02x17 - Eat, Pray, Eat

[bunniefuu]

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday dear... ♪

♪ Daddy Altman ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

And look, George,

there's an actual fortune inside.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

"You will not forget gratuity."

Ready for presents?

Bring 'em on.

Want some help?

- Don't touch.
- Okay.

Here. This was really thoughtful of me.

Oh, well, we'll just see about that.

It's a weekend getaway at a five-star B&B.

Wow.

It's a really romantic place.

Exciting!

Everyone who goes there gets super horny.

Dalia.

When you guys go there,

you'll definitely end up
having sex with each other.

- Why are you so disgusting?
- Why are you such a prude?

Girls, I'm sure there are
many other attributes

we can focus on. Look...

they offer horseback riding, a hedge maze,

oh, and lighthouse tours.

Everyone hooks up after
the lighthouse tour.

Okay.

A lighthouse is basically
a bright, shining...

penis.

My turn!

Wha... uh-oh. Uh-oh.

I wonder what in
the world this might be.

You'll never guess!

Okay.

Yes, look at that.

Would... would you look at that?

Oh. Okay. It's one of those.

Wow, I... you know, I always wondered

if I... I could... I... I
could pull one of these off.

Of course you can, George.

You deserve a guitar as sexy as you...

and... the man who autographed it.

Okay, yes. Well, um...

Deryck Whibley!

It's a signed Whibley, George.

Uh... are ya over the moon?

Ah... it came with this here certificate

of whiblenticity.

And an iron-on patch for your jean coat.

O... okay. Well, that was very, very sweet.

- Oh, you're welcome.
- My turn.

Wow. You got him a square.

That's the shape of what I got him,

except... it's a rectangle.

Happy Birthday, dad.

Oh, wow. You got him old blue paper.

It's a blueprint.

A design from your early
days at architectural school.

I found it at my grandma's.

Why isn't he saying anything?

Maybe he's got a noodle
stuck in his throat.

That happens to me sometimes.

Even after I finish chewing and swallowing,

then suddenly I realize,

"you know what?

"I have a noodle in my throat,

just sittin' there."

I don't have a noodle stuck in my throat.

I was just speechless for a moment.

Are you upset?

Nowhere near it.

Come here.

Thank you.

Well, guys,

this has been so...

: reservation.

Special.

Yeah, guys, get your stuff.

O... okay, let me... yeah, I'm coming.

Come on, girls. Let's go.

Come on. Let's go.

Is that true? Do lighthouse
tours make people horny?

I have no idea.

Makes sense.

If you think about it, a lighthouse

is basically just a bright, shining penis.

I don't wanna argue about this.

But all things considered,

it was still a really good birthday.

George seemed happy,

and he got kind of emotional

when he opened the present I got him.

It almost looked like he was gonna cry.

Yeah, my father weeps every birthday,

but it has less to do with
being emotional about gifts,

and more to do with the death clock

ticking loudly in his ears.

You guys! Trance party
this weekend at Dalia's.

No, thanks.

Are you crazy?

Tessa, did you not hear what I
just said about the death clock?

Let's enjoy our youth while
we have it, shall we?

George!

Oh, hey, Dallas. Okay, honest opinion...

should this go above the drafting table

or by the bar?

Gee, I don't know.

Maybe you oughta hang it
where the sun don't shine.

Oh, crap.

Yeah, apparently, you thought so.

I... I forgot the guitar.

Dallas, I'm sorry.
There was so much going on.

Remember? The... the... the
: reservation was waiting?

Look here. If for some reason

you don't fancy a guitar signed
by Deryck freakin' Whibley,

you should just come on out and say so.

I do, baby. I do. I'm sorry.

I... I fancy it.

'Cause Whibley used a guitar just like this

during his Sum 's entire
"Strength in Numbers" tour.

"Strength in Numbers." Yes,
I... I know. It's a beauty.

So just say the word,
George. You just say the word

and I'll get you a flaccid,
cable-knit cardigan,

if that's preferable.

Dallas, listen to me.

I love it. I do.

And I love you for getting it for me.

Well, you have a funny way of showing love.

Okay, let me make it up to you.

I'm gonna run out to the
garage, grab an amp,

and play your favorite feel-good song.

What's your favorite feel-good song?

- I don't have one.
- Oh, of course you do. Come on.

What can I play to put a smile
on that pretty face of yours?

"Bump N' grind."

I know "Lady in Red."

Alex's studio?

And that's when Dallas realized

that her present had been
upstaged by George's past.

A trance party?

Come on, Tessa. Why not? It would be fun.

Tessa's not fun.

Tessa's prematurely boring.

- I beg your pardon.
- See?

I am scads of fun.

Fun people don't say "scads."

Tessa just turned with her father.

Really? I did?

So then how would you explain the fact

that three nights ago, I
had a waffle for dinner.

