04x09 - Three Letters from One Wife

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

NARRATOR: The d*ck Van d*ke Show.

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

What do you think, Mel, huh?

Oh, this toupee seems to have less hair in it

than the old one.

I ordered it that way.

I want to grow bald gracefully, not like you.

Uh, uh, Alan?

What is it? What is it?

What is it?

You, uh, you want my old toupee?

Take it.

[knocking]

Come in.

Hi, Alan, Mel.

Rob.

Hey, Alan. New toupee, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, it's very natural.

You can't tell a thing.

Thank you.

What did you want see me about?

Oh, I wanted to see you about this.

Oh, my "Project Greatness" script.

I'm glad they sent that to you.

Yeah.

Why did they send it to me, and what is "Project Greatness?"

Well, you know, it's on every Sunday, 5:30.

Oh, that culture show where the host wears a vest.

He stands there and says, good afternoon,

ladies and gentlemen.

We're now going to make you smart.

And bored.

Yeah, it's a very stimulating program.

Shut up, Mel.

Yes, sir.

It's only a local show, Alan, but

they're doing wonderful things.

And you suggested that I appear on this program?

Well, I wrote it for them, Al, and they

asked me for the greatest comedy mind in the country.

Yes, and that, of course, is you, Alan.

Mel, let him slice his own baloney, huh?

I think it would be great for you, Al.

Are you kidding?

What's that word on the first page there?

Which is that?

Metamorphosis?

Yeah.

You want me to do a show that has words like that on it?

Well, that's not a dirty word, Alan.

I know that, [inaudible].

But that's a clue.

ROB: A, a clue to what?

That it isn't going to be funny.

Oh, it's not supposed to be funny.

It's not supposed to be funny.

Oh, no.

This is-- this is an analytical exploration of comedy

and of comedians.

You've got to be crazy.

If I went on a turkey like that, they'd run me out of Lyndy's

tied to a stale salami.

Oh, Al-- ALAN: Shut up.

I'm sorry.

Who said, who said?

Oh, well, that was your shut up, Mel.

Uh, see these?

Fan letters.

100 every week, telling me they love me.

Alan, if you do that script, I'll

guarantee you great letters.

Even if you have to write them yourself.

No, Alan, I, I think--

Sure you think.

You sit up there in your ivory tower

with your books and your diplomas

and you think you're smarter than me.

No, I never said that.

Sure you do, and so does Danny Dartmouth here.

- No, Princeton. - What's the difference?

And shut up.

Mel, I'm thirsty.

Oh, you want a drink, Alan?

No, a glass of dust.

Al, I, I thought it would be great for you.

I think it would be too, Alan.

You thought it would be great for me?

Yes.

Nobody asked you, you know, [inaudible]..

So you thought it would be great for me, huh?

Well, you guys know why I'm number one?

Because I know what would be great for me.

You think all this came easy?

20 years of playing every little crummy joint in the country.

Where were you then, Rob?

Well I, I was only--

Sure you were.

You don't like pies in the face, do you, Rob?

I spent half of my life picking meringue out of my nose

and shaking the seltzer out of my ears

because I knew what they wanted.

One little squirt, Rob? See how much fun it is?

Right around the nose? - No, thanks.

No thanks.

And you think that script would be good for me?

Yes, I do, Al, and I'll tell you why.

Because what you just said, I wrote in that script.

What?

Well, the words aren't exactly the same,

but I call it the heart of a clown,

and it states how hard it is to be one.

You're darn right it is.

Alan, you don't have to prove anything

about being a great comedian.

You, you are.

You say you, uh, you wrote what I said in there?

Yeah.

Look, Alan, before you turn it down,

will you at least read it?

I think you should-- I think you should--

I'll shut up.

All right, all right.

I'll read it, no matter what Alice Amber says.

Here, hold this.

I'll read it.

And if you like it?

Well, I'm positive I won't like it, Rob.

Well, um, if you don't hate it?

If I don't hate it, I'll do it.

But just as a favor to you, Rob.

But you know this word here, metamorphosis?

Alan, I could take it out.

No, no, no, it stays, because metamorphosis means change.

And if I do this show and end up in the garbage can,

there's going to be a big metamorphosis around here.

Alan, you won't wind up in the garbage can.

Shut up, Mel. You'll be the first one to go.

Well?

Look, Rob, it's a beautiful piece of writing.

It really is.

