03x07 - I'm Just Not That Into Me

[bunniefuu]

Tessa:
somewhere between the senior
slump and the freshman ,

there exists a window --

a window to travel
outside your comfort zone

and to try new things.

for me, that meant...

[ Cheering ]
...a house party
two towns over,

thrown by some college kid
home on break.

for lisa, that meant

going to the house party
in a bed sheet

designed to look like a toga.

I...told you.

Okay.

So I guess it's not required
at all college parties.

Or maybe these killas
just don't know what time it is.

I think we should go.
I mean, everyone here can vote.

Half of them
can legally drink.

What are they gonna
want to talk to us about?

Come on, guys. We are traveling
outside our comfort zones.

We're meeting new people.

Oh, my god!
I love that toga!

You are hilarious!

I love you.

I love you, too.

Let me show you
to my friends.

Oh.

Yeah, I -- I'm -- I'm not
officially allowed to vote,

But I'm pretty sure
I'm a libertarian.

Let's dance.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

I miss my comfort zone.

Man: can a man and woman survive
alone in the wilderness

naked and afraid?

I sure hope they don't get
trench foot again,

'Cause I will full-on
yarf up this crazy fried rice.

Hey, mommy.

I thought you had plans
with the kkk.

Yeah, but kenzie, kaitlyn,
and kimantha

Wanted to eat greek
at natalie's,

And there's no wi-fi
there.

Why do you need
wi-fi to eat --

I don't like being places

Where I don't know
how many "likes" I'm getting.

I like to see my "likes."

And when I can't,
I don't like it.

Uh,
I can't help but notice

You've become very preoccupied
with your "likes."

I like "likes."

But you can't
hug a "like,"

And a "like" won't
put its arm around you

When the cold wind blows.

'Cause a "like"
doesn't have arms.

Neither does
crazy fried rice.

No, it does not.

But it does have pineapple,
which is crazy.

Alih jey: ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

[ Dog barks ]

♪ Da, da, da, da

Dalia: okay.

i'd put in my time standing
awkwardly in the doorway,

and I think
it was now fair to say

this party wasn't my steez.

Mark: this party
isn't my steez.

What was that?

I'd rather pull a van gogh
and slice my ear off

Than listen
to the brainless chatter

That's echoing
through this room.

I think
I'm gonna call it a night.

I'm gonna
call it a night, too.

Yeah, that's a lot better
than standing here...

Both: watching that tanorexic
girl make drunk history.

[ Chuckles ]
uh, I'm tessa.

Mark.
I'm from chatswin.

Ryebrook.
Or as I like to call it...

Both: the worst place
in the whole entire world.

Did we just become
best friends?

"Step brothers,"
the best movie of .

Despite roger ebert
only giving it / stars.

Yeah,
what's his problem?

"Child " wasn't any better
than "problem child ."

I can't believe they made
three of those movies.

[ Gasps ]

Oh!

My, I think I'm sensing
a love connection.

There's no "d"
in "gran torino."

[ Both gasp ]

What's the deal
with you and malik?

Are you guys exclusive
or what?

Oh, malik and I are
really secure as a couple.

I've always told malik,
I told him,

"You can do
whatever you want to do

"As long as you can
look at yourself

In the mirror
and be okay."

Okay.
Okay?!

♪ You look so good

♪ I wish I could,
but that just ♪

♪ Ain't my type of hype, baby

♪ Me and you was crazy cool

but it wasn't okay,
and something told lisa

That if she didn't make a move,
her relationship with malik

would end up like
kid 'n play's -- over.

Mommy, I just "liked" something
I really didn't like.

What?! Why?

Because I didn't want to seem
like a hater

Even though I hate her.

Well, what did you like
that you didn't like?

A picture of tessa.

She met a cute guy
at a party last night.

I see.

Well,
it just so happens

You're about to meet
a cute boy, too.

Last night,
after our conversation,

I made an appointment

With a well-respected
matchmaking service

Called
it's just yogurt.

I don't want yogurt.
I want a boyfriend.

No, but this is for
a boyfriend.

See, they casually set you up
with an eligible bachelor,

And y'all two grab a yogurt,
and if you don't like him,

Well, hey, at least you got
a yogurt out of it.

But we have yogurt.

I think the yogurt part
is throwing you.

Honestly,
it's not about yogurt.

You'll see.

Oh, hey, lisa.

Tessa's actually not here.

I-i'm here to see you.

Oh.

Uh, can I get you
something to drink?

No, thank you.

[ Sighs ]

Very temperate weather
we've been having.

Yeah. Yeah.

And how are all your favorite
sports teams doing?

They're fine,
thank you.

And why do you think
your marriage failed?

