04x04 - A Vigilante Ripped My Sports Coat

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

MAN: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show."

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

Hi Mel.

Hey Sally.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm packing your old clothes for the charity drive.

Old clothes?

Those are my current clothes.

I wore these on the subway this morning.

Sorry.

Here but I do have something for you.

It's never been worn, it's beautiful,

and it's very expensive.

Well then, why are you giving it away?

It's also a size 8.

You're not a size 8.

Oh, you've noticed.

No, I figured if I bought an expensive dress

that I couldn't fit into that I'd be forced to lose weight.

Good idea.

No, bad idea because every time I try it on,

I get depressed.

So?

So, and I get depressed, I grab something fattening.

I don't see why you couldn't let out a seam or two.

Mel, don't touch it.

It's you.

Come on now buddy, cut it out.

Mel's collecting for charity, be a little charitable, will you?

I'm being charitable.

I didn't say that dress looked rotten on him.

Sally, I promise you that during this year

I don't know exactly when, but I guarantee this,

you can write it down.

I'll sign it and have it notarized.

I guarantee I will punch this fat little man

in his fat little nose--

That's your yogurt Mel?

That's my yogurt, and you're paying for it.

Sally, if Rob brings in anything for the charity drive,

just have him put it in that box.

OK now.

Hey, yogurt finger.

I brought some old clothes.

Should I just throw them in the box?

Not till they've been fumigated.

You see that Sal?

I try and try, he just won't be friendly.

Hey, maybe you forgot his birthday.

No, I remembered his birthday.

I sent the usual things, 100 pounds of fertilizer.

Oh, hi Rob.

Oh, hi Rob.

Buddy, what did you just say to Mel?

Not enough.

How'd you know the boys chatted?

Well I passed him in the hall.

He just punched the fire extinguisher

and said, take that fat nose.

Hey, are those for Mel's charity?

Oh, yeah I grabbed a few things.

Yeah, me too.

How do you like this?

A tuxedo?

Yeah.

Look Buddy, people in depressed countries

don't go to formal banquets too often.

Now they can go.

All right, I'll find some use for it.

Don't worry.

Well, I hope somebody can use this stuff.

Hey, how'd you rip the pocket?

I didn't rip the pocket.

What happened?

Did your handkerchief explode?

No, my neighbor did.

Jerry ruined your beautiful jacket?

Yeah, among other things.

What else did he ruin?

Well, our friendship for one thing.

We haven't spoken to each other for two weeks.

Yeah, we know that. Don't we buddy?

- Yeah. - You know why?

Oh, we figured you were mad at each other.

No.

Because we believe in diametrically

opposed ideologies.

Oh, he believes in ripping up your jacket,

and you just don't like that.

No.

No, I believe in constitutional government.

That guy believes in mob rule.

Now, let me get this straight.

Just because you believe in constitutional government

and Jerry believes in mob rule, he ripped up your jacket,

and you're not talking to each other?

Oh no.

The reason we're not talking is because the guy's

a stubborn nut.

I don't think political differences

should set neighbors apart.

But, I sent him an invitation to that party last week,

he never even answered it.

Well, maybe he was too busy ripping up your jacket.

Hey, why'd he do that?

Well, probably because I pulled a button off his jacket.

You ripped a button, he ripped a pocket.

Sounds like a game, pocket button.

And I could play, but all I got is a zipper.

But how do you like the guy?

He never even answered my invitation.

Well, how could he minus 1 button?

Hey, when did Jerry start the jazz with the mob rule?

Well, it was about the time Gilbert Bester

moved next door to us.

Ooh, there's a name.

Gilbert Bester?

Sounds like a disease.

To Jerry and his little group of neighborhood vigilantes,

he was a disease.

And we were dedicated to stamping them out too.

It was about two weeks ago.

It was the night that Laura and I were making out

the invitations for the party.

Darling, I'm sending an invitation

to Mel Cooley and his wife.

So, you better warn Buddy.

- Don't worry, I will. - OK.

How many are you planning on?

18.

Uh, 20 if you think we ought to have Millie and Jerry.

Why shouldn't we have Millie and Jerry?

Well, the way you and Jerry acted at the meeting

last night, I thought you were going to hit each other.

Well honey, that was a political meeting.

This thing is social.

Well, I just thought you might feel a little more comfortable

if Jerry didn't come.

Honey, you know something?

That's what's wrong with the world today.

If people are going to live together peaceably,

we've got to keep the lines of communication open.

Well then Darling, why don't you call Jerry and invite him?

Because I don't want to talk to that rat.

Darling, you just said about the lines of communication.

Yeah, I know what I said honey.

