02x16 - How to Be a Baby

[bunniefuu]

George didn't love shrinks.

But he also knew when
he was in over his head,

and such was the case

when Noah announced his
undying love for...

Carmen.

Great.

And...

Uh, C... Carmen wrestling a snake.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Carmen as a butterfly...

making love... to a dragon's face.

Al Jarreau.

Wait, wait, wait.

Al Jarreau straddling Carmen.

Fantastic.

Oh. Are you writing a prescription?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

Okay.

Hey. How... how... how is he?

The man is obsessed, quite frankly,

with Carmen, his former housekeeper.

I knew it. I knew it. This is a mess.

He thinks he's in love with her.

But he's not. It's a midlife crisis,

and it is incredibly
common, and it will pass.

Okay. You sure?

- It's classic caregiver transference.
- Uh-huh.

Triggered, perhaps,

by being married to an icy, strident,

self-important, castrating W.A.S.P.

So you've met Jill?

I've met everyone.

Right. Well, there... there's
gotta be something I can do.

Well, there is. Keep
his mind off of Carmen

- and redirect those thoughts.
- Mm-hmm.

Introduce some fun new
hobbies, great food, perhaps.

I know this fantastic
place for baklava,

if he partakes in something like that.

You may also want to employ
a little light smack talk.

Offer up some disparaging
remarks about Carmen.

Hmm. Will that work?

It may.

For example, um...

"Carmen isn't even that pretty."

Or, "if you ask me,
Carmen isn't too pretty."

Or, "there are a lot of
other girls out there"...

Aah!

Passion, when expressed non-violently,

- can be beautiful.
- Noah!

But just because you're
passionate about something,

doesn't necessarily mean that
others share your passion.

Oh, Tessa, just look how the
sunlight kisses each crystal

and sends all those
refractions just flyin'.

Oh, isn't it
just a thing of wonder?

Tessa, do you or do you not

feel like you're doing
the rumba inside a rainbow?

Oh. Yeah. Totally.

Sorry, Dallas.

I'm just really stressed
about this whole college thing.

I mean, watching Ryan go through it,

I can't stop thinking about next year.

My grades are fine, but I'm
not sure that's enough anymore.

I need to be more impressive.

Impressive? Tessa,
you're very impressive.

After all, how many
high school students

can boast to being named

senior vice president
of prismatic affairs

at a crystal cup of crystals?

I don't think the
schools I'm looking at

are gonna care about that.

I... I need a credential
with more substance.

Dallas, may I post a
flyer in your shop window

for my book signing?

As you may recall, I'm
a published author.

And as such, I find my readers

really do relish the
opportunity for face time.

Excuse me, Mrs. Werner.

I'd be happy to post
flyers for you around town,

or help you with anything
else you may need.

- Interning for a published author...
- Which I am.

Would look really good
on my college application.

An intern. What a novel idea.

Pun intended, constructed,
and delivered impeccably.

You'll start at once.

You don't mind, right, Dallas?

I mean, it's been pretty
slow around here.

I'm sure you can manage without me.

Manage? Don't be silly. A
monkey could do this job.

Oh. Absolutely. That's
what I've always said.

I'll just go ahead and place
an ad for part-time help...

at the zoo.

Sensational.

Tessa, you're hired. You have the job.

And I use that term loosely,
because there is no pay.

- Understood.
- I'm tough, but not fair.

Mr. Wolfe?

What are you doing?

Oh, Dalia, don't mind me.

Since Chef Alan adulterated
our relationship,

I've decided to throw
out absolutely everything

that reminds me of him.

Which is absolutely everything.

What about the microwave?

What about the microwave?

Doesn't the microwave
remind you of Chef Alan?

Not really.

But the microwave cooks
food, and so does Chef Alan.

No, I see your point.

You should throw out your microwave.

Okay. I know. It's just...

I use my microwave...

a lot.

Yeah.

And besides, Mr. Wolfe,

getting rid of all your stuff

isn't gonna make you
feel better anyway.

It isn't? Well, what is?

- Mmm!
- You like it?

