'em
for some time.

Every once in a while, they let
me dress up in my soldier's suit

and try to impress somebody.

But you think-t*nk people are too
smart for that kind of stuff.

Nowadays, I have the honor
to head up your organization.

They put my name
on the top of the stationary,

and they call me
your chairman.

You're a great bunch
of folks here. I would...

I only wish I had you on my
staff when I was in the Army.

My beautiful wife here and I both
thank you for a lovely morning.

And now, now it's time for
Frank and me to get out there

and dig up
some more contributions

to keep this place going.

God bless you all.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

You made it a very pleasant morning, Frank.
You always do.

We'd still like the General
to keep an office here.

I wouldn't know
what to do with it.

I don't even know what's
going on here.

Too many Ph.D.'s trying to rewrite
the history of the world.

Say, how is that sergeant
major of yours doing?

I haven't seen him
for a while.

Lester Keegan?
Right.

Still hammering away
at the troops.

Well, I don't know
about that bunch,

but Keegan's a good man.
A good soldier.

We need more like him.

Oh, it almost
slipped my mind again.

That Special Projects
Fund of yours, Frank.

You know, I still haven't
seen the report yet.

All brought up to date, sir.
I think it'll explain everything.

That's it?

That's the report.

I'm grateful, Frank.

Someone promises once and doesn't
deliver, well, that's a busy man.

Promises twice,
he's not very efficient.

Promises three times,
I know when I'm being diddled.

But here we are, after all.
I take it all back.

And now I'd like another look at
that sexy computer system of yours.

There goes my Squire Toad.
Enthusiasm unbounded.

Are we gonna have the
soldiers for him, Frank?

Still up for grabs.

Colonel Brailie, I've got...
Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Padget.

Not at all, Marcia.
I was just leaving.

I'm glad you got
that report to Jack.

He was fretting about it.
I'll see you at the dinner party.

Indeed.

Bye-bye, Marcia.
Bye-bye, Mrs. Padget.

What can I do
for you, Marcia?

We seem to have two
Special Projects reports.

Do you want either one of
them in central files?

No, I'll take care of them.
Just leave them here.

You know I don't love you.
What I love is being here with you, like this.

Does that make me
a bad woman?

Only for a few hours,
my depraved Jenny.

Hmm. Of all the sins, Jack
says betrayal is the worst.

What's your worst
conceivable sin?

Not getting what I want.

I meant what I said,
Frank, our first time.

We'll take what we enjoy from each
other, but I won't have him hurt.

Not by you,
not by me, not by us.

He'll never know.
Never. I promise.

KEEGAN: Okay, you've had a taste.
Final exam's coming up.

Time to see what all you heroes
have learned these past two weeks.

Now, you got three hours
to get back to base camp

in the dark, in the muck,
in the woods.

And, just so you don't think
those pits you see in the woods,

the ones with the white lime
circles around them,

just so you don't think they're
nifty little hiding places,

every once in a while the
bogeyman is gonna make them go...

That's mortar fire. And you're never
gonna know when it's incoming.

So I don't ever wanna catch
any of your raggedy butts

hanging around something that
looks like a white circle.

Now, that's the menu
for tonight's tea party.

So you soldiers of fortune,
get some chow, get some rest,

'cause the fun and games
commence at sundown.

FRANK: The sexual life
of the camel...

PADGET: is stranger
than anyone thinks.

He lies in the shade
of the pyramids...

...and tries to make love
to the Sphinx.

But the Sphinx
is only a statue...

...beset by the sands
of the Nile...

...which accounts
for the humps on the camel...

...and the Sphinx's
inscrutable smile.

(ALL LAUGHING)

All right, Mr. Martinson,
it's your turn on stage.

Oh, well... Well, in this glittering
company all Peggy and I have to offer

is a little contribution to help
celebrate the general's birthday.

Well, we don't wear uniforms, but we do
like to think of ourselves as patriots.

So keep up the good work there,
Jack, and you, too, Frank,

and damnation
to our enemies.

Hear, hear.

ALL: Hear, hear.

Jenny, our good friends seem to have
made this out to the First Foundation.

Now, I'm not going to tell you
people how much this is for,

but I think I've counted
pretty close to six zeroes.

(SOLDIERS YELLING)

(g*ns f*ring)

Come on.

Come here!

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Jenny, I got 'em.
blue and gray.

The toy soldiers?
Just delivered.

What a shame, Frank.
You won't have time.

Let me try.

Two hours, then bring everybody
up to the pool house.

If I haven't got everything set up, at
least we'll have something to show off.

PADGET: Jennifer? Where's Jennifer?
Jennifer! There you are.

Now, tell me,
what's all this about?

More birthday
surprises.

Oh, my.

Anybody out yet?

Nah. They're falling over
their own feet in there.

Throw me that checklist.

Count 'em right, Sidney.

Everybody checked out before
you start the light show.

I'll take care
of the hookups.

Keegan to Winnik.
I'm out of here.

Frank?

Frank? Frank?

(ALL GASP)

Happy birthday, Jack.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

MAN: Happy birthday!

I'll be damned. Gettysburg.
Cemetery Ridge. Pickett's Charge.

Love from Jenny.

Indeed.

It's a marvel.
You're a marvel.

JENNY: The books
go with it, Jack.

FRANK: All the Civil w*r battles
you'd ever want to fight.

All on a nice, clean
sand table.

Not so clean that day.

No, not when
the dying began.

