09x02 - Columbo Cries Wolf

[bunniefuu]

(Man) Tonight, on "Columbo"...

- I started Bachelor's World.
- We started Bachelor's World.

I've been thinking how wonderful
life would be if you disappeared.

- Who's the man in the raincoat?
- Lieutenant Columbo. Homicide.

Doesn't the fact that your business partner
is missing worry you, sir?

Stop playing games with me.

- Is there a body?
- We think there is.

It's all an act. You're not the naive,
bumbling detective you pretend to be.

The end of a perfect day.

(# "She Drives Me Crazy"
by Fine Young Cannibals)

# I can't stop

# The way I feel

# Things you do

# Don't seem real

# Tell you what I got in mind

# Cos we're runnin' out of time

# Won't you ever set me free?

# This waitin' round's killin' me

# She drives me crazy

# Ooh, ooh

# Like no one else

# Ooh, ooh

# She drives me crazy

# And I can't help myself

# Ooh, ooh

# I can't get

# Any rest

# People say

# I'm obsessed

# Everything that's serious lasts

# But to me there's no surprise

# What I have I knew was true

# Things go wrong
They always do

# She drives me crazy

# Ooh, ooh

# Like no one else

# Ooh, ooh

# She drives me crazy
And I can't help myself...

How do you feel?

- Mm. Good.
- You feel good?

- Yeah.
- Good.

OK. Wet your lips for me.

Say my name.

Sean.

# I won't make it

# On my own

# No one likes

# To be alone

# She drives me crazy

(phone rings)

(woman) Dian Hunter's office.

OK, Raynelle.
Let's see Joan's layout on the chateau.

- I've got it right here.
- Let's deepen up this background some.

OK, no problem.

- Do we have any more copy for this?
- Yes, I have some.

Good. How is Sean coming
with the Nymph of the Year sh**t?

He's sh**ting as we speak.

He's sh**ting? Or he's playing?

Oh, I don't know about that.

Let's see what the cameras tell us.

Mm.

OK, everybody, that's a wrap. Take ten.

- (Woman) OK. Ten minutes.
- You're so gorgeous.

(She moans)

(she sighs)

(knocking)

Dian, the advance tape of Jeanne Wolf's
interview with Sean and Tina just arrived.

I can't wait to see that.

(Woman) Now for the big question.

Sean, Tina, could the rumours
possibly be true

that the world's most elusive bachelor
, Mr "Bachelor's World" himself,

is for the first time in his life
thinking about matrimony?

Thinking about marrying sweet Tina,
"Bachelor's World's" cover girl,

- is every man's dream.
- You are thinking about it!

Sean Brantley is actually thinking about...
getting married?

Yes. And when you see the next issue
of "Bachelor's World", you'll see why.

That does it.
Beep Sean, get him up here.

And then put a call through
to Sir Harry Matthews.

(Women shrieking and laughing)

(bleeping)

- Trouble, eh?
- That's putting it mildly.

- Hello, sweetheart.
- Don't "sweetheart" me.

And wipe that silly, smirking,
little-boy grin off your face!

- Hold all calls.
- Yes, Miss Hunter.

You bastard. I saw the interview that you
and sweet little Tina did with Jeanne Wolf.

I've had it, Sean.

You don't seriously think
I'm considering marrying her, do you?

It's all just publicity.
To boost circulation for the magazine.

To feed our readers' fantasies.
It's like the chateau, the live-in nymphs.

The excuse you've used
to justify every affair you've had

with every Nymph of the Month
for the last ten years.

But it's the truth.

You're the only one I've ever loved.

You know that. Come on.

Haven't you noticed how every Nymph
of the Month resembles you in some way?

Some have your eyes, some your mouth,
some your lips, others your breasts.

Stop it, Sean!

We've been through this times.

No matter how many nymphs you've had,

I've always managed to convince myself
it was me you cared about.

But I've finally come to my senses.
I'm leaving you, Sean.

I'm leaving you and
Bachelor's World.

I'm leaving for London tonight,
to sell my stock to Sir Harry Matthews.

OK.

OK. You've made your point.
I'll break it off with Tina. She's gone.

You don't get it, do you, Sean?
It's not about Tina. It's about you and me.

All right. All right,
I'll get rid of them, all of them.

No more live-in nymphs.

Just you and me and the peacocks
and the deer and the...

I'm serious, Sean.

All right.

You win. It'll be just the way it was
when we started the magazine.

Just the two of us,
just you and me, I swear.

- I'm begging you.
- Oh, don't beg, Sean.

- My mind is made up.
- OK.

OK, you're hurt and angry
and you want out. I understand that.

But why Matthews?
If you wanna sell, sell to me.

And what would you use for money?

I'll pay you out of future earnings.
I'll put up my % of stock as security.

What earnings? We spend every dime
we take in on the chateau, the parties,

the shopping sprees, the nymphs.

All right, sell % to Matthews
and sell % to me.

That would give you
control of the company.

- I don't think Sir Harry would like that.
- Why shouldn't I have control?

- I started Bachelor's World.
- We started Bachelor's World.

With my money.

That's why I own % of the stock.

I wouldn't worry too much, Sean.

Life goes on.

Of course, Sir Harry
will probably close the chateau

and he'll cut expenses to the very bone.

That seems to be all
there is to talk about.

So, as Sir Harry would say...

...ta-ta for now, Sean.

Not ta-ta, sweetheart... goodbye.

(Party music playing)

Hi!

Thanks.

...The water, and as the lawyer,
he swims safely through the sharks

and reaches the lifeboat.

Astounded, the minister
turned to the doctor and the rabbi,

and asked,
"How come the sharks didn't eat him?"

Professional courtesy. That was
in Bachelor's World two years ago.

Hi there, ladies.

Have a safe trip.

- Thank you, Cosner.
- Yes, ma'am.

Night, Miss Hunter.
Have a safe trip.

Cosner, don't forget
my basket of goodies, please.

No, ma'am.

You have to do it quick.
Two minutes.

Just do it.

- Cosner.
- Yes, ma'am.

Please make sure the smoked salmon
is Scottish, not domestic.

And... paper thin.

Yes, ma'am.

Have you got Miss Hunter's basket, Louis?

Hey, all ready.

(Loud bang)

Louis, didn't that sound like a g*nsh*t?

Sounded like backfire to me, mate.

Some hotshot kid back there parking
a car. You can hear it all the time.

If I drove like that,
I'd be canned in a minute.

I believe it. That lady you work for
is what we call très fussy.

