03x11 - Dalia Nicole Smith

[bunniefuu]

[ Buzzer, clicking ]

Tessa: serving time
in chatswin penitentiary,

one can almost forget
that at some point

your sentence is going to end.

[ Thud ]

meeting with college
admissions officers

almost felt like getting
in front of a parole board.

I stayed clean.
I kept to myself, mostly.

I stayed out of trouble,
and I learned a lot

From the experience that I think
will help me on the outside.

I mean...
At your fine university.

[ Chuckles ]
okay, tessa, just relax.

Why don't you tell me,
um, a little bit about

Your extracurricular
activities?

Right.

Well, i-i held
a part-time job

At one of the top crystal
retailers on the east coast,

Leading their sales division
to record earnings.

I performed in a multicultural
world-music band.

I played lead rain stick.
Oh.

And when
my best friend's family

Decided to foster
a cambodian child,

I started an initiative
to help assimilate him

Into chatswin by sometimes
walking him to school.

Very impressive.

i hoped so.

i was doing my best
to come off that way

since I knew the competition
would be stiff.

I don't have
any curricular activities.

No, your extracurricular
activities.

What I'm asking is,

What do you do
besides just going to school?

Oh. Lots.

I'm super into tanning,
nail care, red carpets,

My housekeeper carmen,
blind items, brody jenner,

Bentleys, apps --

Both foodstuffs
and the kind on my phone.

I'm really into molly.
Molly?

My friend molly benzworth.
We met on a teen tour.

She's hella chill,
but she drinks too much.

Anything else?
I'd like to be
a writer someday.

I love poe, carver,
chuck palahniuk,

A.m. Homes, kingsolver.

This all sounds wonderful,
tessa.

Is there anything else
you want me to know

Before we wrap up
our little chat?

I like snapchatting,
skype-chatting, chit-chatting,

And I love,
love accessorizing...

Like so, so much.
Accessorizing.

I just tend
to put a lot of thought

Into thinking about ways
to make an outfit really pop.

I wonder if you put

A fraction of that thought
into your grades.

Oh, I didn't.

I really try
not to focus on my grades

Because I don't believe
they define me --

Not the way
a good belt can.
I'm sorry.

Don't be. A lot of people
make the same mistake.

But I'm sure
there's a waistline hiding

Under that big, bulky sweater
of yours somewhere.

In fact,
I know there is.

Anyway,
you've been great.

Thanks
for having me on.

[ Door opens ]

Alih jey: ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

[ Dog barks ]

♪ Da, da, da, da

Dalia: okay.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

This is where you're gonna
be spending most of your time.

Seeing dalia on the campus tour
for havenbrook

instantly reduced it
to a safety school.

So, you really think
it went well?

I pretty much
k*lled it, mommy.

I really think
that lady loved

All the super-dope stuff
I'm into.

[ Gasps ] like what
super-dope stuff?

I don't know.
Ask her.

She's the one who was,
like,

Jumping up and down
about everything.

Oh! Dalia,
this is so exciting.

I wonder if this place of
learning will be your new home

Or if it'll be
some other college campus.

This is the only school
I applied to, mommy.

Wait. What? But why?

Because it's close enough that
I can still live in my room.

I spent a lot of time
designing my room,

And I'm gonna
sleep in it forever.

One day,
my husband and children

Are gonna sleep
in there with me.

But, dalia, what if you don't
get into this school?

I will.
It'll be a cinch.

It's a -minute wait
for a table.

Sorry. We're slammed
with all the college-tour kids.

You want to
sit at the bar?

Fine by me.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

All right.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

You must be from tennessee

Because
you're the only I see.

And you must be
from new jersey.

No, missouri.
The "show me" state.

[ Chuckles ]
what?

This place
is such a meat market.

Do you want wings? The bar
is basically just wings.

More importantly, why isn't
anyone trying to pick us up?

I'm meat.
I'm in the market.

Oh, I --
oh, I'm sorry.
Oh.

No problem.
Excuse me.

No, this place
is crazy right now.

Standing room only.
Yeah.

It's nuts.
[ Chuckles ]

Look at me.

Just chit-chatting with
a beautiful girl over here.