Flesh and bone
and heartbreak.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Listen up! We're all out of the
woods, and count yourselves lucky.

You were still in there.
The enemy had his a*tillery ranged and ready.

So that's where you begin
to die, like this.

PADGET: Look at that.
I think we just lost one of our men.

My name is Brailie.

Well, my pleasure, sir.
Colonel Brailie.

You're from the Foundation.
That's right.

Lieutenant Columbo.
Police.

A lieutenant.

We seem to be fellow officers,
Lieutenant.

You know the responsibility
of leading your men.

Well, mostly the men I lead,
that'd just be me, sir.

I see.

Still, you can understand
an officer's concern

when he's lost someone
under his command.

Is there any way
I can assist you here?

Well, thank you
very much, sir.

The training battalion, all the
m*llitary uniforms and m*llitary ranks,

it was very confusing
to understand that all this

is really just a school
for civilians.

But we seem to have that
under control now, sir.

Then what are all these
people searching for?

Search and look,
look and search

for whatever might explain
the circumstances.

They expect us
to do that in homicide.

Homicide?
I was told it was an accident.

Well, there is one question.

About the exercises
last night.

Now, I understand that Mr.
Keegan set those switches over there,

and then he radioed...

May I ask, sir, were you
watching the exercises?

No, I'm afraid I was at a dinner
party for General Padget.

Right.

(MEN CHATTERING)

General Jack Padget?
That General Padget?

That General Padget.

That would be like having dinner
with history, sir, wouldn't it?

He's the honorary chairman
of our foundation.

You were about to ask me
a question, Lieutenant.

A question? Right.
Mr. Keegan, yes.

Mr. Keegan set those switches for
what they call a light show.

He radioed Sergeant Winnik
that he was leaving.

But it was an hour later,

when Sergeant Winnik fired off
the expl*sives that k*lled him.

What was he still doing here?
Can you help me with that, Colonel Brailie?

I've been wondering
about that myself.

Obviously something
brought him back here.

But why to this
particular spot,

when he knew
it was so dangerous?

What am I gonna say
in my report?

That he was checking
a wiring connection,

or searching for something,
or someone.

Even the best of trained
men grow careless.

While I played
with toy soldiers.

Toy soldiers, sir?

I was setting up a gift
for the General.

I'm gonna give you four
final words, Lieutenant.

Chest b*rned
and excavated.

Now, you need me
for anything else?

That's it.
Thanks, Clarence.

I'll send the attendants.

We served together.

Little wars
in secret places.

I brought him out of the army
into the training battalion.

All that combat,
to die on a night exercise.

Well, we're just gonna have to call it
an accident, sir, and let it go at that.

I have arrangements to make,
Lieutenant, if you'll forgive me.

Right, sir.
You just run along,

and we'll call you
if we need anything.

I'm very sorry.

Thank you.

Lieutenant!
We found it, sir!

MAN : Hey, Jackson,
over here.

MAN : They got it,
they got it. Check it out.

MAN : Right there,
at the bottom of the slope.

MAN: Right there,
Lieutenant.

COLUMBO: Very good, Sergeant.

Eddie, gonna
need some photographs.

This object that I have in my hand
is a flashlight, is that right?

ALL: Yes, sir.

You all see that?

ALL: Yes, sir.

FRANK: Battalion's closed down until we
find out why this accident happened.

Last night we lost a comrade.

All of you have served
in the regular forces.

Some of you have seen
violent death before.

That's the profession
we picked.

We're soldiers,
so make the best of it.

That's all.

(LOUD RUMBLING)

(WHIRRING)

(DOOR OPENING)

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
That'd be my mess.

I must have tracked it in here
when I came back to clean up.

Well, that's
all right, Lieutenant.

Lester kept this place
like he was still a recruit.

We wouldn't want
to desecrate it now.

Well, I apologize, Colonel.
Here, let me take that.

This camp.
I never saw so much mud.

I counted seven different
type muds.

You can't imagine how many
different kinds of mud.

That's what a detective
has to be interested in.

Green mud and black mud, wet mud
and dry mud, old mud and new mud.

I bring the samples home.
My wife, that's Mrs. Columbo,

she won't even let me
bring it in the house.

That woman, she keeps her house
like Sergeant Major Keegan.

There. Now, that mud...

That's the mud from where
the victim was k*lled.

In the accident.

You're very thorough, Lieutenant.
I don't think I'd like you on my trail.

Oh, if that
were the case, sir,

I'd have to ask you what you were
doing here in the victim's quarters.

And I'd tell you it was to
say a kind of last farewell.

Of course, sir.
And clean up the mud.

And that, too.

Colonel.

Lieutenant Columbo.

Yes, Sergeant?

I've got
the men here, sir.

Thank you,
Sergeant.

I'll send them in
one at a time.

I wanted to talk to
some of the men, sir,

just to get a feel
of the place.

Go to it, Lieutenant.

Please, call me at the Foundation if
there's anything I can do for you.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Here I be.

You wanted to know
about the training battalion?

I want to know about you, sir,
and why you came here.

To get ready
for the time of anarchy.

Time of anarchy?

When the element
tries to take over.

The element, sir?

Now, maybe you don't care, but they ain't
gettin' me, and they ain't gettin' mine!

Right.

Training up
to be a mercenary, sir.

In two weeks?

That's what the article said
in the magazine.

Best camp
I've ever been to, sir.

You mean you've been
to these places before?

