20x18 - Girlfriend, Eh?

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

I'm home from camp.

- Welcome home.
- Meg's been wearing your clothes.

Ah, my big man.

How was Camp Angry Indian?

Oh, they had to rename it Camp Redface.

Then soon after,
Camp Washington Football Team.

But camp was awesome.

I got a girlfriend.

She's smoking hot,

and she has some off the charts
scary political views,

but largely because
of the smoking hot thing,

we've decided to stay together.

My boy has a girlfriend?

Oh, Chris, that's amazing.

Good job, Chris. You've really
impressed your old dad.

Like Richard Gere's gerbil
impressed his dad.

(PHONE RINGS)

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Hello?

GERBIL SON (OVER PHONE);
Dad, you're never gonna believe

where I am.

- Freaking Doug.
- (BUTTON BEEPING)

"Gooey Stewie, Gooey Stewie.

Eats all day and now he's ooey".

Yeah, right. I'll show him.

Whoa, since when do you have
a treadmill?

I took it from a Curves.

They mostly just lie on mats.

(BUTTON BEEPING)

(GRUNTS) Brian, help!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Bizarro Family Guy?
- Bizarro Family Guy.

It's just the fire.

(DEVICE BEEPS)

Peter, how is a stud finder
gonna help with this?

Beep, beep, beep.
Looks like I found the stud.

(PETER AND STEWIE LAUGH)

Oh, I know we have our differences,

but stuff like that,
it-it... man, it's just...

I just... it's-it's fun.

Enough, Peter. I'm calling a handyman.

- (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
- Fine. What's in here, anyway?

- Bizarro Peter?
- Bizarro Peter.

It's just that I'm reading.

Peter, how many times
do I have to tell you

to stop leaving your wet swimsuit

at the bottom of the stairs?

I never know when
I'll be back in the sprinklers.

I got to be able to grab and go
when they start spraying.

Ugh, you're impossible.

See that, Chris?

In the Hungry Hungry Hippos
game of marriage,

I just ate one of her marbles.

I don't think you should
be proud of that, Dad.

- Excuse me?
- Let me give you a nickel's worth

of free advice from one
happily taken man to another.

We've got two of these

and only one of these,

so we should listen
twice as much as we talk.

(CHUCKLES) Remember, Dad, never
question your wife's choices.

After all, you were one of them.

I love cooking with wine.

Sometimes, I even put it in the food.

Are you just quoting aprons
you saw in a kitchen magazine?

The last few, yes.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a Chaturbate date with my love.

Isn't it hard to find
each other on there?

Yeah, but that's part of the dance.

Hey, Jerome, could I get
a Twisted Tea over here?

Uh-oh. Never a good sign when
a guy strays from linear tea.

- Everything okay, Peter?
- Eh, it's just Chris.

Ever since he got a girlfriend,
he's been insufferable.

Chris got a lady? That's great.

Do we know anything about this girl?

All I know is he met her
at camp, and she's from Canada.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Trouble.

Have you seen Chris Face Time her

or heard her on the phone or anything?

- No, why?
- Peter,

I don't know how to say this,

but Canada is kind of a red flag.

Yeah, and white,
with a big leaf in the middle.

You're awesome at flags. So what?

I hear Canada has a pretty
handsome prime minister.

It's Tru-deau.

Think about it, Peter,
a Canadian camp girlfriend

nobody has ever seen?

Seems a bit suspicious to me.

What, you think he made her up?

Chris wouldn't lie about this.

You'd be surprised
at what people lie about.

Cleveland claims he likes Miller
Lite because it tastes great.

- It does.
- It's less filling.

- Tastes great.
- Less filling!

(SOMBER VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS)

NARRATOR: The Great
American Beer Conflict.

Brother fought brother,

mother fought daughter,

father fought son.

A nation divided

over which was the least trashy quality

of a crappy, domestic river beer.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- MEG: Door!
- I know!

Sheesh-kabibbles.