I love it!

Almost as much as I love...

Don't say it. Come on.

Don't... don't even say her name.

You need to wipe every thought...

She was good at wiping stuff.

Noah...

She was. She wiped everything.

My counters, my windows,

and you should have seen
the way she polished a knob.

She loved it.

It wasn't a chore.

She was greedy for it.

Hmm.

She was a sorceress.
A playful sorceress.

She invented this great game

where she would disappear
into thin air.

And the moment that Opus
and I began to get nervous,

she would reappear!

It was a miracle.

It was peek-a-boo.

It was pure magic.

I'm trying to help you here, Noah.

You're a married man.

My body may be married.

But my soul... it runs free,

through the night,
into the thicket,

where warm Carmen awaits,

in the damp, salty night air.

Hey!

You need to stop indulging
this fantasy and move on.

- Move on?
- Yes.

Ever since Carmen left, I
haven't been able to sleep.

I haven't been able to eat.

Really? Seem... seems like

you're doing just fine
with the baklava.

Yeah, well, this happens
to be delicious.

As you can see, I moved
my desk in here,

on the front lines. This allowed me

to observe my subject in
its natural habitat.

- Tessa, I beg you.
- Sorry.

In any case, the more
I studied the baby,

the more I realized he has
no idea what he's doing.

Babies are born into this world

with their heads up their diapers.

They have no idea how to be a baby.

Hence...

my latest book.

You're out, now what?"

Wow.

How brave of you to target a
demographic that doesn't read.

You know what?

They'll never learn if
you coddle them, Tessa.

Never.

Now as my intern, your main duty

is to nurture and support
my creative process

and to count out

my daily nutritional
allotment of almonds.

Six almonds.

No more, even if I beg.

You are not to give me
a single almond over six.

Think I can handle that.

That's only because
you've never seen me beg.

Six almonds.

- What if I'm starving?
- So what?

Six almonds.

Bravissima.

Oh, wait a minute.

It actually says here
serving size is seven almonds.

So let's make it seven almonds.

"Seven almonds."

Got it.

Add one more almond to the pile,

and we're all set.

Coming right up.

Thank you, Tessa.

Aah!

You imbecile.

You gullible, malleable fool.

I just tricked you into
giving me another almond.

I tricked you!

You have to be ready.

- But...
- Butts are for people

who eat more than six
almonds in a sitting.

And as you can see from my butt,

that ain't me.

Pun intended.

So that's why he's been so
upset over Carmen leaving?

I had no idea Noah is
in love with Carmen.

Okay, okay. Da... Dallas,

not a... not a word to anyone.

And you cannot say anything to Jill.

I can't imagine
how she'd feel.

Or if she'd feel.

Jill tends to resist feeling.

For instance, she felt nothing

when she stole your
daughter from my employ.

Okay, well, I think... I think Tessa

thought that was a good opportunity.

Hey, as rewarding as the
crystal field has been for you,

it's probably not where she
sees herself in five years.

No? I guess she sees herself residing

in the frigid, flaky recesses
of Jill Werner's tailpipe.

Wow. You really paint a picture.

But truthfully, that
coldness, I think,

is part of the problem.

I mean, Carmen... she
was warm with Noah.

I know. She's the best.
She's numero uno.

Yeah, but the timing.

I mean, they have a new baby.
They have to stick together.

Right, and it's not exactly

like Carmen's expressed the
same feelings towards him.

Since she's been here,

she has not mentioned
Noah's name once.

Noah? If I may ask, how is he?

- Oh. Uh, he's... he's good.
- He's good.

- He's doing real good.
- Real good.

Please give this to him for me.

He always forgets to wipe down
the touch screen of his phone.

It tends to get so greasy.

I... I will... see that he gets this.

Thank you. On a lighter note,

I pulled three handfuls
of yellow wig hair

from the drain in the downstairs bath.

I'll talk to Dalia.

He needs a new look,

one that says, "you cheated on me,

you're a cheater,

drop dead, you h*m* cheater."

But without losing a lot of length.

