10x06 - A Bird in the Hand ...

[bunniefuu]

Come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Thanks.

Thirty-four red.

Let's get ready.

Okay, baby.

Come on, come on, come on.

See that seven, okay.
Let's see that seven.

- Craps. Snake eyes.
- Oh.

Sir.

I'm in. What have you got?

Mr. Hacker!
What brings you down to Vegas?

Game on tonight?

Friend of mine said he spotted...

a guy here.

Guy? Well, maybe I can help.

What the hell? Where'd he go?

The gentleman sitting there,
he'll be back in a minute, sir.

Forgot to make a phone call.

I'm keeping an eye
on his winnings for him.

Is it McCain that you're looking for?
Harold McCain?

Sir, I don't think you should...

His winnings?

How much did he owe you?

None of your damn business.

But I'll bet you people
give him credit, too.

Well, it's courtesy of the house,
maybe, considering who he is.

- Come on!
- All right.

But I know he's given the boss some
solid tips about some football games.

I mean, his uncle being who he is,

anyone that close to the horse's mouth,
to Big Fred himself.

Slow down, you dumb blasted...

Well, wouldn't you know.

Uncle Fred.

Hey, Uncle Fred! Hey!

Fred!

Hey, what the hell's the matter with you, huh?
What, are you going deaf?

Can't you even jog
where there's sidewalks?

- Hey, will you turn those...
- Get your hands off, I can hear you!

All right!

Well, what brings you back?
They throw you out of Tijuana?

No horses running at Caliente?

Or did you get bit
in the dogfights in Arizona?

Take it easy, will ya?

Well, where have you been?
Dolores has been worried, I don't know why.

San Francisco.

Public relations firm
up there I may go to work for.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Why didn't you just stay up there?
Go get 'em.

Stay after something
for once in your life?

So, I came back to
get my laundry, okay?

Pick up my mail at my shack.

Maybe see the game this afternoon?
Any objection?

Harold, you're not in trouble again.
Because if you are,

you can damn well put the bite
on somebody else!

For God's sake!
Give me a little credit, will ya?

All right, you can stick around a while,
a couple of days if you have to.

Just so long as you understand,

nothing has changed here,
including my mind.

So, you're still sore at me, huh?

What, so we had a...
So, we fought a little bit last week.

You better get your heap out of here
before somebody creams it.

Come on, I'll give you a ride. Come on.
Uncle Fred!

Wake up the echoes cheering her name

Send a volley cheer on high...

Harold!

Hey, I see Big Fred
finally got his baby carriage.

Oh, Harold, I've been
so worried about you...

Lousy license, though.
Stallions number one.

They're - ! Doesn't he know
there's fans out there...

that would sh**t at
a plate like that?

Oh, he'd just think it was funny,
or sh**t back maybe.

It's all part of the game.

Harold, those people that
you're in trouble with...

- You don't think that they...
- Hey, I don't know what they'd do.

And I don't intend to find out.

Oh, my poor baby.
Drink some orange juice.

That's a little strong for me.

Hey, you. Watch it.

The gardener's here already.
Didn't you notice?

Fernando is not just a gardener.

But he is starting to
prune the back hedge today.

The one way back.

And there's no one else in the house.

Fred's probably in the shower by now.

Hey, look.

Yeah, I talked to Fred already, Dolores.
He hasn't changed his mind, has he?

About throwing me out
or cutting me off any way he can.

Well, unless you can persuade him
that you've given up gambling...

and your other little vices.

He wasn't always so damn pure.

He didn't always own
a football team, Harold.

He really can't let people think
that he's even remotely mixed up in...

Yeah, well, I will quit. I told you, okay?
Just as soon as I catch up, okay?

And I might have, too, if it wasn't...

God! It stinks! Just forget it.

How much did you round up for me?

I'm afraid $ , is all I can manage
without Fred finding out.

But my pink pearls...

He never notices
whether I wear them or not.

- He never notices anything anymore.
- No, Dolores.

I got a couple better ideas.

Oh, Harold, promise me that
you won't do anything desperate.

Oh, but I might.

There! You see that?
That's a late hit.

Bertie, get me the replay guy!

- They won't take calls in the replay...
- They'll take mine, damn it!

Here, Honey, hit me again, will ya?

Sure will, honey.

Haven't done well against the Elks'
defensive secondary.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Is that the Stallions kicking team?

Hey, look, we're going to kick!

On third down? Get me the bench!

I'm already trying.

Tell 'em to pass! Pass!

You can't pass without a quarterback.

Why didn't you buy me a better backup?

We're only down by , Uncle Fred.

We're -point underdogs.
We're b*ating the spread.

That's something.

Yeah. Well, spreads are for losers
like you, kid. Me, I like to win.

Back to pass on first down.
And he has ground open in the end zone!

Touchdown!

I think that may be all for the
Stallions this afternoon, Don.

If Garcia's extra point is good,
that'll put the Stallions down by .

This looks like a wrap, Don.

I think you're right, Chris.

Wait a minute, there's activity on
the Stallions' sideline.

That's who I think it is, but I don't
expect we'll see him any this afternoon.

Now, it's the Elks to kick off...

and it's caught
at the -yard line by Banks...

and he is to the -yard line.
First-and-ten, Stallions.

Look! It's him! It's Clyde!

Who?

Oh, Clyde! Clyde Windowski!

Our number one pick.
Hasn't really played much yet.

Oh, Mrs. McCain, he's the most
gorgeous hunk you ever saw.

Only he's had this
terrible twisted ankle.

He sure looks cured to me!

Touchdown, Stallions!

The extra point is good.
Stallions now trail by .

Now, receiving the kick-off
for the Stallions...

and it is dropped!

That's Crawford scrambling to recover.
And he's got the ball! Touchdown, Stallions!

Kid is good.

We might have a real upset on our hands.

Davis back to pass, looking for
Cartwright. Intercepted!

He has Ashcroft out
of the backfield.

Touchdown, Stallions!

They've done it!
They've come from behind!

Harold! Did you see me, buddy?

How about that?
I did it, man! We won!

Oh, wait till my mother hears
about this.

- Did you see me?
- Did I see you?

What the hell happened?
I thought you said you couldn't possibly play.

I thought you said
the doctors said you couldn't...

