02x21 - Apocalypse Meow

[bunniefuu]

After someone dumps you

and smashes your heart into
a million little pieces,

sometimes you blame yourself.

But not in this case.

[ Shivaree ] ♪ tacks on the
floor and the TV is on ♪

Tessa, would it be okay
if we had a word with you?

Sorry, I'm not really
in the mood right now.

Um, sometimes we inflect up
at the end of our sentences?

But that doesn't mean
we're asking a question?

You know, they do that.
I've noticed.

Wow. Okay. So what can
I do for you ladies?

Ryan shared with us
that having your locker

so visible from his locker

is both distracting
and upsetting to him.

Ryan was wondering if you could
move your locker into there.

Ryan would really appreciate it.

Really?

Ryan said that?

Doesn't really sound like Ryan.

It's mean, and it's
also kind of complicated.

Are you sure someone else
didn't come up with that idea?

No. It was totes Ryan.

This isn't over.

Oh. Okay.

I know where you don't eat lunch!

[Alih Jay] ♪ Last night I
had a pleasant nightmare ♪

So, how the big combo with Thessa go?

Oh. Yeah.

It didn't.

But on the other hand...

Coffee? I just brewed a pot.

George, I will not be
distracted by your brewery.

- Although I will take a cup.
- Yeah.

Black, with six equals.

Look, I meant to talk
to Tessa this morning.

I really did, but, you know,

she's... she's just getting
over her breakup with Ryan.

Plus she slept in.

Then it looked rainy out.

George McGovern Altman.

That is not my middle name.

Are you afraid of your own daughter?

Is that what's going on here?

No.

But telling her I
unexpectedly sold the house...

Well, you got a cash offer.

They put a clock on you.

They did. They put a clock to my head.

It's a lot of pressure.

I hear ya.

I hear ya, too.

Whoa! Sheila, what are you doing here?

I'm working.

Unlike you decadent bohemians,

I don't have the luxury
of sitting around

sipping coffee at : A.M.,

pantyless.

I am % wearing a
flesh-colored panty.

She was talking about me.

Hey. I thought it was
your job to sell the house,

not occupy it.

If I don't get this
dump through inspection,

I don't get my commission,

and the Shays are living
on crackers and tuna.

Now does this look
like mold to you or...

coffee grounds. Mm.

You're a blonde roast
boy. Should have known.

Okay. Sheila, this is kind
of a private conversation.

So if you don't mind...

Fine.

I am going to check the
discharge on your sump pump.

Look, I don't blame you

for being a little wary
of springing this on Tessa.

Redheads in particular
can be skittish.

But she and I have a rapport.
Maybe I can feel her out

on the whole us living together thing.

- Co-parenting.
- Yes.

Right. Right. Why not start now?

You can talk to her after school.

Okay. And you can pick up Dalia.

Backseat, huh? Okay.

Could you k*ll the air back here?

Uh, sure.

Good day at school?

You might wonder
why I'm picking you up today

instead of your mom. No big reason.

Just thought we'd mix it
up for once.

And besides, I haven't gotten
to connect with you in a while.

I'm not stupid, daddy Altman.

I know what this is.

You and mommy are at the
stage in your relationship

where you've decided
to move in together,

only you're worried
Tessa won't react well,

so you sent mommy to deal with her

while you pick me up in your
compact, fuel-efficient car.

I'm sorry I had to break that to you.

I know you and Tessa haven't

always been the closest.

Tessa and I are great. We're aces.

Just this morning at school,

I was helping her get through
her messy public breakup.

If we lived in the same house,
I could help her even harder.

That... I'm happy to hear that.

You can drop me off just
up here on the right.

- Oh. Okay.
- Keep the change.

What's that?

You don't have to...

Oh, man, I just
hope it's not the wrong move,

letting Dallas broach
this thing with Tessa.

Oh, no.

What?

Oh, no.

Carmen and Bob. Ugh.

Look at him lappin' at her sample

like a sailor on shore leave.

He is really getting in there.

That so-called
"health care professional"

learned the contents of my heart

only to tear them asunder!