But you know Alan.

If he doesn't get a laugh every 10 seconds, he calls the cops

and has the audience arrested.

The thing is, everybody knows that Alan is a great comedian.

I thought this would give him a chance

to be something different.

Sure, a flop.

All, right, suppose he goes on this show, suppose it flops.

Now, what's the worst thing that could happen to me?

You could get fired.

There's a lot worse things than being fired.

Name one.

How about getting popcorn in your teeth?

I think the worst thing that would happen,

Alan would be angry and he probably would

lose confidence in my ability.

Or?

Or he might fire me.

Right.

But look, suppose the show's a big success.

Who do you think's going to get all the credit?

Alan Lister Brady.

You said it.

He'll be taking bows so fast, people will

think he backed into a spear.

Yeah, I'm afraid you're right.

Fellows, I think it's obvious that I

have done a dumb, dumb thing.

I don't think I'm very smart.

Well, you're smart enough to know you're stupid.

Rob, we made a mistake.

I just left Alan.

Why don't you just leave town?

And I don't think he liked the script.

Oh, really?

What did he say?

Well, nothing intelligible, but he was squirting

seltzer on every page.

Oh, that's great, Rob.

That lets you off the hook.

Oh, boy.

You, uh-- we're better off, Rob.

Now, in the future, we should never

try to talk him into something he doesn't want to do.

Never, never, never.

Hey, you know something?

Mel is so bald, the other day in a supermarket, a lady

started squeezing his head to see if it was ripe.

What's that got to do with this?

Well, nothing.

My mind wandered.

Deranged.

Totally deranged.

[phone ringing]

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, yeah.

Just a second, Alan.

I, uh, think you're about to be rejected.

How can you tell?

He asked to speak to Professor Petrie.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Tally-ho.

Hi, Alan.

Rob, about your script.

You don't like it?

Oh, I like it.

It's just not my style.

Why don't you give Albert Schweitzer a call?

Alan, I gather you don't want to do the show, huh?

Oh, nothing personal, Rob.

ROB (ON PHONE): Oh, no, no.

I just think I'll stick to what I know is right for me.

Oh, sure, Alan.

You see, you just weren't right for it.

If you didn't think I was right for it

in the first place, why did you show me the script?

Well, no, in the first place, I

thought you were right for it.

ALAN (ON PHONE): But you changed your mind?

No, no.

I, I still think you're right for it.

ALAN (ON PHONE): But you don't want me to do it?

Well, look, Alan, let's put it this way.

I, I, uh, I want you to do it, but it's--

I don't want to force you.

Rob, nobody forces Alan Brady to do anything.

That's right, Alan.

I wouldn't force you.

We'll get somebody else, that's all.

Goodbye.

Rob, you son of a g*n, you did it.

You really know how to use the psychology, don't you?

Uh-huh?

You win.

I accept your challenge.

[gibbering]

You don't say.

Listen, Rob, are you trying to say there's

something upsetting you here?

No, no, no.

No, sir, I'm thrilled, Al.

I'm helply-- I'm, I'm, uh, speechless.

After I do the show, Rob, you could be jobless too.

So long.

Alan?

A-Alan?

Well, Mr. Do-It-Yourself, you did it yourself.

I did this once before, you know.

In our first apartment, I painted myself into a corner.

Missed Christmas.

Gin?

No, quits.

Oh, good you would have caught me with 74 points.

I'm sorry, Millie, but I'm just

too nervous to concentrate.

Yeah, what's the matter with you?

You'd think it was Rob's first TV show.

No, this is different, Millie.

All week long it's been a kind of a contest

between Alan and Rob.

You want some coffee?

OK.

What kind of a contest?

I thought Alan was doing the show

just the way Rob wanted him to?

Yeah, he is, except that Rob thinks

that Alan's doing it almost to prove that Rob is wrong.

Well, that's crazy.

Insanity was never one of Alan's main character features.

Listen, stop worrying.

The critics love those deep, brainy programs.

Yeah, but all Alan needs is a couple

of bad letters from his fans, he'll

go off like a Roman candle.

Oh, they don't pay any attention to letters.

Alan Brady does.

Really?

Letters mean that much to him?

He reads every one.

Well, then if he gets a lot of letters,

he couldn't be mad at Rob?

If they're good letters.

Huh.

Millie, what was at that huh?

Just huh.

No, Millie, I know you a little too well.