Little bit, sir. Taylor Point, South
Carolina, Westerville, Arizona,

Squeaks Ridge, Pennsylvania, Centerburg,
North Dakota, High Bluff, Nevada,

Tannerstown, Oklahoma,
Forge Bend, Kentucky.

Then last year, sir, I got into Blast Cap,
Georgia, Deal, Montana, Murphytown...

I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
Colonel Brailie's busy for a few minutes.

He'll get to you
as soon as he can.

That's quite all right,
ma'am. Thank you very much.

The Foundation, ma'am,
what is it people do here?

We're what they call
a think t*nk, Lieutenant.

Oh, a think t*nk. This is a think t*nk.
That's what it is.

Thank you.

What do they think about?

Our country's problems,
Lieutenant.

I'm sure Colonel Brailie
will explain it to you.

Right. Thank you, ma'am.

(RATTLING)

Yes? What is it?

Sorry. Wrong door.
Excuse me.

Having a look around, Lieutenant?
Sorry to keep you waiting.

Not at all, sir.
This is a very interesting place.

Well, come on.
See what else might be interesting.

Oh, Marcia, please
remind Professor Galt

I'll need to see the Dalai
Lama before my trip to Tibet.

Yes, Colonel.
Carl Peterson just called from Mali.

Get him back. And ring through.
No other calls.

Come in, Lieutenant.

Well, this is certainly
a most interesting office.

And your work, it sounds
very intriguing, sir.

Visiting Tibet, and phone calls from Mali.
That's in Africa, isn't it, sir?

It is, Lieutenant.
You'll find it right here.

Oh, yeah, Mali.

It's a very uncertain world,
Lieutenant.

Things happen unexpectedly,
and even randomly.

Our policies have to expect
the unexpected.

That's the sort of thing we think
about here at the Foundation.

You mean, the best plans,
sir, sometimes go all wrong?

Well, not the very
best plans.

(PHONE RINGING) Here we try
to design perfect plans.

Feel free to look around,
Lieutenant.

Yes? Put him through.

Hello, Carl.
Did you see the tanks yourself?

Well, find them and count them.
I'm not interested in the CIA report.

Take care of yourself.

Well, what have you
found there, Lieutenant?

Is this what
I think it is?

What do you think it is?

Well, it looks like
a human head all shrunken.

It is indeed
a shrunken human head

from the Jivaro Indians
of Ecuador.

He was a soldier
k*lled in battle.

Otherwise his head wouldn't
have been all shrunken.

I keep it
as a soldier's warning.

A single misstep in
the face of my enemy,

and I might end up like
our unfortunate friend here.

Right, sir.
I guess we can say this fella,

he's a lesson to all of us.

Now, Lieutenant,
how can I help you?

Did you talk
to our trainees?

I did, sir, and I must say
I'm puzzled.

What puzzles you?

The kind of people they were.
They just don't seem to go with all of this.

The Foundation
and the training battalion,

they're very different,
aren't they, sir?

Different, indeed. Sophisticated
scholars and roughneck romantics.

Some of our people here call the training
operation our bargain-basement boutique.

Still, the fees help finance
our Foundation work.

For the rest of it,
we depend on donations.

Is there something here
you want to show me?

Oh, yes. Well, it's really just
a question, Colonel Brailie.

Mr. Keegan, the victim,

was he unhappy with his work
out there at the camp?

Well, not that I know of.
He never complained. Why do you ask?

It's these pieces
of paper, sir.

I found them
in Mr. Keegan's desk.

An unexplained accident, sir.
We're supposed to look around like that.

Yes, I'm sure you are.

They're all from the want-ads
sections of the newspapers.

Help wanted.
All help-wanted ads.

Like Mr. Keegan was thinking
of changing jobs.

All different jobs.

"Limousine drivers wanted.
" "Employment opportunities in Saudi Arabia."

"g*n shop needs expert clerk."

"Careers in security
services."

Odd jobs like that.

And the dates. Here, sir.

The dates are all in sequence.

Like Mr. Keegan was looking every
single day until last Monday.

Then it stopped.
No more ads.

You see, sir? Do you see
how the dates run out?

Mmm-hmm. I see, Lieutenant.
What's your point?

Well, here's a man, he's looking
in the newspapers for a new job.

He's looking every day.
He's looking and marking the ads.

Then six days ago,
everything changes.

He stops looking.
No more ads.

I gotta ask myself,
what happened last Monday?

What changed in Mr.
Keegan's life last Monday?

Can you think
of anything, sir?

I can't imagine, Lieutenant. I only visited
the camp when new classes began and ended.

Do you think he could
have found a new job?

I can't conceive Lester
even looking for another job.

Well, we can't read the
man's mind, can we, sir?

All right. Well, thank you very much for your help.
I'll just be running along.

He never talked to you about a
raise, money, anything like that?

Nothing like that.

Lester was perfectly happy with his
life when I saw him yesterday morning.

What could this possibly
have to do with his accident?

Exactly, sir. That's my point.
Here we have an accident on our hands.

My report is gonna
call this an accident.

And there we go, we're complicating
it with a lot of questions.

The paperwork,
it's gonna go on forever,

unless we just learn to forget
about these little questions.

All right, sir.
Well, thank you again.

Good day, Lieutenant.

Good day, sir.

Those sticks, sir.

Excuse me?

These sticks.

Those people sitting on the
floor in that room down there,

they were shaking sticks
just like these.

Yes, they're I Ching sticks.
An ancient Chinese way of divining the future.

You mean, people use these
for fortune telling?

Well, it's all
rather mystical.

