06x19 - Labor Day

[bunniefuu]

[snoring]

Roseanne.

Roseanne, wake up.

Jackie,
is it time?

Dan, it's time.
Get the keys.

I'm looking,
i'm looking.

No, i'm not having
the baby yet.

No, I--come here.

Dan, i'm having that dream
where I k*ll Jackie again.

I got to tell you
something important.

Okay, I found 'em.
Let's go.

Well? What is it?

Well, I just
wanted to tell you

That i've been
thinking about it,

And i've come
to the conclusion

That it's
never coming out.

Never.

I'm gonna be
a -year-old woman

Carrying
a -year-old baby.

Jackie, you're only
three days overdue.

I have a -day-old child
inside of me!

Look at me!

It's huge!

Yes, but you have
a very pretty face.

[sobbing]

Eww! Look!

What is that?

How come
it's like that?

How, Roseanne?

How is this gonna
come out of this?

Relax, Jackie.
These have been
coming out of those

For millions
and millions
of years, you know?

Muscles stretch...
Bones break.

I'm sick
of being pregnant.

Well, maybe it's like
a turkey, you know?

When this pops out,
it's ready.

Oh, cut it out.

Oh, what if I
can't even make it

Through the delivery?

What if i'm
not strong enough?

I'm scared, Roseanne.

Well, how did you
get through it?

Well, you just grunt
and groan and scream

And know that it's
the most agonizing thing

You're even
gonna go through.

And then you see
her perfect little face,

And you knew
it was all worthwhile.

Ha! Yeah, whatever.

[theme]

Roseanne,
that was wonderful.

Thanks. Can you
believe that I got
this whole dinner

From one of those
banquet rooms

Over the the holiday inn?

They were just gonna
throw this stuff away.

My little rosie's
a whiz with the leftovers.

Yeah, well, I figure

This will be one of your
last nights of freedom.

For the rest of your lives,

You'll be worried
about that kid.

Hey,
where are your kids?

Hell if I know.

Oh, by the way, Fred,
if you're thinking

About being
in the delivery room,

Things can get
a little wild in there.

You might
want to wear a cup.

I'm looking forward
to it.

Not only do Jackie and I
get to welcome

This new life
that we created,

It's gonna be
our third date.

Well, you know,

It's a very stressful time
for a woman,

So make sure one of you's
always rubbing my shoulders.

Roseanne, why don't I
help you with the dessert?

Well,
where are you going?

The dessert's
in here.

I know. I just thought
we should...

Discuss it
before we serve it.

Well, Jackie, now,
if you're having issues
with chocolate cake,

I think you should
confront the cake
directly.

Look, it's a really
big deal for Fred

To be in
the delivery room with me
when the baby's born.

Okay, but it's gonna
be kind of crowded

'cause
I made big promises

To D.J.'s
science class.

The hospital only
lets one extra person
in the room.

So that means what,
Fred is the extra person?

Well, I know we always talked
about doing it together,

But it's real important
to him.

Is that what you want?

Well, I feel like it's
the right thing to do.

I mean, he is the father.
He has his rights.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I've only been your
sister for years,

But then,
on the other hand,

He did buy you
dinner and a movie.

Hey.

I told her.

Roseanne, I know
you're probably upset

You won't be there
when the baby's born.

No, i'm just fine.

D.J. took a bath
yesterday,

So i've witnessed
my miracle for the week.

Well,
I knew if jackie
talked to you,

You'd understand.

I'm sorry.

Hey, if you guys
are done discussing
the dessert,

I think it might
be fun to eat it.

I'll get it.

Are you all right
with this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, i'm fine.

Hey, Fred, you have something
hanging off your chin here.

Ow!

There, I got it.

So she's definitely moving
back into her old pattern,
you know.

She thinks
she has to please the man,

So she's letting Fred
go in there instead of me.

Well, he is the father,
Roseanne.

I know he's the father.

Don't you think I know
he's the father?

Why is everybody so obsessed
about Fred being the father?

Well, the truth is, Roseanne,

She probably doesn't
really need anyone in there.

I read
about some foreign women

Who do it all on their own.

What if something
goes wrong?

You know,
fred's gonna be, like,
totally useless in there.

They all are.

I couldn't even
hear my kid

'cause Dan
was crying so loud.

Hi.

How are you doing?

Not good. I went
to step up on a curb.

It took me two tries.

Well, a woman
in your condition

Shouldn't be
walking anyway.

You're right, mother.