- Thank you.
- Cheers.

Paula, take my watch. Time us.

Remember, girls, let me win.

On your mark, get set, go!

(Cheering)

(man over PA) The white zone is for
loading and unloading passengers only.

No parking.

Anything else, ma'am?

No.

Have a safe trip, ma'am.

Yes, sir?

- Lieutenant Columbo.
- Thank you, Lieutenant.

All right, let him in.

OK, clear for me, please. OK, sweetheart,
smile for me. Nice big smile.

Slowly. Beautiful. Beautiful.

Nice big smile. That's it. Beautiful.
Throw your hair way back.

Throw your hair way,
way back for me. Good.

Beautiful. You are so beautiful.

OK, that's it. Hold that. Hold that. Yeah.
Lower your hands for me.

Slowly. Yeah.
Lower your hands slowly. Beautiful.

Hold that for me. OK.

Lower your hands. Beautiful.

Yeah. Lower your hands.
Slowly. Slowly.

- Yeah, that's beautiful.
- Who's that man in the raincoat?

I'm sorry, sir. Forgive me.
I didn't mean to intrude like this.

Who are you
and what are you doing here?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
You are Sean Brantley, aren't you?

Never mind who I am. The question is
who are you? Lieutenant of what?

LAPD, sir. I have an appointment
with a Sean Brantley.

Bring that over here. I can never
get anything done around here.

What are security doing, sleeping?

- It's not a very good likeness, but...
- I'd say it flatters you.

- Oh, thank you, sir.
- What's this about an appointment?

I spoke to your secretary,
a Miss Robinson?

- You spoke to Helen?
- I don't know if her name was Helen.

But... it was for ten o'clock, sir.

Right. Well, maybe you do have
an appointment.

Ten minutes. Take a break, everybody.
Ten minutes. What's your name?

- Uh, Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
- Ten minutes.

Now, before you start,
we had a party last night.

It went very late, the music was very loud,
but that's not about to change.

- That's our business.
- This is nothing to do with the party, sir.

Thank God for that.

Is it all right to talk
in front of the young lady?

Yes, of course. Let's get on with it.
As you can see, I have better things to do.

Yes, sir, I... I can see that, sir,
so I'll get right to it.

This morning I got a call
from an old friend,

Detective Chief Superintendent Dirk
at New Scotland Yard.

That's in London, sir.

Yes, I know.
What's that to do with me?

Well, Superintendent Dirk,

he's investigating the disappearance
of your business partner, a Dian Hunter.

Dian missing?
Who reported her missing?

A Sir Harry Matthews. I got the feeling
from Dirk he's a very important man.

Important? He controls the most important
media empire in the world.

His magazines, newspapers, television.

Well, that would explain
why Dirk is so anxious to find her.

He's had two squads working
around the clock the last three days.

I wonder if it occurred to your friend
to check the Savoy Hotel.

- That's where she always stays.
- Oh, I'm sure he did that, sir.

He's... He's checked all the hotels, the
airports, railroads, car rental agencies.

They've looked everywhere.

That's why my friend Dirk
asked me to come and see you.

He thought maybe you might know
something about what happened.

All I know is she said
she was going to London.

And apparently she did, sir. The airlines
confirm she boarded the plane here in LA

and she got off in London.

British Immigration, they confirm
that she went through Customs.

And this Sir Harry,
he had a limousine at the airport,

and when she didn't show up,
he called the police.

You haven't heard from her since she left,
have you, sir?

No.

Doesn't the fact that your business partner
is missing worry you, sir?

You don't know Dian. She's not only
my business partner, she's my best friend.

We started the magazine together,
but she's the brains, she runs it.

No, thank you.

She turned a $ , investment
into a multimillion-dollar media empire,

and she did it by working
hours a day for years.

But sometimes Dian feels
as if she's burning out,

and when she does, she takes off.

She never tells anyone where she's going,
she just goes,

and she goes to places
you wouldn't believe.

The Mohave Desert. Shanghai.
Tibetan monastery. A convent in Lourdes.

But this time she went to London,
and, as I understand it,

she went to London for a very important
business meeting with an important man.

Now, she gets to London
and she disappears into thin air.

- Doesn't that worry you, sir?
- It would if I didn't know Dian.

But knowing her as I do,
I know she'll turn up.

Let's hope you're right. If you hear from
her, would you mind giving me a call?

That's Columbo, Missing Persons?

No, that's Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide.

But I don't want you to worry.
There's no reason to suspect foul play.

With your permission, sir, I'll be asking
questions of some of the people here,

just as a favour
to my friend Superintendent Dirk.

Now, there's no question
in your mind, Mr Cosner...

- Just Cosner, Lieutenant.
- Just Cosner?

- Cosner.
- All right, Cosner.

You're sure that the woman you took
to the airport was Miss Hunter?

- No doubt about that?
- Yes, Lieutenant. I'm certain it was she.

I've driven Madam for seven years.

Did Miss Hunter on the way to the airport
stop to visit a friend, business associate?

- No, she did not.
- So you went straight to the airport.

We did make one stop
at Madam's favourite restaurant,

where I picked up
her imported Scottish salmon.

She hates airline food.

You went into the restaurant
and she stayed in the car alone?

- Correct.
- How long were you in the restaurant?

A couple of minutes.

- A couple of minutes.
- Right.

And when you came out,
you had the salmon.

- Yes.
- Did you give the salmon to Miss Hunter?

No, I kept the salmon
on the front seat with me.

Madam had raised the partition. That's her
way of saying, "No more conversation".

So you drove to the airport
from the restaurant without talking.

Correct.

And when you got to the airport,
did you talk to her then?

I did, yes,
when I helped her out of the limo.

For some reason, the lady
had gotten herself all bundled up.

It seemed peculiar,
I couldn't imagine why,

and I remember asking her
was there anything I could do.

- She said no.
- Bundled up? How was she bundled up?

She had on a hat,
a scarf around her head, dark glasses

and a fur coat with the collar turned up.

- Would you put up the partition, sir?
- I beg your pardon?

Would you get in the back seat, sir,
and put up the partition?

Certainly.

(Muffled voice)

Did you say something?

All you can see is a silhouette.

When you went into the restaurant,
where did you park?

In the back alley
by the entrance to the kitchen.

In the back alley.
And you were in for a couple of minutes.

So there was enough time
for someone to come up in another car

and switch someone else for Miss Hunter,

take Miss Hunter out and replace her
with someone who looked like her.

I'm positive there wasn't enough time.

I was in the restaurant less than a minute
when I heard a sh*t.

