04x17 - Stacey Petrie: Part I

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ck, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Yeah, Mil, I'll just pull the car out of the garage

and meet you in the driveway.

Oh, did you get a can of balls?

Oh, good.

Yeah, it is fun.

We should have started this a long time ago.

OK.

I'll be right over.

Ritchie, come on, dear.

We've got to get going.

Is it OK if I wear my football uniform?

Well, it's going to look a little funny on the tennis

court, don't you think?

No, I won't.

Freddy's wearing his.

Well, it's too late to change now.

What?

Stacey!

- Hi, Laura. - Hi!

My goodness.

What are you doing here?

Well, I came to visit my brother and his wife

and my little nephew.

Is that him under there?

Yeah.

Uncle Stacey.

How are you, pal?

Jiminy, you're heavy.

I'm nine.

Well, already, huh?

Give me the ball.

Oh, Stacey, it's good to see you.

But we had no idea.

I wish you'd let us know.

Didn't you get my letter?

No.

Gee, that's-- that's funny.

I mailed it over a week ago.

I thought for sure you'd have it by now.

Oh, well, listen, it doesn't matter at all.

I'm just glad to have you here. Come on.

Sit down.

Thank you.

I remember the whole letter, anyway.

I can tell it to you.

OK.

I-- I said, uh--

let's see-- dear Rob and Laura, well, I'll be getting out

of the Army in about a week.

I got out last week.

And I'm coming to visit New York.

Here I am.

I'm planning on signing the lease for the nightclub I

told you about.

I did tell you about that, didn't I?

Oh, didn't you get Rob's letter saying

he was going to invest in it?

Yeah, I told you about it.

And then I said, uh--

oh, yeah.

I said, I hope, uh, you'll be able to put me up or put

up with me for a few days.

A little-- a little humor.

Until I find an apartment.

And then I said, uh, oh-- and then

I just told you about the-- the girl I'm planning to marry.

And then I just signed it with an X for a joke.

Stacey, is that true?

Yeah, you'll see it when you get the letter.

I had a little X on the--

No!

I mean about getting married.

Are you?

Oh, my goodness. Oh, dear.

Don't you think I should?

No, I just remembered my next door neighbor.

Ritchie, would you go tell Millie

I'll call her in a minute? - OK, Mom.

Throw me a pass, Uncle Stacey.

Here you are, champ.

Getting married.

Stacey, I think that's wonderful.

Who is she?

Oh, it's-- she's a girl I've been, uh, uh--

Going around with?

No, no.

Uh, writing letters. - Oh.

Corresponding with.

Well, where'd you meet her?

Well, uh, I haven't--

I haven't met her yet.

You haven't met her, and you're going to marry her?

Yeah, well, that's why I wanted to visit you first.

You understand, don't you?

Well, it's, uh--

not entirely.

Hey, Stace?

Hi.

Where is he, honey?

He went to Greenwich Village to see the club.

Well, how does he like it?

He's signing the lease, and he's bringing home

Chinese food as a celebration.

Oh, great.

Well, did he tell me on the phone

that he's going to marry a girl he never met?

Yeah, that's what he told me.

Well, how-- how can he marry a girl he's never met?

I think you better ask him that, darling.

Well, you tell me, honey.

No, I can't.

As a matter of fact, I'm not sure he can.

You know, you've being very vague.

How does he even know about her?

Well, it was, uh--

she, um-- uh-- you--

- What's that supposed to mean? - I don't know.

It's a direct quote from him.

He can't-- she-- she can't be a complete stranger to him.

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it.

[laughing]

Hey, Burford.

- How are you, buddy? - How am I?

Here.

Hold these, and I'll show you.

Huh?

How's that for being in good shape, huh?

Boy, Burford, let me look at you.

Well, why don't you put me down and get the overall view?

Oh.

Yeah.

You-- you really look great.

So do you.

Here, honey, serve the dinner, will you?

- OK. - You-- oh.

Excuse me.

Boy, you are really rolling.

One day out of the army, you've got a business and a wife.

Well, I-- I don't know whether I have a wife or not.

Stacey, didn't you tell me you were getting married?

Yeah, but the whole thing's kind of indefinite.

Well, Stace, you said you never met the girl.

Well, just-- just through writing corr-- letters is all.

How'd you happen to start writing to her?

Well, she's, uh--

she's a friend of a friend of mine in-- in-- in the army.

Well, you mean, he-- he introduced you

through the mail, is that it?

Yeah. Yeah.

I guess you could say that.

Well, I can see why you're a little

hesitant about committing yourself to marriage.