But, I'd rather just send them an invitation to the party.

Maybe by Saturday night I'll be cooled off

enough to be friendly to him.

OK, would you put these in the mail for me tomorrow?

Yeah.

You won't forget?

No, I won't forget because I'm going

to wear this jacket tomorrow, and this lump

here is going to bother me.

I'll get it.

Laura.

Rob, I'd like to see Rob.

Rob.

Hi Jerry.

Hi.

What can I do for you?

You know what.

Waldo and Jim are waiting outside,

and they want you to join and help us do the job

that we have to do.

Jerry, Gilbert Bester is not ruining this community.

Jerry, why did you come over here?

Rob made himself quite clear at the meeting last night.

Honey, I can talk for myself.

Jerry, why did you come over here?

I made myself perfectly clear at the meeting last night.

You just said that.

I didn't, she did.

Look, Jerry, if you think that Rob

and I are going to become a part of your vigilante committee--

Honey, I can talk for myself Jerry,

if you think we're going to become a part of your--

Then you are very much mistaken Jerry.

And Furthermore--

Honey, please. and furthermore--

And Furthermore you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I'm sorry.

I didn't come here for a lecture.

We're not trying to give you a lecture.

Stereo, yes.

Jerry, how dare you trespass on a man's

property simply because you don't

like the looks of his lawn?

We don't care what his lawn looks like.

But, we do care that it's all crabgrass.

He happens to like the looks of crabgrass.

Then let him grow it inside the house.

Then the weeds won't infect our lawn.

Now, look Rob, we're going over there

and we're going to k*ll his crabgrass,

and nobody's going to stop us.

Jerry, that is vandalism.

It's not vandalism.

We are not going to poison one blade of acceptable grass.

You haven't got any right to poison anything.

Ethically, legally, or morally.

It's undemocratic.

Is it Democratic for one guy to allow sub 43 lawns?

Jerry, look just because I don't like

that button there on your coat.

What's wrong with it?

Well, let's just say it offends me, all right?

Now, do I have a right to walk up to you and rip it off you?

Huh?

Legally, morally, ethically, do I have

any right to walk up and yank--

Did you see that?

Jerry, why did you do that?

Well, that was a reflex action.

Yeah.

All right, you go rip up a guy's lawn.

He's liable to have a reflex action

to come over smash a couple of your windows,

or a couple of noses on your face.

Listen, it just so happens that some people

don't care what happens to our neighborhood!

We care very much what happens.

Now just a second honey, look.

But, we're not going to run around act like a bunch of--

We care very much what happens.

We're not going to run around looking like a bunch of--

I don't know what!

Well, I'd rather be an I don't know what than a weasel!

A weasel?

Yeah! Come on, let's go guys!

Let's go!

Why don't you guys put hoods on your heads?

You're a bunch of--

He's an anarchist, that's what he is.

He's an anarchist. - That's it!

You're an anarchist! A stupid anarchist!

Who? Who?

Your husband, that is who.

That's is not a nice thing to say about your neighbor.

He is no neighbor of mine.

What is that?

It's a small shovel.

What's he talking about?

Jerry called Rob a weasel because Rob

refused to go out there--

I would call anybody that is going

to do what he and his stupid friends are about to do.

Well, I was just about to join Jerry and his stupid friends.

All right, then that goes for you too!

- Oh! - Why don't you hurry up.

Get down the street there.

You'll miss all the fun.

Well, you live next door to people

and you think you know them.

Oh!

Where all those invitations?

I just changed my mind.

No you didn't Rob.

Remember what you said about the lines of communication?

Well, let's keep them open.

All right, all right.

I'll send it.

But, I just hope they have the common decency,

and good judgment to stay home.

So do I.

I'll tell you who this Gilbert Bester is.

Nobody likes him.

He's an arrogant son of a g*n.

He's anti-social.

But, it doesn't give anybody an excuse to take

things into their own hands.

What did Jerry and the posse do to with his lawn?

You mean what did Bester's doberman

pinschers do to the posse?

Did they protect those weeds.

[laughter]

Rob, well you see, it evened out after all.

Justice triumphs.

Well, the thing that hurt was he never

answered my dinner invitation.

Well, maybe they couldn't come because it

was a sit down dinner.

Yeah.

What is that?

Well, maybe the doberman's pinched

them in their sit downs.

What have you got for me?

Hatred.

Now, we've got some nice things for you.

I brought a coat there.

Mel, it's ripped.

Laura tried to sow it up.

Oh, I can fix it for you Mel.

Oh, you don't have to.

The wardrobe girls have volunteered.

Oh, by the way, Alan wants to see you in his office

right away.

