06x09 - Homecoming

[bunniefuu]

I don't care, Darlene.

If Becky and Mark
can come home

And sit through your
father's stupid, boring,
dull th reunion

Of his stupid, boring,
god-awful football team,

Then so can you.

It'll be fun!

See ya later.

Wait a minute.

Herbs? Spices?
Measuring?

Why, this is some
kind of recipe.

Yes, I wanted
to do something special

'cause of Becky and Mark
coming home,

So i'm making this here
"Chicken Barbara Walters"

Like they got in
the tv guide this week.

[kisses]

Honey, don't get me wrong,
i'm really glad Becky and Mark

Are coming home for the reunion,
but...I'm just worried.

Things get a little tense when
they're in the house, and...

Well, the guys will see.

Oh, yeah.
Well, I can understand

Why you wouldn't want
to be embarrassed

In front of a guy who
used to eat french fries

By sucking them
through his nose.

Reunion's a big day
for me, Roseanne.

I don't get big days.

I think in my whole life,
i've had a total of three.

What's that,
when the kids were born?

Six.

I suppose one of those
is our wedding day, huh?

Okay, so I don't count
specific days!

But tomorrow's
gonna be a biggie,

And I know you're gonna
get in a fight with
Mark and wreck it.

Becky and Mark
just pulled up!

I'm not going
to fight with Mark...

Because I want Becky to come
home and visit more often.

So i'm just gonna
hold it in all weekend.

No matter what stupid thing
Mark says,

I'm just gonna ignore it.

You can do that?

You can be nice
to Mark?

Dan, whether you
realize it or not,

No, you haven't.
Well, why should I?

[Becky]...Not to speed.
I just want to get here
by dinnertime.

[Mark]
well, I didn't know they had
a dinnertime at this house.

I thought it was just
grazing hours a day.

Breathe in...

Breathe out.

Hi!

Hey!
Happy reunion, dad.

Mark! Hi!
Boy, I missed you.

Hi!

Dan, it's Mark.

Hey, good to see ya.
Same here.

Hey, Deej,
you got bigger.

I'm in puberty!
You ever heard of it?

Hey, how was your drive?

Well, we would have
got here sooner

If we hadn't stopped at
the colonel's for chicken.

So you already ate?

Well, Mark couldn't
wait anymore.

You guys didn't go
to any trouble, did you?

Oh, no, no.
Not at all.

I was hoping we could
all sit in the kitchen
and catch up.

Okay. That's a good idea.

Um, i'll just...Go out there
and clear the table.

[gasps, chuckles]

Well, while we're
waiting, why don't
we just sit here

And rest our bones
for a minute?

[loud crash from kitchen]

Okay. Table's clear.

[theme]

[laughs]

Okay, -card draw,
deuces wild.

Ante up.

Nothing that's been
bitten or sucked on.

But enough
about Jackie,
let's play poker.

So, Dan, uh...

Perry Watkins
must not be coming

Is they asked you
to make the speech.

Well, maybe they asked me
to make the speech

'cause i'm the only one
who's uniform still fits.

Yeah, and better
than ever, too, honey.

'cause remember who
you used to have to stuff it

With all them pads
and socks and everything?

Who's Perry Watkins?

He's this guy
from high school

That your dad was very
competitive with.

He's not a guy
I was competitive with.

He was guy
I was better than.

Tomorrow night,
we're gonna show him
it's still true.

Don't you worry about
nothing, pa.

Me and the youngins
gonna do you real proud.

[laughs]

I'm gonna put in our
white store buck teeth.

And nobody's gonna mention
that D.J. was born with a tail.

Dad, I wanna help make
your party really great.

Thanks, son.

At least somebody
in this family

Is sticking up
for the old man.

I brought up
all those tv trays

And arranged them
around the living room.

Then I moved around
the chairs so people have
more room to talk.

Well, isn't that handy?

Just as your
football buddies show up,

Your son has discovered
his passion for
interior decorating.

