04x05 - The Man from 'Emperor'

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hi there. What you doing?

Hi.

Take a seat.

He's waiting for a haircut.

What does that mean?

Well, it's the only place I ever get to read that magazine,

is in a barbershop.

- Now we now. - Know what?

Why you didn't want to have lunch with us.

You said you had a lot of work to do.

Ha-ha.

And for a magazine.

Some work.

Hey, it is work, looking at the pictures

of all those pretty girls, reading

how those bachelors live it up.

It's a tough job for a married man

to keep from k*lling himself.

You guys think it would hurt my reputation any to be

associated with this magazine?

Well, depends on how you look in a bikini.

Drew Patton wants me to be a consultant

in the humor section.

Drew Patton, the emperor himself?

You know something?

I don't understand guys like him.

What's to understand?

He got an overactive thyroid.

You know, the funny thing about that guy

is that during college, we all felt sorry for him.

He was a bookworm, one of those real loners.

I don't think the guy had a date through the whole four years.

He was saving it up.

You know, I don't think he does half the things

they print about him.

Well, I don't think they print half the stuff he does.

Well, I think it's disgusting.

Oh, come on, buddy.

We can't sit in judgment on how another man lives.

No, I just think it's disgusting I

don't live that way.

Oh.

Well, I guess it's best not to get involved

in a deal like this, though.

[phone ringing]

Well, depends on how involved you want to get.

Hello?

Oh, hey, speak of the devil, and I use the term advisedly.

Drew Patton? SALLY: Oh.

That's my appointment. Send him in.

Send him in.

Why didn't you tell me he was coming?

Look at the way I'm dressed.

What's wrong with the way you're dressed?

That's it!

I'm dressed!

Hey, Rob, can we stay?

Yeah, why don't you stay and meet him?

OK.

Hope he brings some samples, huh?

For you?

Hi, Drew.

- Hey, Rob. - How are you?

Have you been reading my magazine?

Yeah.

Well, that's how I am.

I'd like you to meed a couple of my collaborators here.

That's Sally Rogers. - How do you do?

- My pleasure. - Oh.

And Buddy Sorrell.

I admire your work.

Well, I admire your luck.

My luck?

Boy, what a job, just going around the country,

finding beautiful girls.

Oh, well, they find me.

You see, the problem in this kind of business

is finding the right men.

Well, it looks like we're kind of in the same business.

Wanna merge?

What do you say, Rob?

Let's have our little talk, and then we can grab some lunch.

Well, tell you the truth, Drew, you're so late,

we're due at a staff meeting.

Why don't we make it for dinner tonight?

Well, let me call Laura and see if we can get a babysitter.

You-- you want to bring your wife?

Well, yeah, you know?

Well, this is strictly business, Rob.

Yeah.

Well, I better call and see if she's started dinner, anyway.

Boy, I knew you'd get married, but I never

thought you'd get that married.

Just consider it I am not that married.

You're kidding.

He's so married, when he walks into a room alone, they say,

here's Rob and Laura Petrie.

Hey, I just called to see if you started dinner yet.

Why?

Well, Drew Patton's here, and he wanted to discuss

that deal I told you about.

Oh?

Well, I thought you decided you didn't want to have anything

to do with that magazine.

No, honey, that was you who didn't.

Look, couldn't you discuss it at the office or here at home?

Honey, it's too complicated.

And all I asked you was, did you start dinner yet or not?

Did I start dinner?

Is that why you called, darling?

ROB (ON PHONE): Yeah.

Oh, well, all I can say is that

there is a seven-pound roast beef in the oven, cooking.

Does that answer your question?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Just a second.

Drew, she's got a seven-pound roast in the oven.

No kidding.

Well, we learn something new every day.

Well, there's no harm done.

We can swing tomorrow night. - OK.

Honey, that's OK.

Drew and I will sw-- uh, go out tomorrow night.

Listen, I have a better idea.

Why don't you bring him home tonight, see?

And then, that way, you can have a nice dinner,

and you won't have to go to all the trouble

and bother of going out with him tomorrow night.

Just a second.

Drew, would you consider coming to our house for dinner?

DREW: You know, that might be fun.

You can see how the other 9/10 live.

OK, if you let me provide the dessert.