A sh*t? You heard a sh*t?

Well, I heard what I thought was a sh*t,
a bang from the alley,

and naturally I was concerned and ran out
to make sure that Madam was all right.

- And?
- And nothing.

All I saw was the limo
parked just as I left it,

the alley absolutely empty and peaceful.

Wait a minute. Are you saying, if there was
a sh*t, that there wasn't enough time

for someone who fired that sh*t

to have gotten out of the alley
without you seeing 'em?

That's right, and two minutes later
when I got back in the car,

I could see Madam's silhouette
through the glass.

That's two minutes, Lieutenant.

Hardly enough time
for someone to have sh*t the lady,

switched clothes with her
and disposed of her body.

Excuse me, sir.

That night when you came back to
the chateau, did you clean up back here?

No, I just parked, dropped her whisky
glass off in the kitchen and I went to bed.

Good. Keep everybody away from the car

until the crime lab
has had a chance to go over it.

Mr Brantley's not going to like that.

No, sir, I don't think he will.

(Helicopter overhead)

- What's going on?
- I'm not really sure. A helicopter.

I'm here to pick up Lieutenant Columbo
for Sir Harry Matthews.

Who the hell is he
and what does he want?

(Over loudspeaker)
Lieutenant Columbo.

Will Lieutenant Columbo please come to
the front lawn as quickly as possible?

You're Lieutenant Columbo?
Please hurry.

My employer does not like
to be kept waiting.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.
We'll speak again no later than Tuesday.

Thank you. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Have a safe trip.
It's been a great pleasure.

Bye-bye.

Lieutenant Columbo, Sir Harry Matthews.

Ah, how do you do, Lieutenant?

Please, sit down.

- Do you know who I am, Lieutenant?
- Oh, yes, sir.

You're a friend of Detective Chief
Superintendent Dirk's.

Well, he's an acquaintance, actually,
of my old friend the Home Secretary.

You reported Dian Hunter missing, right?

Quite so. And what do you have
to report, Lieutenant?

Not much. All the evidence so far indicates
that she got on a plane here in LA

and she arrived in London,

which makes it Detective Chief
Superintendent Dirk's case.

Then I suggest
you re-examine the evidence.

I can assure you, Dian Hunter
was the victim of foul play

at the hands
of that scoundrel Sean Brantley.

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm gonna need
more than your assurances.

I need real evidence of foul play

and I need a reason why Mr Brantley
would hurt her, a motive.

I thought his motive was self-evident.

When he discovered Dian was coming
to London to sell Bachelor's World,

he had to stop her or kiss his life
of nymphs and riches goodbye.

He realised there was
only one way to do that.

Somehow he k*lled her,
or had her k*lled.

If it was actually Dian
who got off that plane in London,

he had her k*lled there,
or if it was someone else,

he k*lled her right here in Los Angeles.

Wherever it happened,
Sean Brantley k*lled her,

and it's up to you
to bring him to justice, Lieutenant.

If she's really dead.
If he k*lled her.

- Those are two big ifs, sir.
- Hm.

Are you a cigar smoker, Lieutenant?

- Yes, sir.
- Good.

I've always found cigar smokers
to be clear thinkers.

The better the cigar,
the better the thinking. Help yourself.

Thank you, sir.

- Take another.
- Oh. Thank you very much.

Light up. Think it all through.

Think of how
that nasty little opportunist k*lled her.

You're going to enjoy those. They're
the most expensive cigar money can buy.

Did you know, they're $ an inch?

Oh! Well, I don't need
this second one, sir.

I forgot.
I already took two in the helicopter.

Oh, I see. Well, in that case,
I insist that you take a whole lot more.

Go on, be my guest.

Just find out
what happened to Dian Hunter.

(Man) Go check the dumpster.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I'll do that.

- Not on my salary.
- Stan, on your feet.

- Get over here.
- (Metal detector bleeps)

(Columbo) It's not a b*llet. OK.

Keep looking.

Hey, Lieutenant.

(Columbo) b*llet?

- No, it's a shell casing.
- Uh-huh.

Looks like it's from
a. calibre a*t*matic.

OK. Now, make sure we get prints on that.

Right.

Doesn't look like
we're gonna find the b*llet,

which means
it's probably still in the body.

That's exactly right, Mr Wilson.
Exactly right.

Miss Hunter?

Miss Hunter is out of the country.
I'm her secretary. Can I help?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo.

You sound like the young lady
I spoke to yesterday

when I called to make an appointment
with Mr Brantley.

Oh, my.
Oh, I am so sorry, Lieutenant.

I forgot to tell him.
I'm a complete airhead.

You haven't heard anything from
Miss Hunter since we talked yesterday?

Yesterday when you told me
she was missing, I...

(intercom buzzes)

Yes, miss?

(Intercom continues
to buzz intermittently)

Whenever Dian wanted
to record a meeting,

she would leave the intercom on

and my machine
would automatically record it.

I've been wondering whether
she'd want me to give this to you.

I've been buzzing for five minutes.
Get me some coffee.

- Right away, Sean.
- That was my fault that she didn't hear.

I was asking her questions
for my report to Superintendent Dirk.

You and your friend Superintendent Dirk
are wasting your time.

Believe me, Dian will show up
in a day or two, a week at the very most.

I'm not so sure about that, sir.

Since we last talked, there have been
some very puzzling developments.

Very puzzling.

Uh, you don't mind if I look around
Miss Hunter's office, do you, sir?

Puzzling developments?
What kind of puzzling developments?

Lieutenant, what kind of developments?

I must say, sir,
these girls have their health.

- Here's your coffee, Sean.
- You forgot the cream again.

Can't you get it into your head Dian
drinks her coffee black? I use cream.

I... I'm sorry, Sean.
I'll get your cream right away.

- I asked you a question, Columbo.
- Huh? What was that, sir?

The puzzling developments you
mentioned. What puzzling developments?

Just a lot of little things, sir.
I've got to sort them out.

What little things?

Well, when Miss Hunter left for the airport,
she was carrying hat, gloves and fur coat.

Not inappropriate,
considering the weather in London.

- Cream.
- No, sir, but it is for LA.

I don't follow you, Columbo.

Well, when she got into the limo,
she was carrying all that stuff,

and when she got out of the limo,
she was wearing it.

And I checked the temperature
down there at the LAX. degrees.

And here she is,
she's all bundled up like Greta Garbo.

- Why would she do that?
- Maybe it wasn't her.

Are you suggesting Dian got into
the limousine and somebody else got out?