You know, Deej,
tomorrow's an important
night for mom, too,

So we're gonna let her
take all the credit
for the decorating.

Okay!

Hey, dad...

Why don't you practice
your speech on us?

Nah.
Oh, come on!

No, you don't
want to hear it.

Come on!
Nope. Nope. Nope.

All right.

I ain't much for
speechifying, you know.

Ahem.

" years ago
on this same field,

A bunch of guys
got together--"

Sit down, you bum!

"...To play a little game
we call football."

Bring on
the pom-pom broads!

Come on!

Oh, we're just being
the audience for you, you know,
to rehearse.

Cut it out.

"little did they know
they they--"

Show us your boobs!

"little did they know..."

"...That they would be
honored here today.

Now let's go kick some butt
in the second half."

[chuckles]
uh, is that it?

That's the whole speech?

Yeah.

Well, yay!

Hey, Dan...

What is that
on your forehead?

What?
Is that a pimple?

Oh, man!

Oooh, man!

Oh, man!

No, it's not
that bad, Dan.

You can hardly
notice it.

Quit staring
at my forehead.

Hey! Don't you go
fooling with that now.

It's not gonna be ready
'til Sunday,

And then it's mine!

Okay, Becky.
I'm ready to go.

I think I wanna stay here.

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

What?

I just want to spend
some time with my family.

What about my friends?
I haven't seen 'em in a year.

You should've taped it
when they were on
America's Most Wanted.

So you're just not
gonna show up now?

You go out without me
all the time, Mark.

Why should tonight
be any different?

Fine. I'll go alone.

And i'll have a better
time without you.

Um, Becky, are you okay?

I'm gonna go unpack.

Did you hear that?
He's cheatin' on her.

Cheatin' on her?

All she said was
he goes out a lot.

So where do you
suppose he goes?

He's certainly not
going out to think.

She's a married
woman now. She's got
to make her own choices.

You get in the middle
of this, it's just
gonna make it worse.

I gotta do something.
What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go pop dan's zit.

I thought you said
it wasn't ready?

Tough! I am!

Well, there's four
hours of my life
i'll never get back.

It was cool seeing all
your dad's friends again

After all these years.

Yeah, they sure have
changed a lot since
before I was born.

Hard to believe
your dad's the one
who didn't let himself go.

I think Darlene should
have to help with the party.

Gee, i'd love to, Deej, but
I gotta leave in like, an hour,

So that means I have
to go lie on my bed
and stare at the clock.

Well, we all contributed
in our own way.

What's my job
at the party?

Coats. Take them in my bedroom
and put them on the bed,

And don't go
through the pockets.

Then there was the time
nobody'd straighten out my
nose and I had to do it myself.

Talk about painful.

That's nothin', Dan.
Remember the time

I played the entire second
half of the west game

With a dislocated shoulder?
Now that's pain.

One time I went to
the hospital and they
ripped open my stomach

And they took
a human being out of me.

Welcome to the conner castle.
Make yourselves at home.

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Yes, check your
coats with D.J. here.

D.J.'s gonna be a heck
of a player someday.

Check out perry. Get a load
of that big bald head of his.

Yeah, I bet nobody
would have noticed

If he would have just worn
a great big band-aid over it.

Hey.

Did you notice that
Becky and Mark didn't
sit together at the game?

Yes, I did.

And did you notice
that I didn't say
one thing to them?

I did, and i'm very proud
of you. For once you acted
like a normal person.

Yes. A normal person.

It's all part of my plan.

What are you talking about?

What usually happens is
that Mark does something
really mean to Becky,

And then I yell at Mark, and
then instead of hating Mark,

Becky ends up hating me.

So what are you gonna do?
Nothing.

I'm just going to make sure
that she knows i'm here for her

And i'm gonna wait
for her to come to me.

And until then, I am not
going to meddle. I am not
going to get involved at all.

Mom, look! Somebody
gave me a tip.

Oh, yeah. Like all you
need is something else
to stunt your growth.

Just stop it.
All right, Becky?

Fine. Go ahead
and go, then.