You got it.

Honey, Drew says OK, only he wants to bring dessert.

Oh.

Well, fine.

That'll be a help.

Bye, darling.

ROB (ON PHONE): Bye, honey.

Oh boy.

How do you entertain the king of self-indulgence?

You better get a move on. You're late.

Drew's gonna be here any minute.

I'd be just as happy if he didn't show up at all.

Honey, you're lying.

What?

You're out to make a big impression on Mr. Patton.

I am not.

Yeah?

Then what are you wearing that whoopee dress for?

This isn't a whoopee dress from.

It's years old.

Yeah, but it still works.

Give me a kiss.

You really think I put this on to impress him?

Yeah, he's got a book full of beauties.

You want to show him I got a house full of beauties.

[doorbell rings] - Oh, oh.

Honey, just relax.

Drew's a regular guy.

I'm relaxed.

Hi, Drew.

Hey, Rob.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Drew, I'd like you to meet--

Don't say it.

Don't say it.

Don't say what?

Don't say that she's your wife.

ROB: Well, she is.

Darn.

I thought I had Miss October.

Well, say thank you, honey.

You just got a compliment.

Oh, thank you.

How are you, Drew?

- I'm fine, thank you. - Would you like to sit down?

I'd love to.

Oh, how about a drink?

Fine.

Anything, on the rocks.

OK.

What a sweet place.

Very sweet.

Thank you.

You know, Laura, of course, why I'm here tonight.

To discuss the humor department of your magazine?

That's right.

Well, how do you feel about Emperor magazine?

You really want an honest opinion?

DREW: Sure.

Well, I feel pretty much the way Rob does.

The writing in that magazine is so good that you really

don't need all those pictures.

Rob, you don't like to look at those pictures?

He certainly does not.

I'm sorry, Drew.

I'm afraid my wife's a little old fashioned.

Well, thank you.

They're the best kind to have.

Oh, you approve of an old-fashioned wife?

If, for some crazy reason, a man thinks he has to have one,

you're the best kind to have.

Thank him.

Thank him.

Oh, that was another one.

That's another one.

Thank you.

Well, Drew, haven't you ever found a girl

you'd like to settle down with?

Oh, Rob, every day of my life.

LAURA: Well, then how come you've

never married one of them?

Because if I did, every husband in America

would be upset.

Oh, that's a cutie.

Thank you.

Well, why upset?

I'd be a fallen idol.

Every guy in America gets vicarious

kicks out of the way I live.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

You do?

Yeah.

You get vicarious kicks out of the way he lives?

Oh, no, I'm--

I see what-- what he means about them.

But I didn't mean-- guys who-- you know,

who like that kind of a thing.

Do you-- do you believe him, Laura?

Of course I believe him.

Rob's never given me any reason not to.

If Rob says that he doesn't envy the kind of life

that I lead, he's one of two things.

He's either a liar, or he's scared.

No, I don't think he's either one of those things.

DREW: Oh.

In that case, he's dead.

Why don't you try normal man who is happily married?

Because those two things don't go together.

Well, in him, they do.

DREW: I'm afraid I can't accept that.

Why not?

Because you've been doing all the talking.

Rob hasn't said a word.

Oh.

Well, darling--

Boy, it's-- I agree with her, boy.

Every guy-- every guy envies the kind of life I lead.

Can you deny that, Rob?

Rob, aren't you going to deny that?

Yeah.

Right after dinner.

Why-- why after dinner?

Well, I'd like to deny it in such a way that I don't make

Laura mad, and I save a little self-respect for myself,

and Drew doesn't think I'm a sissy, you know?

Let's eat.

Well, you will admit that you're

more apt to be drawn into my way of life than I am into yours.

Well, then why don't you just say that all married men

are basically unhappy?

I try to avoid the obvious.

Obvious?

don't you realize that statistics prove that 70--

Hey, fellas, look. Wait a minute.

Whoa.

Now, this is like talking about politics and religion.

It just--

Yeah, yeah, truce, truce, Laura.

And I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to ruin this perfectly delightful meal.

- You didn't ruin anything. - I did.

I was supposed to have the dessert sent over,

and it's not even here yet.

Now if it does come, I won't be able to eat it anyway.

