06x25 - Altar Egos

[bunniefuu]

Jeez!

You see anybody?
No. No prowler.

Listen.

Next time you hear something,
don't call me, call the police.

They're specially trained
to deal with people like you.

Maybe the guy
made it into the basement

And he's just hiding out
till the coast is clear.

You'd have to break a window
to get into the basement.

Did you hear a window break?

No.

But maybe

He attached a suction cup
to the window pane,

And cut a circle around it,

And he silently removed
the glass and then climbed in.

I didn't think of that.

No, Dan.

Better take that.
No, no, no, no.

You keep it.
You need it more than I do.

I have my sanity
to protect me.

Be careful.

Yeah, be careful
down there, Dan!

I just oiled that
-gauge last night.
The action's real hot.

Jackie!
What?

Shut up!

You see anything?

Nothing. Ooh,
wait a minute. What's this?

What?

Dan?

What do you see?

Dan!

If you are able to,
answer me!

Your water
heater's leaking.

A joint's gotta
be replaced.

Um...

How does someone do that?

Same way
they do anything else.

They ask their brother-in-law
to do it for them!

[doorbell rings]

What's going on? I saw
dan's truck outside.

I thought
I heard a burglar!

Really?
Yeah, but it was a false alarm.

So you needed a man
to protect you,

And you called Dan.

Well, I was scared.
It was just instinct.

And your instinct
was to call Dan.

Well, Fred, my god!

You know, i'm sorry
I called Dan

Because I
heard a burglar.

And, by the way,
i'm fine.

And so is your child.
Thanks for asking.

Oh, hey, Fred.
I'm gonna need a wrench.

What do you
need a wrench for?

Water heater's leaking.
I'll fix it.

I'm already greasy. No sense
in both of us having to wash
our hands tonight.

No, really.
I'll fix it.

Knock yourself out.

I gotta get home anyway.

It's Graham cr*cker night.

Why don't you just
let Dan fix the water heater?

He's the one
that installed it.

Right.
And it's leaking.

[baby crying]

Why are you so angry?

Oh, gee, I don't know.
Maybe there's nothing
to be angry about.

I guess Dan should just fix
the leak and I should shut up.

Oh, see?

My milk
is coming out.

Can't you hold it?

Yes, Fred, and I can also
write my name in the carpet.

Well, why
did that happen?

You woke the baby,
he started crying

And now i'm leaking.

Oh! Well, hang on!

I'll get Dan!

What are you doing?

Uh, movin' the couch
to see how much room
we have for the wedding.

Mm, okay.

Honey?

You know, Dan,
i've been telling you all week,

I got a really bad feeling
about this wedding.

Mrs. Conner.
David?

Sometimes it's easier to move
Mrs. Conner than it is
to argue with her.

Ho! God, look at that.

It's a clean spot.

I always thought we
had indoor-outdoor.

This here is shag.

Don't worry, honey.
We'll just cover
the rest of the floor

With furniture, and everyone
will think we got new carpet.

No, Dan. Jackie
cannot have her wedding

In a room
with a clean spot.

This just proves
that my bad feeling was right.

This is a sign.

I know it is, dear.

But we agreed we'd wait
for a really big sign,

Something more concrete,
before you wrecked
Jackie's life.

A really big sign, Dan?

What do you think of this?
God almighty has marked
our carpet.

You just had a shock.
I mean, this carpet thing,

It'd upset anybody,
right, David?

Uh, yeah.
I'm troubled by it.

Look, honey, why don't you
just take a nice, hot bath

And relax, and you'll see,
jackie's wedding will
be a big success

And jackie'll live
happily ever after.

Do not talk down to me

Like one of those husbands
who is not afraid of his wife.

Calgon's under the sink.

Mr. Conner, do you think
this is part of that

"change of life" thing?

Oh, if only
this were a change.

Mr. Conner,
this could get a lot worse.

And it will.

But all we can do
is walk on eggshells,

And keep Mrs. Conner
submerged in warm water.

Why is she so upset?
I thought she wanted Jackie
to get married.

She does.

But she's also unhappy
about losing Jackie to Fred.

And David, Mrs. Conner
is never unhappy alone.

[country music]

Hey, man.
Sorry i'm late.

Looks like i'm gonna have
to have a couple of beers
to catch up with you.

Six.
Wow!

Anyway, let's talk
about the, um, bachelor party.

Now, the women have forbidden us
from getting a stripper,

So we're gonna have to hire
one of them nude models

From the art school,
teach her how to dance.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

There's not gonna be
any bachelor party.

What?

Oh, of course there's
not gonna be a bachelor party.

I gotcha. Anyway, I heard about
this shari lewis look-alike

Who does something incredible
with lamb chop.

I'm serious, Dan.

I'm not even sure
there's gonna be a wedding.

What?

Hey, relax.

Most guys get nervous
before their weddings.

I think they call it
the moment of clarity.

I'm tired of pretending that
i'm the one she really wants.

Come on, man.
It's just cold feet.

There's another guy.

She sees him almost every day.
I'm not stupid!

Oh, right. You don't
know Leon that well.

Let me tell you...

It's not Leon, okay?