Oh, I'm not hesit--

I'm hes-- I'm ready.

I'm just not too sure whether--

whether she is or not.

Well, she-- she said that?

I haven't asked her yet.

Well, when are you planning to?

As soon as I, uh, talk to her, you know,

and explain, uh, some, uh-- a few things about myself.

Stacey, sit down.

All right.

- Stacey, over here. - Oh.

Yes.

Silly.

I can't reach from there to here trying to-- trying to eat, huh?

It doesn't make any sense.

Hey, what was that you were saying about having

to explain a few things?

Stacey, are you hiding deep, dark secrets about yourself?

Oh, I don't know how da-- dark.

Uh, they're not very deep.

It's just that there's a few things that--

that I haven't been, uh, t--

told her.

It's kind of-- it's a secret.

I'd rather not talk about it.

Where's she live, Stace?

She, uh, lives right in New York near the, uh,

uh, uh-- in--

- Times Square? - No, no.

Where they have, uh-- and--

LAURA: Central Park? - Right.

ROB: Oh. - Central Park.

I think she's rich or something.

Well, look, uh, after dinner, why

don't you take the car keys, give her a call,

and go down and meet her? - That's a good idea.

After dinner, I'll get in the car, then I'll call--

no, first, I'll-- first of all, I'll--

uh, and then I'll get in, and I'll--

Better idea.

Well, now that that's set, what do you say we all, um--

Uh, that's eat.

Yeah.

Boy, she's sure easy to talk to, Rob.

[music on television]

[music stops]

Stace, you don't really want to watch television, do you?

Sure, I-- I love television.

It's not on.

Look.

Why don't you give Judy a call?

Julie.

Well, whatever her name is, why don't

you drive down and see her?

Rob, I-- I really don't feel like it tonight.

You've been here for four days.

Every day, you've had some excuse not to go.

I've been busy, Rob, getting the club

ready to open and everything.

You've got to protect your investment.

And I appreciate that.

But don't you think you ought to at least call her?

Look, darling, maybe he doesn't want to visit Julie.

Stop goading him.

Oh, no, goading's all--

I like to be goaded.

That's all right.

I-- I want to see her.

It's just--

Are you afraid to see her?

No.

Uh--

ROB: Petrified.

Stace, what is it with you and this girl

that you are not telling us?

That's it.

I'm not telling you.

You're-- you're not still shy with girls, are you?

Who's not?

I thought you were over that state.

No.

Boy, I was almost over it once, but I

then slid right back into it.

What you've got to do is meet her face to face,

take her out on a few dates.

Just let nature take its course.

Oh, Rob, if I do that, I'll end up like I always do,

tripping over my feet and everything else.

No.

If she's the right girl, you might find you're not

tripping as much as you think.

Oh, I know she's the right girl, all right.

But maybe I ought to practice first.

You know, like a-- like a practice date.

Practice date?

Yeah.

You know, in the army, uh, they--

you always go out on field maneuvers

before the real thing.

So in the real thing, you don't get k*lled, you know?

How about Sally? - What?

You want to have a practice date with Sally?

Sally, I can talk to.

And then maybe I can explain a few things.

Why can't you explain a few things to Laura?

No, I mean a real girl.

I know you're a real girl.

I didn't mean that.

But you're married, you know, to my brother.

It's not the same.

You think Sally would go out with me?

I don't know.

She might.

She's never been on field maneuvers before.

I don't know.

Ask her.

Me?

You don't expect me to ask her?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

OK, Rob, you're on.

Well, Sally, what I want to ask you is pretty silly.

I'll do it.

Well, don't you want to hear what it is first?

You want me to go out with a fella.

Oh, you come running in here, all atwitter, interrupt

a good crossword puzzle to tell me you've

got a fellow who's not for me?

Will you please let me finish?

Listen.

Those kind of news flashes I don't need

first thing in the morning.

I'm talking about my kid brother, Stacey.

What about Stacey?

Would you go out on a date with him?

- Never. - Will you shut up?

Would you go out on a date with him?

Wait a minute.

I thought you said Stacey was getting married.

Well, uh, the boy would like to get married,

but he hadn't got the guts to ask the girl.

And you want me to ask her?

No.

Sal, I'm serious.

For some dark reason, he's afraid to meet her.

And he's so darn shy with girls that he thought maybe he ought

to go on a few practice dates.

You want me to be one of those practice dates?

Well, no, I don't.

But Stacey asked me to ask you.

Pretty crazy, right?

No, not so crazy.

You see, the only way to get over being

shy with the opposite sex is to talk to it.

Well, I got to warn you.

With girls, he is not much of a talker.