He needs some big jokes for the monologue.

Why don't you volunteer?

You're the biggest joke around here.

Enough already.

No, no let him go.

Let him go.

The more he says, the closer he comes to a cauliflower nose.

As long as you've got a cauliflower you

can put it on top of your head.

Hey, you have a little vegetation up there anyway.

Oh yeah, let-- no leave me alone!

I [inaudible]

[music playing]

I'll mail it.

2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12.

You know, if he really wanted to make up,

he could have walked across the front lawn

and rang the doorbell.

Jerry.

And I'm not going.

It wouldn't k*ll you if you walked across his front lawn,

you know. - Hey, you know what'd he do?

He'd probably call the cops and have

me arrested for trespassing.

Well, at least he's making an attempt to make up.

What do you mean?

You call sending us a last minute dinner

invitation trying to make up?

The party's tonight, Saturday night.

He sent this thing on Friday afternoon from downtown.

He was planning for it to arrive late.

Then it came in time, didn't it?

What do you mean in time?

It came this afternoon.

What does he think, we have nothing

to do on Saturday nights?

We don't.

What do you call counting pennies?

You know, he might be trying to make

up for not inviting us to that thing they gave last week.

Yeah, last week he had Alan Brady

and his show business friends.

But, we don't fit into his classy group.

Well, how do you know he won't have

his classy friends tonight too?

Because he doesn't have any more classy friends.

Well, just forget about ironing that

dress because we're not going!

Jerry, he is at least making an attempt to make up.

And all you're doing is sulking, and acting like a anarchist.

An anarchist?

2, 4, 6--

Will you stop with the pennies?

I cannot live next door to my best

friend and not talk to her.

Besides, she owes me $0.51 for plastic forks.

Here.

There, now you're all even.

We're not going.

I am going to that dinner party

tonight whether you go or not.

I am going to wear my new dress, and my new shoes.

And I'll tell you something else, Dr. Helper,

I'm going to have fun.

No you're not because I'm going with you.

OK.

I'm going to go even though I don't want to go.

OK.

I'm going because I'm hungry.

OK.

What do we wear to this party?

Well, it's a sit down dinner.

So, I guess we're supposed to dress up.

Well, I'm not going to wear my best suit.

OK.

He has one word, one insult out of his mouth

and I'm going to--

He didn't ask you over to insult you.

Now, will you take a cold shower and stop steaming?

You want me to stop steaming?

Then let me count my pennies.

2, 4, 6, 8--

- 32. - 32.

44.

46.

Ah, come on Millie!

All right, let's go.

[sneezes]

Most ridiculous way to spend a Saturday night I've

ever heard of.

You know what this is?

This is stupid!

Just plain stupid.

Well, you're the one that suggested this project.

That just makes it more stupid.

If there's anything I hate it's sanding.

I don't mind handling, I don't mind painting,

I don't mind sawing.

But, I hate sanding.

I just puts my teeth on in.

Bless you.

Hey, when's dinner?

- Any time you say. - Now.

Let's have it right now. - You got it.

What do you got in the house?

Cheese, eggs, canned soup, and two black bananas.

Let's eat out.

Those were my plans.

Come on Darling, it'll be fun.

Oh yeah, fun.

What's the matter with you?

You've been acting this way all day long.

Well, mostly it's Jerry.

I figured he probably would have made

some move to apologize by now.

It's been two weeks.

Well, it wouldn't k*ll you if you made a move, you know.

I made my move.

I invited him to dinner, he didn't even have the decency

to answer my invitation.

Well, he probably felt that a written

formal invitation was to cold.

It my fault. I didn't even think about it--

Watch it.

At least we've made an overture.

He didn't even make a squeak in our direction.

Hey, maybe they didn't get their invitation.

Honey, I mailed them all at the same time.

All right, let's just forget about it for tonight

and go out and have a nice, quiet dinner.

I don't feel like getting all dressed up.

No, we don't have to get dressed.

We can go to Nina's.

RITCHIE: You gonna get a sitter for me?

Yes dear.

I'll call Billy and he's going to come over.

He can teach me how to belch!

Ritchie.

He can do it any time he wants.

Rob, will you speak to him please?

Rich, that's not a very polite thing.

Billy says that in China if you don't burp after a meal,

they think you hated the dinner.

Yeah, but we're not in China now.

Well, maybe someday we'll go.

And I want to be polite.

Look Rich, that's enough.

Look, we'll have Billy over.

You're going to have to find some other game to play.

OK.

I was just thinking.

Do you think you might like to call Jerry and see

if they want to eat with us?

No, I don't think I'd like to call them.

