06x21 - Lies My Father Told Me

[bunniefuu]

[cartoon noises]

Hey, D.J., haven't seen you
since I got home.

Shut up.

Oh, nice
to see you too.

School's going
really well.

Shut up.

Yeah, the bus ride home
was nice, but, uh,

Unfortunately, I was
sitting next to this guy
who kept singing...

la la la la
la la la la la

I'm gonna
k*ll you, Darlene!

Not if I k*ll you first.

Oh, you kids, if I had
a corpse for every time

One of you said that...

She won't shut up.
Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Shut! Up!

How ironic; grandma's strapped
to a bed in a loony bin,

And yet D.J. walks free.

What are you
talkin' about?

Well, thank you for your
sensitivity, Darlene.

I was gonna tell you about
grandma Connor, you know.

Last night your dad
had to put her into a home.

What kind of home?

A home...
Not unlike our own.

She's in a mental institution.

Is it because
grandma's crazy?

No, it's because
she's... Tired.

Yeah, tired of being sane.

Well, "crazy" is a mean
word to use, D.J.

Your grandmother
is just emotionally, um--

Well, she's had
some emotional, uh--

She's a tad nutty.

How long has
she been like this?

I don't know.

Only in our family can someone
be a nut case for years

Without anyone noticing.

We notice, Darlene;
we're just ignoring you.

Did grandma
do crazy things?

Well, there was that
one tip-off.

Remember when
she was in Florida,

She sent us
that postcard that said,

"having a great time.
Wish I was here."

This is just our way
of coping, you know?

Instead of crying
and saying my grandmother's

In a mental institution,
we say, uh, well,

At least grandma
is with other people

Who share her interests
in hand-washing.

[laughing]

Mornin'.

Oh, man.

Oh, i'm sorry, Dan.

Listen, I need
to talk about this.

Why? It didn't happen
to your mom.

Yeah, I know; if it would've
happened to my mom,

At least it would
make sense.

Talk.

Well, I just have
some questions is all.

Um, you know, when your parents
got divorced, when was that?

Uh, let's see...

I was wearing a size ,
so that's about

years ago, right?

Right.

And remember when your mom
got hospitalized

For exhaustion then?

Um, was that
a mental hospital?

Yes, it was a mental hospital.

Her husband of years
had just walked out on her,

So she got
a little depressed.

Go figure.

Were there other times?

Once.

Really?

My dad used to go away
on business trips

When I was a kid
and one time,

He took off without
even telling my mom.

Two weeks,
no phone calls, no nothin'.

She didn't know where he was.

He really did that?

Yeah, he really did that.
Wow.

And it wrecked her so bad
that she had to go away

For a little while.

Yeah.

Well, I just had no idea.

Well, I told you
that my dad

Treated my mom
like crap.

Well, yeah, I know that,
but, I mean,

I didn't know
he was that bad

And I didn't know that
it affected her so much.

Well, of course
it affected her;
he was horrible to her.

It's amazing
that she held up
as well as she did.

Well, so...

So it must've been
really hard on you, huh, Dan?

No, it wasn't hard on me.
It's was hard on her.

She made it okay for me.
She was a great mother.

She didn't teach her kids
to make jokes about things

That aren't funny.

Hey, the kids are just tryin'
to handle this, okay?

We all feel really bad about
what happened to your mother.

Really?
Well, you could
never tell.

Of course,
you could never tell

Anybody gives a damn
about anything around here.

All we do is yell
at each other and make jokes.

Well, Dan, i'm really upset
that you've forgotten

The occasional fist fight.

That's perfect, Roseanne.

I'm just tryin'
every way I know how.

Try somethin' else.
[door closes]

Hey, mom, you know,
he probably just doesn't

Feel comfortable
talkin' to you

Because your mother
never went insane.

Don't worry,
i'll talk to him.

[laughing]

Alright, sweetie,
you go to bed now.

I hope you're planning
to sing him a proper lullaby

And not that rock 'n roll
you sang last time.