Somebody that looked like her, sir.

All based on the fact that the person
who got out at the airport

was bundled up in a coat,
wearing dark glasses?

- Not entirely, sir. There was the g*nsh*t.
- What g*nsh*t?

Oh, didn't I tell you about the g*nsh*t?
Oh, yeah, there was a g*nsh*t.

You know how Miss Hunter
hates airline food.

Yeah, I know that.
What's it got to do with a g*nsh*t?

Well, when the chauffeur went into the
restaurant to pick up the basket of food,

he thought he heard a g*nsh*t.

- Thought he heard a g*nsh*t?
- We found the shell casing in the alley.

- Right near where the limo was parked.
- OK, there was a g*nsh*t.

You found the shell casing.

But what you're saying is,
when Cosner went into the restaurant,

somebody sh*t Dian,
put on her clothes, disposed of the body

and then took her place
on a flight to London?

It's a possibility, sir.

- You've read too many mystery stories.
- Oh, no, sir. I never read 'em.

I tried. Can't figure 'em out,

even after the detective
lays it all out in the end.

- I can believe that.
- It's like this case, sir.

I thought that this was a simple case
of a missing person.

But that g*nsh*t,
that's probable cause for a homicide.

- Do you own a g*n, sir?
- It's all an act with you, isn't it?

You're not the naive, bumbling detective
you pretend to be.

I'll bet you've already checked with g*n
registration and you know I own a g*n.

You got me there, sir.
I admit, I did check.

If I remember correctly, it was a.
calibre Beretta. Is that right? Oh, yeah.

Am I right in assuming that the shell
casing was from a. a*t*matic?

- That's right, sir.
- Naturally you would like to see mine.

If it's not too much trouble, sir.

No trouble at all, Lieutenant.
Come this way.

Oh, boy. Quite a collection.

Hold it, sir. Don't touch it.
The lab boys'll wanna check it for prints.

That's a. calibre all right.
And it's a Beretta.

Do you remember
the last time you fired this, sir?

I've never fired it.
I've never fired a g*n in my life, Columbo.

These are all just toys for boys,
bric-a-brac for the sophisticated bachelor.

Well, somebody's fired it, and recently.
Here. Smell it.

I smell it. I don't understand how anyone
could have gotten into my cabinet

with all the security around here,
that's what I don't understand.

But you can bet your badge
I'm gonna find out about it right now.

Now, if that's all,
I've got a magazine to get out.

I understand, sir.

I'm sorry, sir,
I took up so much of your time.

I'll get out of your hair
and let you go to work.

You know, I...
I really hate asking you this.

Could you come to the airport
this afternoon?

There's something there
I think you should see.

I hope this isn't gonna take
too long, Columbo.

It won't, sir. I promise.
LAPD.

- OK. All set.
- Have you had lunch, sir?

No, I haven't.

- Gumdrop?
- No, thanks.

(Buzzer sounds)

- Howdy.
- (Man) Afternoon, Lieutenant.

- Where are you taking me?
- It's right here, sir.

(Man) You can go on through.

This is the security control centre, like the
eyes and the ears of the whole terminal.

It's amazing. Everything that goes on,
you can see it right here.

Not very many people know this,
but if anybody goes to an airport today,

they're photographed
eight, ten, twelve times.

It's all part of that campaign
against international terrorism.

If there are no problems,
the tapes get erased after a few days.

Like these would have been
if I didn't put a hold on 'em.

- "Do not erase."
- Tapes of Dian, I presume.

Well, that's what I was hoping
you'd tell me, sir.

Is that your partner, sir?

- Is that Miss Hunter?
- It looks like her.

That's her coat, her hat, her scarf.

That's her vanity case. She had them
all with her when she left the chateau.

But is it her? Look carefully.

Now, this one they blew up for me.

Look very, very carefully.

(Sean) It is her.
There's no question about it. It's her jewellery.

That's her ring, and that's her bracelet.
We have identical bracelets.

Right down to the little button here
that switches off the beeper. Look closely.

- That's a beeper?
- Our paging beepers.

Since only Dian and I know the numbers,

when it beeps, we know who it is
and that it's important.

Well, that is very impressive, sir.

It's so light and thin,
you hardly know you're wearing it.

The beepers the police give you
are so big and clunky,

they pull your clothes all out of shape.

We avoided that problem. We had these
custom-made, as jewellery, you see.

- Simple, elegant and beautiful.
- Well, they certainly are beautiful.

Which is probably why Miss Hunter
decided to wear it to London.

There's no way you can beep her
in London, is there, sir?

No. If there was a way, I would.
I'd dial a message and have her call you.

You'd know she was alive and it'd put an
end to this g*nsh*t and double nonsense.

Do you see anything wrong
in that picture, sir?

- No.
- Nothing at all? Nothing unusual?

- No.
- Look closely, sir. Nothing wrong?

No. If you do, please say so and stop
playing games with me, Columbo.

The cream.

The cream, sir. The lady in that picture
is pouring cream in her coffee.

As you found out in my office,
Dian doesn't use cream in her coffee.

Which makes me think that the lady
in that picture is not Miss Hunter.

That means Miss Hunter
never got to London.

She never even got to the airport.

Something happened to her
before she got there.

What, Columbo?
What happened to her?

A half dozen witnesses
saw her walk down these stairs.

She was carrying her hat and her coat
and the rest of that stuff.

Hi there, ladies.

Now, she waved to a few guests
and then she saw you.

And you told her to
have a safe trip.

But the guests I spoke to said
the way you looked at each other,

it was obvious
there was trouble between you.

That's absurd.

There's no point in denying
that there was trouble between you.

You had words that afternoon.

You tried to persuade her not to go
to London, not to sell the magazine.

My life appears to be
an open book to you, Columbo.

Just a few hours of it, sir, a few hours
on the day that this woman vanished.

You'd be surprised how much I know
about what happened during those hours.

I'm beginning to get the feeling

you think I had something to do
with Dian's disappearance.

- Is that what you're implying?
- I'm not implying anything.

I'm asking you to help me, help me
figure out what happened to this woman.

It's a waste of time.
She's traipsing around Europe someplace.

- But I'm at your disposal, Columbo.
- Well, I appreciate that, sir.

Then Miss Hunter came out the front door.

A couple of guests here
saw her get into the limousine.

Would you mind getting in, sir?

- OK, Cosner. Let's go.
- Sir?

It's all right, Cosner.
Do whatever the lieutenant wants.

Yes, sir.