Sure, but you know what?

I stuffed some extra pills at halftime.

When I get 'em to poke and
twist at me, I didn't even blink.

- I didn't feel it! Hey!
- You damn fool.

I don't care what it feels
like tomorrow.

Now they know what I can do.
Now they can't drop me!

Jeez, buddy, you didn't bet on
the game, did you?

Get out of here. Idiot!

Hello.

Who is this?

Three guesses.

McCain, this is
the seventh time I've called...

and it's gonna be my last.

Hey, Hacker!
Hey, I'm glad you got me.

Hey look, I'm sorry I had
to cut out on you the other night,

but I had to come hold my uncle's hand.

Anyway, I told him about you.

You what?

Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

Just want you to know
that he's gonna help out.

Everything's gonna be fine.

I don't believe you!

Big Fred would
take your head off if he knew.

We can't talk about
this on the phone. You know that.

But, hey, I'll be up next week
and we'll straighten everything out.

You better, if you wanna stay in one piece.

Where the hell is it?

Oh, man.

Hey, Honey, wait, wait. I got it.
I'm up. I got it.

Hello? Hello?

Harold?

Bertie! Hey, what's up?
Where are you?

Surf club, where I'm supposed to be.

Coaches' breakfast. Only where's your uncle?
I thought you might know.

I've been calling the house for minutes,
but there's no answer, not even Dolores.

Hey, Bertie, I don't know,

I mean, he's gotta be on his way.
Where else could he be?

Look at your watch. He's an hour late.

Harold, I've never known him
to be late anywhere.

Well, maybe he had a flat tire or something.
But, hey... Sure, I'll check!

Thanks.

Yeah.

Keep moving. Keep it going.

Keep it moving.

They say a jogger just got hit over there.

Hey, what happened?

They say a jogger got hit by a car.
A definite hit-and-run.

All right, come on, keep it moving.

Harold!

Quick! Harold!

They're taking him to the hospital.

You have to come with me.
Oh, thank God you're here.

It's her husband? Big Fred McCain?

We just brought her over from their house.

Well, how badly hurt is he?

They found him lying in the street
over there next to that broken glass.

He's been dead maybe an hour, they say.
Dangerous place to jog.

It's okay.

Hold it!

That's all right, Charlie. That's
Mrs. McCain and Big Fred's nephew.

Listen, don't let anybody else in, okay?
I'll be back in a couple minutes.

I'll tell you how to handle everything.

All right, Dolores. Come on.
Let's get you in the house. Come on.

Okay. Okay.

Here you go.

What the hell?

Hey! Hey! What are you doing?

Oh, excuse me, sir, I was...

- I was just looking for the registration.
- Who the hell are you? Get out!

It's all right, sir. I'm only the police.

Hey, that's Mrs. McCain, isn't it?

Oh, that poor lady.

From the police, ma'am.
I'm Lieutenant Columbo.

Columbo?

Yes, ma'am, but
you can call me Lieutenant.

I'll get out of your way.

Lieutenant? Does that mean you're
in charge of those guys out there?

Well, sir, not exactly, no.

This is my husband's nephew, Harold.

Oh, yes. I've seen your picture too,
sir, maybe in the Enquirer.

I'm sorry I startled you...

No problem.

- It's just a funny place to park.
- It's okay. Come on, Dolores.

Come on. Let me get you into the house.

You know, Fred...

My husband must have moved it
there last night.

He does that sometimes, when he's
gonna leave early in the morning.

He knows that I like to sleep late...

It's not important, Dolores.

- It's not important.
- No, no. The car is not important.

Come on. Let me get
you out of the heat, all right?

You can come into the house, too,
if you like, Lieutenant.

No, sir, I think I'll stay here.

Sergeant Duran!

I think she can help you
better than I can at this point.

And if there's any questions,
I'll direct them to you, Mr. McCain.

Fine.

- Could you help the lady in, sergeant?
- Of course.

You coming, Harold?

It's all right, sir, you can go in.
I won't need you just yet.

I'll be in in a minute, Dolores.

Hey, why would you need me at all?
Your job here is to keep people away, isn't it?

Oh, the traffic boys, they handle that.
No, sir, I'm just waiting for more of my crew.

Look at that. Even the tires are custom.

Oh, I don't mind admitting, sir,
this buggy sure caught my eye.

See, I got a foreign car, too.
It's French.

I don't know if you noticed it.
It's parked down there in the street?

- No, I didn't.
- Oh.

What is your job, Lieutenant?

Homicide.

On a hit-and-run case?

Oh, don't let that worry you, sir.
And particularly not Mrs. McCain.

But the violent death of anyone
as well-known as Big Fred,

we gotta look into it,
just to make double-triple sure, that's all.

Besides, our chief...

He's the biggest Stallions fan in Los Angeles,
if you understand what I'm saying.

- I guess so.
- Yeah.

That's your crew now, right?

No, no, no, no.
That's the accident detail.

There must be a dozen of 'em
in the neighborhood by now.

But, you know, I was just thinking.

When the people start
trampling around here,

we don't want 'em poking into this.

There's gotta be some button
you can push to lock the doors.

Yeah, that's a good idea.
Yeah, this was Uncle Fred's pride and joy.

Yeah. And if we have to move it,
I'm sure we can find a key.

Okay, there's his.
Now, where's hers?

Oh, damn it, Dolores.

Early? You say you got here early?

Oh, si. Still dark.
I'm pruning a hedge in the back.

Did you see anybody?

That early?

Nobody gets up that early
in this neighborhood.

Except after a while. Mr. McCain,
he is always the first jogger.

Did you talk with him?

No. We just waved to each other, that's all.

- And where was that?
- Across the back street.

He come around the block.
In the front, I guess.

Mostly he goes the same way.

Around and around the empty streets.
Always alone.

Now, excuse me, I take
these things to my truck.

Wait, Fernando. I didn't see a truck.
Where'd you park?

I park out in the street.

That's the way it is when he
parks his car in the driveway.

Where's Columbo?

I can't get him on his beeper?
Where is he?

- Sir.
- Columbo. Get him on your horn.

Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
Detective Robertson is here.

If you can hear me
please answer your beeper.

You wanna bet he doesn't even carry one?

Lieutenant Columbo,
can you hear me, sir?