It was puff the magic dragon.

Square old bat.

[door bell]

I'm not so square
that I don't know

That song's about reefer.

Let's see what
Roseanne thinks.

You think it's a good idea
to encourage infants

To do dr*gs?

Jackie, what is
the matter with you?

I told you you have to wait
till he's at least three

Before you go and buy him
one of those Fisher-price bongs.

Make your little jokes now,
but you'll wish

You listened to me
when that boy is

And he's wearing
an earring and dungarees.

So is Dan doing
any better?

No, he isn't
and it just sucks.

I mean, you know,
he's sleeping right next to me,

But there's just nothing
I can do about it.

And he's gettin'
really nasty too.

I mean, you know,
he called me a bad mother.

I think.

I couldn't really
hear him 'cause D.J.

Was running by
with scissors.

You're not a bad mother,
Roseanne.

A bad mother thinks
one blanket is enough

In the dead of winter.

Where do you
keep them, Jackie?

In the basement...

With the asbestos.

Grandma to the rescue again.

Breathe deep, old woman.

It's just so weird, you know,
all that stuff he told me.

I don't know,
it's like his family's

Way more screwed up
than he ever let on before.

Well, maybe
he was ashamed.

Ashamed? He's been married
to me for years.

You'd think he'd be
numb to shame by now.

I don't know, Roseanne.
It is kinda bad.

I mean, think about it.

His mom b*at our mom
to the loony bin.

And I can't even get him
to talk about audrey, you know?

He's so defensive.

It's like he has to believe
she was, like,

The world's greatest mother.

Egad, imagine a child
loving his mother.

I hope you didn't snap him
out of it, Roseanne.

This is not about Dan
loving his mother, okay?

You can still love your mother
even though you know

That she is a crazy old shrew.

Don't think
that I can't read

Between those lines,
Roseanne.

You know, dan's mother
was lucky she had sons.

Sons always treat
their mothers with respect.

Ugh, look at the stains!

I assumed because
it was folded it was clean.

You know, you're right, mom.

Dan's mother was lucky
and we don't treat you

With enough respect.

Shoulda had sons.

Hey, Darlene?

I was reading how
if your grandmother's insane,

There's a
one-out-of-three chance

That you will be too, so...

There's a test here to look
for the early warning signs.

Oh, man, not another one
of those ink blots

That looks like
the devil stabbing me.

Hey, guys,
what are you doin'?

Oh, nothin',
just takin' a test.

Man, I hate tests.

Oh, this one's different.

When you're done
with this one,

You don't hand the nurse
a plastic cup.

Okay, question number one:

"when you put
your shoes on,
do put them on

One at a time
or both at once?"

Both at once.

Okay, that was an easy one.

Question number two:

"what color is the sound
of a dog barking?"

Bright green.

Green or bright green.
Both are acceptable.

Question number three:
"pick one: triangle,
hat, or boat."

Triangle?

Boat.

That's right.

Question number four:

"do you ever relive
the same moment twice?"

No.
Very good.

Question number four:
"do you ever relive
the same moment twice?"

No.
Very good.

[Becky]
hey, guys,
what are you doin'?

Oh, nothin',
just takin' a test.

Man, I hate tests.

Oh, this one's different.

When you're done
with this one,

You don't hand the nurse
a plastic cup.

Dan, Dan, now you're
gonna wake the babies.

Now, why don't you
just calm down

And Roseanne will be here
any minute to take you home.

[drunken slur]
no, Crystal, I told you

I'd come here to talk
to my father.

I'm not leaving
until I do.

I told you he's not here.
He's on a business trip.

What a surprise.
Prepare yourself, Crystal.

You may not hear
from him for two weeks.

Dan, I think
you should leave.

Well, I don't think
I should leave.

You know who I think
should leave?

I think you should leave.

I think you should
get away from him.

Pack up the stuff,
grab the kids.

I'll give you a hand.

