03x09 - The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Suburgatory". Aired: September 28, 2011 –; May 14, 2014.*
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Series follows George, a single father who decides to move from NYC to the suburbs so he can give his teenage daughter a better life.
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03x09 - The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth

Post by bunniefuu »

Tessa: for dalia royce,

packing light
had never been a strong suit.

but she knew one piece
of baggage she wasn't bringing.

Mommy, off me!

Dalia, vacationing
on your boyfriend's yacht

In turks and caicos
sounds exciting,

But that destination
is déclassé.

No, it's not!
Yes, it is.

Off!

Dalia.

If you truly think you can enjoy
your little getaway

While I'm here all by myself
in this big house

With no weekend plans
and no human companionship,

Then you just go right ahead
and have a great time.

Thanks, mommy, I will.

sometimes,
when you find yourself alone

in a big, old house
with no weekend plans

or any form
of human companionship,

it forces you
to rekindle relationships

You've given up on in the past.

[ Dial tone ]

dallas' relationship
with her mom

was complicated
by a number of things...

[ Telephone rings ]

...one of which
had six-inch heels

and a back-combed bouffant.

Every day
is his blessing?

Georgia?
It's me -- dallas.

Now, I don't want to get
into a whole to-do with you.

I was just calling
to talk to mama.

Well, dallas,
you'll be pleased to know

That you can talk to mama
whenever you want to now.

You won't even
have to pick up a phone.

She passed
about an hour ago.

You know her last words
to me were,

"Did your sister call?"

And all I could say was,
"nope."

So, had you rung up
a tad earlier,

Mama might have survived.

The doctor said
she d*ed of a broken heart.

Actually, I said
coronary artery disease.

Funeral is sunday.

[ Receiver clicks, dial tone ]

meanwhile, george
was processing his own loss.

So, that's it?
That's it.

But I thought
you liked nora.

I do,
just not in that way.

But --
it wasn't meant
to be.

Man,
you seem so indifferent.

I hope -- I hope no one
ever feels that way

When they break up with me.

[ Laughs ]

Well,
I'm an adult, tessa.

Things are different
for us.

You know,
sometimes things work out.

Sometimes they don't.

And for the most part,
that's -- that's okay.

Okay.

Whatever you say.

Dud in the sack?
Kind of, yeah.

You done?
Yeah.

It's too bad, too,
'cause she had potential.

Just not in the sack.

Right,
not in the sack.
Shame.

But silver lining --
I got my wingman back.
[ Laughs ]

And just in time
to join me on a grouper.

Are you into groupers?

Uh, I mean,
maybe when I was in college,

But I got a kid, man.

I mean, unless you were
gonna let me...

[ Laughs ]
no, no, no, I couldn't.

Grouper's a dating service,
george.

Oh.
It's where a guy
and two of his single friends

Go on a blind date

With a girl
and two of her single friends.

Oh, okay! So kind --
kind of like a triple date.

Exactly!

Javier did one with me
a couple of months ago,

And now he's engaged.
Really?

She is hideous.

But, you know,
for him...not bad.

[ Laughs ]
well, it actually sounds fun.

Uh, who's our third?

Are you out of your mind?

Sheila would m*rder me for
even having this conversation.

[ Scoffs ]
did she send you?

Are you wearing a wire?

No!

I'm not
wearing a wire.

But why are you
wearing pumps?

Yes, why are you
wearing pumps?

Okay, plebs.
This is actually a kitten heel.

Sheila asked me
to break these in for her

So she wouldn't
develop calluses.

Now, fortunately,
we wear the same shoe size,

So it works out well
for everyone.

Does it?
Yeah, it does.

You know what, fred?

You can always say no,

But we just figured
that you might need

A sh*t of testosterone
in your life!

Boys.

My boys!

You know I love you.

And I think about you
all the time.

Nothing would make me happier
than to be your wingman,

But sheila would bag and trade
my testes like --

I will protect and defend
your testes if sheila finds out.

Finds out what?

It's -- it's
just drinks, fred.

You're -- you're not
doing anything wrong.

Okay. I'll do it.

Yes!
Yes!

But I have to wear flats.
My feet are starting to bleed.

Alih jey: ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

[ Dog barks ]

♪ Da, da, da, da

Dalia: okay.

[ High-pitched shrieking ]

Dallas?

Were you s-shrieking?

I don't believe so.
Why do you ask?

Uh, I don't know.

I just heard
this high-pitched shrieking,

And then
I opened the door

To find you
standing there creepily,

And I was, I guess,

Just wondering
if you were the source.

Well, it's possible
you heard my inner shriek.