Excuse -- excuse me?

You married young, for love.
That's fair to surmise.

Uh...

I -- I suppose
that's surmisable.

And yet,
it was a huge disaster. Why?

Who said it was a huge disaster?
Did tessa say that?

No.
But surmisable, right?

I mean...look around.

Okay, what is this about?
Besides making me feel bad.

I just --
I just need some advice

From someone who's been there,
you know?

This is a big decision,

And I don't want to
take it lightly.

I want to
do my research.

Okay, what big decision
are we talking about here?

I've decided
to ask malik to marry me.

Is that slang for going
to the prom or something?

No.

That's slang
for being life partners

For as long as we both
shall live...

And beyond, for all eternity,
in perpetuity,

Throughout this universe
and any others.

Okay. I guess I just don't see
what the big rush is.

You know, all eternity
isn't going anywhere.

Yes, but malik is.
We both are.

We're going to college
next year, and...

You should see the way

Some of these college girls act,
mr. Altman.

They are all over
his fine ass.

No, mnh-mnh.

I need to lock
this whole thing down now

While malik is still
at his low introductory rate

Before his whole situation
skyrockets.

Okay, uh...

I-i'm just
spit-balling here,

But, uh, what if you put
his...fine ass on layaway?

That was a metaphor,
mr. Altman.

Right.

You sure I can't
get you some lemonade?

Look, I don't
want to overpromise,

But I am literally
a miracle worker.

Right now, the vatican
is trying to have me sainted.

[ Gasps ] oh, my.
Do you hear that, dalia?

It's true.

I have single-handedly
found love for more people

Than eharmony,
okay-whatever,

Tinder, grouper,
it's just cappuccino combined.

So all I need to know
from you beautiful ladies

Is exactly what
you're looking for in a man,

And I guarantee
I will find you true love,

But read your contracts,

Because true love
is not guaranteed.

I don't want true love.
Even better.

I just want
a really cute boy

To rub
in tessa altman's face.

I don't know who that bitch is,
but I hate her already.

He should be anywhere between
' " and ' / ",

Brunette
but blond as a child,

Strong cheekbones

With a weak chin
that quivers when he cries,

But he never cries.

Overly arched eyebrows
are a plus.

His relaxed face should look
like he's tasting a gross lemon.

He should be cut,
in both senses of the word.

Slight curve to my left,
if possible.

Devout buddhist.

Okay. I love it.

You have given me
so much to work with.

You're welcome.

That's great.
What about you, darling?

What are you looking for
in a man?

Oh, I don't know.
Whatever you think is best.

Well, what's best
is whatever your heart desires.

So what does it desire?
Tell me.

Um...
Dalia had a good answer.

She did.
Thanks, mommy.

Um...

Well, I don't know.

Just somebody good
that you think would be good.

Oh, come on.
Let your imagination run wild.

Okay.
He should be super-nice.

Mm-hmm.
Or mean, maybe.

Why don't I help?
Do you want a guy with kids?

If he has them.

If not, he shouldn't go out
and get any on my account.

Religious?

If he believes, I will.
If he doesn't, I won't.

Wait. What?

My man -- I'm open to believe
in what he believes.

But he doesn't exist.

That's okay.

I don't want to put
any pressure on him.

Okay. All right.

I've seen this before.
[ Chuckles ]

You, my dear,

Are a little too preoccupied
with pleasing others.

That being the case,

I have the perfect person
for you.

[ Gasps ] oh, goody!

It's you.

Me?

I want to set you up on a date
with yourself.

I think you need
to get to know you

So you can decide
what you want.

Oh. Okay.

So, take yourself out
for a yogurt,

And if you don't
hit it off --

At least I get a yogurt
out of it.

Exactly!

And just so we're clear,

This does count as
one of the five matches
you've paid for.

Okay.

There are different standards
of beauty, sure,

But if you ask me, it's
imperfection that's alluring.

Total symmetry is bland.

And while it may be valued
above all else

In a town like chatswin,
to me, that girl over there

Looks like she just
rolled off an assembly line.

The processed hair,
the synthetic tan,

Face full
of injectables...

Blank stare.

i didn't even have to look.

i knew
mark was talking about dalia

Because he and I were two sides
of the same coin.

in fact, we were
the same side of the same coin.

Do you collect coins?

No.
Neither do i.

Oh, my god.
You're amazing.

making out with mark
was effortless.

we both tilted our heads
at the same time,

didn't go crazy
with the tongue.

kind of made me wonder
why I ever bothered

making out with
someone so different than me,

like ryan shay,
who went crazy with the tongue.

there. I said it.

So, h-how are things
at work?

Oh, you know,
living just enough for the city.

