04x20 - The Redcoats Are Coming

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

NARRATOR: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[crowd of girls screaming]

Are The Red Coats in here?

Are The Red Coats in here?

The Red Coats have gone back to England.

[screaming]

Oh, boy.

You still think The Red Coat craze

is just a publicity stunt?

I haven't heard screaming like this

since I told my wife my mother was coming for a visit.

Boy, it's insane, but I guess it has to be.

Every generation has one idol.

Yeah, when I was a teenager, we

went for Frank Sinatra, but not guys with hair

all over their head.

You know, when you were a teenager,

people had hair all over.

You know, with the Red Coats on the show,

we will rack up the highest rating of all time.

SALLY: Right.

Are The Red Coats in here?

No, no.

- Were they ever in here? - They were here.

They're gone. They're gone.

They were here yesterday.

I'm breathing their air.

I'm breathing their air.

They're breathing down there.

ROB: breathing down in the lobby.

Oh.

I can't understand what those girls see in the them.

The red velvet coats, and the long curly hair.

It's the craziest thing I've ever seen.

You know, I was having a discussion about it

coming in on the train this morning with Dr. Brown,

the psychiatrist. - Yeah?

What did he say?

He said it was the craziest thing he ever saw.

I'll tell you one thing about those Red Coats,

they're really nice kids, and they got

kind of a funny sense of humor.

Yeah, but they got a lousy sense of timing.

It's almost noon now.

Where are they?

BUDDY: They're probably counting their money someplace.

Boy, if I had funny hair like that, and no talent,

I could have made a million.

Yeah?

You do, you don't, and you didn't.

So shut up.

MEL: Let us in!

Let us in!

That is Mel, isn't it?

SALLY: Yeah, unless one of the girls

has a rotten set of vocal chords.

Lunacy.

Sheer lunacy.

Those little monsters are crawling all over the building.

Well it depends on your point of view really.

I mean, to someone that doesn't earn 25% of these boys,

those teenage noises are horrible.

To me, they're dollar signs.

He's our manager.

He discovered us.

He's regretted it already, haven't you?

Have we made a million dollars yet, have we mister manager?

Well, I don't know, Ernie.

I haven't opened the mail this morning.

I hope so.

I want to go home to mommy.

You've all met? SALLY: Yes.

Yeah.

You know, I never was sure which one was Ernie

and which one was Fred.

Oh, it's quite simple really.

You see, Ernie's the one with the glasses.

So if you see anyone wandering around looking at this,

you know it's Ernie.

I see, so you're Ernie, huh?

Can't tell without my glasses.

I know you kids are probably dead tired,

but if you could just show us a little bit of what you do,

we could write the introductions.

Well, they'll do a song from their new album

"The Redcoats Are Coming."

I want to do the romantic one.

ROB: Which one's that?

"I Want to Hold Your Breath."

I don't want to do a love song.

I know, I want to eat me lunch.

Is that a song?

No, I want to eat me lunch.

Come on, boys.

Do "No Other Baby."

1, 2, 3, 4.

He usually comes in about 13.

7, 8, 9, 10, 11.

Here he comes.

12, 13.

See?

[MUSIC - THE REDCOATS, "NO OTHER BABY"]

BOTH: (SINGING) I don't want no other baby but you.

Oh, yes, I do.

BOTH: I don't want no other baby but you.

Hear me crying.

BOTH: Because no other baby thrills me like you do.

There's more, but we're saving our strength.

I know.

You see, you see we promised not to get any sleep

till we became rich and famous.

Why, you are rich and famous.

BOTH: Oh?

Good night.

That give us something to work on.

Thank you very much. - All right.

Thank you very much.

Is the coast clear?

All right, boys, the security officer

will show to your dressing rooms.

Oh, wonderful.

They need all the rest they can get.

Come on, mate.

Thank you.

Oh, you'll talk to Rob?

Yes.

Thank you.

What are you supposed to talk to me about?

Oh, well, it's private, Rob.

Private? I know.

He wants to steal their hair, and he wants

you to drive the getaway car.

Hey, Rob, we'll go up to the office,

and we'll start to work. OK?

- OK, good. - Yeah, see you later.

Boy, I hope they don't mistake me for one of the Red Coats.

They might start tearing my clothes off.

Good.

You could use a new suit.

OK, what's the trouble, Mel?

Well, it's not exactly trouble, Rob.

But our guest stars are about to collapse from exhaustion.

