06x14 - Busted

All episode transcripts for the TV show "Roseanne". Aired: October 18, 1988 - May 20, 1997.*
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Explore life, death and everything in between through the relatable, hilarious and brutally honest lens of the working-class Conner household.
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06x14 - Busted

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey.

I know you thought
your allowance

Wasn't gonna get us
through this month,

But I brought dinner.

It's amazing how well you
can eat off loose change.

Wow. Ding dongs
and ho ho's.

We'd better use
the floral toilet paper
tonight for napkins.

I'm sorry. The "steak"
button was stuck.

I'm just in a really
crappy mood right now.

I just talked to my mom and
I had to lie to her again.

I'm getting so sick of it.

I know what you're saying.
You don't want me here.

Yes, David, that's exactly
what i'm saying, word for word.

Thank you for listening.

You don't act like
you want me here.

You're always
in a bad mood,

I'm beginning to feel
like i'm in the way.

You're not in the way,
all right?

I couldn't possibly be more
thrilled that you're here

All day long, no matter
what time it is

Doing absolutely nothing.
I love that.

You know, I get
in bad moods, too,
but I hold back.

This is me holding back.
If I wasn't holding back,

The better part of your
face would be under my
fingernails by now.

You know, the only reason
that I don't do anything

Is because you're never
around to do it with.

Oh, i'm sorry I have
a life, David.

I'm sorry I have friends.

I'm sorry i'm not a pathetic
zombie like you are.

I do not accept
your apology.

This whole living together
thing just sucks.

I'm not eating that garbage
another night. I'm going out.

Fine. Go!

Just let me get
my jacket first.

[loud heavy metal]

[knock on door]

Excuse me.

Hey! Excuse me!

Is Mark here?

He's taking a nap.

[stereo off]

Quadraphonic reel-to-reel.

What kind of system
do you have now?

Clock radio.

It's a nice one.
Got two alarms.

So how's Mark been doing
the last couple of days?

Why? What happened?

He left his wife.

Oh, that's probably
why he moved in here.

My guess is you and Mark
used to study together.

Mark left his wife?

That's gotta--
I don't know--suck.

Well they've been
together quite a while

And I can't imagine him
being too happy living here.

Whoa...

Great tv.

I didn't know
there was a game on.

I got a satellite dish.
There's always a game on.

Oh, man.

So you think Mark's in
a lot of pain or something?

Well, the man hasn't
seen his wife in two days,

My guess is,
he's going through hell.

You've got a refrigerator
in the living room?

That's brilliant.

You want something?

Can I get it myself?

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing here?

Uh, I thought we should
talk about Becky.

Uh, forget it.

Look, Mark, I know these
problems seem huge at first,

But if you just call her...

I mean, Roseanne and I have
had plenty of fights.

I remember this one fight
we had when I wanted
the satellite dish.

We said everything already.

Not good enough.

My daughter's
hurtin' here.

Did she send you down
to talk to me?

No, this is my idea.

I got nothing
to say to her.

Come on, Mark.
Forget the pride thing.

Just come home
and see Becky.

Becky doesn't wanna see me, Dan.
I flunked out of trade school.

She's not thinking
about that right now.

She's been miserable for
the last two days without you.

No, she hasn't.

She's hurtin' every bit
as bad as you are.

Two remotes?

Cool.

Look, i'm not
coming back, Dan.

Besides, I know Mrs. Conner's
real glad that i'm gone.

She's probably waiting with
a shotgun in case I come back.

Mark, please,
that thing isn't loaded.

Sorry.

Oh, man.

I can't go back
and tell my wife I failed.

Wanna order a pizza?

Number
on the speed dial.

Excellent!

So. Did anybody call?

No, Roseanne.
Mark hasn't called.

See, that just proves
what a jerk he is.

He's been gone
for three whole days

And he doesn't even
call her to apologize.

Come on, Roseanne.

That kind of thing isn't
easy for a guy like Mark.

He could get somebody
to dial the phone for him.

Hi, dad.
Hey, Beck.

So, Becky, do you
want some donuts?

I got tons of 'em.

This car hit the bloodmobile
and there were donuts
everywhere...

It was just awful.
I got all kinds here.

I got the chocolate
twisty kind,

Lemon squirty kind, and
the ones that look like feet.

No.

I got half a plain
one over here.

Okay. Thanks, dad.
Cheer up, honey.

You suck!

What?

Using my own damn
donuts against me.

What am I
supposed to do?

She's hurtin' because
her husband's gone.

If you really want
to be a good dad,

Why don't you tell her
how lucky she is that that
creep walked out on her now

Instead of years from now
when she has a ton
of his creepy little kids.

I don't want
to be a good dad.

I wanna be a popular dad.

Hi, guys.

Is Roseanne doing
any better?

A little.

She's out of her coma now
and can understand words.

Yeah, she's doing
a little better.

I'm fine. It's Dan the one
that should feel lousy.

It's all his fault.

How is this my fault!

Ha! Because Mark
is a butthead

And girls always
marry their fathers.

You know,
from talking to Mark,

It didn't sound
like it was my fault.

He's afraid to come
home because of you.

