04x06 - Romance, Roses and Rye Bread

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

OK, there you go.

Hey, Marge, would you tell Mel that the monster

sketch is all finished?

Tell Mel he's finished.

All right now.

All right, come on, where's my red pencil?

Dog-- Hey, what's this?

Well, either it's a rose or your red pencil is blooming.

Oh, who put it--

Rob, you did, how sweet of you.

Hey, hold it, I don't know anything about it.

I didn't put it there, honest.

Well, if you didn't, then who did?

Wait a minute, you know, I'm capable of doing

something nice too.

Buddy, you did.

Aw, muah.

No, I didn't.

- Who sent it? - I don't know.

I wish we had thought of it, but we didn't.

I think you've got a secret admirer.

A secret admirer?

Yeah, you know, like those guys who send

a dozen roses to chorus girls.

Yeah, but I'm not a chorus girl.

That's why you only got one.

Was there a note with it, Sal?

I don't think so.

Wait a minute, let me look.

Nope.

No, no.

Maybe there's something written on the stem.

Come on, now, one of you guys sent it, right?

Now, just a second, maybe that rose

was meant for Rob or for me.

Oh, come on, they don't send roses to fellas.

Yeah, that's right, a rose is kind of a sissy flower.

Are there mainly flowers?

Why sure, there's snapdragons, tiger lilies, stinkweed.

Oh, Buddy, come on.

Crab grass, jonquils.

Hey, wait a minute.

This rose does have kind of a manly smell about it.

What is that, Buddy?

Pastrami.

Yeah, that's what it is, it's pastrami.

Well, there's our first clue.

My secret admirer loves pastrami.

Either that or this rose was pollinated by a kosher bee.

Somebody loves me, I wonder who.

(SINGING) La, dah, dah, dah, dum.

I thought you were going into a song.

Come on, Buddy, we don't help her figure this thing out,

we're not gonna get any work done.

Hey, you know something?

Nobody sent that rose, it grew right there in the drawer.

It grew there?

Yeah, one day you were eating sunflower seeds

and you accidentally dropped one right in the corner

where the dirt is and it grew there.

A rose from a sunflower seed?

It's dark in there.

How do they know what they're doing?

Hey, there he is, the guy with enough forehead for four heads.

Look, I don't have any time for your insults.

We can do it later.

How about right after lunch, 3:30?

Rob, Marge said--

How about right after my nap, 4:30?

- The sk-- - 6 o'clock?

The sketch was ready.

Just in time to spoil your dinner.

Mel, Mel, you have a garden, don't you?

It's my hobby.

Do you know anything about that?

Well, yes, it's a rose.

We should have called him earlier.

Well, we might as well finish the other sketch after lunch.

What happened to the sandwiches we ordered?

They ought to be here by now.

Hey, maybe it was some Latin American millionaire,

you know, he had his chauffeur crash in at night

and put the rose in my desk.

- Lunch for the bunch. - Hey, hey.

- Oh, great! - How are you?

How am I?

How should I be?

You should be rich with the prices you charge.

Yeah, sure, well, what other place sends up

the boss with the food?

You call Toots Shor, you don't get Toots Shor.

You call Bert Monker's Delicatessen,

you get Bert Monker.

Hey, maybe Rock Hudson sent it.

Ah, I see my beloved got her rose.

Hey, wait a minute, you know something about that rose?

Well, why shouldn't I know something about the rose?

Bert, why do you always answer a question with a question?

Do I?

Bert, did you say you know about who left the rose here?

Did you see the guy?

It was a little token of love to the Cleopatra of comedy,

from the Caesar of sandwiches; to the Juliet

of jokes from the Romeo of rye.

No?

Don't you know who?

You?

Of course it was me.

Didn't anybody else remember our anniversary?

Anniversary?

Ah, it's not from Rock Hudson.

What is Rock Hudson gonna give you?

Heartache.

Yeah, what do we get from your sandwiches?

Heart burn.