Well, hey, what about our business meeting?

We never got around to it.

Oh yeah.

Where did the night go?

Listen, why don't you come to my place for dinner tomorrow

night?

I'll have Felicia fix us up some cracked

crab or something like that, and we can work undisturbed.

It's all right for Rob to go, isn't it, Laura?

Well, I--

You don't have to check with her.

You can ask me.

Oh, well, it is all right, then?

Of course it's all right.

Isn't it, honey?

Well, I was hoping that you would

help me rehang those drapes.

Well, honey, the drapes will have to wait.

I'll be there. - Good.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that must be the kid with the cherries flambe now.

Hi.

Is this Mr. Petrie's house?

DREW: Come on in, Laura?

Laura?

Yeah, her name is Laura too.

She's our assistant dessert editor, and formerly

Miss April of 1960.

1960?

She still looks good.

DREW: Rob, '60 was a great year.

Where can I put this?

Well, Mrs. Petrie will show you.

I'd love to stay, Laura, but I have to run to the airport.

I have to see some beauty contest winners.

Rob, I'll see you tomorrow.

And if you're a good, good boy, I

will introduce you to Miss Copenhagen,

if it's all right with you, Laura.

Sure. The more, the merrier.

Not you.

Her name is Laura too.

Bye, Lauras.

Bye.

We'll see you.

My wife's name is Laura too.

Hi, Laura.

Hi.

Well.

Well, where shall I put this?

Oh, I'll take that.

Here we are.

Where should she put this, honey?

Well, I-- on the table, I guess.

Uh, put-- put it on the table.

OK.

You know, darling, I really don't feel like having

any dessert tonight.

Oh, you've gotta have some!

I brought it all the way from the club.

Now, you sit here, Mr. Petrie.

OK.

In the emperor's chair.

And Laura, you can sit over there.

Thank you.

Well, honey, she came all the way up here with.

At least we ought to try it.

Would you light it?

Oh, OK.

Where shall I light it?

Right here.

Oh, sandpaper.

Oh, there.

Whoo!

Wow.

Isn't this fun?

Whoopee.

After the flaming sl*ve girl left last night,

it took me four hours to convince her

that just going to Drew Patton's office wasn't gonna corrupt me.

Yeah.

Well, maybe she's afraid today's dessert

will have a bigger flame.

Well, today's meeting will be the first and the last one.

Even if I wanted to do a humor column, I haven't got the time.

Hey, Rob, there isn't much money in writing

jokes for a magazine, is there?

- No. - Who cares?

I work for the desserts.

So I've noticed.

Hey, Rob, if you don't want the job,

why are you going over there?

Drive his wife crazy.

Oh, come on.

I'm going to thank an old college friend

for his offer, that's all.

Yeah, but you could have told him that on the phone.

What? And miss a dessert?

Oh, will you cut it out with that desert stuff?

Look, I'm going over there to give him what

help I can give him is all.

Yeah, and maybe get yourself a little dessert.

Oh, cut that.

Hey, bring me back some cheesecake.

Hey, Rob, you really quite interested

what goes on in the emperor's palace, aren't you?

Look, you guys, let me say something seriously.

I think, for a man to properly evaluate

and appreciate what he has, he should

examine what he doesn't have.

And I think I should too.

[music playing]

[doorbell buzzes]

Yes?

SAM (ON SPEAKER): Mr. Patton, Mr. Robert

Petrie is here to see you.

Thank you, Sam.

Send him in, please.

Come on in, Rob.

Excuse me.

Some receptionist room you'd have out there.

I don't care what people look like.

I hire them because they happen to be the best in their field.

Sit down.

Oh, thanks.

Boy oh boy, this is some layout you've got.

Well, it's a place to get mail.

Can I offer you a drink?

Well, I could use a cup of coffee.

Oh, fine.

Pot of coffee, please.

SAM (ON SPEAKER): Yes, Mr. Patton.

Oh, that feels good.

This guy's got a great pair of hands, Rob.

- Oh. - Let him work on you.

Abdullah.

Hey, Rob, how does this layout to you?

Well, I-- uh-- wait.

Yeah.

Ooh, that's great.

That's-- that's fine.

He doesn't understand English.

How do you turn him off?

