10x12 - Ashes to Ashes

[bunniefuu]

Chuck Houston was the kind of man...

who wore his medals on the inside
as well as the outside.

Chuck was sh*t times in the movies.

But it was in World w*r Il...

that Chuck became a real hero.

He was a real star.

He was wounded when
without regard for personal safety,

he heroically thrust himself
between an exploding grenade...

and his platoon,

and, uh, saved most of their lives.

This was in the South Pacific,
earning him the Purple Heart.

You're seconds too long.

Oh, damn!

We'll fix it.

You run a tight funeral.

Well, the service ends at : ,
we close casket,

and if you can cut seconds
from your tribute, we'll be home free.

I'll work on it.
Tomorrow is another day.

Goodbye, Mr. Prince.

Thank you, Fred. Good night.

I like the display, Gerald. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Line two, Verity Chandler.
It's on hold.

Rita, Gerald, you can go.
I'll lock up.

- Good night.
- Good night, Mr. Prince.

Good night.

Verity, darling, did you get my
message about the Houston funeral?

I always get the message, lover.

Eric, we have to have a private chat,

just the two of us. Strictly personal.

A chat? What about?

There will be a funeral service,

of course, as always, but...

we'll have one in private,

all right? Just before.

Just the two of us.

"Hollywood Heartbeat",
Sunday Promo, G .

Verity, what juicy tidbits do you have
on "Hollywood Heartbeat" this weekend?

What's new?

A story that will rattle
a few skeletons.

Watch this Sunday for grisly
undertakings on Sunset Boulevard.

And if you've got gossip,
remember, you can email me at:

vicious_rumors_@
hollywood_heartbeat.com

Roger, darling, it's me at : .
The liquor store just delivered...

the booze for the Sunday party.

Listen, email me that revised
guest list as soon as possible.

Now, page me.

All right.

The Haverland Prince Funeral Home.

Suzanne.
You meant a great deal to Chuck.

How are you bearing up, Mrs. Houston?

Oh, Mr. Prince. Would you excuse me?

- I'd like to ask you a favour.
- Yes.

Could you sit with me
in the first row?

You may sit with anyone you choose.

Please sit with me.
You have been such a comfort.

It'll be my pleasure.

Oh, my, look at the red death.

Excuse me, sir.

Your attorney is here to speak
to you about something urgent.

Mm-hm.

Don't forget, service starts at noon.

Yes, sir.

Eric. I'm sorry, but the purchase
agreement has to be signed today.

Not to worry, Henry. I have it ready
for you. Shall we take the short cut?

My chamber of horrors.
Look, but don't touch.

It's on my desk.
Here we are, signed and delivered.

You're now the proud owner of your
th funeral home. Congratulations.

I think we should also congratulate
my dear old friend Mr. Haverland.

He would be proud of his protégé.

Yes. I really must be going.

You'd like to go the way
of the living.

If you don't mind.

It's always a pleasure, Henry.

If you have any problems, call me.

Absolutely. Bye-bye for now.

Oh, hi, babe!

Verity.

You left your door unlocked.
Unlike you.

I thought you'd gone.

I checked the parking lot.
Your car wasn't there.

No. Well, it's in for service.
I had a taxi drop me today.

Maybe you can take me home when
this is over, just like old times.

Nice joke, darling, but I only have
a minute. What do you want?

I want your advice on a story
I'm working on...

for Sunday night's broadcast.

It's about a once-handsome,
never-was actor from England,

didn't make it here either, who
gets a job in a Hollywood mortuary.

The mortician takes a liking to him
and the actor becomes a mortician himself,

only our boy undertaker gets greedy.

He realizes morticians can get to
the bodies before anyone else,

can find telltale traces
of h*m*, affairs, dr*gs.

So he begins selling his information
to a television reporter,

who also becomes his
oh-so-secret lover,

until he unceremoniously dumps her.

That's old news.

Oh, this is even older.

I sh*t this just a few days ago.

It's the Dorothea Page mansion.

I knew you'd recognize it.
Just as I know you'll remember...

what was around Dorothea's neck when
her body arrived here some years ago.

Eric, what ratings do you think
I'll get...

for a story about
a Hollywood mortician...

who steals a diamond necklace
from a dead movie queen...

so he can buy into a fancy mortuary?

Sounds fascinating.

Doesn't it?

I'm hot on your trail
and getting warmer by the minute.

I know your games. You're telling me
this so that I'll...

dig up dirt for you again.

Darling, no! You're not listening.
This isn't blackmail.

I'm broadcasting
this Sunday night at eight, live.

I'm even having a party
at my house to celebrate.

This is my big surprise scoop
of the year.

Haven't told a soul.

I wanted you to be the first to know.

Thank you.

You're going to lose everything.

Eric Prince, you used to be
every widow's bedroom pet.

I only came by to make sure
you tune in Sunday night,

but it was worth it
just to see that knot in your gut.

Imagine this projected behind me...

with the headlines, "Grisly
undertakings on Sunset Boulevard".

Hm?

You b*rned me once, baby.
Now I'm going to burn you.

Mr. Prince?

Miss Rita, are the
flower arrangements all right?

Mr. Prince is delighted.
Thank you, Hugo.

I'm happy. Thank you.

Oh, it's getting close.

I was just checking the new equipment.
Just lead on, would you?

Chuck Houston was the kind of man...

who wore his medals on the inside...

as well as the outside.

Chuck was sh*t times...

"Grisly undertakings
on Sunset Boulevard".

You b*rned me once, baby.

Now I'm going to burn you.

...saved most of their lives.

This was in the South Pacific,

earning him the Purple Heart.

May we always remember him.

I'll send one of our cars,
have you here at four o'clock.

All will be ready.
I shall take care of this personally.

Thank you.

Kathy, take care of your aunt,
would you, please?

Oh, Kathy.

Eric?

Here's your dear Chuck.

Thank you.

And, of course, we mustn't forget this.

I see it. Stop. Just stop right here.
Is it all right to open the door?

Happy trails!

Verity.

My darling Verity.

Let's see what we have here.

' .

Change to .

And...

where are you, Mr. Prince?

There we are.

Mm-hm.

Bye-bye, Mr. Prince.

And changed to...