One shakes the container
like this,

and eventually,

one of them falls out
like this.

See, and each stick has its own unique markings.
These lines here.

You look up the meaning
in the I Ching book.

You know, what the future holds,
how to deal with your life,

what decisions to make.

All from just this stick?

All from that stick.

Of course, it all depends on
some pretty hazy interpretation.

We do these studies
to try to understand

the processes of
Chinese decision-making.

For instance, I happen to know
that this is the Ming Yi symbol.

What would that mean, sir?

Well, it could mean,
among other things,

that a woman is sitting
on a well,

and that's been interpreted
as a warning against a trap.

Right. A woman on a well.
That's a trap. I can see that.

I'm gonna tell that one
to Mrs. Columbo.

Well, you've been very kind, Colonel,
and I won't intrude any longer.

Not at all.

And we both better guard
ourselves against traps, sir,

or we're liable
to lose our heads.

Bye again.

(DOOR OPENING)

One more thing, sir.

I'll show you how I find
these little problems

that I really shouldn't even
be looking for.

I put it here somewhere.
I know I got it.

Well, it seems like
I don't have it.

Oh, no, here it is.

Over here by the light, sir.

You see this,
Colonel Brailie?

Yes. It looks like dirt,
Lieutenant.

Lots of dirt, bits of leaves,
little twigs.

Found jammed up under
Mr. Keegan's collar.

Lots of dirt,
bits of leaves...

And twigs.

Little twigs.
What do you think of that, sir?

Obviously blown under his
collar by the expl*si*n.

But when the expl*si*n went off, he was lying face down.
His chest was all blown in.

Excuse me
for saying that.

So how could all this dirt get
back here, underneath his collar?

What do you make of it,
Lieutenant?

Well, it's like the victim was being
dragged through the dirt on his back.

Like somebody was dragging
Mr. Keegan by his arms,

and his collar was
scooping up all the dirt.

You see how that can
confuse my accident report?

Yes, you have my sympathies.

Still, I can tell you
from b*ttlefield experience,

an expl*si*n can produce
random results.

I think the expl*si*n
would account for the dirt.

Then that's what I'm gonna say
in my report.

(PHONE RINGING)

expl*si*n,
random results.

This is gonna be
very helpful.

Colonel Brailie, General
Padget's on the phone.

I'll take it at my desk.
Goodbye, Lieutenant.

He wants to talk
to Lieutenant Columbo.

Talk to me?
General Padget?

General Padget
on the line.

General Padget. Sir.

(DOG BARKING)

Okay, I'm gonna put you in charge.
You take care of the car.

You're a responsible dog.

When I get back, if the car's okay,
I'll give you another cookie.

If the car's gone, I give you another
cookie anyway, 'cause I love you.

(WHINING)

(HUMMING THIS OLD MAN)

# With a knick-knack
paddywhack

(DOORBELL RINGING)
# Give a dog a bone #

(HUMMING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

Excuse me, ma'am. Lieutenant Columbo.
The General's expecting me.

Yes, of course.
I'm Jenny Padget.

Is that your car,
Lieutenant?

Yes, ma'am.
Afraid it needs a wash now.

I had one like that once,
a long, long time ago.

Well, you should've
held onto it, ma'am.

That car, that's a collector's item now.
Lovely thing, isn't it?

Yes. Lovely, indeed.
Please, come in.

My husband's back
in the pool house.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Excuse me, sir.

Columbo?
Right.

Padget.

Well, come on in.
I'm not gonna go all the way over there.

Well, what do you
think of this?

A birthday present.
You know what all this is, Lieutenant?

Could this be Gettysburg?
Cemetery Ridge?

What do you know
about Cemetery Ridge?

Well, it's not me
so much as my nephew.

He belongs to one of those groups that
get together to fight all the battles

from the Civil w*r books.

This is certainly some beauty.

Pickett's Charge.

On orders
from General Longstreet.

Half a day late and the battle is lost.
Longstreet's fatal flaw.

Well, the fatal flaw, sir,
I always thought it was shoes.

Excuse me?

There was a shoe factory
in Gettysburg.

If General Lee hadn't needed
shoes for his men,

there may never have been
a Battle of Gettysburg.

Well, I'll be damned.

You're a good man, Lieutenant.
You know things. A pleasure to meet you.

And it's a real privilege to meet you, sir,
and to see how you set this table up.

Oh, I didn't set it up.
Frank Brailie did that last night.

Those are the books, sir?

Lincoln and His Generals.

Bluebellies and Johnny Reb.

That's the one.
That's the great one.

That's a classic.

The Gray Runs Red.
This is some collection.

A gift from my wife.
The whole thing was a gift from Jenny.

Look at this.

A Union soldier.

He retreated too far.
Where are we gonna put him?

How about with the a*tillery,
over here on Little Round Top?

Why don't we help out General Hancock?
You put it here.

Well, sir,
you're the general.

There.

But I don't think that you invited me
over here to help fight the Civil w*r.

You're right.
We lost a good man last night.

A stupid accident.

He was on my own payroll,
so to speak.

You wanna know the truth?
I don't know beans about our accounting.

I told that to Sergeant Major
Keegan a few days ago.

He was standing
right where you're standing.

Would that have been
on Monday, sir?

Well, as a matter of fact,
it was.

Well, in that case, sir,

I'll ask you what you and Mr.
Keegan talked about on Monday.

Lieutenant,
I'm going to trust you.

I asked him to be my eyes and
my ears, do me a little favor.

