06x12 - White Trash Christmas

All episode transcripts for the TV show "Roseanne". Aired: October 18, 1988 - May 20, 1997.*
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Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.
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06x12 - White Trash Christmas

Post by bunniefuu »

[blues harmonica]

D.J.! Get down here!
Your grandma's gonna
be here

To pick you up any second!

[A.J.] I have homework!

You can do it
in the car!

I'm sick!

You can do that
in the car, too!

I don't wanna go
to the ballet!
Ballets are for girls.

[laughing] D.J.!
Ballets aren't just
for girls. They're fun.

And you know, you just
might learn somethin'.

[scoffs] please...
[laughs]

Yeah, he's gonna learn how
to mince around in public,
wearing tights.

Why the ballet?

'cause we get rid of him
for two days, you know?

And if he comes back
with certain awakenings,

Well, we had
the weekend.

Morning.
[deliberate mumbling]

Where'd you hide
becky's present?

In the cereal.
What if she eats it?

Dan, other people look
at their food first.

What you doin',
Becky?

Lookin' for a job.

Oh. Well, in that case,
you'll need some cereal.

I'll get it.
Thanks. I'm not
that hungry.

You're gonna need your
strength, you're gonna be
out there lookin' for work.

Right. I guess i'll have
some toast or somethin'.

What's the matter?
You too good for cereal,
all of a sudden?

Fine! I'll have cereal.

Oh my god. What's
this check for?

That's enough for
a full semester at
the community college.

Assuming none of your
classes require books.

Can you guys afford this?

Well, funniest thing
happened, the other day.

I was out sh**t'
at some food,

When up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude.

And I circled some of
the courses that you
might be interested in,

Particularly this "classics
of your world literature,"
there,

So you can understand
what me and your daddy's
talkin' about

Around the dinner table.

Man, you guys,
this is so great!

I gotta go tell Mark.
Hm.

Yeah, we're gonna have
a lot of explainin' to do

At the next white
trash luncheon.

chicago, chicago

the gay grandma's town

Mom, she's singing!

Hello, everybody!

I was thinking.

Since d.J. Are I are gonna
spend a weekend in chicago,

Wouldn't it be wonderful
if we dropped in on
Darlene?

[gasps]
mom!

Aw, Darlene
and the ballet!

Christmas has come early

For a certain little
boy I know!

Ha ha! No.
Tomorrow night,
don't wait up!

We won't be back
until after !

Oh, bev. You'll be
back before that.

It's only a
two-four drive.

is the speed
limit, Dan. The limit!

It doesn't mean you
have to go that fast.

Okay.

Meanest mom alive!

Hey, mom! Just last week,
D.J. was askin' me about
big band leaders.

Well, that is lucky!
I have the whole

K-tel fabulous 's
collection in the car!

Get ready to swing!

You gonna tell Darlene
they're comin'?

No. I want her
to be there.

Oh, what have we here?

What's that?
Yuletide greetings,
Delaware st. dwellers!

From the neighborhood
association.

Oh, them "mow your lawn"
people?

This holiday season,
we're asking everyone

To restrict their
decorations to simple

White lights, in order
to avoid eyesores

Such as last year's
faded plastic santas

And -legged reindeer.

Well, what are we
supposed to do with him?
sh**t him?

They've singled us
out, honey.

We're the tackiest house
in the whole neighborhood.

Well... [sighs]

This year, I say...

...We go for
the national title.

[blues]

[laughing]

[David] this really
sucks, Darlene.

I'll stay here alone,
on christmas,

In this room, with
no one to talk to.

Well, why don't you just
come home with me?

Right. Like your mom's gonna
believe I left my mom
for christmas.

I left mine for thanksgiving.

Yeah, but you're a bad
daughter. I'm a good son.

Well, fine. Then stay.

Well, i'm gonna
have to eat.

Which means i'll have
to spend that money
we've been saving.

dollars? No way!

My mom never spent that
much money on food,
my whole life!

Never mind.

[knocking on door]

Who is it?

[Bev] D.J.'s in town
to see The Nutcracker,

And he brought you
a singing granda-gram!

Move! Move! Oh my god!

[Bev]
your grandmother and D.J.
are at your door

your grandmother and D.J.
are at your d-

Ah, surprise!

We're here for the weekend.
Ha ha ha...

And you're staying-
here?