Sho' nuff.
[ Chuckles ]

Sho' nuff?

I hope everyone likes
fig bickies.

Okay, guys,
I'm -- I'm gonna --

I'm gonna cut
right to the chase.

I'm worried about lisa.

Join the club.

Meet the captain of it.
Toot, toot!

I feel a little bad
about going behind her back.

But as a parent,
I know I would want to be told.

What is it?

Alcohol?
Hashish?

Has she been dexing?
Robo-tripping?

She on the stove-top?
Chicken feed?

Did someone turn her out?
W-what -- no!

No. None of that.

[ Clears throat ]
she wants to marry malik.

[ Both laugh ]

Is that all?

To hell with tea.
Where's the champagne?

No, she's serious about it.
As she should be.

Malik's a catch.

Yeah, and let's face it --
a little out of her league,

So if she can
lock that down...

And that's a big "if."

...she should do it
right away.

Okay. Aren't you worried at all
that it'll be a disaster?

They're kids.

What could they possibly know
about making a marriage work?

Nothing.
But what is there to know?

Sheila and I got married
at a young age, and look at us.

Wouldn't change it
for the world.

Couldn't live
without each other.

Well, we could.
But we wouldn't want to.

But my heart would stop b*ating
the moment yours did.

Whereas, in my case,
you know, the cardio helps.

I swim, so...

Mine might b*at
a little longer.

O-okay. Anyway.

B-back to your daughter.
Darling?

In time, I may even learn
to love again.

[ Breathes deeply ]

You know,
for the sake of the children.

The children
would surely be grown.

Maybe a taller man.
I don't know.

Fair-haired
for a change of pace,

Works in finance,

Has a little summer place
on the island.

His name is keith.

Are you seeing someone?

You keep them guessing.
[ Chuckles ]

That is the gravy
in the marriage pot pie.

Oh!
Are we having pot pie?

It's a very simple
recipe,

And I will be sure
to share it with lisa.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, leave that, please.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you were eating alone.

I am.

[ Breathes deeply ]

This is ridiculous.

Is it?

Yes.

People are gonna think
I'm a crazy person

Having a conversation
with myself.

Why do you worry so much
about what other people think?

Who says I do?

The person
who knows you best -- me.

I'm not sure I like
your company.

I'm not sure I like
your outfit.

What's wrong
with my outfit?

Steven bought this for me
in nice.

It's your
least-favorite color,

Yet you wear it
all the time anyway.

It was a gift.

What about those earrings?

They're too heavy,
and they hurt.

Is there any part of you

That isn't some
calculated piece of man bait?

[ Gasps ]
how dare you?

I did not spend hours

Waxing my wherewithals
and ne'er-do-wells

To be insulted
by the likes of you.

You can't handle the truth.
Is that it?

I can't handle you!

And don't even think
about following me home.

I know where you live!

That woman
is a total nightmare.

Well, that was
the worst date ever. I hate me.

Sorry, mommy.
My match was perfect.

He wants to take me
to turks and caicos for vesakha.

Well, that's very nice, dalia.
I'm happy for you.

I'm just a little mad at myself
at the moment.

Sounds like
you were a total bitch.

I was!

I accused myself of being
wrapped up in pleasing men.

I said my entire identity
was nothing but a shiny jewel

Meant to capture
a man's eye!

I'll show me.

I don't need
these man-trapping fineries.

Mommy, don't.
Please, mommy, stop.

I am gonna give myself --
ow! -- A make-under.

Stop!

Dalia,
I have to do this.

Mommy, you don't know
what you're doing.

This high heels
are coming off.
Mommy.

[ Exhales sharply ]
oh, my god.

Mommy, no.
No, mommy, don't.

[ Gasps, screams ]
oh, my god! Mom!

Look away!
My feet are hideous!
Oh, my god.

Mommy!
They're deformed from years
of high-heel wearing!

Mommy,
I'm gonna throw up!

Dalia, don't look!

Mommy!
No, look away!

That's disgusting!
Don't look!

Mommy!
I said don't --
ohh, ohh! Ohh!

[ Thud ]

Dalia, help.

Carmen, mommy fell!

it was great dating someone

who could literally
anticipate your next move.

Do you need to use
the bathroom?

I do need to use
the bathroom.

but it could also be
a little...not great.

Want a bite?

We ordered
the exact same thing,

So, no.

I was kind of hoping
that you'd get some fries

So I could have some.

I was hoping
the same thing about you.

Well, I'm afraid
it's not great news, ms. Royce.

You have the most severe case
of barbie foot I've ever seen.

Is it hereditary?

No, it's cultural.

Mama had me in heels
before I could walk.