[ Clears throat ]
mom. Our table.

Oh, um,
y-you're welcome

To crowd in with us
if you'd like.

Yes, please.

Yes.

Uh, yeah...sure.

I'm tessa.

I'm kenny.

George.
Uh, karen.

Okay.

♪ Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah-blah ♪

[ Trunk closes ]

[ Horn blares ]

Remember me?

Oh! Oh!
I-i'm so sorry.

That is so dalia.

Hate her or love her,
you have to love her.

You do, anyway.
Oh!

Well, you will, too.

Next year, she'll just
matriculate all over.

Miss royce,
let me be perfectly blunt.
Yes.

With dalia's grades
and her test scores

And her general demeanor...
Yes.

She's probably
better qualified

For junior college...
Or the bling ring.

Are you saying --
she's not getting in.

I don't know.
I have a good feeling.

About havenbrook?
Not me.

Havenbrook? No, I'm talking
about karen and kenny.

Oh...them.

Them? Come on.

They were okay.

Okay?

Th-they're ivy league.

In terms of...?
In terms of looks.

In terms
of physical attributes.

They were smart
and funny and hot.

They're like the gilmore girls.
[ Chuckles ]

Except one's a dude.
You said it.

I feel like you think kenny
is more attractive than I do.

Kenny is a babe, okay?
[ Chuckles ]

I wish I looked like kenny
when I was years old.

There wasn't a single freshman
on that campus

That was more attractive
than kenny.

Kenny is magnificent!

Also, his mom said

"The four of us should
get together again sometime."

So for the time being,
we're a package deal.

She's not getting
into college!

Our girl!
Nope.

Well,
you don't seem surprised.

I'm surprised
you're surprised.
Carmen, how could you?!

What's gonna become
of our dalia?

She's gonna have to get a job
like the rest of us.

Carmen, be serious.

She could
join the m*llitary.
Carmen!

You know damn well
dalia has trouble

With following orders
and waking up early

And pull-ups and humvees
and short haircuts.

You can't
take care of her forever.

She has to find
her calling.

I don't like calling.
I'm text only.

Dalia, honey.
[ Sighs ]

I've got
some terrible news.

News that is gonna
shake you to the core.

It is gonna
make you shutter and cry.

It's gonna make you
stop, drop, and roll.

[ Inhales sharply ]

You're not getting into
the only school you applied to.

'Kay.

No,
but it's not 'kay.

It's the opposite
of 'kay.

But I promise that one day soon
it will be 'kay,

'Cause with a little tenacity,
we are gonna figure out

What it is
you were born to do.

Dalia, honey...
Aren't you gonna say anything?

On the bright side,
I can still sleep in my room.

[ Gasps ]
that's true.

And carmen can still
keep her job cleaning it.

So, I guess all of this worked
out really well for you, carmen.

Who is having
a great time? I am.

[ Laughter ]
can you believe what
a great time we're all having?

Okay, mommy, here we go.
Okay.

[ Beep ]
go.

Yours has picture frames
and vases on it.

Mantle! Mickey mantle!
Correct.

Yes.

Okay, uh,
we hate this person.
Jessica seinfeld.

Yes, but for us,
the male version is...

Nick cannon!
Correct!

Oh, yes!

Wow, looks like you and mommy
make a great team, huh?

[ Laughs ]
uh-huh.

Maybe we should,
uh, you know, switch sides.

Or we could
take a dessert break?

Anyone want some pie?

I baked a salted
caramel apple pie.

Ooh.
You should take her
up on that, george.

My mom's pie
is award-winning.
Oh.

I am in.

What award?

What?
You said award-winning.

What award did it win?

Oh, it's just
a figure of speech.

"Award-winning"
is not a figure of speech.

It's a claim and...

Sounds like in your case
it's a false one.

Okay. Go get some forks.
For the, uh -- the pie.

[ Chuckles ] uh...

[ Chuckles ]

I don't think
she likes me.

Oh, of course
she likes you.

Yeah, we all like each other.
It's palpable.

Yeah, you know,
and remember, sweetie,

Some girls like
to play hard to get.

Speaking of,
it's getting late.

We should
probably get going.

Oh,
but what about your pie?

Oh, enjoy.