Detective Robertson is here.
Now, in the driveway.

Lieutenant! Lieutenant Columbo!

Sir, you... Sir!

My truck! Lieutenant!

Lieutenant, they...

My truck! My truck is gone!
They stole my truck!

Not only my lawn mower
and my blower, my tools,

even the whole truck!

All right, now, take it easy, Fernando.
Maybe somebody just moved it.

No, sir. I was the first one here,
and I didn't see anything parked out there.

What kind of truck was it?

Not so new.

The license is J- ?

That's mine. Have you seen it?

Ditched it in an alley
about four blocks down.

That's what I came up here
to tell you, Columbo.

It's got a few dents, a busted headlight,
some spots that might be blood.

They're loading it on a flatbed
now to take downtown.

Blood! No! It couldn't be my truck,
the one that...

Can you reach him on your radio?

Any reason why they can't swing
around this way?

That's it! That's my truck!

That's it! That's mine!

You can get up there, Fernando.
Just don't touch anything.

What do you want him to look for?

Anything that's missing or different.
We'll check the blood spots.

Oh, Mr. McCain!

I thought you should know Mrs. McCain's
feeling a little better now.

The pills seem to help.

She'd like to see you,
I think, when you can.

Oh, yeah, of course.

When I can.

In an area like this, gardeners hate
to park their rigs on the street.

We get calls a week at Robbery.

It's mostly kids, hard up newcomers,
immigrants, that do the stealing.

Hoping to set themselves up
in business as gardeners.

Only, in this case, whoever stole that rig
must've hit Big Fred. He panicked.

He dumped the truck.
He ran with whatever he could carry.

Is that what you're saying?

Well, aren't you?

Well, I guess so, if the blood type matches.

Well, come on, I'll give you
a ride down to the lab.

We'll have this thing
wrapped in no time flat.

Oh, I've got my own car.
I'll meet you there.

Lieutenant?

They said I should check in with you.

That's him.

- You're the Lieutenant?
- Lieutenant!

This is Bertie Sopkowitz.
He's the general manager for the Stallions.

This is Lieutenant Columbo.

Hey, look, I gotta get my car outta here.
You mind backing up a little, sir?

You have to stop there, boys!

Hey! Hey, wait a minute.
Officer, they can't come in here.

It's okay, Lieutenant, just a
pool camera from our own network.

Nothing released until you say so.

They got clearance from downtown, sir.
You know, Big Fred loved publicity.

That's the least we can do for him now.
Only can't we get rid of this traffic jam?

- What's in the way?
- Uh, the Rolls.

Well, Harold, can't you move the Rolls?

Oh, Mrs. McCain thought
it should be moved, too,

but she couldn't find her keys.
She's still so confused.

She's looking for her husband's keys now.

I have one key.

For when I wash it. I'll move it.

Oh, that'll loosen it up. Once he
gets it out of here we'll be all right.

I hope so. A couple more cars,
we'll be backed out the gate.

Fernando! Put it in the garage!

Si, señor. Right away.

Mr. McCain, look at this.

Scratch marks.

That's right. And they're fresh,

and we just happened to notice that
they seem to be pointed toward...

the blast area there,
under the front seat.

So, what are they?
What made 'em? You know?

I don't know.
Maybe they were already here.

Maybe there's no connection.

You see the truth is, I can't
really tell which way they're pointed,

and of course, that pipe b*mb...

Pipe b*mb?

That could blow things in any direction.

You sure that's what it was?

Oh, yeah. The lab's already confirming it.

They even got the formula
for the powder they used.

A pipe b*mb, that's a pretty
sophisticated w*apon, isn't it?

Well, some of 'em.
They can be pretty simple.

Like this was a kind
that's been used in the Middle East,

and they have articles
with diagrams in magazines.

You might have seen one of
these magazines yourself in a...

Oh, I don't know, a barber shop, maybe?

No, my hairdresser
only supplies music, Lieutenant.

What about fingerprints? They find any?

On a door, maybe?
Or the hood? Underneath somewhere?

As a matter of fact, no. Not a single one.
But then, they tell me the car was just washed.

But there wouldn't be any
fingerprints, would there?

Because a pro would have worn gloves, right?

Yes, sir, I guess he would.

Yeah. And who else but a pro...

could have gotten in here
to even plant the b*mb?

Now, you said that there was
no obvious signs of break-in.

Now, with all those seeing eyes in the fences,
and the triple locks on the gates,

security patrol cars outside. I tell you something.
Take a real expert to break into this place.

Oh, I agree, sir. You got it figured right.
That's sure the way it looks.

Looks?

That it came from the outside.
A mob gangster, that's what you're saying.

Well, that's the way it looks.

As opposed to an acquaintance
that would come from the inside.

What are you getting at?

That someone who knew the grounds...

could figure out
a simpler way to get in or out.

Yeah? Like how?

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe knowing someplace to hide...

before they locked the security gates.

Huh.

Would you do me a favor?

What?

Would you put your thinking cap on...

and come up with names of people
who are familiar with the grounds...

and might have had
something against Big Fred?

Listen, Lieutenant. You know,
I would love to make this easy for you,

but unfortunately, my Uncle Fred
never left me a list of his enemies.

And quite frankly, right now I'm so busy...

trying to get my poor aunt through
this whole damn thing...

I appreciate that, sir. But
I gotta tell you one little thing.

Sergeant Duran, she came up with
something this morning...

in that garbage can out back there.

It's a pair of cotton gloves.
They're dirty, but they smell of gasoline.

Now, do you think that a real pro...

would dump his gloves in the garbage here?

Oh, those are probably mine, Lieutenant.
Let me see.

Oh, well, of course they are.

I threw those out
just the other day. They're stinky.

I always carry garden gloves like that
in my car, for when I pump my gasoline.

You do? I mean, when you go to
a gasoline station you pump your own?

Full service, Lieutenant, was invented
to cheat women and old folks.

I don't like to be cheated.

Harold, do you realize what time it is?
We have arrangements to make.

Yes, well, the Lieutenant
was just leaving, I think.

I guess...

I will be going now.

- Bye-bye.
- Excuse me.

Everything's gonna be all right.

George. Where are you?

Handkerchief.

George, make sure the limo and
the driver are out front ready to go.