Oh, I know.

That those kids look dead b*at.

Do you know that in the week they've been here,

they've slept or tried to sleep in a different hotel

every night.

It's uncanny how those kids find

out where they are every time.

MEL: Yeah, it's supposed to be top secret,

but somehow it always leaks out.

Maybe you could help us, Rob.

Well, gee, I'm sorry, Mel, but I don't have any idea

off-hand where they could hide.

Well, we have sort of a plan.

Now see if you agree.

OK, let's hear it.

Well, just for the moment pretend you're a teenage girl.

OK, it's a little tough for me, but all right,

I'm a teen-aged girl.

MEL: All right, now where would you

expect The Red Coats to stay?

Well, where they do stay, at all the best hotels.

Mhm.

Now where would you least expect them to stay?

Well, I suppose as a teenage girl, the last thing I'd expect

would have them at my house.

Mel, game's over.

I'm Rob Petrie.

Good old Rob Petrie, and they're not staying at my house.

No, they're not saying at my house.

Rob. Rob!

- No. - Rob.

Rob! - Sorry.

No, you mean you want them to come to my house?

Just for one night.

Yeah, but why me?

Because you live in the suburbs

where it's nice and quiet.

That's right.

In a house with a 20-year mortgage, and new upholstery.

"The Alan Brady Show" will cover any damages.

That's just fine, and let Alan take them.

No, we can't.

Those kids have got sentries at every entrance.

Well, how about you?

My house too.

Buddy, Sally.

Sally has a small apartment.

Buddy has a big mouth.

Believe me, Rob, we've taken care of every detail.

Well, yeah, except just one little detail.

I haven't said yes.

Did you see the papers today?

They ruined the lobby of the Bryant hotel.

We have taken every precaution.

Besides only Alan, you, me, their manager,

an the police department know about it.

Well, that's a cozy little group.

GIRL 1: I think they're in there.

GIRL 2: No, I looked through the hole.

[girls screaming]

The Red Coats in my house with every teenager in America

looking for them, and they're under my roof.

Exciting, isn't it?

Yeah, especially when those girls find out where they are.

Rob, I told you--

I know.

Everything top secret.

Well, I don't know how you plan to get them to New

Rochelle in the first place.

Starting at exactly 6 o'clock and at 5 minute intervals,

four limousines with drawn curtains will leave

the basement garage and proceed with a police escort

to four well-known hotels.

- And we'll be in one of them? - No.

But we'll be in one of them, they'll be in the other.

No, none of you will be in any of them.

Mel.

The four limousines will draw most or all the girls

away from this building so that when you drive away at 6:35--

With The Red Coats in the trunk of my car?

MEL: Rob, give me a chance.

I'm sorry.

Red Coats will be in the back of a laundry truck.

I have to drive them up there in a laundry truck?

I will drive the laundry truck.

You?

Well, what's the password, Mel?

Paul Revere.

You're kidding.

Mel, who wrote all this out?

Well, the police department.

The code thing was mine.

ROB: So you're going to drive them

up there in a laundry truck?

No, you leave the garage in your own car at 7:00 PM,

and we'll rendezvous.

Oh, rendezvous.

I always wanted to rendezvous.

Hey, do I get to synchronize my watch?

You're being unnecessarily cruel.

This is for your own good, you know?

For my own--

(GERMAN ACCENT) very good, commander.

We'll have to have cyanide capsules in case

they catch us though.

Rob, Rob, Rob, this is nothing to joke about.

Well, Mel, if we can't joke about this,

we're in terrible trouble.

Well, are you going to do it or aren't you?

Well, you know, to tell you the truth,

despite all the potential danger there is, I couldn't miss

this for anything in the world.

Oh, good, good.

And I have to tell my grandchildren.

No, don't tell anybody.

I mean, if you--

you have any grandchildren.

Will-- will you do it?

Well, conditionally, yeah.

Oh, what-- what is it? What are the conditions?

Well, the one that I get to call her and tell her.

It's her house too, you know?

Oh, no, you can't tell Laura that they're coming.

Don't you think her curiosity will be aroused when they

sit down to dinner with us?

Carol, Rob's only getting eight tickets, see?

And I've had two dozen calls today alone.

Some people.

Yeah, but Carol see, it isn't my fault

that you have three children.

Carol?

Carol?

Oh, boy.

The Red Coats are coming, and my friends are all leaving.

Oh, aren't people terrible?