Mm-hm.

Hmm.

Adios, Mr. Prince. Hello, cocaine.

There we are. Change back.

Good.

I've come with my condolences.

Thank you, darling.
I'll get the glasses.

Thank you.

I don't care what your procedures are, Sergeant.
I've made a ton of phone calls.

Believe me, Verity Chandler
has friends in high places...

and nobody, I mean no one, knows
what the hell happened to her. Really!

We have this party on Sunday.
The whole thing's bloody impossible.

Sir, we're doing the best we can
to locate Miss Chandler,

but as things stand
it's a missing-persons case.

"Missing persons"?
Really, Sergeant?

"Missing persons" is like
being seated next to the kitchen.

I would like some serious action.

Oh! Hey!

What's up with you?

Hi, Sarge. Excuse me, I've gotta
get this hound under control.

Are you gonna be good or are you gonna
embarrass me in front of the sergeant?

Look at that.
Will you look at that?

I was on my way to the vet's
when you called.

This guy hasn't been feeling too good
this week, kinda listless.

Look at him now.
What's sparking you?

Thanks for stopping by.
I know it's not a homicide,

but Mr. Roger Gambles,

the missing lady's secretary,
is somewhat concerned.

You can say that again.

All right. OK. He'll be all right.

Uh... Oh, boy.

Excuse me, what's this guy's name?

Oh, Roger Gambles.

Mr. Gambler, glad to see you, sir.

Sergeant Degarmo been treating you
all right?

Gambles. It's Roger Gambles.

Oh, sorry, sir.

You're a... you're a detective?

Yes, I guess I am.

Uh-huh. Can you listen?

Oh, yes, sir.

The last time I heard from her...

Excuse me.

Yeah, he'll be all right.
Yes, sir?

The last time I heard from her was...

From who?

From whom.
My employer, Miss Verity Chandler.

The missing lady.
The reason we're all here.

Last time I heard from her
was yesterday morning about : .

She's having a party
on Sunday and...

asked me to email her
the revised guest list.

I responded, she did not. I called her
repeatedly, several times, and...

all I got was the machine.

When did you make these calls, sir?

It's on the tape, Lieutenant.
I checked it.

Three messages. : pm.

Verity, it's Roger. Call me.

: pm.

Roger again. Where are you?

: am.

Verity, I'm starting to worry.

End of messages.

- That's it?
- That's it.

And you called the cops?

What do you think?

I showed up for work this morning,
the door was wide open, I saw the hall.

What did you think
when you walked in?

Oh, I think you did
the right thing, sir.

She comes home, comes in here,

pours herself a drink, off with
the earrings, off with the shoes.

You see the shoes?

I got the shoes.

Yes, Sergeant?

She sits down,
starts to work the computer.

Doorbell rings.

She gets up to answer it,
there's a struggle,

someone nabs her
sometime after : .

After : ? Why : ?

The computer, Detective.
It's there.

The last time she made
an entry was : pm.

Can you look at it?

I've already shown the sergeant.

Can you look at it?

Yes, I can.

I'll look at it.

"This reporter has been looking into
a tangled web of crime...

amid the young and ruthless
in the snowy hills of Beverly.

But the snow on those hills
ain't sugar, it's cocaine."

Hm.

Thank you.

It seems like this drug story
got her kidnapped.

Can this be touched?

Go ahead, they've been dusted.

Guy's finished.
Everything's been done.

Yesterday was Thursday.
Today is October , ' .

"Twelve noon Houston fun."

Was she gonna have fun in Houston?

That's absurd. She went to the funeral
of Chuck Houston, the old cowboy actor.

The service was yesterday at noon.

Got that.

What's "PH SB"?

Phone someone?
"PH", phone, initials SB.

Sid somebody, Shirley somebody?
Who knows?

Could be.

What's this?

We've inventoried them.
pictures of a puppy.

?

My God!

What's the matter?

Louella.
I forgot all about Louella.

Louella?

Who's Louella?

Beats me.

Poor Louella.
Slipped my mind completely.

Oh!

- This is what's sparking you.
- Here, sweetie.

Hold on, sweetheart.

Oh, it's just a pup.
Look, he's shaking.

- Sergeant, get my dog.
- Yes, sir.

Hold him.

Oh, look at this place.
It's a mess here!

He's got no water!
He's got nothing! Where is it?

Where's what?

The food for the pup!

Sorry. It's in the fridge.
She keeps it in the fridge.

Yeah.

Where's the spoons?

The spoons? Over here. I'll get one.

Here you are, Lieutenant.

Oh, it's chicken. That's good.

Yes, that's her evening treat.

That's good. They like that.

What did you say?

Uh, her evening treat.

Excuse me.

Can you guys make sure this dog
is fed and has plenty of water?

- Of course.
- And take him for a walk?

And who's gonna watch this dog
while we're working on this case?

Oh, I will.

Thank you.

You're going home, and, Sergeant,
if you'd...

be kind enough to do me a favour,

I want copies of these.
Take it to the lab.

Copies made
from the negatives on the desk.

Where was the funeral service?

Haverland Prince.

Haverland Prince...

Haverland Prince...
Haverland Prince...

Come in.

- Good morning, sir.
- Ah, Rita.

I was about to call your house.

I wasn't at my house,
as a matter of fact.

Who have we got?

Regarding Dan Riley.

The Motion Picture Home want to
start the viewing one hour later.

Another day, another body.

Also, there's a Mr. Lerby.

Preplanned funeral.
The deceased arranged it two years ago.

Cause of death?

Gas boiler blew up.

Ouch! Is there anything left of him?

Well, he's not the man he was.

Mrs. Lerby, the widow,
will be here at ten.

So will I.

Mel Lerby was a jerk.

A cheap, two-bit importer of
knock-off Korean knitwear.

Our divorce
was gonna be final in a week,

and if he'd waited seven days to kick it,
I wouldn't have to be here doing this.

I don't want a service,

I don't want flowers
and I do not want a coffin.

Mrs. Lerby, your husband
requested a cremation.

There has to be a container.
That's the law.

He was a lb weakling
on his best day.

What you got in there now
you could put in a shoebox!

- Uh, Mrs. Lerby...
- A suggestion, Rita.

