04x10 - Pink Pills and Purple Parents

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show", starring d*ck Van d*ke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

[groans]

Oh, morning, Sal.

Hi, Sal.

Shh!

Oh.

Shh.

What kind of shush?

What they do, move a hospital in next door?

Unfortunately, no.

Oh, here, Sal.

Here's your mail.

Oh, Buddy, do you have to deliver it so loud?

What you doing?

Unplugging the typewriter.

The hum is k*lling me.

You got a headache, huh?

Oh, it's worse than a headache.

It's ear to ear pain.

Oh, you went to a party last night, huh?

A little too much--

[bubbling sound]

You know, I don't--

[bubbling sound]

Sal, did you try an aspirin?

An aspirin, oh, dear.

An aspirin for this headache is like trying

to put out the Chicago fire with a seltzer bottle.

ROB PETRIE: Mhm.

Gee, Sal, I wish I could help.

Hey, Sal, I think I got something that'll help you.

What, a g*n?

No, no.

You might recall a couple weeks ago when

I had that pain in my back?

Here, try these pink pain pills.

They are great. Here, try this.

I'll get you some water. They'll work great.

- Wait a minute, Buddy. - What's the matter?

Wow, no, thanks.

What do you mean, no, thanks?

I thought she had a headache.

Oh, come on, Rob. Let me take them.

Maybe it'll help.

No, absolutely not.

You never, never, ever take anybody else's prescription.

Why? Pain is pain.

What's the difference?

There's a lot of difference.

This prescription is based on your size and your weight.

You forget it, you two are built differently.

Thank goodness for little favors.

Now what-- what-- what can cure

pain for one person can do some weird things to somebody else.

Yeah, what kind of weird things?

Well, for one, I could look like you.

ROB PETRIE: [chuckles] Now believe me,

Laura once took somebody else's prescription.

She had terrible side effects from it.

Yeah, it wrecked her whole side.

It almost wrecked our marriage.

I want to prove to you that you should never, ever take

anybody else's prescription.

Oh, all right.

I tell you what.

When tell me, you'll talk very softly, huh.

Ah, Buddy, will you-- will you go like this please?

Oh, sure. I'm a regular doctor.

OK.

All right, now go ahead, Rob.

Excuse me, her heads in the ashtray.

Will you move for me?

[inaudible] could be worse that.

No wonder it felt good.

Anyway, I was still in the army when this happened.

Laura and I had only been married

a couple months at the time.

We were still living right near the base,

and she'd never met my parents.

Hi, honey. - Hi, Rob.

What are you doing home so easy?

I took a five minute wife break.

- [moans] - Ow!

Oh, Rob, I'm sorry, dear.

I had pins in my mouth.

I'm sorry, honey.

It's my fault.

Well, darling, can I put something on your lips?

- Yeah, your lips. - Oh.

Will you take the pins out?

Yeah, they're gone.

OK.

Oh.

Hey, you know, the other one was more exciting than that.

Oh, Rob.

What are you doing home?

Honey, I got a, ah, surprise for you.

Another furlough?

No, no, better than that.

Better than a furlough?

ROB PETRIE: Yeah.

Guess who's coming to see us tomorrow night?

Who?

Sam and Clara Petrie.

Your parents?

ROB PETRIE: Yeah, honey.

I got a telegram at the orderly room just now.

They couldn't wait for us to come and see them in Illinois.

They're coming out here to meet you, us.

Tomorrow?

ROB PETRIE: Yeah, my own parents.

Ain't that something?

Something.

You're not, ah, glad. Are you, honey?

Oh, yes.

Darling, I'm glad.

I-- it's just that, well, the place isn't fixed.

Stop-- look at the stain on the chair, Rob.

Oh, here.

Honey, I'll fix that right now.

Just a second.

There.

Well, look at the ironing board.

What's the matter with it?

Well, I wanted to wash and iron the drapes.

Honey, they don't want to see the drapes,

they want to see you.

LAURA PETRIE: Yeah, well, I'm not in good shape either, Rob.

I mean, look at my hair, [inaudible] with my nose.

What's the matter with your nose?

Well, it's itching.

I think I'm getting a cold.