That was no ordinary huh.

Now, what are you thinking?

Well, what's to stop an interested party

from sending in a bunch of letters

telling him how good it was?

Rob would k*ll me, that's what's to stop.

Well, suppose this.

Suppose this interested party called up

all her friends and relatives.

Forget it.

All right, how about this suppose?

An innocent and unrelated bystander, like,

say, well, like--

Like the next door neighbor?

If you will.

You've got to be kidding.

Listen, anybody's entitled to write one little letter.

Or 2 or 3 or 40.

Millie!

Freedom of the press.

Millie, I don't want to hear it.

Yeah, you don't want to hear it,

but you're not telling me not to do it.

I am not hearing, telling, or saying

anything more on the subject.

Laura, I understand.

No, Millie, you don't.

Gotcha.

Millie!

Alan, you have nothing to worry about.

They're going to love it.

Well, we're all going to know in a few minutes anyway,

aren't we?

Don't worry, I'll call you the minute it's over.

OK, bye.

What a week I've had with that guy.

I've lost count.

Is that the 11th and 12th time he's called you today?

Well, it's done and I'm proud of it.

I don't care what anybody says.

Boy, oh, boy.

Now, the guy that put that on, he really has guts.

That's, that's Swan Lake, isn't it?

Music's the same, costumes are the same.

After a while, you forget they're monkeys.

[music playing]

ANNOUNCER (ON TV): Ladies and gentlemen, you've been

watching "Camera on Culture."

This week's program prepared jointly by the New State Ballet

Company and the Bronx Zoo.

Now stay tuned for "Project Greatness," with this week's

special guest Alan Brady.

Good luck, darling.

Boy, I'm going to need it.

You know, I hate to follow animal acts anyway.

NEWSREADER (ON TV): Ladies and gentlemen,

"Project Greatness" will not be seen today in order

that we may bring you a wrap up of today's flood

in the west side subway.

Oh, no.

The program originally scheduled will be shown at a later date.

You can't do that.

You can't do that!

JACK SULLIVAN (ON TV): This is your on the spot correspondent

Jack Sullivan speaking to you from a rubber

raft beneath Times Square.

And this is Rob Petrie speaking to you from a rowboat

up the creek.

Ah, do you know what that means?

It means living another week with Alan Brady hounding me.

I can't take it.

Why didn't they flood the subway during the monkey act?

Darling, it's a reprieve anyway.

I don't want a reprieve.

I want to get this over with.

[phone ringing]

That's Alan.

He probably thinks they flooded the subway

because his show's rotten.

Hi, Alan.

Yes, I saw.

Well, look, they'll probably run it next week anyway.

Huh?

No, hey, Alan, wait a minute.

No, look, they wouldn't have done that, Alan.

No, look, I, I don't think we should tape it all over again,

Alan.

Hi.

I'm listening.

Alan, I don't think it's that bad.

What is the matter with you?

Laura, this is a genuine disaster.

Millie, what's the matter with you?

Nobody saw Rob's program, not even the 14 people.

What 14 people?

My 14 people.

The ones that wrote the letters telling Alan Brady

how great the program was.

You got 14 people to write letters?

I'm 14 people.

14 stupid people!

And you mailed them?

Oh, Millie!

Well, I wanted them to have different postmarks,

so this afternoon I drove all over West Chester

in southern Connecticut.

All right, all right, now just let me think.

Laura, please think of something good.

Because if Rob finds out.

He's going to k*ll me.

OK, all right.

We have nothing to worry about.

Oh, good.

- What do I mean we? - You and me.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

It is not you and me.

It's just you.

You didn't tell me not to do it!

Millie, I didn't tell you anything.

I didn't even know what you were talking about.

And I certainly didn't think you'd

mail them before the show.

Laura!

I did it with a full heart and good intentions,

and now you're deserting me!

Millie, will you stop crying?

Oh, I can't help it.

Oh, before, when you said we had nothing to worry about,

what did you mean?

All right, I was thinking that there's

really no way of their tracing the letters back to you.

Unless you signed your name.

Well, Laura, that would have been really stupid.

Did you?

How can you ask that?

Of course not.

I signed it with the names of dead relatives and fake people.

Good.

Now, I think the first thing we have to do

is say nothing to Rob.

Ooh, I like that first thing.

Tomorrow morning when Alan gets his mail,

he's going to see the letters

Yeah.