We could cremate your husband today in
one of our inexpensive cardboard boxes,

place his ashes in an urn
that I hope you will like...

it'll be ready tomorrow...

then arrange for our helicopter service
to disperse the ashes over the ocean...

at our expense, with my compliments.

We're going to take good care of him.

Well, better you than me.

Interesting woman.

I'll cremate Mr. Lerby's remains myself
as soon as they arrive.

They come in at three, but you'll have
to wait before you put him in the oven.

- Why?
- It's being repaired.

One of the gas jets blew yesterday
when you cremated Mr. Houston.

Did it? How long will it take to fix?

Repairman said it could be all day.

Tell me immediately when it's ready.

Yes, sir.

Oh, by the way, someone's waiting
for you in the display room.

Thank you, Rita.

Morning, sir.

I just can't get my wife to discuss
this stuff, but she should like this.

Nice and soft...

May I?

I think you know the way out.

Oh, sir, I'm sorry.

I really shouldn't be smoking
in a special place like this.

I'm from the police.

Pardon?

Lieutenant Columbo.

You're joking.

No, sir. No, I'm not.

There you go.
Are you Haverland Prince?

I'm Prince. My partner,
Arthur Haverland, d*ed some years ago.

Oh. Well, Mr. Prince,

I'm looking into a missing-persons
case, Verity Chandler.

She was here yesterday.

Was she alone?

As far as I know.

Where was she?

In the chapel. And I have to check it
for the next service.

- Would you follow me?
- Oh, I'd love to, sir.

The only person she spoke to was
the widow, Mrs. Houston. Then she left.

Were you a friend of Miss Chandler's?

A tabloid reporter?

I keep my distance,
but I do call her about VIP funerals.

The publicity's good
and she's discreet.

As a matter of a fact, I called her
about the Houston service.

Would you excuse me?

That's coming along nicely, gentlemen.

So she was here and then she left.
Yeah, OK.

What kind of car was she driving?

I assume the usual one.
A red Mercedes.

Uh-huh, red Mercedes.

Sir, this is Miss Chandler's datebook.

Do you see the entry
for yesterday's date?

"Houston fun PH, phone, SB".

Do you know anybody who was invited or
who came to the funeral services...

with the initials SB?

Uh, Sonny Bono,
Sandra Bullock, Steven Bochco.

Bono? Bullock? Bochco?

Wow. Man,
you really get the big ones!

The crème de la crème, sir.
That's French.

Do you know of Dan Riley?

The big dancer from the movies?

Yeah, he d*ed yesterday.
years old.

Oh, he was up there with the greats.

We're having the viewing
later this afternoon and...

then the burial tomorrow.

Oh. Gee whiz, that's funny.

What?

What you just said.

You said you always call
Miss Chandler regarding VIP funerals.

I was just at the Chandler house
and we checked her answering machine.

There were only three messages
since yesterday,

all from her secretary.

No, sir, there was no message from you
regarding Dan Riley's funeral.

I must reprimand myself.

Well, don't worry about it, sir.

When you've got your mind on big things,
goodness, you could forget anything.

Do you mind if I take one, sir?

My wife and I gotta
make a decision on this stuff.

With pleasure. And, of course,
you'll both be welcome here...

when the time comes.

You got a good sense of humour.

Oh, sir, if that red Mercedes were
here, would you know it was here?

No, I wouldn't,
but my assistant would. Rita?

We keep a log of all vehicles
that come for any bereavement.

Rita, this is Lieutenant Columbo.

He needs the car list for the Houston affair.
Would you give him any help you can?

Certainly, sir.
Follow me, Lieutenant.

Sir, this is a lovely place to go.

You got that right.

That's the complete list.

Oh, this is great. Thanks.

Is Miss Chandler's car here?

Her Mercedes? No. We all know it.

This was a taxi?

Yes, there was a taxi.

Anything odd in her behaviour?

Well, she comes here all the time.

The last I saw of her, she was putting
one of our brochures in her purse.

What was that, ma'am?

She put our brochure in her purse.

I just got this to talk to the wife,
but...

you said that
she comes here all the time.

Why would she want a brochure?

No idea.
Oh, and she kissed the corpse.

I'm sorry, ma'am?

She kissed Mr. Houston's corpse.

Hollywood's a very "kissy" town.

I even had to wipe her lipstick
off his cheek.

You did? With what?

My handkerchief.

Do you have that handkerchief?

I was going to
take it home and wash it.

Oh, here we go.

Thank you, ma'am.

Will that be all?

I think so.

So what have we got?

Her earrings...

lipstick...

her shoes...

Be there.

It has to be there.

Lieutenant!

In here, Sarge.

Lieutenant.

Well, you were right
to order up those reprints.

There were pictures of the puppy
in that envelope,

but there were exposures
on the roll. This is the th.

How did you know there'd be a th?

Cos of my brother-in-law.

Only buys film that comes
in -sh*t rolls.

He's always running out.
Drives you nuts.

Well, I took the liberty of making
some enlargements.

They might be useful.

Oh. Well, that's using your head, sir.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Yeah, that was a good idea.

Take a load off.

Thanks, Lieutenant.

Gee, this is a big place.
Any ID on this?

Uh, no.

So we still never found
the original of this photo?

No. Nowhere.

So why wasn't this photo
with the other pho...

Photos. PH.

You drink too much.

I'm a widow. I'm in mourning.

Hello.

Oh, I'm so sorry
I didn't return your call,

and actually I'm in the middle
of a meeting right now...

with the funeral director
Mr. Prince.

He says hello.

Who is it?

Lieutenant Combo?

Columbo, yes.
Say that I say hello too.

Oh. Well,
he said to say hello too.

I'm afraid I'm not gonna be here.
I have to go see my psychiatrist.

Well, I suppose I could.
All right, I'll see you there then.

My psychiatrist will have to wait,
although he does love talking to me.

Well, bye-bye.

Where is he?

Verity Chandler's house.
He wants me to stop by.

Did he say why?

He wants to ask me some questions.
Said he has a few little problems there.

I'll drive you.

Ah, Mrs. Houston.
Thank you for coming, ma'am.

I'm Lieutenant Columbo.
May I offer my condolences?

