02x14 - T-Ball & Sympathy

[bunniefuu]

With a few alterations,

Ryan Shay and I were making it work.

Who woulda thunk it?

We made it through
three major holidays,

a tooth extraction,

and a herpes scare that
turned out to be an ingrown.

We'd gotten through it all expertly,

which made me something
of a relationship expert.

It's just, I see the
way Ryan looks at you.

Mikey doesn't look at me that way.

The right guy, he's out
there, Justine. Okay?

And if you ask me,
it's Todd from PreCal.

Once he gets his headgear off,
he's gonna be a stone cold fox.

Thanks for stopping by. Next!

Let me guess.

Boys can't see past the chair.
Am I right?

Have you thought about

decorating the wheels in
an eye-catching fashion?

I need to pee.

Oh.

Naomi aside, everyone
else seemed to agree

that when it came to relationships,

"Ask Tessa" was the go-to girl.

I wouldn't.

What?

I wouldn't feed him out
of the palm of your hand.

You're emasculating him, Lisa.

Sorry, don't you have your
own boyfriend to worry about?

He's at an away game, and I
think you know that.

Students,

in preparation for our
new ravioli bar...

We have a ravioli bar?!

Not yet. I said "in preparation."

For the next several weeks,
Chef Alan will be training

under a highly gay and
attractive raviologist...

Chef Norman Neuman.

I know what you're thinking, and yes,

he was chef Alan's first
h*m* lover.

I'm gonna let that
sink in for a moment.

And now I'm going to ask

that you welcome
Norman with open arms,

as Chef Alan used to.

Uh-oh, looks like somebody's
relationship's gonna need

a whole mess'a "Ask Tessa."

- No.
- No.

I'll just grab a robe.

Oh. You didn't get my message?

Yves Clyde is running a bit behind.

- We're gonna need to reschedule.
- Reschedule?

This is the third time y'all
have canceled on me this week.

I am wearing multiple sunglasses
to hide my root situation,

but this can't persist!

I am so sorry, Miss Royce.

Yves Clyde has a new client
who's proved very demanding.

Take your time, Yves Clyde.

I want it all!

Lowlights, midlights, highlights.

And I wanna hear

absolutely everything there
is to know about your yorkie.

Noah Werner!

Does this vendetta know no bounds?

It's boundless.

You stole Carmen.

Carmen was
returned to my employ

by Father Christmas.

Plus, you stole Ashanti
our dog walker,

and you don't even have a dog!

Well, we're thinking about getting one

now that we have the
right team in place!

And how dare you, madame?

You poached Sean our mattress flipper!

His name is Shane.

See? I'm too sleep-deprived
to even remember his name.

That's what it's come to!

We need to get you rinsed out.

We want you summersy,
not Suzanne Somers-y.

Ohh!

This isn't over.

I will not rest until
I have stolen your G.P.,

your E.N.T., and your ob-gyn,

even if I have to grow
my own lady parts!

Oh. Sorry about that.

I'm afraid Noah's been a bit
unhinged ever since Carmen left.

I have my regrets about
the way it ended.

Is she... happy?

- Who? Carmen?
- Mm.

Oh, she's thriving. She's
gained her weight back.

She's showing affection.

She stopped tearing
her slippers apart.

She's in a good home now.

I'm glad to hear it.

I wish I could say the
same about my husband.

These days, coaching
that T-ball team of his

is the only thing that
gives him any normal joy.

Huh.

Funny.

I've recently developed

a keen interest in T-balls myself.

Oh.

Hey, Mr. Wolfe.

Anything I can help you with?

No, I'm good, but thanks.

You sure?

Positive.

There's nothin' you wanna "Ask Tessa"?

Trademark pending.

I feel like you're asking
me to ask you something,

but I'm not sure what you're asking,

and I'm afraid to ask.

Well, it's just that
you've been standing there,

staring at chefs Alan and
Norman for two periods now.

I can tell.

You are terrified by the idea

of them working so closely together,

clog-by-clog.

Wow. You really know
your stuff, "Ask Tessa."

Now I don't know if I
announced this part at lunch,

but Alan was married when he
met Norman at culinary school.

He left Nora for Norman.

Mm-hmm.

Who wouldn't be attracted to Norman?

He's a norseman.

Didn't realize he was from Norway.

He's not.

It's gay slang, and I'd
rather not define it for you.

I know why you feel threatened,

and it is because he is a thr*at.

I trust Alan. It's the Norseman...

that is why you need to up your game.

He's the catch of the day, and...

you are Friday's chili

made with Thursday's hamburger meat.

- Ouch. - Yeah, well,
"Ask Tessa" tells it like it is.