Hey. Take... take it easy.

For a therapist to go after
the love interest of a client

is wrong in every way,

but remember, before she was into him,

she wasn't into you.

You need to move on, Noah.

You're
right. I need to move on.

No matter how painful...

I need to learn to lick my own spoon.

It was hard to concentrate

on whatever crap I was
supposed to concentrate on

when all I could do was think
about how to get back at Dalia.

I could tell
everyone her biggest secret...

that she hooked up with Jenna.

It would just be, like,
stooping to her level.

Yeah. And knowing her, the
whole thing would backfire

and become some cool trend.

It kind of already is.

You wanna make out?

Eh, I have gum.

What I really need to do is

find Dalia's biggest weakness and

ruthlessly exploit it.

There is another path...

I mean, if you're open
enough to explore it.

I said I had gum.

Oh... it's not... not that.

It's this.

"Meow mix"?

It's exactly what
you think it is.

A recording of yours truly

meowing some of the top hits
of the late ' s/early ' s.

Just one listen to my
powerful rendition

of Bonnie Tyler's "Total
Eclipse of the Heart"

and suddenly seeking revenge

will seem like, I don't know,
"What a Fool Believes"...

which I also happen to
meow on the B-side.

Hey. Do you mind?

Your dad said it was
cool for us to come in?

It was recently brought
to our attention

that you still have
Ryan's letterman jacket?

Gee, I wonder who brought
that to your attention.

We'd rather be discreet and not say?

Dalia. I saw her
texting with you guys.

So I know it was Dalia.

Would you guys be interested
in hearing someone meow

Vanessa Williams' "Save
the Best for Last"?

No? 'Kay.

What happened?

I customized it.

You mutilated it.

Ryan gave me that jacket.

And the only reason
you're taking it back

is because Dalia told you to,

'cause she knew it would hurt me!

Which it did.

- [ Lisa meowing Roxette's
♪ It Must Have Been Love ♪ ]
- Okay, here we go.

♪ Meow meow meow meow ♪

- Uh, I don't wanna sway to it.
- ♪ meow meow meow meow ♪

- Do we have to sway to it?
- Yes.

- ♪ Meow meow meow ♪
As Lisa tried to help me

- find a healthy outlet for my feelings...
- ♪ meow meow meow ♪

Noah was busy pursuing an angle

- that was slightly more sinister.

And that's class. Namaste, my brothers.

Hey!

Namaste, Dr. Bob.
What?

Fancy running into you
here at the Open Lotus.

I guess our celestial orbits
are fated to intersect.

Perhaps.

Or perhaps...

you're stalking me.

Perhaps.

But look, if I were, it
would just be to thank you.

To thank me?

Was I angry at first? Naturally.

I wanted to see you dead.

But then I realized I was
clinging to a foolish dream,

like a... like a little
child holding on to a balloon.

And thanks to you,

I was able to take that
beautiful round balloon...

and let her go.

- I'm happy to hear that.
- Yeah.

But, but, but...

don't nama-go just yet.

Nama-stay for a second.

I want to thank you. I want
to show you my gratitude.

- That's really not necessary, no.
- Hey.

I got an idea.

Why don't you come into
my office for a cleaning?

Free. On the house.

It has been a while since
I've been in for a cleaning.

I... I shouldn't admit this,

but I've always been a bit
terrified of the dentist, so...

Bob, there is nothing to be afraid of.

Nothing.

As Noah's revenge scenario

- was falling beautifully into place...

mine was barely taking shape.

Drowning.

Pros...

Lethal.

Bloated corpse.

Fish-eaten face.

Cons...

One might say I was avoiding
feeling bad about Ryan

by focusing all my anger on Dalia,

but one should mind
their own business.

Hi, hon.

Just wanted to see how you
were doing post-breakup.

Oh, I'm doing great.

Someone tell you I wasn't doing great?

T-Pain, you don't have
to pretend with me.

I know you're hurtin'.

But there is a place

where all your troubles will melt away

like so much provolone.

So what you do is,

you roll your noodles into a big ball,

along with all the sauce and cheese

and shame and anger and hurt,

and then you just stuff it right down.