Um, Becky.

Becky, I want you to know
that i'm here for you

If there's anything that
you'd like to share with me.

No, mother. There's nothing
I want to share with you.

You think I can't
run my own life?

No, this is
just something new

That i'm doing
with all the kids.

D.J., is there anything
you'd like to share with me?

Yes. I think I should get
paid for carrying the coats

Because Darlene--
yeah, yeah.
Go back to work.

You call that
acting like a normal person?

You about blew it
with Becky.
No, I did not.

I was laying the groundwork.
She knows the door is open.

Next time Mark acts like a jerk,
she'll walk right through it.

It's part of
my long-range plan.

It's possible that Becky and
Mark aren't gonna break up.

Oh, yes they will.
How do you know that?

Because it's the plan.

Mom...

If I was to leave Mark,
would you guys let me
move back in here?

Of course we would, Becky.
We have room for you.

'cause I was just asking
for the sake of discussion.

Oh, yeah. I knew that.

You are a spooky
little woman.

Great party, huh?

Yeah, there's more big,
fat, smelly people in
this house than I remember.

I get to move
back in here.

What's with
these dolls, anyways?

Mom's redecorating the room
to make it look like
we had a happy childhood.

Hey, if you and Mark were
sleeping in here last night,

How come the beds
aren't pushed together?

It's not like we have to
do it every night, Darlene.

We're not animals.

Oh, that's right.
Mark can use tools.

So, how's school?

Great. I'm constantly stressed
out, I don't get much sleep,

Sometimes I get this pain in
my right eye. Could be a tumor.

But at least i'm not
here with the hindenburgs.

I mean, there's
good stuff too, right?

I'm sure you've got some
great teachers and there's
lots of cute guys.

Becky, it's not like
you're years old.

If you want to go
to college, go to college.

Just don't go
to my college.

Can I ask you something?
Yeah. What?

Was it hard to leave David?

I mean,
did he take it bad?

Well, you know, at first.
But we worked it out.

Man, that took
a lot of guts.

Whatever.

No, seriously.

I don't think I could
do something like that.

I'm really proud of you.

Ugh.

Look, I can handle
the guilt of lying to mom,

But I can't handle you
slobbering all over me.

Um, David isn't living
with his mom in michigan.

He's living with me
in Chicago.

You gotta be kidding.

No, i'm not kidding,
so you just gotta keep
your mouth shut, okay?

Darlene, are you sure
you know what you're doing?

This is serious stuff.

Look, it's no big deal.

But you're living together.

You guys are having sex, right?

No, I force him to sleep
naked next to me every night,
yet I give him nothing.

You think that
makes me a tease?

I know that now you're
in college you think
you know everything,

But i'm just trying to give
you a little advice here.

I don't think you should let
sex totally rule your life.

That's funny. That's the exact
same speech mom gave me.

But you forgot to say,
"or you'll end up like Becky."

You know, perry,
I really should've gotten
a haircut for the party.

I have trouble
keeping up with it.

Quite a place
you have here, Dan.

I can see why the hair
means a lot to you.

You know, perry, when you
have a family, you put
things in perspective.

Hey, D.J. the old man's
over here.

You never started
a family, did you, Perry?

No. Funny thing about
-year-old girls these days.

They're just not
looking for a commitment.

Well, when you're alone
you have the time to read
all about that kind of stuff.

Hey, son!

Do you know what
Darlene just said to me?

This is our youngest, D.J.

He loves his big sister,
Darlene, don't you, son.

Now what did
big sis' say to you?
[mouthing words]

She misses me.

[mouthing words]

And she loves me.

Attaboy.

Now you go run and help your
mom in the kitchen, tiger.

Hey, Deej!
[sh**ting sounds]

[barely audible]

Wow. Let's see what else we
have in the old memory box here.

Regional champs, !

Whoo!

Yay! I thought we lost to
lakeside in the regionals.

Yeah, we did, but we won
the fight in the parking
lot afterward.

Ah! Here's a little
something of interest

To the happily married
couple, Jim and Sarah.