Me? Did you tell him
how stupid that was?

Did you defend me?

I was there to listen.

I think Mark has a point.
You weren't very nice to him.

What are you talking about?
I was a total saint.

You made constant fun
of him, called him names,

Put him down,
hid his keys.

Once I hid his keys
and that was a joke.

He never found 'em!

Well, you laughed.

I'm trying
to be the bad guy.

You're not the bad guy.
She's not mad at you,

She's just mad
at the world.

How come she only
takes it out on me, then?

Why doesn't she go get
a job at the post office?

Hey, Jackie.
Hi, Beck.

Becky, you really should
eat more than half a donut.

I'm fine, mother.

A lot of good
ones in here.

Thanks, Jackie.

I don't care what the two
of you say, I don't think

She's acting like
a great big spoiled brat.

[raspberry]

[raspberry]

[knock on door]

Come in.

Um, i'm looking
for Mark healy.

He's out. He'll be
back in a minute.

Oh, okay.
Well, um...

I'm Roseanne,
Dan's wife.

I think he was over here
to play earlier.
Sure.

I'm royal.
You can call me Roy or Al.

Well, I think i'll pick...

Roy.

Most chicks do.

Well, this may just be
a s*ab in the dark, Roy,

But i'm bettin' that
you're not married.

Yeah. How'd you know?

Well, because when
I was younger and single,

Every single guy
I dated that didn't
live at home lived here.

As a matter of fact, I think
this is Dan's old couch.

You wanna sit down?

Yeah, thanks.

Is there some place that
I could boil this first?

That's just beer.
It's gotta be dry by now.

You want something
to drink?

Yeah, thanks.
I think a big tumbler

Of penicillin would really
hit the spot right now.

Hey, is that
a soap opera?

Yeah, with a satellite
dish we get shows from
all over the world.

This one's called
"dos mujeres, un camino."

[Roseanne]
so that's what happened
to that guy from Chips."

He's way better in this.

Hey, Beavis.
Butthead's home.

What are you
doing here?

Oh, I just came by
to clear up some stuff.

We got nothing
to talk about.

Oh, but i'm afraid
we do, Mark.

You see, i'm really sick and
tired of everybody thinking

That i'm some evil woman
that broke up your marriage.

I am not an evil woman.

And I believe Roy
can back me up on that.

She seems
pretty cool to me.

Roy, get outta here.

You're gonna have to
go and talk to Becky.

I already told Mr. Conner
I can't do that.

You're gonna have to,
because she's gonna have to know

That you left because
of you and not because of me.

This whole thing
is your fault.

Yeah, I know.

So what do you mean by that?

You were right about me.
I screwed everything up.

Yeah. Yeah, you did.

And you shouldn't have taken
our money to go to school

When you weren't prepared to
go all the way through with it.

What do you want me to say?

I know the school thing
wasn't right for me.

I mean, i'm not
a real smart guy.

Well, if you say so, Mark.

I fix cars, bikes,
things like that.

I'm not like Becky.

She's the one that should
be going to school here.

Then so why did you go?

Because she made me.
It was all her idea.

I just want to get a job
and take care of Becky,

But I didn't even have
the brains to do that.

God, would you stop
calling yourself stupid?

You're gonna wreck it
for everybody else.

I'm just trying
to be honest.

Becky deserved someone
other than a total loser.

Oh, now, Mark. Come on.

You were the only one
that was smart enough to know

That you were gonna
flunk out of school.

That's something. Huh?

Thanks.

Okay, I guess you're
not the only one to blame
for this whole mess.

Maybe I shouldn't have pushed
Becky to push you so hard.

There.

Are you guys okay?
'cause spanish jeopardy is
gonna be on in a few minutes.

Yeah, we're cool.

So does this mean you're gonna
get back together with Darlene?

God, you're looking smarter
every second, Mark.

I'm not married to Darlene,
i'm married to Becky.

Oh, then darlene's
the one that lives with
your brother in Chicago?

What?

He didn't mean that.
He didn't mean Darlene.

He meant, uh, D.J. Yeah.

David is in Chicago?

So how long have they
been living together?

What the hell
am I asking you for?

He's been up there
ever since he left you.

I can't believe that
they would do this to me!

Wait, wait.


Let's just go up to Chicago.

Why do you wanna
take me to Chicago?

[sighing]
I don't know.
I'm just trying to help.

What makes you think I want
to sit in a car with you
for an hour and a half?

'cause I got $ gas money.

Let's go.

Hey, Deej.
How was the hockey game?

Dull. I didn't split
anybody's lip or anything.

The important is, you tried.
Now go shower up.

Do I have to?

You're darn close to having
to take a bath in tomato juice.

Hey, kiddo.

I don't know
where your mom's at.

Looks like dad's
making dinner.

I was just gonna
have something simple.

Something simple?
I won't have it!

I'm making grilled cheese!

So, any word from
what's-his-face today?

No. New subject, please.

Fine, fine.
We're not talking about it.

My marriage is
falling apart, dad.

Mark doesn't even care.

I'm sure he cares.

It's just--

His pride is hurting.

Well, I bet he's sitting
around some pig sty

Surrounded by empty beer
cans and pizza boxes.