[ Babbling ]

It's just the family way,
doctor.

Oh, I get it. My family
likes to complain about food.

I mean, I'm not deformed
because of it,

But I am unpleasant
to dine with.

Oh, doctor,

Will I ever be
able to walk in flats?

No, you won't.

I would have to break
and reset

Almost every bone
in your foot.

It's a very costly
and painful procedure.

Oh, no.

But it is outpatient.

I'll take two.

Thanks for coming.

Lisa:
sure, mr. Altman.

After
our last conversation,

I was worried I wouldn't
be welcome, so...

What's this?

Grilled cheese.

I'm vegan now.

I thought you knew.

But you used to love
grilled cheese.

Didn't you once tell me
you'd be happy

Eating nothing
but grilled cheese

For the rest of your life?

And now you don't...
You don't eat it anymore.

That's weird.

What are you getting at?

Nothing.
Nothing at all.

I'm -- I'm happy
to make you something else,

Seeing that your tastes
have changed.

Well, thank you.

I guess
we should just both be glad

You never signed a contract
stating you would only eat

Grilled cheese
for the rest of your life.

In perpetuity.

Okay, I know an ambush
when I see one.

Lisa, wait.
Just hear me out, okay?

Like you said,
I've been there.

I want you to learn
from my mistakes.

When I was not much older
than you,

I thought I knew
what I wanted.

I thought
I knew it all.

But what I didn't know
was how much I didn't know.

You can't possibly know
what the future holds,

Not at your age.

What do you want me
to say?

I -- I want you to say

That you'll think about it
before you do anything rash.

Okay.
I'll think about it.

But, mr. Altman,
just so you know,

I do still like
grilled cheese.

I just make it
with vegan cheese.

Okay. Well, I think we both know
that's not real cheese.

It's like a million miles
from real cheese.

sex symbol, doting mom,
businesswoman, chatswinite.

when we strip away
our labels,

strip away the ways
in which we define ourselves,

what's left?
who are we at the core?

for dallas, the answer was...

[ Gasps ]
...a mousey brunette
with a limp.

Hello.

Sorry.

We don't have
any spare change.

Dalia, honey, it's me.
It's mommy.

Oh, my god.
Mommy, no.

You look like
a new yorker cartoon.

Huh.

Mommy, no.
You look so bad.

I miss my old mommy.

But your old mommy

Was only interested
in pleasing men.

Therefore, she was a monster,
not a mommy.

This is the new me,

And my sweater may itch,
my face may be patchy,

My hair may be brittle,
but at least I'm happy.

You don't look happy.

I'm miserable.

But I guess that's
just the price I pay

For being myself.

But you're not
being yourself.

Yourself goes to bed
with a full face of makeup,

Then reapplies lip gloss
in the middle of the night.

Yourself got a splenectomy
just to hit your goal weight.

And, sure,
yourself cares about looks,

But yourself also cares
about other stuff.

Like what?

turned out,
dalia knew dallas

better than she knew herself.

Yourself started
your own business

The same year yourself
became a single mom.

Yourself never
doubted yourself before,

So why is yourself
doubting yourself now?

Yourself has been
a huge inspiration to me,

And if you think
I'm great,

Then you should take
a look at yourself.

Except not --
not right now.

You look like something
carmen snaked out of our drain.

Okay.

Three-letter word for...

Hey.
W-where are you going?

You're about
to break up with me,

Which means
I'm just minutes away

From breaking up
with you.

We're too similar.

We have
all the same thoughts.

Both:
"duck dynasty" is scripted.

Yeah. Okay.
Okay.

You should go.

[ Bones cr*ck ]
dallas: aah!

they say
to never judge a person

until you've walked
a mile in their shoes.

[ Sighs ]

but I would add
that if you're wearing

the same shoes as the person
you're standing next to,

maybe it's time to broaden
your horizons.

I thought that's
what you liked about him.

I did...at first.

And then I missed

Being with someone
who challenged me

And made me try
stupid things

And always ordered
french fries.

[ Chuckles ]

Like ryan.

Guess there's a reason
opposites attract.

Exactly,
like you and malik.

Ebony and ivory.

[ Both chuckle ]
yeah.

You guys
are a great couple.

We are.

[ Clicks tongue,
exhales sharply ]

Malik is sasha fierce
to my hova,

And with that said...

I want you to be
my kelly rowland.

You lost me.

I...

Decided...

To ask malik
to marry me.

[ Laughs ]
wow!

Yeah.

Why?

Because I liked it,

So I'm gonna put
a ring on it.

What do you think?

Ah!
Yeah!

at that moment,

the only thing
i really could think was,

"thanks a lot, beyoncé."