[non-english]

You know, that is the ugliest woman I ever saw.

Like I say, Rob, I don't care what people look like,

as long as they do their job.

That's a good idea.

Come in, dear.

How would you like your coffee?

Well, whatever takes the longest.

Thank you.

It is my pleasure.

[whistles]

Rob, that girl makes the greatest little cup

of coffee in America.

You can tell that.

Hey, look, Drew, about my taking over the humor sections--

[knocking on door] - Yeah?

Greatest little pencil sharpener in America, huh?

Can you do better than that?

[laughs]

What are you laughing at?

You know, Laura and I must be a real challenge to you.

You think all of this is just for you?

Well, I know one thing. You're a businessman.

You're not gonna hire a girl like that just

to pencil sharpen.

That girl out there happens to be the greatest

stenographer in the city.

Oh, sure.

Would you like to give her some dictation?

She can take 130 words a minute.

Yeah, sitting on my lap, I'll bet, huh?

Florence, come in here.

And bring your pad, would you, please?

Oh, hey, that's kind of silly. DREW: No, no, no, no.

You challenged me.

Come on in, dear.

Come in.

Now, would you show Mr. Petrie how fast you are, hm?

I feel a little silly.

I don't even know what to say.

Well, let's see.

We the people, in order to form a more perfect union,

establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility,

and provide for the common defense,

promote the general welfare--

am I going too fast?

Not really.

Well, what was the last sentence there?

The last one you said or the last one I wrote?

The last one you wrote.

Promote the general welfare and secure the blessing

of liberty to ourselves and our posterity,

ordain and establish this Constitution for the United

States of America.

Well, I didn't go that far.

I assumed that's where you were going.

You weren't planning on making any changes, were you?

No, no.

It's fine the way it is.

Thank you, Florence.

That'll be all.

Shall I type that up for you?

Oh, no, no.

That won't be necessary.

They have a copy in Washington.

Well, Robert, you want to apologize?

I apologize.

Boy, is she fast.

And she's all yours.

What, mine?

You'll need a secretary when you work here.

Look, Drew, I thank you very much.

But I don't think-- [doorbell buzzes]

Yes?

SAM (ON SPEAKER): Mr. Patton, the girls are ready for you.

- Oh, thank you. - Girls?

What girls?

Well, Rob, you're gonna have to help

me break a girl's heart.

I am?

How?

DREW: There are 12 months in a year, right?

Yeah.

How's that gonna break a woman's heart?

DREW: Well, I've got 13 prospective sl*ve girls out

here.

One of them has got to go, the poor kid.

And you're gonna have to help me pick the loser.

You don't mind if we use your office, do you?

Isn't this your office?

No, this is your office, if we clinch the deal.

Oh, I see.

This is my office, and that and speedy little beauty

out there is my secretary.

Uh-huh.

Send them in.

And the salary isn't bad either.

Oh yeah, salary too.

Don't forget the coffee.

Oh, the coffee's great.

Oh, come in, ladies.

Come in.

Thank you.

Come right around this way.

Good.

How are you today?

Come right around here.

Thank you so much.

Right down here, girls.

Thank you.

Thank you.

This, Rob-- this is Mr. Petrie.

He's one of our editors.

Well, no, actually, I'm not an editor.

We were-- I was just down here talking to Mr.

Patton about the possibility--

what am I supposed to do?

You pick the one you don't like.

Yeah, I don't think she's here.

Well, we don't-- we don't have to make a snap decision.

You know, we'll just spend a little time with them.

You'll chat with them.

And then we'll compare notes, OK?

You start over there. I'll start over here.

- OK. - Hello, dear.

How are you?

Hey, let's-- let's go together.

What-- are you afraid?

No, I'm not afraid.

It is just that--

oh, Miss Finland.

Would you step out here, dear?

Lovely country.

Have you been there?

No, no, I haven't been there.

My wife-- I'm married to my wife, and she's--

Oh, your wife has been there.

No, she hasn't.

My wife's mother and father--

Oh, her parents have been there.

No, her parents live next door to some people

who are from there.

Johansson is their name.

Johansson is a Swedish name.

Oh, that's right.

There's Miss Sweden.

We were having the wrong conversation.

I'm terribly sorry.

