03x05 - Blame it on the Rainstick

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

Jacket?

Or no jacket?
Jacket.

Right, the two of us
always wore jackets.

We never hung out
without jackets.

Dad?
Natural waist
or sagging?

Sagging, definitely.

Tessa: dad was nervous --

nervous about reuniting
with his best friend, noah.

but he didn't have to be.
they were old friends.

Come on, dad.
You guys are like these two.

Who --
simon & garfunkel?

[ Chuckles ]
yeah.

Sure, life happens,
and you go your separate ways.

But when you reunite,
it's like time stands still

And you pick up
right where you left off

And make
beautiful music together,

According to wikipedia.

Right.
Right where we left off.

the only thing was,
neither simon nor garfunkel

had ever spent days
seeking inpatient treatment

for anger issues -- at least
not according to wikipedia.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Gate clangs ]

Free at last, buddy!
[ Laughs ]

Free at last! Whoo!
Aah!

Oh, what? I was just going in
for the high five.

High fives aren't scary.

High fives are 'cause
something awesome happened.

There you go.

I'm sorry. I just...
I'm --

A little shell-shocked.
Yeah.

Right,
i-i completely understand.

But you're out.

And you're leaving all that
behind you.

Right?

We're both wearing jackets.
A new day is dawning.

Am I right?
Right.

Right,
so give me a pound!
Aah!

Okay. No -- no pound.

so far, the reunion was

a little more "troubled water"
than "homeward bound."

Wow, so, you're telling me
it's not even an elective.

Correct. It's a class required
for graduation.

Uh, but how does senior tanning
enrich students academically?

It doesn't.

It enriches
our yearbook aesthetically.

See, this is exactly
what's wrong with chatswin.

There is way too much
emphasis on aesthetics.

We should be studying descartes,
not de la renta.

But that is a super-cute
de la renta.

Thanks.

-- [Font color="#ffff "]captions by vitac[/font] --

Alih jey: ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

[ Dog barks ]

♪ Da, da, da, da

Dalia: okay.

Hey, seniors.

Now, as you all know,

I'll be overseeing
the tanning unit,

As well as all
subsequent field trips

Wherein we will be
tanning your unit.

Curious -- who here knows
the proper tanning form?

If your hand's not in the air,

Don't despair, as I will be
going over all that.

Now, those of you
with more junk in the trunk,

You will need to be vigilant
about performing

A maneuver known
as the butt-cheek check.

And if you're white as chalk
like tessa,

You need to start slow.

If you drop a cr*cker
into a fire,

It just burns,
and so, too, will you.

Yes.
I have to go pee.

Okay.

Senior tanning?

The more I thought about it,
the more I made peace with it.

It wasn't something I saw
myself doing pre-chatswin,

But maybe it was time
to surprise myself

And for the first time ever...

Ditch school.

This is nice --
good, old-fashioned hang.

Hang sesh.

Just a couple of bros
enjoying the sound of silence.

Silence, yeah.

[ Biederman panting ]

I, uh --
i-i notice...

You're wearing glasses.
Yeah.

I don't recall
you ever wearing glasses before.

No.

Something happen
to your eyes?

I wasn't
seeing clearly.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Okay. Noah...

What did they do to you
in there?

The a.c. Isn't on,

And you haven't complained once
about the temperature.

I haven't heard
a single snide comment

About how uncomfortable
the couch is or the dog smell,

Which I know you hate.

But I don't hate.
Not anymore.

Sorry,
I'm not buying it.

There are way too many things
that enrage you.

Not anymore.
Yeah?

Pomegranates.

Worth the effort.

Ted danson
dating whoopi goldberg.

The heart...
Wants what it wants.

The sequel
to "bring it on."

Was entitled "bring it on again"
and aptly so.

It got the job done.

while george was getting
his first taste of the new noah

i was tasting freedom,
and it was delicious.

[ up-tempo music playing]

[ Drum b*ating ]

[ "Moth's wings" plays ]

In manhattan, parks were mostly
for buying dr*gs

and public urination,
but in chatswin,

it seemed like the parks
were used for...

something else.