Hey, Lonnie,
get that chair!

Dan, Dan,
put that down.

Lonnie, why don't you go
get Dan some nice, hot coffee?

Now, now listen.

I'm married to your father
and i'm not leavin'.

Oh, come on, Crystal,
don't let him do to you
what he did to her.

You haven't heard
your father's side.

He's a good man.

Damn it, he is not!

[yelps]
Dan, you're scarin' me!

Look, Crystal,
he doesn't love you.

He doesn't love the kids.

He just goes away
all the time

And he leaves you
alone by yourself,

Then he comes back
and he says, look, honey,

I got you a lamp.

Lonnie, Lonnie, come here.

Now, you gotta talk
to your mom,

You gotta tell her
to get out

Because he's wreckin'
your family.

No-- no he's not.

Dan, I forbid you to talk
to my son that way.

Now-- now why don't you
have a little coffee.

You're not
listening to me.

Come on, you need it.

This is not way for you
to act in your father's house!

I am not drinkin'
his damn coffee!

Well, that's always
the first sign

That he's had
too much caffeine.

Rosie, you got
nothin' to do here.

Just get out.

No, Dan,
that would be rude.

Crystal would be
very insulted

If I didn't throw
a cup at the wall too.

Well, i'm not leavin'.

Not till I talk
to the son of a bitch.

Get out of our house.

Um, that was pretty cute,
Lonnie, but, you know,

His ankle is as big
as your chest.

Dan, if you're waitin'
around to see your dad,

Um, you're waiti''
in the wrong place

'cause he's over
at our house.

What are you
talkin' about?

Yeah, isn't that
right, Crystal?

Oh, right,
that's where he is.

Yesiree.

Well, why the hell
didn't somebody tell me?

Oh, 'cause we wanted it to be
a big surprise, you know.

Let's go.

Hey, Crystal...

You know i'm only
doin' this to help you.

And you did, Dan,
but now you're gonna
go home and rest,

So tomorrow you'll be able
to help others.

Oh, i'm really
sorry, Crystal.

You know he loves ya,
but right now he's just

A big, stupid drunk guy
that's just in a lot of pain.

It's okay, Roseanne.
He just broke a few things.

[rustling]

Oh, and now a shrub.
Oh...

Get up, Dan!

Morning, otis.

Boy, dad, now that
i'm in college,

Let me tell you, I know
exactly how you feel.

I find that if you
just start drinking

Right when you wake up,
the hangover's gone.

And, you know, you can
go about your day
with full energy,

Whether it's goin'
to classes or, you know,
raising a family.

You're done, Darlene.

Oh, dad...

I'm really sorry
about grandma.

I know.

Alright, Darlene,
time to leave the house.

You're just
a painful reminder

Of another bender
your dad went on.

Where's the rest
of the free-loaders?

Well, I told 'em
to get lost, you know,

Um, 'cause I thought
that we would talk.

Well, they didn't
have to leave the house.

Well, I thought
we'd maybe talk loud.

So what were you thinking
goin' over there all drunk?

Did you think you were gonna
go over there and b*at him up?

Maybe.

Or at least barf on him.

Well, Crystal called me
last night, you know,

And she had some things
to say about your mom and dad.

Listen to me, Dan, a person
doesn't become mentally ill

Because their spouse
goes away on business trips.

How in the hell
can you say that to me?

Well, think about it, Dan.
It can't all be his fault.

Well, what are you sayin'?

Oh, I see, you're tellin' me
that if I forgive him,

I'll feel better.

Well, why didn't
you say so?

[snaps]
done!

Where's my tap shoes?

This isn't just
the third time

Your mother's been
hospitalized, Dan.

It used to happen a lot
when you were a kid

And they told you
that she was visiting
some relative?

Well, she wasn't.

Where the hell
did you hear that?

Crystal.

Oh, that's bull.

My mother
was in a bad marriage.

No, Dan.

Crystal told me that
your mom was in and out

Of a lot of hospitals
before your parents even met.