Did you see the vikings?

They were wonderful.

Sebelius-- I love the music.

Miss Sweden, sorry.

I, uh-- my wife's mother and father

live next door to Sebelius--

[stammers] Oh, look there.

Miss France.

Comment ca va?

Miss Lebanon, I know Danny Thomas.

Did you know Danny Thomas?

[music playing]

Hm.

4 o'clock.

Mm.

I am so tired.

But I'm hungrier than I am sleepy.

I wonder if I can eat in my sleep.

Oh boy.

Good old garbanzo beans and fried chicken.

Boy, I'll hate myself in the morning.

It isn't bad, though.

I'll be on Laura's side, at least.

Boy, 4 o'clock.

Where did the night go?

(SINGING) Where did the night go?

How did it get away from me?

It slipped through my fingers like a fool on a madcap spree.

Tell me, where did the night go?

No, you tell me.

Where did it go?

I'm sorry, honey.

Did I wake you up? - No.

No, no.

I was just in there reading a book.

I called and told you I was gonna be late.

Yeah, yeah, except it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

It's 4:00, honey.

Why did I say that?

Now you're an hour madder.

I'm not mad.

Don't tell me you're gonna eat now.

Well, yeah, I'm hungry.

Gee, I thought you'd be stuffed from all

the wine, and grapes, and roast suckling pig you probably had.

Honey, the emperor and I were much too busy to eat.

What were you so busy with?

Are you checking on me?

No, no.

I'm not checking, darling.

I just wondered why it would take you so

long to judge a beauty contest.

Oh, I see.

That's it.

You thought I was enjoying myself, huh?

Well, weren't you?

Well, yeah.

I did.

I enjoyed looking at all those foreign beauties.

But I also enjoyed solving the problem of the 13th girl, too.

What'd you suggest?

Honey, Miss Sweden is now your new maid.

I'm kidding.

Look, all I did was decide--

we were just gonna swap the 13th girl over into the next year

and make her Miss January.

But the high point of the evening

was coming up with a humor page that was really original.

We were doing it most of the night.

And Drew said I was a genius.

I got a bonus out of it.

He gave you a bonus?

You bet.

You took that job?

Honey, your chin's quivering.

No, it's not.

You took that job, huh?

Hey, wait a minute.

Are you upset?

Why should I be upset?

Well, why should you be?

Because you're only human, Rob.

I mean, a human man just can't work in a place like that

with all those beautiful girls running

around in sl*ve outfits and bathing suits

and making you desserts.

I mean, even a good man like you just has to crumble.

Honey, you can stop crying.

Oh, don't tell me you wouldn't crumble.

Well, you'll never know.

I didn't take the job.

Well, what did--

what you just said about the bonus?

I took the bonus, not the job.

You turned it down?

Yeah.

You know why?

Because you're afraid you'd crumble?

[doorbell rings]

Hello?

Rob, what are you doing?

I'm hugging my wife. What are you doing?

- Writing. - Hey, you see?

I have got it better than you have.

What was that thing you said again

about prison and Disneyland?

Well, it wasn't very profound, Drew.

All I said was that marriage, like a lot of other things,

has boundaries.

And to some guys, those boundaries represent walls.

And that makes marriage a prison to them.

But to other guys, those boundaries hold everything

that's good and fun in life.

That, uh-- that really works for you, huh?

Well, it has up till now. And you know something?

You ought to try it, buddy.

Hey, Rob, put Lauren on, would you?

I'm sorry.

She's taken.

DREW (ON PHONE): I want to ask her something.

OK.

Drew wants to talk to you.

Hello?

Hello, Laura.

You know those things I said about Rob, that he's either

scared, or a liar, or dead?

Yeah.

Well, old Rob is none of those things.

What is he?

He's sick.

He said you were sick.

Sick?

He thinks that you're sick!

Isn't that marvelous?

You know, darling, that was really wonderful, what you

said about marriage containing all the good and fun

things of life.

You liked that, huh?

Darling, at that moment, I was very proud to be your wife.

Good.

Now, let's see that I get all the good and fun

things they have down at Emperor magazine, huh?

Give me salt and massage my back.

Yes, sir.

[music playing]

Get me some coffee, will you, please?

[theme music]