You know, all morning long I've

been trying to figure out what I'm going to wear when I elope.

And it just turns out to be another one of Bert's jokes.

Joke?

You call an anniversary a joke?

Anniversary?

Whose anniversary is it?

Ours, darling.

From the top of the barrel.

Our anniversary?

Exactly one year ago today, this lovely lady

came into my place and whispered these sweet words that

will live forever in my heart.

Pastrami with mustard, please.

How do you remember that?

You're the only one who ever said, please.

Aw.

Oh, the mystery is solved and I

kind of wish the butler did it.

Hey, Sally, you want these guys

to think you don't love me?

Oh, you know I do.

Well, now wait a minute, the anniversary isn't over yet.

I got another present for you.

Oh, what's this?

Probably a free ticket on a salami raffle.

It's a ticket to a play.

One of the customers gave it to me.

My luck, I gotta have such high-class clientele.

Nobody ever gives me a ticket to the ballgame.

Yeah, I know.

I lose my handsome stranger, and I'll wind up going to a play

alone.

"Waiting for an Armadillo?"

That's the title of a play.

Laura and I were talking about that play.

She wants to see it.

It's supposed to be very avant garde.

Avant garde?

That's French for Off Broadway garbage.

Just because it's a little offbeat

doesn't make it garbage.

I understand it's so wild, you can't even

understand the intermission.

Listen, Bert, I hate to take your ticket.

Why don't you go?

Me go?

Well, if it was "South Pacific" maybe, but "Waiting

for an Armor-adillo?"

Come on, Bert, you might like that far out stuff.

Yeah, I saw the New York Mets play five times last year.

That's far out enough for me.

You go, Sally.

All right, Bert, I think I will.

Thank you very, very much.

Don't thank me.

All I have is yours for the asking.

I would gladly give you anything I can.

Well, what can I do for you?

Pay me for the lunch.

OK, fellas, come on.

Your day, Sal.

Your turn.

Just one of my lucky days, right?

There you go, Bert.

And thank you very, very much for the rose.

Did you really like it?

Like it?

I'm gonna take this rose home and crush it between two

pieces of rye bread.

Yeah, I'll-- I'll supply the rye bread.

But I'll see you tomorrow, Sally.

Yeah.

Get it?

Oh, got it.

Bye, Bert.

Bye.

And I thought I had a secret admirer.

Sal, I think you have.

Oh, come on, he's kidding.

That's the story of my life.

I'm surrounded by funny guys.

You know, just once, just once I'd

like to meet a guy who only knew one punch

line, "will you marry me?"

That's a straight line.

I'll take it.

No, I mean it. I mean it.

I don't care, even if he's not in show business

or knows nothing about comedy, he's

a dull, bland, unfunny guy.

Don't just stand there, volunteer.

Hey, Mel, is that our sketch?

Did Alan crumple those?

Yeah, it's Alan's crumple.

Did he crumple those all at once or one at a time?

One at a time.

That's bad.

Now, he wants you to write another sketch,

even if you have to work tonight.

And when you finish it, drop it off at his penthouse.

I'd like to drop you off at his penthouse.

Rob, I know you've heard me say this before, but yuck.

There he goes, the only office boy with a key

to the executive washroom.

Well, I guess I'll call Laura and tell

her to start dinner without me.

I better call Pickles and tell her

to start fighting without me.

Yeah, yeah, listen, and that armadillo had

better not wait for me either.

Why don't you call Laura?

Maybe she'd like the ticket to the play.

Yeah that's a good idea.

Better to call up and say, hey, honey would you

like to see a play, instead of, hey honey

I won't be home for dinner. - Yeah.

[music playing]

Boo!

Who are you?

Who are you?

I'm the person sitting here and you're in the wrong seat.

That's certainly no reason to scare me.

197, that's the number on my seat and on my ticket.

Well, how could you have that seat?

Well, I do.

Where'd you get that ticket?

I got it--

that's none of your business.