Mmm.

Speaking of eating things,

does Dalia have any
life-threatening food allergies

I should know about?

I don't think so. Night terrors?

What does she fear will
come for her when she sleeps?

Tessa, is it my imagination,
or are you starting

to take a sisterly
interest in my baby girl?

Are you finally starting to
consider my little Dalia doodle

as part of your family? Because...

Let me be perfectly
clear about one thing...

there is nothing doodly about Dalia.

And although you two may
share superficial similarities,

you are a nice person,

and she is, in fact, the devil.

Well, that... that sounds
like it was a disaster.

I don't know what to tell you, George.

I had to abort mission and
take my tagliatelle to go.

Did... did you bring up
the offer on the house?

I didn't get the chance to.

That girl of yours has a
lot of anger in her heart,

and she seems to be
directing it all at Dalia.

Maybe we should put this
whole move-in plan on hold.

We can't. They're pushing to
close in the next two weeks.

Well, then you need to get
up there and talk to her.

Right. Okay.

I will do that.

It makes sense. That's
what needs to be done,

so that's what I'm gonna do...

right after I take out
the trash.

The longer you wait,
the harder it's gonna be.

Right.

Or maybe she'll...
she'll mellow, you know?

Like a... like a fine wine.

Yeah.

Let's... let's let her breathe.

When my direct approach
to getting intel on Dalia

didn't pan out,

I decided to go a little more covert.

All right. Picture's up.

Although, uh, you really
shouldn't be watching this.

It's true.
We don't have a warrant.

No, I meant 'cause the
resolution's only p.

Hello? called, they want
their component cables back...

Shut up, Reggie.

She's glossing. Can we
get tighter on this gloss?

Okay, I'm not Wes Anderson?

Now what is it that you're
hoping to gain from this?

Information I can use to destroy her.

Okay. Well, if it's
destruction that you're after,

I have a far better plan.

If this is at all cat related...

Step one...

We undergo training
to become certified

as two of society's most
important professionals.

Notary publics. Of course.

Then we spend , years

building a reputation in
the Chatswin community.

One day,

who's to walk in our door

needing a notarized signature
on a mortgage document?

Is it time-sensitive?

You bet it is.

She needs it by the end of the day.

What do we do?

We deny her.

Shh. Something's happening.

Look at that little slut.

She's all over Ryan.

Did you see that?

She knows.

Hey, how much does a bed like this go for new?

Get out, Reggie.

Yeah, okay. That makes sense.

I can't believe this.

Outsmarted by Dalia?

What has happened to me? It's like...

I've lost my edge.

Your lesbian boots.

Sorry I let you down, friends.

Sorry I started wearing
ballet flats and Chuck Taylors.

I am sorry I forgot about us.

Do you guys need a minute?
'Cause I can come back.

I'm the one who's coming back, Lisa.

I'm the one who's coming back.

Yeah, you is.

Is this procedure going
to be at all painful?

I have a very low
threshold for discomfort.

I bet that's not true.

So...

you got any travel plans coming up?

Funny you should ask.

We were thinking about trying out

this new eco-resort in Costa Rica.

C... Costa Rica?

Oh.

I am so sorry.

Let me just silence
this sext from Carmen.

[ ♪ Habanera ♪
from Bizet's "Carmen" playing ]

♪ si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪

♪ si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime ♪

Open wide.

♪ mais si je t'aime ♪

♪ mais si je t'aime ♪

Aah! You just cried down my throat!

You stole my true love! Ugh!

I knew this was a mistake. I
never should have come here.

Tell me, doctor. Tell me...

wh... what magic arrow did
you use to pierce her heart?

There is no magic, Noah.

There's no big secret.

I just listen to her.

Come again now?

In my experience,

all women ever want is to feel heard.

And I am a very good listener.

You listen?

I don't think I can do that.

I'm not trying to blame-shift.

But you are partly responsible.

I mean, the house wasn't
even on the market.

If you are done whining
and crumbing up my carpet,

I'm ready to drop some science.

Please.