And he's going to wonder about them.

Yeah, yeah.

And, logically, he'll assume that Rob had something

to do with the letters.

But Rob's not to know anything about it

because we won't tell him.

Right.

And Rob will be very convincing.

He's a rotten liar, but he tells the truth better than anyone.

There's no way of their ever tracing

those letters back to us.

You.

You are so smart.

Yes, all right.

Now, you didn't see the show, so you couldn't have

said anything too specific.

What did you say?

Well, uh, I said Alan Brady was my favorite comedian,

and I, I said it was good for him

to do a brainy program like that.

Was Alan's name in the TV listings?

- Yeah. - OK, good.

What else?

Uh, well, I said a bunch of things

about how there should be more cultural stuff like that on TV.

Well, that's sounds safe.

Oh, oh, and then I said plenty get terrific things about Rob.

Rob?

Yeah, I said Alan Brady should be plenty lucky to have

a genius like Rob Petrie around, and then I

said how wonderful it was that such a young guy could

be so funny and so brainy.

And Rob's name isn't in the TV listings, is it?

No!

What are we going to do?

Millie, now the only thing to do is tell Rob what you did.

Well, listen, listen, Alan Brady

still won't know that I did it.

Right.

Now he'll think that I did it.

Oh!

Laura, start packing.

What do you mean packing?

I have decided that I'm going to quit writing.

I'm going to quit this house.

I am going to quit everything.

I'm going to become a backwoodsman.

Who needs the aggravation? - Rob--

It's no use.

You and Ritchie and I are going to move

to the back of the woods where there are no television

sets, no crazy comedians, and just little furry animals

are going to come out and make friends with us

and eat out of our hands.

Was Rob-- was, was Alan very upset with you, darling?

No, no.

No more than usual.

It's just that I am up to here with this thing,

and the very prospect of living with it for one more week

is too much.

Well, I think I'll be going.

Millie!

Rob, something has come up that I, as your wife,

feel that you should know.

If it'll make me happy, go ahead and tell me.

If not, save it, because it could drive me over the brink.

Oh, Rob, I'm so sorry.

You don't ever have to speak to me ever again.

It's not going to make me happy, is it?

I don't think so.

Did she k*ll Jerry?

Rob, it, it has to do with the program.

She flooded the subway?

I was only trying to help.

She did flood the subway?

No!

Rob, look, I've got to take part of the responsibility

for this, because I did not tell her not to do it.

Oh, Laura, you're so good.

All right.

Listen, whatever it is, would you tell me fast,

because I'm about to panic.

Look, darling, it's OK.

Millie?

[stammering]

Aw, Millie.

Millie, in trying to help you, Rob,

wrote 14 letters to Alan Brady praising the program

and the Alan and you.

Uh, where are they now?

Mailed them.

[uncomfortable laughter]

Rob, Are you all right?

I couldn't be worse.

Rob, what can I do?

Take advantage of my temporary insanity and get out of here.

Millie!

Darling.

Don't touch me.

Rob, listen to me.

Steal the mail.

I can't.

It's dishonest.

So I'll steal it.

So it's still dishonest?

No, I'll be like Robin Hood.

I'll rob from the rich and give to the Rob.

Look, whatever you decide to do,

do it fast, because Alan will get the letters

and your decision will be made for you.

Yeah.

Wish me luck.

I'm going to Alan's office. - OK.

I'll go with you.

I'll wait in the hall and be your lookout.

Look, I'm not going to steal the letters.

I want to tell Alan the truth.

I'll still go along.

Look, if he's going to tell the truth,

he doesn't need a lookout.

Sure he does. I'll stand out there.

When Alan throws him out the window, I'll yell, look out!

Oh, Mr. Brady is not in yet?

No.

But he'll be in in a moment.

Why don't you wait?

Oh, thank you.

Is the mail in yet?

Oh, the mail's in

Yes.

Mr. Cooley brought it in.

Didn't you get yours? - Oh, yeah.

I got mine.

I just wanted to make sure the boss gets his.

He did.

You know what they say about the mail.

You know, rain or snow or--

"Mr. Brady, you were in Chicago a few months ago

and took me out to dinner."

[whistle]

Hi.

I was looking for a match.

I'm out of matches.

You were looking for a match?

Yeah.

I, I wasn't going to steal it.

I just wanted to borrow it. Oh.

There's a match.