Oh, don't be silly!

We're staying
at Aunt Shirley's!

Oh, it's so great
to see you.

This place smells like feet.

So! This is how the artsy
kids are living today.

My... [chuckles]

You know, i'm taking
a ceramics class.

We have a lot
in common.

I gotta go to
the bathroom.

No.

Well, now, Darlene.
Just let the boy go.

Holding it too long
could harm his ability
to have children.

Ah, look at this place.
It's- so charming. [chuckles]

And, uh- how binding
is your lease?

Uh, grandma. I really
like it here.

Of course you do, dear.

Filth is fun
when you're young.

Come on, D.J.!

Darlene, we'll pick you up
at noon tomorrow.

I've bought you a ticket
to The Nutcracker.

They have dancing mice.

Oh, well, gee, grandma.
I have those here.

Hi, D.J.

Hi, Darlene.

Grandma, can we
go shopping?

I thought you didn't
want to shop!

I changed my mind.
I wanna spend my money.

All dollars of it.

dollars? My!
Where did you get that?

I earned it.

And i've got not ,
not ,

But wise men.

That ain't a wise man.
That's gumby.

Well, we'll just use some
myrrh to level out his head,

And no one will know
the difference.

Great idea. And then we can
have the blessed virgin

Ride into Bethlehem
on pokey.

Two mangers!

Well! Dueling saviors!

Hah-hoo!

And that's not all.

Ta-daa!

Liberace.

Because there was no room
at the desert inn.

Thank you. Thank you
very much. Thank you.

Well, you did pretty
good, Dan.

But, uh, i'm afraid
all of your stuff

Pales, in comparison
to my find.

You see, pancho's
went out of business.

Behold! The goddess
of tacky.

Hey, i'll see you after
I pick up the application, okay?

Oh, by the way,
thanks for the money.

That was uh-
really cool of you guys.

Where's he goin'?

Welp, Mark and I
talked things over,

And we decided
the best way
to use the money

Would be to send Mark
to school.

Hey, you- wait a minute!

That's supposed to be
Becky money, not Mark money.

Well, there's this new
course at the tech school,
on how to run a garage.

In months, he'll be able
to get a good job,
and pay for my college.

Wake up, Becky! In months,
you couldn't teach him

To pull his hand
off a hot burner.

Dad? Wouldn't you rather
pay for months
of his college

Than years of mine?

You know, that does-

Dan! We worked hard
for that money!

That coulda been our
dream vacation.

Dollywood and twitty city.

Dad!
Dan...

Daddy!
Danny...

[moaning roar]

Boy, do I have no
opinion about this.

Well, dapper Dan,
you have to pick a side.

A side, Roseanne?

Well, my side!

Mom! You can't
do that!

Well, what if, uh-
when he gets out,

Mark doesn't get a job?
Okay?

What if they are only
hiring women and minorities,

Or people that aren't
distracted by shiny objects?

This is what's
right for us.
No. I don't think it is.

I think it's a mistake,
and i'm not gonna let you
do it with my money.

[sighs] okay.
Fine, then!

We don't need you
or your stupid money.

From now on, we're gonna
do everything all by
ourselves.

We're gonna pay for
our own food, rent...
Everything!

[sighs] oh, well,
that really hurts.

Hey! If you really
wanna k*ll us,

Why don't you just go out
and buy us a car?

Say somethin', Dan!

I'm pretty sure that
Mrs. Puente is the head

Of the neighborhood
association that sent
us this nice letter.

I think we'll plug in
over at her house
this year.

What a lovely afternoon!
You know, I never feel like

It's christmas till
I see The Nutcracker.

Oh. That was the longest
hours of my life.

I never thought i'd long
for the ice capades.

Well, D.J. we should
really be getting back
to Lanford.

You say goodbye
to your sister while
I powder my nose.

Well, this should
be an experience.

D.J., I bought you your
video games yesterday.

Now we're even. You keep
your mouth shut about
David, or you die.

Okay.

Why's David here,
anyway?

Because he couldn't stand
your smell, either.

No. Really.
Why is he here?

Because we wanted
to be together.

Why?

Because we do.

When you have a
girlfriend someday,

Or a really good
blow-up doll,
you'll understand.

Do you guys have sex?

[half-laughs] that is
not for you to know.

I'll tell mom about David.

Oh, all right, D.J.