I should just driven the car
right into the restaurant.

Looks like someone's
a little testy.

I'll be going now.

I tell you,

When I was pregnant with you
and felt a little edgy,

I didn't let it bother me.

I just went home

And had a nice
bottle of wine.

I cannot believe
she drank

When she was
pregnant with us.

Aw, relax, Jackie.

After a few months
inside mom,

We probably needed
a couple sh*ts.

Well, sorry i'm late.

So what did the doctor say?

He said that the baby's
head has dropped,

And i'm centimeters
dilated.

Wow. So have you lost
your mucus plug yet?

Ladies,

These are customers.

Not if we don't wait
on 'em, they ain't.

'til then, they're
just people sitting
at a counter.

So did you?

Not yet, I don't think.
What is it?

It's this, like,
honkin' mucus

That, uh,
sits up there

And plugs up
the opening

To the--what
do you call it?
Cervix.

Well, what next to impress
the customers, Roseanne?

Perhaps take one
of the hamburger buns

And use it
to loofah your butt.

Well, gee,
just for that, Leon,

You are not getting
any of our homemade
placenta shampoo.

Jackie, the counter, please?

Oh, my god--oh--

[gasp]

My water just broke!

Mom, is she leaking?

What am I gonna do,
Roseanne?

Tell me what to do.

Uh, well, get your coat
and come on.

Okay.

We're taking your car

'cause Dan just put
brand-new duct tape
on my seats.

Oh, my god!

It's 'cause I pushed her
too hard, didn't I?

I mean, Roseanne,
her water didn't break
because I--

Asked her to wipe
the counter?

Yes, it did, Leon,

And I hope
you're happy.

Now Jackie is going to have to
go through the agonizing pain

Of a dry birth!

Okay.
I'm ready, I think.

I'm
gonna have a baby!

I'm gonna be there
with ya!

D.J., let's move!

Mom, did you water break
when you had me?

By the time I had you,

Everything
was already broken.

My water just broke.

When anything of mine breaks,

I want to be
at the hospital.

Well, yeah, we're
going to the hospital.

I just want
to stop by here

And grab a bag
that I packed for you

And, uh,
some crossword puzzles.

Well, i'll need something
to do between screams.

We don't
have time for this.

Yes, we do, Jackie.

I had this very same thing
when I had Becky, you know.

I was standing right here
in the living room.

My water broke.

It was a whole day
before I had her.

Then it was another years
before I could get her

To shampoo that spot
out of the carpet.

Well, what
if the baby comes?

I'd have
to have it here.

I don't want
to have my baby

Where Dan
takes his naps.

Jackie, I would not let you
have your baby on that couch.

You know how many things
we've lost in there.

Oh, god. I'm having one.

Okay, okay.
I'm having one!

Well, just remember,
you breathe in.

Come on. Breathe in.

, , , .
And out, , , , .

In...

And out.

It's gone.
You think it's over?

Well, gee, I don't know.

Do you see a baby
around here?

I know it's kind of
late for this,

But i'm starting to rethink
this whole baby thing.

Everything's gonna
be great, Jackie,
I promise.

I'm really scared.

Well, don't worry
about nothin',

'cause i'm gonna
be right there.

I don't know what i'd
do without you.

Could you call Fred?

That is exactly
what I was just thinking.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no.
He should be called.

After all,
he is the father.

Everyone knows
that he's the father.

They all keep telling me
that he's the father.

He better be the father.

Well, don't get all mad.

I'm not mad.
Well, don't get
sad, either.

Well,
you got to pick one.

Well, maybe we don't
have to call Fred yet.

I mean, how much time
do we have left?

Oh, well, I think you got
about , hours

Of, uh, horrifying,
unbearable pain

To look forward to.

Unless it's one
of those difficult births.

Well, we'll
wait a little while

Before we call him,
'cause, I mean,

If he's gonna be alone with me
all during the delivery,

Then it's only fair that you
should be alone with me

During the labor.

That way, we can have
a little sister time together.

Well, if that's
your decision,
Jackie, you know.

You need to think
about you now.

That's
what they taught you
in that lamaze class

That I drove you to

Through the snow
that one time.

I tell you what we'll do.

We'll get me
to the hospital.

We'll get me settled in,
and then we'll call Fred.

All right,
well, if that's
what you want,

My hands are tied.

D.J.,
you entertain her

While I
go grab the bag.
Okay.

You know, grandma
says your baby's
gonna be a bastard.