No, thanks, I've had plenty.

I'm sorry, it's just the tension.
I'm new at this widow stuff.

And it's nice to see you again, sir.

Mrs. Houston was too nervous to drive.

I'm escorting her today,
if that's all right.

Very nice. Please come in.

Careful here.

What happened?

We're not sure, ma'am.

That's why I want to ask you
a couple of questions.

I hate to do this to you, ma'am.

It's routine, you might say.
Routine.

Yes, to the usual suspects.

What has happened?

The questions
that I want to ask you...

and we're gonna be
asking everybody...

that saw Miss Chandler yesterday
the same questions...

and the question is
where were you from about...

eight o'clock last night
until seven this morning?

We'll start with you, sir.
Were you at home?

As a matter of fact,
I wasn't at home.

Not at home. Uh,

could you elaborate on that, sir?

Well, Lieutenant, I'm a bachelor.

Shall we say that
I spent the evening with a friend?

With a friend.

I hate to be indelicate, sir,

but for my investigation,
it's important to know names...

- Facts and that sort of thing.
- Specifics, yes.

All right. All right.

Ma'am?

Mr. Prince spent the evening
with me at my house.

With you, ma'am?

Yes.

At your house?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Yes, it's been a very vulnerable
and difficult time for Mrs. Houston.

She was prostrate with grief,
and I felt it was necessary...

So Mr. Prince
came over to my house...

and he gave me grief counseling.

Yes, I did.

So you counseled Mrs. Houston
right through till this morning?

Mm-hm.

Mr. Prince came over
shortly before eight o'clock...

and... Well...

here we are.

Lieutenant, do you have a moment?

Excuse me, please, Liz.

Lieutenant?

Uh, the...

the confidence that we've just shared
I imagine will go no further.

Absolutely, sir.
That is your business.

Thank you.
I appreciate that very much. Yes.

Oh, ma'am!
I have a question for you.

Would you all mind
if I had a little sh*t of something?

All this...
Well, it's given me the shakes.

Well, I'm sure if
Miss Chandler were here,

she'd be pleased to
share them with you.

- Help yourself.
- Thank you.

Just don't touch the Scotch.

Don't worry. Scotch is not my flavour.
I prefer bourbon.

Did you say something
about a question?

Yes, ma'am. You know,
I'm a dog person...

and I can usually
tell another dog person.

And I bet you're a dog person.

Well, aren't you clever?

I do have a couple of
beauties at home.

All right. Now,
you've got a -week-old puppy,

like Miss Chandler, for three days,

and you leave at ten in the morning
and you come back at eight at night.

Would you forget to feed him?

Never.

Well, that pup was not fed.
His food was in the fridge.

Until my dying day, I will
never believe that woman...

forgot that there was
a hungry puppy waiting for her.

With the mess in the hall,

maybe someone kidnapped her
before she could feed him.

She's a smart girl.

Could I trouble you? Could you
come over here, near this desk?

This is where Miss Chandler worked.

Now, uh...

these shoes.

Were these the shoes
she was wearing at the funeral?

Her shoes were black.
Yes, I would say so.

Well, they were down here. OK.

Uh, and these earrings.

Were these the earrings
she was wearing at the funeral?

Now, I know a lot about earrings
and I particularly remember them.

Yes. These are the ones.

Uh-huh. This glass was here.

That's Scotch.

So it looks like it was obvious
that this is where she was,

and, uh...

I only have one...

Excuse me, ma'am.

Would you turn your head toward
the light? That lipstick, ma'am.

Would you say that that shade...

is lighter in colour
than the lipstick on this glass?

Yes.

That shade, does it have a name?

Well, I think
it's called Afternoon Delight.

Uh-huh.

Mr. Prince, sir, did you see Verity
kiss Chuck Houston?

I don't recall that.

Oh, she did.

And frankly,
I thought it was a bit showy.

Well, your employee Rita saw it,
because apparently she...

wiped the lipstick
off of Mr. Houston's face.

And she did it with this handkerchief.

This stain, ma'am.

How would this compare...

with the lip print on the glass?

It's not the same.

Yeah. That's what I thought. Yeah.

I happened to look
into this pocketbook.

This is the pocketbook
that she was carrying at the funeral.

And sure enough...

this lipstick.

And this lipstick...

matches...

the lipstick on this handkerchief.

So this lipstick is the lipstick
that she was wearing...

during the day yesterday.

Question:
why, when she came home at night,

why did she take off
her day lipstick...

and put on dark evening lipstick...

to sit here alone,

by herself, and type?

Would you do that, ma'am?

Oh, well, I'm a little confused.

You know, they told me they think she
was working on this computer at : ,

and maybe she was, I don't know,
but they also tell me...

you push the right buttons right now,
don't ask me what they are,

you can erase that : pm and put in
: am last Christmas, so who knows?

"Only the Shadow knows."

Fascinating.

You certainly have a way with you,
Lieutenant.

Is there anything else
you require of us at the moment?

Not at this time, sir.

- Sir!
- Yes?

I'm sorry. Sir? Sorry, sir.

Uh, ma'am? I'm sorry, ma'am.

You're late, ma'am. Forgive me.

This'll just take a second.
I just forgot.

Uh, this house...

Either of you recognize this house?

Uh... no, I can't say
that I've ever seen that before.

Have you ever seen this?

No. No, I haven't.

Sorry, Lieutenant. Can't help.

All right. Thank you very much.

Bye-bye again.

Bye-bye.

Mr. Lerby, we hardly knew you.

A freshly repaired oven awaits you.

Gentlemen, I fear
this is for double occupancy.

Hey, Freddy.
What have you got for me?

I got nothing.

What's this? Soft time?

But you got a visitor.

- Eddie Fenelle?
- Yeah.

You drive cab ?

Yeah.

So what's the beef?

Sit down.

The dispatcher says
your cab picked up a fare...

three days ago in Beverly Hills
a woman named Verity Chandler.

Drove her to a funeral home.

Oh, yeah. I don't remember her name,
but I picked her up around : ,

dropped her off. End of story.

You didn't drive her home?

No.

You didn't wait for her?

No.

How'd she leave the funeral home?

How should I know?

Maybe she bummed a ride from
another friend or called another cab.