(Columbo) Now, the security guard
at the front gate, sir,

he logged Miss Hunter out at : .

She poured herself a drink and reminded
Cosner to stop at the restaurant.

- That correct, Cosner?
- Yes, sir.

(Columbo) About ten minutes later
they pulled into this alley here

and headed toward
the rear door of the restaurant.

- Correct, Cosner?
- That's correct, sir.

All right, Cosner, now do just what you did
exactly the way you did it the other night.

Very well, sir.

Mr Cosner goes through that door
into the kitchen.

He asks about Miss Hunter's food.

There is a brief exchange with the chef,

and at that point Cosner hears
what he thinks is a g*nsh*t.

He's worried about Miss Hunter's safety,

so he comes running
out to the alley again.

He looks up, he looks down,
and the alley is empty.

Apparently Miss Hunter is all right.
And he goes back into the kitchen.

He figures the bang that he just heard
was just a car backfiring.

But it was a g*nsh*t.
You found the shell casing.

That is true, sir.

He thought Dian was all right,
but was she?

Or was she sh*t
while Cosner was in the kitchen?

In my judgment, sir, she was sh*t.

No.

Oh, my God, no.
Columbo, I refuse to believe it.

I'm sorry, sir, but all the evidence
indicates that she was sh*t.

- And someone switched places with her.
- But who? How?

That's an interesting
puzzle, isn't it, sir?

It must have been someone who knew
Dian stopped here before the airport.

It would have to be
someone like that, yes, sir.

They waited until Cosner
went into the kitchen

and then pulled up in another car, but...
there couldn't have been another car.

This is an alleyway. It's a dead end. And,
anyway, Cosner would have seen the car.

That means the double...
the double must have been hiding

someplace here in the alley
and they waited until Dian arrived.

That thought occurred to me, too, sir.

A woman who looked like Dian
could have been behind that dumpster.

She waited till Cosner went in the kitchen
, came out from behind the dumpster,

moved very quickly to the rear of
the car, opens the door,

sh**t Miss Hunter, closes the door,
puts up the partition.

Now when Cosner comes out to look, the
alley is empty and the partition is up.

Cosner goes back into the kitchen.

The double makes the switch,

puts Miss Hunter's
body on the floor,

puts on her hat, sunglasses and
takes her place in the back seat.

Now Cosner comes out with the salmon.
He gets in the limo and they're off.

And that gives the double plenty of time
during the trip to the airport

to change into the rest
of Miss Hunter's clothes

and to get rid of the body.

Got rid of the body
on the way to the airport?

Cosner didn't see anybody
in the back seat

when he opened the door
for his passenger at the airport.

And you and I agree
that the lady pouring cream in her coffee

on the videotape wasn't Miss Hunter.

So that means, whoever she was,

she got rid of Miss Hunter's body
between the alley and the airport.

But how? One doesn't just open up a door
and pitch a body onto the freeway.

- No, sir, you hide it.
- Hide it where?

The body was hidden right here,
under this seat.

Right in that storage area.

Along with the m*rder w*apon.

Are you all right, sir?

I still can't believe Dian is dead.

Your logic seems irrefutable, Columbo,
but... I still can't believe she's dead.

Well, I can understand
how shocking this must be to you, sir.

Maybe you'd better sit down.

- Cosner.
- Sir?

Chateau.

- (Sean) What a world.
- (Columbo) Awful, isn't it?

- You feeling any better, sir?
- I'll be all right.

Well, you'll be home soon.
You'll be able to lie down.

Sir, I wanted to ask you, on your
front lawn, was that a llama that I saw?

Yes. Yes, it was.

I thought it was.
What does a thing like that cost?

I don't know. Expensive.

Oh, expensive, sure.
That's what I thought.

Did I tell you, sir, that the lab matched
up the g*n casing we found with your g*n?

No, you didn't, Columbo.
Along with my fingerprints, no doubt.

Yes, sir, fingerprints on the casing
and on the g*n.

Making me prime suspect, I suppose.

No, sir, you were swimming at the time.

We've got pretty girls
who'll testify to that.

Thank goodness for that.

And, of course,
we know the k*ller had to be a woman,

someone who could pass for Dian.

But what happened to Dian's body?

And how did the m*rder w*apon
get back inside my g*n cabinet?

After Cosner brought the car
back to the garage that night, sir,

the k*ller's accomplice -
and there had to be an accomplice, sir...

whoever that person was,
they removed the body and the g*n.

Then they hid the body somewhere
on the grounds of the chateau

and they returned the g*n
to your g*n cabinet.

- Oh, Cosner.
- Yes, Lieutenant.

- Would you stop at the garage, please?
- Yes, sir.

I don't believe it.
You have taken one or two incongruities

and worked out an elaborate m*rder plot
to support them.

- But your plot has holes in it, too.
- Like what, sir?

If Dian was sh*t in the back of the car,
wouldn't there be blood stains?

And a b*llet hole.

Blood stains. b*llet hole.

You know, that had me stumped, too,

until I saw the b*ll*ts in your g*n.

Glasers. They're designed not to penetrate
but to spread out and k*ll quick.

If the k*ller pressed the g*n
against Miss Hunter's chest,

chances are death
would have been instantaneous

and without a lot of external bleeding.

- You've got it all figured out.
- No, sir.

There's a lot of things about this case
I can't figure out.

Like where's the body? We know
it's here at the chateau. But where?

- How can you be so sure of that?
- Well, the lab boys found these hairs.

And you know where they found them?
Let me show you where.

Here. Right here, underneath this seat.

You know what that means?

That means that the k*ller
was never in the alley.

She was never hiding behind a dumpster.

She was here under this seat
the whole time.

She was under this seat before
Miss Hunter ever got into the limousine.

And when Cosner went into the kitchen,
the k*ller came out of her hiding place.

Miss Hunter tried to
get out of the car,

and it was at that point
that Miss Hunter was k*lled.

Come on, Columbo.
There's no way you can know that.

The hairs tell us that the k*ller
was underneath the bench.

The shell casing was found
outside the door.

So the door had to be open
when the sh*t was fired.

And these hairs, these other hairs,

they match up with hairs
on Miss Hunter's hairbrush.

So we know that Miss Hunter
was underneath this bench

when the limo came back to the chateau.

And if all this is right, then the
accomplice, whoever that might be,

waited until everyone was watching
the movie you showed that night

and then got rid of the body.
It's somewhere around here. But where?

- Where?
- Stop it.

Stop playing games. Come out
from behind that cigar smoke of yours.