Please, give us some room.

Please, clear, please!
Someone get the door.

No! No! No! No! No pictures!

She has nothing to say!
Just let us through, please.

Out of the way!

Out of the way!
Let us through, please!

It's okay, baby, we got you.

Hey!

- I got you, baby!
- Oh!

Get out of here.
Come on, come on. Hey!

It's all right, everybody.
We got her. See you at the wake!

Oh, that's pretty good interference.
It sure looks like she owns 'em now!

Of course, I suppose
the league is gonna have to approve.

What is your problem?

I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't mean anything.

Of course she'll be approved!
She's Uncle Fred's principal heir.

Well, I know that, sir. His attorney,
that Bertie fella, he told me that.

And I understand that you're in the will, too,
as his only blood relative,

some sort of a secondary inheritor.

Is that all you have to say?
That you talked to him?

Excuse me. I gotta tend bar at a wake.

Harold, Harold.

We wanna say how sorry we both are.

Thank you.

You'll take good care of her, won't you, boy?

- Oh, yeah. Take care.
- Thank you.

- Bertie!
- Harold.

Well, there's our new owner.

Let's hope it works out.

Yeah. This is all new for her.
I'm not sure how she's gonna handle it.

I just want to tell you. You have
any problems with her, you just come to me.

And between the two of us,

I'll see to it that you're able to do the job
that I know that you are capable of doing.

Right now, I'm gonna get her out of here.
I think, she's had a little too much.

Excuse me, fellas. Fellas, Dolores.

I won't forget you.

Wouldn't Fred just love this?

I'm sorry. Wouldn't he
just die all over again to be here?

That bastard.

Hey, guys, guys!
Come on, come on!

Ease up, will you?

No, no! Now, don't stop that!
That's beautiful!

More! More!

Dolores. What's the matter with you?

Because of you, there's a song

No, no. Let me get you outside.

Because of...

You think any of those people
ever really liked him?

Of course. Even I did. Once.

Fred used to sing me that song
while he danced on my feet.

- Can you just give me that?
- Excuse me, ma'am.

Could you tell me
where the bathroom is?

Dolores.

Thanks, boss.

Some of these characters.

Give me that.

You know what you need?
You need some fresh air and rest.

And when this is all over,
I'm gonna take you away from here.

- Some place where we can just...
- Harold, stop telling me what to do.

Stop giving orders.

On you, it sounds so silly.

Yeah, but it's true, honey.

Listen, I can take care
of everything here for you.

I mean, Bertie and I have already talked
about how to handle the team.

So, that's what you've been up to.

Harold, for your information,
I'm gonna fire Bertie.

Fire? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no. No, you can't do that.

Oh, yes, I can.
I've been studying his contract.

I want a younger man in there.

Besides, he may be a good lawyer,
but as general manager he's a wimp.

Dolores, you don't know what you're saying.

Okay? You don't
know a damn thing about football.

That's what you think. And as for running a business,
I was once Fred's executive secretary, remember?

I still do most of his taxes.

Oh, darling, don't look like that.

I want you to stay just the way you are.

Don't go trying to be
the man of the family.

Please?

Don't you worry.
I won't ever kick you out of bed.

Yes, I think it's time
for champagne, don't you?

Hold it.

Oh, Mrs. McCain thought
it should be moved, too,

but she couldn't find her keys.
She's still so confused.

She's looking for her
husband's keys now.

I have one key. For when I wash it.
I'll move it.

Oh, that'll loosen it up.

Once he gets it out of here,
we'll be all right.

I hope so. A couple of more cars,
we'll be backed out the gate.

Fernando! Put it in the garage!

Si, señor. Right away.

Wow. That was too close for comfort.
What are you doing here, Columbo?

I thought you'd be in Vegas
or Tahoe or Reno by now.

Wherever Big Fred made his money,
maybe he made big enemies.

Well, that's mostly Vegas.

That's where he hung around
with all those mob guys.

No, just wanted to look
at that one more time.

Now, Duran said you got
several clues out of Big Fred's office.

Possibly threats,
blackmail, that kind of stuff.

Said the Feds are interested,
FBI maybe want into it.

Yeah, I guess so.

- Well, that's good, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah.

Me, I got nothing or too much.

Looking for a hit-and-run driver in LA is
like looking for an old straw in a haystack.

It could be anybody, the way they drive here.

All you gotta do is find a k*ller
whose b*mb k*lled the wrong guy.

That's right. That's all I gotta do.

Well? What are you doing here, Columbo?

I just decided I was right in the first place.

- What?
- I'm staying here.

In the city of the angels.

May I help you, sir?

Uh, just looking, that's all.

Quite, I...

Um...

Could you show me
how you lift up the hood?

The usual way.

Oh, from the inside! Right!

Yeah! Should have known that.

Was there any particular part
of the engine you wished to look at?

Just the distributor, please,
and maybe the starter.

It has both.

Oh, yeah, there's the distributor, right.

And that wire would go
right down through there. Right.

Wire, sir? What wire?

To the b*mb.

Oh, excuse me.
I'm from the police here.

You see, the car that we got,
it's so messed up...

that it's hard to
figure things out. So,

you don't mind if I check out
a few things on this car, do you?

Of course not, sir. Anything to oblige.

Underneath too?
I'd like to look underneath.

Perhaps in the service center.

I'm sure there's a car
we can put up on the lift.

No, no, no, no. This'd be fine.

Is there anything
I could do to help you, sir?

You don't happen to
have a pair of pliers?

Really, sir, no. I certainly wouldn't.

- Well, what about that gentleman?
- What gentleman? Sir!

Sir, do you happen to have a pair of pliers?

Pliers? This what you want?

Oh, that would be fine.
I'll return 'em.

Okay.

What do you intend
doing with those pliers?

Oh, don't worry, sir.
The pliers will never touch the car.

They'll never touch the car?

What happened?

Nothing serious, sir, just my head.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I'm just saying it can't work
because you can't reach from here.

What won't work? What are you doing?

Oh, just give me a moment, sir.
Let me rethink this.

All right. The wire started here
by the distributor,

came over to the b*mb.
The b*mb's about here,

but then the wire went halfway
over to the starter rod.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Here.

This is as far as I can...
Can't go any further.

Oh, yeah.