I will get the plate
next time.

Next time. Right.

[ Chuckles ]

All right.
Have a good night.

Not to die on this hill,

But nick cannon has brought
a lot of enjoyment

To a lot of people and,
unlike karen's pie,

Has won actual awards,
so...

I'm just saying.

with college
no longer an option,

dalia set out to explore
any possible job opportunity

that didn't require a degree.

What are all those
crazy robot heads?

Microwaves.
And that's your station.

[ Sizzling ]

[ Indistinct conversations
in distance ]

I want the office
with the window.

That's the drive-thru window,
and no.

I want a raise.

I don't think
this is gonna work out.

Thank you
for considering me.

food service clearly
wasn't dalia's calling,

so she decided to try carmen's
advice about the m*llitary.

Get it, girl.

Al-qaeda's coming!

And time!

Well, I guess
master gunnery sergeant

Isn't in the cards,
which is a shame

'Cause their emblem's
so darn cute.

Maybe something
more blue collar.

Or a mandarin collar.
Or collar-less.

Or maybe
something more coveralls.

[ Engine sputters ]

Oh, crap.
You hear that?

It keeps
making that rattle.

Did you check the belt?

% Of life's problems
are belt-related.

Car ready?

Oh, hey.
No, not yet, sir.

We just need a couple
more minutes with her.

Tell you what, why don't I
have dalia wheel you outside

So you don't have to smell
our fumes...

And so I don't
have to smell his.

'Kay.

I like your wheelchair.
It's tight.

George: $ .
No!

$ .

You do realize you are
trying to pay your daughter

To go on a date
with someone she doesn't like.

If I accepted, think about
what that would make me.

A team player?

You're a terrible parent.
Get out of my room.

Okay, what if I could
talk to kenny?

You know, change him.

What -- what -- what is it
about him you don't like?

Are you kidding,
george?

He's a total mama's boy.
He's pathetic.

Pathetic or completely justified
with an amazing mama like her?

What is so amazing
about her, george?

Please, enlighten me.

Okay. Okay.

For starters,
she smells fantastic.

She has long,
shiny hair.

She told that hilarious story
about what great time

They made on the way
over to our place.

She's a boring,
beautiful woman.

You just like her
because she's hot.

I, however, have slightly
higher standards.

So, what you're saying
is you'd love to be there

But you've come down
with a bad case of rickets.

I get it.
You're pathetic.

Mommy?

Mommy, where are you?

Dalia?
Is everything okay?

Everything
is better than okay.

I found my future.

It was
at that smelly garage.

[ Gasps ]
oh, my gosh, yes!

The future is always in the last
place you think to look for it.

You're a grease monkey!
I knew it!

No, mommy, I'm not.

No? Well, then what are you?
Accountant?

No.
Air traffic controller?

No.
Tastemaker?

No.
Humorist?

Close your eyes
and hold your nose.

What?

[ Sighs ]

This is harold.

I'm his problem now.
[ Chuckles ]

But we have to build
a ramp to my room.

That's
carmen's problem now.

[ Gasps ]

Dalia!
You cannot do this.

You cannot go out
with that decrepit old man.

That decrepit old man
is my everything.

We're soul mates.

Now,
if you'll excuse me,

I need to get him started
on some fluids.

Dalia,
he is not your soul mate.

He barely
has a soul left.

You can't have
any kind of life

With that dried-up,
shriveled-up,

Absent-minded,
brittle sack of nothing.

Mother-in-laws
never like me.

I won't let you do it.
I'm an adult.

I don't need you
to let me.

I can let myself.
[ Gasps ]

dalia's safety school
was an old man in a wheelchair,

so dallas realized
she had to get her

into her first choice
by any means necessary.

Miss royce,
what can I do for you?

You can let my baby
into this school.

I can't do that.
Oh, but I think you can.

See, I'm prepared
to write you a check

That will make you look upon
my daughter very differently.

So, what you need?
New medical school?

It's on me.

Let's cure some things
up in this bitch.

Miss royce, please.

It's clear that you love
your daughter and I admire that.

But her admittance
can't be bought.

It has to be earned.
I'm sorry.

[ Sighs ]

I blew it.