Do not ignore your instincts, or mine.

Remind Chef Alan

that the wolf has not been tamed.

Release the wild wolf he
once fell in love with.

Thanks, "Ask Tessa."

No thanks needed,
it is what "Ask Tessa" does.

Looks good to me. You're
beautiful as always.

You just think it looks beautiful

'cause you're ignorant.

When it comes to this stuff,
you are ignorant, George.

It's not beautiful. It's satisfactory.

Why? Susan did it.

She's a shampoo lady! A head washer.

Well, I think Susan really
stepped up to the plate.

She did no such thing,
you ignorant fool.

And furthermore,

she was unable to regale me
with stories about her toy dog

or celebrities gossip

or what it's like
vacationing in the Swiss alps.

She just talked about her mother,

who apparently has lupus.

Nothing entertaining about
that. That's just sad.

Well, just because Noah's being petty

doesn't mean you have to be.

It's time to take the
high road and disengage.

Pull out of this w*r.

Hells to the no.
It's time to surge. Surge!

I'm gonna climb on his
back and T-ball him.

- What?
- Oh, he likes coaching T-ball?

I'm gonna take away his
little bad news bears...

on their own
field of dreams like a natural.

You know what? I actually
think that's a good idea.

- You do?
- I do.

Look, I think a baseball game
is a relatively healthy way

to settle things between
you and Noah...

if it will, in fact, settle things.

Do you think this will finally
help you let go of your grudge?

If I win.

You wanted to see me?

In your den?

Tessa, please have a seat.

You ruined my life.

What? What happened?

What didn't?

You said to remind him of
how we first fell in love.

Well, we fell in love at Xanadude,

the first gay roller rink in Chatswin.

You said unleash the wolf!

I didn't say to unleash
the purple hot pants!

Alan is silently furious with me.

It's his quiet I fear most.

And also his leaving me for Norman.

And also dying alone.

And shiny floors.

I have a lot of fears.

Maybe he's not as mad as you think.

Let me suss it out.

Got it. What should I do?

Change.

Listen up, y'all!

First, assume a wide stance.

Second, squirt a dime-sized
portion of sunscreen

into your palm.

Make sure it's oil-free.

And then you're gonna apply
it with a sweeping motion.

Start at the base of your
throat and sweep upwards.

Upwards.

Upwards, Keith.

Uh, Coach?

You might wanna get
to the actual sport.

Practice is only an hour.

Well, George, I was getting to that.

Now... I need each of you

to develop your very own fancy run.

This is a perfect way to
express your individuality

while you're running towards that...

filthy pillow.

Also known as first base.

George, you're confusing
them with your jargon.

Okay.

Nicole, I know you love unicorns.

Let me see a unicorn run.

Yes!

Ohh, I love it, Nicole!

I feel like I'm in Narnia!

Maybe you should have
the kids practice hitting.

George, I'm sorry, but
I can't condone v*olence.

Not now, not ever.

Wow.

I've never been in the
cafeteria after school.

You think the ice cream is unlocked?

This will only take a minute.

I just have to suss out to Alan.

Never takes me long to suss.

Don't you have your own
relationship to "suss"?

I told you. He's at an away game.

Ooh! Oh!

I don't know. I just...

I feel very anxious
about the whole thing.

It's not anxiety. It's excitement.

Promise me you'll come tomorrow night.

Who am I kidding? I...

I won't be able to stop myself.

It will be a night to remember.

Okay.
I'm gonna hold you to that.

Yeah, I'll rush over as soon
as Wolfe leaves for boxing.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, my God!

Chef Alan's cheating!

Oh, my God. Mr. Wolfe boxes?

Unless that's gay slang.

Okay, after watching today's practice,

it's clear to me you know little
if anything about the game.

I don't mean to be harsh,

but there is no way
you are going to win.

George, take that back.
Failure is not an option.

It's one of my top three
most hated things,

right behind decorated
denim and pinheads.

Well, I'm sorry, but you
can't have a T-ball team

that doesn't know how to play T-ball.

Will you help us?

I really don't want to get involved

in this feud between you and Noah.

But how are we supposed to
settle it fair and square

when our team is at a
distinct disadvantage,

on account of me not knowing
jack squat about T-ball?

You got a point.

Plus, I'm your girl.

You can't just left another
man take a dookie on my dignity.

Dallas, all right.

If I agree to help you out,

we've gotta focus on the
fundamentals, not the fun.

Sure! That sounds like fun.

What? No, it's not.

Right.

What I meant was, it sounds
like a real good time.

It's not gonna be a good time.
It's gonna be lots of work.

But in the end,

the hard work will pay off
when we defeat Noah Werner,

and that'll be fun.