It's not Leon.
It's you.

Me? Are you kiddin'?

My own wife's
not even interested in me.

Dan, you have no idea
how she talks about you.

It's like you're the ideal man
and no other guys can
live up to you.

Come on, man.
You're talkin' stupid.

She thinks
you're like a god.

All right, look,
maybe a long time ago,

When we first met,
but that's a -year crush.

On me. Come on,
i'm not that great.

Hey, can we have some more
pretzels here, honey?

You know, nobody
even talks about it

Because it's like the biggest,
dirtiest secret in the family.

And I happen to know
that you love it.

I do not love it.

I'm not saying
it's not flattering...

God, please. You know,
you totally egg her on.

That's why she's always
having you come over
to fix the same stuff.

I don't egg her on.
I just do sloppy work!

Hey, next time she
asks you over to help,

Just cut out the middleman
and get into bed with her.

That's enough.

I'm telling you right now,

I would never
take advantage of that,

And i'm surprise you're even
talking like this about her.

Oh, that's right,
because you're jackie's
big protector.

Okay. We're cutting you off.
I'm gonna drive you home.

Get your hands
off of me.

Okay, fine.

But you're not
gonna drive home.

Yeah, well,
neither are you.

It's okay!

He's getting married
in a couple of days.

Somebody call him
a cab, would ya?

Hi, Dan.
Hey, Jackie. Hey,Jackie!

Dan, you know
what's up with Fred?

I just dropped the baby off
and he's being really snippy.

No. Nope,
no, no idea.

I don't know
what's going on.

It's like this
all the time, lately.

Things have gotten really bad
between the two of us.

Jackie, I don't think
you and me should be
talking about you and Fred.

Why? He say something
last night at the lobo?

No, it's just I don't want
to get in the middle of this.

Fred's like my best friend
and you and me, well,

We're practically related. At
least that's how I look at it.

My god, what happened
to your face?

Nothin'. I just bumped into
roseanne's elbow last night.

Apparently,
I was snoring.

[snores]

She really
caught you one.

It's okay. Just, you know,
it's all right. Just...

Ju... Ju...
[Roseanne] hey.

Hey, she was just looking
at my face, that's all.

I thought you and Fred
were gonna go ring
shopping this morning.

Well, I don't know,
we might not even need rings,

'cause according to Fred,
there might not be a wedding.

He actually
said that to me.

Really?
Yeah.

But it's just cold feet.
Right?

People say crazy things all the
time before they get married.

Nothing
to worry about, right?

What?

I think you should
postpone the wedding.

What? Are you serious?

Yeah, i've had a really bad
feeling about it all week,

But I just couldn't get to you
'cause Dan kept me in the tub.

Well, what do
you think, Dan?

Don't ask him!

I think you should
cancel the wedding.

What?
What?

Could be that Fred's problem
is that he senses

That you have a problem.

And maybe you're
questioning things

Because you still
have some feelings about...

The past.

About someone
from the past, and...

And...

Fred just doesn't measure up.

Yeah, right, Dan. We'll call ya
if we ever need some gibberish.

Well, thanks a lot,
you two.

I had about that much confidence
and you just stomped on it

And stomped on it
till it's all gone.

Well, if you
don't want our opinion...

I don't want your opinion.

I'm gonna find somebody
who'll tell me getting
married is a good idea

Even if it isn't.

I'm gonna ask mom.

Man, I hope she's
not making a mistake.

Well, what made you
change your mind?

First you were treating me like
a nutcase, and now you agree.

I oughta put you
in the tub.

All right, i'll tell you.
But you gotta promise me

You won't think
any less of Jackie.

[sighs]
go on.

All right. Last night,
Fred told me something

About the way jackie
feels about me.

What way was that?
It's... It's no big deal.

It's just...

One of those crush things
that a younger sister has

On an older sister's
husband, and it's...

So you...

Think Jackie
has a crush on you.

Just a little crush.
It's only natural.

You are out of your

Clodhoppin', consarned,
egg-suckin' mind!

Well, Fred
thinks it's true.

Oh, well, then...

He took a swing
at me last night.

He told me Jackie
thinks i'm like a god.

Well, that's just 'cause
you never do nothin' on Sunday.

Think about it.

She's always asking
me over there to fix stuff.

Wow! And so is my mom.

Oh, my god, my entire family's
got the hots for you, Dan.

And Leon wanted you to come over
and fix that pipe.

You better look out,
hot stuff.

You just don't
wanna believe it.

Jackie has never
said one thing about
that to me, ever.

Of course she wouldn't
say anything to you!

I'm your man!

You're a gigantic fool.

Okay, you go ahead,

You think i'm a fool,
but at least i'm not selfish.

I'm not selfish.

It's so obvious what
you're doing, Roseanne.

You don't want Jackie to
be married, 'cause then you'd
have to share her with Fred.

You want to keep her
all to yourself,

Even though it means
she'll never be happy.

You are so wrong.

I mean, you are just
so completely wrong.

If you were
any wronger at all,

You would be in the
guinness book of world records

Under "world's wrongest man."

Hell, I got that title
the day I married you!

[doorbell rings]

Hey.
Oh, hi.