Now you've done it. Hmm!

Yeah, I did it.

And it wasn't easy, but it's done!

Oh, boy!

What are you doing?

I'm wiping up the marks you made
with your heels. Just look at this.

Hold it, sir. Hold it.
Don't touch those.

That's it!

That is it!

That's it!

Thank you very much, sir!

Hello.

I just called to say how...

Hacker! Damn it, I told you never
to call me here, or anywhere else...

Hey, hey, come on. Take it easy.
I was just reading about your uncle's will.

I don't see your name much.

Oh, for God's sake, Hacker!
You know, in due time you'll get your...

No, no, no. I didn't call about that.

I just called to say how sorry I was
about Big Fred's death.

And to say you've got two days.
That's hours.

And then I want my money!

Yes.

Hi.

Well, hello.

You alone?

All alone.

You know what I'm doing?

No.

I'm lying...

down. I'm on my bed.

I happen to be nude,

and I'm thinking of you.

Oh, for goodness sake.

When was the last time,
Mrs. Dolores McCain,

that we spent an afternoon
under the covers? Huh?

It's been a while.

Let's do it. Bees do it.

- Even...
- Even educated fleas do it.

And are you available later for dinner?

Chez Louis?

That's my favorite restaurant.

I'm coming over right away.

I'll be there in a minute.

Don't get dressed.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Oh, Mr. McCain! You're here!

Oh, boy, what a happy coincidence.

Where the hell did that come from?

Oh, this is just borrowed.
We gotta be very careful.

See, I was just checking to make sure
we put it in the exact same spot.

- Why?
- Oh, it's all right here.

Here's how the lab says that...

that b*mb was planted
under your uncle's car.

And I finally figured out how
the wire was attached...

from the b*mb to the starter.

Good for you. So what?

Oh, it's very interesting.
You see, these buggies,

they're built
so low to the ground...

there's really only one spot
that you can use...

to get far enough under.
And, yeah, that's right about here.

Now, the guy had to use
a pair of pliers...

to get the wire from the b*mb,
which was here, over to the starter.

Are you watching, Mr. McCain?

Why don't you get down where you can see?

But the trouble is that from here
he can't reach it.

But if he twists his body,
it's still tight,

but he can push with his heels.

And he's getting closer
but he can't go any further.

Can you see that, Mr. McCain?

Uh-huh.

But if he's left-handed,

like you are, sir, he can reach it easily.

Like I am?
Now, what makes you think...

What hand you holding your
cigarette in, sir?

The left.

But of course if I were ambidextrous
I could have it in the right.

Oh, no, no. I've seen other things.

All right, your point is very interesting.
So, the guy was left-handed.

How many other lefties are there
in this country?

Oh, there's quite a few, sir.
No, that doesn't really mean anything.

But it does make it easier to
explain the scratch marks.

What scratch marks?

Well, you remember, sir.
They're right here. Those.

They're still here.
The ones with the chalk mark.

Oh, yeah. Right.

And those are heel marks
I discovered, and I can prove it.

We made some just like
those ourselves. You saw how.

When I was pushing with my heels
to get far enough left...

so I could use my left hand.

You sure as hell didn't make
any scratch marks that I can see.

Oh, well, that's because
I'm wearing rubber heels.

But there are heels
that could make marks on asphalt.

Uh, ones like... What are those,

those Beverly Hills cowboy boots?

The same kind
that I seen you wearing, uh...

Like the ones you got on now,
in fact. Like those.

And like thousands
of other men wear, of course.

Oh, sure, of course.
But I still keep thinking.

Excuse me, sir,
would you mind lifting that boot?

Oh yeah, you got that silver ornament.

Well, that would really
make a mark on asphalt.

Of course, thousands of guys
got the same thing.

But a hired k*ller,
you know, a real professional,

like you thought was the only one
that could break in here,

he wouldn't wear hard shoes like that,
risk tripping, making noise.

He'd wear tennis shoes, running shoes,
black ones, maybe.

Anyway, I still think it was
somebody who was so confident...

he already knew his way around here.

So, that would cut the odds to what?
Maybe to one?

So, now you're thinking friends, visitors,
servants, someone who worked in the place.

Well, I wasn't thinking
of them, exactly.

No, of course not, Lieutenant.
Because ever since this car exploded,

you've been trying
to point a finger at me, right?

Well, there have been
certain indications...

No, no, no. You took a wild guess...

and you figured that
I'm the easiest one to blame.

- Well you've got nothing.
- Sir.

Harold? I've been waiting for you.

Yeah, all right. I know.

Well, can I go?

Of course. But, sir,

you won't go far, will you?

- Jeez, I didn't know he was gonna be here.
- Well, I didn't either.

Well, maybe we should go over to
my place then, huh?

Well, I guess so.

Separate cars?

Well,

he's still here.

Yeah. Better separate.

See you soon.

I'll see you soon.

Tonight.

Tonight.

- Chez Louis.
- Chez Louis

I thought it was a pleasant afternoon.

You won't get any argument from me.

Boy, I'll be glad when this whole
thing's over with.

But first I gotta take care of
that Hacker. Gotta do that.

Get him some money. Quiet him down.
That son of a bitch, he's crazy.

Crazy. He's got syphilis
on the brain.

Yeah.

I think he drinks, too.

Well, I'll take care of him.
I'll do that.

Boy, it's nice being together, huh?

It is.

You're the best.

Thank you.

Can I ask you something?
Are we drifting apart?

Drifting apart?

Yeah, I don't know, I just...

I feel like I'm losing you.

Maybe it's just my imagination.
I don't know.

I'm just so crazy
about the money and...

I'm getting another ,
from this friend of mine, Eddie,

and then all I need
is another , and then...

maybe I'll be more myself.

Hey, then maybe we'll
go someplace, huh?

Hey, someday...

I'm gonna ask you to marry me.

Soon as I get that damn Hacker
off my back.

You gonna say yes?

Ask and you'll find out.

I will.

I'll get another five
from another source. That's .

Then I'll need another and it's
you and me, baby.

That sounds good.

Hey.

We were good
for each other in the past.

We'll be good for
each other again.

Where you gonna get the other ?

I thought I'd ask you.

But I won't give it to you.

Don't say that.

I think you use me.