I might not know
too much about accounting,

but I do know millions
of Foundation dollars

have dribbled down into some rat
hole called Special Projects Fund.

Now, Frank Brailie finally
gave me that report

on the Special Projects Fund
yesterday.

Been after him for weeks.
It was like pulling teeth.

Not the way Colonel Brailie
usually does things.

Anyway, last Monday,

I asked Sergeant Major Keegan to
look into all of that for me,

to find out
what was going on.

Good man.
He knows his business,

just like I think
you know your business.

Well, I never heard
from him again.

A real tragedy.

Got the report here,
anyway, for what it's worth.

Does that answer your question
about what happened last Monday?

In a manner
of speaking, sir.

May I ask you, what exactly
is the Special Projects Fund?

Well, it's a catchall for
everything that isn't nailed down.

Our own intelligence operations around
the world, special grants abroad,

anything that's around,
according to this report.

Now, I'm going to ask you
a favor, Lieutenant.

You're looking around about the camp.
Keegan's life, Keegan's effects.

You find any odds and ends about
the Special Projects report,

you keep me informed.
You think you can do that for me?

Anything I can do
for General Jack Padget,

that would be my own
personal pleasure.

Why don't we stop
this mutual buttering-up

and see if we can't help
each other?

Okay?

Good. Before you go, I want you
to stick this in your pocket.

It's your soldier.
You found it.

Here. Give you an excuse
to come back again.

If you don't,
I'll claim you stole it.

Right, sir.

And I certainly
will be back.

You can count on that, sir.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

WINNIK: Lieutenant?

I was picking up my cleaning.
They gave me Sergeant Major Keegan's stuff.

I didn't know
what to do with it.

I'll take it for you.

Sergeant, do you
like your work here?

It's a job.

Sergeant Major Keegan,
did he like his work here?

He never said.

Good night, Sergeant.

Good night, Lieutenant.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Colonel Brailie. Well,
this is some surprise, sir.

I was looking
for a Mr. Dunstan.

A Mr. L. Dunstan,
apartment A.

Yes, Lieutenant, this
is indeed apartment A.

Is there something
I can do for you?

Careful, sir.
You almost spilt that.

I promise,
it'll only take a minute.

What a remarkable coincidence.
Would you be visiting Mr. Dunstan?

(CHUCKLES)

Would it astonish you to learn that Mr.
Dunstan, Mr. L. Dunstan,

and myself are exactly
the same person?

That's you, sir?
You're Mr. Dunstan?

I don't mean to be
inhospitable, Lieutenant,

but I'm expecting a guest
at any moment.

Of course, sir.
I should have known.

The wine and the music.
I'd have to say a lady.

Exactly.
Now, if you'll excuse me...

A private place
for romantic meetings.

That's why Mr. Dunstan
keeps this apartment.

You have my confession.

Well, I certainly
understand, Colonel.

Except, I must admit
I'm a bit confused.

I thought somewhere...
Bear with me, sir.

Right. Here it is. Don't you have a
lovely home in Sherman Oaks, sir?

Lieutenant, we all know there are moments
when it's more discreet not to be at home.

Ah, right, Colonel,
more discreet.

Well, that certainly
explains that.

But then, you're not a
married man, are you, sir?

Why would you worry
about being discreet?

No, I'm not married,
but the lady...

Ah, of course.
It's really none of my business.

And she'll be along
any minute.

I know exactly
what you're thinking, sir.

You're wondering why I came looking for Mr.
Dunstan in the first place.

Just too polite to ask.

It's the victim, sir, Mr.
Keegan. Here, I'll show you.

I found Mr. Dunstan's name
and address

in Mr. Keegan's...
Oh, here it is.

Yes, in Mr. Keegan's quarters.

Did you know that Mr. Keegan
knew about this apartment?

No, as a matter of fact
I didn't know.

Lieutenant,
I don't mean to rush you.

You didn't know and he knew?
Well, how did he find out?

Sir, do you think he could
have been following you?

I can't imagine that Lester
would be following me.

Lieutenant, don't you think that
you're intruding a little more deeply

on my personal life
than the situation warrants?

Well, sir, we hate to
intrude like this,

but now we have to consider
Mr. Keegan's flashlight.

His flashlight?

His flashlight, sir.

The night Mr. Keegan d*ed.

Do you see the problem?

To the window.

You see where we found
the flashlight?

Underneath this lip of rock, sir, like
an anvil hanging over the flashlight.

Now, how did the flashlight end
up under that rock like that?

The expl*si*n...

Uh, we'll see if I can
make this clear, sir.

This is the expl*sive pit.

Now, the expl*si*n couldn't
have blown it over here.

This is the rock, sir.
And this is the lip.

How did the flashlight end up
here underneath the lip?

How did it get there?

Your point seems a bit
strained, Lieutenant.

Well, sir, flashlights, they don't
go flying around all by themselves.

Not dirt and leaves under Mr.
Keegan's collar, and not flashlights.

That's why we did
a second autopsy.

Lieutenant, you seemed quite certain
all of this was an accident.

Well, sir, nobody wanted it to
be an accident more than me.

m*rder? You wouldn't even want to think
about the amount of paperwork for m*rder.

m*rder?

Well, it certainly
was a m*rder, sir.

The second autopsy.
We found a Kn*fe wound in Mr. Keegan's heart

where he was stabbed.

I'm sorry, sir.
We have to face that now.

I see.

It all seems
so inconceivable.