So, how are you doing?

Not good.

I called up Fred and I
told him to come on over,

'cause you
and Dan are right.

If he has this many
doubts about it, maybe
we shouldn't be married.

I think you better
think about this some more.

I have been, and i'm
starting to see Fred
for what he really is.

Scared.

Indecisive,
emotionally unpredictable,

And I don't want to be
married to somebody like me.

No, you should
marry Fred, Jackie.

And you wouldn't be
having all these doubts

If you hadn't been
influenced by the very
worst person on earth.

Roseanne, mom
wants me to be married.

No. Not mom.

Me! I'm evil,
and I must be stopped.

I'm very confused.

Well, it was always
that I was the one

That had the kids and was
married to the great guy.

And now if you're
gonna get married,

Well, we'll be tied.

So you told me not
to marry Fred

Because you don't
want us to be tied?

Yeah, because,
you know, if we're tied,

Then we'll be equal and then
you won't need me anymore.

Oh, Roseanne!

I know.
I'm so stupid.

I'm just hideous.
Don't even look at me.

Well, of course
I will need you.

Even with Fred,
my life is messed up.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

I'm not. I'm still
stuck in a dead-end job.

Well, that's true.

I have no confidence
in my skills as a mother,

So I really need you there.

Well, that's true.
I am a damn good mother.

Gotta be proud
of the way David turned out.

And you got me out of that
Fisher relationship mess,

You got me started dating Fred,
and if it wasn't for you,

I probably wouldn't
be headed towards a life
better than yours.

I said, "tied!"

It's pointless, anyway,
because Fred doesn't
want me anymore.

Oh, he wants you, Jackie.

He's just thinking all screwy.
'cause you know what?

He thinks that you
have the hots for Dan.

What?

They had this great big fight
about it at the lobo last night.

Fred thinks that?
Uh-huh.

He thinks that?

Yeah, and you know
what's even scarier?

Dan thinks it too.

[knocking on door]

Oh, hi, Fred.

Hi.
Oh, hi.

Jackie, i'm really glad you
called, 'cause we need to talk.

Roseanne, can you
leave us alone?

[sighs] well, no,
Fred, I don't need to,

Because I know
what this is all about.

You do?
Yes.

Dan and Jackie.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I know.

I guess i've
always known.

Oh, Roseanne.

I just don't think I can
go through with all of this

Knowing how jackie
feels about Dan.

I don't blame you
at all, Fred.

I don't really see how any
of us can get through this.

That is why i've agreed

To step aside and let
Jackie and Dan be together.

What?

As part of that bargain,

You shall be mine.

Jackie? I just came by
with your wedding present.

I can't come out. I got
my dress on already.

And we got enough
strikes against us.

I'll just leave it
on the bed then.

No, wait.

Give it here.

Oh, Fred, it's a beautiful
picture of you and the baby.

I love it!
Thank you.

Well, Sears had a coupon.

Oh.

Get out of here.

Hey.
Hey.

Roseanne wanted me
to give these to Jackie.

Oh, well,
those'll look great.

Yeah, I wore them
at my wedding.

Hey, Dan. I'd...

Yeah, I know, me too.

I mean, it was
just the wedding...

I know, I know.

Fred, what are you
doing with your arms?

I'm just shaking hands.

[Jackie] is he gone?
Yeah.

Wow! Great dress.

Great you.
Thanks.

Roseanne wanted me
to give you these.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Listen, I know she
had that dumb idea

About me walking you
down the aisle, but if
you'd rather go alone...

No! Dan, no!
I think it's a great idea.

I mean, you did
take a punch for me.

I wish Roseanne hadn't
told you everything about that.

It's all right.
I'm not embarrassed.

Of course not. You're not the
big goon that believed it all.

Dan.

I might not have
a crush on you,

But I think you're
an incredible guy.

I have been out
with so many jerks,

And if I didn't know that there
were guys like you out there,

I would have given up
on men a long time ago.

Yeah? Really?

So, I mean,

In your eyes,

I'm the perfect man.

Uh, more like a god.

Man, did she have
to tell you everything?

[Roseanne] move it, you two!

Well...

You ready?
I think so.

Okay.
[baby crying]

Sounds like your son's
ready for you, too.

Oh, no!
What?

What's the matter?
Oh...

I'm leaking! Oh!

Well,
it's not noticeable.

Oh! I had no reason to think
this day would go well.

I mean, i've only been looking
forward to it for years!

Come on, Jackie.
Can't you just, uh,

Go like this?

Dan, when something
is leaking,

You don't apply
pressure to it.

All right.
Wait, wait, wait.

I got an idea.
I got an idea. Wait a minute.

All right, here.

An original creation
by Mr. Dan.

It's not bad.

Shall we?
Okay.

Dan.

It wasn't Roseanne's idea
for you to walk me
down the aisle,

It was mine.

You want me.

Fred, do you take Jackie
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.
And Jackie,

Do you take Fred to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

By the power vested in me
by the state of Illinois,

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Just let me
switch sides first.

I suppose
you're next, Darlene.

Uh, no, thank you.

I drink my milk
from a glass now.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, now.