How about some daring magenta tips?

Ooh, like that.

But do daring magenta tips say,

"I hope you stop breathing
in your sleep"?

Mm, no. But they do say,

"I'm fun. You're not.
I hope you get S.A.R.S."

'Kay.

This is exciting.

No, Mr. Wolfe.

This is w*r.

Okay. I stuffed your face
in all these envelopes,

cubed your bedtime gouda,

and ordered refill bags
for the diaper genie.

Is there anything else
you'd like me to do

before I head out?

Tessa, why did you
take this internship

working for me? It's funny.

I was actually just asking
myself the same question.

I think I know the answer.

I think that there's a part of you

that dreams of one day
being a published author.

You know, maybe you're...

Of course I'm right.

Which is why I'd like to give you

a little creative writing assignment.

Really?

That's great. I mean, thank you.

You are very welcome.

So what's the assignment?

I'd like you to help Opus

write a review for my new book.

Wait, what?

It'll take a little
creativity on your part,

and a willingness to try on his.

Don't think I understand.

He will speak without words,

and you will listen without ears.

I have ears.

Then you heard how...
poetic that sounded.

Let me get this straight...

You want me to ask Opus
what he thought of your book,

and then transcribe his
incoherent babbling...

Into a review that you post on Amazon.

If there's another printing,

it may even wind up on the jacket.

I'll be your first published piece,

and my first five-star review.

How do you know Opus is
gonna give you five stars?

He connects with the
material. See for yourself.

And I just thought some fresh air

and a new hobby, like tapping syrup,

would help get your mind off of...

Tapping Carmen?

I get it. You're a good friend.

Well, I'm just trying
to look out for you, man.

I can tell you from experience,

the single parent thing is not easy.

And neither is marriage,

but you can't just bolt
when things get hard.

- No. You're right.
- Yeah.

My place is in Jill Werner's
bony, punishing arms.

Besides, if Carmen felt the same,

she would have reached out by now.

Some small gesture, but she hasn't.

Yeah.

L... let's go home.

- Yeah?
- Let's take our sap,

run it through the
reverse osmosis filter,

boil it, evaporate it, bottle it...

and then go home.

[ Pink ] ♪ I don't know if
I could yell any louder ♪

My only question is,

is it gay enough?

Absolutely.

I think it's naughty.

It is.

Thank you guys for the pick-me-up.

I really needed it.

Where do I pay?

You don't pay. Chef Alan pays.

Actually, he does pay.

Fine. You pay, and
then Chef Alan pays.

This is only phase one, Mr. Wolfe.

Phase one?

You look better, but
you don't feel better.

And in order to feel better,

you need to make Chef Alan feel worse.

You need to find his sad
button and his mad button,

and push them both...

like, times in a row.

How do you know all this?

Dalia, did someone break your...

What's that noise?

She's crying.

- Crying?

Are you sure? There are no tears.

Yeah. She taught herself
to dry cry years ago

to avoid ruining her makeup.

It'll run its course.

It often stops just as suddenly as...

Do you guys wanna get Sushi?

"The only thing that stinks

more than this book is my diaper.

All the wipes in the world

won't freshen up this turd.

Signed, Opus Werner."

Throwing Opus under
the bus, aren't ya?

Uh, I'd like to think Opus and I

are of the same mind on this.

Well, it sounds like somebody
has mastered how to be a baby.

It's not me. It's her.

Jill Werner is the most
vapid, self-obsessed narcissist

I have ever met.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Why are we eating syrup?

Well, I didn't get the Greens.
You want some on your Greens?

- The Greens?
- Yeah.

No, dad, I don't.

We can choose to bask
in the negativity

because somebody had a
bad day at the office,

or we can happily guzzle

the sweet, Amber fluid of the lord.

There. Now it's on your Greens.

- George, the woman is a monster.
- Okay.

I honestly don't know how
Noah stays married to her.

Part of me wants to
slip him a note that says

"run. Run for your life."

Please do not do that,

because I have been working very hard

to keep that from happening.