I'm gonna level with you,
and talk to you like
you're an adult.

No. David and I
are not having sex.

They told us at school.

If you don't want a baby,
you'd better use birth control.

No. No. This conversation
is not happening.

So do you use
birth control?

Yes, D.J. we keep
a picture of you
right next to the bed.

You're not ever coming
home again, are you?

You should be so lucky.

It's all different now.

What is?

Everything.

Becky just cares
about Mark.

You're gone.

Well, gee, Deej. I never
thought you'd actually
miss me.

You want me to, like,
sit on your head
or somethin'?

Mm, no. Maybe later.

Got a girl job, here.
I need someone to untangle

These christmas lights.

Lookit, they marked
all their stuff.

Healy cheese.
Healy jelly.

And healy pudding treats.
Can you believe that?

No. When did they start
makin' chocolate mint?

And then she did their
laundry this morning.

Look what I found on top
of the washing machine.

healy quarters.
What do you say to that?

[sets down quarters]
great.

I'm gonna buy me
a puddin'.

Dan, you have got to
talk Mark out of goin'
to that school.

I can't do that.

Yes, you can.
You just talk real slow.

No. I'm busy untangli''
these lights.

[snips] there.
They're untangled.

Hi, dad.

Oh, quit suckin' up.

He's not gonna
take a side.

So where have
you been?

I got a job at
a restaurant.

Startin' training
today.

What?

Buns?

It's my waitress uniform!

You're workin' at
that buns place?

Hmm. Well, I don't know
about you, Dan.

But I have absolutely
no opinion on this at all.

Does you husband
know what you're doin'?

Yes.
Unbelievable.

This isn't gonna
happen, Becky.

I am old enough
to do what I want.

And I want to send
my husband to school.

As long as you are living
under my roof,

You are not workin' there.

Yeah. Your dad
is right.

And we're gonna give her
back the check, so Mark
can go to school.

Your dad's an idiot.

Roseanne, you wanted me
to take a side?

My little girl is not
going to work dressed
like that.

I am not a little girl!

Why can't either of you
take me seriously?

Because you've got
words on your butt.

Now go change
your clothes.

[heavy sigh]

So what? Now you just
wanna give Mark the money?

No, Roseanne. Believe it
or not, i'm not too thrilled
with the guy right now.

But i've seen what goes
on in that place,

And I don't want my daughter
to have anything to do
with it.

[heavy sigh]

You've been inside
that place?


Ugh. [snorts] yeah.
I heard the food
was good, and...

...You know,
brand new,
and they...

...Coupon...Hey!
Mark's the bad guy here!

I got work to do!

[deep breath]

Hey, can you staple
this down there?

Sure, sure.
Thanks.

[staples, hard]
watch it!

Oh, is that your foot?
Yeah!

Sorry.
[slams stapler]

What are ya doin'
that for?

I did that 'cause
get a damn job.
[staples hard]

Hey, i'm tryin', here.

Yeah. Sure, you are.

Why should you, when you can
have your wife go out there

And shake her money-maker?
I can't believe you let her
work there.

What do you mean, let her?
I don't make my wife's
decisions.

She's got some
rights in this marraige.

Oh, that is just beautiful.

Yeah, well. I didn't
really buy it, either.

It sounded better
when Becky said it.

And of course,
she was screaming.

So you're against her
having this job?

Yeah, I was against it!

Forbid her.
You forbid her?

Oh, man. That can't
have been good!
[laughing]

Yeah. Then she started
yelling, you know.

"just because you married
me, doesn't mean you own me.

"i'm an adult, and- "

And she'll do what
she damn well pleases.

How'd you know?
[laughs]

[sighs]

I remember everything
about my wedding night.

Man, is it always gonna
be like this?

Nah. No, because eventually,

Like water to a man
crossing the desert,

Comes sweet,
sweet death.

Huh?
Never mind.

You see, Mark,

In a marraige, there's
things that can happen.

First, there's your
win/lose situation.

That's where you get
what you want,

And she has to sacrifice.

Okay.
That one's mostly
theoretical.

The second one, there's
the lose/win situation.

That's where she gets
what she wants,

And you lose it.
Much more common.

Then finally, and as long
as you'll be livin' under
this roof,

There's the win/win
situation.

That's where Becky gets
what she wants,

And Roseanne gets
what she wants.