Honey, when your nose itches, that

means you're gonna kiss a fool.

Honey, they're gonna love you.

Darling, I just wish I had a little more time to prepare.

What do you have to prepare for?

Honey, it's just my parents.

I met them two minutes after I was born.

Besides, you talked to my mother once on the phone already.

Yeah, well, I talked.

All she did was cry.

Oh, Rob, I just want to make a good impression.

Honey, you'll make a good impression

by being your own sweet, wonderful, beautiful self.

But that's not good enough.

Oh, Rob, look at the bookcase.

We haven't finished it yet.

And the-- well, the candle hasn't dripped.

There's no wax in the wine bottles.

Honey, we don't need any wine bottles.

Rob, how can you have an Italian motif

without wine bottles?

So far we've only got three.

We should drink more.

Rob, we don't even have any records for the record player.

Are you kidding?

We got a couple.

A couple?

Ziggy Elman "And the Angels Sing"

and the Post Marching Band playing drill

music, some collection.

Honey, my parents don't want to see

bottles or books or bands.

They want to see you and you're in great shape.

I know, but you know, Rob, I don't have anything to wear.

Honey, that's just fine.

(SIGHS)

Look, it's just my parents, it's not royalty.

All you have to do is bow gracefully

and stable their white horses.

Food!

Boy, you get hungry at the strangest time.

No, darling, not for me, for your parents.

What am I going to serve them?

Oh, that is a problem.

Maybe I can steal a loaf of bread somewhere.

Oh, Rob!

Well, honey, what are you talking about?

I get anything you want at the [inaudible]..

I gotta plan the menu.

Your mother is such a good cook.

They're not even gonna know what they're eating

when they get one look at you.

A roast, I don't know how to--

Honey, I gotta get back.

Look, please don't get so worked up.

Will you not?

Rob, I just want to make a good impression

because I love you.

Honey, I love you too.

Smile, will you?

I want you to be glad they're coming.

I am, I am.

OK.

I'm not, I'm not.

Oh, Millie, seven more hours and they'll be here.

Oh, dear, I wish you wouldn't get so upset, honest.

Why don't you take one of those calming down

pills I brought over for you?

LAURA PETRIE: No, I don't want any, thank you.

They'll calm you down.

No, I don't want one.

Millie, what were you like when you first met Jerry's parents?

Well, I was pretty calm.

I mean, I walked in the house and I said, how do you do?

And then I went and hid in the bathroom for three hours.

Oh, would you look at that?

Another drip on the wrong side.

All right, I give up.

Ooh, make a wish, make a wish.

I wish they like me.

They'll like you, they'll like you.

Millie, what do I call them?

Wine bottles, what else?

You wanna give each one a name?

Not the wine bottles, Rob's parents.

What do you call Jerry's parents?

Well, that's a good question.

So far, I've just been calling them folks.

Well, what if you're alone in a room with one of them?

Well, that's what I've been avoiding, mostly.

I mean, if we're together, I can say, time for dinner, folks.

Suppose you do get caught alone in a room with

one of them, then-- then what?

I hide in the bathroom.

Millie, I just know tonight's gonna to be a catastrophe.

I mean, I can't even say hello to Rob's mother and father.

Oh, Laura, I wish you'd take one of my pills.

No, no, I'm not going to.

Rob says if you are tense, you should

let it out in an honest, intelligent manner.

Yeah, what's he do?

He hits his fist against the door, and I can't do that.

Here, you keep them, and if you need one, take it.

OK, I'll keep it just in case.

But don't say anything to Rob.

I won't.

You want me to wash the candy dish?

Oh, no, Millie, I'll do that.

Ah, Millie, thanks for everything.

Millie, did I give you the carrots and peas?

Yeah, you gave them to me and I'll have them here right

on time.

Listen, you don't think Rob's parents

are gonna think that I'm cheating

having you cook them, do you?

Ooh, well, listen.

It's not your fault you still only got two burners

and you're using one of mine.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Ah, I guess not.

Take my advice and take one of those pills.

Oh, Millie, what's a pill gonna do?

Listen, it keeps me from hiding in the bathroom.

Bye.

Goodbye, Millie.

Thanks.

What am I gonna call them?

Hello, Mom and Dad.