Is there something going on
that I should know about?

No. Not at all.

But I did k*ll my mama.

You what?

k*lled her dead.

Mama d*ed
due to my neglect.

Like a fern
by the furnace.

Was that
the medical diagnosis?

Who are you --
dr. Quinn?

Mallomar?

I guess.

Mallomar can take
your taste buds on a joy ride,

But it can't offer companionship
to your own mama's funeral,

Now, can it?

I don't think so.

Neither do i.

Dallas, do you need someone
to go with you to the funeral?

Because I can
ask my dad.

Tessa!

I couldn't ask you outright,
but I accept!

Oh!

Just the thought
of facing my family all alone,

It makes me feel,

Well...

[ High-pitched shrieking ]

So weird!

But that is coming
from you, right?

[ Shrieking intermittently ]

Just out of curiosity,

How come we didn't take
your very comfortable mercedes

On this extremely long
road trip?

You mean
the yankee mobile?

No, sir.
Not in the south.

Come down here in some
foreign car, get strung up.

Sounds like
a really welcoming place.

See, it's sarcasm like that
that'll get you strung up.

Pretty much anything will get
you strung up where I come from.

Good to know.

Anything else I should know
about your neck of the woods?

I've never been
this far south before.

Well,
mama used to always say,

"Grits are just like
normal folk, only more so."

Grits?
"Girls raised
in the south."

Don't worry, t-bone, they're
gonna love you down here.

Sop you up
like a biscuit.

A little extra hair,
and you'll fit right in.

I packed some for you.
Some extra hair?

Yep. You never know how much
the occasion's gonna call for.

We're going to a funeral.

You're right.

We'll hit the hair barn
at the next intersection.

Okay.
[ Clears throat ]

Now, before
the ladies get here,

We should discuss
some scenarios.

Okay.
All right.

Scenario number...
Mm-hmm.

...they're big 'uns.

"Big 'uns"?

And we haven't
ordered cocktails.

In that case,
we use the phrase,

"Oh, look, they don't have
turkey sliders."

That is code
for "abort mission."

They actually have
turkey sliders, though.

Now, if they are
new chunk city

And we have
ordered cocktails,

In that case,
I say we just

Talk about all of the stds
that we have.

Well,
that makes sense to me.

What?!
That cannot make sense to you.

That is the worst plan
I've ever heard.
Oh, boys.

Uh [clears throat]

I don't think
it's gonna be an issue.

[ Meredith brooks'
"bitch" plays ]

by the time we arrived
at dallas' family home,

i'd had motion sickness,
$ worth of rest-stop food...

Hubba!
Well, look who it is!

Come here!
Oh! Oh!

...and a full-on
southern-gal makeover.
whoo-wee, chicken bone!

I got things in my colon
weigh more than you.

[ Laughs ]
who's this?

Uh, hubba,
this here is --

Ooh!
I'm sorry! So sorry!

Um, I'm tessa altman,
and I'm from new york.

And we are trained
to do that.

She's scrappy.
Like her. [ Laughs ]

Little gingersnap. Little --
little firecracker. Little --

Emmaline: hubba, I swear
you would think that it was

The th of july instead
of my sister's funeral.

Now, you keep
your damn voice down.

Uh.
Wha...?

[ Scoffs ] well,
i-i can't believe.

Could it really be?
Doesn't seem.

And yet, it is.

Unless I'm --

Nope, not dreaming.

It's piggy.

Emmaline, I go
by my birth name now.

Georgia, savannah,
sunset-laemmle, get out here.

This little piggy
has run all the way home.

♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

♪ I'm a child, I'm a mother
rivalries die hard
in the south.

♪ I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
and this one
was no different.

♪ I do not feel ashamed
well, rock my soul
in the bosom of abraham.

You came!
Well, of course I came.

And I surely hope
you don't blame yourself.

You told me
it was my fault.

That's true. It was.

She k*lled our mama twice,
you know.

That's not possible.

Once when you
did not invite mama

To the birth
of dalia oprah.

And then again
when you divorced steven

And tarnished
the family name.

And then this last time
when you actually k*lled her

With your
tardy-ass phone call.

That's a total
of three times.
That's right.

She k*lled her mama
three times.

And, lord,
if she would have seen

This little bald girl marching
into her christian home!

[ Laughs ]
bald girl?

I'm, like -- I'm, like, wearing
pounds of human hair.

Would have k*lled her again.
Oh, where
are my manners?

Would either of you homicidal
maniacs like a sweet tea?

♪ Oooh, oooh

Sweet tea?