Poor Lester stabbed to death while
I enjoyed myself with the General.

So many violent men
in the camp that night.

Well, we'll just have to leave all these
things in your capable hands, Lieutenant.

Good luck
with your paperwork.

We'll just have
to manage, sir.

I'm sure you have a lot of
other things to think about.

Oh, Colonel, would you mind
if I used your washroom?

Lieutenant,
I do have an engagement.

I'll just be a minute, sir.

Is there anything else
I can do for you, Lieutenant?

No. No, sir.
I can't think of a thing.

No, I'll be running along.
We'll be talking again soon, Colonel.

I'm sure we will.

Try and have
a pleasant afternoon.

WARREN: Right then
it was touch and go.

Colonel Brailie would have settled
for the soldiers without the books.

But the books without the soldiers?
There goes the big surprise.

Well, it sounds like
a remarkable evening.

And this is certainly
a remarkable sherry.

The General's best, sir.

JENNY: Lieutenant Columbo?

Ma'am.

I see Warren's been
taking care of you.

He's been telling me
stories, ma'am.

Come and join me
over here.

May I pour you a cup
of tea, Lieutenant?

Well, if it's all the same, Mrs.
Padget, I'll just enjoy my sherry.

Please do.

I'll only take up a minute of your time,
ma'am, on my way to visit your husband.

Well, this is very nice.

When a policeman comes calling, I'm
sure it can't be all that nice.

Mr. Keegan's accident,
the Sergeant Major,

he was m*rder*d, ma'am.

We know that now
for a fact.

That's a very brutal fact,
Lieutenant.

This sherry is delicious,
ma'am.

Even the glass
is beautiful.

You see the glass,
the four frosted stars?

It's like all that crystal over there in
that cabinet, for a four-star general.

They were a gift
from the Army.

I saw a glass like this
earlier today, Mrs. Padget,

in an apartment
kept by Frank Brailie,

for what you might call
intimate occasions.

With a woman.
He was expecting her.

A married woman.

Am I to understand that you're
implying some insulting connection

between me and a wine glass and
some love nest of Frank Brailie's?

Well, four stars,
that's very unusual, ma'am.

Like... You'll forgive me.

Like special wine glasses that a woman
brings to a furnished apartment.

You'll forgive me,
Lieutenant.

On any number of occasions Frank Brailie
could have taken those glasses from my home.

He could have borrowed them, stolen
them, treated them as a gift.

I have no intention of continuing
this offensive inquisition.

Don't make me
stop you, ma'am.

If you'll look at this,
please.

It's one of those
traveling toothbrushes

from Mr. Brailie's bathroom
in the apartment.

And the fingerprints,
Mrs. Padget...

Everybody's fingerprints
are on file, most everybody.

Would you want me to say whose
fingerprints we found on this?

No. That won't be necessary.

Why, in the name of God,
are you doing this?

I'm sorry, ma'am.
There'll just be a few more questions.

Were you aware that Mr.
Keegan knew about the secret apartment?

No.

Nobody knew.

Mr. Keegan knew.
And now he's dead.

What I need, ma'am...
Was there anything else,

any other kind of secret
he might have known?

Maybe about the Foundation?
The Special Projects report?

Anything you could
help me with.

No.

My husband was interested in
the Special Projects report.

That's all I know.

Well, that's it then, ma'am.
I'll just take this way to the pool house.

Lieutenant.

When you speak
with my husband,

will you find it necessary
to mention any of this?

No, ma'am.
Good night, ma'am.

(KNOCKING)

Lieutenant Columbo, sir.

PADGET: Come on in.

Lieutenant.
I'll be with you in a moment.

You just carry on, sir.

The French have
a saying, Lieutenant.

"The older you get,
the worse things are."

Self-pitying nonsense.

But at my age, I find myself writing
too many letters of condolences

to the bereaved widows
of clam-brained generals

I never cared for
in the first place.

I suppose that makes me
a hypocrite.

That's another word
for good manners.

What news have
you brought me?

Well, it's about
Mr. Keegan, sir.

Anything about
the Special Projects report?

No, nothing like that, General.
No sign of anything like that.

But that brings up the subject
of your own feelings, sir,

your interest
in this report.

A place like the Foundation.
There must be plenty of reports you never get to read.

Maybe you can tell me what's so special
about the Special Projects report.

And if I choose
not to answer your question?

Well, sir, it's a policeman's question.
We expect to get our answers.

The Special Projects Fund is discretionary,
and I wasn't aware of that until recently.

When you deal with
other people's discretion,

that leaves a hole
for the devil to pop up.

And I think perhaps he's
already poked his nose out.

Do you mind if I took
a look at this, sir?

Well, it's hardly necessary
for an accident investigation.

Well, General, I'm sorry
to have to tell you this,

but it's not
an accident anymore.

Your friend Mr. Keegan...
We now know that Mr. Keegan was m*rder*d.

m*rder*d?

A m*rder.

That's a completely different
kind of investigation.

And there'll be
more questions.

I don't know why you're
telling me these things.

That's police business.
All police business.

I can't help you.

There's nothing I can do.

It's terrible.
Terrible.

I understand, sir.
We'll talk another time.

Yes, yes, please.

Good night, General.

Who is it?
Who's there?

Jack?

Oh, Jenny, good.
I want to talk to you.

I want to talk
to you, too.

I saw Lieutenant Columbo.

He told you about all this
awful m*rder business?

Yes. And some other things
from his investigation.

The things
we have to talk about.

This is of no concern...