A waffle.

Uh-oh.

That is a breakfast food.

Oh, well, folks!

Had one for dinner!

It doesn't get much wackier than that.

Actually, I think it gets much wackier.

DJ Lance trance from France.

His music will entrance you.

If you let it.

How did this happen?

I used to be the edgy one.

I used to be a badass.

And now, after two
years in suburbia,

I'm an unfun prude?

What is she doing?

Oh, I believe she's thinking.

Well, I'm done thinking. And... I'm in.

Yeah, I'm in.

And... and I'm fun and I'm wild

and I'm down to do whatevs to help.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go...

wizz-nosh my food holders.

Yup! I called 'em "food holders,"

'cause that's what they does.

Meanwhile, Dallas sought
refuge in the place

where all the unsatisfied
women of Chatswin

found satisfaction... the ziti zone.

Jill! Jill Werner!

- Mm?
- Jill had found more satisfaction than most.

I'm so glad I found you.

Mmm. Mmm.

Dallas. Have you eaten?

The fettuccine carbonara
tastes like two angels made it.

Two angels who are pretty liberal

with their use of cream and cheese

and ham.

Oh, I can't eat, Jill.
My stomach's in knots.

I messed up.

I messed up big-time.

I let myself fall in
love with George Altman

even though...

Even though what?

Don't get me wrong, Jill.

George cares for me, I know he does,

but I am not the love of his life.

I am just the love in his life.

Oh.

I feel so vulnerable.

What should I do, Jill? Tell me.

You're the strongest white woman I know.

Besides P! nk.

Look, Dallas,

I can't sit here and pretend
to have all the answers,

or enough fresh pepper.

Thank you.

When Noah first left...

I will let you know when I'm done...

I was
filled with despair.

But then I did something radical.

I did something that no one
in their right mind would do.

I purchased "Eat Pray Love" on Blu-Ray.

You heard me. I own it now.

And while I
haven't yet transitioned

from the eating phase,

I feel remarkably better,

in part because I hadn't consumed
carbohydrates in years.

So are you trying to tell
me that your inner strength

comes from...

Carbo loading.

Mmm.

And listening to my inner voice...

which is telling me to carbo load.

Well, you do seem remarkably content.

Mmm...

I am, Dallas. I am.

And so while I don't mean to oversimplify

your issues with George,

I feel I would be remiss if I didn't ask.

Would you like an endless
bowl of spaghetti?

Why, yes.

Yes, I suppose I would.

Sorry I can't
take your call right now.

I'm doing me.

Leave a message and I'll
return when I'm ready to do you.

Hey, Dallas, it's George.

Uh, so let me see...

you took off without saying good-bye,

and now you're not answering my calls.

So I'm guessing you're still upset with me.

Could you call me back
please so we can talk?

Leave your number.

She... she has my number.

I like to leave it again just in case.

You have my number.

Just call me back, please.

Let me guess...
she's mad at you.

I'm going through the same
thing with my old lady.

Rrr.

You mean your old cleaning lady?

I don't know.

She's kept me at Swiffer's length

ever since I confessed my love for her.

Maybe I didn't come on strong enough.

Maybe I didn't prove myself.

I'm considering challenging
her father to a Kn*fe fight.

Assuming he's local.

Right, but unlike you and Carmen,

Dallas and I are actually
in a relationship.

We're together. She should feel secure.

I shouldn't have to...

slash the cheek of her father.

Look, I don't understand...

Hmm?

Women.

That's why I started seeing a therapist.

You should ask him why
Dallas won't call you back.

He's right over there.

Hi, Bob!

I'm, uh, expressing an interest in others,

and I'm avoiding my Carmen triggers.

Stop seeking my approval.

Will do!

I love you.

Is he looking over here?

Oh.

Hi, mommy.

I packed your bags for your
getaway with Daddy Altman.

Dalia Oprah,

you can go ahead and
unpack that whole thing,

'cause I'm not going anywhere.

You might be pinterested to know

that your mommy's done
giving her love away.

From now on, I'm gonna
eat pray love myself.

Well, can you love yourself somewhere else?

Truth is, I'm having a party tonight,

and I'm gonna need you to
get the "H" out of our "H."

I see. And I pity you, Dalia,

'cause you're in a place

where you're still seeking
outside love and affection.

Me? I'm done looking outside.

From now on, if my stomach's
gonna be in knots,

I want it to be because I've
been eatin' garlic knots.

Which reminds me, I found a
great place for garlic knots.

So if you need me, that's where I'll be.

Sometimes, to win
the heart of your true love,

you have to be willing
to spice things up.

Carmentita!

♪ Besame ♪

♪ Besame mucho ♪

♪ Como si fuera esta noche ♪

♪ la ultima vez ♪

♪ Besame ♪

♪ Besame mucho ♪

Mr. Werner...