Well, what is he?

Well, he mumbles and apologizes a lot.

Oh, that's silly.

What's he going to apologize to me for?

Oh, stepping on your feet, spilling drinks on your dress,

tripping--

Oh.

Tripping, spilling drinks on my-- sounds like a fun evening.

Sure, if you've got a raincoat and army boots.

Will you go out on a date with him?

No.

Well, I don't blame you.

But I'll cook him a dinner.

ROB: No kidding?

Yeah, because, you see, this is a real challenge.

And I'll tell you one thing, Rob.

If I can't un-shy this guy, nobody can.

Sure sounds kind of crazy to me.

You and Stace.

Well, what's so crazy about it?

Well, you'd hit me if I tell you.

No, I wouldn't

It's like pairing Lady Macbeth and Porky the Pig.

You're right.

I told you she was going to hit me.

It hurt.

You hit hard.

Well, Stacey, you all set for a nice evening

with conversation and dinner and everything?

I don't know, Rob.

I'd be a lot more set if you and-- you and Laura

were going with me.

Well, come on.

That would defeat the whole purpose of the evening.

Yeah.

We'll stop by for coffee after the theatre.

Gosh, I-- I sure hope I can find enough things to talk

about until you get there.

I wouldn't worry about a thing.

With Sally, she'll do enough talking for the both of you.

I sure hope so.

Ready?

Well, shall we?

Yes, please.

My goodness.

I feel a bit gaudy being escorted

by two such handsome gentlemen.

[laughing] - Oh, wait.

I almost forgot.

Wait.

You're not going to take your banjo?

Yeah, it's a good thing to have just in case.

In case what?

Well, uh, it's always a good-- doesn't Sally like the banjo?

I've never asked her.

Well, if she doesn't, I won't play it.

But if she does, it'll, uh, be right

there for me to have just--

but if-- if you don't think that she likes it--

No, no.

Go ahead and take it.

Well, once again.

Shall we?

Please.

You don't think she likes the banjo, I won't take it.

A lot of people don't love the banjo.

You know, sometimes, I just take it.

No, Herman, you can't drop over tonight.

HERMAN (ON PHONE): But why?

Because I'm busy.

Who is he?

You don't know him.

Where are you going?

Nowhere.

I've just prepared a little dinner.

For just the two of you?

Well, no.

We'll have the violinist.

Sally, I'm being serious.

SALLY (ON PHONE): Look, Herman, we're not engaged.

But I thought we had an understanding.

I know I did.

Herman, don't you raise your voice to me.

Why not?

Because I'm bigger than you are.

Bye, Herman.

Ugh. Boy.

[knocking]

OK!

Oh, hi, Stacey.

How are you?

Gee, it's nice to see you again.

It sure is.

These-- these are mine.

I mean, they're for you.

You want them?

Oh, thank you.

I let go before you-- oh, wait.

I'm sorry.

Well, they're lovely.

They're lovely.

They sure had a good smell.

Yeah.

Oh, they still do.

Well, come on in, Stace.

Stace?

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just checking.

Checking what?

The door.

Uh, to see if the door was closed.

It wasn't. Look.

It's open.

I-- oh, I'd better close it.

You'd rather have it closed, wouldn't you?

Stacey, are you just a little nervous

about the door being closed?

Yeah, a little, I guess.

Why?

Well, I was afraid someone might steal my banjo.

I-- I brought it along.

And I-- and I left it out in the hall.

Oh.

Why did you leave it in the hall?

Well, if I'd have brought it in,

you'd think I brought it to play.

Well, why did you bring it?

Well, to play if-- if--

if you like banjo, you know.

I'd better leave it out in the hall.

No, no, no. I tell you.

Why don't you give it to me, and I'll put

it in a nice, safe place, OK?

Yeah.

Right over here.

- That's a good idea. - All right?

And that way, if you want me to play it,

you can just hand it to me.

And if-- if you don't want me to play, you won't-- you

don't have to hand it--

I'll close the door.

Come on in, Stacey.

Gee, it's nice to see you again. - Thank you.

- Sit down. - Stacey!

I'm OK.

I'm all right.

I didn't see the-- - The chair.

The chair.

I guess it's army training.

Oh.

You-- you "sit" like an order.

Sit.

I got it.

I'm all right.

Why don't we just sit here on the couch and chat, OK?

Well, that's-- that's a good idea.

What would you like to chat about?

Oh, anything you'd like.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Uh, would you like to talk about your new club?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Uh, uh, when does it open?

What?

The club.

Oh, it's, uh, next week.

Oh, well, tell me about it.