Crystal's protecting him.

Do you wanna call
those hospitals--

Stop defending him.
Stop!

He let you blame him
for everything, Dan.

He took all your crap,
all of his life,

Just so he could
keep your mom
lookin' good for you.

No way, no way.
I'm not gonna
let you do this.

You are not gonna
twist this around.

He did a good thing, Dan.

It didn't happen
that way.

What you're saying
does not make any sense.

It makes
perfect sense, Dan.

Why? Huh? Why?

Why wouldn't
he tell me about it?

Because maybe he knew
he was gonna be gone
all the time.

Maybe he figured
it would be easier

For a kid to have
a bastard for a father

Than a crazy person
for a mother.

He made her that way.

This was his fault.

No, it wasn't
his fault, Dan.

And it wasn't her fault.

And it's not
your fault either.

[crying]
I can't take this.

Yeah, I know.

I'm gonna take it
with you.

[tv, man talking]

[knocking]

[tv shuts off]

Oh, it's my son,
the tough guy.

Is there some stuff
that you forgot

To break last night?

I just came
to help you clean up.

Can I come in?

[sighs]

You know,
when you were younger,

At least you had the courage
to take your sh*ts at me.

Well, last night
you weren't here.

Yeah, well,
my family was.

Yeah, look, i'm sorry
about the things
that I said to Crystal.

At least Crystal, thankfully,
is smart enough not to listen

To some drunk
who's tearing up her house.

Whoa, who broke
the toaster?

Man, I don't even
remember being

In the kitchen last night.

Come on, danny,
what are we doin' here?

I can help you
fix that.
Stop it.

I just wanna talk
to you, dad.

I think we're way past it.

Way past talk.

Now, I got an idea.

Why don't we just
call it quits,

Go our separate ways?

You're my father,
i'm your son.
We can't do that.

Why the hell not?

We're both grown men.

We don't need
each other anymore.

Let's just say it's done.

Come on, dad.

You know it was different
when I was on my own, okay?

But now, I can't have you
comin' over here

And just scarin'
the hell out of my family.

I can't leave until
we talk about mom.

That's the difference
between you and me.

You can't stop
livin' in the past.

It's just--

I ruined
your mother's life.

Okay, see, I admit that.

I can't keep apologizing.

Crystal told Roseanne
about mom.

You know, her history.

Well, she shouldn't
have done that.

Maybe she
shouldn't have, but...

I wish you had.

Some things
are private, Dan.

I'm her son.
Exactly.

And I didn't you to go around
thinkin' bad things

About your mother,
because she was a good woman.

Still is.

Yeah, and I know i've said
some bad things about you

For a long time.

I just want you to know
that I really appreciate--

There you go.
There you go.

I mean, you're just gonna
drag the past up again,
aren't ya?

Don't. Don't.

Look, you don't understand
what i'm tryin' to tell ya.

I just wanna tell ya
that I really appreciate--

Don't!

Dan...
Just leave it alone.

If that's the way
you want it.

Hey, that toaster
is not gonna fix itself.

Okay.

I'll see you later.

Hey, I thought you were
gonna fix this thing.

You want me to?

Hey, I didn't break it.

There's a ballgame on.
You mind if I watch?

[tv, man speaking]

Sure.

We can make it
more interesting,
put bucks on it.

I'll take the bulls.

Huh, my house,
i'll take the bulls.

[laughing]
I mean, this is wild.

I don't even remember
being in the kitchen
last night.

You weren't.

Thing's been broken
for months.

Hey, d.J.

I know you guys are just
trying to trick me

With this stupid test.

Oops, figured it out.

[door closes]

Hey, D.J.

How'd you do that?

Oops, figured it out.

[door closes]

Hey, D.J.
You're not scaring me!

Oops, figured it out.

[door closes]
hey, D.J.

Stop it!
Oops, figured it out.

Hey, D.J.
Mom!

What's the matter
with him?

The kid's losin' it.