I bet he's just lovin' it.

No, I don't think he's
been married long enough

To really,
truly appreciate it.

I'm never gonna
forgive mom for this.

Becky, your mom's not what's
keeping you guys apart.

Well, mom's the reason
that Mark went back to school

And flunked, and now he's
never gonna face me again.

Why don't you
just go to him?

I can't.
Why, is he right?

Are you ashamed of him?

No.

It's just so weird
I could fall in love

With someone who could
flunk out of trade school.

Becky, if your
husband flunked,

You gotta figure out
how much that bothers you.

It bothers me.

If that's the way you feel,
maybe it's good he's gone.

No, it's not.

Mark doesn't need someone
looking down on him

For the rest of his life.

Now that's a diet margarine,
you gotta double up on that.

After a real big fight,
did mom ever come to you

And say that she was
completely wrong and that
it was all her fault?

When you've been married
as long as your mom and me,

It's not necessary
to apologize.

Apparently.

Oh, we'd better hurry.
I just know there's
something on tv

You haven't seen
three times.

Shut up, Darlene.

You're not the only one
that's unhappy here.

At least you're not living
with the meanest person alive.

Screw you.

You know what?
You are truly horrible.

You know that? I don't
even love you anymore.

You don't have anything
to say to that, do you?

Just get out of my way.

Hi, David.

I found this pen.
Is it yours?

Uh, no.

Oh, okay. Well,
i'll be goin', then.

Oh, wait a minute.

I forgot to shred
the crap out of you two.

Mom--
no, you're not talking.

You're not talking
for a very long time.

And you better sit down,
because this is gonna
take a while.

Hey, davo.
Hey, Mark.

Wow. You thought you had it
all figured out, didn't you?

You thought you were
gonna live together and
be the happy little couple

And your parents were just too
stupid to find out about it.

You lied to me
about christmas,

You lied to me
about thanksgiving.

I wanted to come home
for thanksgiving.

I didn't keep you here.
Oh, yeah. Right.

Stop trying to put
the blame on me.

You did what you wanted
to do like always.

What do you expect
from me, David?

I am the meanest
person alive, remember?

Hey, both of you. Me.

I'm the one you're
listening to, okay?

I'm the one that
you lied to and betrayed
over and over and over.

I didn't want to.

I'm sorry if
I made you lie.

Don't touch me.
God, Darlene, can't I do
anything right?

Hello! There's a shredding
going on here

And I came a very
long way to do this.

I don't want any argument
from you, Darlene.

David, you're coming
home with me right now.
Come on, let's go.

End of story.

Good. You're doing
me a favor.

No, i'm not doing
you a favor.

You're not enjoying this.

This is something very painful
that i'm doing to you.

Okay, I got it.

You have no idea how many
phone calls, discussions,

Weekends at home
and lectures it's gonna take

Before you and me
are square again.

All right,
i'm sorry, mom.

David, I threw
all your stuff outside.

So you guys get the suitcases
and you grab a flashlight

And we'll go see
what we can find.

So, how's it goin'?
Okay.

Plus all the laundry,
plus the dishes,

Plus giving birth and every
other chore I hate to do
around this house.

Were the hell have you been?

And what are you doing here?

And what are
you doing with them?

And--that's it.
I'm out of questions.

Let me get the rest
of your stuff.

Dan, i'd like to talk
to you in the other room.

Oh, god. Changing rooms.
This can't be good.

Well, okay. I got this call
from David today

And him and his mother are
not getting along at all,

So he calls me from
this bus station in rockford.

Oh, man. We were
afraid of this.

Poor kid. Is he okay?

Yeah, he's fine.
He just needs to
be here for a while.

I gotta hand it to you.

You had a feeling
this was gonna happen.

Nothing gets by me.

David.
Yes, sir?

Um, look.

I'm sorry.
I really am.

I'm glad you're back.

We missed you.

I told him
and he went insane.

Oh, god.
Nah.

I didn't tell him.

If you're gonna have
a fighting chance with him,

You're gonna need
me on your side,

And for that, i'm going
to need plenty of sleep.

Thank you.

Of course, you know...

I have been known
to talk in my sleep.

Sometimes,
Dan walks in his sleep.

But rest well, David.

Well, I guess i'll,
uh, get going too.

Well, don't you
wanna talk to Becky?

Nah, she's probably asleep.

She's probably
not asleep.

Becky! Come down here!

Look, I don't know
if I can see her right now.

I mean, how do I look?

Like every
mother's nightmare.

She'll love you.

Look who dropped in.

And, um, I think he wants
to talk to you, don't you, Mark?

Yeah.

And i'm sure that you
would really love to listen.

And this just happens to be
a really good listening spot.

This is where Dan sits
and does most of his listening.

You wanna?
Yeah.

Are you coming to bed?
Shh, shh, shh.

What?

Are they talking?

Yeah, and maybe
if Mark doesn't say too much,
they can patch things up.

Damn.

What, I thought you wanted
them to get back together.

Oh, I do, I just...

Don't have any excuse
to go over to Roy's now.

[speaking in spanish]

[speaking in spanish]
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