Nah.

Well, if it isn't Sam and Clara.

Hi, there, both of you.

Hey, would you like to see our kitchen, Mother and Dad.

It's a little small--

Mom and Dad?

Oh, no, darling.

No, I-- I was just practicing.

Honey.

Oh, Rob, I'm gonna be just awful.

They're gonna hate me.

How can they hate you?

You're the sweetest, most wonderful person in the world.

Well, I stole their son.

When my folks walk through that door

and take a look at you, you're gonna knock them out!

Hey, honey?

Hey, honey, I'm sorry.

Honey, don't do that.

Honey?

I really belted her one.

Luckily, she wasn't hurt badly, just

a little mouse under the eye.

But she put some makeup over it and you could barely see it.

Honey, what are you doing up?

I told you to stay in bed and rest.

No, I feel fine, Rob.

I gotta finish the dinner.

They'll be here soon.

Let me see the eye, honey.

How's it?

Hey, it looks pretty good.

I can't even tell which one I hit.

Mm-hmm, that one.

I'm sorry.

I can't do anything right.

Look, darling, why don't you go in the living room

and wait for your parents and I'll just finish up here, huh.

OK.

Look, honey, just don't worry about anything.

You're gonna knock-- - Yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm going in the living room.

- OK. - I love you.

I--

[doorbell rings]

ROB PETRIE: Mom, Dad.

Oh.

Greetings, Sergeant Petrie.

Oh, my little baby boy is married.

[sobs]

Honey, the folks are here.

I'll be right there, (BELLOWS) darling.

You keep her chained to the stove?

CLARA PETRIE: This is a nice place you have here.

ROB PETRIE: Honey, you coming?

(MUTTERING) I'll be right there.

I'll be right there, darling.

Hello.

This must be Laura or you've got some beautiful maid.

Hey.

Oh, wait. [groans]

- Oh, god. - Mhm.

Oh.

I-- [inaudible].

No, it's--

Honey, I'd-- I'd like you to meet my mother.

Mother, I'd like you to meet my honey.

Mrs. Petrie, meet Mrs. Petrie.

You're both named Mrs. Petrie.

[chuckles] Face it, Mom.

How do you do?

Thank you.

Well, shall we all sit down?

Oh.

Yes, son.

I'm so glad we finally got to meet you, Laura.

Well, I am too, Mr. And Mrs. Petrie.

SAM PETRIE: No, no.

No, not that Mr. and Mrs. stuff with us.

We're just down to Earthers.

Just call us Mom and Dad.

I'm Dad and she's Mom.

Sit down over here by your old Dad, honey.

My, this is a lovely place you have.

Would you like to see the bedroom?

No.

Um, I mean, per-- per-- per-- perhaps later.

Dad, how was the-- how was the trip down?

Oh, fine, fine.

No trouble till I got almost to the post.

They almost wouldn't let me in.

They wouldn't?

All I did was say I want to see my son, the traitor.

[laughter]

Why, Sam.

I can see where Rob gets his sense of humor.

[chuckles] A sense of humor is a very important thing to have.

There are other things far more important than that.

Oh, yes, a sense of serious.

So this is Laura.

We finally get to meet her.

I just couldn't wait to meet you.

Well, of course, we thought we would meet you at the wedding,

but, uh, none of the parents were invited.

Were they?

Mom, don't-- don't start that.

CLARA PETRIE: I'm-- I'm sorry.

It's not the first wedding or the last wedding

that I won't be invited to.

Mom, we-- we phoned you.

Yes, dear, I know.

Phone calls are very nice too.

Well, if you'll excuse me--

Yeah.

--I think, I just better check on the dinner.

Um, I'll be right back.

CLARA PETRIE: Robbie, you look thin, dear.

Are you eating right?

ROB PETRIE: Oh, sure, Mom.

CLARA PETRIE: You know, I--

I do hope that Laura hasn't gone to too much trouble.

We did come on short notice.

ROB PETRIE: Oh, it's not trouble, Mom.

She's a whiz in that kitchen.

With her looks, she doesn't have to cook.

[laughs]

Sam!

You know, she reminds me a lot of Vivian Fogle.

Who?