Did she have this picture?

Hey, look, she didn't jump
in the front seat with me.

We didn't get that close.
Are we done now?

We're done.

How long you been out?

How'd you know I was in?

I heard you say "soft time".
That's prison slang for easy duty.

Six weeks. I'm on parole.

Keep your nose clean.

I'll keep it so clean,
you can eat off of it.

I'm going for a burger.
Anything happens, page me.

Right.

Hey, nice talkin' to you.

Phew. Hell, man!

It is bumper to bumper out there.

You waiting on a cab?

No.

So what are you doing?
Looking for a job?

No, just sitting and thinking.

Sitting and thinking.

Well, that's a good thing
if you don't like to eat.

But if you like to eat, not much time
for sitting and thinking.

Gotta burn rubber.

"HB". What does that mean?

Uh, Hollywood Boulevard.

Hollywood Boulevard...

HB.

SB.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, I'm a cop!
I'm a cop, you monkeys!

A thousand pardons, Lieutenant.
You must forgive my security people.

The bodyguards my country provides
are professional,

but they can be overzealous
in their task.

Now, what can Sheikh Hirami do
to help the Los Angeles Police?

Sir, I'm looking into
a missing-persons case,

a woman named Verity Chandler.

Verity Chandler?
I have never heard this name.

She's a kind of TV reporter.

Ah, television!
Sheikh Hirami scoffs with derision.

You don't like television?

Television is a box of infidels.

Sheikh Hirami likes movie stars.

Ah, good.

Sheikh Hirami bought this mansion
because it belonged to the movie star...

Miss Dorothea Page.

Dorothea Page... Yes!

A great silent-film star,
became even bigger in the talkies.

This was her place?

I've lived here seven years,
and I cannot tell you...

the tourists, the gawkers.
That is why the security.

You know, of course,
when Miss Dorothea Page d*ed,

the police came too.

Why?

Surely you must know.

The case of the mysterious
missing diamonds.

Diamonds?

Uh, sir, maybe I will show you
this photograph.

What's the ruckus?

A thousand pardons.

They are upset
because just three days ago,

they chased away a woman
who took a picture.

Wait a minute.
This woman who took this picture,

did she wear a big hat?

Was that a yes?

Big, black hat, red clothes.
Very red.

Are you saying the woman wore
a big, black hat...

with a lot of red clothes,
three days ago,

took the picture and then drove away?

Yes. She got out, stole
a photograph with her camera...

and then jumped
right back into a taxi.

Taxi?!

Yes, they said taxi.

Hey, I'm not for hire.

Hey, can't you read?
The sign says no smo...

Oh, it's you. Hey, listen,
I've already got a fare.

The dispatcher tells me
you pick up the same guy...

from the same doctor
at the same time each week.

Right, and the meter's running.
What's up?

Eddie Fenelle, aka Eddie the Fence.

Six years, grand larceny,
receiving stolen goods.

Does that include a diamond necklace
once worn by a star, Dorothea Page?

Hey, you can't pin
that diamond job on me.

I got a witness can identify you
as the driver of this cab...

on the day that Verity Chandler...

took this photograph.

Now, are you gonna come clean
or do I take you downtown?

I'm not looking to hurt you, Eddie.

And right now I don't need any definites.
All I need is maybes.

- Maybes?
- Yeah, maybes.

OK, maybe.

So maybe there is somebody who did
know something about those diamonds.

This somebody didn't steal 'em,
he just handled 'em, if you know what I mean.

And then maybe this somebody
went to prison for another job,

then when he got out of the joint,
he gets a call from a woman.

She says she's a reporter and she
wants the lowdown on those diamonds.

And maybe somebody
got some money for this information.

Maybe.

And maybe
somebody's cab was used...

to drive somebody to the dead
movie star's house to take a picture.

Maybe that too.

And maybe...
Come on, Eddie. I'm waiting!

Maybe she wants this somebody to
finger the guy who stole the diamonds.

How would she do that?

She said she'd get a photo of the guy.

Bingo.

Uh, that is not an official bingo,
you understand?

That's a maybe.

But somebody identified
this man in this picture...

as the man
who fenced the diamond necklace...

belonging to Dorothea Page.

Sounds right. Maybe.

Hey, here comes my fare.

Keep that nose clean.

The service that we provide
is a business,

but how many businesses experience
the whole gamut of human emotions?

Grief, pain, anger.

Some of us call ourselves
funeral directors.

I prefer the old-fashioned word,

"undertaker".

I undertake the pain...

of the bereaved that they cannot bear.

Our business is based on trust,

and without that trust,
we lose our business.

So it is in the spirit of that trust
that I accept these awards...

and thank you all from the
bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Move over here a little bit. Let me
take that, and look at the camera.

Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, yes,
I haven't seen you for a long time.

Hey, John.
How's everything, huh? Good.

Great speech, sir. Your office
said that I'd find you here.

This is not a bad time, is it?

No. Always a pleasure.
You intrigue me.

I wanted to tell you
it wasn't Sonny Bono.

- Excuse me?
- I said it wasn't Sonny Bono.

- It wasn't him?
- No, sir. Or Sandra Bullock.

- It wasn't her?
- No, sir.

- It wasn't even Steven Bochco.
- Who was it?

You won't believe this.

- My cousin...
- It was him?

No. My cousin works for a cab company.

Drives a cab,
and I went down to see him.

They've got this big map of the city...

and he's writing on the blackboard,
"Heavy traffic, HB". "What's HB?"

He says, "Hollywood Boulevard."
Holy jamolies!

HB, Hollywood Boulevard.

SB, Sunset Boulevard!

Very good.

We're off to the bar. You joining us?

In a few minutes.
Have yourself a ball.

- You bet, sir.
- See you later.

It might be an idea if we went
somewhere private where we could chat.

Follow me.

This cousin of yours,
you see him often?

Once a month.

That should cover any fresh news
he has for you.

Is he on your mother's side?

No, sir. On my father's.

Oh, on your father's side. I see.

Lieutenant, you appear to have
something on your mind.

What's bothering you?

A couple of those photos
you took on the stand were OK,

but...

this is the man I would trust.

I'm flattered.

If you wouldn't mind
stepping over here.