Instead of being grateful for one ticket,

she's mad at because she can't have three.

Well, frankly, I'm a little surprised

you offered her any at all.

Well, she's a friend.

Yeah, I know.

But you offered her one ticket, and you offered me one ticket,

and I'm certainly more than a one ticket friend.

Millie.

Well, am I or am I not?

Oh, Millie, of course you are, but it isn't a matter of who--

JANIE: Mrs. Petrie?

Mrs. Petrie.

Oh, boy.

Hi, Mrs. Petrie.

Hi, Janie, dear.

I just finished talking to your mother.

I know.

Can we get an extra ticket?

No, Janie.

I'm afraid not.

Oh, Mrs. Petrie, please. I love them.

I have every one of the record albums.

I know, you--

It's not my fault my mom has three kids.

Oh, OK, Janie, I'll try.

I'll try.

Thank you, Mrs. Petrie.

And bless you.

Bless you.

Bless you.

What do you mean you're going to try?

Millie, no, I didn't mean that I was going to--

Oh, Millie, I wish this week were over.

[phone rings]

I think I'm about to lose another friend.

Hello? ROB (ON PHONE): Hi, honey.

How's it going there?

Why didn't they stay in England?

Honey, I've got something to ask you.

Are you alone? - No, Millie's here.

Can you get rid of her?

Well, I don't think so.

Call me back extension 194 as soon as she leaves.

Well, that could be quite a while, dear.

We're baking strudel.

Oh.

Well, honey, I want to tell you something now

that's going to knock your head off,

but you've got to make believe I haven't said anything.

Oh, my gosh, Rob.

What is it? - What?

What?

Rob got a flat tire.

Very good.

Just calm and passive now.

No more oh, my goshes, OK?

OK, dear.

It's apple strudel.

OK, here it is.

Do you mind if The Red Coats sleep at our house tonight?

Ha!

That's a funny story, darling.

I'm not kidding honey.

We've got to know right away.

Well, I certainly would like to hear a few of the details.

Later.

Honey, yes or no.

Well, whatever you think is best.

OK, we'll be there at 7:30, and snap it

up with the strudel.

Millie can't be there when I get home.

Don't worry, dear.

It won't be. - OK.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

What did Rob say?

Go home, Millie.

Rob said that?

No, no, no, no.

We need some powdered sugar for the strudel.

That's what Rob said?

Well, you know what a nut he is on his powdered sugar balls.

The strudel. - Yeah, OK.

I'll hurry.

No, take your time.

Take your time.

MILLIE: The Red Coats are making you crazy.

Oh, no I know how Bunker Hill felt.

[music playing]

Rob, you're not bringing them in the front door.

No, I'm not.

Well, where are they?

I don't know.

Oh, Rob, that's just awful.

You turned me into a nervous wreck,

and then changed the plans without telling me.

The plans have not been changed.

Either Mel or I made a mistake.

I waited at the rendezvous.

He never rendezvous-ed.

Mrs. Cooley?

This is Rob Petrie.

Is Mel there?

Has he called?

Well, when he does call, will you tell him that I'm home?

Thank you.

Well, are you sure you went to the right place?

Yeah, with a synchronized watch.

Everything.

Rob, do you suppose they used you as a decoy?

That's possible.

I'll k*ll them, but that's possible.

How do you like that?

ROB: You sound disappointed I didn't bring them with me.

Yeah, well, in a way I am.

Well, when I told you about on the phone

you didn't sound too thrilled.

No, I wasn't, but then the more

I got to thinking about it, the more thrilled I became.

I mean, you know, they haven't even been to the White House.

ROB: Yeah.

I followed those plans right to the letter.

I can't understand it.

Mel was behind me all the way, and all of a sudden

he just disappeared.

[knocking at back door]

Do you hear something?

Yeah, it's coming from the kitchen.

Who is it?

MEL: Paul Revere.

Who?

It's Mel.

MEL: Hello, Rob.

Hello, Laura.

Hi.

Mel, what happened?

Where were you?

Well--

Mel, what are you wearing?

Well, if you're supposed to be a laundryman,

you dress like one.

Mel, where are the boys?

In the garage.

Well, what happened?

Why didn't you meet me?

- You were being followed. - Followed?

Who was following me?

A gray sedan with four teenagers.

Are you sure?

Yes.

We left them at the Pelham Parkway,

and I came directly here on schedule.

What time is it?

8:30.

Roger Wilco.

All right, boys come in.