Well, uh, it won't open until next week.

Uh, Rob tells me you're planning on getting married.

Yeah, I know.

You know?

I know he told you.

I told him to tell you.

He told me he told you.

Oh.

Well, would you like to talk about that?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Uh, listen, uh, uh, would you like to talk

about something else, Stace?

No, no. That's fine.

That's fine.

We can talk about the club.

Yeah.

What are you doing there?

What are you pulling there?

Oh, I-- I shouldn't have pulled that thread, I guess.

I-- I got these--

I bought these on sale in Hong Kong.

Oh.

Were you in Hong Kong?

No.

Yeah, I was-- I was--

just for a couple of nights, kind of.

It was only a lay-- a stopover.

Oh, well.

Uh, would you like to talk about that?

Yeah.

Would-- would you rather talk about Hong Kong?

Oh, anything you'd like, Stace.

I thought we were going to, uh,

talk about my marriage plans.

Oh, that's a good i--

I mean, uh-- yeah, why don't you tell me about that?

There's this girl, uh, Julie, and I've been,

uh, writing in letters to her.

And I've been-- it's been--

I've been lying a little bit.

What kind of lying?

Well, she, uh--

she-- she thinks I'm somebody else.

She doesn't know who I am.

Well, who does she think you are?

James Garner.

James Garner?

What time is it?

It's almost 11:30.

You think we're too early?

I don't think we should go up at all.

Well, honey, I don't think there's anything's

wrong with it.

If there's one thing your brother doesn't need,

it's a chaperone.

Yeah, it's kind of like checking on Bambi.

Hey, Dr. Lemler.

- Oh, hi, Rob. - Hello.

Hi, Laura.

Now there's nothing to worry about.

Everything is under control.

What's under control?

Oh, they didn't call you?

Nobody called us.

What happened, doctor?

Well, uh, quite a bit.

But I think perhaps you'd better let Sally explain it.

What's she have to explain?

Was somebody hurt?

Well, not too badly.

Uh, look.

I have to go and make another call.

Why don't you go right up?

I'm sure they'll need some help in straightening up.

What needs straightening up?

Well, uh, the room, your brother, his head.

Quite a mess up there.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

My brother, Bambi, just grew horns.

- Oh. - OK.

This, uh-- this ought to do it, Stacey.

This ought to make you feel a little better.

Here.

Put it there, all right?

Oh, gee.

I'm sorry, Sally, everything turned out like this.

Oh, that's all right.

I was going to redecorate anyway.

I'll tell you.

It's all my fault. And I'm going to pay for everything.

Oh, come on. Don't be silly.

None of this would have happened if I hadn't screamed.

Oh, if it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't have screamed.

[knocking]

Just a minute.

Oh, hi.

What happened here?

Hi, Rob. Hi, Laura.

How was the play?

How was the-- never mind.

What the devil happened in here?

- Oh, quite a lot. - A lot?

It looks like an earthquake struck.

Oh, you've noticed.

We saw Dr. Lemler downstairs.

Stacey, are you all right?

Yeah, well, I--

Well, he-- he's all right. Look.

Why don't you sit down, and Stacey

will tell you all about it?

I'd rather not, Sally.

I'm so embarrassed.

Will one of you, please, tell us?

All right.

Look.

How much about Julie and the letters do you know?

Well, we know a little about it.

You see, Stacey was telling me about his being James Garner.

Hold it.

We don't know anything about it.

James Garner?

Yeah, well, look.

Stace and I were sitting on the couch.

And he was talking about his marriage plans to Julie.

Well, he wasn't exactly talking--

he was kind of mumbling and pulling threads and--

I know it sounds ridiculous, Sally,

but the whole thing came about in such a-- such a crazy way.

Now wait a minute.

Now wait a minute.

Let me get this straight.

Now, Julie thinks that she's been corresponding with James

Garner, the movie actor?

Oh, no, James Garner.

He's a drummer friend of mine.

Oh.

You thought I meant the actor.

Well, it's a natural mistake.

Oh, no, not--

uh, this Jim Garner--

uh not-- not the actor--

- The drummer. - Yeah, he's good.

Yeah.

Anyway, he-- he met Julie when he is in the hospital,

and she was a nurse.

And, uh, he asked her if she could, uh, write-- if they

could write to each other.

And she said OK, and they did.

And she wrote him a real-- a real nice letter.

But he-- he was afraid to answer it.

Why?

Well, Jim's a real nice guy and handsome and everything,

but dumb.

Boy, he's as dumb as they come.

I think he's an elementary school dropout or something.

Anyway, he begged me-- he begged me and so--

To help him write the letter?