I think this will provide
adequate privacy.

A nice, comfortable seat.

If you'd care to step in,
and I'll be with you in a moment.

Is there something in there, sir?

Have no fear. It's just for display.
Empty as a tomb.

Yes. Do you always carry
that paraphernalia with you?

- Sir?
- Those trappings.

All the things
that you pull out of your pockets.

You know, that Sunset Boulevard thing,
it is intriguing.

- It is, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Oh, here we are.
" noon Houston fun PH SB."

None of the SBs we thought up.

Now, phone. PH,
don't tell me that that's "phone"?

Photo.

Photo. Photo. Oh, yes.

And you did show us a photo of a house.
There must be some connection.

I found the house.

On Sunset Boulevard?

There it was, sir, big as life.

Fascinating.
Did you thank your cousin?

I did, sir.
I gave him three golf balls, but...

he'd never heard of Dorothea Page.

Dorothea Page?

It was her house, sir.
She d*ed there.

Dorothea Page. One of my idols.

Oh, she was one of the greats, sir.

A detective, Big George Tuddell,
he's an old friend of mine,

he told me that when she d*ed,

there was a million-dollar
diamond necklace on her body.

I can remember the very night.

It was a Sunday,
September ... .

Her body was brought
to the funeral home.

- You were there?
- Yes.

- At the home?
- Yes.

I was there.

Wow.

It was after midnight.
I was working late.

We had four big funerals
the following day.

I had a lot of preparation to do.

And then the phone rang.

Dorothea Page had d*ed,
could the body be collected.

So I sent the ambulance
and I just sat there devastated,

reliving my memories of her.

Then the ambulance returned,
the body was brought in and...

then the phone rang again,
and this time it was the police.

They said that inadvertently...

a diamond necklace
had been left around her neck...

before she was taken to the ambulance
and had I found it?

So I said, "Of course not."

You hadn't pulled back the covers yet!

Exactly. So I told them
I'd go and check.

So I...

I pulled the cover back
and no necklace.

Uh-oh.

So I went back to the phone and
I told the police the bad news...

and they said,
"Don't leave the premises."

I'll bet they were there
in five minutes.

Two.

You let them search the mortuary?

I insisted on it!

They never found the necklace?

Not to this day.

What a mystery, huh?

Yeah.

So what do you think
really happened, sir?

Who stole that necklace?

In my opinion, to this day,
I still believe it was the help.

The help at her house.

Why do you say that?

Her negligee.

It was stained, it was soiled.

No decent human being would let
such a lady of class be seen in a rag.

Eric, you're the man of the year.
We're waiting for you.

I'll be with you in a minute, yes.

Well, my public awaits.
Would you excuse me, Lieutenant?

Oh, go right ahead, sir.

Do you mind if I sit here
for a moment?

Something just struck me.
I have to think.

Make yourself at home.

Everyone, silence. Silence!

Thank you.

Maestro, play!

For he's a jolly good Undertaker

For he's a jolly good undertaker

For he's a jolly good undertaker

This no one who dies can deny

This no one who dies can deny

This no one who dies can deny

For he's a jolly good undertaker

This no one who dies can deny

- Drink, sir?
- A glass of orange juice, please. No ice.

Hey, hey.
See the guy next to me?

Wanna guess
what he does for a living?

Not really.

Miss, you gotta understand,

Sam hasn't been next to
a warm body in years!

I wonder why.

What's your name?

Morticia?

Gentlemen, gentlemen. Gentlemen!

Thank you. What is your name?

I'm Roberta, sir.

Roberta, to make up for the charm
and grace of my colleagues,

kindly pour a round of drinks
for the entire bar.

That'll be my treat.

Does that include me, sir?

Please. Thank you.

Just kidding, sir.
I'm still on duty.

Sorry to bother you again,
but I'd be very grateful if, uh...

you could look at this.

This is my night of honour.
I would like to enjoy it.

Oh, I understand that, sir.

And I'm gonna be out of your hair
in a jiffy.

"Report house security officer.
Woman in red dress. Big black hat."

"Took photo of Dorothea Page house
three days before funeral."

Sounds like we both know who.

Well, it had to be her, but why, sir?

Why would she do that?

No idea.

It's very disturbing, isn't it?

Very.

I could really be on my way, sir,

if you would kindly
listen to this, too.

Yes, I'll listen to it.

I'm working on a story
that'll rattle a few skeletons.

Watch this Sunday for grisly
undertakings on Sunset Boulevard.

Hmm. She certainly
has a way with words.

You're talking about...

"grisly undertakings on
Sunset Boulevard", those words.

I hope nothing serious
has happened to Verity,

but sometimes
these tabloid journalists,

they thrive on sensation.

Right, sir.
So what you figure is that...

she was gonna do one of those
sensationalized tabloid TV stories...

on you and those missing diamonds.

What do you think?

I think she was. I do, yeah. Yeah.

What about the photo of the house?

Did she take that to show her viewing
audience as part of the TV show?

So that's what you think?

Uh... no, sir.

She took that photograph...

to show to somebody at the funeral.

Really?

Ladies and gentlemen, in honour of
Eric Prince, mortician of the year,

I dug up a little
funeral medley for you all,

and it goes a little like this.

When a body meets a body

in the dead of night

Should a body hide a body?

Or cremate it tonight?

After the wake is over

After we've all gone home

After the body's buried

Then we can all get stoned

He'll be buried six feet under
when he goes

He'll be buried six feet under
when he goes

He'll be buried six feet under
and it isn't any wonder

He'll be buried six feet under
when he goes

Come on along, come on along

Eric Prince is the man of the year

Come on along, come on along

He's the reason for the beer

You know that he's the one
we all are here to see

Dear Eric

Come on along, come on along

Let's give the guy a cheer

Very nice, my friend.
Very nice. Thank you.

Beautiful.

Much as I loved her, I never
did see Dorothea Page's house.

Did anyone else recognize the photo?

No, sir. No.

Not a soul.

What a shame.

For a moment there,
I thought you were onto something.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,
let's liven things up a bit.

This is a party after all.
One, two, three, and...

Everybody, sing along.

You left this in the hearse.

I'm sure you'll wanna keep it
with your other awards.