MEG: Who is it?

Oh, probably just the handyman
here to fix the...

Bocce balls!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(DING)

Hi there, young lady.
I'm Jamie the Handyman.

I heard you had a hole
that needed to be filled.

(LAUGHS) Yes.

Is that a big job?

Nothing my caulk can't handle.

So you just...

fill the hole with your caulk?

Yes, it's very thick,

and it stays hard forever.

(MOANS)

MISSION CONTROL: We have
liftoff on Operation Thirsty Housewife.

Repeat, we have liftoff.

(CHEERING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I didn't say you could be in this.

Well, it's still a bit moist,
but should dry up soon.

LOIS, MEG and STEWIE: Don't count on it.

- What's that?
- Nothing.

Hey, um, I was hoping

maybe you could come back tomorrow

and fix our... sink or-or something?

Well, I usually charge
a minimum of two hours, so...

why don't you call me when you
have a few things for me to...

- (BANGING, SHATTERING)
- (LOIS AND MEG GRUNTING)

Okay, so for tomorrow,

could you fix a few windows,

a door ripped off its hinges

and a thermostat
that was smashed with a...

- (INDISTINCT WHISPERS)
- Fire poker.

Whoa, talk about flaming hot.

Bizarro Stewie, you rascal.

We're buds now. (SCREAMS)

Still getting used to that.

LOIS: Peter, the stairs are all
wet from your swimsuit aga...

- (SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
- (LOIS FALLING DOWN STAIRS)

Put these in the shower.

Lois, I work hard to keep this family

in wet bathing suits,
and at the end of the day,

all I want is to come home, relax,

do a couple of rad jumps
through Sprinkler City,

and then enjoy a Popsicle
on the front steps

while I look at bugs.

We don't deserve this guy.

Hey, Dad? Rule number one,

your wife is always right.

Rule number two, if your wife is wrong,

please refer to rule number one.

(SNIFFS, LAUGHS) I got to text
that to my girl later.

Why not right now?

Oh, she's probably eating dinner,

and we believe family time is special.

Uh-huh. So, Chris,

what's this "girl's" name, anyway?

Jennifaire.

Well, I'd love to see

Jennifaire's Facebook page.

Oh, we don't really believe
in social media,

but I can show you a picture.

What is this?

It's an ad for Tim Hortons in Canada.

She's a model for them.

She gets her weight in coffee
free every month.

- That's too much coffee.
- I also love coffee.

It's important in relationships
to have shared interests.

You could learn from that, Dad.

Look, I may have relationship problems,

but at least I have a real relationship.

What are you saying?

You don't have a girlfriend.
You made her up.

No, I didn't. She's real.

She's real, huh?
Well, then, let's go see her.

You and I are going to Canada
first thing in the morning.

Peter, don't forget, you get
the flu sh*t tomorrow morning.

We're going to Canada right now.

And then, after,

you're supposed to have
your prostate exam.

Tomorrow afternoon, we go to Canada.

And then on Friday, we refill
your Percocet prescription.

Sometime next week,
we're going to Canada.

Peter, this is ridiculous.

You don't have to drive
all the way to Canada

just to prove a point.

Don't worry, Lois, he's gonna
cr*ck way before that.

Well, at least bring this thick sweater.

Canada is its only chance to get out.

ALL: Larry.

See you on the other side, boys,
and when I get there,

I'll send you a cable.

ANNOUNCER: This fall,
Pixar presents: Sweaters.

Pixar: We're not a guaranteed
home run anymore.

(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow, this short skirt is making my legs

look long and sexy.

Long legs, huh?

(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

("YANKEE DOODLE" AND SULTRY
MUSIC PLAY SIMULTANEOUSLY)

(LOIS AND MEG GRUNTING)

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Everything okay?

(CHUCKLES) Give us one sec, okay, Jamie?

What the hell are you doing?

Showing Jamie I have the sexiest

and longest legs in this house.