Hi, fellows.

Honey, this is Fred and Ernie.

LAURA: Hi.

Which one is Fred and who's Ernie?

Have a guess.

Let's see, you're Fred, and you're Ernie.

Try again.

Oh, you're Ernie and you're Fred.

No.

Oh, don't listen to him.

You right the first time.

Oh, I'm sorry, love.

I'm just having a bit of a giggle.

Well, I'm going to move out now.

They're yours.

Remember, not a word.

OK, Mel.

I'll call you if I need you.

Remember, Mr. Cooley.

Remember what?

No starch in the shirts.

Huh?

Was he bald before we got here?

Yes, that's not your fault.

Well, come on into the living room.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Oh, isn't this lovely?

Hey.

Thank you.

That's nice.

Do you know what we call one of these in England?

- No, what? - A chair.

It's a smashing house you've got.

Please, don't say "smashing."

It's very nice of you to have us.

Honey, why don't you get the boys something to eat.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Would you like something?

Well, what we'd really rather do

is get to bed, if you don't mind.

Speak for yourself.

I'd like something to eat.

Can we have it in bed?

Oh, sure.

I'll bring a tray.

I hope assuming to eat on it.

There will be.

Come on, you room is right up here.

I hope you'll be comfortable.

Anything you boys want, just ask for it.

Oh, thank you.

And I just hope for our sake and yours,

no one finds out we're here.

Oh, don't worry about it.

You're safe here is on the rock of Gibraltar.

Really?

Should we tell him what happened when we played Gibraltar?

Oh, no. Don't tell him.

You might worry him.

Don't tell me.

You worried?

I'm worried.

Me too.

Jerry, look, you're a dentist.

You know that there are only so many teeth you can

take out of any given mouth.

Well, that's the same with these tickets.

[doorbell rings]

Jerry, I got to go.

Somebody's at the door.

LAURA: I'll get it, darling.

Jerry, I don't want your blue alpaca sweater,

and I'm insulted you offered it to me.

All right, you're forgiven.

Yeah, goodbye.

Hello, Mrs. Petrie.

Hello, Estelle.

Hi, Mr. Petrie.

We want you to know this is the biggest

moment of our lives.

Yeah, this is the closest we've ever been to them.

What do you mean?

Well, The Red Coats.

You worked with them.

You were close to them, and now we're close to you.

Oh, yeah.

Well, listen, when tomorrow I'm close to them,

I'll tell them that I was close to you.

We're officially begging.

Yeah, we'll babysit for you for free till we get married

or die.

You don't understand.

Goodnight, girls.

You just don't understand.

You too, Phoebe.

[sighs]

[whistles]

What a night.

And that's been going on all week long.

You realize what would have happened

if they knew those boys were in that bedroom.

Oh, that's too frightening to think about.

And you can't blame them.

They're just kids.

Yeah.

I remember when I was a kid, I stepped on my cousin to get

a better look at Marlon Brando.

Turned out to be Paul Newman.

Well, by gosh it's 11 o'clock, and all is well.

I think we made it, honey.

Congratulations.

[phone rings]

Hold that pucker.

I'll be right back.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mel.

No, everything is fine.

Sleeping.

That's right, I'll meet you right here at 8 o'clock

in the morning.

Roger.

Well, honey, the chief called to thank you again.

Honey?

Rob, I want to tell you something,

and you're probably going to say it's

childish and immature and female, but Rob,

I'm just dying to tell somebody they're here.

Uh-huh.

That's childish and immature.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's not female.

I feel exactly the same way.

If I could just tell Jerry.

Anybody.

Oh, Rob, I'd just like to tell everybody.

That's female.

Well, it's like having a--

like having a Dior original and then not being able to wear it.

No, it isn't.

It's like being Clark Kent.

Huh?

You know you're Superman, and you can't tell anybody.

Oh, yeah, it's so frustrating.

I never realized how he must have felt.

Can you imagine how many times in that phone booth

he wanted to grab the phone and say, hi, I'm Superman?

Well, of course we'll be able to tell

people after they leave.

Yeah, but that's not half as good as doing it now.

Oh, you know, we ought to get some snapshots.

No. LAURA: Why.

Movies.

Movies are better.

We'll take movies in the morning.

Gee, I don't know how I'm going to handle Millie though.

She's just going to hate me for not telling her.

Well, you can blame me, honey.

Tell her I threatened you or something.

No, she knows that doesn't stop me.