♪ Dear friend, as you know

♪ Your flowers are withering

♪ Your mother's gone insane

♪ And your leaves
have drifted away ♪

♪ You're just like your father

What's going on
in here?!

I don't know -- performance art,
some stupid band.

♪ Buried deep under the water
I'm out.
I got zumba in half an hour.

♪ You're resting
on your laurels ♪
whatever it was, it was
incredibly un-chatswin-like.

and by that,
i mean it was amazing.

♪ Come lay with me
on the ground ♪

Whoo!

Whoo!

Wow, that was just,
like...wow!

Thanks.
And you guys get so...
Sweaty.

Yeah, we do.
Just, like, a lot of sweat in
a really short period of time.

It's not that hot in here --
impressive.

I'm caris.
Tessa.

I couldn't help but notice that
our music seemed to move you.

It was like you were singing
what I was feeling.
Isn't it amazing?

People wander across
each other's paths for a reason.

And I bet there's a reason
you wandered across ours.

Yeah,
'cause I cut school.

Guys, this is tessa.

Tessa, this is carol, tommy,
lonny, dommy, nonny, konny,

Bahammy, mikey, likey,
tikey, sikey, moop, meep,

Nimmy, dimmy, and luke.

We're a group
of musical nomads.

We live together, and we travel
wherever the rhythm brings us.

And it brought you
to chatswin?

[ Laughs ] I think
it brought us to you.

Greta, hey, i-i got your
message. Is everything okay?

[ Sighs ]
it's great to have him back.

It is, but, uh, dr. Werner --
he isn't himself.

Right.

He's had a patient unconscious
in his office for over an hour.

What?

Noah? Noah?

[ Door closes ]

Noah?

Hey, george!

Whoa.
Good to see you.

You look well.

Is that a new top?

Noah, w-what's --
what's going on with this guy?

Oh, you know, I can't do this.
I can't do it anymore.

I can't. I tried,
and I just can't.

It goes against
all my training.

Your --
your dental training?

No, my mental-wellness
training.

I can't
bring myself to brutally

Wrench the bone
from his flesh.

It's the ripping
and the tearing.

It's the rippin' and
the tearin'. I won't do it!

Well, you should have
thought of that before
you anesthetized him.

You're not wrong
about that.

But you -- y-you...

[ Sighs ]

...have great instincts.

You know, and a -- and a --
and a -- and a steady hand.

You know? Uh, you got a --
you got a firm...

Firm -- firm grip.
Hold it.

I've always said that
about you.

Noah, I mean, doesn't that
require years of training?

Not...really.

Just think of it as a nail that
you're pulling out of a wall.

Right? You've pulled plenty
of nails out of walls.

Noah...
This one's just made
of jawbone.

That one.

[ Groans ]

[ Sighs ]

I could go to jail
for what I did today.

This could be
my last meal.

In that case,
it needs salt.

And the worst part isn't all
the hand-holding noah needs.

The worst part is feeling
like i-i lost a best friend.

Just as I gain
new ones.

George, not to gloat,
but I joined a band.

Well, they're not so much
of a band as they are

A radical
musical movement,

And the best part is
they're not from chatswin.

In fact, they're
the antithesis of chatswin.

Where are they from?

The whole wide world --
planet earth.

They are musical nomads, and
they taught me how to play...

[ Rattling ]
...this.

The giant stick?
The giant rain stick.

It is a conduit for divination,
relaxation,

And spiritual healing.

Cool.

Can you hear it?
Yeah.

[ Rattling continues ]

Can you feel it?
Eh.

Well, nimmy says
it's transformative.

Yeah, well,
maybe nimmy can use it

To transform noah back
to the way he used to be.

Nimmy? I can't be saying
that right.
You are.

It's like noah overcorrected,
you know?

He's --
he's completely neutered.

I have to figure out a way
to snap him out of it.

George, I'm telling you,
I have the cure

For what ails him
right here in this stick.

You want me to show you?
Sure.

Can you muster
a little enthusiasm?!

Sure!

[ Rattling ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Rhythmic rattling ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

Right, so,
we have that.

Maybe I'll just try
a couple other things...

First.

since poor food service
was noah's button...