And I know that I don't want to eat with Jerry ever again!

Come on, let's go get Billy.

We'll be right back.

Let me brush you off, you're all linty.

Oh, come on.

They're lucky we're showing up all together.

Well listen, they sent us a formal invitation.

Here, you do me.

The least we can do is be neat.

Listen, we're neat enough.

Come on, we don't have to be lint free.

Wait a minute.

Where are you going?

Right in this little area right here.

Oh, honey.

Let's take them a bottle of champagne.

No, no.

They're getting us, we don't have to give them gifts too.

Well, it's not a gift.

It's more like a peace offering.

You go get me a piece of gold wrapping paper.

No.

Any more gifts, or dressing, or brushing

and the food will be gone.

Come on, I'm starving.

Let's go.

[burp]

RITCHIE: That was a good one, Billy!

[doorbell rings]

No more, Billy. That may be my mom.

I'll be right back.

Hi Ritchie.

Hi uncle Jerry.

Is anybody here yet?

Billy's here.

Oh, Billy's who?

Billy Quibley.

Billy the belcher?

Well, that's what he's known as.

Hey Ritchie, are we the first ones here?

Yeah, I guess so.

And you wouldn't let me wrap the champagne.

The dinner's for 8:00.

It's 8:30 already.

Are your mother and daddy dressed yet?

Yeah, they're dressed.

Well, you go play with Billy, and we'll sit here and wait.

OK.

Who else is coming Ritchie?

I don't know.

Gee, the place is so quiet.

I wonder why everybody's so late.

What are you looking for?

I don't know.

An olive, a potato chip, cream cheese.

Anything edible.

Why don't you wait until Laura offers.

Because by that time I won't have the strength to chew.

I am starving.

Oh, there.

The goodies must be stashed right here.

Oh, Jerry don't.

Laura probably covered that for a reason.

Well sure, she covered it to keep the flies out,

not the guests. - Now come on Jerry, don't.

She probably fussed and wants everybody to--

Everybody to see what?

A can of varnish?

What is this, some kind of a joke?

Well, I don't know.

Laura doesn't play jokes like that.

Well, I wouldn't put it past Rob.

Oh, come on now.

You're the practical joker, not Rob.

All right, then where are they?

Well, I wonder.

Laura? - Hey Rob?

Laura?

Rob, you in there?

She's not in here.

Nobody's in there.

Hey Ritchie, will you come out here please?

Where do you suppose they are?

I don't know, but I'm going to find out.

Hey, did you call me uncle Jerry?

Yes Ritchie. I'd like to talk to you.

OK.

Hey listen, where are your mother and father?

- They went out. - Out?

Where?

I don't know, they just left.

- You see that? - Well now, come on.

Don't jump to conclusions.

Ritchie, are they coming back?

Oh, sure.

You see.

Well, how do you know they're coming back?

They have to.

They live here.

Ritchie, where did they go?

I don't know.

Well, what did they say?

They said that I shouldn't let Billy teach me how to belch.

Did they say anything about Jerry and me?

Oh, yeah.

Daddy said that he didn't want to eat with Jerry ever.

Oh, well.

Thank you, Ritchie.

Now, you go back and study with Billy.

OK.

You're grinding your teeth.

If it isn't the dirtiest trick I have ever heard of.

Inviting you to dinner, getting dressed up,

and then sneaking out.

Well come on, they wouldn't do a thing like that.

They wouldn't, huh?

Then just tell me where they are.

Tell me!

Well, are you sure we got the right night?

Right night. Here, let me show you.

See this? See?

You're invited, here, you're invited to a dinner

party this Saturday night.

Not next Saturday, or two Saturdays from now,

but this Saturday.

Oh, there must be some explanation.

There is, there is. Rob warned me.

He said I'd rue the day if I went over to Bester's lawn.

Well, I'm rueing the day.

Now, come on let's go.

Where are we going?

We're going to find the closest restaurant and feed me.

And then after that, we're going to come back here and never

talk to these people again!

You live next door to people, you think you know them.

Boy oh boy, does that smell good.

And I am starved.

Oh boy.

- Wait a minute. - What?

- That's mine. - Huh?

You had the extra garlic.

Oh.

Can I have this bunch of yours?

Oh, no.

Huh?

I can't?

Look who just came in.

Where?

Why couldn't they eat at home?

Please.

We should have stayed home and eaten the bananas.

No, we should have done what I suggested,

call them and ask them to come along with us.

That would not help anything.

They'd still be sitting here ruining my dinner.

Rob, why don't you go over there and ask them to join us?

Are you kidding?

No, I'm not Rob.