No, I don't.

I think you used me before
and I think you're using me now.

- Honey...
- You're just like Fred.

You use me and that's over, buster.

You don't mean that.

He took me for granted,
and you're doing the same thing.

And I'm giving you nothing.

- Nothing?
- Nothing.

Not a nickel?

Not a nickel.

Okay.

I understand.

So, I used you. Big Fred used you.

And you're a woman
that men use and humiliate.

And you don't like that, do you?

No, I don't.

Oh, I know you don't.

Oh, I remember how you fantasized
about Big Fred's death.

How you dreamed of hearing
him beg for your mercy.

How you wanted him dead,
and now he's dead.

Interesting, huh?

I find that interesting.

You wanna hear more?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

There's something about his death
that I know that you should know.

Only I don't want to talk about it here.
It's too dangerous.

But if you're interested,

I'll be in the parking garage.

Harold, you're behaving so strange.

Uh-huh.

What is it you want?

You like all the attention you're getting
from the football players, don't you?

Yes.

You like f*ring Bertie,
taking over the team?

What were you going
to tell me, Harold?

Boy, you have blossomed since
Fred's death, haven't you?

I thought you had
something important to say.

Where were you the morning
Fred got hit by the truck?

Where was I?

And don't tell me you were at home,
because Bertie called for minutes,

and then I called
and there was no answer.

So, don't tell me you were at home.
I don't like to hear people lie.

Now, honey sugar,
you know what's interesting?

I've known you five years...

and I've never known you
to get up before : .

And I've never known Fernando to
start his day's work...

by cutting the back hedge.

And what did you tell Columbo?

That Fred moved the car at night...

so in the morning the garage door
wouldn't wake you?

Since when would Fred care
if he disturbed you?

He didn't know you were alive.

You see where I'm coming from?

Let me sleep on this, honey.

- It's very confusing...
- I want the $ , .

- I understand.
- I can't get to Columbo now.

I've got other plans tonight.

But you got until tomorrow morning.
I'll call you early.

I just need a little time.

I wanna lie down.

Would you drive me home?

What about your car?
It's at my place.

I just wanna lie down.

I have to think.

I'll get the car tomorrow.

- This is Jack.
- And I'm Jill.

And this is the Jack and Jill
Breakfast Show.

I think the folks know that, Jill.

The time is now : a. m.,
and it's a bit overcast.

But don't despair, folks,
in a few hours, by : ,

our old friend the sun will be out
in all his glory.

Hear that, kids? Clouds gone by : .
You can hit the beaches early.

The time is now : .

Jill, I just gave them the time.

I know, Jack. I just like to do it again
in case somebody missed it.

Thank you, Jack and Jill,
this is Captain Steve in copter one.

Well, you were right about the weather
for the beach crowds.

We've got patchy low clouds all along
Pacific Coast Highway...

from Malibu to Santa Monica.

Just right for the surfers
with - to -foot...

Yes?

I'm sitting here. I got the cop's number
in my hand. What do you want me to do?

I thought about it. Harold,

I don't like doing it,
but you are in trouble,

so come on over.
I got the money for you.

I'll be right there.

Love ya.

But Harold,

this is the last time.

Oh, yes!

Go up to the house and check.
I'll check the property.

Yeah. Okay.

Where's the Lieutenant?

How in the hell do I know?
Should have been here a half an hour ago.

Any word on Columbo?

He just arrived.

It's about time.

d*ed between : and : .

You're late, Lieutenant.

Oh, hi, John.
A seven-letter word for a green leaf.

It's got a "U" in it.
The third letter is "U."

It's not lettuce.

You're doing a crossword puzzle?

We're waiting for you, and you're
doing a crossword puzzle?

I don't even like doing them, John.

Blame my wife. She gets me
started and I get hooked.

A green leaf.

Arugula. A-R-U-G-U-L-A.
Arugula.

Let me show you this window.

Now, this is how the guy got in.
Obviously a professional.

Now, he used the glass cutter
to cut the glass.

Never shook anything,
so the alarm didn't go off.

Then he climbed through.

Now, what he didn't know
was what was on the other side.

There was a bowl of milk left for the cat.
He stepped in it and knocked it over.

Now, the victim must have heard
that bowl go over,

because he was right there in the bedroom.

Right over the room where
the bowl went over.

Then he was moving to get
his g*n when the intruder sh*t him.

Well, you know, Harold was plenty scared.
Those mobsters had already threatened him.

So, who found the body?

Dolores McCain.

Oh, Dolores, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's her car
out there. What time was that?

- Ten-thirty.
- Ten-thirty.

Ten-thirty?

Ten-thirty?

Where is she?

She's in the kitchen.

He just couldn't help himself.
It was an addiction.

He just couldn't stop gambling.

Couldn't help himself. He tried, but he...

What time did you get here, ma'am?

About ten-thirty.

I see. Ten-thirty.

All right.

And you drove here?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

When was the last time
that you saw him?

Yesterday.

He came over to the house.
Well, you were there.

And we had a good time
together, but at dinner he...

He asked me for money, and I said no.

Lieutenant, I've given him
so much money and I just said no.

And then he called me
this morning, early...

Where did he call from, ma'am?

Well, I assumed he was here.

He was. We checked
with the telephone company.

The call was made
at : from this number.

I assumed that.

He said this man, Hacker,
had called him at midnight, threatened him.

He sounded terrified. Said
he was going to run away to Chicago.

I think he said the : train.

And he had car fare,
but he needed room and board.

I couldn't deny him.

He sounded so pitiful.

And so, I said I'd help him
and bring him some money around : .

When I got here the front door was locked.

So, I went to the bedroom window and I...

Oh, God.

All right. All right, ma'am.
That's all I'll need now.

You've been through enough.

Uh, I have a tape that
I have to show you. It's very important,

but we can do that another time.
All right, Officer.

Is Mrs. McCain dismissed?

Yes, and see to it that there's
somebody to drive her home.

Yes, Lieutenant.

All right, Officer, we're done.
Thank you very much.

sh*t once in the abdomen.
All internal bleeding.

The b*llet's still inside.
That's what k*lled him.

Well, it seems pretty clear.

Either he woke up
or the alarm woke him.

You can see the alarm
is set for : .

Now, he spoke with
Mrs. McCain at : .