Every teenager loves
to scream and shout

and text and tweet
about how unfair it is

that they're not in charge.

And the fact is, being in charge

is the last thing that they want.

And despite the fact that many of them

dress as old French whores,

they are still children,
and they're scared.

I've got a stack of
parenting books right there

that says the same exact thing...

stop being her friend

and start being in charge.

I'm in charge.

Then prove it.

Be the bigger animal.

Tell her, "daddy bear is
here, and he is in control."

Daddy bear.

I like that.

Yeah. In control. I can do that.

Wow, all this talk about authority,

it reminds me I have to
update Fred's chore chart.

Finished hand-washing
your underwear, Sheila.

Oh. Two more stars, you
get a pizza party.

Brawr!

Pepperoni will be in attendance!

♪ Ditto for my best friend ♪

♪ fruit punch ♪

I love fruit punch.

Once I discovered my
old New York boots,

it was like I discovered
my old New York self.

- Because before I softened into Ryan's girlfriend...
- [ To tune of ♪ Eye of The Tiger ♪ ] ♪ meow meow meow ♪

- ♪ meow meow meow ♪
I was kind of a badass.

- ♪ Meow meow meow♪
- And I wasn't gonna let some vapid,

- self-obsessed mall queen bully me.

Aah!

Ooh!

Oops. Sorry.

In that green jacket,

I thought you were a garbage can.

If you ever want to enter into
a legally binding agreement...

Lisa? I got this.

After endless hours of
considering endless ways

to get back at Dalia,

the answer was finally
crystal clear...

Dalia was a punk,

and punks jump up to get b*at down.

Ohh!

Ow. Unh!

You know, for a small
man, you fight like a girl.

Hi-yah!

Ohh!

Unh!

Aah!

Ooh!

Aah!

Jenna says hi.

Ryan says hi.

Your dad says hi.

Your mom says hi.

Aah! Uhh!

Ooh!

Where'd he go?

Up here, bitch.

- Uhh!
- Uhh!

Girls!

That's it! I want to see
both of you in my office!

Now!

Let go of each other's hair.

Fine. Keep pulling each other's hair.

But follow me to my office.

Aah! Uhh!

Ooh.

Not my eyelash extensions.

Please! I just got them sewn in.

What happened to me?

How did I become this
violent, blood-thirsty maniac?

I'm gonna give
you one chance

to apologize for being
an unrelenting bitch

since day one.

Too little too late!

Aah!

Hmm.

And?

Didn't hurt a bit.

That's the topical.
It's a good topical.

Always ask for some.

Mm. I will.

I wish you and Carmen...

every happiness.

You'll find your
happiness, too, someday.

I just know it.

I feel like I already have.

That's great.

You're gonna... be numb for
the next couple of hours,

but then after that...

you'll feel everything.

Daddy bear. Daddy bear.

Just be the bear.

Okay. Here we go.

Hey, Tess. Welcome home.

Oh, I sold the house.

What?

Yeah. What...

happened to your face?

Never mind my face.

What did you just say?

You look like you've
been run over by a truck.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I fell.

You sold the house?

We're moving?

Yes!

Thank you, God!

Okay. Okay. There's no...
no God involved.

We're moving, but not out of Chatswin.

Dallas is gonna put her
place on the market, too.

So are you telling me

I have to share a house... with Dalia?

Okay. Okay. Now I know you and Dalia

have had your ups and downs, but...

you know, I think living
with... with her and Dallas

is gonna... round out our family.

It's gonna be good for us.

"Good for us"?
Are you out of your mind?

O... okay, Tessa...

Do you wanna know what
happened to my face?

Yeah.

Dalia.

- Is that true?
- Yeah.

And I happened to hers.

And let me tell you something,
she looks a lot worse than me.

That is her hair.

And part of her scalp.

P... part of her scalp?

Yeah, George.

And for that reason,

Dalia and I will never
live under the same roof.

Never. Not ever.

So...

make your decision carefully.

I've made my decision, Tessa.

That's... that's not gonna change.

Fine.

Then... so have I.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means...

I'm outta here.