Oh, this is Mama's show, Meg.

What are you talking about?
You've got Dad. Jamie's mine.

Look, your dad's away, and it's
time to load up my spank bank.

All I need is one hug
with a lower-back brush

and a sniff of the neck,
and I'm good for six years.

It's not happening, old lady.

Meg, I'm warning you,
if you don't back off,

I will end you.

You wouldn't dare.

(THEME FROM TERMS OF ENDEARMENT PLAYING)

Only , meters to Canada.

You stuck to your g*ns.

No shame in admitting
there's no girlfriend now.

I'm not admitting something
that's not true.

Well, hey, because you
definitely have a girlfriend,

maybe you can tell me
how you take a bra off.

You just start blindly tugging

until they sigh and do it themselves.

Been watching your old man, huh?

Well, it sounds like you're
quite the relationship expert.

I'm sure you can tell me
what sex is like.

I could, or maybe

you could tell me what sex is like.

Oh, I could for sure tell you
exactly what sex is like.

♪ I got a brand-new pair
of roller skates ♪

♪ You got a brand-new key ♪

♪ I think that we should get together ♪

♪ And try them out, you see ♪

♪ I been looking around a while ♪

♪ You got something for me ♪

♪ Oh, I got a brand-new pair
of roller skates ♪

♪ You got a brand-new key. ♪

Jamie will be here any minute
to start on some repairs.

I don't want any more drama, Meg.

You won't get any from me.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey, there's the birthday girl.

(CHUCKLES): What?
What are you talking about?

Hi. I'm with Kassabian Sheep Shearing.

I'm here to shave Meg's back.

So, my doctor was like,
"Oh, my gosh, you're so young

you should probably
be going to a pediatrician."

A baby doctor?

Yeah, no, j-just as a joke
because, you know,

I seem so young, I think.

Hey, Mom, I'm doing a school report.

Who was president when you were born?

Uh, Dwight D. Ei... Oh, you bitch.

Clinton. Dwight D. Clinton.

I did not have sexual relations
with that woman

because I am extremely old

and have a windsock penis.

Look, I know how attached
you are to your girl,

but I for one am very curious
to see a Canadian strip club.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: Fellas,
put your mittens together for Brandi.

♪ ♪

God, just imagine when she takes off

her middle pair of socks.

Dad, what are we even doing here?

I'm in a committed relationship.

Geez, relax. I figured
maybe you'd like seeing

a real girl or two.

Real girl?

I can't believe you still won't accept

that I have a girlfriend.

It's just, it's just,
it's not adding up.

Oh, please.
Mom's way out of your league,

so why can't you get it through
your thick and huge head

that I found someone great?

Head's not that huge, and Mom
is not way out of my league.

We both have strengths
and weaknesses as people.

Shut up. You're the luckiest
guy on earth.

Mom's hot and does everything.

You're not hot and do nothing.

You know why I don't believe
you have a girlfriend?

- Why?
- Because you're a fat loser.

(GASPS)

(CRYING): I hate you.

Ah, Chris, I didn't mean... (GROANS)

Oh, no, I probably just ruined
his self-esteem forever.

ANNOUNCER:
Please welcome our next dancer,

Chris Griffin.

(SOBBING):
This is because of you, Daddy.

Come on, Chris, get in the car.

No. You called me a fat loser.

Yeah, like P-H, phat, and P-H, loser.

Okay, I didn't want to resort to this,

but I have a Mountain Dew
with limited-edition

X Games packaging in here.

You're playing dirty pool.

As a teen, I'm required
to be excited by that.

Wow, flatland skateboarder
Rodney Mullen.

(SODA FIZZES)

(SLURPS)

Ah.

As soon as I finish this bottle
and then bring it home

to put on a display shelf in my room,

I'm going back to walk on the road.

Hey, Jamie.

I just baked some cookies
when you're ready for a break.

Man, you guys are spoiling me.

Let me work on these gutters first.