CLARA PETRIE: Vivian Fogle.

Oh, you know, dear, the girl you almost married.

Vivian Fogle?

You used to go to the orthodontist together.

Oh, by the way, her teeth came out beautifully.

I never almost married her, Mom.

I took her out once and I couldn't stand her.

Son, you went out with so many girls back then, I lost track.

Dad, come on, you're exaggerating.

SAM PETRIE: Oh, no, no, no, son.

I'm proud of you.

[chuckles]

CLARA PETRIE: Ah, we might just as well face it, Robbie.

You are a very good catch.

ROB PETRIE: Oh, hey.

You didn't see the snapshots of the wedding yet.

SAM PETRIE: No.

Here we go.

We've got quite a few here.

[chuckles]

My, goodness, yes.

SAM PETRIE: [laughs]

Oh, look at that house.

It sure looks delicious.

It is.

And we have some nice potatoes and asparagus.

- Oh, asparagus. - Asparagus?

Thank you very much.

Why, Robbie, you never eat asparagus at home.

Oh, she does it different, Mom, with a sauce.

Oh.

Sure looks great.

You ought to make it that way, Clara.

Look here, how she shaved her bottoms.

ROB PETRIE: Mhm.

I just put a little melted cheese on it.

Oh, well, that's all right, dear.

I can scrape it off.

We were gonna have some parrots and keys.

[chuckles]

Honey, anything wrong?

Laura, is anything wrong?

No.

Oh, no, darling.

I just remembered we're supposed to have some peas and carrots.

Will you excuse me while I make a telephone call?

I'll just make a phone call.

I-- [chuckles] OK.

She's telephoning for carrots and peas?

Well, I don't--

I don't know.

Ooh, I'm sorry I'm late with the peas and carrots.

Oh, listen, I didn't really cook these.

I mean, Laura cut up the carrots and put in a little peas,

made up the recipe and everything.

All I did was turn on my burner.

She doesn't have enough burners.

I just did what she told me to do.

She just borrowed my burner.

Hi, Rob.

I mean, Laura went to the market and got

the vegetables and everything.

So you just pretend you didn't even see me.

I wasn't even here.

Oh, here, in case she wants more peas and carrots.

Laura did at all.

I'm just Millie, I'm nobody.

Bye.

It was nice meeting you.

That was, ah, our neighbor.

Energetic.

Well, Millie wasn't home, so I--

oh, I see they're here.

Millie just brought them in.

Oh.

You see, our stove only has the two burners.

ROB PETRIE: Yeah, Millie, explained that too.

Isn't she a wonderful neighbor?

I thought she was the army's new secret w*apon.

Secret w*apon, hee.

SAM PETRIE: [laughs] She likes my jokes.

[continues laughing]

Honey, don't, ah-- don't do that.

We've tried to convince him for years he's not funny.

[laughing]

Ah, honey?

(SIGHS)

ROB PETRIE: Is there anything-- anything wrong?

No.

No, no, Darling.

I just, ah-- I felt a little dizzy there for a minute,

that's all.

Dizzy?

Laura, you're not--

Oh, we're not, Mom.

No.

Honey, you're, ah-- you're not, are you?

No, I'm not.

She's not.

About what?

Oh, Sam, grow up.

Oh, that's what she's not.

Dad, how about a little wine?

I'd love some, son.

Wine?

Why, Robbie, you never drank wine at home.

He never drank wine at home.

Well, neither did I, but this is sort of a special occasion.

[chuckles]

We had many--

many special occasions at home, but he never drank wine.

Clara, grew up.

Come on, let's all have a little.

Thank you, darling.

There we are.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Mhm.

(SINGING) I dream of Laura with the light brown hair,

floating like a duckling on the [inaudible]..

I think she's making a big production out there.

I'd better go help her.

LAURA PETRIE: (SINGING)I dream of Laura.

Hiya, darling.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing's the matter with me.

I feel just fine.

Yeah, you feel just a little-- a little bit too fine.

How much wine did you have?

Well, just that little bit that I had in there, darling.

That's all.

Then how much did you have before I got home?

Oh, Rob.

All right, no more wine for you tonight.

Good.

[vocalizing]

Oh, I'll get them.