Look, we got to talk to them sometime.

This is our opportunity.

I am not going to apologize to him.

You don't have to apologize.

Just go over there and ask them to join us.

What good is that going to do?

Well, it'll open up negotiations.

Who knows, he might even apologize to you.

I hope you're right.

Oh Rob, aren't going?

I'm going to have one little bite of spaghetti

because if I am rejected, I'm going to be too upset to eat.

Sends you a written invitation,

you get all dressed up, you go to a party and nobody's there.

Jerry, how many times are you going to repeat that?

Get all dressed up, go over to their house, you walk in.

Empty.

Boy, before I never talk to him again,

I'd like to tell him off for good.

Rob.

Yeah Rob, of course--

Hi there.

Who there?

Rob! - Hi.

I saw you sitting over here and I

thought maybe you hadn't eaten.

You thought we hadn't eaten.

Well yeah, have you?

You know darn well we haven't eaten.

How would I know that?

How would you--

Millie, will you tell him to get out of here before I

do something I'll be sorry for.

Rob, will you get out of here before Jerry does something

he'll be sorry for.

Listen Jerry, I think you're sick.

I'm sick?

Yeah, and childish.

Chi-- Just one thing.

Did you or did you not send us this dinner invitation

to come over to your house? - Of course I sent--

That's all I want to know.

That's all I want to know.

Millie, will you please tell him to get out of here.

Rob get out of here.

Oh boy, I'll get out of here.

Since you brought up that invitation,

I'd just like to thank you for coming to our party.

Party?

Millie, Millie, tell him to get out of here before he

gets a bread stick up his nose.

Rob, get out of here before you

get a bread stick up your nose.

I'll go just as soon as I am finished.

About that invitation, I want you to know

that I didn't want to send it.

It was Laura's idea to send it.

Laura?

Oh yes, I didn't want to do it.

She talked me into--

Hi g*ng, what's the big discussion?

Is what Rob just said now true?

What's that?

It was your idea to send that invitation?

Well, yeah.

It kind of was.

I sort of insisted.

You insisted?

Yeah.

Jerry, tell her to get out of here before I

do something I'll be sorry for.

Laura, I think you better get out of here.

- Come on, let's go. - Wait a minute.

I don't know what's been going on here,

but I would like to say a few things.

They want you get a bread stick up your nose.

I don't care!

Well, I don't.

I think you ought to know something.

Rob was against sending that invitation to you,

but I insisted.

But now I'm sorry I sent it.

You're sorry you sent it?

You don't know how sorry I am.

I think it's one of the stupidest

things I've ever done.

Then you-- you do think it was a stupid thing?

Well, let's just say this Jerry,

I will never send you another one like it

and you can bet on that.

You mean that?

Oh, you bet she means it.

Well OK.

OK what?

We accept your apology.

You accept our--

Yes, and we forgive you.

You forgive us?

You bet we do.

Well, we were both being very stubborn.

And I'm happy to see that you took the first step

to clear the air.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait just a minute, Jerry.

Little misunderstanding [inaudible]

It certainly is, darling.

And I think it's the kind of misunderstanding

we should try very hard not to clear up for a little while.

Well, because for the first time in two weeks, the four of us

are actually talking to each other

and I'm kind of enjoying it.

I feel like crying.

It's nice seeing you here.

Hello.

All right.

Look, why-- Why don't we all sit down, have dinner,

and over dessert we'll try to figure out

what we've been talking about here

and why we're friends again.

Want to? - Sure.

Waiter.

Listen, come on over and join us at our table.

Wait, would you rather us join you?

Oh, no, fine.

We'd rather sit at your table.

Yeah, cause after all, you do owe us a meal.

We owe you a meal.

- Of course. - The invitation.

You remember.

We sent you an invitation and we owe you--

Darling, we said we'd work on that after desert, remember?

That's right.

OK.

All right, let's all start fresh from the beginning shall

we?

Waiter.

We'd like a table for four, for two parties of two.

You know, if they had an Olympic belching team,

he'd be on it.

He'd be the Captain.

Well, do you think you two are sufficiently

friendly again to discuss Gilbert

Bester and his crabgrass?

All this and we are going to leave Mr.

Bester and his crabgrass be.

You finally came around to my way of thinking.

Well, I came around to your way of thinking,

and I convinced him how wrong he was.

Well Jerry, how come I couldn't convince you?

Well, she said the thing that seemed to make sense.

What was that Millie?

Well, I told him he had no right to trespass.

Well, I said that 100 times Jerry.

Yeah, but did you thr*aten to make him sleep in the den?

Hey you want a bread stick?

[music playing]