My cousin's got one just like it
from the bowling league.

Thank you.

You'll have to forgive them,
Lieutenant.

You know, sometimes
our business can be,

shall I say, a little morbid.

Believe me, sir, if I had your job,

I'd be doing this every night!

If she was following this diamond-necklace
caper, she didn't tell me.

And you checked everything here?

You bet.
Not a mention of it anywhere.

But here's a really strange thing.

All the staff have them.
Verity always carried hers.

What is it?

It's a phone pager combined.

Here's where you paged me
to come over.

Oh, yeah.

"Lieutenant Columbo, : ."

Now, here's the really strange part.

When the public have gossip,
it usually comes in here, email,

then it's transferred to her pager.

Now,

look at the screen.

What is "interrupted"?

Cut off, gone, dead.

What could have cut off her pager...

at : ?

I have no idea.

How's the pup?

That's our remembrance package.
That costs $ , .

Oh, I'll remember that one!

Of course, we have other options.

Excuse me.
Nice to see you again, Lieutenant.

Mrs. Lerby has come
to take her husband to his final rest.

Our condolences.

Oh, jeez!

He's heavier now
than when he was alive!

Have you selected
a place for dispersal?

Well, he was the king of double knit,

so I think I'll spread him
over one of his stores.

I think that Mrs. Lerby
is pulling our leg.

The ashes will be dispersed
over the ocean...

by our helicopter at eight tonight.

Cremation, that might be the way to go.

There's no worms, but that's hot, right?

Let me show you the procedure. Please.

- Oh, thank you.
- After you.

I'm leaving now, but I'll be back
in good time for the service.

Very fine, thank you.

Boy, this place is scary!

We would wheel you in on a gurney,
just like this one,

and if I had to store you overnight,
we'd put you in here.

It's refrigerated.

Is that thing always locked?

If a body is stored overnight, it is.

We wouldn't want it
to run away on us!

No, sir. Do all the employees
have keys?

Uh, just me. Good afternoon.
Welcome to my parlour.

He's interested in
the cremation procedure.

Is he? Gerald, I'm not too happy with
the flower arrangement in the chapel.

Would you check it out? I'll take over.

Right away.
Pleasure meeting you, Lieutenant.

I'll give you the tour.

Here we have an injector tube
for blood and formaldehyde.

And here we have scalpels,
needles and thread,

putty, Pan-Cake makeup powder.

A mortician
not only has to be a surgeon,

but also part-beautician
and part-makeup artist.

Now, this thing is called a choker.

You can take it.
It's been sterilized.

We insert that into you, attach the tube,
to extract your combustible gases.

It must be a funny job, sir,
being a mortician.

It has its moments. That is
an indispensable piece of equipment.

I don't know what I'd do without it.

So you undress the body,

then you do whatever you have to do
with that stuff,

dress it again. Then what?

In the box, in the coffin, in the casket.

Like that one there, sir?

Yes, a very popular model.

Could two people fit in there?

Afraid not.
What do you have in mind?

It's a crazy thought, sir. The wife
and I, we do everything together.

Nah, forget it. Where's the oven?

The oven?

Here's our little oven.

What we do is up with the door...

in you pop, turn on the heat
and away you go.

What heat would that be, sir?

degrees.

And my wife
doesn't even like sunburn.

When it's finished,
is everything gone?

All gone.

And one person can run the oven?

Yes.

A whole body can
fit into one of those?

A human being is mostly water.

A man of your size would
probably burn down to about lbs.

Oh, I forgot something.

Yes, the Dan Riley, uh...
the Dan Riley ceremony.

These are his dancing shoes.
They'll be buried with him.

Would you care to see?

Yes, I would, sir. Yeah.

Everything would burn in that oven?

Of course, there are exceptions.

You can't cremate pacemakers,
for instance. They're made of titanium.

Mr. Houston,
he didn't have one, did he?

No.

That's much better, Gerald.

You and Hugo can go now, but do
check everything before the service.

- It shall be done, sir.
- Thank you. Hugo.

Now, after the service,

these are placed in the casket
before the casket is closed.

Sir, in case you were wondering,
Miss Chandler,

she didn't wear a pacemaker.

I wasn't wondering.

Yeah, but she did have one of these.
This is a... a pager.

She had this model, sir.
Oh, she carried this everywhere,

probably in her pocket,
and this would tell her...

when she received email messages
from the computer.

And on the day she disappeared, she
received messages, oh, let's see...

: and : ,

but then, at : ...

the pager cut off.

No more signals. Kaput.

What do you think caused that?

Oh-ho! Ah!
That is a burning question, sir.

I think she was dead.

Really?

Yeah. I think she was k*lled
right here at the Houston service.

What would the k*ller do with the body?

He would get rid of it.
He'd cremate it.

There was only Chuck Houston's
cremation that day. I did it.

Yes, so the k*ller would have
had to have switched the bodies,

switched Chuck Houston
with Miss Chandler.

I see.
So if he had switched the bodies,

that would explain
the pager going kaput.

Yes, sir. It would.

I see. Well, since there was only one
cremation that day and I performed it,

that would make me the m*rder*r.

Do tell me, do you have any bodies?

No, sir, I don't.

So if you don't have any bodies,
you can't prove there was a switch.

No, sir, I can't.

No bodies, no case.

Mm-hm. I suppose so.

That's the tricky thing
about burning questions,

once they're b*rned,
they're just ashes. Ashes!

Have you gone?

That's a nice display, ma'am.

My housekeeper made that.

If I'd done it,
they'd all be cockeyed, like me.

Nice place you got here.

Just a little ol' ranch house.
acres.

Chuck just craved it for his horses,
like I crave my bourbon.

Oh, my God!

Are you all right, ma'am?

I'm psychotic, Lieutenant.
I should get disaster aid, like Chuck.

Poor darling, he was wounded
so many times in the w*r.

Oh, you should've seen his x-rays.
They were grisly.

He only mounted one,
the one on the wall.

The one that made him limp
till the day he d*ed.

You wanna know why I'm like this?

Because when you called
and said you'd be here in an hour,

I just had to help myself
to a few cocktails...

because I know why you're here.

I just wanted
to ask you a few questions.

All right.

I confess. I confess!