You're gonna have to wash them all, dear.

Rob, you are so lucky.

Huh?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Mhm.

(SINGING) I dream of--

Sam, ah, does that girl seem funny to you?

You should be as funny as she is.

I think there's something wrong with that girl.

Ah, could be, but she's worth straightening out.

Did you look in that closet when we came in?

No.

There were at least a dozen empty wine

bottles on the shelf.

There were six.

- I was not singing. - You were too.

I was not.

Here we are folks, ice cream sundaes.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Sundaes on a Saturday.

[chuckles]

My, isn't that amusing.

Well, where- where's the ice cream?

Huh?

All I've got is chocolate sauce and nuts.

But it's good.

I knew I forgot something, of course, the ice cream.

If you'll excuse me.

[inaudible]

Rob, does Laura have a-- a problem?

Oh, I don't think, ah-- no.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.

One for Robbie, one for Mumu, one for Daddy

and one for Laurie.

I'll get it later.

I completely missed the table, isn't that something?

But it doesn't matter.

See how nicely it matches the table.

Do you want me to get--

No, no, you have your own.

There.

I dropped my spoony.

I'll get it.

LAURA PETRIE: No, no, it's all right.

I'll get it, darling.

Oh.

How's the, ah, weather, down here, son?

Oh, fine.

Fine, Dad.

We had a little rain back home.

Excuse me.

Laura, what is the matter with you?

LAURA PETRIE: I'm looking for the spoon.

ROB PETRIE: It's in your hand.

LAURA PETRIE: OK.

Isn't it funny how it's always the last place you look?

[laughter]

Oh, darling, thank you for finding it for me.

Give me a kiss. ROB PETRIE: Honey, stop this.

LAURA PETRIE: You need to--

Oh, Sam.

Now relax, Clara.

We were young once, remember?

[chuckles]

Boy, there's something the matter.

What?

With you.

There's nothing the matter with me, darling.

What could possibly be wrong with me?

I like Robbie and Robbie likes me.

Well, it's, ah, been a hard trip.

I guess, we're all a little tired and punchy.

I'm tired.

Folks, look.

I want you to understand one thing.

Vivian Fogle is a fink.

I beg your pardon?

I'm a little drowsy, myself.

It's been a kind of a long evening.

Oh, isn't he cute?

Isn't he the cutest thing?

Now honey, will you stop that?

But you like me to do that though.

Laura--

You know what the dinner needs?

It needs some nice music.

Gonna have some music, Mumu.

Oh, yes, here we go.

Sam, our daughter-in-law is a drunken.

This thing isn't as bad as it looks.

[music playing]

And [inaudible] the possibilities.

[humming] (SINGING)I dream of Laura

with the light brown hair [inaudible]

around the flag pool.

Laura, stop that.

SAM PETRIE: One thing you've gotta say, she's obedient.

ROB PETRIE: Honey.

You mean just taking those pills

made Laura flip like that?

That's right.

Hey, I need to give some of them to Mel.

- [chuckles] - Hey, come on.

I wanna hear the story. What happened?

Did your folks get mad at Laura?

Oh, no.

After we found out what really had happened,

it kind of endeared Laura to them as she-- it meant so much,

you know, she make a good impression on them.

As a matter of fact, Sally's asleep.

Sally.

Sal.

Oh, I'm busy today.

Call me tomorrow, Rock.

Boy, when this kid dreams, she dreams.

Sally, come on, wake up.

Mhm.

Sal, there's a world going on.

Come on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I must have dozed off.

Sally, I just told this whole thing for your sake.

Well, no hard feelings, Rob.

But I think the nap did my headache

more good than your story.

You mean you missed the whole thing?

Well, I think I fell asleep when Laura was calling

for the carrots and peas.

Yeah.

Well, you missed the part where Millie came in with the carrots

and pees and then--

Wait a minute, we haven't got time to go through

the whole story again, Buddy.

Sure, I have.

Millie came in with the carrots and peas.

And then her folks came in and she got all upset because-- no,

but Robs folks had come in.

[fast forwarded voices]

SALLY ROGERS: Forget it, Buddy.

You're bringing back my headache.

BUDDY SORRELL: OK, I quit.

[theme song]