♪ Oooh

♪ Oooh, oooh

I want to switch.

No, you don't.
Yes, I do.

No.
Mine's got
a clicking jaw.

Every time she chews,
I can hear it.

She's got, like,
a mechanical pencil in her face.

[ Clicking ]

That's her jaw?
That's her jaw.

Mine is married.

Yeah, she's just here
for support, like fred.

So the cooler has his hooks
in the only eligible one?
Fred: yeah. Yeah.

He got...

Linda.
He -- he got linda!

My jaw may click,
but my hearing's just fine.

Tonight,
our spirits are low.

But our hair is high.

Well, mostly.

Are you kidding? I had trouble
clearing the doorway.

I can barely
hold my head up.

Sunset-laemmle,
say grace.

Oh, why does she
always get to say grace?

She ain't holier than me.

Dear lord, thank you
for the fried food

We are about to receive,

And also thank you
for the broiled peanuts

And -- and
the shrimp and grits,

Seeing as those
were her favorites.

Let's eat.
Before we do so, I would like
to say a few words.

Heaven surely shines
a little brighter tonight

Knowing that my sweet mama
has entered its gates.

Amen. Let's eat.
I-i would also like
to say a few words myself.

Mama, as your firstborn,
we shared a special bond

You didn't share with any
of your subsequent children.

Amen.
Mama.

You were the wind
beneath my wings.

You were the apple
of my eye.

You were the cream
in my coffee.

You were
my blood diamond, mama.

Well, I think it's clear

You both loved your mama
very much, and equally so.

You were my november rain.
You were my hunt
for red october.

I never left her side.
She never left my heart.

She was my best friend.
She was my twin!

Tessa:
okay, well, let's eat.

I don't want the boiled peanuts
to get cold.

Oh, they're already cold
and weirdly slimy.

I hate them.

Hubba?
Thank you.

Mama lived and d*ed
with me by her side,

And everybody in this family
knows of my dedication to her.

But did -- did y'all know
about the things

That mama did
for me, huh?

How she cheered me up
when I was sick?

Mama was
my patch adams!

She was so patient.

She taught me
how to do things that she --
she was my mr. Miyagi.

Dallas!
What?!

Stop trying
to out-eulogize me.

This whole family knows

That you did not give a pickled
rat's ass about mama.

Is that what this is?

Now, look here,
we may have been estranged,

But that does not mean mama
was not the cherry in my coke

Because she was.

She made me who I am.

She was my geppetto!


meanwhile, back in chatswin,

there was only one couple
on the group date

who'd found
the recipe for love.

And what I like to do
is add just a dash of cinnamon

To the peach reduction
to infuse it

With a "what the huh?!"
Flavor.

[ Laughs ]
fred, you're reckless.

Well...

Noah:
and married, you know?

I'm sorry?

My man fred here --

He's matrimonious,
as in off the market, unavails.

Is that true?

Uh, I'm afraid so.
Fred, no.

You know what?
Maybe we should call it a night?

Ladies, thank you
for a wonderful evening.

I'm sorry it didn't work out
for any of us.

Fred.
Yeah?

I'd really like
to keep in touch.
Oh.

Even if it's
just as friends.

Um, we could
swap recipes.

I'll send you
peach crumble.

I'll send you
ooey-gooey-chewy cookies.

Oh, that sounds
wonderful.
[ Both laugh ]

Tessa:
those were some beautiful things
you said at dinner tonight.

Dallas: tessa, can I be honest
with you?

My mama
was a narcissistic,

Punishing,
alienating sea-bitch.

She came from the...?

Sea.
I always felt so.

So all those things
you said at dinner...

That's
how mama liked it --

Everyone fighting
over who loved her more.

And every time
I walk through this door,

It's like I'm years old again,
trying to prove myself.

Dallas,
take it from someone

Who has...mommy issues
of their own.

If you don't talk about it,
it never goes away.

I think you owe it
to yourself

To have an honest conversation
with her about your feelings.

But it's too late.

Is it?

You never supported me.

You pushed me into marriage
before I was ready.

You criticized
every choice I ever made.

Go on.

She can handle it.

And I really could have
used your support

When I went through
that nasty divorce with steven.

I'll never understand
why you had to make everything

A competition
between georgia and me.

[ Sighs ]

I suppose the answer
to all these questions

Now lies at the bottom
of the sea.

Oh, down
in the bubbly blue...

...where you came from,
sea-bitch.

Okay. That'll do.

Congratulations,
dallas.

You did it.

Yeah.

I guess I did.

I should have never exchanged
my particulars with that woman.

She has my particulars!
Fred! Relax!