Thanks very much, [inaudible].

Oh.

Cigarette out the front.

Light a match. Son of a g*n.

I ain't got any cigarettes.

I'm out of matches and out of cigarettes.

Haven't even got a stick of gum.

[inaudible]

Thanks.

Thanks for the match.

Hi, Alan.

Hi, Rob. Hi.

No, sit down. Sit down.

Sit down. - Oh, thanks.

I'm glad you're here.

I was going to call you down anyway.

You were?

Yeah, when a man has an unpleasant task to do,

no sense putting it off, right?

Yeah.

That's right.

Alan, one thing I want to tell you,

that what may appear obvious on the surface

may not be the same below the surface.

You know, Lloyd Bridges proved that, didn't he?

Rob, it's, it's not that funny.

No, it isn't.

Sometimes a man does or says something stupid,

and there's no way of getting out of it.

You've got to stand up like a man and take your medicine.

That's exactly the way I feel, Alan.

Sit down, Rob.

Well, I thought you--

You know-- you know, of course, what I'm going to say.

Well, I have--

I have an idea.

Rob, all this week I've been fighting you.

But you, uh, you had a lot of guts.

You never lost confidence.

Well, uh--

No matter how hard I pushed, you held your ground.

That's guts.

I said to myself, that Petrie's got a lot of guts.

And then this morning something happened.

I realized, Petrie, you don't have guts.

Huh?

You know what you got?

Brains.

Oh.

Big, fat brains.

Oh.

This morning I screened that show

for a bunch of network executives,

and after seeing that show, they talked to me as if they've

never seen my work before.

You know what they gave me?

Respect. Respect.

That's almost as good as laughs.

I didn't realize that.

You've got a lot of integrity, Petrie.

Yeah, I have good integrity, Alan,

and there's something I want to tell you.

I've got to get it off my chest.

Alan-- Rob!

There he is, my favorite brother-in-law.

Hi there.

Uh, uh, Alan, they are-- they are waiting downstairs for you

to rehearse the dance number.

OK, Charlie.

I got new respect for him too.

He was on your side.

Uh, better, better, better run long.

OK.

Alan, listen, before you go, there's something I've got

to tell you about your mail. - Yeah.

Yeah. What about my mail?

Well--

The sides is isn't going to help.

Use that hair I gave you.

What is it, Rob?

Uh, Alan, you, you, you'd better run along.

Yeah, really?

He wanted to tell me something.

Now, shut up.

Go to rehearsal, Alan.

Shut up and go to rehearsal?

Don't do that.

You're not that secure.

Mel, was, was, was that a, uh--

You almost ruined everything.

You were going to tell him about the letters, now weren't you?

You knew about those letters?

They're not there, they're here.

You've got them?

14 of them.

That's all of them, all right.

How did you-- how-- why did you get them?

Why did you write them?

I didn't write them.

Laura? Sally?

Buddy?

No, Millie.

Well, I knew you had something to do with them.

I didn't have anything to do with it.

How did you get them?

Well, I go through Alan's mail every morning.

When I saw these, I just figured it was trouble.

That's awfully nice of you to do that for me, Mel,

but I could have explained them myself.

No matter how you would explain it,

it would have ruined the moment of glory.

Well, that's awfully nice of you.

You did it for me?

No, I did it for me.

Huh?

Did you notice how he treated me this morning?

This is the first morning in 15 years he invited

me to have coffee with him.

And just because you recommended--

you've never had coffee with him?

He says I make him nauseous.

ALAN: And so on behalf of "Project Greatness,"

this is Alan Brady saying thank you and goodnight.

Darling, that was just beautiful.

Attaboy, Mel.

Beautiful.

Oh, you son of a g*n.

You did it, boy.

Yeah, he did it, all right.

We'll never get Alan to do jokes anymore.

SALLY: Yeah, probably want to play Hamlet.

Hey, Millie, now you can write all the fan letters you want.

Well, I don't think I ought to.

Well, Millie, it's a perfectly natural thing to do.

If you like the show, I think you should write in.

Well, that's it then.

I didn't like the program.

ROB: You didn't like it?

Well, I mean, I don't know if I liked it or not.

I mean, was so brainy.

Who could understand it?

[inaudible] jokes I like.

You've got to be kidding.

[arguing]

Now wait just a second.

Anybody is welcome to have their own opinion about anything.

Millie, get out of my house.

[music playing]