Well, i-i cannot imagine
what is taking the food so long.

...dad decided to push it
again and again.

Waiter: first course, gentlemen,
chef's salad.

Ah.

Dressing on the side?

Oh.

No onions.

You're allergic
to onions.

And that's a $ salad.

Which is why
it will not go to waste.

Can I get you
anything else?

Hmm.

Maybe just a-a small
glass of water.

Coming right...

U-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-p.

Nothing in life is perfect,
not even this glass of water.

Really? You're gonna
drink the water?

Oh, geez.

I must say
you're looking quite golden.

Quite,
quite golden indeed.

Perhaps one or two of you still
need to work on your technique.

Perhaps it's just one of you --
one student in particular.

I know, okay?
I know. I dozed off.

Well, that's what
the buddy system is for,

And I can't help but notice
your buddy, tessa altman,

Is once again a no-show.

No, tessa's here.
She's definitely here.

She just has a...
Raging u.t.i.

Um, you know
how much bacteria...

Loves tessa.

Um, you know what?
She's probably in the bathroom.

I'll just go check.
Okay.

Hey!

Buddy, what gives?!
Oh.

[ Grunts ]
I just had to cover
for you again.

What are those dots?

Never mind my dots.
Now you have dots?

Okay, okay.

I found something
way more enriching

Than the march
towards skin cancer.

I joined a band,
and it's amazing and liberating.

And I really hope you come see
us play in the park.

Why do you look
like "braveheart"?

Why? Because my buddy
has her priorities screwed up.

[ Scoffs ]
my priorities are screwed up?

You can't keep
skipping class.

Lisa, it's not a real class.
It will be when you fail it.

Lisa...if you want to
be a half-tan sheep

In a full-tan flock,
go for it.

But me,
I'm marching to the b*at

Of a different drummer --
luke.

That's my band's drummer.
You're still in a flock.

It's just
a different flock,

And I can't believe
you'd be more loyal

To a group of strangers
you just met in the park

Than you would be to me,
your best friend!

What am I supposed to do
about a buddy?!

I don't know, lisa.

Maybe it's time you go
find yourself a new one.

[ Rattling ]

Burn.

On your face.

You should
get that looked at.

[ Knock on glass ]

Yeah, what about?

Oh!

I don't know why I thought
it was soundproof.

It looked soundproof,
but it isn't.

It's about tessa.

[ Sighs ]
what's up, dallas?

Well, this is about
the bronzing requirement

Expected from all students
in their senior year.

Tessa's performance, I'm afraid,
pales in comparison,

And I just wanted to --

Wanted to come down
and talk to me about it.

Got it.
Well, now, hold on.
Am I detecting a tone?

No, no tone.

I will talk to tessa

About taking her "tanning class"
more seriously.

And the next time
you want to talk to me,

Don't feel compelled to use
my daughter as an excuse.

What?!

First off,
if you're implying

That I harbor
tenderness for you,

You are sorely mistaken.

And secondly, I don't appreciate
your "air quotes"

And "all"
that they "imply."

Incorrect use
of air quotes.
Incorrect use of your mama.

I came down here
out of concern for tessa.

And if you're
not concerned, well,

There's nothing for you
to concern yourself with.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

♪ There you go, mm-mm-mm

♪ Ooh, yeah

Hang on, guys.
Hang on a sec.

Tessa,
everything okay?

Yeah. Why?

The stick felt
a little off today.

A lot off.
Shut up, nonny.

Why don't you mind
your own washboard?

Whoa, hey. Whoa.
Not cool.

Tessa, i-if something
is intruding on your happiness,

Let us know, but please
don't intrude on nonny's.

Sorry...nonny.

Sorry, you guys.

I just, um -- I got in
an argument with my best friend,

And I know
she's really mad at me.

And I guess
it's really nagging at me.

[ Sighs ] would it help
if we k*lled her?

What?

If we m*rder*d her,
I mean.

You see, technically, the band
is your best friend now,

And we find
that outside friendships tend

To get
really problematic.

So k*lling, uh...

Lisa.