I took a toke.

It was laced with linda,
and I got high off her flow.

Now I'm coming down.
I'm legit tripping.

And half of me thinks
shorty's gonna blow up my spot.

[ Cellphone vibrating ]
she is.

She's gonna blow up
my spot.

[ Grunting ]

[ Muttering indistinctly ]

You handled that nicely.

E-mail --
I have to change my e-mail.

Okay.

All right.
[ E-mail alert dings ]

[ Laughs ]

She's trying
to reach you cross-platform!

No, don't click on it!

Fred, look
at the subject line.

It's a cookie recipe.

Relax.
Okay.

You've got
nothing to worry about.
Okay.

hi, fred.

i promised to show you
my warm, drippy cookies,

and I'm about to.

i'm about to show you how
i like to put them in my mouth.

Oh, don't you dare!

Oh, don't you dare,
fred!

Ohh!
Listen to me!

[ Grumbles ]
don't you dare!

fred! [ Giggles ]

it's so hot.

oh, I didn't expect it
to be so...hot.

[ Giggles ]

hmm.
you are perfect.
i love you.

Ooh. Can you believe how drippy
and molten the insides are?

mmm!
ohh! I can't watch!

oh, fred,
these cookies.
i can.

mmm!
ohh.
lick your lips.

Don't lick them.
ooh.

You lick your lips.

mmm.
yes!

[ Groaning ]
[ laughs ]

Ooh.
Aah!

Ooh.

Sheila: fred!

What's going on here?

Why do you have a friend over?
It's a school night.

Hello, mrs. Shay.
What kind of trouble
are you boys getting into?

[ Voice shaking ] no kind
of trouble at all, dear.

We were just,
uh, watching --
snuff p*rn.

Saved it.
Noah!

That kind of filth may be fine
in your household,

But fred has not been
exposed to that.

It is not appropriate
for him.

Remember, he is quite a bit
younger than you are.

What?!
He looks up to you.

Because I'm taller.

Come on, there's no way
that fred is younger than me.

Well, I'll tell you
what's not getting any younger

Is the rump I'm roasting
for sheila's dinner.

I'll, uh, just start
by clearing the table.

Start by removing
this cumbersome laptop.

[ Chuckles ]

Putting it in this drawer
and swallowing the key.

[ Gulps ]

[ Chuckles ]

Hope everyone
likes little potatoes!

How old
do you think I am?

Okay, here's the plan.

I cough up the key,
we unlock the drawer,

You dispose
of the evidence.

Sheila's never the wiser.
Okay.

[ Coughing ]

Dad!

It's already unlocked!

What --
looking
for something, boys?

Uh, uh...i see your knuckles
are bloody, my love.

Are they?

Did you have an accident
of some sort?

I'll go get a band-aid.
Don't you go anywhere!

Uh, hey,
what's that stubborn matter

You're scraping
from beneath your nails there?

Some of it's dirt.

Some of it's
semi-sweet morsels.

And the rest of it...
Is linda.

I've got homework.
Aah!

My sweets
are the only treats

You should be sampling,
fred shay.

Remember that.

And help linda
remember that, too,

Since I suspect
her short-term memory may be...

Spotty from now on.

Ooh. [ Chuckles ]

Kitty has claws.
[ Laughs ]

But she's alive, right?

Don't worry.

I didn't touch
a hair on her head.

I just tripped and fell
after pooping in her mailbox.

Ooh.
She's been warned.

Dallas: well, made it
through the funeral.

And I can't
thank you enough

For being ol' dirty bastard
to my mariah.

You're very welcome,
dallas.

Hey, do you want
to come in or something?

No, thanks.

I think I've had
enough turmoil for one day.

I don't need
to see your daddy

And his new girlfriend
canoodling.

Oh.
No, they broke up.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

How sad.
George seems
fine about it.

Oh.
Good night.

Hey. You made it back
in one piece.

I need a hot shower
and a triple bypass.

[ Laughs ] hey.

Hey.

You okay?
I'm okay.

That gal of yours
is pretty special.

Yeah.

Hey, uh, I'm sorry
about your mom passing, dallas.

I wanted to...
Offer my condolences.

Oh. Back at you.

May nora rest in peace.

Heard you stamped out
your latest flame.

Yeah, well, you know,
relationships are complicated.
Yes.

And she's a great girl
with a warm heart,

And I wish her
the best.

Dud in the sack?

[ Laughs ]

Well, they can't all be
dallas royce.

No, sir, they cannot.

[ Engine turns over ]

Fred could be your father.

Okay?

He could be
your [bleep] father.
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