Look, I'll admit that Jill is not
like most of the moms in Chatswin.

But she's a career woman.

I thought you of all people
would appreciate that.

I thought you looked up to her.

I did, until I got to know her.

Have you seen how she conducts
herself around a plate of almonds?

Well, she's got a lot going on.

Have you ever written a body of work

you were extremely proud of?

I imagine it takes a lot out of you.

Oh, my God. George, why
are you defending her?

And then I thought,

my God, George, why are
you defending her?

And I realized

that it's impossible for me
to hear you talk about leaving

without remembering what
it felt like to be left.

I'm Jill.

I'm an unpublished Jill
Werner, years out.

Grim.

I wasn't being objective,

or a good friend.

I... I have no right telling you...

Look, don't b*at yourself up, buddy.

Carmen and I weren't meant to be.

Like I said, if she
felt anything for me,

she would have reached out by now.

Yeah.

Well, that's the thing.

Where did you get this?

From Carmen. She asked
me to give it to you,

and I didn't, because...

I knew it.

I knew it.

She does care.

I am leaving my wife...

for Carmen!

- Whoo-hoo!
- Noah? Darling?

Well, today's pain is
tomorrow's best-seller.

Am I right?

Sweets...

When your strike
reaches its intended target,

there's something
bittersweet about the moment.

On the one hand, it's great
to watch your tormentor fall.

On the other hand,

watching them fall reminds
you that they're human.

Jill...

I'm sorry about that.

I can't understand what
went wrong with us.

I know how painful this must be.

Oh, I looked like a fool today.

Meaning I... I think
maybe Noah has been...

Noah? I'm talking about you.

I asked you to do one thing for me.

Craft a five-star ok review
from my child's point of view.

- And what you...
- Hold on.

Are you really telling me

that you're more upset about
the book review I posted

than you are about...
the end of your marriage?

Look, Noah leaving me for Carmen

is a real crap sandwich.

But you know something?

It came on ciabatta.

[ Greg Laswell's "Girls just
want to have fun" playing ]

What's this? You already
started a new book?

A new chapter.

Ahh.

Mm.

Maybe this one will
be worth a damn.

And then it occurred to me...

no matter what I thought
of Jill Werner,

it would never be as bad

as what Jill Werner
thought of herself.

♪ Those girls, they... ♪

- ♪ ..wanna have fun ♪
- Hey, Dallas.

Tessa. How are you doing?

Have you climbed your way
up the literary food chain

and secured the college
credential of your dreams?

Actually...

I'd really like to come
back and work for you,

if you'll have me.

Well, I don't know, Tessa.

No college admissions director

- is gonna look twice...
- I don't care.

Working for Jill might
look better on paper,

but she can't teach me anything
about being a good person.

And... who can, exactly?

Okay, now you're just fishing.

Well, go on, let me catch something.

You, Dallas.

I can learn about being
a better person from you.

Who?

I like the way you say that.

Where is she?

Carmen.

Carmen!

In the bathroom!

It better be number one, woman,

'cause I'm coming in.

This can't wait! Ahh!

Mr. Werner!

Don't move a muscle, Carmen.

I want to remember you just like this.

It's going to cause a flood.

I don't care! Let it!

Why didn't you contact me?

I waited every day for
you to contact me,

and you never did!

I wrote you E-mails,

one E-mail a day for days.

What address did you use?

The A.O.L. one.

I don't check that account.

It's too late now.

It's over.

It's not over.

It's never over!

What the hell?!

I thought you said
you missed me.

I miss working for you.

I'm sorry, but I only
like you as a boss.

What about the chamois?

It was for wiping things.

No. No. I won't go.

No, this is too easy, Carmen!

I didn't fight for you last time.

I'm not gonna make the
same mistake twice.

I have a lot of mopping to do.

Well, then, I'm gonna
stand right here beside you,

and I'm gonna watch you mop.

Well, I can't if you're
in the middle of the floor.

Well, I have to show you that
I'm not giving up on this.

Where do you want me to stand?

I don't know. On the toilet?

Fine. Just...

You're beautiful.