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh...

I still think
we got here too soon.

Too soon?

Any minute, i'm gonna
look down there,

It's gonna be
staring back at me.

We've been here
over an hour.

Do you think we ought
to call Fred?

Well,
we could call him,

But I think it's gonna
be a lot more hours.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I told you.

The only women
that give birth real fast

Are, like,
those big fat iowa women

That don't even know
they're pregnant
in the first place.

Harris?

Over here.

[grunt]

What's the problem?

Uh...

Well, I have
a dull headache,

And, uh, she's
about to spew forth

A human being
from her loins.

Oh--
oh, here we go again.

Ow!

No, you cannot be having
a contraction already.

It's only been one minute,

And you're still
four minutes apart.

She's a bit of a whiner.

Ooh...

Insurance?

No, no, we don't
have any insurance.

But we do have this
public aid medical card.

Oh, gee, i'm afraid
we're not gonna be
able to take you.

We've met our quota
of public aid cases.

Oh, terrific. Well,
then, can you point us

In the direction of
the nearest manger?

I'll arrange
for an ambulance

To take you over
to the county
hospital.

County? No.
I can't have my baby
at county.

I don't want my kid born
next to a g*nsh*t victim.

I'm sorry, but unless
this is an emergency,

I have
to follow the rules.

We're not going to county.
County is...Dangerous.

We wouldn't even
visit our own mother

When we put her in there.

Oh, god.
It's coming again!

Oh, I--I think maybe
those contractions
are one minute apart.

I know. I'm--i'm--
i'm having one of those
emergency births!

Oh, dear,
I think we'd better
admit you right away.

Here.

[gasping]

Good work. We're in.

Next time, don't
lay it on so thick.

You sounds
more like a cow.

I'm not faking.

That's impossible.
This is your first baby.

Everybody knows
that takes hours.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not necessarily.

I mean, with
all the pain
she's having,

I think it'll
be real soon.

I'm not ready.
Fred's not here yet.

Well, you know, call him.
I'll get Fred here.

You told me i'd
have a lot of time.

You lied to me.

I did not lie to you.

I've had three kids,

And it took the usual
three or four days.

It's not my fault
you're a freak.

You got to call Fred!

I will call Fred!

Just get in the chair
and shut up

And keep your legs together.

Hey, hey, hey!
My beeper just went off!

My liver's ready.

Oh, help, mommy, please!

Hi. Is Fred there?

Oh, he's not?

Well, as soon
as he gets back,

Tell him he's got
to get to the hospital

Because jackie's
having the baby.

And tell him
I called an hour ago!

How's it going?
Jackie's in labor.

Yeah, I know.
I came home for lunch,

And D.J. told me
her water heater broke.

I was halfway
to her house to fix it

When I realized
when he meant.

I mean, she's
in the delivery room.

I can happen any minute.

Yeah, where's Fred?

Fred? Well,
it's so weird, you know?

I mean, me and Jackie
were just talking
and everything,

And we just thought
we'd have more sister time.

How was I supposed to know

She's like one
of them fat ladies in iowa?

Fred doesn't know,
does he?

Man, I knew
you wanted to be
in the delivery room,

But I never thought
you'd sink this low.

You don't understand.
It didn't happen like that.

Well,
how did it happen?

What possible excuse
could you have?

I don't believe you, Dan.

You expect me
to make up excuses

When you should be
out looking for Fred?

I don't know where!

Well, you better think
of some place.

If he misses this delivery,

I'll have to live
with that guilt,

And it will eat at me
and eat at me

Until it destroys you.

Did Roseanne find Fred yet?

No.

My goodness, i've heard
of being left at the altar,

But i've never heard of
being left in the stirrups.

Laugh while you can,
old woman.

Ah, Jackie,

I think
the pain has k*lled
your sense of humor.

I'm not having any pain.
I had an epidural.

See? Yeah.

I bet I could get
my foot behind my head.

Oh, my--

Who put these booties
on my feet?

I did when you
weren't looking.

Hideous. Get 'em off.

Jackie, you haven't
shaved your legs.

My god.

The baby's
liable to be born

With rug burn.

Mother! Can we talk
about something else?

All right. Have you
thought about names?

No. I haven't decided yet.

Oh, god, there I am,
about to give birth.

I haven't even decided
on a name for my baby.

Oh, now don't
get all worked up.

Just name it the first thing
that comes into your mind.

You can always
change it later.

You can't
change it later.