According to the medical examiner,

sometime within a hour and a half
he was sh*t.

Now, he heard a noise
in the basement, the cat's bowl.

Now, we know this guy was jumpy.

He told Mrs. McCain that he was
so scared that he was leaving town.

Well, we found this train timetable.

The : to Chicago is circled.

Now, what we got here is a guy...

who heard a noise
that don't know what it was.

He was alone and jumpy.

So, he decided to go and get his g*n,

but the guy got his g*n first,
and that's what happened.

You think this bed was slept in?

What?

You think this bed was slept in?

Why would you ask that?

Well, the sheet seems tight here.
You think somebody's foot was under that?

I don't know.
People sleep all kinds of ways.

Maybe he slept on top of the sheets.

Maybe he put one foot under
and he put the other one in sideways.

What do you want from me?

Just asking.

What's this?

It's an invitation ticket to a poker
tournament at the Commerce Casino.

It's for tonight.

Yeah, but he won't make it.

What's this?

It's $ , .

No kidding.

It was in his boot.

In his boot? No kidding.
Where's the boot?

It's in the closet.

The money was just
lying in the boot?

No, it was stuffed in the toe of
the boot, behind the sock.

Boy, these are ripe!

You telling me.

And damp. Well, the guy's feet sweat.

Mine sweat, too.
That's why my feet are soft.

That's what my wife says.

Wait a minute, John. Hold the phone.

When did he take these socks off?

They feel like they've
been worn recently.

Feel them. They're still damp.

So, those are the socks
that he put on when he got up,

but when did he take the damp ones off?

I mean, even if he
took 'em off last night,

even as late as : a.m.,
it's now after : .

That's nine hours ago.

They would be dry by now.

But these are still wet.

So, when did he take 'em off?

You said the alarm went off at : ?

Yeah. Eight o'clock.

Eight.

I hate to tell you this,
fellas, but this alarm...

was set for : p.m.

And that poker tournament was...

What time was that, : ?

I think : .

Yeah, : .

Makes sense. The club's
right here in LA.

I tell you, boys.

I don't think we got
a guy that just got up.

I think we got a guy
that never went to bed.

Commerce Casino, Ed speaking.

Do I know Harold McCain?
Yes, I do.

When did he buy his ticket
in the poker tournament?

Is that your question?

Well, I came on duty at : a.m.
this morning. He was here then.

I sold him the ticket before he left,
so the answer to your question is : ,

the morning of the th.

My pleasure.

Gentlemen,

either Harold was lying to Dolores,

or Dolores was lying to us.

Coffee, Lieutenant?

No, thank you, ma'am.

This is the tape that I mentioned.
It's something you have to see.

It won't take long, ma'am.
And I'll get right out of your hair.

I was just gathering up
some of Harold's things.

Things that he's left here.

I think I got 'em all.
It's all so unbelievable.

Understand, ma'am. Understand.
All right. Here we go.

Now, of course, you weren't there at
the time. You were in the house.

She's still so confused. She's
looking for her husband's keys now.

I have one key.

Oh, dear. I don't think
I can watch this.

Oh, you'll be all right, ma'am.

But it's gonna blow up, isn't it?

Yes, ma'am, it is.

- Put it in the garage!
- Si, señor. Right away.

All right.

Ma'am, did you notice anything unusual?

Well, what a stupid question!

You just made me watch
my gardener get blown up.

You're right. You're absolutely right.

You were looking at the gardener
and the car, anybody would.

Could I run this again, ma'am?

If it's absolutely necessary.

I appreciate that.
And this time more slowly.

It's amazing what they can do
with TV tape and film.

Does it have to be so noisy?

No, ma'am, I can turn it down.
Here we go.

Anything catch your eye that time, ma'am?

I just saw it blow up.
And what else is there to see?

Yes. It's difficult to spot, it is.

Can we do it again? Larger?

Si, señor. Right away.

Oh, he moved. I saw Harold move.

No, ma'am.

Once more, only this time, closer.

Watch his eyes.

See 'em?

They're closed tight.

He flinched.

Before the expl*si*n.

He knew it was gonna happen.
Oh, I've been so stupid.

I just couldn't let myself think that he was
capable of trying to m*rder his own uncle.

Oh, Lieutenant, I'm sorry.

No wonder you stayed
after him, kept pushing...

I know how difficult
it is for you, ma'am, but...

it's something you had to know.
I couldn't keep it from you.

I appreciate it. Forgive me.

I would like to be alone.
Those are Harold's things. Please take them.

Oh, I will, ma'am. They'll be
among his personal effects.

I appreciate your time.

Ms. McCain?

Yes?

Just one more thing, ma'am.

I believe this belongs to Harold.
It's here in the den. Should I take it, too?

This is his hat, isn't it, ma'am?

Yes, it is.

I'm not sure when he left it here,
but please take it.

I will. Good day, ma'am.

Oh, just one more thing, ma'am.

You told me that
Harold called and wanted money.

Said he had the car fare
but he needed room and board...

for when he got to Chicago, is that right?

Yes.

And you brought money
with you when you went to the house?

Yes, I brought $ , .

I have to tell you, ma'am,
that we found $ , in Harold's boot.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So, either he was lying when
he said he only had car fare, or...

Or what, Lieutenant?

You were lying.

I can't believe you said that.

Well, ma'am, you also said that
he told you that he was gonna catch...

a : train to Chicago.
Isn't that correct?

Yes.

But his alarm clock
was set to wake him up at : p.m.

So, either he lied to you, or you...

What?

Lied to us.

Lieutenant, from now on,

anything you have to say,
you will say to my lawyer.

Now, leave.

Yes, ma'am.

Do you know Harold McCain?

- I do.
- All right.

And it was you that
sold him this ticket...

to the poker tournament
at : yesterday morning?

- I did.
- All right.

Gee, this coffee is cold.

- You think I can get a fresh...
- Oh, sure.

Right this way.

So, you came in at : a.m.

And he was playing cards.
How was he doing?

Oh, he was doing pretty well,
he won $ , .

Excuse me, sir.
I just wanna write that down.

Five thousand, and then he went home?

No, I think he had breakfast.

So, Harold was in?

Oh, yes, Harold was
in a great mood. He won money.