A list that Jim wrote
junior year of all
the scores he made.

Off the field.

Whoa!
Whoa!

Wow. Yeah.
Dan, your name is on there.

And who can forget old Charlie.
Our spiritual leader.

Who in order to inspire us,
shaved off all the hair he
hadn't cut in three years.

Boy, Perry. That must
hurt just looking at all that.

And here's a little
souvenir of Dan and
Roseanne's first date.

Come on, Rosie.
You had to know about this.

Everybody else
at school did!

Wait a minute.
Those aren't even mine.

Who wants a brewski.

Hey, Dan. These better
be your underwear or you're
in a hell of a lot of trouble.

I stole 'em from my mom.
Please don't tell her.

Dan, we didn't have sex
until our second date.

You ruined my reputation!

Honey, please, please act
like we're making up in here.

Oh, yeah, honey.
I've been a bad boy!

I'm the worst.
I'm the worst.
I'm scum.

Please, i'll give you
anything you want

If you just walk
back in there and act

Like we have a nice,
happy marriage.

Fine. Then it will be
two more hours of my
usual sweetness and light...

And then you are gonna
owe me bigger than you
have ever owed me.

Oh, thank you,
thank you.

Yeah, I guess ol' Rosie
doesn't want anybody but
danny to see her undies.

I'm a lucky man.

You are a lucky man.

[Mark]
don't walk
away from me!

Go to hell.

Shut up, already.
I'm sick of your mouth.

I can't believe
I married you.

They're very active
in community theater.

Becky, what the hell
are you doing?

You sit in there screaming
in the living room,

Embarrassing your dad
in front of all these stupid
idiots he's trying to impress.

[Dan]
could you shut
that door, please?

Show 'em your zit!

I hate Mark! Why did
you ever let me marry him?

You know, it was kind of
hard to cancel after I sent
out invitations

And booked the country club.

What am I gonna do, mom?

Well, Becky, help me to help
you make the right decision.

Tell me all the rotten
stuff he does to you.

He's been in a bad mood ever
since he lost his job.

We don't talk anymore.

Unless we're
fighting about money.

So I went out and got
a job and he got mad
at me for quitting school.

He did?
Yeah.

You know that great apartment
I was telling you about?

It's a dump.

Yeah, and I suppose he leaves
you alone all the time.

Probably going out with
his friends, drinking,

Getting in fights
and that type of thing, huh?

No, he and his friends
are always restoring

This old car that
no one's ever gonna buy.

You mean he's working?

But I never get to see him.

Marriage sucks.

Well, Becky, i'm still
waiting to hear the bad stuff.

Tell me that he cheats
on you or he beats
you up or something.

I got nothing here.

Mark would never do that.

Did he ever show your
underwear to his friends?

I just wish that we weren't
married and we could go
back to the way we used to be.

When I lived here.

Okay, so you want
to get a divorce
so that you can date him.

It doesn't work
like that, Becky.

I should've known
you wouldn't get it.

No, I totally get it.
Mark is out there

Working his butt off
to save money

So that his immature brat of
a wife can go back to school.

Why are you getting so mad?

Because you are
making me defend Mark.

So just tell me.

I suppose you
still love him.

Yes.

And he loves you.

What a day i'm having.

But it doesn't help.
We still fight all the time.

Well, why don't we just
bottom the whole rest
of this day out, okay?

Why don't you and Mark
just move in here till
you get on your feet?

God, I don't know.

I'm scared if we move back
in here, we'll never leave.

No, trust me. I will
make sure that never happens.

I guess I could try
to convince Mark, but he's
gonna be really unhappy here.

Oh, well at least there's
something in it for me.

Thanks, mom.

Are you gonna have to
check with dad about this?

No, Becky.

I'm not going to have
to check with your dad

About anything for
a very, very long time.

[bewitched theme]

I cannot believe that
they replaced that Darren.

Well, it was a hit show.

They knew they could
get away with anything.

[sighing]
well, I like the second
Darren much better.