I bought her
so many actual gifts

I forgot to nurture
her natural gifts.

That's not entirely true.

As I recall, she offered me
some very keen fashion advice.

She did?
She suggested
I "belt it."

I tell you --
it's made a world of difference.

Even my wife noticed.

So, when it comes to belts,
dalia really knows her stuff.

[ Gasps ] oh, my gosh!

Not about your sexuality.

I totally called that one,
but [gasps]

Dalia does have a gift!

It will be a cinch.

Did you check the belt?

Not the way
a good belt can.

Which singer
should we vote for, dalia?

[ Distorted ]
the one that can belt.

That's it! That's her future!
I've seen it!

Belts.

Thank you.
You guys look great tonight.

Thank you.
Thanks, george.

So, you do
anything exciting today?

Are you asking me
or my mom?

Both of you, but, karen,

Why don't you go ahead
and take this one.

Mm...well,
I made incredible time

On the way
to the restaurant.

I think
I hit every green light.

W-what did I stop,
like, twice, kenny?

I don't know.
So, tessa's really sick, huh?

What did you say
she had?

Rickets. [ Chuckles ]
no, I know what you're thinking.

But th-they are back
in a big way.

She might die, so...
She'll be fine, though, someday.

She just needs
to get some sunlight...

[ Clears throat ]
...and, uh, milk?

I think? I don't know.

Anyway, so, karen,
gps or free-balling?

I think you're full of it.
I don't think tessa's
really sick.

Kenny.
No, she --
no, she's absolutely sick.

Then I'm gonna
go check on her.
Great idea.

And I suppose she'll be
really happy to see me.

Yes. If she isn't,
it's o-on account of the...

Rickets.
The rickets. Exactly.

Oh.

Ohh.

Kenny just really
likes your daughter.

I know how he feels.

[ Chuckles ]
but I should
probably be honest, karen.

I don't think
the feeling's mutual.

Tessa doesn't have rickets.
I wish she did.

Well,
i-i don't wish she did.

I wish that was why
she's not here.

She's just not...
Into kenny, you know?

Not the way
I'm into you.

Hmm.
I know how she feels.

I thought you loved kenny.
I love kenny!

I'm talking about you.

I only agreed
to go out with you

Because kenny was so smitten
with your daughter.

But if that's not happening,
neither is this.

Yeah, well, guess who's
getting stuck in rush hour.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Both grunting ]

You need to stop
eating carbs, harold.

I weigh pounds,
you weakling.

Dalia oprah!
Drop that elderly!

W-whoa!

Dalia, I sincerely apologize
if I have ill-prepared you

For the world
and/or made you feel

Like you didn't have a place,
but you do!

I glimpsed it.

The answer has been right below
our waists this whole time.

Hooking?
No, silly. Belts!

Belts?
What kind of belts?

Leather belts,
replacement belts, buckle belts,

Title belts, braided belts,
sour belts, skinny belts,

Wide belts, snake belts,
chain belts, cummerbunds,

Big buckle belts,
elastic belts, sash?

That's what
I'm trying to tell --

Studded belts, beaded belts,
printed belts,

Woven belts,
cowboy belts,

Monogrammed, natural fiber,
attached?

You done?

I truly believe --
grosgrain self-tie.

...we found your calling.

I'm breaking up
with you.

[ Laughter ]

Kenny, i-i'm sorry
I lied to you.

Tessa does not have rickets
as you can see.

She just didn't
want to hang out with you.

Actually...
Kenny's cool.

He's a lot easier
to like

When I'm not being
forced to like him.

Yeah, we get along
a lot better

When our parents
aren't around.

Really?

You don't think
the same could be...

Is it worth trying again
with your awesome mom?

Sure. Go for it.

Hey, nothing ventured.

[ Door opens ]
not a chance in hell.

[ Door closes ]
i wasn't even in college yet
and I was already leaving

poor george
to fend for himself.

but the fact was,
the future was coming

and all any of us could do
to prepare for it

was...buckle up.

Get 'em, girl.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Can I help you?

These belts are awesome.
I know.

I'll take all of them.

Cash or credit?

Cash or credit, baby?

Cash.

He's heavier than he looks,
so lift with your knees.