Please, Jack, don't look at me.
Not yet.

Lieutenant Columbo knows
what I have to tell you now

about someone in my life.

A relationship I swore
you'd never know about.

A man I could never care for the
way we care for each other.

Jenny, you're a young woman.

Strong, lovely,

full of needs that I
can't provide for you.

Do you really believe that I haven't
made any allowances for that?

I never wanted to hurt you, Jack.
Shh.

You've been
the most loving companion

that I ever could have
been blessed with.

And for the rest of it, I want to
thank you for your discretion.

And now if you need to tell me
who, when, where, I beg of you.

Don't.

With all my heart, don't.

Please, Jenny,
I couldn't bear it.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

You the investigating officer?

Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Columbo.

Marty Tanzer.

Just want to wish you
the best of luck.

You're the only one here who wished me
good luck, sir. Any particular reason?

Keegan was an old friend.

May I ask
when you saw him last?

Seven years ago.
Since I've been in Washington.

Seven years.
Well, thank you very much, Sergeant.

Seven years,
except for the phone calls.

Any recent calls?

The last one on the morning
of the day he d*ed.

Phone calls about what,
Sergeant?

I can't say.
You can't say?

Classified.

Mr. Keegan told you
something classified?

I told him.

(COUGHS)

m*llitary intelligence.

Right.
m*llitary intelligence.

Can you tell me?

Can't.

The police. I'm the police.
You can tell the police.

I can't talk about it.

(SIGHING)

If you ever see your way clear to
talk about it, give me a call.

How about now?

I've got them in my hand,
Colonel.

Yes, sir.
In the shredder.

Okay, and I'll give
the lieutenant your message.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

Colonel Brailie won't be available
for the rest of the day.

Ah.

Well, that's too bad, ma'am.

These fortunetelling sticks.
I gotta have a lot of help.

This one here, ma'am.
This is either a Wei,

which means a father is
having trouble with his son,

or it's a Kun, which means a young
fox just crossed the river.

I'm not too sure
about the Kun part.

And then there's all this about Yin Yang.
What's a Yin Yang?

No, it's yin and yang,
Lieutenant.

I think it's the tension
between opposites.

Like black and white,
light and dark.

Sweet and sour.

Hot and...

Is this a Special Projects
report, Lieutenant?

Yes, ma'am.
I'm reading that.

Did that come
from Colonel Brailie?

Oh, yes, yes. Definitely
from Colonel Brailie.

Did he give you the old
report or the new report?

Well, that's hard to say,
ma'am. What do you think?

Well, the old report
was in the red holder.

So the red letters on the gray
cover must be the old report.

Unless it was the gray cover
in the green holder.

That would have to be
the new report.

Or maybe it was vice versa.

Unless it was
the other way around,

in which case,
this would go here.

Well, this is the red cover
in the red holder, ma'am.

Otherwise, it'd be opposite,
like yin and yang.

Please, Lieutenant,
don't get me confused.

Now, let me have
the red holder.

You're not supposed to have
the red holder, anyway.

The gray cover with the red letters goes
with the new report in the green holder,

and that's in here.

If the green holder had a
report with a green cover,

we'd know exactly where we are.
I think.

So this report also goes
with the green holder.

Now, the red holder has the red
cover with the black letters in...

Lieutenant.

Lieutenant?

Lieutenant?

Good evening, Colonel.
The general will be pleased to see you.

Is he in the pool house?

No, sir. I'll tell him
that you're here.

Thank you for coming.

My pleasure, sir.
You got the wrong report.

This is the one
you weren't supposed to see.

Is that all you can say?

We try to protect you
from these things, Jack.

Your Special Projects?

Here and there.

Africa.

Illegal g*n running!

Foundation funds.

Arms transfers.

That's what our beloved sponsors
really hope they're buying.

Just a little blood.
Don't you know that?

Secret little excursions
beyond the law.

Secret g*ns for secret friends,
in the interest of our country.

You thieving bastard!

Spinning your foreign
bank accounts.

A dollar for g*ns,
a dollar for you,

all wrapped up
in the Foundation flag!

A thing like that, Jack,
if it ever comes out,

even General Padget could get
chewed up in the machine.

A co-conspirator
or an inept fool.

Any preference?

Just one.
To see you in prison.

Any price, any cost.

You go to hell.

General, you'll do
what you have to do.

In the end you'll beg me
to take back that report.

For Jenny's sake.

Jenny?

Do you really want me to admit how
many times she's made love to me?

How many afternoons
in our own apartment?

In our own bed?

The devil's in the details,
Jack.

Shocked people love
shocking details.

What we said to each other,

what we did for each other.

If you open up
the Special Projects Fund,

well, that doesn't give me
much to lose.

What you lose,
what Jenny loses...

Well, that's up to you, sir,
isn't it?

Jack.

Advise him, Jenny.

I think you would want this back.
Don't!

JENNY: Whatever he says.

I won't have
any further need for it.

And copies, sir?

Lieutenant Columbo's copy
is on my desk.

Thank you for understanding.

Perhaps you'd be good enough
to fix me a cup of chocolate.

You know how I like it.

COLUMBO: Colonel Brailie.

I was hoping we'd run into each
other again, and here you are, sir.

I see you've found
the I Ching stick.

Is that the Kui
symbol, sir?

Yes, Lieutenant,
it appears to be a Kui.

Well, the I Ching book, it was
very baffling about the Kui.

Something about a culprit
who walks on his toes

because the police
are looking for him.