Now, Rob, on important matters it doesn't.

Look, darling, what's wrong with my calling

Millie tomorrow morning and telling her to come over here?

I wouldn't tell her why.

Honey, our house. Our lives.

I'll just have her-- she could come,

and then we'd hold her here until after they left, see?

Now wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

It's 1 o'clock. - No, it isn't.

It's 11:00.

I know.

But just say it's 1 o'clock.

We've been standing here arguing for two solid hours now,

and I say--

I've finally given in.

Oh, good, darling.

That's the kind of argument I like.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to call Millie and tell her

to hold tomorrow morning open. - Hold on.

Why?

You can't call her now.

It's 1 o'clock in the morning.

All right, fellas.

Action.

That's it.

Smile, smile.

Good, OK.

Come along now.

Just a wave.

OK, now walk up towards your room.

Face the camera.

Face the camera.

OK.

We need to get them around something

identifiable in the room.

Honey, you're identifiable.

Get up there with them.

OK, that's it.

Good and close.

That's the way.

Hi, honey.

Great.

Darling, I'll take one of you with the boys now.

OK.

Mel will be here about 10 minutes.

Just push a little trigger there, honey.

OK.

All right, go.

Get this.

I'm going to give them some advice now.

Oh, that's good.

That's good, darling.

Come on, Ernie.

I'll take the sh*ts now.

Come on.

I'll direct.

Mrs. Petrie, you go stand up there with Mr. Petrie.

Oh, all right.

Action.

Come on, wave a bit.

That's it.

OK, now this way.

That's it.

Hey, honey?

Yeah.

I just thought of something.

Why are they taking pictures of us?

The pressure gets to me sometimes.

Oh, cut.

Cut.

That's OK.

Darling, can I call Millie now?

Yeah, go ahead, honey.

You guys better get up and get your things together.

Now honey remember, tell her to come over,

but don't tell her why.

Stop worrying.

Millie, what are you doing?

Well, dry yourself off, and get over here right away.

No, no, nothing's wrong.

I can't tell you what it is, Millie,

but I'm calling you because you're my best friend.

And if you don't get over here right now,

I can't be responsible.

Goodbye.

- She coming? - I think so.

[knock at door]

Boy, she's fast.

Who is it?

MEL: Paul Revere.

Rob, Mel's here.

Oh, then that must be Millie.

I'm--

We came to make a final appeal.

I'm sorry, girls, there are no more tickets.

We just gotta see them or we'll die.

[girls screaming]

What's going on?

[girls continue to scream]

Lock the door, Millie.

Rob, what did Laura want?

It's all right, darling.

They're gone.

Would somebody please tell me what's going on here?

The Red Coats slept here.

And you didn't tell me?

I did, Millie, but you were too late.

What late?

I'm not even dry yet.

Oh, here they come.

Rob, what'll we do?

We'll be trampled.

I'll tell them that they were here, but they're gone.

It is rather dangerous.

Now you listen.

They were here, but they're gone.

They just slept here last night.

[girls scream excitedly]

Hey, cut that out.

Hey, cut that out.

Put that down!

Put that down!

[girls scream excitedly]

[phoebe sobs]

[phoebe rejoices]

[MUSIC - THE RED COATS, "MY HOW THE TIME GOES BY"]

(SINGING) Each time I leave you, it's like a lifetime,

but there's no reason why.

But when I'm here to hold you, my how the time goes by.

I don't remember what time the clock said.

Don't even bother trying.

You say it's past your bedtime.

My how the time goes by.

I know I'm gonna hate it leaving you.

My how the hours fly.

I really don't know what I'm going to do.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Kiss me again, girl.

Kiss me and then girl, kiss me a last goodbye.

Wish I could stay forever.

My how the time goes, my how the time goes,

my how the time goes by.

[girls in audience scream]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

You're a lovely audience. Thank you.

Thank you.

We'd like to do a song now for two very good friends of ours

who risked life and limb by letting

us stay in their lovely home.

This song is one that was recorded by Chad and Jeremy,

friend of ours back in England.

They're very close to us you might say.

So for Rob and Laura Petrie of New Rochelle, New York,

here is "No Other Baby But You."

Rob, they shouldn't have said where we live.

And we just got our furniture back.

Now they'll be coming from all 50 states.

Rob, what'll we do?

Well, don't panic.

Maybe the first thing to do is just

put the furniture on the lawn, and have an auction.

[applause]

[theme song]