Where do you want this?
Mark?

Uh, where does mrs.
Conner want this?

Now you're talkin'
like a man.

So, like you've been dealin'
with this stuff for years?

I mean, how do you
do it?

Well, Mark...
[sighs]

After a while, husbands
go to places they can
call their own.

You know, guy places
like the garage.
The basement.

The roof.
Bingo.

Yeah, I come up here
all the time and fix
these damn loose shingles.

Yah!

See, now?

This baby will keep me
all of next week.

[shingle hits ground]

And the beauty part is,

The women send us up here
without knowin' we life it.

You know, Dan, i'm real,
uh, glad we got to talk
like this. You know?

I'm really feelin'
better about things,
and-

Think i'm learni''
something.
[opens beer]

See? Now I bet you thought
I was payin' attention.

[laughs]
tomorrow, i'll show
you how to do that.

[clink beers]

You're gonna give her
the check, Roseanne.

You might as well admit
she b*at ya.

She did not b*at me.

None of my kids has
ever b*at me,

Ever since I became
a mother.

I am undefeated.

And that is in
different weight classes.

How about when Becky
was , and she gave you
the silent treatment

Till you got her
the barbie collection?

I didn't get her that
barbie collection.
That was santa claus.

So what's it taste like?

What?
The beer. I been
pregnant for so long.

Describe it to me.
Mmm...

You aren't missing
nothing.

[burps]

Hoo! That hits the spot.

Becky?

[sighs] here ya go.

[Jackie] mm-hm.
Told you so, Roseanne.

Not from me.
It's from santy claus.

Even if we're gonna
use it to send
Mark to school?

Doesn't matter, as long
as you quit that horrible
job of yours.

I am not quitting the job!

Oh, Becky. Come on.
You won.

Don't kick your mom
while she's down.

I didn't take the job
to bother mom.

Ha! What, that's just
one of the perks?

Including tips, I get
bucks an hour.

bucks an hour.

Wow, maybe I should
sashay down there

And pull one of them
outfits up over
my fat ass.

Come on, mom.

No! Hey! If you
dignity's for sale,

Why shouldn't mine be?

Oh, please.

If this family had any
dignity, there wouldn't be
a row of elves

On the front lawn,
mooning the angel gabriel.

Hey. We are not
degrading ourselves
for tips.

We are degrading ourselves
for the sheer holiday
joy of it.

But you know, Roseanne.
This money could help

Her and Mark get out of here.
Start a life of their own.

Jackie, she hasn't
even thought this
through all the way.

I mean, you might be
feelin' real good
about makin' big money.

But when you come home
at night, you're gonna
feel like trash.

I'll feel like i'm helping
my family get back on
its feet.

[sighs] well, what if it
doesn't work out that way?

I mean, you don't really
know what's gonna happen
between you and Mark.

[sighs] you still
don't get it.

Mark is not my boyfriend.
He's my husband!

That means forever!

[sighs] she's a married
woman, Roseanne!
[sighs heavily]

Becky, come back here.

Now you're doin'
the right thing.
[sighs]

What?

Here. C'mon.

Do you mean it?

Yes. I do mean it.

I will, uh-

Try to accept
your marriage,

And your new career
as a prost*tute.

Thanks.

[loud thudding]

Every damn year.

Mom, they're actually workin'
pretty hard up there.

Workin'?
Heh heh heh.

Don't kid yourself.
They like it up there.
[clears throat]

Dan finally found himself
a little playmate

That knows all about, uh-

Double-socket wrench,
uh, thingers.
[laughing]

The two of them really
have a lot in common.

You know, it's like...
[laughing]

It's like the two of you
married the same guy.

Where are you goin'?

Get the hard liquor.

Roseanne. Your christmas
decorations outside
are appalling.

The wise men are
supposed to be adoring
the baby Jesus,

Not leering at
Mrs. Claus.

Well, of course they're
leerin' at her.

She's wearin' one of
those buns outfits.

And what on earth
are those shepherds
doing to the flock?

Praising them.

Well, it's time to turn on
our simple white lights.

Mother harris,
won't you join us?

[light switch turns]

[Bev]
what is santa claus doing?

[Roseanne] well, he's just
tellin' the whole neighborhood

That christmas is
number one.

Hit that music, Dan!

["jingle bells",
sung by barking dogs]
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