Left me a nice tip.

- What'd he eat?
- Pancakes.

That's all?

No, he had orange juice,
blueberries and coffee.

Do you remember
what he was wearing?

What was he wearing, Ed?

Let's see, he had...

Do you recall, was he wearing
shoes or boots?

Oh, boots. He wore boots a lot.

And his cowboy hat.
Yeah, he wore that a lot, too.

Hat and boots.

And he had a bright sports shirt,
didn't he, Rhea?

Oh, I think so, but I'm not sure.

- And then he went home?
- I guess so.

No, he went into the barber shop.
Told me he was gonna treat himself.

Yes, Harold came in.

And you worked on him yourself?

- Yes.
- What'd you do for him?

- I did his nails.
- Manicure.

- Facial.
- Facial.

- Shave and a haircut.
- Shave and a haircut.

Okay, manicure, facial, shave and...

He had a haircut?

Yes, sir.

Well, what do you know about that.

Programs. Get programs.

- Hey, Vince.
- Lieutenant.

- The box is...
- Upstairs to your left, sir.

Okay. See you in a bit.

Let him in!

All of you! Sorry, men! Out!

Better seats downstairs anyway.
Sorry. You, too.

It was a great game.
I had it on in the car.

Lieutenant, you should know that
I'm speaking to you now...

as Mrs. McCain's lawyer.

I understand that yesterday
you strongly implied that she's a liar.

Well, she doesn't like that, and
I don't blame her.

So, I'm here to see to it
that you don't take advantage of her.

Now, what's on your mind?

Can I hang this up, sir?
I don't want it to get wrinkled.

- Don't test my patience, Lieutenant.
- Oh, no, sir. No. No. No. Not at all.

Let me just say that there's
some things that bother me...

and I merely want to clear the air.

Well, I suggest you start.

Mrs. McCain, you told me that
you were with Harold...

in a restaurant on Thursday night,
and that's true.

I checked with the restaurant.
You were with Harold. It's all true.

And Harold, I'm told,
parked his car in the parking garage.

Small point.

Could you tell me,
ma'am, where you parked your car?

In the street.

In the street, which makes sense.

Parking is permitted on
that street at that hour.

And then you went home.
And if you would, ma'am,

where did you park your car at home?

I'm not gonna let her answer that.
Don't answer that.

I have no idea why you're even asking it.

I can tell you. Would you like to hear?

- It's up to you.
- Well, I think it's better.

I mean, get it all out in the open.

I was doing a crossword puzzle...

and I put the paper down on the hood,

and, uh... Here, let me show you.

One picture, believe me,

one picture is better than
a thousand words.

That's Mrs. McCain's car,
and you'll notice that...

the sunny side of the hood
is different than the shady side.

You see those things on the shady side?

Here, sir, use this.
You can see better.

Look here on the shady side.
See those bumps? Those bubbles?

That's dew.

And that tells me that that
car was parked there before sunrise.

Now, Mrs. McCain,

you told me that you didn't arrive
there until : in the morning.

So, that's why I asked where
the car was parked the previous night.

And we'll answer that,
if necessary, at the appropriate time.

All right.

Mrs. McCain, did Harold's feet sweat?

Can she answer that?

Dolores?

I have no idea.

Well mine do. Very bad.

And that's why I noticed...
Here, let me show you.

Thank you, sir.

That these socks were damp.

And we found these socks
in Harold's boot.

But the socks on his feet were dry,
and these wet socks were in his boot.

And I couldn't understand,
if he got up at : ...

and he put on dry socks,
when did he take the damp ones off?

But he had this ticket
to play poker in a tournament that night.

So, I called the casino,

and it turns out,
wait till you hear this,

Harold didn't get up at : .

Harold never went to bed!
He played poker all night.

So?

So, I went to the casino,

and they told me...

he won $ , .

That he had pancakes for breakfast,

and they told me what he was wearing.

Here, I got it right here.

He was wearing these boots.
That's where we found the socks,

this shirt, and...

Where's the, uh...

Oh, that's supposed to come.

Why didn't you knock?

I didn't want to disturb you.

But I'm waiting for that.
How did I know you were here?

I didn't know what to do.

Okay.

This is what was missing.

This hat.

Harold was wearing this hat.

The casino manager and the waitress,
they both remember the hat.

And you, ma'am, well, you remember it.
I saw it in your den.

You said Harold
must have left it there.

So, the big question is
when did he leave it there?

And I found the answer.

I got it right here.

These are hairs.
You see, ma'am? Hairs.

Tiny little fellows.

Tiny, tiny, tiny little hairs.

And Harold got
a haircut at : a.m.

These pieces, ma'am, freshly cut.

And in this hat,

we found these hairs.

So, we know,

that the hat was in your den, ma'am,

on the morning he was sh*t.
That places the victim...

Are you implying
that I k*lled Harold?

sh*t him dead in your den, ma'am.

Moved the body,
probably used a wheelchair.

Wanted the cops to find
a jumpy guy who just got up.

Took off his pants and shoes,

and stretched him out in his underwear,

and left him lying there
reaching for a g*n.

Why?

Why was he reaching for a g*n?

No. Why?

What is the motive?

Why on earth would I
deliberately k*ll Harold?

He was no real thr*at to me.

I would gladly have
paid those trivial gambling debts.

There has to be a reason for m*rder.
I had none.

Maybe because he suspected
you k*lled Big Fred.

What?

That's what I said,

and I suspect Harold was right.

No... Big Fred was...
But Big Fred was run over.

Oh, my God.

- Dolores?
- Just shut up.

Lieutenant,

you know perfectly well
it was Harold who tried to k*ll Fred.

And he would have,
but you got there first.

You parked the Rolls in the driveway
so the gardener's truck couldn't come in.

You sent the gardener to the rear
to cut the back hedge...

so you could steal his truck
and run over Big Fred.

And then you came home and you
started to cry when you heard the news.

- Prove it.
- I don't have to prove it, ma'am.

One in the hand is better than two in the bush.

You're under arrest
for the m*rder of Harold McCain.

That idiot.

If it wasn't for him, you'd have nothing.

I told him not to try
anything desperate.

Meddlesome little son of a bitch.

You've been a big help, Bertie.

I don't know what
I would have done without you.

Well, thank you.