And if you don't stop bothering me,

I'm just going to have to call the usher.

I don't-- I'm not blaming you, lady.

They probably sold the same ticket twice.

But when my girl comes, you'll have to get out of that seat.

Because I got 196 and she's got 197.

Sorry.

Lady, would you get up a minute?

This is my seat.

I know, but you're sitting on my rose.

I beg your pardon.

Miss, do you think it would be possible

for me to change my seat?

I'm sorry, ma'am, but every seat is sold.

Yeah, except that--

Sh, sh, it's starting.

[drums sounding]

What are you complaining about?

I had a big evening planned, and I

wind up the next to a stranger holding a crushed rose.

Sh.

Oh, mind your own section.

She's gonna miss the whole thing.

She's gonna miss the overture.

She missed it.

Yes, no, Yes, no.

Is the world ready for me?

I could live without you.

Up, down, yes, no, shall I stay or shall I go?

ACTOR 1: Go!

Good deal.

Lady, where did you get that ticket?

From my husband.

ACTOR 2: Let's wait in the barrel.

ACTOR 3: No, never, we're not allowed in the barrel.

That's where the armor-adillo is.

I can't understand it.

You know, you give a girl a free ticket.

Will you please sh.

I'm trying to hear the actors.

Why?

Up, down, yes, no.

Oh, boy.

Shall I stay or shall I go?

No, no, this time, you stay, I'll go.

ACTOR 1: What have you?

What have you?

I have come with it.

ACTOR 1: And you will die with it.

Bang, bang!

[thud]

What!

Rob, what are you doing in the closet?

I was just putting the typewriter away.

What time did you get home?

Oh, about an hour ago.

How was the play?

The play was pretty bad, but the audience was even worse.

Well, they don't write 'em the way they used to.

There was a man sitting next to me

who would not leave me alone.

What?

That is the last time you ever go out alone.

You're too pretty.

No, I'm not and it wasn't that way at all.

He must have been over 50.

I don't care.

That's the worst kind.

They grab from memory.

Darling, he wasn't a masher.

He was just a big nuisance.

He kept talking all through the whole first scene.

Oh, is that all?

Is that all?

He ruined the play for me.

I didn't hear any of the important dialogue.

It was crazy.

First he said, "boo."

Then he said his girl was supposed

to be sitting in my seat.

He had a rose on my seat, which he took out from under--

A rose?

Yeah.

Hey, did it smell like pastrami?

What?

Honey, what did the guy look like?

Well, what difference does that make?

Just a hunch.

Was he a little short guy, black haired, gray.

Yeah, how'd you know?

I'll bet it was Bert.

Bert who?

Bert Monker.

Whose Bert Monker?

The guy from the delicatessen.

He gave Sally that ticket.

And also he gave her the rose this morning.

Oh, and he expected her to sit there tonight.

Right.

Oh, for heaven's sake, well, no wonder he was so upset.

Well, why didn't he just call Sally and ask

her to go to the play with him.

Oh, I'm sure he was afraid she would turn him down.

And Sally thinks he's joking about it, anyway.

Oh, well, this was no joke, Rob.

He was really disappointed about her not being there.

Was he?

That funny bird.

He's always playing pranks and pretending he loves her.

And the thing is, he's not pretending.

Well, he might just as well be pretending because I

don't think he's Sally's type.

No, he'd be luckier just waiting for an armor-adillo.

That's the guy.

That's the guy, yeah.

Imagine, Bert Monker's serious about me,

and all we ever did was kid around.

Yeah, Pickles and me were kidding around,

that's how we got married.

I found out she wasn't kidding.

What are you gonna do, Sal?

I don't know.

One thing though, let's not order lunch from him today

or ever.

But Bert's got the best chopped liver in town.

Well, what's more important, my life or your liver?

Let me think about that a minute.

Oh, Buddy!

Look, I don't think not ordering

from the guy is going to discourage him any because he

plotted it too carefully, you know,

the rose and the theater ticket.