Look, I know some of
you are disappointed.

You... you miss Dallas'
way of doing things,

and you miss your sparkly uniforms.

But those uniforms were hurting us.

- Mine didn't hurt. - It did, Kevin.
You just didn't know it did.

My name's not Kevin. It's Kevuel.

I'm Kimantha's brother.

Okay. g*ng, to win,

we're gonna have to
look and act normal,

like professional T-ball players.

So from this point on,

Kevuel's gonna be "Kevin,"

and all of us are gonna
focus on fundamentals.

We're gonna work on our fielding,

we're gonna work on our hitting,

and we're gonna work on
building a winning team...

if that's okay.

Is that okay?

I said, is that okay?!

Yeah, it's okay, George.

But can we still do our fancy runs?

No. No! No fancy runs.

But our fancy runs show the other team

our individuality!

- Yeah! - No. No, Nicole.
- No, our fancy runs show the other team

we have no idea what we're doing.

All right, guys. Let's get
to work! Grab your mitts!

Get out there! Let's go!

[ ♪ It's Tricky ♪ by Run-D.M.C. ]
♪ I think it's very vital ♪

♪ to rock a rhyme ♪

Keep it up! Keep it up!

- There you go!
- ♪ Here we go! ♪

Let's go! Let's go!
Keep 'em goin'. Come on!

Come on! Push it! Push it!

Push it! Come on! Push it!

♪ tricky, tricky, tricky ♪

♪ it's tricky to rock a rhyme ♪

♪ to rock a rhyme,
that's right, on time ♪

♪ It's tricky ♪

♪ tr-tr-tricky, tricky ♪

Uhh!

All right, guys. Here we go.

Let's hit some balls.

Uhh!

Uh... not bad. Not bad.

Good cut. Good cut.

♪ It's tricky to rock a
rhyme that's right! ♪

Okay. Gotta... you gotta
look at the ball.

Hey. Okay. Hey! Come on now! Come on!

♪ It's tricky to rock a rhyme ♪

♪ to rock a rhyme,
that's right, on time ♪

♪ It's tricky, tricky,
tricky, tricky, huh! ♪

Focus up, guys. Focus up.
Eye on the ball!

Watch the ball go all
the way into your glove.

Here we go. Here it comes.

Ooh! Oh! K... Kev!

Stay in front of those! Jenni
could've gotten that one.

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

Nothing.

You mean because I'm a girl?

No. No, I mean because you're...
not good.

I'm tired. Do you have
any frozen treats?

Frozen treats?! What?!

I'm your coach. I'm not
the ice cream man.

I don't even think this
jackass has a juice box on him.

- Yeah, and he's sexist.
- Okay, you know what?

It'd be sexist if I
didn't tell you the truth.

Ugh!

- Okay, she's angry. Good!
- I quit!

That's good! We can use that anger!

George, I think you're losing 'em.

I'm not losing them.
I'm... I'm breaking them.

And then I'm gonna rebuild them!

Oh! You mean like Jill Werner did

with her premarital hook nose?

Kind of.

Stand up, guys. Come on! Stand up!

St... I'm... I'm gonna
hit it either way!

He really is boxing.
That is not gay slang.

Punch with your legs,
not your ovaries.

Mr. Wolfe, what are you doing?

I'm training the next

middleweight champion of the
world. What are you doing?

There is so much we don't
know about his private life.

Mr. Wolfe, I really
need to talk to you.

You might wanna sit down for this.

It's worse than I thought.

Chefs Alan and Norman...

are having an affair.

Worst time... to
put water in someone's mouth.

You n... practically drowned me.

- There ya go.
- Lisa and I overheard them

planning a hookup in the cafeteria.

I wouldn't say anything
unless I was % sure.

Some of us are a little shy of %.

Some of us are hovering around %.

He told me he was just
going over to Chef Norman's

to watch the Oscars.

Yeah? Did he? Then why didn't
he invite you to go with him?

He knows that I've boycotted
the Oscars every year

since the soul-crushing
tragedy of ' .

What that the year...

And the nominees are...

Judy Davis,

Joan Plowright,

Vanessa freakin' Redgrave.

And the Oscar goes to...

Marisa Tomei for "My Cousin Vinny."

That was the h*m* O.J. verdict.

So that's why they didn't invite him.

Maybe they really are
having an Oscar party.

Yeah. No, maybe they are.

In their pants.

Hope you don't mind. I let myself in.

Noah! Jeez! What the heck?

You trying to give me a heart att*ck?

- I might ask you the same thing.
- Wow!

What is with the new 'do... Mufasa?

Oh, ho ho ho ho!

Oh, you're hilarious George.
You should open for Louis C.K.