Well, I didn't help him.

I-- I wrote every last bit of it, from your dearest heart

to your lonesome soldier, Jim.

Boy, I really laid it on.

That letter was just chock full of poetry and sweet talk.

Oh, boy.

She-- she sent one back, and I'll tell you, that-- oh, my.

Look what I did. No, don't look.

Don't look.

Did you see?

Well, enough not to buy a suit in Hong Kong.

Oh, no.

Listen.

I did see your pants fall apart, didn't I, Stacey?

Yeah.

Doggone it.

Have-- have-- have you got a needle and thread?

I'll stitch them up.

Well, wait a minute.

Why don't you go inside and take them off?

And I'll sew them up for you, OK?

No. I can't do that.

You just give me a needle and thread.

I'll-- I'll sew them.

Oh, all right. You sure?

Because I can do it for you, you know.

No, I can do it.

I-- I can sew.

I did-- I learned how in the army.

I didn't go overseas.

Oh.

Here. How about that?

I think that'll do it. - All right.

Thank you. Now, don't look.

Oh.

Oh, all right.

OK.

Now, what happened when she sent the letter back?

Or can't you talk and sew at the same time?

Uh, she sent a letter back, and it was a real gushy one.

Uh-huh.

And then Jim talked me into writing another one, and--

and this time, I really outdid myself.

And, well-- well, she wrote-- she wrote one back.

She practically-- practically said she loved me-- uh, him.

And that scared Jim half to death.

Boy, he was so scared.

And he was all for stopping it right then and there.

But I-- I talked him out of it.

Oh, because you wanted to write the letter for hi?

Not for him.

For-- for me.

- Oh. - And I did.

Only--

Only you kept signing his name.

Yeah, well, he gave me permission to.

Then I was afraid to tell her I was me because, uh, I

was afraid she'd stop--

she'd stop writing.

Well, Stacey, you're going to have to tell her sometime.

I know. I will.

I know it. - Ow!

- I'm sorry. - Ow!

I'm sorry, Sally.

Are you OK? - Oh!

Did I hurt you?

Now just stay away from me, will you, Stacey?

Stay away.

I didn't mean--

I'll handle this, Sally.

You creep.

Herman!

[yelling]

You hurt a poor defenseless girl?

[screaming]

Wait a minute. Mister, what in the world?

Just wait.

Are you serious?

Sally, who is that?

That's Herman.

Herman, you're crazy.

Oh!

He's not right, Sally.

I'm gonna tell--

Stacey.

Oh, just let me hit him once, Sally.

Get out of the way.

Listen, mister.

You don't understand.

You're not right.

This time I'm gonna get you.

Wait a minute!

Hold it!

You just hold it right there, boy!

I-- I'm in the army.

I studied the--

Yeah, yeah, boxing, boxing.

No, no.

What do they call--

Judo, judo.

No, no.

The Japanese--

Karate.

That's it.

Herman!

[interposing voices]

All right, buddy.

I'm not gonna give you--

I'm mad.

I'm going to--

I'm riled now, boy.

Oh, Sally.

Sally!

Get out of the way, Sally.

Stacey was--

I don't get mad very--

[shouting]

I tell you.

I never saw Herman act that way.

He was like-- he was like a wild man.

Gee, I can't picture Herman Glimscher kicking and punching.

Where is he?

Well, his mother came to pick him up and drive him home.

Well, Sal, I don't know what to say.

I feel like this whole disaster was my fault.

I should never have involved you in the--

oh, Sal, I'm sorry.

I didn't--

You sure can tell you two are brothers.

Look.

I don't look at it as any kind of a disaster, Rob.

It turned out to be a good evening for all of us.

Oh, yeah, for the rug cleaners, the upholsterers--

And for Sally and Stacey.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, what are you talking about?

See how women know things men don't?

No.

Well, it was a good evening for Sally,

because she saw an attractive new facet to an old boyfriend.

Attractive new-- he acted like a mad man.

Yeah, but it's the first time he's ever

acted like any kind of a man.

Well, tell me this then.

How does my brother here with a bump on his head benefit?

Yeah, how-- how do me bump--

with a bump on the head benefit?

Well--

All you got to remember is that it all happened here.

- Right. - So?

Can you imagine what would have

happened if this had taken place at his girlfriend's apartment?

Yeah.

You see, this was like the rehearsal.

Now, when he visits Julie--

Oh, I don't know.

I don't-- I don't think I'm going to visit Julie.

Well, Stacey, if you don't go through with this,

you're no brother of mine.

Can I be your sister?

Oh, come on, Stacey.

[music playing]