And the extra mustard.

Look, maybe if I just ignore him, it'll blow over.

I don't think it's gonna blow over.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Bert.

It just blew up.

Yeah.

By gosh, I guess you're right, we did.

Uh, just a second.

He decided we forgot to order lunch.

He's bringing something up.

He's bringing a special sandwich for you.

No.

Hey, look Sal's not here.

Well, she's gone.

Well, she picked up her coat and her hat and took a cab

and went home.

It was just a headache, that's all.

Nothing serious.

Bye.

Hey!

Come back after lunch.

That was a mild headache I gave you.

OK.

How do you like that?

OK, Mr. Henderson, out you go.

You know you're not allowed in here when I feed the fish.

Come on.

There you go.

As for you, Samson, don't swallow

too much water with your food.

You know it makes you burp.

[knocking]

Who is it?

BERT: Romeo.

Bert?

BERT: Do you know any other Romeos?

Oh, boy.

[groans]

Come on in, Bert.

Gee.

I brought you some nice, hot chicken soup because they

told me you went home sick.

Oh.

That's awfully nice of you.

Well, when Juliette is sick, Romeo

climbs the balcony with soup.

Where will I put it?

Uh, over there.

Also, a nice turkey sandwich, all white meat.

Uh, Bert, look, I, uh--

Come on, you sit down and eat.

You sit down and eat because the soup will get cold.

Did the fellas at the office say anything?

No, just that you went home sick.

Well, I'm really not that sick,

I've just got a little headache.

But you didn't have to come way out here, you know?

I would climb mountains, swim oceans, cross deserts for you.

But luckily I only had to take the subway.

It's a little more dangerous than the other three.

Come on, come on, eat, eat.

I can't finish all this.

Well, maybe I'll take half.

Oh, OK, good.

You know something?

In all my years behind the counter,

I never made a full sandwich for myself.

You know, I just nibble all day.

Hey, you know I make a heck of a sandwich.

I know why this tastes good?

Why?

Because I'm sharing it with someone.

When you nibble, you nibble alone.

Uh, Bert, look.

[phone rings]

Uh-uh.

No, the queen will sit here.

Your prince will get it.

Hello, Ms. Rogers' residence.

Who's this?

BERT (ON PHONE): Who's this?

Bert, is that you?

Why shouldn't it be me?

Who are you?

Well, this is Rob Petrie.

I was a little surprised to hear you there.

BERT (ON PHONE): You want to talk to Sally?

Well, yeah, unless you have something

you want to talk about?

No, no.

It's for you, another one of your many admirers.

Thank you, Bert.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Rob.

Sal, are you all right?

SALLY (ON PHONE): Why shouldn't I be?

Well, what's Bert doing there?

Nothing.

Yes, I feel much better.

And Bert was sweet enough to bring me over some hot soup.

Is it embarrassing?

Oh, it certainly is.

It's just what I needed.

Look, Sally, I called to tell you, Alan loved the sketches.

We don't have to do any rewrites on it.

So you don't have to come in again.

I guess now you want to come in though, huh?

You have no idea.

But if you need me, you need me.

I'll get back to the office just as soon as I can.

OK, Rob, bye.

Gotta go to work.

What, you're even working when you're sick?

Well, that's show business.

No, no, no, wait a minute, now you

put that down, you sit here, and you

take out some time for lunch.

And I want to tell you, Sally, if you were any relation to me,

I mean, I mean, a cousin, a sister, a wife,

the first sniffle, one little sniffle,

I'd take you right off to Miami Beach

or a resort of your choice.

You come on and eat now.

You're eating my half.

Oh, sorry.

Thank you.

You know, Sally, we got a lot in common.

We do?

Sure, sure.

We're both big kidders.

You write jokes and I'm always doing jokes.

I joke around so much, a lot of people,

they can't tell when I'm serious.

I'm sure they can.

Can you?

How about that, I'm eating and I forgot the fish.

I've better feed them before I get back to the office.