I throw myself
on the mercy of the court. I did it!

Did what, ma'am?

I threw Chuck's ashes over the sign,
the Hollywood sign.

Oh, well, that's against the law,
ma'am, and...

that's not...

good.

Oh. I only did it
because I thought he'd like it.

Am I gonna do time?

You told me the best confession ever.

I did? Are you gonna arrest me?

I'm going to arrest you, ma'am,

like no one has ever been arrested before.

He was a great artist,
ladies and gentlemen.

And now a special tribute...

that I know Dan would appreciate.

Beautiful.

Just beautiful.

Thank you.

But I didn't come here
for the service, sir.

That's a pity.

But I have to speak to you,
sir, tonight.

This is not the time, nor the place.

When and where, sir?

This service will be over soon.

I'll be working late.
In my office at nine.

That should fit in very well.
At nine?

Yes. I'll leave the gate open.

You make a left, follow the building
and my office is on the right.

There's a sign.

Left, right, a sign,
and you'll be there?

- Yes!
- Thank you very much, sir,

And I'm sorry about the intrusion.

Yes!

You sure know
how to send somebody away in style.

Come in.

Good evening. Right on time.

Oh, tea for two.

I thought it might be appropriate
after that service you attended today.

I hope you... Pull up a chair.
I hope you like tea.

Oh, it's my wife's favourite, sir.

Splendid.
And help yourself to milk and sugar.

Oh, very nice, sir.
Very nice indeed.

These tongs, very nice.
My wife, she uses a spoon.

Does she?

Oh, very nice.

Nice. Never tasted anything like it.

Darjeeling.

I've been chasing guys like you
for years.

Caught every one, except you.

I hate to lose.

So do I.

You heard the one about
the wealthy old lady?

Hated her kids, but loved the dog.

I'm afraid not.

The dog always wore
a rhinestone collar.

And when the old lady d*ed,
the kids couldn't find the money.

It disappeared.

Eight years later, the dog d*ed.

It was cremated. Nothing left
except a mound of ashes...

and a $ , pile of diamonds.

So that wasn't a rhinestone collar
the dog had on. No, sir.

No. That was a $ ,
diamond collar.

Fascinating.

You see, sir, diamonds don't burn.

But you already know that, sir.

That's why you took Dorothea Page's
necklace off her dead neck,

opened her mouth
and dropped it down her throat,

so you could cremate the body
the next day...

and take the diamonds out of the oven
and put 'em in your pocket.

Why am I telling you this?
Because it makes me feel good.

I gotta get some satisfaction
out of this.

I'm gonna make an arrest tonight,

but I can't lay a finger on you, sir.

I haven't understood one word,

but that last part about the finger,
I like that.

It sounded good.
What's that thing doing here tonight?

- Oh, that's gonna land, sir.
- Is it?

Yeah, that's landing.

I'll go check on it.

Uh, sir, hold on just one minute.

Let me take another
sip of this beautiful tea.

Oh, these tongs, sir,
they're really special.

Why don't you keep them?
Save your wife using the spoon.

Thank you very much.
That's very nice.

Oh, yeah, these, uh...
They could come in useful.

Are you ready?

I'm ready now, sir.

Hey, guys, switch on your headlights
and those sidelights!

Let's get some light on this thing.

Yes, Lieutenant.

What's Mrs. Houston doing here?

That lady is my arrest.

Why?

She spread ashes over the Hollywood Hills.
That's against the law.

Oh, Eric, I've been such a fool.

Yes, it's all going to be all right.

Maybe,

if you'll tell the judge that the
warning about it's against the law...

is in very fine print.

If you'll do that,
that could help her.

It shall be done.

All right. Ma'am,
return to the police car.

Now, go.

Just precisely what is going on here?

Oh, it'll all be all right, sir.

Just to verify,

did you cremate Mr. Houston
at : pm Thursday afternoon?

I did.

Very good.

Uh, you, sir! The pilot!

They tell me they call you Joe.

Come on over here, Joe,
and bring that bag with you.

Are you from the Prince Funeral Home?

Yes, sir, I am.

And on Thursday, did this woman,
Mrs. Houston,

bring ashes aboard your copter...

and tell you to fly over
the Hollywood sign?

Yes, sir, she did.

Did she dump
those ashes over the sign?

She did.

I'll take that bag, thank you.
Did you report that?

No, sir, I didn't.

All right. Report to the squad car,
please. Thank you very much.

The name "Lerby" written here, did you
write that when you cremated the body?

Yes, I did, but how the blazes...

I radioed the pilot, ordered him back.

His licence is in jeopardy.

Ma'am, I'm Lieutenant Columbo.
We met this morning.

I gotta confiscate
your husband's ashes.

Oh, no. He's like a bad penny.

Was your husband a w*r hero?

w*r hero! He was never in any w*r.

Never served?

No, he was -F,
like everything in his life.

Never decorated?

Of course not.

Cos I'm thinking of Chuck Houston,
who was not only a movie idol,

he was a legitimate w*r hero.

Fought all across the Pacific,
was wounded, hospitalized, endured pain.

You should see his x-rays.
He even had 'em framed.

Walked with a limp
to the day of his death.

Now, Mr. Prince,

if you did cremate Chuck Houston
on Thursday, as you claim,

when Mrs. Houston spread those ashes
over the Hollywood Hills,

Chuck and everything with him
ended up on that hillside.

But if you didn't...

if, instead, his body was switched...

I thought these might be useful.

Chuck Houston
had a piece of shrapnel in him.

A piece of shrapnel made of stainless
steel, hardest metal on earth, sir.

Like titanium, it won't melt
if you put , degrees on it.

Hard evidence, very distinctive shape.

I think the chances that...

this piece of metal will match
Mr. Houston's x-rays are good.

Now, sir,
perhaps you can explain...

how a piece of Mr. Houston's...

-year-old w*r record
ended up in the urn...

of a -year-old leisurewear importer
from Sherman Oaks.

Very good.

Very, very good.

Would you excuse me, please?

Where are you going, Mr. Prince?

I'm going to the police car.

I'm wondering whether
we should travel separately,

or perhaps you'd care to join me.

Well, that's up to you, sir.
It's, uh...

your funeral.