You're saying
I conspired to m*rder my partner

and make it look like
she vanished in London,

but actually I have her buried
here in the chateau.

- That thought did occur to me.
- Obviously.

You're not a subtle man.
You pretend to be, but you're not.

So let's drop the pretence right now.

You think Dian's buried here,
then you find the body.

Bring in bulldozers.
Bulldoze all five and a half acres.

Why don't you tear down the main house?

You find the body,
and then you find my accomplice.

Then you prove me a k*ller, Columbo.

Prove it.

(Man) OK, I want
two guys over there.

Well, well, well, ladies.
Let's take a look at this.

(Metal detector bleeps)

You're wasting your time, Columbo.

(Women giggling)

(woman) Come on in.

Well! What can we do for you, honey?

Oh, gee, I... I was looking
for Miss Hunter's suite.

Well, she's in the north wing.
This is the south.

Uh-huh. Oh, well, thank you.

- Sorry to have bothered you.
- Bye.

- Bye!
- Come back and see us.

(Giggling)

(man # ) Did you
see that game last night?

(Man # ) Great.

Hand me that trowel.

(Knocking and scraping)

Howdy.

(Reporters asking questions)

Mr Brantley, is your relationship
with Miss Hunter strictly business?

- How long has Miss Hunter been missing?
- She's not missing.

- Why are they searching the chateau?
- Is it true you two had a fight?

- No.
- Are you meeting the chief of police?

I'll tell you what. Ask the police officer
conducting the investigation.

Lieutenant Columbo. That's him
over there, the man in the raincoat.

I can't... I can't answer
any questions at this time.

- Is there more than one body?
- I cannot answer any questions.

How did you people
know about this so soon?

I notified them, in the hope that when Dian
reads what you are doing to the chateau,

she'll come home
and put a stop to this lunacy.

I can assure you, sir, there is
nothing I would like better. Sorry.

I can't answer any questions at this time.

The mayor is concerned about this
media blitz. It's huge. Well, take today.

In addition to network TV, cable, all of
Europe, the Koreans have showed up.

- Korean TV. Can you imagine?
- Excuse me, Herb.

Let me just cut to the bottom line here.

There are reporters in the hall
every day. I can't go to the bathroom.

The world is watching
the LA Police Department

to see if you're gonna find a body
and arrest the m*rder*r.

Now here's the point.
What happens if you don't find a body?

- We think we will, sir.
- You think you will?

Well, let's just suppose
that there was no m*rder.

I mean, what the hell is going on here?
Is there a body?

- We think there is, sir.
- You think there is?

Well, gentlemen, I'll tell you,
this is something that will not go away.

Oh, Lord. Here they come.

Let's just duck in here, please.

All right. As I was saying,
this story is gonna mushroom.

If you come up empty, I'm gonna look bad,
but nothing compared to...

- Excuse me.
- Let him out, Herb.

I'm gonna look bad,
but nothing compared to you.

The LA police'll be a national joke.

Johnny Carson'll see to that.
So here's a word to the wise.

If any of you have any doubts about
being able to successfully solve this case,

I beg you, think long and hard about
the wisdom of dropping it right now.

- We're convinced we're on the right track.
- Absolutely. I'm convinced.

We have our best man on the case
and he's convinced.

- Have you read the report, sir?
- I didn't, but Herb did and...

I read a summary. Alan, who was
supposed to be here, read the whole thing,

but he's at a Bar Mitzvah,
so he couldn't...

Tell the mayor how you discovered the
real Dian Hunter never got on that plane.

- You tell him.
- No, no, no. How did you find out?

- Wait till you hear this.
- Well, I got lucky.

I overheard two people say Dian Hunter
never takes cream in her coffee.

So?

Well, sir, are you aware
that down at the airport

they have these TV screens
to monitor the people?

- Yes.
- Did you know they have of 'em?

- ?
- Yeah. They got 'em all over.

They got 'em in the corridors,
they got 'em in the waiting-room areas,

by the security
where the people check the bags.

- So what?
- Well, I went down to check the tapes.

- You checked all ?
- All .

Did you know that she didn't take cream
before you looked at the tapes?

No, sir, I didn't know what I was
looking for. I was just poking around.

Then you looked at tapes on spec.

Yeah. That's why I said I got lucky.

I looked at the tape at night.
She's pouring cream.

The very next day I happen to hear
the two people closest to her

say she never takes cream.

- That's pretty good.
- I told you.

A real beaver. He did.

Before you get carried away with the
cream and coffee, here's the bottom line.

The prime suspect, this Sean character,

was swimming in front of witnesses
at the time of the sh*t.

He couldn't have done it alone.
He had to have an accomplice.

Without which, you have no case.

- Is that true?
- Well...

- I got the accomplice.
- You got the accomplice?

- You got the accomplice?
- I know who it is.

(TV) The "Bachelor's World" chateau.

- There you are. You're on every channel.
- I see.

- You're on the news.
- Uh-huh.

- (Man speaks Japanese)
- This is the Japanese channel.

- El señor Brantley...
- Spanish TV, too.

Hmm.

Look. They got that sh*t of me in here.
Did you see me in that one?

- You look nice.
- You look beautiful. So beautiful.

So beautiful.

- (Knocking)
- Come in.

Oh, excuse me, sir.
I didn't mean to intrude.

You're not intruding, Columbo.
Come in.

We're reading about you in newspapers
from all over the world.

You're famous.
Look. You're on television.

It would have been better for your career
if you'd actually found something.

Oh, I've got something, sir.
There's no question about it.

On the theory that Dian Hunter's double

was someone who either worked
or lived at the chateau,

I got pictures of every blonde
closest to her description from Security.

There were only four of 'em.

This one was on a yacht in Rio de Janeiro

and these two had alibis, leaving...

- Tina.
- Me?!

Oh, no, Columbo.
Tina was at the party all night.

No, sir. I checked. No one remembers
seeing Tina after Dian Hunter left.

You can't expect everyone
to remember where they were.

Lots of people remembered
where you were.

I got a whole book load of people
who remember that.

But no one remembers seeing Tina
after Dian left.

In fact, no one remembers seeing Tina
for hours after that.

- What are you getting at, Columbo?
- You didn't sleep here for two nights.

hours.

That's enough time
for Tina to fly to London as Dian

and come back as somebody else.

And that night
when the car was back in the garage,

you, Mr Brantley,
were seen leaving the movies,

and that's when
you disposed of the body.

The body you haven't been able
to find, Columbo.

And there's one more thing, sir.