♪ ♪

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTING)

(RAPID GRUNTING, YELPS)

- (GROANS)
- (SIZZLING)

I'm okay.

Oh, thank God.

- (BOTH GASP)
- Oh, my God, Jamie.

Ja...

It's out. It's out. It's very out.

(SOMBER ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

And as they say,

when God takes a handyman,

he must need a cloud fixed.

We miss you, Jamie.
Our Carhartts are broken.

Now, please join us
for an Arby's catered reception.

We ask that you leave your cups
and cigarette butts

on the ground or in attic crawl spaces

to be found years later.

I-I can't... You look so much like him.

Jamie was my twin brother.

Oh, you must be so sad.

Are you also a handyman?

No, I'm an inner thigh masseuse,

specializing in moms in their s.

(PURRS) You must need a hug.

(MOANS)

(SNIFFS)

(MOANS)

In Florida, which is where
I'm headed back to now.

Nice meeting you.

Sorry, bro. Three's
a tough number for travel.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Maybe we should try the radio.

DJ: You're listening to
Canadian Sports Talk Radio.

How a boot our teams, eh?

They're all oot there trying super hard,

and that's what matters most.

DJ : Yeah,
outstanding effort all around.

What a neat group of guys.

DJ : Great point, bud.

The players are nice, and coach
does the best he can...

Bunch of bums.

(CHRIS SNIFFLING)

(WHIMPERING)

- You okay?
- What do you care?

(TIRES SCREECH)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

I'm sorry for calling you a fat loser.

It really hurt my feelings.

Why would you do that?

Well, this is hard
for me to admit, but...

I used to be a fat loser.

What?

In high school,

I said I had a hot Canadian girlfriend

and that she was
the Vanna White of Canada.

Nobody believed me,
so I made up a game show

at an all-school assembly to prove it.

Okay, so earlier, you said
the winner of round one

- is immune from the sudden death round?
- They are.

But our handout says
the sudden death round

is part of the champions circle,

which determines the winner.

So, the round one winner
can't win the game?

Eventually, it all worked out.
I met your mom,

I Brett Kavanaugh-ed her up some stairs

and accidentally had Meg.

But high school
was a rough couple of years.

Wow, Dad, I-I had no idea.

I never told anyone that story.

I just wanted to save you
from some of the pain

and humiliation I went through.

You and I are a lot alike.

You think so?

I know so.

I sure do love you, son.

I love you, too, Dad.

♪ ♪

- This the spot?
- Looks like it.

I'm proud of you
for standing up for yourself

about your girlfriend.

I'm glad we took this trip together.

Me, too, Dad.

Hey, Dad, I just wanted to say thanks.

(SIGHS)

There's no girlfriend.

I made the whole thing up.

I guess we're both a couple
of fat losers, huh, Dad?

It's okay, buddy.

And what do you say we head home?

And on the way, we can even watch

that new Pixar movie Sweaters.

- Another home run?
- You bet it might be.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

Well, that was quite an adventure,

but I'm happy to be home.

- I'm happy you're back, too.
- Where's Dad?

Oh, he had his th high school reunion.

And then whoever has the most points

is named the "Moose with the Most."

Any questions?

Yeah, if the show
was so popular in Canada,

how come they never showed
reruns in the States?

Good question.
It was created by the CBC,

which is a pipeline to the BBC,
which ran it quite regularly,

but that preexisted BBC America,

so there was no
U. S. system in place. Next.

Yeah, say you win a trip
in the Moose Pit Challenge,

but you're unable to go
due to some previous conflict?

You have one calendar year
to take the trip.

And if you win the Cash Bash,
are you taxed on your winnings?

You have to declare the gross
amount on your taxes that year.

- Oh, sure.
- Yeah, makes sense.

Guys, I've had years to perfect this.
You're not gonna stump me.

Yeah,
you said it was the best-rated show

in Nunavut in the ' s,
but Nunavut wasn't separated

from the Northwest Territories
until .