...lisa might be the cleanest
way to go on this one.

a charismatic leader,
no outside friendships,

matching white outfits,
and made-up names

that rhyme
with the exception of luke.

how could I have missed it?
i didn't join a band.

i joined a cult!

[ Laughter ]

Um...

Caris, I just had,
like, a small question

That I wanted to
question you about over here.

sh**t.

So, uh, what happens
to band members

Who don't want to
be in the band anymore.

[ Laughs ] tessa, we don't keep
people here by force, silly.

You can pretty much
go anytime you want.

You just need
to turn your uniform in,

Suffer one exit b*ating,
and you are on your way.

Exit b-b*ating?

Oh, it's a formality.

Exit beatings are exacted using
whichever instrument you play.

In your case -- youch!

Yeah.

Too bad I don't play
the kazoo, right?

[ Laughing ] yeah.

But I once took someone's eye
out with one of those, so...

Right.

[ Laughs ] hey.

You're not thinking
about leaving, are you?

No way.
Okay.

Lisa: tessa? Tessa?

Lisa, no.
No, no, no, no.

You have to
get out of here.

Look, I know that things
got pretty real

In the bathroom
between us.

What? What are you
talking about?
The fight.

But I just want
you to know

That I put our friendship
above all else.

So if muhammad won't tan
at the mountain...

The mountain will play
in the band with muhammad.

Lisa, this is a cult,
and they're gonna k*ll you.

They're gonna k*ll you. They
told me they want to k*ll you.

Mm, what?
Yeah.

Dallas: look here!

Not one but two little cutters
who avoided my...

Holy crap!

This is a cult.
You girls joined a cult?

Unintentionally.

H-how did you even know
that this --

Oh, my gosh, I was big
into cults as a tween.

Loved cults, loved 'em.

If not for all those pesky
exit beatings --

I don't want
an exit b*ating.

Okay, girls,
just take a deep breath.

I'm gonna ask you
a few questions.
[ Exhales deeply ]

How many
have you slept with?
What?! None!

And you haven't
exchanged any vows

Or sister-wived yourself
in any way?

No.
Good.
You're doing great.

Do they know your last name,
your place of residence,

Or either
of your socials?

No!
No!

In that case...
Run!

Oh, damn!
Lisa!

Don't slow down!

If she's supposed to make it,
she will!

George:
she said it was a band.

Well, there was
a musical element.

But then with most good cults,
there usually is.

I'm sorry
I didn't take you seriously.

I can't thank you enough
for looking out for tessa.

You want to stay,
have a slice of pizza?

It's the least I can do.
No, thanks.

Um, but, george, the next time
you want to invite me to dinner,

You don't need to use
your "daughter" as an excuse.

Improper use of air quotes.
She is my daughter.

[ Laughs ]

when friendships change,

sometimes you have to change
with them.

Lisa was willing to join a cult
to save our friendship,

so maybe george
had given up too quickly

on connecting with noah.

after all,
he was simon to his garfunkel.

Both: ♪ old friends

♪ Old friends

♪ Sat on a park bench
like bookends ♪

♪ A newspaper blows
through the grass ♪

♪ Falls on the round toes

♪ Of the high shoes

♪ Of the old friends

Thank you, george.

I know I let you down.
No, no.

I let you down.

For not being more...
Accepting.

But that's all
behind us now.

[ Sighs ]

I just have never
been so...

At peace in my life --
my son playing in the sand...

Best friend at my side.

Give me that,
fat ass!

[ Laughing ] whoa!

Wow, that -- oh.

[ Chuckles ]

The old me would have
gotten mad at that.
Right?

He called
my son a "fat ass"!
You okay?

Well, no, I'm --
i-i'm good.

Hoo. Hoo.

That's right.
He called him
a "fat ass"!

Hey, hey, noah! Noah!
Listen, hey, hey, hey!

I want to -- I want to
talk to you there, champ!

That's not a fat ass! That is
a diaper -- a diaper, okay?!
Hey.

even though george feared
for that child's safety,
fat ass!

I'm just saying,
he's wearing a diaper.
he had to admit it was nice

to have his old friend back.

I will end...you!
Okay. Okay.

[ Laughing ]
all right?!