Do you remember
the blonde hair I showed you

that we found in the back seat of the limo?

The lab matched that up
with hairs from her comb.

Along with hairs from most of the other
nymphs, Columbo. Isn't that right?

Look at this child, Columbo.

Look at this face.
Is this the face of a k*ller?

You believe I could persuade this beautiful
young creature to m*rder anyone?

People do all kinds of
things for love, sir.

Nonsense.

We're suspects because someone from
your ordinary middle-class background

believes immoral people like Tina and I
are capable of anything, including m*rder.

No. You're suspects because
all the evidence indicates you're guilty.

- Then why don't you arrest us?
- Cos I can't.

I know you did it,
but without a body I can't prove it.

Then you'd better keep looking.

Bring in bulldozers.
Level the place. Go on.

The newspapers'll love it.
I'll love it. The magazine'll love it.

Go on, Columbo.
Make me happy.

(Sniffs)

(Tina sighs)

What do you want?

I just wanna know where you were
for that hours.

(Sunbathers exclaim)

Towel, Lieutenant?

Columbo.

This just arrived from Dian.

See the postmark?
Milan. Last Wednesday.

If you don't believe me
and you want proof that Dian's alive,

take this to your experts, along with
these samples of Dian's handwriting.

I'll do that, sir.
Thank you, sir. Thanks a lot.

- Well, we've finally seen the last of him.
- Wanna bet?

Mr Brantley, do you have a minute?

You win.

I'm sorry, Columbo. Some other time.

Uh, it's rather important, sir.

All right, get in. Get in.

(Woman) Here, over here. Sit there.

- Hi.
- There we are.

- Who is this guy?
- Hello. How are you?

- I didn't know he was coming.
- Maybe I'll just sit on the edge here.

If you just... There we go. Thank you.

Ooh! There we are.

Thank you very much.

- OK.
- Where are we going, Mr Brantley?

- We're going on a shopping spree.
- All right!

- Yeah!
- I guess you're coming along.

Off we go.
We're off to spend some money.

Columbo, you're gonna have some fun.
Follow me. Girls, all stick together now.

OK, darlings, you've got exactly
two minutes. On your marks, get set, go!

(Squealing)

I love it. I love watching them
trying to bankrupt me.

Fat chance of that, thanks to the boost
you've given the magazine.

Too bad Dian sent that postcard.
I could have milked this for a week.

Funny you should say that.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

The boys in handwriting, sir,

they can't confirm that the writing
on this postcard belongs to Miss Hunter.

- They say it's inconclusive.
- Well, that's wonderful news.

Attention, darlings!
You've one bonus minute of shopping.

And members of the press,
I have a bonus for you too.

Lieutenant Columbo has new evidence
concerning the disappearance

of my beloved partner, Dian Hunter.

- What is the new evidence?
- Have you got your statement ready?

Why don't you handle them?
You do it better than I do.

- What can you tell us at this time?
- It concerns a postcard Miss Hunter sent.

I can't say much more than that.

Listen, I hate to keep
bothering you like this,

but if you'll just tell me
where you were during those hours...

(Columbo clears throat)

I really hate to keep
bothering you this way,

but I just gotta know
where you were all that time.

You hate to keep bothering me?

If you hate bothering me so much,
why don't you stop it?

I think I will.

These men are taking you in
for questioning.

I think you're right, this way is better.

- Come along, ma'am.
- Hold her by the car, fellas.

I'll be right with you.

- (Columbo) Mr Brantley?
- I'm in here.

Look at these headlines, Columbo,
in papers from all over the world.

From places where the magazine
isn't even sold but soon will be,

and it's all thanks to you.

They're putting her in handcuffs?
What are you doing?

She's a suspect in a homicide.

I have a warrant to that effect
and I'm taking her in for questioning.

Columbo, what is the matter with you?
I've tried to reason with you.

I've tried persuading you, cooperated
with you, but I've never begged.

Now I'm begging you. Don't subject this young
girl to this humiliation. It's not fair.

I appreciate your concern,
but there's nothing I can do.

Columbo, you're the most stubborn man
I have ever met.

There's nothing I can do about that, sir.

What can I do to stop you
from this insane behaviour?

Tell the truth.

Look. Look, this arrived this morning,
in a carrier, from Cartier in Florence.

Look at this.
It's a beautiful antique clock.

And there's a card that goes with it.
Look. Look at the card.

"Darling, having a shopping spree
of my own. Love, Dian."

That handwriting looks just like
the handwriting on the postcard.

- (Phone rings)
- Don't go.

Are you absolutely certain?

You are certain.

Columbo.

I tried to tell you, Lieutenant.

In conclusion, I would like
to thank Lieutenant Columbo,

who managed to solve a m*rder
that never even happened

and left no chateau flowerbed unprobed.

In fact, it was Lieutenant Columbo's
zealousness and dedication

that made worldwide headlines
of my idle wanderings.

It was those same headlines
that convinced me

to catch the next plane home.

A toast.

To Lieutenant Columbo.

My saviour.

Lieutenant, I've really got to hand it to you,
you are a brilliant detective. I mean that.

The way you gathered all the evidence,
followed up with all the clues

and solved a m*rder that never happened.

Brilliant. Here's to brilliance.

No, sir. It was you and Miss Hunter
that were brilliant.

You used me to get a lot of free publicity.

You made a fool out of me.

But I gotta hand it to
you, you did it well.

Come on, Columbo. Don't take it so bad.
You win some, you lose some.

Now you wanna tell me where you were?

I was with a very famous producer
at his place in Malibu.

The end of a perfect day.

I will admit, Dian, you had me worried.

I was sure this bastard partner of yours
had done you in.

The truth is, Sir Harry,
I went away to give myself time

to make sure I really wanted
to sell Bachelor's World.

And?

I've decided not to sell,
at least not at your price.

My offer's fair.
It's what the magazine's worth.

Was worth, Sir Harry.

According to this issue's
circulation figures,

the magazine is worth
twice what it was last week.

Due entirely to your disappearance,
rumours of foul play,

Lieutenant Columbo's speculation.

And the next issue will be even bigger.
My future bride bears all.

Again.

All right. I'll up my offer
by two million dollars.

Save your breath, Matthews.
The magazine's not for sale.

Not dollars. Up it by two million pounds
and we may have a deal.

I'll be at your office
at ten tomorrow to discuss it.

No need to worry about your future, Sean.
I'm a generous man.

I'll give you a month
to pack up your trollops

and vacate this overpriced bordello.

(Woman) Looking good.

I get two goes again.