Why are you dressed like the tapatio man?

'Cause I know you love him.

And I want to give old
tapatio a run for his dinero.

Aah-ay!

I want to be the man you
reach for when you're hungry!

Rra-ha!

Oh, brother.

Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles!

Get 'em all out of the house!

I want to tell each and every one of them

how much I love you!

Carm? Is everything okay?

Dr. Bob?

What is my therapist doing here?

You make house calls? In your pajamas?

No.

No, I don't.

No.

No, no!

Bob, you scoundrel!

Carmen and I are seeing each other.

But you know that I am
deeply in love with Carmen.

And now I... understand why.

Arr-a-hah-ay!

Not now!

- Get in the house, Bob.
- Yes.

This is incredibly unprofessional!

Noah, I take it I won't be seeing you

at our usual time on Monday?

Um, no! I don't think so!

But I'm not canceling now.

I... I'm... I'm canceling the morning of!

You hear that?
I'm canceling the morning of!

I understand,

but I'm afraid if you do that,

I'll still have to bill you for the hour.

And keep in mind that your insurance

won't reimburse you for
a missed appointment,

so I'm just going to ask
you one more time...

are you canceling?

Yes. I'm canceling.

I'm canceling.

Arr-a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Which one of these tops says,

"I'm enjoying my youth as
much as you reckless teens"?

The green one.

Totally.

Oh, hey, aren't you supposed
to be getting on the road by now

for your weekend getaway with Dallas?

Oh, I think those plans are
on hold at the moment.

Dallas isn't returning my calls.

I think she's still upset
over the flying "V" incident.

Yeah, well, not everyone

can knock it out of the park like I did.

Gifting is a gift that I am gifted at.

Yes, you are.

And if I'd been able to
make Dallas feel that she was

gifted at gifting,

then we probably wouldn't be
having this conversation right now.

But come on.

I mean, a brand-new guitar?

What's wrong with a brand-new guitar?

Well, when it comes to musical instruments,

"new" isn't meaningful.

Then what is?

History.

It wasn't the guitar. It was the blueprint.

She's mad about the blueprint.

Hiya! Dalia!

Wow. Really looks like your
party is the cat's pajizzles.

Yeah.
That'll be $ .

Uh, I'm not paying $
to walk into a wall.

Then you can go watch
"Wheel of Fortune" at home.

Already DVR'd it, like a boss.

Okay, I'd... like to stay.

Now I have enough to
pay Lance trance,

and get the tattoo I want
that mommy can't know about.

A tattoo?

I wanted to say it was a bad idea.

I wanted to say that
whatever thorny rose

or sanskrit nonsense she
was leaning towards,

she'd surely regret.

But I decided to just say

what any kid my age
would have said...

Cool.

I should have stopped there,

because the next thing I said was...

Throw your food holders in the air!

Sometimes, to prove yourself,

you have to be willing to do
something embarrassing.

♪ My mind's telling me "no" ♪

♪ But my body ♪

♪ My body's telling me "yes" ♪

♪ And I know just what you want ♪

♪ And I know just what you need, girl ♪

♪ So, baby, bring your body to me ♪

George, what are you doing?

♪ I'm not foolin' around with you ♪

♪ Oh, baby, my love is true ♪

♪ With you is where I want to be ♪

I'm about to partake in a
-cheese ravioli here.

♪ Girl, you need someone ♪

♪ Someone like me ♪

♪ To satisfy your every need ♪

Ma'am, this is a family restaurant.

Hold up. He's about
to get to the chorus.

♪ I don't see nothin' wrong ♪

♪ With a little bump and grind ♪

♪ I don't see nothin' wrong ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

Sir, please.

George.

You learned R. Kelly for me.

I would do anything for you, baby.

Except conceptualize a house
for us to grow old in together.

Okay, come on, Dallas,

that house was never even built.

And I don't have to tell you

that there was no happily ever after...

not for me and Alex.

But maybe there could be for us.

I guess there's a part of me that worries

you're never gonna feel
as strongly about me

as you did about her.

And if that's the case,
then maybe I should move on,

find my own happiness inside myself,

inside this Italian chain restaurant.

Look, we both led full lives before we met.

You know, we have...
we have kids, we have exes,

we have lots of history that
doesn't involve each other.

But every day we spend together...

We're making our own history.

Exactly.

And if there's ever anything I can do

to make you feel more secure,

then tell me, 'cause I take requests.

Oh, I'd like to hear the "Neutron Dance."

To move forward,

Dallas and George would have
to build their own history...

and Dalia and I
would have to leave ours in the past.

Mm.

Mm.

Wanna squeeze my hand?

Are you sure?

I know you use those to hold food.

I don't mind.

How does it look?

It looks like Evan's head is
climbing out of your butt cr*ck.

Perfect.