You know, I just figured out what's wrong with you.

I'm witty and gorgeous, what could be wrong?

You never stumble.

Stumble?

Yeah, stumble.

Like in all the Clark Gable movies,

Claudette Colbert would stumble and hurt her ankle.

And he would run over and she'd lean on him.

And they'd look into each other's eyes

and without saying a word, they'd get married.

I mean, all those big stars, Robert Taylor, Cary Grant,

half of them would never get a girl, unless the girl stumbled.

So what chance does a guy like me got with a sure-foot

like you?

Look, Bert.

No, no, no, no kidding.

I've been coming up to your office a long, long time

and I'm waiting and waiting.

But you never stumble.

I guess I was born with strong ankles.

You want to know something else wrong with you.

What?

You overfeed your fish.

It won't hurt them.

It's a low cal fish food.

You know something, I--

I, uh-- I had a birthday last week.

Oh, really?

Why didn't you tell us?

Well, when a man gets to be my age, he doesn't like to tell.

It's a shock to his system.

Yeah, I know, I had that shock the first time I was 29.

What would you say if I told you I'm 53 years old?

Well, I would say you don't look it.

Thank you.

I'm 49.

Well, I would say you don't look 49.

You know why?

Because I'm 50.

And that's the truth.

Do I look 50?

Well, no matter how old you are, Bert, you don't look it?

You know why?

Because you're young in here.

No, here.

You want to know something?

When a man turns 50, he starts to think of all the girls

who said, "you're a good friend, but--" I got to thinking,

I'd rather get married and make some girl a nice enemy.

Well, I'm sure you'll meet a nice girl, Bert.

That's what always follows "but--"

"you'll meet a nice girl."

See, I'm not too original today.

I just mean a wonderful man like you

with a good business and all, I mean, you've got a lot, Bert.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I, uh--

I got a lot.

I got a dog and you got goldfish.

You see those fish?

They make sounds that we can't hear.

When a fish gets lonely, it lets out a call hoping

another fish will answer.

Where'd you read that?

I didn't, I made it up.

Look, I'm calling now, Sally.

I'm calling now.

And I'm hoping.

Funny, I've written thousands of words of dialogue,

can't come up with a line.

Try, Sally.

Please try.

Look, Bert, just because any two people are lonely,

it doesn't mean if they get together

it will solve everything.

I mean, even certain kinds of fish

aren't happy together in the same t*nk.

What kinds?

I don't know.

But if you're allowed to make up things, so am I.

See what I mean?

I practically trip her and she don't stumble.

Bert, I don't want to stumble into love.

I want a nice, clean fall.

What are we doing making big jokes around here?

I got a business to run.

I got ketchup to water down and prices to raise.

And I got a partner to watch.

And, uh-- Goodbye, Sally.

Bert.

Thank you.

That's a lot better than saying we'll be good friends.

Well, I guess the Mets will probably lose today, too.

Gee, Mr. Henderson, I envy you.

If I had nine lives like you, I'd have given him one of them.

[inaudible]

Hey, Bert.

Hey, Bert.

Hey, here you are.

Here's your chicken salad.

And for you, boiled Virginia ham with mayo.

No, I wanted ham with Virginia Mayo.

Where's Sally?

Hi, fellas.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Bert.

And for Sally, comes a corned beef on rye.

What is everybody staring at?

BUDDY: You got something growing out of your chest.

Oh.

Oh, this.

Did you bring me another rose, Bert?

You want another rose?

Well, I tell you, with the corned beef,

I'd rather have coleslaw.

You got coleslaw and a rose, too.

Bert.

A friend!

I mean, you can't give a rose to a friend?

It's not a fraternity pin.

See you tomorrow.

So long Bert.

See you, Bert.

Uh-oh.

Sal, you're starting all over again.

No, it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says,

"It's better to get a rose from a casual friend

than to get a can of succotash from a hoodlum."

I think we're all agreed on that.

You understand that?

Get out!

[theme music]