Shopping spree
leaves in ten minutes, girls.

Come in.

You're really thinking about selling,
aren't you?

You know, I've been thinking
about selling for a long time.

The only reason I went along
with your disappearance scheme

was just to milk more money
out of Sir Harry.

Are you so stupid you think that I did it
just to increase circulation?

You still haven't figured it out yet,
have you, sweetheart?

How long do you think I'd let you
thr*aten me with selling to that swine?

I've been thinking.

I've been thinking how wonderful life
would be if you just disappeared. Forever.

(Neck cracks)

(zipping)

- Night, Miss Hunter.
- Night.

How much did it cost
to dig up the chateau?

- I don't know.
- We don't need an exact figure.

Is it true Johnny Carson
is doing a skit on the LAPD?

- What paper do you work for?
- Why? You looking for a job?

Very funny.

Did the mayor recommend
you drop the case?

What are the chances
that Sean'll sue the city?

(Woman) Yes, that's a good question.

- She what?
- She's disappeared again.

- Again?
- Again.

Again.

Excuse us, folks.
We've just had a tiny emergency.

Nothing big, nothing important.
We'll be right back.

They found an abandoned car.
Sir Harry Matthews called.

She missed an important meeting.
The woman has disappeared, gone.

Listen, I don't wanna get burnt again.

Whatever happens,
keep Columbo away from that chateau.

He's not to go near that place.

- That's an order, you hear?
- That's an order.

- (Screeching tyres)
- Hey.

Hey! Slow down, Lieutenant!

Morning.

Columbo? Columbo?

In here.

Thank God you're here.
Dian's missing again.

I called the police, but I was concerned
they might send someone else.

That's nice to hear, sir.
Sir Harry Matthews also called

when Miss Hunter didn't show up at his
office this morning for that meeting.

Making me once again
the prime suspect, I suppose.

Oh, no, sir.
I'm sure you have a perfect alibi.

Thank God. I last saw Dian just before
I went out for a shopping spree.

Well, Dian Hunter was logged
out of the main gate

just about the time you and all the girls
were on your shopping spree,

so you have a perfect alibi again, sir.

I am impressed by your quick grasp
of the situation.

I was worried that you might
accuse me of foul play.

You don't have to worry about that, sir,
even though I know

that the woman driving Miss Hunter's car
last night was not Miss Hunter.

What?

It wasn't her.

This is a videotape of the surveillance
camera at the front gate.

There's no doubt about it, that is Dian.

Don't you see something missing
in that picture, sir?

- (Sean) What's missing?
- Where's her bracelet?

Like the bracelet that matches yours, sir.
Where is it on that picture?

She forgot to wear it.
She probably left it at home.

Well, why would she do that, sir? The last
time she wore it all the way to Europe.

Besides, I just checked her jewellery box.
It's not there.

- More importantly, where's Dian?
- You got me, sir.

The only thing we have to go on is
we found her car in a tow-away zone,

oh, maybe four blocks from where
you and the girls were shopping.

So, once again,
Dian's missing and I'm suspect.

The only thing I suspect, sir,
is that you and Dian

are setting me up to solve another
perfect crime that never happened.

Columbo, do you think Dian and I
are capable of such a diabolical scheme?

Oh, yes, sir, I'm sure of it.

You two left a string of false clues
that really had me convinced.

I don't know what you're talking about.

There was that terrific scene,

that emotional argument
that you and Miss Hunter played

for the benefit of her secretary,
knowing it was being recorded

and that she would overhear it
and wanna tell somebody about it.

There was the sh*t in the alley.
I got that one wrong.

I thought the double
fired the sh*t into Miss Hunter.

But it was Miss Hunter
that fired the sh*t into the air

so that they would hear
it in the kitchen.

Then we would find
your shell casing in the alley.

And then that coffee-and-cream thing Miss
Hunter did for the cameras at the airport.

That was a good clue,
but the real convincer,

that was those hairs
that you planted in the back seat.

That proved there had to be a double
and that the body had to be at the chateau.

Which, of course, it wasn't.
I told you that many times.

But you knew I would have to bring in
an army to search a place this size.

I gotta hand it to you,
you did it all beautifully.

And I really believed it.

Of course, if I hadn't,
neither would the press,

and then you wouldn't have got
all those headlines

and a few million more people
to buy your magazine.

- Which they did.
- Which caused Sir Harry to up his price.

Which is why Miss Hunter,
quote, agreed to disappear.

She underestimated you, didn't she, sir?

It never occurred to her
that you were setting her up

to be an accomplice to her own m*rder.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The first time she disappeared
was all play-acting.

- But this time you k*lled her, sir.
- Why? Why would I do that?

To get control of her magazine.

Your articles of incorporation
provide that if either party

is incapacitated for days or longer,

the other partner
has sole power of attorney.

So even if the body is never found,
you've got control of the magazine.

- That's nonsense.
- There's no point in denying it, sir.

You k*lled her, you hid the body,
you sent everybody on a shopping spree

so one of your nymphs could double
as Dian without being missed.

Probably that girl Tina,
who thinks you're gonna marry her.

OK, Columbo, you think I k*lled her?
Then you find the body. Start digging.

Oh, no, sir. You know that with all the
bad publicity the police department got,

you know I can't
tear this place apart again.

You put me in the position
of the little boy who cried wolf.

I gotta hand it to you.
You committed the perfect crime.

There's no way I can convince you
you're wrong, is there?

- You know why you can't?
- No. Why?

You see that?
She's wearing Miss Hunter's mink coat.

Now see this.

Look at these fur coats, all in bags.

And the lady in that convertible
is wearing Miss Hunter's coat.

But where's the empty storage bag?
There's one missing. Where is it?

- I give up. Where is it?
- You know that better than anybody, sir.

The body's in the storage bag, to keep it
from smelling when it decomposes.

Enough, Columbo! I've had it
with you and your fantastic accusations!

- Now get the hell out of here!
- I'm sorry, sir.

I don't blame you for being angry.

Before I go, sir,
do you mind if I use your phone?

Go ahead.

(Columbo dials number)

Don't worry, sir. It's a local call.

Thank you, sir.
Sorry to bother you.

(Bleeping)

Did you hear that?

(Bleeping continues)

Qué pasó, señor? No sé lo que es.

(bleeping continues)

When I didn't see Miss Hunter's beeper

on whoever it was who drove
through the main gate last night,

and I couldn't find it in her jewellery
box, I figured you left it on her body.

I got the number
from the mobile-phone company.

And you just saw me dial in my message.