- Really? You think I'm ready?
- Oh, absolutely.

I... I think he'd be
lucky to have you...

Once he hears that great joke

about you helping Dallas defeat me.

Is this about T-ball?
Is that what this is?

Yes.

That's what this is.

Look at you... with
a whistle around your neck.

You disgust me.

I thought that you were
Crockett and I was Tubbs!

I thought that you were
Tango and I was Cash!

I thought that you were Dunston

and I had checked in!

- Sorry?
- You haven't seen that movie?

It's about this monkey and this hotel.

They're best friends!

Yeah, but the only thing
you wanna check into anymore

is your girlfriend.

Okay, Noah, listen to yourself.

Okay, look at your hair!

This w*r between you
and Dallas has to stop.

I'm begging you.

Settle it on the T-ball field

and then move on with your lives.

She's taken everything
from me, George.

Everything.

And now I'm gonna take
everything from you,

starting right there.

Ah, ha ha ha!

Ha!

Whoops! Mine now.

Oh, hope you don't make any spills.

Huh?

Really? You're gonna
take my smoke detector?

Oh, yeah! I'm taking everything.

Everything!

I feel weird.

We didn't even fill
out an Oscar ballot.

Since it's not a real Oscar
party, it doesn't matter.

How can you be so sure?

Look, I know sometimes it's hard to

confront things in our
relationships we don't want to,

but if Chef Alan is not
being honest with you,

don't you wanna know?

Oh, thank God!

Look, "Ask Tessa,"

it's just boring old
Alan sitting on the couch.

For a moment,
we thought you were...

What's that?

Uh, what's what?

That thing.

And the award for best
original tongue kiss goes to...

Oh.

Uh... On the bright side,

this takes the whole sting out
of the Marisa Tomei incident.

All right, buddy!
Good hit! Good swing, man!

Whoo! Way to go!

Way to make it to the filthy pillow!

Look, George, they're doing it!

We're gonna b*at him to a bloody pulp!

Oh, yeah.

What the hell was that, Seth?!

Oh, I actually hate you right now.

I hate you outside of the game.

Not as a first baseman, as a person!

- You guys suck!
- What's your problem?

You stink!

You're a bunch of hacks!

Losers! Losers!

Dallas, I think I was wrong.

Sweep the leg!

Whoa. No, don't sweep anything.

- Look at these kids.
- You guys stink!

- I ruined them.
- You guys suck!

You were right. They... they
should be playing for fun.

They should be...

playing for wristlets and...
and fancy runs

and frozen treats.

Those things would've
cost us our victory.

We can win this, George.

Sweep the leg!

Fine. Sweep the leg.

Sweep the leg if you
care more about winning

than you do about humanity.

Sweep the leg if you want this
petty rivalry to own your soul.

- Sweep the leg if...
- You heard him!

Sweep the leg!

No. No.

Ow!

Visitors disqualified! The
dental decay sluggers win!

- Yeah!
- Boom!

Yeah! Oh, man.

Well done!

- You had to know.
- What?

You had to know that your
kid would be disqualified

for cobra kai'ing my third baseman.

And I know why you did it.

Ow!

- You did it for me.
- N... no.

Noah, I didn't do it for you.

I tried very hard to
stop it, actually.

No.

I know you did.

You did everything you could.

I would do the
same thing for you, buddy...

any one of these kids.

You just say the word.

Thanks?

Which kid, though?

I need to know which kid.

Unless you want me to pick.

Just remember...

you're the reason we won this game.

I don't know what came over me.

And it's not like playing
dirty helps. We lost!

Did we?

Yes. I checked the
scoreboard to make sure.

No, I meant in a bigger sense.

Yeah, I know. We lost
in a bigger sense, too.

Poor sportsmanship,

ugly, ugly costumes,

and we injured a boy.

Yes, but we learned an
important lesson...

which means we won.

George, you're looking
on the bright side.

- You got that from me.
- Ow!

Oh! Oh!

Well, I can't unbreak his leg,

but I can unbreak this
feud with Noah Werner.

Wait. You can unbreak it?

That means the feud's back on.

You wanna break it, not unbreak it.

- Right?
- Mm-hmm.

Great job out there.

Sometimes doing the right
thing still feels wrong.

There's nothing a -day
old gingersnap can't fix.

How about adultery?

"Ask Tessa" knew it all along.

I wish she was wrong, but...

she just never is.

No, not when it comes to
other people's problems.

Are we off me already?

What are you trying to say, Lisa?

I'm trying to say that,

sometimes it's easier to
diagnose other people's problems

than your own.

There's no such thing
as a -day away game?

There is no such thing
as a -day away game.