Why would he walk
on his toes?

Why would the police
be looking for him?

I think it's
a kind of warning.

Like the shrunken head, sir.

Yes, Lieutenant,
much like a shrunken head.

Well, I'll certainly
bear that in mind.

I'm sure this is what
you came here for, Colonel.

Your Special Projects report.

And I know that you're anxious to
be on your way, so good night, sir.

Good night, Lieutenant.

All the things in that report, the arms
and all, and the foreign bank accounts,

Mr. Keegan,
he never saw the report,

but he did know
about those things, sir.

Do you think
that's why he was m*rder*d?

What do you think,
Lieutenant?

Well, sir, the way I see it, there's Mr.
Keegan getting telephone calls

from an intelligence friend in
Washington about the Foundation,

and about the g*ns
to Africa.

And Mr. Keegan,
he needs a new job,

and I have to consider
that maybe Mr. Keegan...

The best job he could find would
be in the blackmail business.

Somebody
at the Foundation.

And the blackmail, that would
be the motive for the m*rder.

Would you agree with me
on that one, sir?

A possibility.

Unless you're implying I was the
target of Keegan's blackmail.

Oh, no, sir.
I'm implying more than that.

I'm implying
that you m*rder*d the man.

Then I'd better walk
on my toes, Lieutenant.

I was here when Lester
was m*rder*d, remember?

I spent the evening setting up all this.
Hardly a trifle.

Oh, I can see that, sir.
Hours of work.

And right there.
That's where you got me b*at.

Your alibi, sir.
It's a perfect alibi.

How can I even begin to make a
case with an alibi like that?

I'm glad you agree.

You know, Colonel, the way we
always agree with one another,

that's amazing,

considering the fact that we
really don't like one another.

Would you agree
with me on that?

I think I'd have to agree.

You see?
We agree again.

What would you say
about this, sir?

I'd say it looks
like a toy soldier.

I found him.
You want to know where?

If you like.

Right here, sir,
is where I found him.

The day after the m*rder.
Behind the Civil w*r books,

by this bookend.

Do you see
where I found him, sir?

Yes, Lieutenant.
I see exactly.

Well, that's very confusing.
That's puzzling, sir.

Right away, I don't know
what to make of it.

According to the General's orderly, the
carton of books came in the morning,

and the soldiers were delivered at night.
Am I right?

Right you are,
Lieutenant.

Then if the books
came first,

how did the soldier end up
behind the books?

Ah, I sense a trap.

Maybe a woman sitting
on a well, sir.

Lieutenant,
I used this shelf...

to group my soldiers.

I didn't put the books there
until all this was done.

One errant soldier
got left behind.

This one.

Well, that would
explain him, sir.

But then there's
all these books.

You see?

All these Civil w*r books that
you ordered for the General.

I'm perfectly aware of the
Civil w*r books, Lieutenant.

Do you plan
to borrow them?

No, no, no, sir.
No, nothing like that.

Would you give
me a hand, sir?

Since you insist.
The books in the box.

Well, there it is again, sir.
Interesting.

You see how interesting
that is, sir?

The books?

And the carton.
It won't close.

There's too many books
for the carton.

Well, obviously there's a
proper way to pack the books.

Well, sir, no matter how many
times I tried to pack 'em,

it always came out the same.

That's because that box...

That's a two-cubic-foot box.
I measured that.

And the books,

I measured those
at . cubic feet.

You see that, Colonel Brailie?
. cubic feet of books.

How could they fit into
a two-cubic-foot box?

Well, they can't.
I don't care how you figure it.

Metric, liters, kilograms,
whatever.

But that box...

This carton marked
"m*llitary Miniatures,"

that'd be toy soldiers, sir.

Don't patronize me,
Lieutenant.

This box, sir, this is
a . - cubic-foot box.

You see that?
It says it right there, sir.

And the MacAdam
booksellers,

they sent me another complete set of books,
just like those in that box there.

Exactly the same.

COLUMBO: And there they are.

But the books, they can't
fit in this box, sir.

That's a scientific fact.

And from this scientific
fact, you deduce...

Well, I would have to say,
sir, that the books...

The night Mr. Keegan
was m*rder*d,

the books were delivered here
in the evening

in that box marked "soldiers",

and this box,
the one marked "books",

the box you opened
in the morning, sir?

I'd say this box had
to have the soldiers.

So that you could set them
all up here ahead of time,

for the charge
up Cemetery Hill.

And that evening
you went to the training camp,

and you m*rder*d Mr. Keegan
without an alibi, Colonel.

You m*rder*d him
with no alibi at all,

unless the jurors manage to pack
all those books in that box.

Do you think they could
ever do that, sir?

I expect they'll have
difficulty, Lieutenant.

I seem to have
misjudged myself.

And you.

I'm curious.
When did you suspect me?

Well, as long
as you ask, sir,

that first day
in Mr. Keegan's quarters,

when I found you scrubbing
my mud off the floor,

I thought that was peculiar for
someone as arrogant as you are,

if you'll excuse me, sir.

Oh, there's still
one more thing.

Our lost soldier.

Where do you think
we should put him?

It hardly makes any difference
to the battle, Lieutenant.

It already seems to be lost.

COLUMBO: Well, sir, this one's
on the side that won.

Did I read your rights,
Colonel?

I think I forgot
to read your rights.

I have the card somewhere.
I know it's here.

In this pocket.

No, the other pocket.

Gee, maybe I forgot
to bring it again.

No, here it is.