Well,
of course you can.

We don't call you
Marjorie, do we?

Why would you
call me Marjorie?

Because that used
to be your name.

Only Roseanne
couldn't pronounce it.

She kept calling you
"my Jackie."

We thought
it was so cute,

We all started calling you
my Jackie.

And after a while,
you just became Jackie.

My name
used to be marjorie.

Yes.
It probably still is.

I think that's what's
written on your birth
certificate.

You don't even know
my own name?

You're supposed
to be my mother!

Oh, we told you
all this years ago.

No, you never told--

No, never, never,
never, never, never
told me that.

Now, Jackie,
don't upset yourself.

It's no big deal.

It's no big deal?
It's my name!

You go ask
a thousand people

If they think
that's a big deal.

They're
gonna say yes,

That is
a very big deal.

Or was it mary jane?

Hey, did you find him?

Yeah. He's in elgin.

He won't be back
for three hours.

Three hours.
Oh, my god.

She's ready to pop
any minute.

Sorry.

Oh, my god.

He's gonna miss this.

He's gonna miss
the birth of his baby,

And he'll never
get over it, Dan.

He'll never
get this moment back,

And it's all my fault.

I'm the most
horrible person
that ever lived.

Where is she?
Right there.

I think
you had that coming.

Yeah, you're right,
and you had that coming.

Where's Fred?

He's scrubbing up.

Thanks for getting him for me.

Roseanne, did you know
my name used to be Marjorie?

Well, how are we
feeling, Ms. Harris?

Okay.

Let's
take a look at you.
Uh-huh.

I apologize for her legs.

I told her to shave them.

Just as I thought.
You're fully dilated.

This baby
is ready to be born.

Oh, the baby's ready?

Yep. Now
I need everybody out

Except for
the coaching partner.

Okay.

Good-bye, dear.

Okay.

Good luck.

I'll be pacing.

Bye-bye.

Whoa, stirrup alert.
Let's go, Roseanne.

Yeah, i'm coming.
Are you okay?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, don't you
worry about nothing,

'cause everything's
gonna be just fine.

I'm
just right out there.

Okay.
I love you, Roseanne.

I love you, too,
marjorie.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Uh, good luck, Fred.

Uh, and i'm sorry

That I didn't
call you sooner.

Look, Roseanne, i'm not
gonna forgive you right now,

So don't even try.
We'll talk about it later.

Don't say that to her.

Don't get yourself
all upset now, Jackie.

He shouldn't
be mad at you.

I wanted her
to be part of this.

I really
need everyone else
to clear the room.

Bad enough she has
to miss the delivery.

Look, Jackie, if you
wanted Roseanne here,

You should have
just told me.

Hey, Fred, this is
a once-in-a-lifetime
thing for you.

I'm sure the father
of jackie's next baby

Will let me come
in the delivery room.

Look, Jackie, if you're
gonna resent me,

Then I should just go.

No, no way, because then
i'm gonna feel horrible guilt.

No, i'm going.

No, don't everybody go!

You have to ask
one of them to leave.

Why do I have to make
this decision?

I'm the one having the baby.

This is a really
stressful time for me.

You're asking me to choose
between the father

And the person who's
most important to me--

Oh, mama, my epidural's
wearing off!

Okay. All right.
Now, look.

Her sister is staying.

You want me to leave,

You're gonna have to
physically throw me out.

You can't be serious.

Go ahead and try it.

You'll be glad you're
already in a hospital.

Okay, fine. I don't
have time to argue.

Look,
just put on a gown

And get out of my
way, all right?

Quite a man
you've got there.

Yeah.
He's my protector.

You're starting
to tear,

So i'm going
to have to cut you.

Holy cow...

[heartbeat]

[doctor]
okay, Jackie, now push.

Uhh!

It's not coming!

[Roseanne]
okay, remember

What they taught us
in lamaze, Jackie.

Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.

Now think
a bowling ball

Going through
a garden hose.

Ohh!

[doctor]
I can see the head.

[Roseanne]
Jackie, it's
gonna happen!

Oh, god! Ohh!
Oh, god!

Oh, Jackie,
it's beautiful!

Is it okay?

It's perfect.

It's a boy.

Oh, it's a boy!

Oh, it's a baby boy!

Hi! Hi!

Ohh!

Oh, i'm your--
i'm your mommy!

Can I hold him?
I want to hold him.

Oh, hello, baby.

I'm your aunt Roseanne!

[baby cries]